Friday, January 18, 2013

Day 246: Why don't YOU Change? - Character

World as a Mirror..

A lady in her seventies is coming to me for corrective massage, I have learned massage in Asia and I know how to fix most postural problems, not for good of course, as that can only be fixed by the one who created it in the first place, but as a bridge, as a relief to pain and as support to the body. 
The first time she took off her corset and I saw her back my first thought was 'you must be joking', she had an extremely pronounced chronic hunchback and as I discovered as days went by, matched by an unparalleled irritating departure from reality.

She asked me, at 70, if I can make her attractive again, enough to find a man when her husband shall day, in possibly 10 years time. Yeap sure, let me take out my magic wand, the hat and the fairy dust.

The desire to be attractive having defined Beauty as being "alive" I can relate to as it is very culturally drilled into our minds as children, to 'live' for beauty in Italy, and for this not having it, losing it, is for sure a huge sense of loss, of diminishment, something I have been clear about not being able to 'give back to her' in any possible way.

The one point though that is driven home now everyday for more than a week, is the danger of embodying Personalities and how, when we forget they are just Characters we have ourselves created, the danger of remaining trapped at the price of giving up one's health, one's physical integrity as the body de-forms under the weight of the structural changes demanded by our participation in and as the Mind. She played the 'sick woman' for so long that now that she would like to Stop, as she has self honestly admitted she is aware of doing that', she doesn't know how to.

I have my own experience of a Jekyll and Hide Life, of em-body-ing Characters and I am still walking some of the consequences, in fact part of the irritation I allowed myself to feel yesterday was due to this, as I projected on her the irritation I have for myself as I keep playing one specific self harming character I will write about in my next posts, the Binge Eater, and it manifested in a backchat on the lines of 'Why don't YOU change, why do you walk away from my home everyday feeling OK and then walk back into your toxic Life sucking Character, why don't YOU at 70 show Me how it's done, stop your Hide Character, I expect you can do so, I spend my mornings re-programming your Mind, what else do you need to change, didn't you have enough pain, discomfort, haven't you made your body suffer enough, come on Lady!', which is just like the suppressed Self Talk I have with myself in the 'apparent' silence of my Mind.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with this lady and her self destructive Life, to not want to see the mirror experience she was offering as to where would some of my self destructive personalities lead me 20 years down the line, unless I change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to expect change from her because of what I believed I was investing in her as Change Tools and Support and for allowing myself yesterday to feel irritation because she has not Changed Yet as I expected, instead of seeing and realizing I was projecting on her the irritation I feel for myself and then suppress regarding why I have not changed some point where I see I still move into self destruction, just because I can Hide them and pretend they are not there and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be irritated and impatient with myself as I see realize and understand that when I experience irritation I then move my self destruction into Hiding, pretending it's not there, coming up with ever creative excuses about why my Change will start tomorrow, or Monday or on a specific date and within this accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my Change to my Mind to make sure I don't change because as the Mind I have no interest in Change and I am quite comfortable in running the same old same old programs no matter where they lead

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire other people to change to prove that I am good and that what I do is valuable and Life Changing, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I am wanting my own Change that I then project as a desire to see Change in others instead of standing for my own self change as an example that it is possible vs attempting changing others through coercion to show myself that They can change and so can I

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I have had disagreements with others based on the point that 'things should change between us' to expect and demand that They should Change first and not me and for finding excuses and reasons why the change of others should come before mine, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dread the mornings when this lady rings my bell in fear that I will have to face another day of No Change, where all the steps we took together the day before just reverted back to her old suffering self, and for not seeing realizing and understanding that I fear facing the point that everything can only change through a process of consistency and not the magical wand I secretly hoped I could use, if not on myself on others and for fearing having to walk consistently to accumulate change as a point that becomes Me as Change, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek value and purpose through imagining that I can change others, that I am so powerful that I can say the right things and for feeling disappointed because the expectations I had created inside of myself were dis-attended and I felt diminished by facing the point that I have no power to change others, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for the change in this lady just because she lives and thrives on shifting her responsibility for her life on others and even though I have tried to dodge this responsibility and give it back to her, there is an allure about it that I allowed myself to play with, which is the allure of power and for not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I want power over another I will have to take on the responsibility in their place which is impossible and not what is best for me or them either, and for toying with power vs self responsibility, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make other people responsible for my life, my well being and my health, just so I would not have to change myself and so I could blame others for me not changing, just like this lady is showing me, and for having blamed others for me not changing myself to realign to oneness and equality and what is best for all, no matter what, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the life in Hide-ing I have lived and for justifying myself because 'I hurt nobody' and for within this considering myself equal to 'no-body' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with points in which I see myself, look for reasons why the Mirror is in fact Worse than me and in the specific for judging this lady as worse than me because I used to only harm myself while she takes prisoners on her journey, without considering that her prisoners are just as equal participants in the toxic games we play and that what I am doing is not looking to stand for the rights of the abused but for my right to feel superior as a 'lesser abusive person' and for judging others as a way to feel better about myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked 'promise you won't go away from Milan, if you promise to stay I can put more effort in healing' to feel burdened and resentful that someone is making their healing conditional on what I do and for making my healing conditional to what others do, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when interacting with a person I have judged as 'unsave-able' to use them as my excuse to lose interest in being Here, making them the reason why I am authorized to fly off in my mind, a far more interesting place than staying present in the moment as support to another as myself through our process of change while standing my ground in the Here-ness of Breath about their change being their responsibility and no one else's, such as My Own Change is My responsibility and No One Else's

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear this relationship as a tie that ties me down into something I am not yet able to see where it will lead and for fearing I took on more than I can handle given the physical condition of this lady which I have no clue if can be restored to health or not, I forgive myself

I commit myself to, Breathe through this interaction, do not accept and allow myself to participate in backchats however I see myself justifying my own departure from reality and to support this being as an equal and not as someone who has solutions for her that she cannot give to herself

I commit myself to, when I am done with her treatment, to stop thinking about it seeking for solutions, because I see realize and understand that this experience I am having is unprecedented like every moment in life unless I defined as 'something I have already lived' and as such there are no solutions my mind can offer however I may be tempted to seek there sifting through my past experiences, instead I commit myself to stay Here in and as Breathe and to address each point as it comes up in the moment

I commit myself to own up to what goes on inside of me regarding this relationship, as I see realize and understand that nothing that happens while I interact with this lady is 'her fault' but my own creation and I commit to correct myself until nothing moves inside of me as we interact so she can see what the stability that has eluded her all her life would be like and she too may consider not engaging in her Mind, which is the primary reason for her sickness and the massive antidepressant therapy she is on

I commit myself to stop expecting that she may recover, feel better, have a lasting change, have increasingly consistent less pain than when she started as I see realize and understand we are all walking in reverse through the pain of our lives and we can't walk out of pains that have become physical and chronic in a painless way, not because we are punishing ourselves or must suffer, but because chronic painful states walked out of in painless magic ways are just another figment of our 'wand-rous' imagination and have no relation to reality and what needs to be done to correct a physical problem in the physical and furthermore as I see realize and understand that some problems are determined by patterns and constructs we walk I commit myself to not take responsibility for her sliding in and out of her pattern but only to stop my own sliding in and out of my own patterns as I see realize and understand I am the only one I can change for real and no one else.

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