Friday, January 11, 2013

Day 241: Looking for Purpose - Equine Nutrition anyone?

A commercially prepared grain mix for horses, ...
A commercially prepared grain mix for horses, includes crimped corn, oats, and barley mixed with molasses and pelleted supplement (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of months ago I went through a period of 'looking for purpose, looking for a meaning' to Life.

I did not see it this way at the time, I saw myself instead broadening my horizons by subscribing to the New Free Open University Classes, I chose 5 subjects, Drugs and the Brain, 3 classes on Nutrition and Health and 1 class of Equine Nutrition.

The first class was quite a pain, Drugs and the Brain, it was very focused on biochemistry but I can't remember the little chemistry I did at school and so watching all the 3D molecule composition and learning all the medical terms for the brain parts was a bore, I stopped at the first class, went through a little guilt as I played out all the things I left mid way in my life and then moved on. Two days ago I received the notice that the Equine Nutrition course was about to start. WOW.

Since 2 months ago my life has filled up with commitments, I started teaching Italian to foreigners 2 to 3 evenings a week, I have 2 regular students for English classes and now, since yesterday, I found a lady that needs to come for massages, a lot of them, because she wore a corrective corset for 20 years and she has a host of problems and she is happy with my massage, which means she will recommend me to someone else, hence I seem to have finally broken through into the system and to have found my own place so to speak.

So when the notice came about the Equine Nutrition course it stood out like something pretty absurd, I live in a city, I have seen horses close by probably 4 times in my life, I live on the 5th floor with a terrace, certainly not a place for a horse, so there can be only 2 points that have attracted me to this course, one that it was Free and as a good system slave I have to load up on Free stuff, the other that I was projected in a potential hypothetical future, such as 'if I sell this house and I move to Bulgaria and I ever get to see a horse -cos owning one would be too much anxiety since I know nothing about horses-, or if I visit the farm one day, I can make myself useful because I have this Equine Nutrition knowledge. (??)

The point that I was looking for purpose, because my Life is still defined by what I do, I can see it now because as I found 'a purpose/ a meaning' I am less jittery, I finally exist in some place within the system, a system I doubted I could ever re-enter, hence at the time the idea to get some more -albeit useless- knowledge in fear of not existing as I feared I had no purpose and as such no meaning and my existence as a whole to be an utterly useless disgrace, seemed more than appealing, it seemed 'the right thing to do.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for purpose/meaning because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life Here in and as Breath is not enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define value and worth according to 'what I do' and not to 'who I am' in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Knowledge is a source of meaning/purpose and that through knowledge I can pile up value/worth for myself no matter how useless is the knowledge I subscribe to, in my search for meaning and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in Free Stuff, because I accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the Consumerism point that when something comes for free in a world where I have accepted and allowed for Life to go on sale and where I have to buy my right to live, it's a bargain that can't be passed on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world where we have to buy our right to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put value in Free stuff for me vs a Free Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when looking for classes that I could benefit from and learn something that could have a practical physical application for me as what is best for all, to not consider what are my real skills and how can I best put them at the service of Life but to rely on stories I made up in my mind that were not real because they are not Here, such as a horse to feed or heal, and for losing myself in my mind in fear of walking breath by breath to build a reality I could live with, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't have the patience to walk breath by breath a solution for myself and my life because I have accepted and allowed myself to lose trust in myself as I walked back to Italy exactly to who I was before I left, leaving behind 17 years of life and life skills just because I lived as a personality both here and abroad and now I have not yet learned how to make those skills one and equal to me and not personality based, and for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into personality plays in an attempt to never face the truth of how I experienced myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the notice of the Equine Nutrition course came through, to feel dumb as the reality of not having a horse or being close to having a horse or having plans to own a horse dawned on me and I felt I was not in touch with reality and then I proceeded to feel guilty and ashamed for being so disconnected as to not be able to assess what is the best course of action to take in any given moment, and for giving in to the experience that I am hopeless if I could not see the point that I don't need an Equine Nutrition class, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement when I realized why I subscribed to these classes as a point of seeking for value/worth, meaning and purpose in separation from myself as value and worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I gave up the 'Drugs and Brain' course because I realized I didn't have the background to follow without piling up tons of additional chemistry knowledge for which I did not have any practical useful application, to feel guilty and run a commentary of all the other times in which I have not taken something to completion instead of just assessing how supportive this choice I made was and if not supportive, moving on

When and as I see myself about to make a decision, I stop, Breathe, if I see that I am fuzzy about the Whys of my movements, I write down what I see as supportive and as non supportive about my decision to clear the fog, see if there is any energetic movement in what I have written down and if there is, correct myself through Self forgiveness so that I won't be making decisions motivated by fear or in search of some imaginary goals but decisions I can live with and walk for myself and what is best for all

I commit myself to stop making decisions in haste, or while seeking for value and meaning as I see realize and understand that there is no other purpose to be here but to correct the consequences we created by living in haste never considering all points of the equations we walk, and I commit myself to make sure I make sound decisions for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System which will assist in forever removing the illusion of external Worth and Value to allow each Human being to become an expression of Life and no longer live as an expression of Fear

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