Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day 201: When I feel Stupid is Your Fault

Today first day back at the GYM. The gym consultant gave me a possible schedule of classes I could join and told me that today I could start with the 'Dance Fit' Class, she said it was easy enough to restart a fitness program. Reluctantly I went it.

The teacher started by saying that the choreography of the day was difficult, at which I approached her to tell her 'it's my first time should I give up? Is it going to be too difficult?' and she said 'I don't know, TRY!'.

This comment already moved some backchat, what do you mean you don't know, why don't you check in your head if the choreography you set up is for the Bolshoi Ballet or for American Idol and then come back to me with a specific answer?

The truth is I wanted out and she did not give me a reason to walk out, to quit, her fault.

So here starts the dance routine, she said 'we'll do Jennifer Lopez today'. Panic.


The room was full of mirrors like Versailles, amazingly it didn't reflect to me the Hippo in Tutu from Fantasia that my mind makes me out to be since I am out of shape, many women were not looking like Jennifer Lopez either, so my comparison with venom did not kick in in full power, yet as I stepped on like a retard with the on time crowd during the 45 minutes routine, I could only clumsily follow, I felt Stoopid, And stoopid multiplied to infinity in the endless play of the mirrors. 45 minutes of agony reflected back one million times.

While I was at it, I watched the backchat starting, I wanted to blame the teacher, silly fool, for not telling me HOW complicated it was, for not sparing me from feelingl stoopid, not wanting to take responsibility about the fact that it is my own doing, that I am the one that defined what looks fine and what doesn't and now I am just walking into the scenery i designed for myself.

Of course A conversation was going on in my mind as I became aware of my desire to blame the teacher, 'I'm not going to do that' I said to myself firmly playing out the feedback I was supposed to give to the consultant and yet, at the end of the lesson when I met the consultant I had to say that I didn't like the class, that the choreography was too difficult and the teacher 'not so nice' and I hoped she had not highlighted for me other classes with this teacher, instead of just saying I was too out of shape to follow the steps, there was nothing wrong with the class.

So defeated on so many levels, including my commitment to NOT do that thing I do of blaming others, I left the gym, only to stop at the bakery where I met my student, the one that just tries to survive and get the grade that will allow her to pass the year, had a 20 minutes conversation during which she found a million ways to expose why the teachers are stupid and unreasonable and why since she is specifically asked to do more than the meagre exercises she is supposed to do for homework, she can't be blamed for her failures. Heat went up to my ears. I concluded by saying 'come back to me when you want to learn, I can't FORCE this language on you and just so you know, you are fighting for your own limitations'

I huffed and puffed my way back home, of course wanting to blame her now for how far I am into irritation mode. When I got home I asked myself what was so irritating about this little girl trying to survive the system and voila', my own play in front of my eyes, she is trying to blame her teachers for how she feels about herself, stoopid and with no chance at ever grasping what the hell school is all about.

Welcome to the land of Blame, we "the Adults" are holding that candle up for you.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to keep up with the rest of the class at the GYM, because I was new there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fel uncomfortable whenever there is something new to do, in case I don't look my best

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a best and a worse to me, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am those characters that I have created and that I now play out and I judge myself for my performances within my role playing, instead of stopping the role playing so there is just 1 of me to deal with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike looking at myself in the mirrors in case they reflect back my own judgement of myself and when they didn't for wondering why I spend so much time in my mind when the reality I push myself to face never seems as bad as what goes on in the secrecy of my trials in my Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to the fact that I felt stoopid for moving out of time, look for faults in the teacher and in the class so I could feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the patience to learn something new because I have developed the habit to judge myself before I even try, instead of suspending all judgements and just do whatever it is I set myself out to do and correct myself along the way as I learn a new skill

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to find solace in the fact that many women were out of shape because I did compare myself to them as a habit and then decided 'I was not so bad after all', instead of stopping comparison altogether and not using comparison as a way to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I stopped and had a chat with S., to allow irritation to mount as she looked for endless justifications of why she had a reason to flunk her tests because the teacher used vocabulary 'she is not expected to know' when in my mind I was telling myself that after 13 years of English we should have a fairly extensive vocabulary, so within both the irritation at the system and at the product of the system as S., I wanted to blame her for blaming her teacher in this endless blame game, instead of being me starting to take responsibility for how I feel so others can see the example of what becoming self responsible is all about

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, since I gave in to the irritation that arose from the point of seeing someone else do what I had just done, as in blaming another for the way I felt, lose touch with reality and make myself useless as I was no longer Here and so I missed out on an opportunity to stand as a direction for this kid because I was too engulfed in an energy surge and I had to leave and for giving in to an energetic possession I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think 'I hope they fail her' which would make me right about the point that she has not been applying herself as she should have done, instead of seeing and realizing we have collectively already failed her, as we taught the children that they have to compete for best marks/grades and not that they are at school to learn something and in so doing we created these little monsters as mini me/us that now play out the Blame game and the It's not my responsibility game to remind us that this is what we are still doing all the time and that we have nothing of value to say until what we say is lived and then shared as the living word and not another dead advise from the deadbeats we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become

When and as I see myself moving into a negative emotion/experience of myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that if I give in then I will seek some ways to swing back into the positive feeling/experience of myself instead of standing stable in and as breath without giving in to myself as The Mind

When and as I see myself moving to blame/attempting to blame or already blaming something/somebody outside of myself for the way I have been experiencing myself, I stop, breathe, tell myself that this is not what I want to live and be one and equal to, instead I take responsibility for how I feel at any moment so I can see where my experiences originated from and release myself from them

I commit myself to stop this blaming game, to stop existing as blame and self judgement that then turns into blame and to find out consistently in self honesty where and how I am still participating in this movement, so I can stop myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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