Last night I had an 'idea' about my future and what I could do.
Having 'ideas' it's another point in itself, they come up at the end of the dull roads of existence I travel and can only take for so long, when dullness seems to 'kill me' here pops an idea, something to keep me going, to give me a sliver of 'hope' for my future, a place I dread because I see this dullness of existence multiplied in years to come and how won't be able to take it.
When those 'Ideas' strike like lightening I then go on an information rampage to gather as many 'valuable' news as possible about whatever I set my mind to. "I" set my mind to..interesting expression...
I am able to read for 24/48 hours, until my body aches and jump from one website to another as I see connections of things I apparently need to know.
This 'I need to know it's of course manufactured by My Mind, it's to cover all my bases so to speak and never clearer than today, it's just FEAR.
It is the FEAR that if I don't know enough when I move into a new venture I will be taken advantage of, it's the 'Intelligence' side of the fear of looking stupid, yesterday I experienced the physical side of 'looking stupid' and today the mental, which is in fact just 'mental' as in mental case, the case in which I trap myself in fear of abuse.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define existence as dull because I am lacking the frenzy of energetic movements, of excitement and depression, instead of seeing realizing and understanding, it's a process and as it took me some time to get use to my existence as an energy drug addict, it will take some time to get off the energy wheel and see that 'not feeling' doesn't define my successful engagement with existence as Life, I am the ones that defined not feeling ad dull and for this I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I evaluate a new possibility, to move into a mental frenzy through which I then believe that I NEED to gather information/intelligence because every new things I evaluate gives rise to both excitement and fear or better stated, excitement AS Fear and I have taught myself that the fear can subside if I gather enough knowledge and information as my counter-intelligence
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need counter-intelligence against myself because I have always only feared myself and my own self judgement and I believed I needed to become 'intelligent' so I would not have to endure myself judgement of myself as stupid, instead of just stopping all and any self judgement
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must load myself with knowledge and information to be prepared for potential abuses, when in fact the piling up of useless knowledge and information that I don't need at the moment and therefore I cannot live, is a form of self abuse
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trust myself so little that I have come to the con-clusion that I 'better be prepared' when in fact on my way to getting myself prepared I abuse myself as my mind with useless piling up of knowledge and information that creates friction inside of myself from which I then perceive I need MORE knowledge and information to stop the friction I myself created and then accepted and allowed
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being prepared as with plenty of knowledge and information is a sign of intelligence, which it is, it's the sign that I have successfully filled my head with useless knowledge and information in fear that I may appear stupid if I didn't, before moving myself in and as the physical world
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what will the people around me say/think if I make a decision for which I cannot prove to have done/overdone in fact my homework because I fear they may think I am a fool, instead of seeing and realizing that I fear my own judgement of myself as a fool, because I have already judged myself in the past as a fool for having made wrong moves due to the fact that I had not taken the time to inform myself which I have equated with piling up tons of information so I won't have to face my own self judgements as a fool again
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to despise people who have not collected tons of knowledge and information such as I did and for thinking they are fools and should never talk because almost everything they say it's stupid, without realizing I can only judge myself no matter how far and how well I motivate my projections of my own self despise in self judgement
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when yesterday with my students I realized I was about to push her to study either through Fear or through Diminishing her and when I forbade myself from doing either I saw I did not know how to talk to her effectively because so far this is the only way I have taken on board about HOW I motivate myself to pile up knowledge and information and for seeing that I did not have the RIGHT information on how to talk to her in a supportive way I moved into self judgement and then shame which is why I then left at the peak of my irritation so I would not open my big mouth and then say something I would regret and for feeling ashamed of myself I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Self so much that I have lost touch with the common sense of how to talk in a supportive manner to another human being, because even when I asked myself 'how would I want to be treated' I could not see an answer as I never saw any choice than being motivated either through fear of failure or the fear of being diminished and so an alternative to who I have been was not here because I was not Here and did not trust myself that I could express myself in self honesty in a way that would be mutually beneficial, for me as change and for her as me as support
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and what I may say, do, think in my pursuing intelligence as a weapon and an armor with which I arm myself and harm myself at the same time
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to 'intelligent people' such as those who held more information and knowledge than myself and for, instead of correcting this experience of myself to stop the fear, seek to even out the play field to NOT experience that fear again, which would be impossible because in the whole world there will always be someone who knows more than me so the point to realign is not the knowledge and information but to stop defining myself through knowledge and information, taking back my value from where I have erroneously invested it, in my search to be more in fear of being less/not enough.
When and as I see myself move or about to move into the Information/Intelligence Gatherer Character, I stop, breathe, assess in self honesty if I need that information in that moment, if I can live that information or if I am hoarding info just for value, and if I see that I am on an info hoarding trip I stop, I breathe and bring myself back Here to stop participating in fear and then the desire to 'do something' to stop the fear
When and as I see myself moving into Conflict with myself about a point of perceived 'required knowledge and information' that I lack I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that such point is coming from the Fear of not Knowing Enough, not having Gathered Enough Intelligence, so I breathe and bring myself back Here instead than giving in to the fear of not Knowing enough, not being 'intelligent' enough as I see, realize and understand I am not defined by my knowledge and information, nor is anyone else.
I commit myself to stop my existence as the Intelligence Gatherer and to explore this Character if and as it comes up until I no longer exist as such Character, but stable Here in and as Breath
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