Day 400: Relationship Support - Go away Fatso

I had a conversation with my mother about why I want to lose weight and some interesting things emerged, which are tied in to why I have not lost weight yet.

So, against all odds - again comes this point of self judgement regarding my weight- I became interested in a man who was also interested in me, against all odds is because I have been overweight since I came back to Italy and hence I have lost 'value' in my own eyes due to being fat vs fit.

As the relationship developed and I discovered I really liked this man, a process that goes against any logical explanation started, which was that I put on more weight vs losing it.

Prompted by my mother questions about my weight gain and why I was stuck into not losing it, this is what emerged

how do I know if he really loves me if I get fit?

what will happen when I will 'gain value' through losing weight to my relationship?

will I still be interested or will I start to move 'on the market' because I believe I could have more/better than the man I have now?

is the value of the man I have now only in the fact that he accepts me as fat vs fit?

am I using all of the above as an excuse to not change my eating patterns?

what does all this say about me and my dishonesty in my relationship?

Of course this has had a lot of backlash, things that I suppress and then I blame him for like the fact that I don't feel attractive and then project this on him or the fact that if he searches for me for sex I find it demeaning and devaluing it to him, meaning he is less interesting to me because he is interested in me as a fat lady although I could not stand it if he made any comment about it in any way.
Quite a conundrum that I want to unravel with self forgiveness now and self corrective application to stop my fears and projections stemming from the first point of self judgement as fat is ugly and unworthy so, what is a man doing with me now? What are his REAL motives to be with me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being fat or fat people as ugly and unattractive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate being fat with being a slob, for associating being fat as something that is socially unacceptable because I held on to memories of when I was a child and I started to overeat to suppress stuff that was going on in my home, linking food to comfort and a sense of consolation instead of seeing, realizing and understanding we have created a society that paints specific images of women and what body shapes are ok and what not because we are dysfunctional and have become more invested in pictures than in substance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare my body to those images of what would have been acceptable and for setting in my mind standards against which every time I departed the standard I felt diminished and devalued, not seeing, realizing and understanding I was the one accepting those body image standards in the first place as 'the way I should look' and then attempted to align to those expectations to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being fat is just a matter of lack of self discipline and restraint when in fact there are many things at play in weight fluctuation that I have never considered before or cared to consider before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner may make a comment out loud about me being fat and unattractive and within this fear from feeling resistance at the idea of being intimate

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself and the consequences I have created for myself as in this weight gain, which made me resist looking at the point and trying to deflect the blame of how I feel about it on my partner

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not want to go on the scale because I preferred to believe I did not gain so much weight and for feeling a sinking sensation when I did go on the scale and saw the weight I reached and had to face the reality of where I am at and embrace it before I can change it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist losing weight because I have judged the idea of being slim as in being attractive and since I embarked on this journey to life I have placed a judgement on being attractive or wanting to be attractive and therefore I created an internal conflict between what I really wanted and what I pushed myself into, until I felt uncomfortable in my own skin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being 'attractive' as in slim as a point of vanity, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I can redefine the word slender without emotional attachments and accept that my body built is slender and I don't have to make anything more of it than just embrace the design of my body

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in the common lie that I don't care about all the weight I have put on because I would like to be that kind of person that did not care, when I care on multiple levels some of which are health connected and some of which are system connected and I can correct my stance about my misalignments instead of trying to pretend to be ok with something I am not ok with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be ok with who I have become due to my weight gain because I believe that in the process of gaining weight I have lost value, which is the value I had deliberately placed on being slender and fit without seeing, realizing and understanding that whenever I place the value of me outside of myself into an idea or a belief I will have to soon or later face that point of divestment until I can return to myself what I have misplaced in an attempt to seek more value for myself believing I don't have value and have to work to 'gain value' one way or another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I refused to embrace myself as I am I was making a statement that I was sooner or later going to address this point, when in fact not embracing myself as who I am separated myself from myself and made it impossible for me to direct this point to a solution

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by stressing about my weight and then suppressing the truth of how much I disliked this new body I felt alien to, I only prolonged the moment in which I would be able to stand and do something about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose weight I will have to face my mind construct that states that ' no man is good enough for me because I could have whoever I want' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that this is an extra reason why I should deliberately go to the place where I know this construct activates, while I script another behavior for myself so I can face this point in the physical and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts, fears, beliefs and opinions about my weight gain instead of looking at the practical solution of addressing this point and solving it so I can stop this constant preoccupation that I spend much time to suppress and pretend it's not there at all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to project on him my own insecurities, self judgements and fears and for secretly blaming him for what I did not want to take responsibility for because I did not want to look into this point in all its aspects and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my partner's motives to be with me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was projecting on him my own self judgements about my weight and being fat while reducing him to someone with 'ulterior motives' because I judged myself as 'not looking good enough' to be in a relationship with an attractive man that is younger than me

When and as I see myself worrying about my weight, about to worry about my weight, starting to think about my weight, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this point is directed as I saw that the solution is to lose the weight and face my fears as I get to my comfortable weight and as I am on my way there and that I don't need to keep piling up weight in order to value my partner for accepting me 'the way I am'

When and as I see myself fearing that I might not be losing weight fast enough now that I have realized this point of self sabotage, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am not racing to lose weight but returning my body to a place where I feel comfortable and where my movements are in no way impaired or made difficult by the weight gain and that there is no specific weight I need to reach and I may or may not enter again in the clothes I used to wear and that shouldn't be a concern at all, when I will feel comfortable in my movement if I cannot fit my old clothes I will address that point then

When and as I see myself projecting myself forward into the future in fear of what I will do when the construct 'no man is good enough for me' activates, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have the time to work on that point before the point comes and to work out a script I can anchor myself to, so I will not be swayed into an alternate reality of the mind forgetting I have a man I have committed to and with whom I am building an agreement for the first time in my life

I commit myself to walk through all the layers in my mind in relation to food and weight to sort out my self judgements, beliefs and ideas until I can live comfortably in my body in and as it.

Related articles

• Day 45 - Never Skinny Enough, Never Curvy Enough
• Day 101: "The Italian Beauty Judge" Character
• Day 381: Prey to the Food God

Day 189: Social Engineering - The Illusion of Choice

I am still walking my Food Persona as that is quite wide and has many facets to correct.

Within this today I knew I watched this great animation about Choice, which tied in quite nicely.

I will take this delusion of Choice into my relationship with Food to start with.

So, as a kid, my mum was raising me single handedly and we did not have Money for Choices, we just had enough Money to survive, she would shop for food once a week and I would watch the fridge empty out til the coming Saturday when we would shop at the Open market again. I did not like that, as toward the end of the week food choices would become limited, specifically because I had other choices in my life, I could go to my grandparents who lived comfortable lives and open one of their 2 always overflowing fridges or just go shopping with them to fill the cart with 'whatever I wanted'.

In Italian there is a saying my mum used to repeat to me 'The 'I want' Grass only grows in the King's garden', meaning I had no rights to 'wants' but only to 'needs'. On the contrary when I went to my grandparents I had plenty access to the 'I want' grass, they didn't only make it available, they pushed it on me, they were the Pushers of my Illusion of Choice.

As I started to walk back my Life in Self Honesty I had to face the fact that my grandparents 'Love' for me was in fact 'Spite' toward my mum, they enjoyed giving me what they were still not willing to give to her, they enjoyed the friction this created between me and my mum as that made them good when they feared to be bad and that they were the cause of some of my mum's mental problems, and they were too.

On my side walking back has brought me a lot of shame, as I saw and realized how I made up a whole bunch of Characters to cover up what I experienced for selling out my mum for Riches and the Illusion of Choice, for the Hope of my own place in the Paradise of the Rich, I would have dumped her anytime in the Money Short Hell she created for herself -this one of my justifications, she built the life that sucked and that she was now living out, why join in?-, but that was not enough, I had to make it her fault. These days when I read the comments on our posts about 'how good we are truly' I feel rage, not to the people that post the comment, to myself, that I could ever even believe it and cover up my misfits with Love and Light it took some balls, in truth my mum was the most caring of my Family which is why possibly she was the one struggling the most with Life, she would pick up stranded strangers, always step in to break a fight, she stood up for injustice so I feared that I might end up like her if I ever cared too much, with one foot in a Mental Asylum and a backstabbing family and made my choice. 

Stick to the rich backstabbers, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

This of course drove my mum closer to craziness, sometimes she would try to make me give back what I was given by my grandparents or not allow me to go on special trips and treats, that was her way to try to lever the Field, to reduce the unfair advantage she perceived they had on me as she could not match the Money required to buy me out, my price had gone up on the Family stock market and she didn't have enough Money to sit and play.

Coming from a Catholic background I had to live with the perception of myself not as One of the bad Apostles, but as Two of them, I was both Peter and Judas, Peter as the traitor, every time I promised to myself I would stand up for my mum, but then like Peter, before the cock sang 3 times I was sold out, and then Judas for the freaking Sweets, give me my fix, give me my happiness in a candy wrap, I'll give you the woman you want, my life is safer with you anyway, what if she does end up in a Mental place and I have alienated you? No fucking way.

So, Food as the Illusion of Choice became the bag of the 33 dinars, food became the unhealthy thread that justified what I did and since I condemned myself for my sell out, in my own condemnation I kept this link alive, I con-damned myself to this servitude to Food, made it my Master and became its slave.

Where is the Free Choice in Our Lives, Really? Aren't we the product of our environment, of the information as 'genies' we download from our family line, of our society passed on and then embedded in the Flesh Fears for our own Survival,.

Where was my Free Choice to be something else, where is our Free Choice now when our Lives are tied into a Monetary system that thrives on the Illusion of Choice, showing us continuously how much Choice we have starting from Food, look you can have 350 types of cheese, 50 types of cereal, 200 types of candies, 300 types of drinks, we'll tell you which ones to buy by flashing into your brains Happy ads to show you Which Choices to make, follow the happy faces, the Happy dreams, the happy boxes, drawings, characters, follow the Illusion of Choice, it is deliberately created, Avracadavred into the World Harry Potter style, Believe It, you are SO FREE, look how much Choice you Have even only about FOOD, follow the next trend, the next white rabbit, because if you do wake up to the fact that that's about it, those are The Only Choices you are prompted and designed to believe you can make, not the Choices that Matter, like where is Public Money spent, on which Priorities, who says that arming a country to its teeth against Imaginary Enemies is a Priority and not a Mental Illness, don't go there, stay focused on Food, look what we cooked for you, grated, spiced up, minced, don't look at the substance, look at the Magic of It All, or this System runs the serious danger of being Fucked for good and asked to Change Once and for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a state of servitude between myself and Food in the name of my delusional, illusory Right to Free Choice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the Food 'Choices' I was given by my grandparents were not meant for my good but for other energetic manipulative reasons that involved my mum and what was best for them and not what was best for me or my mum

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my grandparents loved me MORE because they gave me access to everything I wanted while my mum did not, ending up associating 'Love' with being given something, being rewarded, being pacified, abdicating my responsibility toward myself for Self Love and Unconditional Self Acceptance

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sell out for Food and for perceiving and judging myself like a traitor and someone who did not deserve to live due to what I deliberately did to my mum by choosing my wants over what is best for all and for entering a spiral of embitterment that I believed could only be placated and sedated by Sugar and Sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up Characters and Personas to justify why I had a right to do what I did to my mum because I could not face the shame I felt for myself and how I would do it again and again just to stay in the graces of the rich people of my family and when the shame became too big I split into alternate personalities that had reasons and motives to justify my behavior

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to treasure my right to "free choice' without realizing that I was never Free and that I was choosing between poisons that my family would happily feed me to conquer me and my love in the face of the fact that the food I chose was not good for me nor supportive to my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mum cheap approach to shopping without realizing that she did not have a choice and she did what she could with the money she had, but since I had embraced my new "Rich Granddaughter Character" I grew in Entitlement and resentment in the same proportion, seeing my mum as deliberately NOT wanting to cater to my wants, unlike my grandparents, and therefore Not Loving me or she would have done it differently, she would have given me MORE and especially MORE choice, instead of just feeding me for sustenance without caring about my preferences and whims and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my sense of Misery for having to return home from my grandparents home on her making Her responsible for the Choices that were not available to me at home, failing to see that my mum was just a slave in a system of Inequality and the fact that she tried to make her life work did not make her less than a slave, but just a slave who tried to survive day by day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my mum as someone who was doing something 'wrong' because if she was right, like my grandparents, married and rich, she would have a husband and more money and I would have had a better Life instead o the life of limited choices she could offer to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the system was fine and it was my mum out of whack, because this system worked for other people, like my grandparents, instead of facing the injustice of the system we live in, where a mother has limited choices and can be overcome, deleted, annihilated by others who have More Choices, because we are all secretly seeking our Right to Choose in Self Interest, instead of standing up for the Right of All to have access to the Same Good Choices and stop all suffering on Earth once and for All. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this system, hoping that I would make it to the top, not like my mum who didn't and seemed to not even mind about it, instead of seeing that a System where some have All Choices and some none must be a System that is Not Right, and for deliberately missing out on this point even when faced by it inside my own Home, because it was easier to blame my mum for her underachievement than to stand in Self responsibility as a point of self correction to guarantee that a Dignified Life and Equal Choices will be available for All, and they will within an Equal Money System which I support unconditionally, for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 126 - There is No Choice
• Day 186: Social Engineering - The Downfall of Happiness
• Day 209: Quantum Systemization - ADC - Part 57
• The Missing Piece - Day 159
• Day 107: Getting Reality to Conform to an Illusion
• The Brands that Own the Brands & The Illusion of Choice [Infographic]