Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to  try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet  believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what  tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends'  which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow

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Day 69: I get Money Support: I regress

Since I came back to Italy I have not found a job, I have not looked as if I were dying because I was not, and so I have diligently sent out CVs and letters in my area of expertise for Italian, and since one month, for worldwide positions.

My mum asked me how I was doing with money 2 days ago, and I said I am living on the credit card, which she pointed out is a debt Card, funny how just words will change the way we 'feel' about things, I felt 'better' when I saw myself living on Credit than living on Debit.

Then she offered me some money, she told me I must become thrifty in the way I shop until I have a job (in comparison to my famous lavish spending habits -of the past-) and she told me she too lives a thrifty life, that I can buy the salad at the market and wash it for the whole week instead of the one prepared by the supermarket, this way I can have salad for 1 euro for the week instead of buying it for 6 euro prewashed, mixed and cut, it's a small saving but it all adds up.

She told me as well that many generations before us had it harder, they had wars to overcome, and this is just a tiny economical bump on the road and we will overcome, together united, until the next 'good times ' come.

While I was listening to her I felt irritation that at my age I have to be 'told' about where and how to buy the salad I eat and about watching the unfolding of how brainwashing is done to children, where we are taught that hardships are normal unless we are born rich and we have to just clench our teeth and push and pull until we make it, transforming ourselves and the world in a Monstrosity of Competition for Survival of The Fittest within a World of UnEquals.

Ah the power of Money, Money buys us the power of lecturing and telling others what to do and who to be, or this is what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have applied consistently in the position of the 'Money Giver' throughout my Life.

It seems this belief runs across cultures as well, my ex Filipino helper used to say 'Money Talks' as she held the tight strings of a family of 12 back in the Philippines supporting everyone with the money she was making in Hong Kong and dictating how was everyone supposed to live and be, since they lived off her hand.

I did not address this reaction to the 'salad talk' 2 days ago because it was slight and ALMOST imperceptible and basically I believed she was just RIGHT lecturing me since she was the one giving the money to give me some breathing space, so yesterday when my mum called me in the evening for the 2nd day in a row, a habit we had managed to change as we don't have enough to talk everyday, I felt annoyed and irritated again and our conversation ended up not being pleasant, nothing to do with her of course, it was just me, having suddenly regressed into the personality of when I was a teenager and had to be supported (and resented it, as support equaled no decision power for myself) and when we talked about the Condominium meeting on Tuesday I was resisting going, as if it was not my problem, this is her house, I am penniless=powerless and obviously de-mented so what can I contribute of value ? I even saw myself doing this, but not the root cause, I just held that it was not 'for me' to go, I have no responsibility, I am 'kept'.

On the other hand of this 'being kept' I had a first time experience in my Life, Desteni offered me sponsorship until I walk myself back into the system, before I spoke to my Buddy, I went into fear of all the things I would now be required to do being on the "dole" like making videos which is a point of stress  because the 2 half days I have spent to try to work out how to record it didn't work and is another point of facing 'something new' to add to the pile, so I assumed I would have to align to a list of things to do and would have to comply, having lost my negotiating power by being now supported and now a Money Provider to the project, instead I was not asked anything, which sent me into a state of anomaly, like I lacked the 'driver' as in an operating system to tell me 'now what', what am I supposed to do now, where is my To DO List, the catch ?

As I write this my eyes swell up with tears as I realize I have never given anything for anything in my life and everything I have given, including 'feel good energy', sex and Money, had strings attached, so here the realization is that we cannot change a system of Self Interest to What is Best for All, until each one of us Change themselves as The System of Self Interest into What is Best for All, so thank you Desteni for showing me what giving with no strings attached is and how relieved everyone would Equally Be if Money had No Strings Attached but was a real Life Support for All of Us and All Life forms on Earth as Earth, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation toward my mother because of our talk in which I had to acknowledge that I have not been self responsible with my Life and my Money that I could have used to support myself longer instead of having to rely on the support of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry a myself for having walked away from a dream job that would have made me lots of Money, instead of seeing and realizing I had to walk away from everything before I could reassess my Life as in What is Best for All and not What was best for me in my Self Interested make up as a Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because 'I have missed out on a great opportunity to make Money' and within holding this self judgement not allowing myself to see the gift I gave myself to stop existing as a Self Interested Individual Unit of Energy/Money to realign myself to What is Best for All and myself as the All/Whole

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for what she taught me about Life and accepting our position of suffering, which led me to built a personality of an overachiever, meaning over as in competing with others for Money and Status to guarantee my Survival in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for the point that whatever I was taught it was me accepting and allowing myself to become a Money making machine and within this I forgive myself for judging myself for my developed ability to make money, which now stands in the way of my return to the System as Self Judgement of myself in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money Talks, as in Money has the real Power, which led me to desire to have Money as Power over others so I could dictate what they should do and what they should be to fulfill my desires of value and worth, while I separated myself from Self value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life without Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who holds the Money has the Power and the responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it was me who gave up my self responsibility for Money desiring to 'be kept' missing the point that being kept means enslaving myself within my desire to Not be Self responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be responsible for myself and this Creation, Equal and One, hoping that either Money would uplift me from responsibility or I would abdicate it to the ones with Money of my own will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I would have to do when Money/Support is given to me, because since everything I have given in my Life so far has always had strings attached, I fear which strings are attached to what is given to me in terms of Money/Support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I saw that NOTHING I have ever given has been string-free and for desiring to hide this truth to myself about myself because I feel diminished in the acknowledgement of who and what I have allowed myself to become, instead I see I have the opportunity to change and learn how it is possible to give with No Strings Attached as I walk my process of elf Correction back into Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may not know how it is to give without strings attached and that I may fail again, instead of seeing that I have made a decision and if I should fail I will simply remind myself I have engaged myself automatically in and as The Mind, I stop, breathe, and correct myself until Giving with no Strings Attached becomes who I am and me as a piece of this world has corrected and realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to cut the strings that I have laid out through what I have given and received in the past, so that we may All break free from the bondage of this self created slavery of the Debt System and start to live as Life, for ourselves and existence Equal and One.

Day 42: The Lone Ranger - Support vs Harassment

I have started to doubt that when I do reply to people or contact them to 'make a point', I am in fact harassing them vs supporting them.

This is because when I do not see 'the benefits' meaning 'an outcome', meaning suddenly hundreds of people joining the Forums or a river of people getting excited about Equal Money I believe I have failed and therefore I have not effectively supported them or 'they would have gotten the message'.

This proves that I doubt myself being effective in the 'deliverance' of the message, instead of seeing that it is nothing personal but it is controversial message, in comparison to all the 'feel good/angelic/love and light' ones, and that as one of my friend told me here in Italy, there is nothing wrong with the message or how we are trying to spread it, in the sense of effectiveness, it is about people Not Wanting to Hear It, which is not the same thing as taking this point personally and making a big deal out of it.

When I see how I heard the MessAge I cannot pin point the exact moment when everything seemed to finally make sense, because I remember the extensive resistance I first felt for not wanting to give up my idea of benevolence regardless to the evidence of the world staring me in the face, yet I kept exposing myself to it, dragging myself to it because even what I did not get, something in me got it, it was Brutal and Honest, it was about 'take off the blindfolds of Love and Light' and just look around to face Yourself.

And when I could no longer deny that something was and is in fact terribly wrong with this world it was a Self Realization, nobody stands out as having convinced me of anything nor was I drawn to Desteni, nope, I was NOT drawn to Desteni at all, it did not resonate with who I was and what I wanted to believe, yet the message was consistent and clear, did I want a change in this world ? Then I had to change myself, period.

So for someone like me flying on the Love and Light cloud the descent on planet Earth was not only not appealing but something I resisted, when I go back to seeing my initial approach to Desteni I can see through my own experience what many others are probably going through the same points as me with this MessAge, it is not about me not being effective, as in finding ways to string words together efficiently, but it is the Message itself that is being resisted.

Which brings me to the other point, that since B, told me my words may have an impact, I took that message to mean I have a DUTY AND a license to kill, I have placed a Double 00  in front of my name, I gave myself a Desteni Badge and I am now the (Self) Elected Sheriff, Patrolling the Internet, so I have had and still doing quite some equalizing on this point, even more than before, because before when I had no acknowledgement or had not been given the double 00, according to my mind, I was more sure of myself or had not set 'targets' for myself, I would see a point where Common Sense was lacking and try to post Common Sense about it, simple easy peasy, expecting nothing from it, not the conversion of people nor the positive feedback from Desteni because I was walking the process but not yet in acknowledgement.

Since that chat I have been fucking with myself quite consistently, in the sense that I tried to no longer speak just for myself but for 'The Group' which is in fact a mindfuck, because I can only speak for myself and for what is Best for All, and I cannot ever hope to speak for The Group, because we are a Group as Life, yet we exist individually and I cannot cover the points others among us may have seen and Self Realized but just what 'I" have seen and Self Realized and are walking into existence.

So time to stop the mindfuck and the harassment of myself and others, I am not the Lone Ranger here, just a common person that is standing up in Self Support and support of others when I see a chance, yet I will no longer hold expectations on the outcome because this leads to me feeling and judging myself as ineffective and that can only happen if I have set an effectiveness target in my mind as 'turnover' or  'recruiting' which is not Real, I am nor recruiting, nobody can be recruited into Desteni and Desteni is not recruiting or having 'turnover' head counts, Desteni is an Open Space that stands for Equality and Oneness, everyone is welcome but no one is dragged into it because unless One Self Realizes that a Change is needed and it must start with Each One of Us, they would not be having a Self realization but would have been scared there or pulled there, whichever way they would not have had a chance to exercise their 'Free Will' and self directive principle into Standing in and as Life to change themselves and the world to What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting comments and therefore for posting anyway forcing myself when in Fear, because I believed I am on a mission on behalf of God, like the Blues Brothers, instead of looking at the point of why I fear moving into some territories that I have judged more and beyond me so I can equalize myself before seeing clearly if my posting is supportive or if it's just me on the attack trying to prove that I'm in fact not scared to post and not inferior to the territory/people I am wanting to approach, instead of clearing my fears before and then eventually post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self righteousness because in my self righteousness I would try to make the other person less than me or to prove they are fucking with themselves when in fact I am still fucking with myself and I could spend the time working out my own points into equality and oneness and then stand as an example of what Equality and Onenessmeans as Support of Others as self Support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and desiring to be self righteous as a way og gaining value over another because I am right and they are wrong, or trying to make them wrong so I can be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to check everyday the Forum to see if we have new people coming as a point I use to measure my effectiveness in writing, instead of seeing my effectiveness in writing is determined by me and by how I walk my process in writing to Change myself into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may not know what to say or to fear that the comments I leave may be coming from my Ego, instead of applying the tool of checking with myself if I am coming from a reactive place, Breathe and if no reaction exists in and as me just post without judging my posts but trusting that I have posted what would have supported me in the same situation of blindness and stop 'thinking' that I am trying to bring the person down or mock them, just because I used to do this, when I see that to not be true by the point of having checked with myself and having cleared myself before I wrote, I am not my Past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that now I must post for the Group bestowing on myself an impossible task that I could never accomplish because we are a Group in our stand for and as Life to manifest What is best for All, yet each one of us is walking an individual process of realignment and I couldn't through the biggest effort, cover all the angles of all of us within the Group, nor it is my task to do so, but to simply post my own common sense where I see an opportunity to engage someone in offering a perspective that may not have been considered

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an outcome from the comments I post, because when there is no outcome I judge myself as ineffective as I apply the Capitalistic Marketing Tools and Measuring Tools, to the spreading of a message of Equality and Oneness, that is not like a product people may want to buy of which they don't know the existence, this is a Message that we could have all worked out by ourselves, to Give as You would Like to Receive, yet we didn't because we did not want to, because our lives were working and so it is possible that some lives may have to come crashing down like many of our lives at Desteni, when nothing worked anymore and so we are not better or ahead of others, we were just accelerated by Life into our landing on the planet and we'll be Here to assist the other landings when they take place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am now the Lone Ranger, having been given license to kill, which I have interpreted and then used against myself, adding one extra layer of fuckedupness to my process in which I had to now watch that I wouldn't pull the guns out when it was not in fact required or supportive and added an extra fear to my participation, having mistaken the acknowledgement of my acquired ability to string words together effectively, with the idea that now it is MY DUTY to string the words together as marketing tools, bringing customers to the Desteni Enterprise, which exists only in My Mind, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I do is only important if it has a return and not just as a measure of who I am and what I stand for, without any string attached

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself under pressure about an imaginary duty that I now have to string together words to the maximum efficiency to recruit, which is an outflow of the point I have described above, because I am either selling or recruiting as I'm still walking the point of understanding what it means to do something just for myself, just to express common sense for those that are ready to hear and not as a mission to have something in return to confirm that I am doing good and well as a way to gain value for myself, instead of seeing the value of me is the value of me as Life to which nothing needs or is required to be added but by me as the Mind who lives in fear and isolation in the separation from Breath and Life and All there Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my support may be read as harassment , because when I wanted to hold on to Love and Light, if someone came knocking on my Love and Light door I would have felt Harassed and I would have resented the awakening from my own delusion, instead of seeing I am projecting on others what I believe I would have felt in the same situation, which is just an assumption of my mind with no relation to reality, so I accept that it doesn't matter how others feel about what I post because what I think and feel is my responsibility and what others think and feel is their responsibility and a point for them to deal  with, not because I don't want to assist or I want to wash my hands about it, but because I can't and I never will be the source of the experiences of another within them as I don't have such power and so I cannot take their response-ability on their behalf but only on my behalf for what goes on and every reaction that moves within me

I forgive myself for not trusting myself because I am still new to walking Self Trust as me and I accept that I will have to build this Self Trust through Self Honesty and Self Corrective application, until my Without and my Within are Equal and One and I stand Equal and One to Life and existence for What is best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into judgements or thoughts about what I am about to post on Facebook or Twitter, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I must check that there is no reaction within me, if there is any, I Breathe until it stops or write it out and Self Forgive it and only when I am clear from ideas and judgements and Desires to achieve any outcome, I may post in and as support of another as me, to bring about a point of clarity and to share what I have self realized about existence and then in one Breath I let it go and trust that those aligned with the message and able to hear it will hear it and those that are not ready to hear it will not and it has nothing to do with me as in something personal as me Not being Effective

When and as I see myself holding the smoking gun, I delete my post before I post it, remind myself I am NOT the Lone Ranger and I am not out to harass people and I better stop and see why I have had the desire to attack, clear myself and if I cannot find a point of stability within a post, it means that I am not yet  Equal and One to that post, so I refrain from posting because this is not a race or a job I have to accomplish like the traffic warden by 'fining' a certain numbers of cars per day, I only post when and if I see something relevant and a point I can support for and as myself as self support

I commit myself to live Self trust as me and to build Self Trust through Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application to improve my communication skills supporting others One and Equal to me, as Self Support.