Day 14: On The Emotional Ride of the Interdimensional Interviews

 I have been listening to a lot of the Eqafe interviews, I am up to Anu's 24th, Relationships as Illusions of Control,  and I have started the Soul of Money series.

I have left the Atlanteans behind, I think I am only up to 18th, the Decision of Division,  the reasons is obvious, they are the Losers within our History, so basically my mind has filed them as 'what the fuck do they have to teach ? Look at where we find ourselves now...Hellooo ?"

So, much inequality in my perception of the Past as well, not everyone's message having the same worth, the Losers are Less worthy than the Winners, isn't this interesting, that with every move we make within us as the Mind, we consolidate this Reality of Abuse, where someone has to lose for someone to Win, and we praise the Winner, and leave behind the Loser, simply because the Winner has more chances to survive, the Loser has lost already, the Loser is me, us, what we have become in and as this system of Inequality and Abuse, the me I have tried so hard to leave behind.

Of course as I go through these interviews all sorts of stuff comes up, some of them I perceive as 'reassuring', yeah, we are going to make it, come on, the Mind is just my filing system, it's a support, nothing to Fear, the ones that I found most supportive are by far Anu's after rehab (free interview), a must hear, while others just still scare the living shit out of me, top of this list for now are, The Soul of Money series, I could only do the first one, as everything seems so big, I feel swallowed by the information into a black hole, come one, how are we ever getting out of this, and last night, Anu's Women , that One was scary too, more, was beyond scary, it gave me a sense of nothingness of the ridiculousness of this existence of the guilt and shame we hold on to when we have been mere pawns of an Interdimensional game, then anger, wanting to kick Anu's ass through the galaxies, have him come and live out a few life cycles and try this fucking creation out and see, how enjoyable it was to have our Minds polluted with sex of the kind he designed that led to pornography as an outflow and look how far we took it, and last night I had a moment of rebellion, 'have I accepted and allowed this, WHEN ? I fucking want a date, I want to see my acceptance and allowance of this fuck up, have I signed up somewhere? Did I understand all this when I accepted this Life experience, REALLY ? I want to see the evidence !"

Yet the evidence is all around me as this life experience, the signature is my own existence, I have signed up and sealed in in and with blood, I might not have had the full view or understanding but then why didn't I ask questions then ? don't they tell us to read the fine prints before signing something, it must come from the first of our fuck ups, READ THE FINE PRINTS MAN!

So, last night I experienced Anger AND another thing, a sort of collapse of the sex system (free interview) within me, a crippling of the sex system (free interview), like if whole filing systems were sucked into the black hole of this information and moved into nothingness, at least the ones that were held up by guilt and shame, and a sense of the ridiculousness of the emotion and feelings system, really, we feel emotions and feelings we can't even make sense of, except for digging them out to the original link, a belief, an idea, an opinion, a CULTural system, the realization that I do not in fact exist yet, I am JUST a filing system, and I have to clear out the files to find the engine of all of this, what I have buried underneath all of this, Life, the Life I have used and abused to power this mind show of which I did not even get benefits, as I was designed to be a bee worker into the beeingness of this Human experience, so I put down my design and walk away from it, will get back to listening to the Losers, because guess what, I am just one of them, a Loser, just like everyone else, poor, rich, it doesn't matter, we are all participants in the Game of Energy and so we are Losers from the start, as we left behind Life for a Game  to prove we were More, More than Life, that we could put up a brighter show, a more intense experience using the physical as our power source for our enter-tainment, just to come to this and find Out we left behind everything to turn into the nothing we have become, from which we will have to rewrite ourselves as Worthy of Life, the given we have given up in our separation from All there Is and manifested this Horror Show we now call The Human Experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Interdimensional interview as they go exposing how I, as a piece of creation and of the whole, participated with my acceptances and allowances and direct participation, in the manifestation of the world we now live as and in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the past, my past into winner and losers as I accept and allow competition to exists in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I perceive as too big for me to take on, as the World systems and their exposure in the Eqafe interviews, The Soul of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger toward the design of sex because I have given up my responsibility in accepting and allowing sex to become what it is today through my participation in sex in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce sex from a physical Self Expression to a merry go round of pictures and experiences of the mind that I use to stimulate myself into energy build ups and energy releases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at Anu for this creation because he was the winner and we were the losers, instead of realizing we all lost when we started our separation from Oneness and reduced ourselves to Frightened lackful beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that Anu went through the physical experience to taste a slice of the cake he baked for humanity, while not seeing that Equality means we are Equal and One, in creation and the fuck up of it and I just got to experience the manifested consequences of what I created within another expression of Self, as Anu is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to walk the manifested consequences of this manifestation without seeing that unless I accept the consequences of what is Here, I am not Equal and One to this Creation, as Creation always has consequences, and until I become Equal and One I cannot be effective at changing myself as the whole and the manifested consequences I create from Here forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this discomfort regarding The Soul of Money series because I felt I was behind everyone else and if I wrote this out I would be seen as weaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear being Weaker and others and my own judgement of myself as 'weaker'

When and as I see myself facing fear within the Interviews I am catching up with, I stop, breathe, look at which fears a specific interview has brought to light within me and apply self forgiveness until I stand clear from fear

When and as I see myself as useless after listening to the Grand Design that brought us all Here, I remind myself I was there a the time of creation since all this creation is Self, and I am Self, so I slow down to integrate and reawaken these memories within me as the Creator and not as the abused within the Human Experience Drama

When and as I see myself stuck on a point, I stop, breathe, write it out to apply self forgiveness and release myself from the stuckness and keep walking myself into my Self Correction to manifest Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All as I understand that I am the problem and I must therefore be the solution as well within Self Honesty and Self Responsibility

I commit myself to understand what happened that brought us where we are today and what was my participation in relationships of the mind that built the energetic cage we now found ourselves stuck in and as, so I can unlock the cage doors through my self forgiveness and release myself and others One and Equal as I move to no longer be a threat to myself and other parts of Self, by embracing Self Honesty and Self Responsibility for everything that is Here, One and Equal, that I have created through my acceptances and allowances or my direct participation and STOP this creation so we may rewrite on the empty sheet I become, a world that is Best for All

Day 8: The Ex that was never X

This morning I knew I wanted to write on a specific point that came up when I went to the gym yesterday, which is my connection to the word 'wet' :), even though this connection opened up the whole sex system and I was reticent to write about it in 'public', I found out as well how many topics I have to write about, seemingly innocent points that come up during the day, like 'I hate Jews" out of any apparent context or my connection or even conscious awareness of the point, to Hong Kong that I have not yet cleared in writing, especially my relationship with Michele my friend, so I'm making a list here to go back to each one of these, but when I read the mail this morning an urgent point opened up.

My ex husband sent me an email, to ask me about my travel agent in Thailand, this annoyed me greatly, because something happened on which I had built an extensive, although suppressed back chat, 10 days ago and I did not address it, instead I brushed it under the carpet believing that since we are not in contact regularly, it would go away.

The point was that 10 days ago I started to feel guilty about NOT telling him that we, as permanent residents of Hong Kong had the right to apply for a tax refund of 600 Euros, yes, Hong Kong is so rich that is giving tax money back to their citizens as a balance sheet surplus, money that they could use to improve the lives of those who are really poor in the city, like the Filipino maids, and who are a great asset to this city in which nothing could move without the Filipino workforce that amount to 300000 people, but they never had the chance to apply for permanent residenceship as they are not considered Equal worthy citizens even after  20 years of residence in the city.

Anyway, WE, the white Caucasians and a few wealthy Indians, have this right either by birth, nationality or Money when both the previous are missing, applying is very easy as everything is in Hong Kong, since the city focuses on the happiness and on the easing out the lives of the Money makers of the world that decide to take up residence there, I just had to go on my bank website and fill out a form, easy peasy, 4 weeks later I got the money credited on my account.

My ex husband has never been good with these things, he finds everything that needs reading of a bureaucratic nature tedious and he gives up before even trying, so at first I had quite some spitefulness going  on, like fuck it, why is it my responsibility to let him know, isn't he big enough to handle his own stuff, in the mixture there some resentment as well for our life together and for one particular incident I see now I should write about and I will. Anyway, these thoughts kept churning until one morning I decided to just write him a note to explain about the refund and how to do it, inclusive of links, I wrote him an email and sent him a msg on Facebook too. No Reply.

This was 2 weeks ago, so when I received his message today, I felt angry, in fact I still feel angry, because he always contacts me when he needs information, like I'm the yellow pages of his life and then he closes his messages with sentences that make me want to smack him, this one closed with 'I will see you, sometime, somewhere, somehow'.

So I replied with all the information required and just a note to say 'how is it possible to contact you unless by replying to one of your messages ?', this line was loaded, interesting because it is not at all in appearance but the most fascinating thing is that he replied with one line that said, in child transliteration in Italian 'I got scolfed'. He got the unspoken/unwritten load.

So, what are the points of all this irritation that I can address ?

First the point of my irrelevance in his life, it's obvious, I hate to be irrelevant in his life because if I still play the reaction game with him, he is not yet obviously irrelevant in mine.

Second, the point that he contacts me only when he needs something which makes me feel used but I still comply because I don't want to tell him to fuck off because this would make me doubt about my 'goodness' as a person, which is odd since I have already admitted to my non benevolence so it must be something else, yes, I fear his judgement, meaning I fear my judgement as having lost my aplomb, having fallen to the "fuck you" point so I swallow the 'fuck you' and load an innocent sentence with the same 'fuck you' charge, which he gets in full.

Third, I dislike reading between the lines that he is happy with another woman, in fact happier than he has ever been with me, because in this I find a point of devaluation as I compare myself to her subconsciously and I come out as a loser.

Fourth, I don't like to not be in control of how this relationship goes, so he can contact me whenever he wants and I cannot, so it's not fair, a point of unfairness for the unbalance of the relationship.

Fifth, I hate to be moved into reactions when interacting with him, so every time i see one of his messages I anticipate it will piss me off, even though, in self honesty, I can see there is no intention of doing so and it is all my unresolved stuff between us that brings up such feelings and emotions.

Sixth I have not let go of the what it could have been and the point of regret, there is a link as well to my being back in Italy, a question he asked and I did not reply to, which was, "Are you happy? are you in Italy to stay ?", because this brings up the point of failure for myself of having returned to Italy after 17 years abroad, having nothing 'to show' for myself, like my life never happened for 17 years, it was an intermission between the life I hated in Italy before and the life I hate in Italy after, it sucks to even write this.

Plus I have a fear of writing this as my husband will for sure be back on FB and email for a while, having been scolfed' and he may get a chance to read it and I will feel exposed and even more of a loser than I feel  when I interact with him.

So off with facing all these points with Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being irrelevant in another's life and in the specific in my ex husband's life because I have defined my relevance by the feed back I get from others/from him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about my irrelevance in my ex husband's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more relevance on my ex husband than on myself as a feedback regarding my self worth, and for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Worth Here as Self Worth here  and not dependent on anything from the outside and separate from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'good' feedback from others regarding my relevance just to feed my Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prove my relevance as an Ego system instead of accepting my Self Worth as Self Here in breath One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband life is my responsibility because this is how I understood marriage and I have never let go of this responsibility allowing myself to feel guilty if I do not do something for him as it is my responsibility to fill in where he lacks, as in organization and being on top of what goes on around him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my ex husband lacked these qualities just because I had them and I wanted to be important and useful in his life until I managed to make him lacking in my eyes so I could be the needed filler

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel used

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others and for feeling guilty regarding using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to use others to have my desired outcome from my mental projections and fantasies about how my physical experience should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about using others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself about using others and making of myself a 'bad person'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell others to 'fuck off' and in the specific to my ex husband because he doesn't fulfil my idea of how our relationship should be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'fuck off' for the desire to look civilized and good and not showing I'm in fact overcome with emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my ex husband judgement of me as a deranged bitch that told him to "fuck off' without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement of myself as a deranged bitch that tells people to fuck off without any reason

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are good reasons to tell people to fuck off that have to do with my ego and being right while others are wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous that my ex husband as a good life because I associate the words 'good life' with having a successful relationship and since he sounds chirpy in his message I assume he has that and I don't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life with my ex husband's life to make myself a loser according to my ideas and beliefs of what a successful life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as the comparison construct in  which someone has to lose for me to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm not in control of this relationship just because I blame my ex husband for the way I feel every time we get in touch with each other instead of taking self responsibility and accepting that what goes on inside of me has nothing to do with him but is the result of my suppressed back chat that I am not willing to face to stop it and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in this relationship because I don' t like what it brings up in me instead of seeing it as an opportunity to face myself, stop, breathe and self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what has never been between myself and my ex husband  even though it should be clear that if it has never been the point of regret is a fantasy I made up together with what could have been but never was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories regarding my relationship with my ex husband so as to remember some  rare good times as a way to push myself into make belief regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my memories to highlight the bad times with my ex husband when I try to resolve the make belief point of regret by showing myself there is nothing to regret, instead of breathing, standing up to correct the delusional point of regret until I no longer exist one and equal to regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a failure because I am back in Italy without accepting it was my choice and Italy did not 'happen to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face my responsibility of in fact being back in Italy and having to do something here in regard to my participation in and as the system because I fear that if I do I close my door to leaving this country that I believe I hate as I hate my life in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hate Italy and my life when in truth i have always only hated myself and my participation in and as this system of abuse in which I was never better or worse but Equal in the fuck up and now Equal in a process of Self Correction in which I am no longer alone as a random unit of self destruction but One and Equal through the process I walk with others to correct myself as the self abuse of thoughts, emotions and feelings I participated in and beLIEved to be me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into irritation regarding a message from my EX, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is only Self here and whatever he brings up inside of me is an inside job and as such it is my responsibility to fix it and release the bottled up energy that the irritation is pointing at, standing in self honesty and self correction until no reactions move when I interact with him

When and as I see myself reacting or about to react to anything I read into one of My ex husband's messages, I stop, breath, remind myself anything I read that is not there is a fantasy in my mind and a result of accumulated back chat, I look at it in self honesty, write myself out and apply self forgiveness until there is no longer a reaction inside of me regarding to what he writes

When and as I see myself fearing a message from my ex husband I have not yet read, I stop, breathe, remind myself there is nothing I fear in this world but me and what goes on inside of me and that in self honesty and self corrective application I can correct my past until nothing of who I was remains and on the blank slate of my Ego I can rewrite a world that is best for All

I commit myself to investigate every reaction that comes up inside of me, look at the root cause and how I have created it through a self judgement that I have not yet forgiven and to forgive myself until I am no longer a reactive being that contributes to what we have become as the Mind Consciousness System in and as separation from myself and All There Is, but a Self Directive One that can stand One and Equal for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal