Day 20: A Future of Fear

When I looked for a picture to represent what I am going through I found this one with the caption 'Why people love being scared' ? Which is for sure a pertinent question with what has been going on inside of me.

I can see a few points all interlinked

• I fear knowing my future or my responsibilities, the ones I seemed to have agreed to and I don't know about

• I am having troubles with the posts "Heaven's Creation" and the interviews about the Money System (Soul of Money) as when I read them I want to skip along and I can't read them out loud because I feel I'm just as delusional as when I believed in LOA, how can I take responsibility for what I cannot remember I have done or for what I cannot see linked to me yet ?

• moved into paranoia when listened to Joao interview from which I immediately took out what could burden me and used it to burden myself

Then I spoke to my Buddy and the issue started to become clearer

• when I went to check on Veno's Resonance articles regarding a pain I have had in my back recently, I finally saw it clearly, I have huge resistance to dig into reality in all its aspects, I fear it and as well I find it horrific, I fear facing my own anger and resentment for what is going on, for where we find ourselves, for the others in the Group who don't have it, who seem to have accepted the horror movie we are living as Mind Consciousness System with flair, they seem to have said, Ah, OK, we have been put into an Enslavement Design, that's fine, please supply the map to get out. What about having been into this shit hole for eons to allow Heaven to go on undisturbed, what do we do with that, we sit and listen to Anu and feel grateful for the keys to get out, where is the rightful Anger and indignation ?

I fear digging into the rabbit hole in fear of facing my anger, which I have just realized is huge, I have suppressed it all, the shock, the anger, the wanting to scream and kick something, yet I see that this very participation is the root of my Anxiety, part of what is not allowing me to relax and just walk, it is the fear of facing the anger of me, the anger at me for finding myself into this situation, for having weaved a lethal web around myself and others just for the pleasure to participate in high and lows of a demented games of value, I feel Insignificant and I wonder how will I get out of all of this, of this feeling of not even existing.

Yet I see I have taken process into my dreams, I do self Forgiveness in my dreams so I know I am in no way walking away from process, but I am angry, at me as process, because if I did not fuck up I wouldn't be in process at all, I would be Self Expressing and not playing Sherlock Holmes into my Life of which a lot of memories are blurred and I fear I can't find the way out of this maze.

I reread my writings and I can see, I'm fucking with myself, in my fear of not facing my anger I am preventing myself from expanding, from having more capacity as I keep myself pre-occupied and in-capacitated with the Past and the Future and I'm not Here, in the only place where my power to change myself and the world to what is best for All is Real as only Here I exist, out of the Mind, in my walk in and as Life, giving as I would like to receive Life to Myself and All existence, One and Equal.

So I start with for-giving Anu, and the other races involved in this and the silly Atlanteans who believed they had to be led by something in separation of themselves/ourselves, and I see that this is what created this mess, the separation and the lack of self direction, so I stop participating in my mind regarding the Past that is not real, and the Past of our creation which is Here to be forgiven so I can move consistently and stop the Anger that I feel for me, for my idiotic desire to have someone else stand up for me, so I can stand up for me and walk, I stop my participation in re-sent-ment, this word yesterday flashed in my head in Italian Ri-Sentimento, meas to feel again and then I saw this point of fuck up, in which I hold myself feeling the same stuff over and over again, which means I must be having the same thoughts swirling and twirling in my head to produce the same Ri-Sentimento and I stop, I see that what I feel for others is my creation, I have been jealous of the other Destonians who have dealt with this point more effectively than me, hence I did not want to look at it and say it, write it, for me to see, where I am stuck in a loop of festering emotions that I use to not allow myself to break free, and I stop, because breaking free from my own limitation is what I have committed to, for myself and All of Existence for and as What is Best for All, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Anger and Shock for our Creation and for directing it outside of myself as a way of not having to face it in Self Responsibility and see that if All is Equal and One and I am the Created, I am the Creation and the Creator as well and it is only due to my existence of separation that I fail to see clearly the points explained and walked in the Blogs of Heaven's Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear my Future as a way to keep myself enter-tained in and as the Mind because I fear my Past and I don't want to look at it in self Honesty so I can equalize myself to it and let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I'm unable to see the points explained in heaven's Blogs because they are unrelated to me instead of seeing I fear to face my past in fear of the common sense I may see as the outflowing consequences I have to walk ahead of me to break free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Fear as a way to keep myself from walking through a point because fear prevents me to see what is laying underneath that needs to be addressed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own Fear which is just the Fear of looking at myself and what I have reduced myself to playing this game of winner and losers hoping to win without realizing that unless we walk in Oneness and Equality we are all losers

I forgive myself for accepting myself to desire to win in fear of losing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take something out of context with the purpose of finding an ammunition to shoot myself with, instead of applying myself in breath while I approach interviews and vlogs so I don't have to drag myself through them in my Mind generated Fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I boarded a train to Life and I am hanging from the back of this train running in Full Speed without giving myself credit for having in fact made the decision to board this train as me and not as something that 'happened to me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will walk away from this process because I do not allow myself to trust myself that this is a decision I have in fact made and I'm not turning back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing my responsibility as Life to Life in fear I won't be able to stand in and as it and I will fuck up process for everybody else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know what my responsibility is as a point of specialness that me as Ego can use to boost myself into finding 'purpose to my existence'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the losing of my ability to move myself in and as emotions and feelings because this is what I have been all of my life and now that I have to self direct myself  I feel lost and sometimes not up to the task

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of other Destonians who have not manifested this point but only the Joy of process because I allow myself to feel inadequate just because I was not wiling to look at the point of Blame of my emotions onto Creation, which is still onto myself, so I could release it and move with more ease

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Jealousy about process inside of me due to my own accepted and allowed judgements of how others are walking their process when in fact I know fuck all about how things really are for each one of us and what each one of us is walking to the same shared common goal of Life One and Equal for everyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to stand because I accept and allow myself to live in and as the past of my fuck ups, instead of seeing that each breath I take is an opportunity to start new and it's in THIS very breath that I make new statements and commitments about who I AM and then walk that point into Life as Life as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this process unnecessarily difficult for myself when I could have just kept walking and not allow myself to get distracted by my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my insignificance and losing myself while I see I can lose only what was never real and I am as insignificant as I allow myself to be within my mind, while when I bring myself back Here in Breath I am not in the Mind and expanding myself and my capacity with each Breath I take that is not Energy based but Life based

When and as I see myself tormenting myself or about to torment myself about my 'process performance, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no schedule to meet or performance table and that I just need to keep walking, One point at the Time, with no Blame for myself or others, with no Re-sentment for Myself or others, with no Anger for Myself or others, because we must have all participated or we would not be here and as I got myself here now I can get myself out of the here and now of the Mind, into the Here of Life, where Life has always been stable and One, waiting for everyone to come Home.

When and as I see myself looking for points of comparison to see how I am doing, I stop, remind myself of Marduk's interview about Process and walk mine, with no comparison or fear, One and Equal to the process of everyone, yet walking my own road back through my own fuck ups that cannot be measured or compared but just walked backward until all that remain is Here, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop pretending to be afraid as I know Fear is not real and that I am using it for self manipulation, instead I keep walking, for myself, for existence, until All is Free, One and Equal and Life can be born in and as the Physical.

Day 17: He Died because of Me

L. was my second 'official' boyfriend, we went to live together when my mum threw me out of her house when I was 19. I liked him since I was 17, but he was 5 years older and thought I was too young.

We met again one evening when I was 18, we went out for drinks with friends, flirted all evening and ended up having Sex in his office after we smoked some joints together.

He was into drugs, I had only done pot until then, he introduced me to some other drugs, like coke and amphetamines, I did not like coke, as coke was my normal state of being, on a speedy highway in thoughts and speech, I liked amphetamines, I felt I was God on them, totally disconnected from my body, no hunger, thirst, or tiredness, absolutely no physical discomfort of any kind, it felt great.

The down was terrible, if you shoot yourself up high, you may see how low you will go when you come down, I did not see it until the come down came. It was horrific, the pain in my body was extensive and everywhere, it took me 3 days to feel Ok again.

So I was in and out of powders pretty fast, I found that Pot was my thing, it slowed me down nicely and basically when I overdid it I would fall asleep, kept me quiet and unbothered and made me less prone to anger outburst, didn't have the energy for anger play outs.

For L. pot was not enough, he liked the roller coaster of drugs.

When we moved into a small apartment after sharing a room in a thugs house in my neighbourhood, we were OK for a while, we would spend our weekend stoned and having sex, he was much into Sex as well, so we got on fairly well, our communication was limited to talking about others as soon as we would be alone, I told him he was NOT the man of my life, I was sure about this, and I felt I had been honest about it.

Our Relationship was always troubled, we split and got together again a few times, sex always drove us back together, but we knew we were not good for each other and at one point I was ashamed of going back to him again and again and we saw each other secretly.

While we lived together I realized he was doing heroin with a common friend, the signs were there, small pupils and vomiting on and off after eating, I asked him and he said NO, then like women do, I told him, "tell me the truth, it's better, there won't be consequences, just be honest".

So he told me the truth, yes I do heroin occasionally with our common friend.

I felt betrayed and taken for a ride, as this had been going on for a while, I felt as well ashamed that someone else knew what I did not know that impacted on us so much, I felt ashamed as well of being with someone who was doing heroin, among the 'sane' one of us in our neighbourhood, we had seen many friends die, L.'s previous girlfriend that he left for me, started heroin too, and eventually died on it, heroin was the line we drew on what was acceptable and he had to cross it.

So I upped and left.

He came looking for me a few times, this is a very cultural pattern, Italian women leave so men can run after us and we get a sense of value, that our man saw our worth and missed us, something that did not happen with my ex husband due to not having the same cultural imprinting (and as I said possibly the relief to see me going), which left me sitting alone at the love game table unable to make any other 'move'.

After 3 months I had left I heard that he was on heroin now full time, he had to give me back some money I had lent him and he would come monthly to my office to pay his debt, the third month I was not there, my colleague told me that he was yellow and that he probably had caught hepatitis.

He called me on the phone, he said "please come back with me, if you do, I'll stop shooting heroin", and I felt angry for the blackmail, I told him, you stop for yourself first, then we see and I said 'NO, I can't, I don't even have the tools to help you, I'm a fuck up myself, I can visit, bring you something to read and chat but can't go back together'

I could not support him as I was not even able to support myself psychologically and I feared I would join in his black hole instead of being able to pull him out.

He did not kick the habit, he went to jail instead, twice, for trafficking, in jail he was tested and they found out he was HIV positive.

He told me he wanted to quit the first time he came out of jail and asked me to host him, I did as I carried the guilt for how his life had turned out, I would lock him in every morning and would come back every evening to have dinner together, a few days later I saw the same heroin use symptoms, I started to take the phone with me and this is when his withdrawal kicked in.

Two weeks later he was better, he asked me to let him go to work, he said he would meet another friend who had given up, so he would be unwatched for just 20 minutes.

One hour later his friend called, he had not turned up. I drove to our pusher's friend home, I rang the bell and L. came to open the door wasted, we looked at each other, I slapped him so hard he walked backward all the way to the wall never leaving my gaze where he just said 'ouch'. 

I said 'come and pack your things today' and left.

He came when R. one of our common friend was there, R. said 'I'll stay, just in case', when L. came he said 'I'm sorry I have let you down', this enraged me greatly and I went to the bedroom where he was packing up and we had a physical fight, I told him 'you have let yourself down you bastard', while I smacked him repeatedly. He just lied there and took it. R. had to step in, not for my sake as he may have wrongly foreseen, for L.'s sake.

Few years went by, he got in touch again, told me he was no longer on drugs, he quit after the last arrest thanks to a priest that helped him and could we see each other again.

When we met he looked frail and sick, they found out he had TB, I went to his home, it was a mess, he had always been so neat, even at the height of his addiction, I helped him to clean up everything, we threw away two huge bags of rubbish, I was on a visiting trip from Singapore and had to leave soon, he promised to keep himself healthy, eat good meals and take care of himself.

We called again when I was in Singapore, he told me he realized that everything he thought was actually coming true and was going through a omnipotence trip, few months later my mum and R. had to break down his door and call an ambulance to have him recovered in a hospital, my mum told me his home was a disgrace.

On the next trip back to Italy I went and visited him at the TB facility, he was in isolation, told me they would soon release him, that he had chances to get on a government support plan, we kept in touch by phone.

The last call he made to me I did not call back, two days later he died.

I was not on speaking terms with my mum at the time, so it was up to R. to send me an email, the email said

'Ele, I'm sad to let you know that L. passed away one week ago, I just went to his funeral, I'm sure you will agree this was the best thing for him too'

I did not cry, I felt it was the best he could do for himself at the stage he had got to, L. died to himself when they told him he had AIDS, for someone who had always cheated death with a flair that came as a blow he never recovered from, finally Life had caught up with him, he did not manage to run fast enough to cheat Death too.

I Forgive myself for Accepting and Allowing myself to isolate myself in my pot world so much that I could not care for myself or others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I did not go back to this relationship with L. when he started on heroin fearing that he would not get out and I would get in instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and define myself as a wasted person and for being unable to stand up in self support and practical support of another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that L. got hepatitis and HIV because I saw it as an outflow of my unwillingness to put up with his heroin habit to support him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself because L. got sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell someone 'there will be no consequences' deceiving them when in my secret mind I knew all along there would be and I'm just pushing for the truth they don't want to tell me, fearing the consequences of the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of telling the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the world of thugs in which we were born and raised and for believing we had no choices to change ourselves unless we cheated and lied about where we were from and our past

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to live a secret Pot life in which I did not let anyone in as I liked to project an image of myself as having it together and being in control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty whenever L. was arrested because I was never able to express my fears and let him know that since I did not trust myself to be able to change I could not trust him either and this was why I could never support him through his change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I couldn't change and for not trusting myself to be able to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better when his life became troubled because I could show myself I was right after all and that he would have never quit no matter if I had been present or not and that I made the right choice to not go back with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have Relationships with men for the sole purpose of having sex  that I enjoyed, not caring what that meant for them because I had been clear about me being just transiting in their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can find my worth in relationships with men and I can push it until they show me the worth I am after, either by leaving or staying and making myself special and within this I forgive myself for having desired to and made myself special and for having left as a way to gain value for myself instead of facing the point that I felt worthless to start with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless within my relationships with the men I left to prove I was worthy, due to my separation from Self Worth as Self Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to separate myself from Self Worth as Self here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that drugs are our way out in a world that doesn't make sense, instead of seeing why is this world not making sense and what I can do to change it into an experience where no one has to live the kind of experiences I lived while I grew up in fear in a thugs area where violence and survival where the name of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother's Pollyanna mindset as she thought and believed that the repeated setting on fire of the fruit stall in our square was just an accident while she refused to see reality for what it is, like I did through using pot, to not have to face reality as a scary abusive place in which some kids are just trained and left with the choice to do vile things to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that violence is a way to show disagreement in a passionate way, instead of seeing and realizing that passion means suffering and violence is just the physical outflow of the suffering we all share that explodes into the physical because we have not stood up against any form of abuse, starting with self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my relationship with L. on guilt for what I did not do to help him out of his heroin life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a void when L. died, because so many relationship threads were created between the two of us that I left unattended and did not clear out because I feared ending up going back with him to put a lid on my guilt, if I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that he died because I did not care enough, instead of seeing that he died because he did not care enough to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at L. for dying on me instead of sorting himself out so I could put my guilt to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a liar when later in life I spoke the words, "if you need me I'm here", because I had not been there for L. and look what happened

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to live and breath guilt as one and equal to me, instead of realizing guilt is my own creation out of my own judgement of myself that I have suppressed about L., the Past and what happened with his life, instead of seeing I can only be self responsible and make myself stable so I will not suck the life out of others as a way to sustain myself and my ideas and definitions of myself that I have made up to deal with my suppressions due to my self judgements of myself and others, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for a world change that would allow lives of dignity for everyone, where everyone can have enough and access to free education and no life goes wasted in a system of abuse in which I have been a willing and an active participant through direct participation or through my acceptances and allowances of just try to pass another day in a world of fear and hate I wished I had never been born into.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to never have been born as the ultimate abdication of my power and self responsibility for a world I have created through cycles of time and that I now I need to stand up and correct inside and outside, Equal and One, for myself and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself bringing up or about to bring up Memories of L. to abuse myself I stop, Breathe, remind myself L. is gone and no thoughts were ever supportive or can now be of support to him or myself and my participation within and as the polarity of emotions and feelings on this topic is just a form of Self Abuse that I will no longer accept One and Equal to myself

When and as I see myself doubting myself and moving into or about to move into not trusting myself to be able to support someone effectively, which means to not accept from them aything less that I accept of and as of myself on my Walk Back to Life, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I'm not supportive if I support another's Ego of emotions and feelings and beliefs about themselves, instead I offer the tools of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application so they too may break free from the prison of their Minds, and trust that this is enough as each one of us has to walk ourselves out of our own self designed prisons of self and other's judgements.

I commit myself to no longer disregard any crime against Life, be it my own or other, and to expose this world that is an abomination in which I am born as a chance I am giving to myself and others One and Equal to make it right, to straighten what went wrong from the beginning of time, to realign to creation as an act of Life, in which everyone is Equally considered and supported and no one has to die for my for-get-fullness instead of living What is Best for All, for and as my for-giveness, to All as Life, One and Equal.

Further support @:

Failed Relationships

Do you Love Breakups ?

Day 14: On The Emotional Ride of the Interdimensional Interviews

 I have been listening to a lot of the Eqafe interviews, I am up to Anu's 24th, Relationships as Illusions of Control,  and I have started the Soul of Money series.

I have left the Atlanteans behind, I think I am only up to 18th, the Decision of Division,  the reasons is obvious, they are the Losers within our History, so basically my mind has filed them as 'what the fuck do they have to teach ? Look at where we find ourselves now...Hellooo ?"

So, much inequality in my perception of the Past as well, not everyone's message having the same worth, the Losers are Less worthy than the Winners, isn't this interesting, that with every move we make within us as the Mind, we consolidate this Reality of Abuse, where someone has to lose for someone to Win, and we praise the Winner, and leave behind the Loser, simply because the Winner has more chances to survive, the Loser has lost already, the Loser is me, us, what we have become in and as this system of Inequality and Abuse, the me I have tried so hard to leave behind.

Of course as I go through these interviews all sorts of stuff comes up, some of them I perceive as 'reassuring', yeah, we are going to make it, come on, the Mind is just my filing system, it's a support, nothing to Fear, the ones that I found most supportive are by far Anu's after rehab (free interview), a must hear, while others just still scare the living shit out of me, top of this list for now are, The Soul of Money series, I could only do the first one, as everything seems so big, I feel swallowed by the information into a black hole, come one, how are we ever getting out of this, and last night, Anu's Women , that One was scary too, more, was beyond scary, it gave me a sense of nothingness of the ridiculousness of this existence of the guilt and shame we hold on to when we have been mere pawns of an Interdimensional game, then anger, wanting to kick Anu's ass through the galaxies, have him come and live out a few life cycles and try this fucking creation out and see, how enjoyable it was to have our Minds polluted with sex of the kind he designed that led to pornography as an outflow and look how far we took it, and last night I had a moment of rebellion, 'have I accepted and allowed this, WHEN ? I fucking want a date, I want to see my acceptance and allowance of this fuck up, have I signed up somewhere? Did I understand all this when I accepted this Life experience, REALLY ? I want to see the evidence !"

Yet the evidence is all around me as this life experience, the signature is my own existence, I have signed up and sealed in in and with blood, I might not have had the full view or understanding but then why didn't I ask questions then ? don't they tell us to read the fine prints before signing something, it must come from the first of our fuck ups, READ THE FINE PRINTS MAN!

So, last night I experienced Anger AND another thing, a sort of collapse of the sex system (free interview) within me, a crippling of the sex system (free interview), like if whole filing systems were sucked into the black hole of this information and moved into nothingness, at least the ones that were held up by guilt and shame, and a sense of the ridiculousness of the emotion and feelings system, really, we feel emotions and feelings we can't even make sense of, except for digging them out to the original link, a belief, an idea, an opinion, a CULTural system, the realization that I do not in fact exist yet, I am JUST a filing system, and I have to clear out the files to find the engine of all of this, what I have buried underneath all of this, Life, the Life I have used and abused to power this mind show of which I did not even get benefits, as I was designed to be a bee worker into the beeingness of this Human experience, so I put down my design and walk away from it, will get back to listening to the Losers, because guess what, I am just one of them, a Loser, just like everyone else, poor, rich, it doesn't matter, we are all participants in the Game of Energy and so we are Losers from the start, as we left behind Life for a Game  to prove we were More, More than Life, that we could put up a brighter show, a more intense experience using the physical as our power source for our enter-tainment, just to come to this and find Out we left behind everything to turn into the nothing we have become, from which we will have to rewrite ourselves as Worthy of Life, the given we have given up in our separation from All there Is and manifested this Horror Show we now call The Human Experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Interdimensional interview as they go exposing how I, as a piece of creation and of the whole, participated with my acceptances and allowances and direct participation, in the manifestation of the world we now live as and in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the past, my past into winner and losers as I accept and allow competition to exists in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I perceive as too big for me to take on, as the World systems and their exposure in the Eqafe interviews, The Soul of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger toward the design of sex because I have given up my responsibility in accepting and allowing sex to become what it is today through my participation in sex in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce sex from a physical Self Expression to a merry go round of pictures and experiences of the mind that I use to stimulate myself into energy build ups and energy releases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at Anu for this creation because he was the winner and we were the losers, instead of realizing we all lost when we started our separation from Oneness and reduced ourselves to Frightened lackful beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that Anu went through the physical experience to taste a slice of the cake he baked for humanity, while not seeing that Equality means we are Equal and One, in creation and the fuck up of it and I just got to experience the manifested consequences of what I created within another expression of Self, as Anu is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to walk the manifested consequences of this manifestation without seeing that unless I accept the consequences of what is Here, I am not Equal and One to this Creation, as Creation always has consequences, and until I become Equal and One I cannot be effective at changing myself as the whole and the manifested consequences I create from Here forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this discomfort regarding The Soul of Money series because I felt I was behind everyone else and if I wrote this out I would be seen as weaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear being Weaker and others and my own judgement of myself as 'weaker'

When and as I see myself facing fear within the Interviews I am catching up with, I stop, breathe, look at which fears a specific interview has brought to light within me and apply self forgiveness until I stand clear from fear

When and as I see myself as useless after listening to the Grand Design that brought us all Here, I remind myself I was there a the time of creation since all this creation is Self, and I am Self, so I slow down to integrate and reawaken these memories within me as the Creator and not as the abused within the Human Experience Drama

When and as I see myself stuck on a point, I stop, breathe, write it out to apply self forgiveness and release myself from the stuckness and keep walking myself into my Self Correction to manifest Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All as I understand that I am the problem and I must therefore be the solution as well within Self Honesty and Self Responsibility

I commit myself to understand what happened that brought us where we are today and what was my participation in relationships of the mind that built the energetic cage we now found ourselves stuck in and as, so I can unlock the cage doors through my self forgiveness and release myself and others One and Equal as I move to no longer be a threat to myself and other parts of Self, by embracing Self Honesty and Self Responsibility for everything that is Here, One and Equal, that I have created through my acceptances and allowances or my direct participation and STOP this creation so we may rewrite on the empty sheet I become, a world that is Best for All

Day 13: Letting go of "The Rightful Anger"

I have realized that I am responsible for my thoughts emotions and feelings, yet there is one clear point I hold on to, and that is Anger, the One I am entitled to, the "right kind", the One that if I did not have it I would not be 'normal', the One that everyone in their sound mind could see, it was not started by me, I was pushed and shoved to get angry, until I did, and this one is the hardest one to let go for me yet.

A few months ago I renovated the apartment where I live, I 'auditioned' the possible renovators I found on Internet, and chose the cheapest one even though he seemed a bit weird, in a psychotic sense, when he shook my hand his grip was slippery and he would not look at me straight in the face, but he seemed competent in what needed to be done and especially, P. was cheap.

The first 3 weeks were OK, they got on pretty much on schedule, a lot of dust was going everywhere due to the breakage of the bathrooms to dismantle the tiles and the sanitaries; since I was having troubles with my mum I decided to stay Here throughout the renovation and that made me feel like a hero, plus gave me all sorts of credits with my mum, the fact that I had to live here through that crap because she is just crazy and life with her was too abusive to stand and it gave me additional 'rights' on this house.

We gave them an advance, consistent considering the total that was still due, but by week 5 they slowed down and the leading renovator was becoming restless, week 6 went by during which they did almost nothing, but I was aware of what was going on, they felt overworked and underpaid, this has been a pattern of mine, and like him I would just bottle up and one day explode. Yet I did not direct this point by bringing it up and talking about it, I let it slide hoping it would just go away.

This was happening because even though he said at the beginning that he was available and willing to add some things along, for which we were adding the costs to the tab, he felt our advances were too slow, plus, like myself, he was a perfectionist who could not face his own mistakes, and would try to walk away from them before they blew up in his face.

Anyway, week 7 I said to my mum, let's give him another advance, and we did, a substantial one, week 8, the work is not picking up, they were fitting the kitchen lamp and I said "you put it up twisted' and I felt I had just about enough and walked out of the kitchen, this apartment looked like a war zone, I was sick and tired of the dust, had enough of being a hero and wanted to go back to some 'normality'.

This displeasure of mine triggered the follow up events, He felt he could not cope with not being complimented for his specialness and in half an hour dismantled everything, took away some of the stuff we had already bought together and left with his assistant A.

I spent the first 2 hours in a shock, this was deep shit, especially because my mother was involved and I was the one 'on the watch', plus I had no clue how to pick up from there, had no contacts in Italy yet and could not see a solution.

So, I just breathed and told myself, let's suppress all this stuff that is going on since it's evening and I cannot find a solution and I will look into it tomorrow. The same evening I wrote to him to say you must finish this work, yours is a behaviour for the psycho unit, you took the money and the stuff we bought together to finish the work, he replied that he was sorry but that was "the way he was", he insisted he was sorry to have treated me poorly as I was obviously a 'nice woman' and he apologized for that, we wrote to each other for a while, I gave up on the idea that he would come back and finish but could not give up on the anger, I was fucking entitled to it, I sent him links to the mental heath association in Milan and suggested he went there to be checked, then I wanted to put a notice up on Internet that he could not be trusted, but I could not find the way, the will was there, I justified myself that I did not want anyone else to have to go through the same experience, while it was a plain retaliation, an outlet I hoped I could find into which I could channel ALL The Anger I was entitled to.

Meanwhile I found other renovators, they finished all the work in 5 days, some things they could not fix, they told me clearly "lady, the previous renovator, P,  did a few things wrong", they had to re break the walls to fix them, plus at one point they told me that he did things to damage me on purpose, like taking pieces of taps that were half walled up and that are still there with the missing crowns.

I had told the new renovators that the previous one had an accident, as I felt ashamed of telling the Truth that I had been left in that state for no reason by someone I had chosen to do the work, which I had obviously chosen poorly regardless of the sign of 'something not right' just because he was cheaper.

A month ago his assistant A. started looking for me, he is an Egyptian guy, the second renovators were from the Middle East too, my caretaker asked him to leave his phone number, I called him and found out that he was looking for his previous boss, I did not want to talk about what happened in fear of having to dig up this humongous rage I had not dealt with, since I was entitled to it, so first I gave him all the contacts of his previous boss I had and then sent a message to the second renovators to say a guy would contact him for work and that I had told him the second renovator was a good guy and might be able to help out.

I felt damn good about myself, so forgiving, so above and beyond it all.

A few days went by, A. contacted me again, this time to ask for help write an ad, so I did, wrote him an ad in Italian, sent him all the links to the free ad places in Italy, told him to open a new GMail account, I did everything he asked bar placing the ad, which he hinted but I said, NO, you can do that by yourself, it's all manual work now, I have already set it all up, you need to fill in the specifics and PLACE THE ADS.

A week went by, Monday morning he has his new partner call me at 8 am in the morning to ask me to place the ads for them, ALL THE ANGER i had suppressed just came up and I told him 'I have been too nice and kind up to now to not tell your friend to go fuck himself, they left me in deep shit just 4 months ago, I said nothing, I understand that when you work for a psycho for a living you may have to do things you do not agree with, yet all this was NOT enough ?" Then when I put down the phone in utter anger possession, I sat down and sent him a message to say the same things plus I sent him all the pictures of HOW THEY LEFT THIS APARTMENT as a reality check and told him, go and learn Italian if you cannot understand what I wrote you and stop calling me unless it is for Italian classes and basically, go fuck yourself.

Two days later the wall next to my bathroom had a large water leakage :) When I saw it I went into an anxiety attack, images of works to be done yet again flashed through my mind but then other images all connected in a string flashed as well.

In my life, every time I have been unable to contain something, I have flooded a place, I did it a few times in Milan many years ago, twice in Hong Kong in my home, and once in Hong Kong at my ex best friend's place.

Water is my curse, and saviour, because once I do flood a place I can no longer pretend I am fine, the evidence of my suppression is there, this time I didn't flood the wall, I flooded in between walls, same as my suppression, the emotions I have swept under the carpet hoping to never have to deal with them again.

Anger as entitlement is a BIG point, because one thing is to be angry and NOT be 'entitled' to it, one thing is to be ANGRY and be entitled to it, yet none of this is true, whenever I am angry, entitled or not as I perceive it through judgements of my minds, I am just enslaving myself to reaction as polarity enslavement and I am not Here in Breath, in and as Self Expression, but lost in and as the Mind into loopholes of energies which are Not Real. 

So time to STOP and clean up my act with Self Forgiveness 

I forgive my Self  for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for my poor choice for a renovator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take notice of my body's reactions to my first meeting with this man P, because I am still confused about not judging and just seeing a point of practicality beyond judgement that my body is showing me, like the point 'this man is mentally unstable'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my choices based on saving money because I fear spending money as I am not working at the moment and I fear for my future and my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I had not picked P. for the job I would have to face my judgements of his obvious signs of mental instability that were clear from our first meeting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on seeing 'good things' in people that I have already judged as 'bad' in fear of having to look at my own judgements and what I participate in One and Equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and  allowing myself to judge mental problems as bad since my mother showed signs of mental instability and I feared having taken on those traits and feared being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother's mental problem and instabilities as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear having mental problems that would lead to my instability and to my being 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring up a point for which I can see and feel tension so it can be discussed in the open and not lead to bottling up and follow up explosions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when P. left me half way through the renovating job as I felt it was my fault and it is my fault when people walk away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people walk away from me there is something wrong with me and not just see their walking away as their choice, defining themselves and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when people walk away from me and in the specific when P. walked away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others when people walk away from me, because my grandmother used to judge my mother saying 'she couldn't keep a man' which meant it is my responsibility to "keep" people and not their responsibility to stay or their right to leave and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my relationships because I defined myself in and as the success rate of my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when the new renovators came and said 'some things were done on purpose' as I thought if someone damages you on purpose you must have done something wrong because when I wanted to damage others in my life I believed they had done 'something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up the anger I felt for P. because I was 'entitled to it' instead of realizing that I was enslaving myself to a reaction that I kept alive due to my idea of 'entitlement' to an emotion that I defined 'right' for the occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have no right to a place to stay because a right is given by ownership and since this house belongs to my mother, she has the right of ownership to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trade suffering and anguish for a right to live because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger instead of facing it and releasing it through self forgiveness when I had the tools to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others for my and their anger, believing that anger is a form of diminishment and ending up diminishing myself and others in anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes 'people pull you by your hair' into anger, instead of realizing I am ALWAYS the only one responsible for what goes on inside of me and not just sometime but not the times when I judge emotions and feelings as the natural consequences of someone else's actions or words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anger as I feared my mother's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down at my mother when she was having anger outbursts as I have later looked down at myself for my emotion of anger and then suppressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be nice in an attempt to be able to judge myself as 'a good person' when I wanted to tell A. that I had done enough and they would have to do their own posts, instead I did not direct this point 'hoping' he wouldn't push it too far and when he did I allowed myself to feel 'entitled' to my anger because he pushed it too far instead of seeing it was me not addressing the point effectively when it was due

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide anger into acceptable and unacceptable instead of seeing I have just built a back door for myself for when I WANT to participate in and as anger without taking responsibility for my participation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as the energy of anger and for accepting anger one and equal to who I am, while now I see anger is not who I am unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and as anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak or write from the starting point of anger, infecting others while I resisted standing up and taking responsibility for my emotions and clearing myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I suppress anger it will ultimately go away, instead of realizing I made my body a warehouse and a whorehouse for my suppressed anger selling out flesh for the energetic charge I would get through my participation in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with 'Anger' that I fear letting go as I fear letting go of anything familiar, no matter how sick it makes me and how much suffering it brings to myself and others

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into anger I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in emotional patterns of anger as this is not what is best for me and therefore not what is best for All, and I check to see if I am about to make the proposed anger path justifiable through entitlement as I have beaten this path quite consistently, and I tell myself, there is no acceptable or justifiable or any kind of anger I am entitled to as anger is Self Abuse and I am stopping the Self Abuse to stand up for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself looking or about to go through my memory database for points that would make myself entitled to the anger I am planning to participate in, I  stop, breathe, remind myself I have been down that path many times and I know where it leads and I no longer want to move into and as anger, so I breathe myself back Here until I see I have stopped this pattern consistently through self correction in and as the physical.

I commit to no longer give in to anger of any form or kind, but to instead write myself out to unravel the points until no Anger exists within and as me as I no longer want anger for this world one and Equal to me, but Life Here in every moment of Breath for everyone, One and Equal.

Day 12: The Con of Compliments

Today I saw myself react to a 'compliment' about my character, it was subtle yet I could remember having had the same movements in the past as well and dismissing them as 'pleasant anticipation'.

The reason is that while I look for compliments, I fear them as well, because I see that compliments became brick of beliefs that contributed to consolidate my personalities in and as myself as my beLIEfs about 'who I am' specifically because compliments are meant to make us feel good, and since we designed ourselves always looking for that 'high' they are hard to dismiss.

So while I was listening today to my friend talk and I saw the language build up leading to a compliment, I tensed, yet I waited for the treat, to see what was there of good that my friend wanted to say and share about me and who he thinks I am.

I found that I have never really enjoyed compliments, as in every compliment in my life I saw how I had designed that moment and led the person up to it to confirm me as a personality.

While I was choosing the topic to write about in this mainly uneventful day, I saw an invitation in my mail that said "Join us, many Personalities will be there !", I had never before noticed the word 'personalities' in the context I saw it today, which was pretty awful, meaning, we gather together and build relationships for the sole psycothic purpose of building and maintaining personalities we believe in and we may convince others about, the rules of engagement are clear yet unspoken, I will believe in your personality, and support it, and you will believe in mine, and support it.

Just before my breakdown shortly before Desteni I had become aware we were in a personality play, this is a bit complicated to relate in one go and I will expand about it, but one thing made it very clear, the fact that people with multiple personality disorders, had personalities with different allergies, sharing the SAME ONE BODY.

That proves that our diseases are NOT physical, but personality related, mind related as personalities are our mind's creations, and when we switch from one personality to another, we affect our physical at many levels, we basically abuse ourselves as the physical, while we superimpose on it our personalities, and then we move in the world as if this was a stage, missing out the Physical reality we all share, One and Equal.

My personality play had become extensive, we know that we shift continuously between our imaginary accepted and allowed 'roles', we behave differently as a friend, daughter, student, sister, mother, granddaughter, and every shift we make, is a moment we miss Here, where the wholeness of ourselves exists One and Equal with the Physical, but we gave it up, believing we were never good enough to just exist as Self Expression and we made up a whole imaginary world in which we role play ourselves to Death, Literally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build acceptable personalities through which I role play myself to Death, because I feared existing Here as Self Expression in simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's handy to have different personalities to interact with others, instead of realizing that each personality I design is a step further into separation from me Here as Self Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have multiple personalities so everyone will find something to like about me, because I feared not being liked and not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important that others 'like me' because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally so I designed personalities that others may like making myself believe I am accepted by others instead of facing the point that I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT accept myself unconditionally and for not accepting others unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'conditions' must be met to be accepted and for designing personalities that fit such 'conditions' instead of looking at my creation point and Self Correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow conditions that I must fit into to be acceptable, instead of accepting myself unconditionally Here as Self Expression in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' personalities so they would support mine and we could keep going into and as the self delusion of the mind, pretending to support each other while we are just all supporting each others' 'ideas' and personalities of ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a compliment to confirm my personality and to fear a compliment because I can now see it's another brick in support of my personalities delusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tension in anticipation of a compliment that I can see it's coming because I fear I will be pleased and in that moment of feeling good I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the delusion of the Mind of emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'pleased'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not good enough to stand in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than Life as Self Expression through my delusional personalities play out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be somebody' because within and as this desire I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was not enough in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to be more by telling stories about me as a Personality, I stop, breathe, realize that personalities are Not real and I am giving up my Fake Life for Life Here, Equal and One in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into comparison about 'other personalities' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that mine or others personalities are not real, so in support of myself and to others One and Equal I stop formulating compliments to consolidate others' personalities as I stop desiring compliments as a way to validate myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self validation, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only the Ego needs and desires to be validated and that I am stopping my existence in and as Ego for What is Best for All, One and Equal

I commit myself to becoming aware of my personalities plays so that I may take on one point at the time into investigating and  deconstructing myself, until only what is real remains, Life, One and Equal in Self Expression in and as Breath as What is best for All.

Day 10: Dreams as Clues

I have not had a 'feel good' dream for a long time, many years ago when I went to a strange doctress who was a surgeon and an astrologer she wrote a diet for me based on my birthday and place of birth, basically she aligned my nutrition to my preprogramming or DNA, it worked and even my dreams changed, so nutrition has an effect on our mental state, which reminds me I have to become more effective in addressing my diet point to support my body.

The dream I had last night was very vivid, yet as I came out of it because the phone rang, it slipped away a little, here is what I remember, I was on a cruise ship, sort of, going to Naples, I knew when we boarded that the ship could not go where we were supposed to go, which was underground, as it was too big and I knew something was wrong with the ship, it was an illegal ship, some of my friends were on board, at one point the ship stopped and we were asked to go inside a hole underground into a shitty boat into a shitty sea, it was dark and muddy underground, i remember I fell into the water, but not HOW, there was fear but not terror, one of my friend was calling me back to the ship, my ex best friend was in the back, my other friends showing that she was NOT a good friend after all, as they were the one concerned to get me back, while she was concerned but more about herself (this reflects my judgement of her after what happened between us).

I remember puling myself up from this water and sitting on a staircase that was coming out of it, the ship was too far away for me to reach and I did not want to get back into this dirty water, while I was sitting on the steps in the dim light I saw rats everywhere, some floating on the surface dead, and then there was one huge rat just behind my back, we were against each other, touching each other, I felt a movement and turned, a weird thing happened as I knew I was supposed to be afraid and disgusted but I was not, I had touched the big rat and felt the shiny slimy fur like surface of his wet skin, that motivated me to get back into the water and return on board of the ship.

Overall my impression was that I knew I was dreaming, that I knew there were clues to everything I am dismantling of myself, it had to do with fear and the realization of fear being a make belief and probably my desire like Maite wrote, to revert back to a Life of not knowing, the realization that after taking the blue pill everything has changed for good and there is no going back, and for now my Life is not yet working in the present, yet I have nowhere to go back to, the Darkness was everywhere, off the boat, in the water and back on the boat, it was like there was no real choice, to the point that when I went back on instead of feeling safe, I felt defeated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell into resistance instead of keep moving and getting on with what needs to be done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I regret having taken the Blue Pill when I know regret has always been Here for what I have accepted ad allowed myself to become and taking the Blue Pill just made me aware of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Regret is what I fear when in fact I fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Darkness with bad/evil because in this association when I approach the darkness of Me I want to jump off the boat, only to discover that Darkness as Me as who I am is everywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Darkness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that looking inside of me is like looking inside muddy waters when in reality looking inside of me is easy because everything of me is filed and categorized for easy sorting if I just dare to look at it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not know what I have learned because I feel my responsibility now is greater than the one of the ones that do not know and I feel it's unfair because some still get to enjoy their lives and I can't any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I desire the 'enjoyable life' that those that have no clue are living when I know for a fact that no one is having a good time since we share the same operating system of Fear and memories that needs clearing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more than the ones that don't know just because I am jealous of them for not knowing and having 'less' responsibility and so I try to bring them down to diminish them thinking 'they know fuck all'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an ordinary Life without realizing there are no Ordinary lives but in the Movies and even there lately the shocking state of Humanity is creeping through like in 'Requiem for a dream', and what an appropriate title this is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling asleep because it seems I never catch a break, awake or asleep I just have to face myself and my fears

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push vivid dreams onto myself as a wake up call when I could be just a tiny little more patient and give myself clues during the day making the night a fear free zone to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as my friend One and equal as One that doesn't care after All because of the Life I have accepted and lived including spreading the bullshit of Law of Attraction, that said, I only had to worry about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of suppressed Fears, abusing myself as my physical body, never giving myself a chance to breathe and be Here in the simplicity of me as Breath in Self Expression, One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Mind is too vast and the waters are too murky for me to be able to see through the maze, while I am seeing every day more that the Maze is just another idea of myself yet it's the wrong definition within a perfectly organized filing system that offers clues and mirror reflections at every step I take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this existence so much that I don't even want to look at it, to see myself reflected in and as it and where and how I need to stand in and as Self Correction

When and as I see myself going or about to move into a mental frenzy in which I tell myself 'it's too hard, it's too difficult, there is too much stuff to sort out', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am the one that has put away everything within me as the Mind Consciousness System and I have the tools to undo it and undo myself until I can stand clear and stable and rewrite me as what is Best for All

When and as I see myself trying to not go to sleep because I fear dreaming, I remind myself it's just me giving myself clues about points I need to unravel and one point at the time I can do it and walk equally with all the other that are in process like me

When and as I see myself fearing myself I remind myself Fear is not real, and I'm using Fear as a tool to not face myself when I have already discovered that nothing I feared was as big as I feared it would be, so better get on with the facing myself in self honesty, stand up and correct myself and keep walking

I commit myself to stop myself from existing as Fear and to investigate all my fears so I will be able to let them go and start living Here in Breath where Oneness and Equality is waiting to be realized by All, One and Equal.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.