Day 179: I Don't Need Anybody - Character

Follow up to the Blog: The Solitude of Prime Numbers (link at the bottom of page)

When I bring this Character Here, images of my mother and myself as a Child pop up.

Fear Dimension

To be put in a boarding house

Fear of Loss

To no longer 'be liked'

To be a burden

What will I do if I can't stay here

Thought dimension:

Picture (could be a composite)

My mother screaming at me and her face going evil, her hands trembling, her eyes changed while she raised her right hand to hit me, me covering my face while she hit me where I did not protect myself with my hands and the contact of her hand with my face, the physical pain and the physical shame (don't know how to express this because I don't remember this as an emotion but as a physical being ashamed for her to hit me that way)

The Backchat dimension

Why is she saying this?

She doesn't love me

If she loved me she would....

She doesn't care about me

As soon as I can I will leave and never look back

You are Evil and Cruel

I hate you

I don't need you

I don't need anybody

I'll show you

You'll see, one day I will just leave with no notice

Imagination Dimension

Me having Money to be able to leave
Me already grown up and living alone

Emotional Reactions

Emotions of Anger/Rage

Overwhelming Sadness, Pain

Suppression of the sadness and rage so as to not give her 'the satisfaction' of having made me suffer like I perceived she wanted to

Removing myself physically from the event fearing I would not be able to suppress with 'dignity'

Physical Reactions

Stomach tightening
Chest tightening
Feeling constricted in breath
Heat in my face and ears

Consequences

Emotional build up

Toxic relationship build up that as it became heavier I no longer knew how to address

Overactive Mind activity

No trust in others as I didn't trust myself for my extensive back chat against my mother even though on the outside I 'looked normal'

Not wanting to get close to anyone for real because if my mother had a desire to hurt and harm me, what about strangers, how could I ever trust anybody for real?

Fear of relationships and commitments

Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be put in a boarding house and for fearing that I wouldn't be able to get over having to separate from my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of my relationship with my mother and for fearing 'losing my mother'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my mother would stop liking me because I could not compute getting so angry at me and the things she said that I took personally, with going back to 'business as usual afterward'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy and paste this aspect of 'letting hell lose' and then pretending that it was all 'business as usual' because I have not taught myself how to resolve and address conflicts and I feared my emotions and my internal experiences that I did not understand how to manage and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what was done onto me, even if I know it was not done with the intention to hurt and harm but just as an outflow of emotional/energetic build up, because this is what I have done myself as and when I allowed myself to be possessed by energetic builds up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and let go of the steering wheel of myself allowing thoughts, backchats, emotions and feelings to drive me instead of me being the self directive principle of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was a burden, because soon or later anyone gets rid of their burdens which ties in with the fear that they would get rid of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own survival because if things had turned too bad I would have had to leave and I did not know where to go and what to do because I was a kid and I had no access to money or my independence or my right to survive and I feared having my life depending on a woman that was not stable and I did not know what would do next as I had not yet worked out all the triggers, until I did and used them in spitefulness and retaliation and for this I forgive myself

- to be continued

Related articles

• Day 178: The Solitude of Prime Numbers
• Day 119: Addiction to Energy
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 119: Suppression Character
• Day 110: Control and Self Control Character Self Commitment statements continued...
• Day 190: After Death Communications - Part 39
• Day 192: After Death Communications - Part 41
• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF

Day 13: Letting go of "The Rightful Anger"

I have realized that I am responsible for my thoughts emotions and feelings, yet there is one clear point I hold on to, and that is Anger, the One I am entitled to, the "right kind", the One that if I did not have it I would not be 'normal', the One that everyone in their sound mind could see, it was not started by me, I was pushed and shoved to get angry, until I did, and this one is the hardest one to let go for me yet.

A few months ago I renovated the apartment where I live, I 'auditioned' the possible renovators I found on Internet, and chose the cheapest one even though he seemed a bit weird, in a psychotic sense, when he shook my hand his grip was slippery and he would not look at me straight in the face, but he seemed competent in what needed to be done and especially, P. was cheap.

The first 3 weeks were OK, they got on pretty much on schedule, a lot of dust was going everywhere due to the breakage of the bathrooms to dismantle the tiles and the sanitaries; since I was having troubles with my mum I decided to stay Here throughout the renovation and that made me feel like a hero, plus gave me all sorts of credits with my mum, the fact that I had to live here through that crap because she is just crazy and life with her was too abusive to stand and it gave me additional 'rights' on this house.

We gave them an advance, consistent considering the total that was still due, but by week 5 they slowed down and the leading renovator was becoming restless, week 6 went by during which they did almost nothing, but I was aware of what was going on, they felt overworked and underpaid, this has been a pattern of mine, and like him I would just bottle up and one day explode. Yet I did not direct this point by bringing it up and talking about it, I let it slide hoping it would just go away.

This was happening because even though he said at the beginning that he was available and willing to add some things along, for which we were adding the costs to the tab, he felt our advances were too slow, plus, like myself, he was a perfectionist who could not face his own mistakes, and would try to walk away from them before they blew up in his face.

Anyway, week 7 I said to my mum, let's give him another advance, and we did, a substantial one, week 8, the work is not picking up, they were fitting the kitchen lamp and I said "you put it up twisted' and I felt I had just about enough and walked out of the kitchen, this apartment looked like a war zone, I was sick and tired of the dust, had enough of being a hero and wanted to go back to some 'normality'.

This displeasure of mine triggered the follow up events, He felt he could not cope with not being complimented for his specialness and in half an hour dismantled everything, took away some of the stuff we had already bought together and left with his assistant A.

I spent the first 2 hours in a shock, this was deep shit, especially because my mother was involved and I was the one 'on the watch', plus I had no clue how to pick up from there, had no contacts in Italy yet and could not see a solution.

So, I just breathed and told myself, let's suppress all this stuff that is going on since it's evening and I cannot find a solution and I will look into it tomorrow. The same evening I wrote to him to say you must finish this work, yours is a behaviour for the psycho unit, you took the money and the stuff we bought together to finish the work, he replied that he was sorry but that was "the way he was", he insisted he was sorry to have treated me poorly as I was obviously a 'nice woman' and he apologized for that, we wrote to each other for a while, I gave up on the idea that he would come back and finish but could not give up on the anger, I was fucking entitled to it, I sent him links to the mental heath association in Milan and suggested he went there to be checked, then I wanted to put a notice up on Internet that he could not be trusted, but I could not find the way, the will was there, I justified myself that I did not want anyone else to have to go through the same experience, while it was a plain retaliation, an outlet I hoped I could find into which I could channel ALL The Anger I was entitled to.

Meanwhile I found other renovators, they finished all the work in 5 days, some things they could not fix, they told me clearly "lady, the previous renovator, P,  did a few things wrong", they had to re break the walls to fix them, plus at one point they told me that he did things to damage me on purpose, like taking pieces of taps that were half walled up and that are still there with the missing crowns.

I had told the new renovators that the previous one had an accident, as I felt ashamed of telling the Truth that I had been left in that state for no reason by someone I had chosen to do the work, which I had obviously chosen poorly regardless of the sign of 'something not right' just because he was cheaper.

A month ago his assistant A. started looking for me, he is an Egyptian guy, the second renovators were from the Middle East too, my caretaker asked him to leave his phone number, I called him and found out that he was looking for his previous boss, I did not want to talk about what happened in fear of having to dig up this humongous rage I had not dealt with, since I was entitled to it, so first I gave him all the contacts of his previous boss I had and then sent a message to the second renovators to say a guy would contact him for work and that I had told him the second renovator was a good guy and might be able to help out.

I felt damn good about myself, so forgiving, so above and beyond it all.

A few days went by, A. contacted me again, this time to ask for help write an ad, so I did, wrote him an ad in Italian, sent him all the links to the free ad places in Italy, told him to open a new GMail account, I did everything he asked bar placing the ad, which he hinted but I said, NO, you can do that by yourself, it's all manual work now, I have already set it all up, you need to fill in the specifics and PLACE THE ADS.

A week went by, Monday morning he has his new partner call me at 8 am in the morning to ask me to place the ads for them, ALL THE ANGER i had suppressed just came up and I told him 'I have been too nice and kind up to now to not tell your friend to go fuck himself, they left me in deep shit just 4 months ago, I said nothing, I understand that when you work for a psycho for a living you may have to do things you do not agree with, yet all this was NOT enough ?" Then when I put down the phone in utter anger possession, I sat down and sent him a message to say the same things plus I sent him all the pictures of HOW THEY LEFT THIS APARTMENT as a reality check and told him, go and learn Italian if you cannot understand what I wrote you and stop calling me unless it is for Italian classes and basically, go fuck yourself.

Two days later the wall next to my bathroom had a large water leakage :) When I saw it I went into an anxiety attack, images of works to be done yet again flashed through my mind but then other images all connected in a string flashed as well.

In my life, every time I have been unable to contain something, I have flooded a place, I did it a few times in Milan many years ago, twice in Hong Kong in my home, and once in Hong Kong at my ex best friend's place.

Water is my curse, and saviour, because once I do flood a place I can no longer pretend I am fine, the evidence of my suppression is there, this time I didn't flood the wall, I flooded in between walls, same as my suppression, the emotions I have swept under the carpet hoping to never have to deal with them again.

Anger as entitlement is a BIG point, because one thing is to be angry and NOT be 'entitled' to it, one thing is to be ANGRY and be entitled to it, yet none of this is true, whenever I am angry, entitled or not as I perceive it through judgements of my minds, I am just enslaving myself to reaction as polarity enslavement and I am not Here in Breath, in and as Self Expression, but lost in and as the Mind into loopholes of energies which are Not Real. 

So time to STOP and clean up my act with Self Forgiveness 

I forgive my Self  for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for my poor choice for a renovator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take notice of my body's reactions to my first meeting with this man P, because I am still confused about not judging and just seeing a point of practicality beyond judgement that my body is showing me, like the point 'this man is mentally unstable'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my choices based on saving money because I fear spending money as I am not working at the moment and I fear for my future and my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I had not picked P. for the job I would have to face my judgements of his obvious signs of mental instability that were clear from our first meeting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on seeing 'good things' in people that I have already judged as 'bad' in fear of having to look at my own judgements and what I participate in One and Equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and  allowing myself to judge mental problems as bad since my mother showed signs of mental instability and I feared having taken on those traits and feared being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother's mental problem and instabilities as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear having mental problems that would lead to my instability and to my being 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring up a point for which I can see and feel tension so it can be discussed in the open and not lead to bottling up and follow up explosions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when P. left me half way through the renovating job as I felt it was my fault and it is my fault when people walk away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people walk away from me there is something wrong with me and not just see their walking away as their choice, defining themselves and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when people walk away from me and in the specific when P. walked away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others when people walk away from me, because my grandmother used to judge my mother saying 'she couldn't keep a man' which meant it is my responsibility to "keep" people and not their responsibility to stay or their right to leave and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my relationships because I defined myself in and as the success rate of my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when the new renovators came and said 'some things were done on purpose' as I thought if someone damages you on purpose you must have done something wrong because when I wanted to damage others in my life I believed they had done 'something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up the anger I felt for P. because I was 'entitled to it' instead of realizing that I was enslaving myself to a reaction that I kept alive due to my idea of 'entitlement' to an emotion that I defined 'right' for the occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have no right to a place to stay because a right is given by ownership and since this house belongs to my mother, she has the right of ownership to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trade suffering and anguish for a right to live because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger instead of facing it and releasing it through self forgiveness when I had the tools to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others for my and their anger, believing that anger is a form of diminishment and ending up diminishing myself and others in anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes 'people pull you by your hair' into anger, instead of realizing I am ALWAYS the only one responsible for what goes on inside of me and not just sometime but not the times when I judge emotions and feelings as the natural consequences of someone else's actions or words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anger as I feared my mother's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down at my mother when she was having anger outbursts as I have later looked down at myself for my emotion of anger and then suppressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be nice in an attempt to be able to judge myself as 'a good person' when I wanted to tell A. that I had done enough and they would have to do their own posts, instead I did not direct this point 'hoping' he wouldn't push it too far and when he did I allowed myself to feel 'entitled' to my anger because he pushed it too far instead of seeing it was me not addressing the point effectively when it was due

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide anger into acceptable and unacceptable instead of seeing I have just built a back door for myself for when I WANT to participate in and as anger without taking responsibility for my participation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as the energy of anger and for accepting anger one and equal to who I am, while now I see anger is not who I am unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and as anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak or write from the starting point of anger, infecting others while I resisted standing up and taking responsibility for my emotions and clearing myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I suppress anger it will ultimately go away, instead of realizing I made my body a warehouse and a whorehouse for my suppressed anger selling out flesh for the energetic charge I would get through my participation in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with 'Anger' that I fear letting go as I fear letting go of anything familiar, no matter how sick it makes me and how much suffering it brings to myself and others

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into anger I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in emotional patterns of anger as this is not what is best for me and therefore not what is best for All, and I check to see if I am about to make the proposed anger path justifiable through entitlement as I have beaten this path quite consistently, and I tell myself, there is no acceptable or justifiable or any kind of anger I am entitled to as anger is Self Abuse and I am stopping the Self Abuse to stand up for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself looking or about to go through my memory database for points that would make myself entitled to the anger I am planning to participate in, I  stop, breathe, remind myself I have been down that path many times and I know where it leads and I no longer want to move into and as anger, so I breathe myself back Here until I see I have stopped this pattern consistently through self correction in and as the physical.

I commit to no longer give in to anger of any form or kind, but to instead write myself out to unravel the points until no Anger exists within and as me as I no longer want anger for this world one and Equal to me, but Life Here in every moment of Breath for everyone, One and Equal.

Day 4: The need for a Decent Identity

Today and in the past few days I have looked at the point of why I would pick the title 'Director' for myself, the first most obvious reply is that it is work related, this is who I am job wise, and when a few days ago I went for a job interview I gave them my last printed business card, it says so there, I am a Managing Director of a company in Hong Kong. This is who I am.

Of this company up to now I have only paid the administration costs to the Company secretary and that is about it, I have not invoiced or done any business using this company yet. In my last job I was Operations Director, but that was 4 years ago, so as of today it would have been more fitting to write a  jobless journey to Life, but it did not even occur to me  to see myself as jobless, even though I am job-less so this is in fact what I am way more than a Director of a company that has not invoiced anything or the Director that I was 4 years ago, which is not Here and now.

So this point highlights not just mine or our need for an identity, but the need for a decent one, one we don't have to be ashamed of, because being jobless at my age, no matter how and why I came to place myself in this position, is pretty shame-ful, because it means I am no longer System placed within a position of power that may mean even only being able to make a decent living, without having to worry about the future.

I use to think I am not the worrying type, which is easy when you turn good money because worries mainly come from not having access to the Money system and not being able to support oneself into a decent life because the right to live has to be bought today, no one has a right to live unless they have Money to buy themselves the right to live, yet we stubbornly refuse to look at the Money point and why having a decent identity is relevant, as it is with our identity that we move in and as the system and find placements to secure a living for ourselves, get this, to secure a living, and this can only happen through Money, if you don't have Money your living is not secured, it's not assured, it's up for grabs, if you are starving you will have to sell yourself out because you have nothing of value to give, you have no identity to sell out in exchange for some money that will guarantee that you can eat, have a roof over your head and be able to care for yourselves and your family, I am lucky I don't have a family to support because I would not have been able to live the life I led for the simple reasons that I would have been forced to worry about money consistently, continuously, asking myself what choices I had for me to live and self express apart from the non choice of having to work to support my self and make a living for myself and my family.

So Identities are our pass into the Money System, the more valuable identities we have been able to build through education or through experience, the higher our value is on the Money market, this is why I am reticent to let go of my title and my identity, and this is how the system makes sure we keep ourselves separated from each other into make belief identities that we fuel through our fears of not making it and not being able to pay for our Life.

Is it acceptable that Lives have gone on sale ? Personally I think it's not acceptable, but I am new to this perspective, because when the system worked for me and I worked for the system, I looked for ways to justify why Inequality made sense and why I deserved what I had, I stopped there, because even at the height of my delusions I aways felt a sense of disgust for myself when I tried to explain in my mind why others did not deserve a decent life, I tried the Karma story and  the 'we want to try it all out, it's just an illusion' story, but still, every time one of my friend said out loud 'we deserve it' about something good we had, I felt sick with myself, because when I agreed what I meant was, we deserve it..and others don't ?

Do others deserve to be sick and not be able to care for themselves or their children, do others deserve to die of starvation, do others deserve to be raped or sent to war, to have their kids vaccinated in third world countries in a big plan to reduce the population so we can have even MORE than what we have now because the starving take up useful land on which we could build and make a killing in the process ?

Make a killing in the process ?

Do we deserve an identity that highlights we have more rights than another, is our identity a point of Ego, through which we build a fortress against those we should be sharing this planet with ? I dent thy, through my right to be more than you, have a luckier life than yours, have what you can't even dream about because in your denting of 'I', I participated in taking everything from you and left you without the possibility of a Life, in this world that we have built for the survival of the fittest and I dent thy, who have no identity, who are part of a multitude of nameless people in the pictures of the starving that I see as having no relations to me, while I participate in the game of wanting to be more, fearing to be less, leaving some to be nothing at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my identity that is related to my ability to make money and support myself efficiently within the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my identity as a point of making myself more than others while I fear being less than others in relation to my ability to make money in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care that others may suffer when I can make everything work for me and support myself effectively not caring if others cannot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others for fear of being less and having to live through the short end of the stick of this system of abuse of which I am a creator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to endure the short end of the stick of a system of abuse that I keep in place through my fear of letting go of the long end of the stick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for others that don't have access to the Money system as long as I had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect who I am to an identity in fear that if I were identity-less I could not survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear surviving without a decent identity and for being jealous of other identities who have better access to the money system than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be praised for my identity as a proof that I exist and have a pass to access the money system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek my value into and as an identity because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without an identity, meaning a pass into the Money system , I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my worth to the money system and within this supporting a construct that makes me and all others One and Equal, worthless unless we have Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in and as fear of not having access to the Money system,because within this I validate the money system as the Life giver replacing Life as the Life giver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard Life as a Value and Worth we all share in favour of Money because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will die without Money and so Money is more important than Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of me as an identity of separation and self interest because I have not yet walked the correction of returning value to Life from the Money system on which I placed it in fear of survival

When and as I see myself attaching value or about to attach value to my identity above Life, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I am walking to nothingness and this includes leaving behind all delusions of who I have been of any importance as I have realized there is nothing that has importance but Life One and Equal for everybody

When and as I see myself fearing using a working title because I have attached a judgement of myself as a personality of superiority in fear of my inferiority, I stop, breathe , remind myself that it is never about the title we use to work in and as the system but the misplacement of value from Life onto anything outside and separate from me as All as Life that I no longer support and that I can do what I need to do to become efficient in and as the system without attaching any value to what I do while I keep walking my process of self correction

I commit to consider Life and what is best for All above my personal interests of the mind, regardless the resistance that I will have to face in letting go of who I have been within my personalities plays of self interest while I worried and considered only myself and not Self as Life as One and Equal, and to walk this correction for myself and All existence One and Equal until All will be able to live a dignified Life in and as Oneness and Equality

I commit myself to stop my participation in mind tantrums relative to the resistances I have to face as I see and understand that this change will not be an easy fix but a process I will have to walk consistently and this can happen only if I commit to walk despite anything my mind offers as an excuse and reason not to because I see the point that my walking affects others in ways I am not yet able to see and comprehend fully and I won't allow myself to be the point that fails taking with me someone else just because I did not apply myself consistently enough as self directive principle in walking myself out of the mind of polarity and separation, back into neness and Equality for All

Desteni

for free Self support

Equal Money System

To support a practical change that will benefit All Equally

Eqafe

Self perfection tools, recordings and books, to support the Equal Life Foundation