I have been accumulating reactions, and then done what I have done most of my Life, denied them, normalized them and ultimately, suppressed them.
Two that seem linked are related to Heaven's Blogs and the Atlanteans series, yet they are linked in a point that I saw last night after chatting with my Buddy.
Both are outlining my responsibility for Creation, which I don't want to take, because it seems too big and I wasn't even there or can't remember and I don't know if I were an Atlantean, was I ?
Not to mention the Heaven's Blogs, they fly over my head, I can't even keep the sentences together as they are too long, too convoluted, I am up to date with the Essence of the story, but that's about it.
Yet within all these justifications there is one point in common, if I see that All is One and that Existence exists in Each One of Us, One and Equal, what do I need to take on My Responsibility for Creation ?
The Log of my previous Life participation to see what I did in each Life so I can take just My Share of Responsibility and wait for everyone else to take theirs ?
Because it's Unfair that I should 'Blame' myself for it all, which raises another point of how I still criss cross Blame and Responsibility in my Mind, isn't 'responsibility' the politically correct word through which we communicate to each other 'Who's to Blame"?
Is this what this resistance is all about ?
The point that in fact I don't want to be responsible for It All, Equally with everyone else, I want to be Less responsible, not Equally, so I justify myself with the point that I just can't take responsibility for what I cannot remember, yet we are Here, within an existence of Abuse that makes no sense at all, going nowhere, repeating tasks in automated fashions day after day, after day. What is the purpose of such a Life Experience?
Many unanswered questions, which means there is a truckload of shit I do not remember, and last night when I pushed myself to go on with the Series 'The Soul of Money', some things unfolded in a much less fearful way than what I felt when I listen to the first recording of the Series called 'The Infinity Secret', which I had to drag myself through, because I could not bring myself to see Humanity just as that, a bunch of rods and plaques as I fear I won't be able to put the life I am living in any context if I take on board all these information, I fear how will I relate to people, if at all, I fear I will be unable to reconcile the 'get to know a being for who he really is' with those images, of the Horror and what we ended up doing to ourselves within our separation and fear of no longer existing, and wouldn't that have been a better outcome for all ?
So the common thread uniting these three sources of information is Fear, I Fear seeing what went on from the start, fear having to let go of any shred of ideas that there was somewhere at some point in time, some benevolence within us/me, fear that I will exist forever and I won't be able to escape the Truth of Creation and fear of no longer existing as the Mind, because what worth would there be in a Mind that created such things, such lives that we then had to live out as the Manifested Consequence of our own separation from Life as Equality and Oneness.
But I managed, I pushed all those things on the side and went on in absolute suppression, suppression always did wonders for me.
SO I saw myself telling myself, that some reactions are 'normal'. But are they ?
And how can I not take self responsibility for my reactions whatever is the stirring factor, does the point that the Easter Bunny is NOT Real relevant if I react to it ? NO, because it means it is in fact Relevant TO ME, that I hold something linked to the Easter Bunny that will aways make me react, that I will try to push away, that I allow me to trigger me into doing/being/thinking and ultimately reacting again and again, until I STOP.
So, I stop believing that I am Special and that some reactions I am allowed to keep, because they are 'normal', there is nothing 'normal' in what we have become and the system we have created within and without, and that when I react I am in fact enslaved and that when I resist stopping reacting just because this is what I have done all my life and how I have come to identify myself, I remind myself, that when I react I am in fact Not real, Not Here, I am just allowing the Mind Consciousness System to run the show for me as me, while existence struggles and suffers so I can hold on to my right to feel 'normal' in the crazy evil world I want to be apart from and not a part of, instead of standing in Self Correction and Stop the Self Abuse of me as reactions and self manipulation and learn what Life without being puppettered by reactions, emotions and feelings, would be like, and start Living.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Blame and Responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I take responsibility for Existence as a Whole, I am to Blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being Blamed and blaming myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my fear of Self Blame and Blame that I have associated with responsibility and self Responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world in which words have changed their original meaning while I tried to build a complete separate vocabulary from the real meaning of words, using words to manipulate myself and others into reactions as I did with the word 'responsbility = Blame'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and want to be special and be allowed to justify some of my reactions as 'normal' telling myself anyone would have reacted TO THAT, instead of seeing that any justification I use to allow myself to live as a reactive Robot just keeps me embedded into the experience of a reactive Robot
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what applies to the group I am walking with doesn't apply to me, because I am special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish to be special and more than others instead of seeing I fear feeling that I am less than others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to walk the manifested consequences of this existence of which I see no end in sight, and for believing that I won't make it because there is just too much to take on if I consider the existential aspect of existence as well
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do it my way as a way to prove to myself that I'm still 'thinking for myself' instead of seeing that it was the thinking for myself, the individualized experience of life in separation that took us here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it's NOT FAIR that I have to take responsibility for ALL of Existence while the Elite drinks champagne and plays golf, instead of seeing that having a thought that I can justify as 'normal' regarding the Elite and the Unfair situation of this world just shows that I have not been willing to see Me as Existence yet, but that I am still looking for acceptable/socially recognized points of Blame outside of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick and choose among the material we are all equalizing with, because some is more interesting and some is boring according to my own judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge boring the stuff in which my responsibility as existence would be exposed and I would no longer have excuses to Blame it on others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight for my own limitations
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the whole existential thing is too big for me to take on and that I need to walk my individual process instead of seeing the opportunity to walk my process AND the existential process together so as to add capacity to myself through the use of self forgiveness and self corrective application and keep walking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to suppress the emotions I judge as bad because I still blame them on what is happening outside of me as bad and I fear the evil without less than the evil within
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to dig into points until I have NO MORE reactions at all, instead of skimming and hopping through topics that I can see still trigger reactions within me because I tell myself I have exhausted my possibilities to look into a point into which I have looked again and again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the change of me in fear that I don't know in what I will change into, instead of seeing I am re scripting myself so I will change into what I script and walk into correction and there is no mystery or something happening from the outside that will take place, but my consistent application and will to self correct and keep walking
I commit myself to stop my existence of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and to keep correcting myself through Breath, no longer suppressing just because 'this is what I am used to', because anything I was used to is of me as The Mind and I have proved to myself that I as the Mind exist in separation and self interest and self abuse, and it's time to stop and walk out of the Mind into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.