Day 417: Relationship Break Up - Get Up Neo!

I want to share my experience with my latest relationship break up.

There shouldn't be much to report because I am quite seasoned at relationship break ups, I had more of those than your average woman for sure but this is my first relationship break up within process and now I have tools to investigate myself and to stand up to my mind.

It did not seem so for a few weeks, I was aware that I felt relief when he left, I was aware that I never saw us grow old together no matter how hard I tried, I was aware that I had indulged in thoughts that I had not released and that were memory based on my previous experiences and not a good foundation for a sound relationship/agreement.

So as far as a few things I did not have to look too deep, the abnormal thing was why then I was sulking, oh yes, I found two points to beat myself on the head with about what 'he did' but even that should not have been enough for that 'feeling of lack of sense' like he went and took all the sense of my life with him.

My buddy tried everything to get me to stand up but I found many excuses about why I was not required to, I had the excuse of 'mourning' in my mind, a hard to believe one because how can one mourn a man that she felt relief watching leaving? Odd.

I allowed myself to go to the bottom of this, not as in 'investigating it to the core' no, to the bottom, sinking down and down into a black hole that I compounded with the mess outside, looking for more mess, more cruelty, more absurdity out there so I could justify why I didn't have the time to look inside, bigger things than me required my undivided attention, I even considered giving up process - 'what the fuck am I doing?' was a double edged sentence, it applied both to process and to leaving it for good,

My buddy said -push, look, write - but it seemed I did not know where to start.

I started from a dream, in which half of my face was battered black and blue, my right side, I saw it in a mirror while my best friend was there with me - my long lost best friend, someone I have allowed myself to believe that if she were in my life everything would be different - and that is true, I would have her unconditional support to not change, to remain the way I am and allow her to remain the way she is, this is how we bless each other in our 'systemic relationships' as we grant one another the right to fuck up our lives with each other's, unconditional, approval.

Anyway as I started to write again from that dream, at first my writing was convoluted, of course, words were coming out in compounded flows as I worked to free myself, strings that made not as much sense as they seemed to make in my mind took life on paper and then one writing led to another.

The point that came up for me was the point of self hatred, my relationship was the lid I had put on it, I wrote two long blogs about it and kept them between myself and my buddy, again it was sad for me to see how much of myself is still projected outside, to another, to the world systems, to the pedophiles, the elite, those bastards that hold creation in their hand and won't let it go - just like me.

So today I will write out the tail, what is left of this work that I have done to release myself and my ex partner from any blame so that I can stop feeling weird when he comes around and stop justifying why I have a right to feel weird because of what I perceived he did instead of realizing I feel weird about who I am, who I believe he thinks I am and about believing that he left as a way to reject me and say I am no good, when in fact it has been me rejecting myself and wanting to give up on myself,

The white rabbit of the Matrix is the delusion that down the road there is something better, that we can get out of this matrix through someone else leading us out when the truth of the Matter is, The Only Way Out - Is Within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project on my ex partner blame for my experience of myself and for making him responsible for how I felt used and abused instead of seeing and realizing that I have used and abused this relationship as a lid to put on a pot of boiling self hatred hoping to get a ride on his 'love' out of the self hatred I felt for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when my ex partner comes around because I fear that his presence will trigger the point of self hatred inside of me that I have compounded with thoughts like 'see, he left me, he didn't want to be with me, he used me and abused me' thoughts that I now forgive and let go instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I have just used him to access this little treasure of negative energy I held on to within myself and that he is in no way responsible for how I experience myself nor he ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that it's hard to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself no matter what she projects outside and that it was a good decision he made to leave even though he could not put into words why he wanted to remove himself from this situation because he saw himself as part of the problem, as part of my self hatred which was always and only my creation that he had nothing to do with

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when he left he gave me a point of support by stating that he would not accept to live with someone who lives self hatred as herself and that I can be grateful that he allowed me the space and time to go to the bottom of this point and release myself from it without using him as an excuse to why I had a right to keep hating myself no matter what

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear what he may have thought about me, wondering if he could see all that self hatred, assuming he may have been disgusted with me, not seeing realizing and understanding those were outside projections of what was going on inside of me and of what I thought about me and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as self judgement in disgust for myself and what I accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think 'what's the sense in all of this?' about process because I wanted a way out and not have to look at those feelings and the experience of myself as self hatred because it did not seem there was 'a good reason' to hate myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these were old patterns that I have always suppressed throughout my relationships and they just surfaced now again because nothing we participate with ever goes away and I now have the tools to deal with my mind and my suppression one experience of myself at the time

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in denial of the fact that I held feelings of self hatred within and as me because it seemed logical that I would have worked on these feelings at the very beginning of my process since one would want to give up feelings such as 'self hatred' as fast as possible due to their 'negative' charge, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that every source of energy within oneself that has been charged and fed over time will be harder to release because it's the switching off of a potential power plant one realizes will never have the chance to tap into again and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to my self hatred justifying it with thinking that 'at least I hate myself' for this creation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this world is not created through our intention, or prayers or commitments if these do  not become 'who I am' because the world is created by the 1+1 of all the Who I ams of this world and that unless I let go of my self hatred I am contributing to the hatred of this world that gives birth to violence, wars, rape and murder in the futile attempt to resolve outside the self hatred we feel inside

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously justify my 'self hatred' as righteous, as good as I embodied Christ on the cross and the suffering of humankind by hating myself which is no solution to solve the hatred of this world and which is not a way to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that some of my self destructive behaviors were nothing else but self hatred becoming physical and within this I commit myself to stop myself  from existing in and as self hatred for myself and all of existence equal and one

When and as I see myself about to entertain a thought that may trigger feelings of self hatred later down the line, I stop, breathe, remind myself I have walked my self forgiveness and I will no longer accept and allow myself to embody hatred as me

When and as I see myself bringing up past times in which I hated myself, I stop, breathe, see if there are points I have not released myself from and if there are, flag them and get to them in writing as soon as I can to let them go for good

When and as I see myself attempting to, moving to or about to try and use this relationship with this good man to hate myself, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that he gave me all the support I required by walking away and give myself the same support by walking away from the desire to engage this construct ever again

I commit myself to no longer live self hatred one and equal with me, for myself and all of existence equal and one

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Day 266: Anxiety - Byproduct of Expecting the Worse

Anxiety plagued my family.

All of us apparently resolved it in 'their own way' which is of course the same way, just through different means: food, alcohol or pot - or fighting with each other, as a release outlet.

For a few days I did not hear from my mother, this in itself for me is an anxiety trigger because when I was a kid I would be kept deliberately in this 'suspended animated' state to build up anxiety until I apologized either for something I did or for something someone imagined I did.

If I go back to those moments I can still find that specific anger and hatred that I felt as a result of either the confinement and ostracizing or my own admissions of failure to just keep the peace, find the peace in the family again.

So, yesterday I took the excuse of Valentine's day to call my mother and 'check her mood' to see if I was supposed to move into the anxiety state further or if I could release myself from it.

Within this particular relationship I have not deeply resolved the hatred, it's there, I can still blame my mum for holding me prisoner of her moods, when in fact I just feel hatred for myself and for never having stepped out of this self created control as 'the mood of another' in relation to myself or how I imagine it related to myself.

So as I watched myself yesterday I saw how this experience of myself has steps and they are

anxiety

suppression

pretending I am not suppressing it

distracting myself -this in the past would be the moment of smoking pot-

back to anxiety

into my mind to seek solutions to see how I can tackle whatever reason my mother has to hold me accountable for her mood

deliberately not noticing how I hold her accountable for my mood of anxiety

lookig at all sides of the problem through my Imagination to establish what is it that someone will say so I can prepare my defence and not be taken by surprise

build myself up into a state

hatred

self hatred

bigger hatred directed outward because I hate myself and this is someone else doing, why did they start this bullshit at all?

suppression

denial

distraction -now manifested with calling a friend and downplaying the event as 'silly' as me 'above it'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant anxiety when something seems 'wrong' with my mother



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of moments in which I perceived an injustice was done to me that I took personally and not as the symptom of a problem with someone else when I was a kid, for which I accepted the blame and then felt hatred and believed that hatred to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for the hatred I believed I felt for my mother as I blamed her for the experience of anxiety within me, without seeing realizing and understanding that this experience was the sum of my energetic participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions that I believed to be me as I took on my family patterns of how to respond to external prompting and accepted and allowed myself to be triggered onto an emotional roller coaster as it was expected of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to feel bad when my mother went into one of her moods, because when I didn't and laughed about it, the punishment either physical or emotional would be harsher and I feared having to face punishment more than inflicting self harm on myself as a way to show that I understood my wrong doing and that I had to repent through feeling bad, anxious and disconnected from the family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my mother because I interpreted her behavior as cruel and deliberate instead of seeing and realizing she was not in control of herself and she was passing on what she herself had been subjected to within my family that she blamed for her experience of anxiety and of herself, just as I did once I started to grow up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into 'expecting the worse' as a way to be prepared, ready, to know how I was supposed to respond not to be caught by surprise as I experienced 'surprise' as a moment of vulnerability in which it was easier for me to feel destabilized and for developing a desire to always control every possible outcome so I could control how I reacted and perceived myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the anxiety raised, look for ways to suppress it and then deny it because I no longer have what I associated to be 'my anxiety solving tools' such as pot and hence I now fear anxiety even more than before and instead of writing myself out to address this anxiety and my fear of anxiety I have sought new ways to suppress it and belittle it by talking to a friend in an attempt to deny and diminish the experience I am living as myself and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse and all possible outcomes in terms of words, tracing back every word I spoke, everything I did that could justify a possible attack from another for which I must ready myself,as a consequence of believing that, since those things happened in my family, they will happen always, everywhere and I must be ready at all time, ending up living in a constant fight or flight response mode

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the topic of anxiety for me is too big to address and to allow myself to stop writing and get distracted by something else, instead of pushing through what is it that I experience in detail, so I can see how this way of living has become me, how my chest is always constricted, how I always hold my breath unless I come back to the physical and I don't want to live this way anymore and for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of anxiety as who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone experiences anxiety just because it was the trademark of my family and I saw my mother on medications for it, instead of seeing and realizing that while behavioral information are passed on from generation to generation, I had to accept and allow myself to believe that this was who I am to activate the whole program of anxiety as who I am and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anxiety is who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive myself escalating into anxiety due to a standstill with my mother, to move into blame and rage, believing it's all her fault 'if I turned out this way' because if she was not so fucked up I wouldn't be either, instead of seeing and realizing that it is in this blame that I give up my power to change, because if it is her fault, then there is nothing 'I' Can do while if it is my response -ability I can change, no matter what programming was passed on to me I can decide to no longer subject myself to it through breathing and consistently bringing myself back here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was nothing I could do and for fearing that what my mother was as an anxiety machine I was destined to become and for the fear I lived believing there was no escape for me from madness and instability, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was my duty as a 'loving daughter' to worry about my mother's moods, as she did about her mother's moods, always weighting words for their potential of disapproval, instead of seeing and realizing that this was part of the preprogramming families inprint on their children to make sure they will follow in their footsteps, using Love as the propeller that justifies abuse and designs how children will handle and deal with the abuse to make the family always right, never questioned so we learn how to then step into the system with the same defied attitude and just accept everything as 'the way things are''

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never change this point of anxiety, because it is just the way things are, it is who I am, failing to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself 'just the way I am' is the same acceptance of this system just the way it is, which is in fact unacceptable and so is accepting to live a life of anxiety as a way to always expect the worse and for living always expecting the worse and preparing for 'imaginary battles', I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself starting to constrict in the chest, to stop and breathe, check where is my anxiety and how did I activate it and then walk backward out of it breath by breath

I commit myself to investigate this point of anxiety until I no longer live anxiety one and equal to me, as I consistently do not accept anxiety as who I am a the way things are

I commit myself to not fear letting go of anxiety as if I was losing something just because I lives AS anxiety most of my life and instead breathe myself back to life, one breathe at the time until I am consistently here, stable in and as breath

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