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This is a follow up to my Post of Day 274 - Scare tactics are Not Acceptable
The first reason why I want to change this point about me is because I see that when I step into this Character, I am not Here, I am not present, I busy myself with digging out the weaknesses of others to make my attacks more effective, for the results I am aiming for, which is to manipulate them to do what I want, even if I justify this point as 'I did it for their own good', because in fact when I push to move someone into Fear, no good can come of that, as they will be just Fearful and unable to Hear a potential solution that I could speak as myself, simply sharing honestly how I overcame a specific point, if I did, and if I didn't just keep my mouth shut because I have nothing of value to share that I have lived through and not just made up an opinion or an idea about.
So, taking up the points from my previous blog
Fear Dimension
'We wanted to talk to you' or 'I wanted to talk to you', spoken either by my mother
or my grandparents, this was usually anticipating a long convoluted
chat, during which I would be indoctrinated in what I was supposed to
Fear, usually fears would relate to Future events, to consequences of me NOT doing what they "saw" was best for me, those words spoken in a specific 'calming' fashion would scare me shitless.
First
because since they had been 'so nice', in theory, there was no reason
for me to fear what they were about to say when in fact at some level I
knew I was about to sit for a Mind Control session against my will,
second because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not
in charge of my emotional experience and hence I had to sit and be
battered by emotions and feelings as they saw fit to stir, until I would
surrender in the grips of an anxiety attack.
My
grandparents parading for me the worst possible future outcomes for my
life and then saying 'we are saying this for your own good, trust us'
A memory of preparing to sit on the couch for 'one of our talks', fearing the talk, fearing not pleasing them because they were the strongest Money point in my family line, fearing to lose everything of my future if I didn't make myself endure 'that moment' with enough grace
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I want to talk to you about something' to Fear in anticipation of what will be said that might trigger me into some personality/characters, instead of taking self responsibility for who I am in every moment of breath without moving into anticipating possible outcomes so I can set up a possible defense line, which means I expect to be attacked/harmed
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear people who I gave up my power to having conversations with me because I fear how I could experience myself as a result of our interaction, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, I am in charge of my experience and I can decide if I jump into or not whatever is offered for my participation
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear sitting through conversations that I have made up an opinion about. anticipating an attempt to manipulate me or to make me responsible for someone else's feelings and emotions, instead of seeing and realizing I am the only one that can manipulate myself into a specific experience of feelings and/or emotions
Thought/Memory Dimension
The
aftermath of my mother shouting and screaming coming to seek peace and
harmony by saying 'please see I say this for your own good'
A memory of myself back in my room angry
and anxious and my mother calmed down walking in to explain WHY she
behaved that way and how she always had 'my good' at heart, I must
remember this
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother for trying to patch things up after she blew a fuse using the sentence 'please see that I am saying/doing this for your own good'
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my family based on memories of events in which I perceived I had been manipulated into specific feelings and emotions instead of realizing it was always me giving in to creating an emotional experience out of thoughts I accepted and allowed within me, as me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of myself angry at my mother for good reasons, because I blamed her for how I experienced myself after she blew a fuse instead of realizing it was nothing personal and that taking her outbursts personally was my deliberate decision so I could blame her and I would not have to be responsible for the way I experienced myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my family based on memories of events in which I perceived I had been manipulated into specific feelings and emotions instead of realizing it was always me giving in to creating an emotional experience out of thoughts I accepted and allowed within me, as me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of myself angry at my mother for good reasons, because I blamed her for how I experienced myself after she blew a fuse instead of realizing it was nothing personal and that taking her outbursts personally was my deliberate decision so I could blame her and I would not have to be responsible for the way I experienced myself
Imagination Dimension
One day I will go away from Italy and I won't have to sit through this crap anymore.
Imagining
how free I would feel away from Italy, all the things I could do
without this constant brainwashing about fake morality of people who
preached well and did not apply it
Imagining
how soon the chat will end, skipping to the end and what I should say
to pretend I was in agreement so they would leave me alone
Imagining not feeling this way anymore when I would be finally freed from the control of my family
Imagining
that I would not have to worry about any of those things because my
grandparents would die and I would inherit enough to live as they kept
telling me -so- why are we even talking about my future.
My future is guaranteed, I have nothing to worry about
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine that one day I would go away from Italy, making Italy the origin of my problems and of my experience of myself, diverting on a country my own responsibility, victimizing myself to the point of seeing the solution to myself only away from here, which led to the consequence of resenting coming back here as I saw, realized and understood, I was back to where I left and I would have to deal with the experience of me AND the blame for this country which was never in fact responsible for how I perceived myself as a loser in a world where I did not have access to the 'Best Lives' available but had to make do with the left overs
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see all my problems solved once I would leave Italy as I believed I could leave behind the fake morality I was taught just by going away instead of seeing and realizing I had become the fake morality I accepted and allowed myself to be imprinted with and that I would have to correct myself to free myself no matter where I lived
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself, when in conversation with my family, to imagine in my mind when it would be over, blaming them for how I was experiencing myself as powerless and with no choice having to sit through the brainwashing, instead of seeing and realizing I sat willingly through the brainwashing hoping to secure the loot for my future so I could trade fears, trading the one to be brainwashed for the one about my future, which was bigger, which I perceived as unsorted and uncertain and out of my power to direct
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see all my problems solved once I would leave Italy as I believed I could leave behind the fake morality I was taught just by going away instead of seeing and realizing I had become the fake morality I accepted and allowed myself to be imprinted with and that I would have to correct myself to free myself no matter where I lived
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself, when in conversation with my family, to imagine in my mind when it would be over, blaming them for how I was experiencing myself as powerless and with no choice having to sit through the brainwashing, instead of seeing and realizing I sat willingly through the brainwashing hoping to secure the loot for my future so I could trade fears, trading the one to be brainwashed for the one about my future, which was bigger, which I perceived as unsorted and uncertain and out of my power to direct
Internal conversations, backchats, voices in the head
Do I have to sit through this crap AGAIN?
What do I have to say to make you stop?
They are doing it for my own good
They know what is best for me
They don't know what is best for me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to voices in my head as if they were me, powering them with emotions and feelings with regards to my family, convincing myself that I believed in their good intentions in the hope to stay in their good books and have my future assured, when in fact I did not believe anything they said
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in my mind in a spiteful commentary, so I could make myself powerful and not acknowledge how powerless I felt for having to sit through useless conversation with my family just as an investment in my future
Reaction Dimensions
Feeling of Impotence - I have to sit through this
Feeling of being cheated into sitting nicely for brainwashing, Anger
Fearing the talk
Anger
at myself for saying I did understand why they were doing that for 'my
own good', when in fact I couldn't understand how would anyone scare
people for their own good - how does that work?
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to conversations with my family in which FEAR played a major role, with a sense of powerlessness, of being brainwashed, of anger, when in fact I was deliberately reacting to cover up my fear of being manipulated placing on others the burden of my experience as I didn't want to take responsibility for myself and how I experienced myself at all times, because I didn't have the tools to do so
Behavior Dimensions
Tightening of the chest
Stomach cramps
Grinding of teeth
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create Physical consequences for myself such as tightening of the chest, stomach cramps, grinding of teeth and for stressing and harming my physical body while participating in and as the Mind I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was acceptable for me to do unto others what was done to me as manipulating through FEAR, because I decided that it was effective, I decided that I had in fact effectively been manipulated through Fear and that the outcome of me was not my responsibility but my family's, and for blaming my family and making them responsible for who I am today, I forgive myself
Looking at How did I replicate this Character for myself and when and how do I activate it to manipulate others
Scaring my partners that I will leave them as a consequence of Their behavior/potential behaviour
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my partners telling them/hinting to them, implying that I would leave unless they complied to what I wanted which I saw as due to me and their responsibility so I could feel good about myself instead of making it my responsibility to take care of myself at all levels
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, even when I saw how distressing this was to my ex husband the first time I told him I was leaving and he locked himself in the bathroom and cried his eyes out, to not stop myself, to not change and stop making others scared to make them do what I wanted them to do to please some of my characters and personalities, and for the shame that I feel about this point as I write, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my partners telling them/hinting to them, implying that I would leave unless they complied to what I wanted which I saw as due to me and their responsibility so I could feel good about myself instead of making it my responsibility to take care of myself at all levels
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, even when I saw how distressing this was to my ex husband the first time I told him I was leaving and he locked himself in the bathroom and cried his eyes out, to not stop myself, to not change and stop making others scared to make them do what I wanted them to do to please some of my characters and personalities, and for the shame that I feel about this point as I write, I forgive myself
Scaring children
I was looking after to make them do what I wanted - told myself this
was cool because I did not use the very scary thing some of my family
used to scare me with (FOXES) , hence I was better than my family
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare children that were entrusted to me, either physically or verbally to make them do what I wanted them to do instead of taking the time to talk common sensically to them as equals and find together what would be best for all, and for not teaching the children I have come in touch with how to come to common agreements as Equals, but exerting my authority just because I could, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare children that were entrusted to me, either physically or verbally to make them do what I wanted them to do instead of taking the time to talk common sensically to them as equals and find together what would be best for all, and for not teaching the children I have come in touch with how to come to common agreements as Equals, but exerting my authority just because I could, I forgive myself
Scaring friends by projecting for them a future they would not like so they would do what I saw was best for them now
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my friends regarding a possible, potential future of Doom and Gloom, so I could feel important about myself as a mind reader, psychic, someone in the Know, and for justifying myself regarding scaring my friends with stories about how I did it for them when in fact I did it for me, to feel more and find extra value for myself, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare my friends regarding a possible, potential future of Doom and Gloom, so I could feel important about myself as a mind reader, psychic, someone in the Know, and for justifying myself regarding scaring my friends with stories about how I did it for them when in fact I did it for me, to feel more and find extra value for myself, I forgive myself
Scaring someone I don't know by saying I will call the police as a consequence of their behavior
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare someone I don't know in person by threatening them to call 'the police' or any other authority figure, to make sure they would step back in line, and for using and supporting the same tactics the system is using with all of us in the face of how disempowered I accepted and allowed them to make me feel, and for attempting to disempower another so I could feel better about myself, I forgive myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scare someone I don't know in person by threatening them to call 'the police' or any other authority figure, to make sure they would step back in line, and for using and supporting the same tactics the system is using with all of us in the face of how disempowered I accepted and allowed them to make me feel, and for attempting to disempower another so I could feel better about myself, I forgive myself
Writing scary letters exposing all the "nasty truth" about someone so they will come to their senses for their own good
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to write scary letters to people I know, pointing out all their faults, all their wrong doings in an attempt to make them fear-full and of diminishing them so I could feel more and better about myself, and for filing faults for future use in one of my scary tactics attacks I forgive myself
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire to scare another for whatever reason, to stop, breathe, see what I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared about that triggered me to move into this character, do not accept myself to step into my old behavior and breathe through the fear until its energy dissipates
I commit myself to no longer scare others to make myself feel safer, better, more powerful, less frightened and to walk myself consistently through breath and corrective application out of this Character, to stand as a point of giving as I would like to receive, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.
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