Day 266: Anxiety - Byproduct of Expecting the Worse

Anxiety plagued my family.

All of us apparently resolved it in 'their own way' which is of course the same way, just through different means: food, alcohol or pot - or fighting with each other, as a release outlet.

For a few days I did not hear from my mother, this in itself for me is an anxiety trigger because when I was a kid I would be kept deliberately in this 'suspended animated' state to build up anxiety until I apologized either for something I did or for something someone imagined I did.

If I go back to those moments I can still find that specific anger and hatred that I felt as a result of either the confinement and ostracizing or my own admissions of failure to just keep the peace, find the peace in the family again.

So, yesterday I took the excuse of Valentine's day to call my mother and 'check her mood' to see if I was supposed to move into the anxiety state further or if I could release myself from it.

Within this particular relationship I have not deeply resolved the hatred, it's there, I can still blame my mum for holding me prisoner of her moods, when in fact I just feel hatred for myself and for never having stepped out of this self created control as 'the mood of another' in relation to myself or how I imagine it related to myself.

So as I watched myself yesterday I saw how this experience of myself has steps and they are

anxiety

suppression

pretending I am not suppressing it

distracting myself -this in the past would be the moment of smoking pot-

back to anxiety

into my mind to seek solutions to see how I can tackle whatever reason my mother has to hold me accountable for her mood

deliberately not noticing how I hold her accountable for my mood of anxiety

lookig at all sides of the problem through my Imagination to establish what is it that someone will say so I can prepare my defence and not be taken by surprise

build myself up into a state

hatred

self hatred

bigger hatred directed outward because I hate myself and this is someone else doing, why did they start this bullshit at all?

suppression

denial

distraction -now manifested with calling a friend and downplaying the event as 'silly' as me 'above it'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of constant anxiety when something seems 'wrong' with my mother



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of moments in which I perceived an injustice was done to me that I took personally and not as the symptom of a problem with someone else when I was a kid, for which I accepted the blame and then felt hatred and believed that hatred to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for the hatred I believed I felt for my mother as I blamed her for the experience of anxiety within me, without seeing realizing and understanding that this experience was the sum of my energetic participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions that I believed to be me as I took on my family patterns of how to respond to external prompting and accepted and allowed myself to be triggered onto an emotional roller coaster as it was expected of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to feel bad when my mother went into one of her moods, because when I didn't and laughed about it, the punishment either physical or emotional would be harsher and I feared having to face punishment more than inflicting self harm on myself as a way to show that I understood my wrong doing and that I had to repent through feeling bad, anxious and disconnected from the family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my mother because I interpreted her behavior as cruel and deliberate instead of seeing and realizing she was not in control of herself and she was passing on what she herself had been subjected to within my family that she blamed for her experience of anxiety and of herself, just as I did once I started to grow up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move into 'expecting the worse' as a way to be prepared, ready, to know how I was supposed to respond not to be caught by surprise as I experienced 'surprise' as a moment of vulnerability in which it was easier for me to feel destabilized and for developing a desire to always control every possible outcome so I could control how I reacted and perceived myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the anxiety raised, look for ways to suppress it and then deny it because I no longer have what I associated to be 'my anxiety solving tools' such as pot and hence I now fear anxiety even more than before and instead of writing myself out to address this anxiety and my fear of anxiety I have sought new ways to suppress it and belittle it by talking to a friend in an attempt to deny and diminish the experience I am living as myself and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine the worse and all possible outcomes in terms of words, tracing back every word I spoke, everything I did that could justify a possible attack from another for which I must ready myself,as a consequence of believing that, since those things happened in my family, they will happen always, everywhere and I must be ready at all time, ending up living in a constant fight or flight response mode

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the topic of anxiety for me is too big to address and to allow myself to stop writing and get distracted by something else, instead of pushing through what is it that I experience in detail, so I can see how this way of living has become me, how my chest is always constricted, how I always hold my breath unless I come back to the physical and I don't want to live this way anymore and for accepting and allowing myself to live a life of anxiety as who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe everyone experiences anxiety just because it was the trademark of my family and I saw my mother on medications for it, instead of seeing and realizing that while behavioral information are passed on from generation to generation, I had to accept and allow myself to believe that this was who I am to activate the whole program of anxiety as who I am and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anxiety is who I am, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I perceive myself escalating into anxiety due to a standstill with my mother, to move into blame and rage, believing it's all her fault 'if I turned out this way' because if she was not so fucked up I wouldn't be either, instead of seeing and realizing that it is in this blame that I give up my power to change, because if it is her fault, then there is nothing 'I' Can do while if it is my response -ability I can change, no matter what programming was passed on to me I can decide to no longer subject myself to it through breathing and consistently bringing myself back here

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was nothing I could do and for fearing that what my mother was as an anxiety machine I was destined to become and for the fear I lived believing there was no escape for me from madness and instability, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was my duty as a 'loving daughter' to worry about my mother's moods, as she did about her mother's moods, always weighting words for their potential of disapproval, instead of seeing and realizing that this was part of the preprogramming families inprint on their children to make sure they will follow in their footsteps, using Love as the propeller that justifies abuse and designs how children will handle and deal with the abuse to make the family always right, never questioned so we learn how to then step into the system with the same defied attitude and just accept everything as 'the way things are''

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could never change this point of anxiety, because it is just the way things are, it is who I am, failing to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself 'just the way I am' is the same acceptance of this system just the way it is, which is in fact unacceptable and so is accepting to live a life of anxiety as a way to always expect the worse and for living always expecting the worse and preparing for 'imaginary battles', I forgive myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself starting to constrict in the chest, to stop and breathe, check where is my anxiety and how did I activate it and then walk backward out of it breath by breath

I commit myself to investigate this point of anxiety until I no longer live anxiety one and equal to me, as I consistently do not accept anxiety as who I am a the way things are

I commit myself to not fear letting go of anxiety as if I was losing something just because I lives AS anxiety most of my life and instead breathe myself back to life, one breathe at the time until I am consistently here, stable in and as breath

Related articles

• Day 256: The Experience of Others -My Responsibility?
• Day 259: Families, the System Bodyguards
• Unconditional Giving and Receiving or a Control System? (Part 2) - Day 270

Day 250: Fearing Diminishment through Family Disapproval

Following on my Blog 'From MentaLot to Camelot - Humanity Schizophrenia'.

I had a few incidents lately showing me how much I still care for the approval of my family, in the specific of just my mother, not because I have overcome the other members' approval, just because they are now all dead and so no longer in a position 'to disapprove of me'.

Family Disapproval/Approval is one way in which we keep each other locked into roles, in itself telling another 'I disapprove of You' just because they are not acting out their part within the given guidelines would be hilarious if it were not a way of having everyone around basically align or re-align to one's desire for their own image/part/role playing.

In the case of parents this is mainly to show what a good parent they have been by raising the kind of child everyone would have wanted and not the kind of child for which one parent fears to get the 'pitiful look' from other parents - that look mixed with gloating for being the best parents in the secret 'parents contest', the ones who managed to subjugate their offspring best, more efficiently, having successfully locked them into their preprogrammed track and living to see and make sure that they will stay there forever. Being a parent nowadays is just being Architects of Control, designing structures and limitations for one's children through one's I'm-agination and then trying them on for a fit, when they don't fit, just squeeze the children into it, they'll either go mad or cave in, try, we have proven so far a very high "success" rate.

The first time I was told 'I disapprove of you' I don't remember having a reaction, basically I didn't understand what that implied. My mother always wanted to be a better mother than the one she had -don't they all? don't we all?-, so she made up elaborate ways to deliver the same  she got but in a more liberal way, instead of telling me I was out of line or mocking me with irony, as my grandmother did, she would 'disapprove of me'.

She had to disapprove of me a few times before I got the point that I was supposed to 'feel bad' when she did, that would mean 'I got the message' because no daughter worthy of this name can 'feel good' when she has her mother's disapproval, she could not and neither would I.

I found out lately how much I dislike writing about my mother even though I have done a lot of it, there is always a recurring feeling of betrayal when I do, and this is why as well I deliberately don't dissect some of our conversations to expose the Money point in all its glory, I don't want to see my mother that way, when I do the point of Love goes out of the window and if I question my mother's love for me I am left with no Love at all in my life, can I live love-less?

So, let's walk the self forgiveness regarding the 'Disapproval' point to see how it unfolds.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I dislike writing about my mother to analyze my relationship to her in self honesty because I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a 'traitor' as someone breaking a bond of trust, a circle of trust, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is how families keep it 'all together' by having their members swearing to secrecy for all the crap that goes on inside them, so we make sure we can never face the point that our dysfunctional world starts at home and through that revert back to all we have been taught to change the origin of ourselves so we may self correct and change the outcome of ourselves to return into alignment to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when first hearing the 'I disapprove of you' from my mother and not being able to contextualize what it meant and hence to miss out on the prompting 'feel bad', move into dismay as I 'waited for instructions' as I was clear I was supposed to be 'doing something' but not what, and for realizing I was supposed to 'feel bad' and then obey and move into 'feeling bad' as a response to disapproval setting the stage for my 'fear of disapproval', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, after realizing that 'I do not approve of you' was a prompting for me to feel bad, to experience fear of disapproval in the anticipation of how I was asked to respond to it, and for accepting myself to live one and equal to the fear of disapproval of my mother and the desire for her approval, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be approved by my mother hoping that I would no longer have to experience the negativity of disapproval and within this for abdicating the responsibility of how I felt about myself/ experienced myself to the prompting of others, to external triggers however declared or implicit, just because I accepted and allowed myself to do so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I participate in good feelings when I am approved by my mother and as I seek the 'good feeling' as the approval of my mother, to not see realize and understand, that unless I give up 'the pleasure of being approved' I cannot let go of the negativity and negative  emotions surrounding my experience of being disapproved, because they exist within polarity and I can't have the good experience for myself without having the bad experience of myself as disapproved, and for fearing to no longer have access to the good feeling of approval as a badge of my 'right behavior', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when telling stories to my mother, always change them to make sure they would fall under her seal of approval so I would not have to experience the disapproval and the negative feeling of diminishment of myself that I connected to 'being disapproved of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my fear of disapproval so much that I created a personality from it, which was the "free spirit free thinker devil may care", when in fact I did care and worried constantly about my mother's approval, having used my mother as the policeman in my head against which I measured every moment of my life to see if it was acceptable/approvable, or how I could change it through storytelling to make it so, to avoid the experience of myself as diminished through my mother's disapproval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions that I expected my mother would approve of, not because that was in any way relevant to me as a point of self expression, but because I feared not being approved by her, being dismissed as 'rejected/unacceptable' as I equated my behavior to who I really am and took personally her approval/disapproval of my behavior as the point that would measure the validity/ok-ness of my life experience and of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering that I may move abroad again, to run through my mind 'HOW' I will tell my mother in a way she will approve of so I won't have to push against the disapproval and the negative feeling I used to experience when faced with my mother's disapproval of me/my choices for my life, instead of letting go both the desire for her approval and the fear of her disapproval for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when sharing about Desteni, to pick and choose what is share-able as in what will give me her approval and not create conflict, which could be common sense, but it's a common sense I have invalidated by disempowering my starting point of fear of disapproval, which stands in the way of really seeing what I can share while maintaining stable relationships in my outside world vs what I share as a way to seek approval/acceptance to validate myself and my existence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval and my mother's 'negative' comments about my Life and my choices and what I could have done better/differently according to her, to create a chatterbox personality that I embody just so I won't have to share anything that is relevant to myself and my life for real for the purpose of both entertaining her and keeping her off subject that I perceive as unsharable as in topics that would then expose me to her approval and disapproval for which I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a Pavlovian response for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval, design a Chatterbox personality with which I can entertain my mother on subjects/topics of no importance/relevance, so that I won't have to expose topics that I care about and face the fear of her disapproval and the negative experience I have associated to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about my mother into the nitty gritty of our relationship, because I fear exposing the truth of our relationship as 'the most important relationship of my life' because if I did dig into it then I would have to face how the 'family love' is nothing but manipulation through issues that are money related, and it has to be because if it were not we couldn't explain the money system outside as ruthless and unforgiving if we had not started this system within as our FamiLies, where Fear was covered with Love and Money was never mentioned if not as a reminder of 'all the good that was done for me' as an IOU, making the family the foundation of the Debt system, making sure we wouldn't break free because we are indebted, born indebted, raised indebted, and for accepting my Life as an IOU and for then issuing other UOM (You Owe me) to others as a result, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about who I will vote for this Political elections and my mother said 'she disapproved of my vote' to feel bad and diminished as if my decision was not 'sound' because was Not aligned to her approval and for then moving to suppress this diminishment through backchat as in 'you don't know shit, you deserve this government, you have your head stuck up your ass' as an attempt to diminish her so I could feel better about myself by bringing her down to the level where I accepted and allowed to drag myself through 'her disapproval of me' and for accepting my backchat about others in moments when I feel diminished instead of flagging the point and breathing through it to address it in writing to self correct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's disapproval can diminish me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that only I can diminish myself by believing that I am the feeling/emotions and thoughts I participate in as an automated response, instead of no longer accepting my participation in emotional constructs I have played out just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe it's easier to go on autopilot than to self direct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the process of making a decision to check if that decision stands within my mother's potential approval, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was never seeking her approval per se, if not as a positive energy experience but the escape from the disapproval I connected to a negative experience of myself, and for connecting other people's disapproval of me to a negative experience and for taking it personally, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the approval of others to a 'positive energy experience' in which I feel validated and OK, and for seeking this validation of myself outside of myself, externally, in separation from myself, instead of standing in and as the validation of myself in unconditional self acceptance as I walk my process of self correction, I forgive myself

 

When and as I see myself seeking the approval of my mother or any other by how I am wording a sentence, preparing to tell a story, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I will have to breathe through my fear of disapproval to correct myself until I no longer experience a reaction to other people's disapproval of me and I can stand stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of being disapproved as I anticipate how I will experience myself negatively, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical to no longer accept fear of disapproval or desire for approval to move me instead of me directing myself

I commit myself to investigate the point of desire for approval and fear of disapproval until I no longer react or take it personally, to realign myself to what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One 

Related articles

• Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money
• Day 243: Stopping the Fami-Lies Inside
• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• Day 249: From MentaLot to Camelot - Schizophrenic Humanity