I have just read one of the amazing blogs in the Creation's Journey to Life series titled
I am dealing with a behavioural pattern relative to relationships, this time I kinda saw the pattern coming and I knew where it would take me because I have ridden this pattern many times before, the dead end is when I finally manage to harm another, at that moment I snap out. Way too late.
Did I stop myself before this time? NO, because I am used to the ride, because this is what I have defined Life and myself as, a series of unavoidable disasters for which I have braced throughout my life hoping that I would survive the impact when it would come, and at times, hoping that I wouldn't.
Yesterday my mum came to visit me and talked about a pattern she is becoming aware of and we tried together to unravel it, the pattern was about being punishing, I asked if she could walk herself back to when it started and she said that she had memories of her grandma telling her to go away when she would ask for her forgiveness and of her mother one year purposely not calling for her birthday as a punishment, she said 'grandma was very punishing, you know' and I do, I just managed to stay out of her punishing streak way better than my mother by not doing or saying what she would do and say. Suppression starts at home, so does multiple personality disorder we all suffer from and the paranoia that arises from the stress of being in 'Character', always managing the chorus of voices in the head that are demanding, judging, scaring the living beejesus out of all those that listen.
What I found interesting in this chat is that my mum had more memories of when it was done to her than of when she did it herself, for example with me, because I myself recall a birthday in which she told me she had found something she was sure I would have liked at the market but didn't buy it because she didn't feel like it, since I didn't deserve it. Those were my teenage years, when the flames of rebellion burnt high and mighty and parents felt the need to increase the crushing to make sure nothing was left of value of their children, just because they were raised in the same -appalling- way and never questioned the 'patterns' they themselves repeated.
SO, I myself took on board the same punishing personality, it manifests for me especially inside MEAN-ing-FULL relationships, where for some reason I believe anything goes and I should be forgiven everything I do or die trying, no matter the amount of harm I elicit to inflict.
Yes, because this was the point of the above Blog, how we in fact use a pattern to repeat ourselves and our mistakes and call them a 'habit of behavior' which is the outflow of a habit of thought which was generated by a memory that we accepted and allowed ourselves to live in our flesh and go on to clone, seeking closure, seeking ways to self affirm its right to exist and live as us until it solidifies into a whole personality network with thoughts and feelings of its own and then we are left as the spectators of lives we no longer can control, as the plethora of characters we created take over for the day, for the week, for a lifetime that goes while we are never Here participating and making the choices that would Matter, those that would depart us from what we have taken on board by dysfunctional people who themselves took it on through dysfunctional exchanges by other dysfunctional people and yet we come to believe that we are the minority, we sit in fear while we as our Minds have a field day in the front lines, a bit like what we do with the monetary/world system, where the 99% claims they can't find a solution to the problem of the world because the 1% is holding the wheel and there is nothing we can do. Hellooo?
One of my friend wrote about a kafkian character, a jailer, who used to carve the sins of the inmates on their flesh, so aren't we all kafkian jailers, aren't we the ones carving ours and other miss-takes into our flesh and then go and live them out, over and over, until we automate them and THEN we can finally say we have lost the response-ability to Change when in fact as in any operating system, it's just about rewriting the script we have lived by, meticulously and specifically, just as much as we did when we specified our reasons for why we were entitled and allowed to keep doing what we did and why we could not stop, when in fact we could.
This is a lesson I have learnt from my mum as she is eager to know everything and more about Desteni, pushing me to get organized for my trip to SA -get the passport, what are you waiting for, you are resisting this trip- and told me that she always followed me for solutions -hence get your ass to SA, lady!-, which brought on a truckload of guilt as my solution was to live ostrich like with my head well buried in the sand while I preached the doctrine of love and light and now I have not shared what I am learning in full because it's all too overwhelming at times and I am still finding my own footing in this new realizations of what we are and what we have done and the need, the burden to have to fix it all.
So, I told my mum the other day, 'imagine that we are an operating system', I usually choke on this words, the fall from what I believed to be to the realization of being possibly less than an operating system so far seems just too much to bear at times, I preferred it so much more when I believed I was divine, in the image and likeness of god and yes, that would make god as good of a psycopath as myself, but we were working on forgetting our sins together, both myself and God, until Desteni came around to say that nothing goes away until we realize how we did it and correct it into a solution, hard to believe in a world where we could delude ourselves about the point that there are no consequences we have to bear if we have enough money to escape them, isn't this the point of Money after all, the guarantee that if we pile up enough we can shift our responsibility onto others, we can 'buy' our way out of anything and so busy we became with that that we missed out on seeing that consequences don't go away, they are here to stay until we address them into a solution that works for all. Kansas just went bye bye.
My mum said 'wow, this is comforting', it's good to know we are just an operating system, then all the guilt and crap we can let it go and rewrite the script' - where were you woman when I struggled so much with this idea? Where all solutions have always been, right in front of our face, it's the fear of the consequences that prevents us from accessing solutions and I still have plenty, the fear of looking at what I did as a faulty operating system, I could have operated for what is best for all but I did not, it's not too late though because I breathe and I am here, I am the potential of a Life, can I rewrite myself into a fully functional living being? That is to be seen, but there would not be any other better test than have to design oneself into a part of the whole that considers the whole and self at the same time at all times, that would have been what a Creator of Life would have designed, are we Creators of Life or Supporters of Death?
We'll have to Live to answer this for ourselves, the stage is set, the props are in place, now the Author comes in, we have the Authority, the Authorship, we get the royalties for what we write, they are called con-sequences, can we keep conning ourselves into sequences of behavior of which we know the ending or shall we stop, get off this The-Mented ride, dust ourselves off and sit back at the drawing table, we didn't do well so far, the proof is in the pudding, in the world we live in, what we Authored and Authorized is not worthy of Creators of Life, let's redo it from scratch, we can do way better than this and so We Shall.
Continuining tomorrow to unravel how I created a life of Paranoia in relationships that I then went and called a Pattern, to justify why I was allowed to keep repeating it because I am not Alive yet but just A Lie seeking to justify the harm and abuse I participated in and no longer want to exist in and as.