Day 95: Me as Arrogance - Childhood

Vocabulary definition

1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.

2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others

When I was a kid I lived in the government housing with my mum AND I had 'rich grandparents'. Since I was the only granddaugher from every side of the family I was considered 'special' by all the grandparents, at one point in my life I had 7 grandparents, 4 of which were divorced and remarried on my grandma's side, one grandmother on my father's side, plus another 2 from my mum's new partner.

All of them gave me money as money was The Point for all of them to get back at my mum in one way or another and they only asked that I would keep it a secret, which was perfectly fine with me, so I would not have to explain or justify how I spent it.

I mainly spent it on candies,  had daily sugar binges by the age of 5, which is as well when I started to have weight issues that were downplayed by my grandmother, the one who was the biggest influence in my life, who herself had balooned up to fat size and then went down in a yoyo fashion that marked my family relationship with food.

Some other money I would spend on stickers, when I was a kid we had stickers books and we would buy the stickers in envelopes of 5 and then use them like money, we would trade the doubles for the missing ones until we filled all the books. I collected water tatoos as well, I did not use them, I had tried but I found out that holding a stash of them, priding myself to have some of the best in anyone's collections in the courtyard, gave me a sense of power.

Due to my different access to Money than the other kids of the courtyard I got to feel superior to them as they always tried to be in my 'graces' so to speak, so they could share in the things I was able to buy with my secret money.

This special status gave me the power of the High Court as well within the court yard, I would sit and listen to disputes and give my wise opinion on who was wrong and who was right, some issues seemed pretty clear cut, some issues were not and then I would lean toward my closest friends and bestow the favourable judgement onto them.

This made me feel powerful and above the other kids.

My mum was much into 'justice' in a very self righteous way that I have copied and played out and that forced me to create many Characters as I always had to have an excuse, a reason for why I did what I did, when I moved out of the self imposed 'righteousness lines', and keep 'face' as an impartial Law Enforcer.

My mum always sided with the poor and derelict, when I was about 5 we went for a visit within the free health system and saw a doctor abusing an old lady, she stepped in, a fight erupted and then she shouted 'Ele get the doctor, bite him' and I went on my fours and bit him on the leg. This memory is not clear in my mind as a picture, it is clear as a story that I heard told with pride many times as to say me and my mum made a good team, we were the 'abusers busters', we would get them soon or later, it was OUR mission.

This is an important point because it shaped the way I became arrogant, since the route to abuse the weak  and get away with it, in terms of negative emotions and self judgements, was closed for me, I turned my arrogance on the bigger fishes, this did not mean that I had given up feeling more than the weak ones, of course I did, I just suppressed it because I had understood that that point was not rewarded in my family, while taking on the 'big guys' was, so I developed a particularly arrogant/defiant  stance everytime I was faced with Authority or authority figures and I got to feel superior to both, the weak, on whom I did not play out my arrogance since it would have been like shooting on the red cross, and the big guys, for which I had received not only authorization but I had been knighted into that position by the approval of my family.

Anoher memory that was a standing story in my family is of when I was a kid and we went to the circus, they introduced the tigers, one came very close to us while I sat in the front row with my grandparents, there was the cage all around the circus platform and I stood up on the chair, held out my hand and said 'move backward tiger'. This story was another point of superiority of my childhood, I was the Tiger Tamer Protector of the weak and derelicts, while I got away with feeling above everyone else who had never Tamed a Tiger or stood up to the 'big guys'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a schizophrenic personality in which, since I felt inferior to my classmates of my private school due to 'where we lived', which was a sign of not belonging to 'wealth', every day when I returned from school, I would go back among the 'less fortunate ' -like me- and play the more fortunate than them, thanks to the secret money I had in my pocket for which no account had to be given and could be spent freely on my wishes and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thorn between the Poor Daughter Character and the Rich Granddaughter Character, having already put value on Money above everything else, as the Value Tool of this world, and wanting to be part of the Haves and not of the Have Nots, seeking for my own Value outside and in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel important and more valuable than others because, due to my secret Money position, I had the power to decide who was right and wrong within the courtyard and to favour my friends in my wise judgements, just like the grown ups with Money did, thanks to the Money in their pockets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over other kids in my courtyard because I accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered at School and I believed I had to make up for it somehow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that collecting things that others desired and coveted and having loads more than them, gave me value above them, instead of seeing and realizing I was becoming the proud little Slave of the Consumerist society I was born into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against I. when she introduced herself in my home while we were out, and stole half of my water tattoos, the most beautiful ones according to my personal preferences, and for scratching my head for days about where had they gone, how did I lose them until she told me she had come in and taken them and I felt betrayed, instead of seeing that it was me making the things I owned so special and myself so special that other kids wanted a share in my own 'power' and that I was the one not willing to give and share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud when I pleased my mother by attacking the 'evil abusive doctor' by biting him on the leg and for feeling humiliated when she wouldn't stop telling the story because not everybody reacted with her same pride and I started to think I had done something wrong/shameful, behaving like my mother's dog and I couldn't take it back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a special Tiger Tamer because I stood up on the chair at the Circus and told the Tiger to back off, and since my grandparents kept telling the story to underline how brave and special I was I ended up believing it, wanting to believe it, and felt proud and superior to all the Non Tiger Tamers around me, which was about everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I was arrogant as a child as well and that I was not special, but I wanted to be special so I could place myself above others and Stop feeling inferior because I lived in the government housing, while the kids at my school lived at nice private apartment complexes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a double Life of Inferiority and Superiority since I was a kid, Hoping to feel better about myself by putting other kids down, showing them who was boss and who held the till, which meant Power, and for not seeing or realizing that I was driven by the fear of not being Good Enough for the private Catholic school where my mum sent me with great financial sacrifices so I would be off the streets in the afternoon, while I felt the strain of the Comparison with other kids' Wealth and felt underprivileged about going there and having to face the Comparison within me every day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play this point against the kids in my courtyard, underlining and rubbing in their faces that I was privileged because I was going to private schooling while all of them had to suck it up at the public schooling system, as another point of superiority that I could hold on to, to make myself feel better and to balance out my perception of being underprivileged by Wealth comparison to my classmates

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that My Secret Money made me special, that Money had the value to make or break a life and that I was lucky to have access to Money and not have to fend for myself like the other kids in my courtyard, who were willing to do anything, including sucking up to me, to share in my Money and get an ice cream which gave me the utimate power over them to make or break their day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep the Money I was given secret, because my mum would ask me to be accountable for it, or ask me to save it, or ask me to share it, and I did not want to do any of these things because this Money was my entry ticket to heaven and to power over others and I was not willing to give it up for her stupid moralistic stances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mother because she would not get me an ice cream unless she had the money to get one to all the kids who were playing with me, and I found this humiliating because she should have kept ME in mind and not the other kids, who had their own parents, which was one of the reason why I did not tell her I had access to small fortunes monthly so I could spend it on me and my selfish desires and not share with other kids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I disliked my mum because of the way I felt when she insisted about sharing and I knew I was keeping everything to myself in secret, and her wanting for me to be equal to the other kids angered me because I had to give up my being special and my perceived power over them and within this i forgive myself for believing I was angry at my mum while all the time I was just angry with me for my selfishness and desire to NOT share and be Equal to the other kids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mum when at Christmas she would make me give away some of my toys and regardless of my cleverly thought out tactics to NOT give them up, such as saying "I can't choose honestly, I love them all', she would then ask my friends to my home and have them choose among my presents what They Liked, and since I had said I could not choose, I had given up my right to say 'NOT THAT ONE' and I would have to sit seething while they took my favourite ones while I had to pretend that I had understood why we were doing that, while I didn't because I wanted to keep them all to myself since they had been given to ME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my selfish desires to have it all, above sharing Equally with others which is what is happening in the world today within the Money System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mum when I perceived she was pushing and then forcing me to be generous and share against my will, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself because I could of course see the common sense of sharing with other kids as I could not anyway play with 10 dolls, I just didn't want to, and I did not want to feel bad about it either as I feared to be judged/ judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch as a kid and for blaming my mum for my own self judgement of myself as a selfish heartless bitch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself throughout my life to pretend that I did not feel superior to the poor and derelicts, having imprinted inside of me the point that it was in fact NOT socially acceptable or rewarded in any way, and for using the 'big guys' as authority figures as an outlet for my arrogance that I could not display to the poor and derelicts, while I lived a life of superiority in fear of my own accepted and allowed inferiority, due to not having been born wealthy and having seen realized and understood at an early age, what Money can do for you, and for then having suppressed the Money Point so I would not have to face my desire for it as a Tool that opens up choices and gives one the Freedom to Live

I commit myself to let go of the memories of my childhood and the moments in which I have participated in the inferiority and superiority games, as I see, realize and understand that we were preprogrammed to play these games and then we went into self programming as I engaged the superiority/inferiority construct fearing to be inferior to other kids that had more than me

I commit myself to stop my participation in and as the Arrogance System, in which I look for points to make myself feel more than others, resulting from fears and memories of moments in which, within the same picture situation, I felt inferior to others

I commit myself to investigate this Arrogance Character that led me to isolation and separation because I perceived and wanted to believe that no one was never good enough for me, while in self honesty I see that I was the one fearing to not be good enough for anyone

I commit myself to stop my existence as Not Good Enough that leads to my desire to prove that I am Good Enough and then I add a load to prove that I am in fact MORE than good enough because I am More and Better than others so I do not have to fear feeling less and Not Good Enough

I commit myself to flag the point of Authority Figures as I have seen that this is where I engage this Character and with 'Suppliers' as I believe the Money gives me the right to demand, and when not deliverd to be arrogant pointing out that I am not 'a happy customer' but a disappointed one, so they get to feel bad because I did not get to feel good having been treated as special with special rights deserving special respect

I commit myself to let go the idea that I have to seek value for myself within the Money System, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a Child that there was Value in Money and things and not in me, instead when I see myself about to participate in the Money Value system, I remind myself that I was programmed to view reality through the Money System or the game of this world could not be played if all of us woke up to our own Self Value as Life Here in every moment of Breath, and stopped our existence of separation as the illusion that we are not in fact One Here, as we have to wake up so we can fix the mess that this world has become

I commit myself to stand for and as Life and do my part in and as the Money System, to stop the Value Game so that we may Equalize everything, bringing all the misplaced Values back to Self, for myself as What is best for All and Existence Equal and One.

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

Day 18: Underdogs and Mind Possessions

I was born in a working family, my father left home when I was 3, he said he would go and buy cigarettes and never came back. I have no memories of him leaving us, except the justifications I had to make at the Catholic school where I quite early took a stand for my mum when I perceived they looked down at me, and therefore us, for not having a father. When I was 6 she met another man, a gambler, she believed she was worth led because she came with a daughter and so asked him to only contribute to the household for the food costs, she told herself that it was because she did not want him to interfere with my education but I can dissect her patterns being mine as well and these were the real reasons, 

first, she feared of asking too much, like Equality in the relationships, where both partners share an Equal financial burden because her value was diminished by having been 'the woman of another man before', the nuns told me that love (meaning sex) is like a lemon and every time you squeeze it there is less and less juice to give. This is actually an underlying belief in our culture, I have heard many men, even friends, say, "I don't like second hand goods:, so my mum was a second hand woman in her own eyes and worth less than a first hand.

Second, she wanted to feel fair and just, by taking the burden of me on herself since I was a burden and the result of a mistake in judgement, and not inflict this on others who were innocent of the crime of poor judgement and inability to keep a man.

Third, he was handsome, intelligent and educated, someone she wanted to keep and so she would twist and turn to keep this one and not have him leave like the first one.

Fourth, having a man again contributed to her sense of worth, as a woman with a man is worth more than a woman without a man, as the one without a man must have something wrong with her or she would have a man, pretty faultless cultural logic.

When L. joined my family we lived in a government housing, that was vacated when my grandmother moved upper class, in a new apartment that she bought with her second husband.

The apartment was small, overlooking the church, I had my own room and my mum slept in the dining room where there was a sleeping couch that would come down at nighttime.

We overlooked the church football field, another trick of the church to get the kids to actually attend indoctrination, tit for tat, you'll learn about Jesus and the Wrath of God and we let you play football.

Within the government housing we were the most well off family, plus my mum could play the piano, which had been part of the enforced education of my grandmother who was born poor but ambitious and wished to give to my mother the education of the rich people, because it's the education that gave women who were not born rich, more chances to get the good party everyone is after, so on with the elitist required education of piano playing. As a result of the enforcement my mum played but did not enjoy it until later in life, when we lived in this apartment I remember her playing the piano many times on Sundays or when I was taking a bath, I enjoyed that, not the music particularly, but the piano playing as a sign of wealth, or the perceived wealth in a housing estate where every evening people would be heard screaming and threatening each other at dinner time. Music in my home was a sign of education and superiority.

From there we moved to another government housing estate closed by, when we arrived there, with the piano, we became the stars of the estate, 4 of the 8 boys in the courtyard would be flirting with me at all times, each in their own disturbed way, to get my attentions, as I was the new comer and all the excitement of the ones that had lived there for long had already evaporated.

The most common ways that showed a boy had an interest in you went from calling you names and making fun of you in front of others (this was a dead giveaway) to threatening you physically. One of the boys in the courtyard would hit me at any chance he had, my mum never intervened as she believed everyone has to learn to fence for themselves in this life, she stepped in only when he once hit me in the face. I remember walking to his mum's home with my mum, and my mum showed his mum my face as the line she was drawing, to which she replied 'you know, he does this because he REALLY likes her', my mum said she did not care and the next time he would touch me in any way she would report him to the police.

AT 12 my breast started to grow, they nicknamed me 'Dairy Farm', I felt very offended by these comments and tried to hide my growing breast in any possible way, until it stopped growing, I stopped at a B cup I guess out of the fear of what I would have to hear if I grew breasts beyond the C cup. My best girlfriend in the courtyard had an E cup on a much smaller frame than mine, she ended up walking curved trying to not show her breasts, which was impossible, the jokes about her cannot be repeated, she lived as the shame of breast most of her life and ended up with back problems considering a breast reduction she never got around to, due to the cost of the elective surgery.

Puberty was just hell.

When I had my period the first time, my mother called my relatives to inform them, it was an event (?), I was the only daughter and granddaughter and it seemed this was an information that marked something, a right of passage, from a child to a Miss, I could not yet understand what was supposed to change for me within this point if not my now ability to procreate, which put the fear of God in me as I was told I now had  to be 'more careful' but not HOW I was supposed to be more careful in detail.

I remember a pair of white doll shoes from my first communion that I wore for a few years after, unil they fit, my pictures of that time showed me not being comfortable with myself or my body, I grew very tall very fast in a country of short people and I disliked being taller than boys as all the pictures of perfect couples or famous lovers showed the man was taller and bigger, instead I wore a size 9 of shoes and my hands and fingers were longer than most of  the men I compared them with. I did not like to be big, I would have liked to be small and petite in frame to not be standing out as I was by the age of 13, my mum often told me the fairy tale of the ugly duckling that was in truth a Swan, I waited to become that Swan and to feel like that Swan, I waited for my self worth to kick in based on images and expectations of how I shoud turn out being born out of 2 tall good looking people. The Swan feeling never came true.

In the second apartment where we had moved, there was an extra room, we exchanged with an old couple that no longer wished to walk up the 4 flights of stairs and got our smaller apartment on the first floor, we were further away from the Church, we could still hear the bells but they were no long the oppressive time marking presence in our face they were in our first apartment.

The area were we lived was poor, I lived a schizofrenic life in more than one way within this rough neighborhood, day time I went to the nuns private school, they taught us about being good and nice to our parents and all the good crap, when I got out of school I faced the rough neighborhood in which I feared to even go out of the courtyard, which was a cement square with a green patch at the centre, few trees and the altar to mother Mary with little lights that would be turned on in the evening.

We were not allowed to step on the grass, we could sit on the cement border of the grassy square within a square but not walk on it or touch the trees (2) or the altar of Mother Mary.

All the apartments had a balcony that looked into the courtyard, so at any given time, some of our parents would be there looking down at us and what we were doing.

Outside of this courtyard there was the real world, not the nuns or my mother's Pollyanna imaginary place, but the world of survivors, my mum had her bike stolen over 20 times, she would just go and buy another used one at the market where they sold the stolen bikes, she did not even get too angry about it, except maybe a couple of times on 20 bikes, she saw the Inequality of this world and counted stealing as what some just have to do to live and some, on the luckier end of the Spectrum, just had to endure, it could be worse, we could be the one having to steal to survive.

My mum did not like to live, she found the world a place of too much suffering, she did not have the comfort of religion because as a separated woman living in sin with another man, it had been made clear to her that she was not in the position to take the Holy Communion and she stopped going to Church. She did not push me to go too much either, even though parents in Italy had given to the Church the authority to teach  Good from Evil and hoped the church would carry more credibility than they did themselves and be more succesful in this endevour. My mum thought she could teach me good and evil herself and pretty much reduced it to Jesus's teaching to "not do to another what you don't want done to you". This was on the good days of the teachings, on the days she was Possessed and came up with paranoid stories about what I had done wrong or intended to do while pretending to do something else, all fabrications of her own mind that upset her greatly, Jesus was overlooked in favour of her need to offload all the frustrations of her life. This is why as well possibly she hated me so much when I said I no longer wanted to live with her, as that moment marked the manifested consequences of our relationships of violence and abuse, and once we are faced with consequences we are no longer able to overlook how we have participated in a relationship, I know because this is how I felt when my husband no longer wanted me back, manifested consequences just suck yet they are the only way, it seems, we can come to terms with our participation in and as this system of abuse and stop.

I feared my neighbourhood extensively, people were getting shot regularly, beaten to the point of having to go to the hospital, domestic violence toward children and spouses was the order of the day and we did not have the priviledge to live in a community like my grandmother's, with glass gates and a lift that took each one in their own apartments were abuses happened secretly, no, our lives were the lives of a courtyard, everyone knew everything of everyone else, so The Family Abuses went with the shame of knowing that everyone knew, that things could not be kept hidden, when there were fights in my home, my mum used to say "Ush, or people will think we don't get along.." this used to turn into a comical moment for me, a moment in which I would laugh wholeheartedly and increase the beatings as my mum felt mocked and it was NOT the right moment, but to me it just seemed too funny to pass, meaning there had been screaming and crying and shouting but it was only when she was coming out of a moment of possession that she would think and worry about 'what others would think', because did it matter others thought we were not getting along ? Didn't it matter that we were in fact NOT getting along ? Does the thinking of others about our lives make it more real, the knowing of others of what we do not want them to know, does it make things more real, do we fear exposure to others or to ourselves, in fear that if others know, the games are up, there is nothing that can be hidden anymore, we are fucked into having to face reality for what it is and has become, a mess we need to stop and self correct because it is what We think that is killing us, what others think is killing them, so each one of us has to do the stopping of their own participation in and as the Mind of Thoughts , Emotions and Feelings and Energy games to rewrite ourselves and the World One and Equal into What is Best for All.

Will continue on my neighbourhood tomorrow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for not having a father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than others who had a father because having a father was a requirement for being worthy and I believed I was not worthy or my father would not have left me/us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless because my father left us/me, instead of seeing I felt worthless in separation from myself Here in Breath, as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a burden because my mum told me I was an unexpected pregnancy and that when she believed she was pregnant again she vowed her diamond to the Virgin Mary asking to be graced and NOT have another child, as I was more  than enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad thinking "I was not wanted by my mum and I am worth less than all the other wanted children in the world"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worth less than the 'wanted children of the world' and for wishing to have ben wanted as a way to perceive a worth I believed I did not have, having separated myself from Breath Here and myself as Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of where I grew up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than the people in our Government Housing and for priding myself that my mum could play the piano as a way to define myself as more than the others living in the same place who did not have mothers who could play the piano

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that women with children are worth less than women  without children when looking for a relationship, because they are second hand women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there can be second hand women or second hand citizens instead of seeing All as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sex/relationships is like a lemon that the more is squeezed the less is left of love to give because within this belief I associated love and sex and I associated women who had multiple men with desert zone that had been squeezed out of any juice and had nothing left to give

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman with a man is worth more than a woman without a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a separated/divorced woman is worth less than a woman who has not separated or divorced because the one that did not, shows she was able to 'keep a man'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that "keeping a man: is a sign of worth and that women who kept a man are more worthy than women who did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to live somewhere else that was more 'respectable' because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that respect is something that comes from my living situation meaning that the ones that have poor living conditions do not deserve the same respect as the one living in rich conditions and within this I failed to see there is only Self respect and the rest is a delusion of and as separation from me Here in Self Honesty as Self Respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was receiving a superior education, in terms of cost of my private schooling, I was worth more than the kids who did not receive a private education

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more worthy than the kids of my courtyard because I feared having to face the same poverty and the same choices they made in order to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the friends from my private schooling to my home and showing them the neighbourhood in which I lived

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for not providing better living conditions for us even though I could see she worked like a dog and did everything possible to make our home nice and comfortable and that the problem lied within this system of Inequality I had accepted and allowed as' the way things are'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for projecting my Anger onto my mum for our living conditions, which I saw as unfit for us, instead of seeing those living conditions were  unfit for everyone and it was not about desiring to make something out of myself to escape the misery I had walked on the side, but to stand up for a World that is Best for All so that noone should have to live and experience themselves in such conditions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as the Shame of my Relationship with my mum that did not match the stories of happy families the nuns were telling us, even though I could see that noone was having those imaginary happy families lives and so I should have seen the lie of this whole system of abuse instead of trying to replicate imaginary standards of relationships later in life to prove to myself my worth and that I could infact fit into the ideal human being image of myself I was told I should shoot for, the perfect consumer within a world where only what you own and have access to through Money, defines you

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others people thought and how they judged me when my mother would scream at me, because I believed they would think I was worthless or my mother would not be shouting and screaming but she would be quietly loving and accepting me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a secret life of dis-order to hide what was going on inside of me because it seemed I was the only one (apart from my mum) unable to cope and for desiring to take others down with me by making nasty comments about them in my secret mind or to others to prove that they too had a shitty life they were hiding and noone was in fact better than me, to stop myself from feeling worse than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as family dramas believing those dramas to be me and who I really am and for accepting and allowing myself to carry the Memories on in time as a justification of my limitations and why I turned out the way I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mum for what went on inside of me instead of standing up and taking self responsibility to change myself and stopping myself from existing as a Mind Consciousness System instead of existing as Life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself because of my desires to be more, that I compared to my mother's quiet acceptance of her condition, because I saw myself as ambitious and saw my mother as generous in her acceptance of her placement within the world systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that wanting a better living condition is bad because I should have accepted my system placement instead I see wanting better living condition is what everyone should want and stand up for, for everyone One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ditch some of my boyfriends because they coud not guarantee to me that they shared my same drive to get out of misery because like my mum they had accepted their world placement and were just trying to make it work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to look out for myself because I accepted and allowed what I learnt in my neighbourhhood, that you cannot trust anyone and unless you take your education where it's worth something you'll end up the underdog of the underdogs due to your education that they see as a threath to their living conditions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear educated people as a threath to my living ability because if they knew more than me in a world where you either have money or education, then my survival was not assured

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some deserve an education because they are bright and some do not, instead of seeing that it is our environment that shapes our ability to learn and that we need an environment of support for everyone so our learning ability will no longer be impaired by our living conditions or our fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust anyone because I did not trust myself that I could stand up and do the right thing as What is Best for All, having become aware that everything I do is always motivated by self interest and my fear of survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that relationships between men and women are based either on mocking or shoving each other around with words or through violence  because this was the model I grew up with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the nickname 'Dairy farm' as if I had done something 'wrong' by growing breast as that meant entering The Sexual Arena with men and being expected to start a further separation to prevent accidents like undesired pregnancies

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'periods' are something to celebrate as our ability to give birth to some one else that ends trapped into this system of abuse, because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to see the value of pro-creation without investigating who and what are we pro-creating for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pregnancy and pregnant women as they were the statement that sex happened and they fucked up and I had a physical revulsion for them until I was in my late 30s

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear children because I have never believed in their innocence due to my recalling my childhood and my own manipulations and deceptions to get what I wanted so I feared manifesting for children the same disgust I felt for myself as a child for having given in to the required behavious and programmed reactions instead of living in and as Breath Here in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my childhood and myself as a child not giving myself the benefit of the doubt that I may infact be preprogrammed to behave and think in a certain way and that I could correct myself if I could find the tools to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself as a child because of the hatred that I felt for myself for my own betrayal of Self as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not embrace myself unconditionaly as a child and for blaming my mum for not doing for me what I was not willing to do for myself, I now walk to embrace myself unconditionally as a child and as an adult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mum was less worthy than other mums who only had one husband, just because she believed it and I took on her beliefs about herself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a whore because my mum called me so instead of seeing she believed this about herself and projected it on me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer because my mum was not well and I struggled with all the stuff that was going on in our home, until I hated myself for what I put up with in terms of my participation in the patterns of suffering and self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum who hoped and tried to keep our troubles secret when I also always wanted to keep my troubles and the truth about myself secret so I would not have to fear the judgement of others, which was always only my own judgement of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement and for judging myself and others one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to fit into a model of beauty and acceptability that I believed and married into about how I was supposed to look, what size of breasts I should have and when, and that my period had to be celebrated, even though all these were nothing but signs and symptoms of an enslavement I was giving into willingly, in fear of not fitting in and not being able to be accepted and liked and be able to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the underdogs movies, because this is how I saw my life and I rooted for the ones who made it out of the shithole we are born into, instead of seeing that common sense would be that noone should be born into a shithole or have to endure a life of fear just so we may one day switch from underdogss to wealth, leaving all the underdogs behind because we accept and believe this is a dog eat dog world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is a dog eat dog world and that I must get on with getting how the underdogs move up into the world because in this I have accepted that I have to do anything and everything to get myself out and make myself fine and leave everyone behind, the ascension principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone has the life they deserve when I finally made it out of the underdog world, as a way to justify why I now had what half of the world had no access to and why I had come to accept the world as it is, simply because it worked for me

When and as I see myself enjoying or moving into satisfaction about an underdog who made it out of the shithole, I stop, Breathe, remind mysef that when I allow myself to feel good about one who makes it while billions don't, I am supporting this system of abuse, instead I now use the underdogs stories to flag myself points to which I have not yet equalized myself as I see the fear of living the underdog life that makes me desire to get out of it at any cost

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear regarding going back to the Underdog world, I stop, Breathe, remind myself there are no Underdogs but a world of Equals in the making and that I am applying myself to self correct all the judgements that keep me separated from this reality as me, so I may become Equal to this reality and when I correct myself this reality shifts into correction One and Equal to me

I commit myself to stop dividing the world in underdogs and wealthy, losers and winners and stop my participation in the comparison system that decides who is who according to a Money/Value system that I wish to change into What is Best for All, to return to everyone Equally their right to Life and to guarantee that noone is left behind within the New world we are building through and as the Change of Ourselves as the World, Equal and One.