Day 95: Me as Arrogance - Childhood

Vocabulary definition

1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.

2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others

When I was a kid I lived in the government housing with my mum AND I had 'rich grandparents'. Since I was the only granddaugher from every side of the family I was considered 'special' by all the grandparents, at one point in my life I had 7 grandparents, 4 of which were divorced and remarried on my grandma's side, one grandmother on my father's side, plus another 2 from my mum's new partner.

All of them gave me money as money was The Point for all of them to get back at my mum in one way or another and they only asked that I would keep it a secret, which was perfectly fine with me, so I would not have to explain or justify how I spent it.

I mainly spent it on candies,  had daily sugar binges by the age of 5, which is as well when I started to have weight issues that were downplayed by my grandmother, the one who was the biggest influence in my life, who herself had balooned up to fat size and then went down in a yoyo fashion that marked my family relationship with food.

Some other money I would spend on stickers, when I was a kid we had stickers books and we would buy the stickers in envelopes of 5 and then use them like money, we would trade the doubles for the missing ones until we filled all the books. I collected water tatoos as well, I did not use them, I had tried but I found out that holding a stash of them, priding myself to have some of the best in anyone's collections in the courtyard, gave me a sense of power.

Due to my different access to Money than the other kids of the courtyard I got to feel superior to them as they always tried to be in my 'graces' so to speak, so they could share in the things I was able to buy with my secret money.

This special status gave me the power of the High Court as well within the court yard, I would sit and listen to disputes and give my wise opinion on who was wrong and who was right, some issues seemed pretty clear cut, some issues were not and then I would lean toward my closest friends and bestow the favourable judgement onto them.

This made me feel powerful and above the other kids.

My mum was much into 'justice' in a very self righteous way that I have copied and played out and that forced me to create many Characters as I always had to have an excuse, a reason for why I did what I did, when I moved out of the self imposed 'righteousness lines', and keep 'face' as an impartial Law Enforcer.

My mum always sided with the poor and derelict, when I was about 5 we went for a visit within the free health system and saw a doctor abusing an old lady, she stepped in, a fight erupted and then she shouted 'Ele get the doctor, bite him' and I went on my fours and bit him on the leg. This memory is not clear in my mind as a picture, it is clear as a story that I heard told with pride many times as to say me and my mum made a good team, we were the 'abusers busters', we would get them soon or later, it was OUR mission.

This is an important point because it shaped the way I became arrogant, since the route to abuse the weak  and get away with it, in terms of negative emotions and self judgements, was closed for me, I turned my arrogance on the bigger fishes, this did not mean that I had given up feeling more than the weak ones, of course I did, I just suppressed it because I had understood that that point was not rewarded in my family, while taking on the 'big guys' was, so I developed a particularly arrogant/defiant  stance everytime I was faced with Authority or authority figures and I got to feel superior to both, the weak, on whom I did not play out my arrogance since it would have been like shooting on the red cross, and the big guys, for which I had received not only authorization but I had been knighted into that position by the approval of my family.

Anoher memory that was a standing story in my family is of when I was a kid and we went to the circus, they introduced the tigers, one came very close to us while I sat in the front row with my grandparents, there was the cage all around the circus platform and I stood up on the chair, held out my hand and said 'move backward tiger'. This story was another point of superiority of my childhood, I was the Tiger Tamer Protector of the weak and derelicts, while I got away with feeling above everyone else who had never Tamed a Tiger or stood up to the 'big guys'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a schizophrenic personality in which, since I felt inferior to my classmates of my private school due to 'where we lived', which was a sign of not belonging to 'wealth', every day when I returned from school, I would go back among the 'less fortunate ' -like me- and play the more fortunate than them, thanks to the secret money I had in my pocket for which no account had to be given and could be spent freely on my wishes and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel thorn between the Poor Daughter Character and the Rich Granddaughter Character, having already put value on Money above everything else, as the Value Tool of this world, and wanting to be part of the Haves and not of the Have Nots, seeking for my own Value outside and in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel important and more valuable than others because, due to my secret Money position, I had the power to decide who was right and wrong within the courtyard and to favour my friends in my wise judgements, just like the grown ups with Money did, thanks to the Money in their pockets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over other kids in my courtyard because I accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered at School and I believed I had to make up for it somehow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that collecting things that others desired and coveted and having loads more than them, gave me value above them, instead of seeing and realizing I was becoming the proud little Slave of the Consumerist society I was born into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against I. when she introduced herself in my home while we were out, and stole half of my water tattoos, the most beautiful ones according to my personal preferences, and for scratching my head for days about where had they gone, how did I lose them until she told me she had come in and taken them and I felt betrayed, instead of seeing that it was me making the things I owned so special and myself so special that other kids wanted a share in my own 'power' and that I was the one not willing to give and share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel proud when I pleased my mother by attacking the 'evil abusive doctor' by biting him on the leg and for feeling humiliated when she wouldn't stop telling the story because not everybody reacted with her same pride and I started to think I had done something wrong/shameful, behaving like my mother's dog and I couldn't take it back

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was a special Tiger Tamer because I stood up on the chair at the Circus and told the Tiger to back off, and since my grandparents kept telling the story to underline how brave and special I was I ended up believing it, wanting to believe it, and felt proud and superior to all the Non Tiger Tamers around me, which was about everybody

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I was arrogant as a child as well and that I was not special, but I wanted to be special so I could place myself above others and Stop feeling inferior because I lived in the government housing, while the kids at my school lived at nice private apartment complexes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a double Life of Inferiority and Superiority since I was a kid, Hoping to feel better about myself by putting other kids down, showing them who was boss and who held the till, which meant Power, and for not seeing or realizing that I was driven by the fear of not being Good Enough for the private Catholic school where my mum sent me with great financial sacrifices so I would be off the streets in the afternoon, while I felt the strain of the Comparison with other kids' Wealth and felt underprivileged about going there and having to face the Comparison within me every day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play this point against the kids in my courtyard, underlining and rubbing in their faces that I was privileged because I was going to private schooling while all of them had to suck it up at the public schooling system, as another point of superiority that I could hold on to, to make myself feel better and to balance out my perception of being underprivileged by Wealth comparison to my classmates

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that My Secret Money made me special, that Money had the value to make or break a life and that I was lucky to have access to Money and not have to fend for myself like the other kids in my courtyard, who were willing to do anything, including sucking up to me, to share in my Money and get an ice cream which gave me the utimate power over them to make or break their day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep the Money I was given secret, because my mum would ask me to be accountable for it, or ask me to save it, or ask me to share it, and I did not want to do any of these things because this Money was my entry ticket to heaven and to power over others and I was not willing to give it up for her stupid moralistic stances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mother because she would not get me an ice cream unless she had the money to get one to all the kids who were playing with me, and I found this humiliating because she should have kept ME in mind and not the other kids, who had their own parents, which was one of the reason why I did not tell her I had access to small fortunes monthly so I could spend it on me and my selfish desires and not share with other kids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I disliked my mum because of the way I felt when she insisted about sharing and I knew I was keeping everything to myself in secret, and her wanting for me to be equal to the other kids angered me because I had to give up my being special and my perceived power over them and within this i forgive myself for believing I was angry at my mum while all the time I was just angry with me for my selfishness and desire to NOT share and be Equal to the other kids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I disliked my mum when at Christmas she would make me give away some of my toys and regardless of my cleverly thought out tactics to NOT give them up, such as saying "I can't choose honestly, I love them all', she would then ask my friends to my home and have them choose among my presents what They Liked, and since I had said I could not choose, I had given up my right to say 'NOT THAT ONE' and I would have to sit seething while they took my favourite ones while I had to pretend that I had understood why we were doing that, while I didn't because I wanted to keep them all to myself since they had been given to ME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my selfish desires to have it all, above sharing Equally with others which is what is happening in the world today within the Money System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mum when I perceived she was pushing and then forcing me to be generous and share against my will, instead of seeing and realizing I was angry at myself because I could of course see the common sense of sharing with other kids as I could not anyway play with 10 dolls, I just didn't want to, and I did not want to feel bad about it either as I feared to be judged/ judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a selfish heartless bitch as a kid and for blaming my mum for my own self judgement of myself as a selfish heartless bitch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself throughout my life to pretend that I did not feel superior to the poor and derelicts, having imprinted inside of me the point that it was in fact NOT socially acceptable or rewarded in any way, and for using the 'big guys' as authority figures as an outlet for my arrogance that I could not display to the poor and derelicts, while I lived a life of superiority in fear of my own accepted and allowed inferiority, due to not having been born wealthy and having seen realized and understood at an early age, what Money can do for you, and for then having suppressed the Money Point so I would not have to face my desire for it as a Tool that opens up choices and gives one the Freedom to Live

I commit myself to let go of the memories of my childhood and the moments in which I have participated in the inferiority and superiority games, as I see, realize and understand that we were preprogrammed to play these games and then we went into self programming as I engaged the superiority/inferiority construct fearing to be inferior to other kids that had more than me

I commit myself to stop my participation in and as the Arrogance System, in which I look for points to make myself feel more than others, resulting from fears and memories of moments in which, within the same picture situation, I felt inferior to others

I commit myself to investigate this Arrogance Character that led me to isolation and separation because I perceived and wanted to believe that no one was never good enough for me, while in self honesty I see that I was the one fearing to not be good enough for anyone

I commit myself to stop my existence as Not Good Enough that leads to my desire to prove that I am Good Enough and then I add a load to prove that I am in fact MORE than good enough because I am More and Better than others so I do not have to fear feeling less and Not Good Enough

I commit myself to flag the point of Authority Figures as I have seen that this is where I engage this Character and with 'Suppliers' as I believe the Money gives me the right to demand, and when not deliverd to be arrogant pointing out that I am not 'a happy customer' but a disappointed one, so they get to feel bad because I did not get to feel good having been treated as special with special rights deserving special respect

I commit myself to let go the idea that I have to seek value for myself within the Money System, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe as a Child that there was Value in Money and things and not in me, instead when I see myself about to participate in the Money Value system, I remind myself that I was programmed to view reality through the Money System or the game of this world could not be played if all of us woke up to our own Self Value as Life Here in every moment of Breath, and stopped our existence of separation as the illusion that we are not in fact One Here, as we have to wake up so we can fix the mess that this world has become

I commit myself to stand for and as Life and do my part in and as the Money System, to stop the Value Game so that we may Equalize everything, bringing all the misplaced Values back to Self, for myself as What is best for All and Existence Equal and One.

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.

Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.

From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.

Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.

Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.

So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.

Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.

So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.

I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.

So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.

The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.

Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.

Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

Day 35: Friends as Self Abuse

My friend left today, the first thing I want to write is I'm GLAD.

During her stay I have realized how friendship is just another value system in which we either project an idea about ourselves and look for an energetic feedback or we look for points to devalue in the other in our mind as to feel better about ourselves. 

I have not been very reactive during her stay, but I had backchat, most of it revolving around the world of love and light and how could she be preaching that when she lives as a total self centered universe believing only her life is in fact important, of course it's not about her, she is just a mirror of myself and my own life lived as a self centred egotistical bitch, for whom how I felt was the leading light of my life, looking to feel good in any possible way, through the feedback of others or my own feedback, one thing that bugs me is that I could never really believe myself and so this is a point I project on others, a question I have asked several time to my friend A. here in Italy who has walked this process for some time, on and off, and he told me once 'yes, everyone knows Ele, everyone is aware of their own bullshit, of their not feeling good, of the lies they tell to themselves and others', he told me as well that I have asked this question within different words already several times and he wondered why.

The why is due to the point that I don't want to believe this, because if and when I do, all my world of relationships will crumble in a pile of dust, if I was not real I can live with that, but if everyone else is not real too, what is this Relationships bullshit really all about if not an excuse, a distraction, a point to play with while we pass time, and we pass air, we are farting more than breathing and I don't want to admit to this.

When my friend left I went to the toilet, immediately, I had been constipated for days, so busy holding up my new Desteni image, not wanting to make any faux pas that will lead her to find excuses about the process and what we are doing, so I withheld a few 'fuckoffs' on the way to prove that we are in fact the ones right, if I can take all the abuse with a flair, and THEY, the non Desteni are the ones who are wrong, and once when I saw her poorly hiding her laughing in mockery an at one of my reply to what she asked me about Heaven, as if I'm just too stupid to believe all of this, I did not say anything, how can I ?

It's ultimately all knowledge and information, I have not seen Heaven before nor I saw it disappear, but if I could believe the Catholics first, with their long shot about a virgin giving birth and all their Dogmas, and then I could believe in a Benevolent Universe that allows me to live and lets half of the world struggle in misery as an obvious point of a dysfunctional parenthood, if I accept the Universe or God or the Light as 'Creator', it's obvious nothing can stop me from believing something that makes sense, which is that we are One and Equal, and that the story ultimately doesn't matter, our origins are not the point of our resolution, the resolution is Here and Desteni offers a path to walk, to correct ourselves, to stop being the assholes we have been so far in our secret minds, so that once we stop the bullshit we can recreate ourselves into what is Best for All, because when we look inside in self honesty, is who we are as the egotistical maniac and psychopaths we have become what is best for All ?

Are we using then the Light and the Love to blind others hoping that they will stop at the Love and Light label and not go further into seeing who we are or are we genuine about the Beliefs we decide to hold just because they serve our Life as Self Interest and Abuse of others while we walk the planet never considering anyone else but ourselves.

A. would say 'I told you Ele, we All know what we are doing, really'. Really ? Really Really ??

Then it's time to stop and self correct, so one day we may become the friends we wish to have to All as One and Equal and we will be able to re-create ourselves into What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a 'fuck off' as bad and the pretense of harmony as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in an attempt to show that now that I am walking a path of self correction, I have become a better Human Being by displaying what I judge as being good vs being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour as  good/bad so I move myself through a fake morality maze to comply to my value system and desire to be good instead of being self expression Here in the moment in Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am an Energy Construct and for supporting such existence by my own participation in Energetic Tools instead of living Here as Breath in and as the Physical but existing as a react-or to manufacture my own energy through friction to satisfy my life of self interest validating it with good feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a self centred bitch and for being angry at myself for what I have allowed and accepted myself to become in my quest for value and appreciation, in separation from Self and all of existence as Self Trust as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to what I would in self honestly wanted to say NO, because yes makes me look better than saying no in relation to the idea and personality of myself I want to project as easy going and easy to get along with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for abuse when in fact it's always and only been my own self abuse of not standing up for myself in self honesty and drawing the lines of what is acceptable and how one should contribute within a household as an equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be the one who pays for everything because I have judgements about stingy people who are attached to money and so I don't want to show I am attached to money believing the other one will see when it is their time to step in and pay instead of settling Common Sense rules about Money and how we are going to share the costs of a visit I could not afford in the first place not having a job at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones attached to money as stingy and to believe that the ones attached to money are stingy with their 'loving' as well because love is just like money, a point in and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see value in and as a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to con-stipate myself with self judgement about how to live practically about someone else and so just in case I play the doormat which should be the most endearing position to get me the approval and love of my friends, no matter the discomfort my body shows me about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a doormat and for feeling shameful about being a doormat/having been a doormat in my life in my search for approval

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for overtaking instead of seeing it is me overgiving in a compensation act for not being good enough as a friend at the moment because I no longer play the 'makeme feelgood' game and I have to make up for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how my friends and family feel around me is my responsibility and that when I don't 'make them feel good' I have to pay for it, in money or negative emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I no longer want to host anyone instead of seeing where I can correct myself to have an enjoyable equal experience next time someone comes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as a Desteni success, meaning someone to emulate because I am working on my fuck ups when others are not and that makes me more than them who are still lost in delusions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the parts of Self still lost in delusions as less than me in separation from me as All There Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those in Process are more than those of us who are not as a point of Value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to smack my friend gently when she hid the mocking laughter about Heaven's story and for then looking in the following days for points in our conversations in which I could mock her about in my secret mind or outwardly, to get even

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as Spite and the desire to get even that I play out in my secret mind -and out- and to which I try to not pay attention because I believe I am entitled to some paybacks and I do no harm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do no harm in my mind, even though I believed a lot of invisible stuff could be life changing in the positive sense, like reiki or energy, but I don't want to face the nasty thoughts, who are made of energy too, and what they do to the collective and what they manifest in and as this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use friends as a form of self abuse and as a point of separation in which I compare myself to see if I am 'better' or 'worse' in any given point that can be physical or mental  so I can gain value for myself taking it from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a dishonorable life in and as the Mind, refusing to face my own dishonesty ad the way I participate in the world because I fear changing and not knowing what I will become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write out this point because I fear my friend reading this blog and feeling bad about it, instead of realizing, I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions, and thoughts, words and deeds, but I'm in no way powerful enough to make anyone FEEL anything and that everything another feels I cannot be responsible for as I am not the cause of it as they are never the cause of what I think, feel and say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my personalities as if they were real and something I should just correct instead of something to delete and let go, because they exist as a Mind Construction, in and as Self Interest and Separation and living in and as the Mind will never allow me to change as change will have to come from the nothingness I reach into the Life I rebuild, Equal and One for myself and all of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To Fear Change

When and if another friend will ask me to come over, I will see if it is OK with me and not just say Yes to build on a 'good image' of myself, and if it is OK and I see we can both benefit I will open my home and make my rules clear as to what is required to live together given that the workload doubles and should therefore be shared and if costs are involved I will let them know how we should go about sharing in common sense, so noone of us is abused or unclear about how to move and what is expected and there will be less backchat for both

When and as I see myself tempted to blame a friend for how I ended up feeling 'abused' I remind myself that abuse doesn't exist, but only the self abuse of me as the mind, and so I breathe and stop abusing myself or blaming my self abuse on others when I see myself lost in thoughts, feelings and emotions of and as the Mind

I commit myself to learn to build self honest relationships with other Human beings based on effective communication to Honour myself and others as One and Equal as Life