Day 262: Anna Karenina's Loves and how to Stop.

How did I change through this process?

This topic is one in which I see both my change and my resistance.

The change took the form of being able to see what is really here, the resistances takes the form of wanting to brush what is really here under the carpet so I can hold on, one last time, to the potential for love.

The point that I wrote myself out so much in the past months has made this idea of love so watered down that it slips through my fingers even when I attempt to hold on to it against my best interest and so it has become a double battle, one with myself to let go and one with myself as I judge myself for how poorly I have managed to hold on to it, how I fucked up my chance to have the romance, even just by sms or in my Mind, but no, I had to sleepwalk at times and write too much, exposing too much how I have changed, not nurturing the lie that I could with a bit of effort step back into 'who I was' so we could have the 'who we were' for a time, just once more.

Today I hence deleted the Facebook friendship and the skype contact, the two places I have identified as having done the most damage to 'my image' having exposed too much first about my change and then about what I would really like, such as a connection, something real, a man to chat to self honesty, a real friend.

I know this was not about sex, not because I don't want a lover, I just don't want it now because I See that unless I walk myself into my physical sexual expression first, I'll end up role playing again in bed and that will stand in the way of my process of getting to know myself beyond the imaginary sexual hang ups I gave into throughout my life, plus he was not the most adventurous lover so the attraction is not a sexual desire, which in fact is one of the point that is pushing me away from this 'potential relationship', it was more the milking of the 'good feelings' of love and desire to be together, be desired by someone as a partner, looking for the value of me into a relationship with someone else, something I have repeatedly looped into in my life and I am not going to time loop again.

As a nice reminder of this 'need' to be desired, today I watched a documentary called 'The bodies of women', a story of women on our national Italian TV, not the after midnight shows for adults, no, these are the lunch shows, the Sunday afternoon shows, the every moment show, where women are depicted as objects to be desired, but not pushed into those roles, nono, they walk into them eagerly, competing with each other for the sexiest shots, youngest takes, best breasts, pubic areas exposures and it made me very sad. Today for the first time I saw why I would shave my hair even if I won't because I need to look 'presentable' to make a living and no hair in Italy is just pushing the envelope too much, being too 'weird' and I am not yet established enough to set my own rules and have a safe income, but, even the fact that I considered what I would discover about myself by shaving my hair was a step ahead from not even considering it, seeing that as women we are the ones who have the responsibility to do our part to step out of this 'meat market' game, if we don't walk away from the belief that the most interesting thing we have is the hole between our legs we are fucked, literally, and not in the fun way either, in the demeaning bashing that is pushing us to line up to be 'the chosen ones' waging war on each other and secretly hating the men we make responsible for what we are in fact doing to ourselves.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to encourage the idea of romance of my ex by sending him messages and well written stories to show him that I have become literate in his language and that we could now, finally, have good communication, when in fact the only point that worked in our relationship when I was 17 and then 23 was the lack of communication

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope to receive messages by sms that would 'warm up my days and my heart' when in fact I was seeking just for an excuse to go on a rampage of 'positive energy' that had nothing to do with the other being but just with myself and my desire for an ego boost

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to indulge in reminiscing about our past as something of value, conveniently forgetting that once I said No to marriage and once he said No to marriage and that we were in fact both clear at different times that we were just consumed by an illusion in and as the Mind with no Physical real connection having ever taken place between us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret the things I wrote as I saw that I did not play the game successfully to keep him hooked because that would have made me feel too guilty, but I pussyfooted with the keeping him hooked and then I judged myself because I should have either gone all the way and hook him back or just leave him alone instead of living the middle path which is just another way to not face my own guilt nor the responsibility for what I do and how I act

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live all my life on the middle track so I would never expose myself too much, manipulating for what I wanted instead of establishing a clear communication in which I could say what it was that I wanted and desired and not pretend I was above it all, detached and never wanting anything in fear that I could be told NO and would have to face the point of rejection

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did say I was not interested because we are on two separate paths and I don't want to go back to faking just for the sake of some positive experience, that I would not be liked, desired and that I would lose my chance for added value that I could get by having a man in my life interested in me, even if this relationship was imaginary and had nothing based in the physical reality that I could really live and experience as myself as support in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create imaginary idea and ideals of perfect relationships in my Mind based on movies, fairy tales, pictures and images that I then tried to live out in the physical reality, only to be always disappointed because reality was never a match to my perfect imagination and fairy tale designed situation, words or sexual experiences and within this for trying and mold my partners to fit into my imaginary ideas of perfect relationships so I could feel 'happy and fulfilled' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized this was going nowhere, to stubbornly hold on to it as the Imaginary Perfect relationship in my Mind, because I fear having to start from scratch and so I rather pick up a man from the past, dust him out a bit, give him an imaginary make over and try again, hoping that he will know me by now, even though I myself know I am not the same woman and that this would mean to have to step back to who I was to give him/them a chance to pretend to still know me and for holding on even when I saw there was no way I was going back to please a man this time, even though I pretended I would, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw clearly that I was at a time loop intersection, at a point I have already lived a few times of giving up my life that is now beginning to work again for a delusion of the mind only to have to start over again and again when I would fall back on the planet, to not immediately come clean and let the other person know that there is no way in hell I am going to do this again and since he is not in a position to drop everything either given his commitments we should have just let it go but  did not because I did not want to let go of the hope for some' residual good feeling' that I may lose out on if I did and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when he stopped calling, instead of seeing the wisdom that he matured equal to me that this can't be working and accept that he took the step I didn't want to take, even though I believed he should have told me -even in the face that I didn't...-to feel abandoned and rejected and that he was just screwing with me so he could write some more freaking songs about me instead of talking to me and for blaming him for doing what I didn't have the courage to do using the excuse that he should have done it my way -which in fact was no way-, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I realized he may never be calling back, to delete his face book page as friend and participate in the backchat 'he will wonder now why I deleted his contact and maybe ask his cousin and he will ask me and I will say 'because he is screwing with me' and have my little revenge to make him feel bad as I felt bad, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify why it is my right to spite someone because I made up imaginary feelings of being HURT I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delete the Skype contact because I fear that I may have one of my crazy Anna Karenina moments and write something I regret and within this accept and allow that I am not in charge of what I do because I leave it all to my sub-normal personalities and Characters to step in and drive the show, and for accepting my weakness instead of standing up in and as self responsibility to live as the Directive principle of me, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself to, when I watched the Italian documentary about the Bodies of Women, to feel sad and ashamed for what we have accepted and allowed as we believed that our worth is only in the desire we can manufacture in a man and that our education or ability to live effectively in the world amounts to nothing until we have someone wanting to fuck us, which is the result of what we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe about our value as something separate that we have to achieve, that we have to work for, that we have to collect points that ensure that our survival within the system is guaranteed, and for feeling disgusted at us as women and what we have become I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that this is one reason why I cannot let go of the Beauty construct or the desire to make up, because I fear the perception of my loss of value in my own eyes, the diminishment of myself from a sexually desirable object to nothing and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am fuckable and judged by males as such, I am worthless and unable to compete and as such to survive in this male dominated patriarchal world, and for participating in this gender delusion and power struggle, I forgive myself

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• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self
• Day 219 - Relationship - Pt. 3

Day 69: I get Money Support: I regress

Since I came back to Italy I have not found a job, I have not looked as if I were dying because I was not, and so I have diligently sent out CVs and letters in my area of expertise for Italian, and since one month, for worldwide positions.

My mum asked me how I was doing with money 2 days ago, and I said I am living on the credit card, which she pointed out is a debt Card, funny how just words will change the way we 'feel' about things, I felt 'better' when I saw myself living on Credit than living on Debit.

Then she offered me some money, she told me I must become thrifty in the way I shop until I have a job (in comparison to my famous lavish spending habits -of the past-) and she told me she too lives a thrifty life, that I can buy the salad at the market and wash it for the whole week instead of the one prepared by the supermarket, this way I can have salad for 1 euro for the week instead of buying it for 6 euro prewashed, mixed and cut, it's a small saving but it all adds up.

She told me as well that many generations before us had it harder, they had wars to overcome, and this is just a tiny economical bump on the road and we will overcome, together united, until the next 'good times ' come.

While I was listening to her I felt irritation that at my age I have to be 'told' about where and how to buy the salad I eat and about watching the unfolding of how brainwashing is done to children, where we are taught that hardships are normal unless we are born rich and we have to just clench our teeth and push and pull until we make it, transforming ourselves and the world in a Monstrosity of Competition for Survival of The Fittest within a World of UnEquals.

Ah the power of Money, Money buys us the power of lecturing and telling others what to do and who to be, or this is what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have applied consistently in the position of the 'Money Giver' throughout my Life.

It seems this belief runs across cultures as well, my ex Filipino helper used to say 'Money Talks' as she held the tight strings of a family of 12 back in the Philippines supporting everyone with the money she was making in Hong Kong and dictating how was everyone supposed to live and be, since they lived off her hand.

I did not address this reaction to the 'salad talk' 2 days ago because it was slight and ALMOST imperceptible and basically I believed she was just RIGHT lecturing me since she was the one giving the money to give me some breathing space, so yesterday when my mum called me in the evening for the 2nd day in a row, a habit we had managed to change as we don't have enough to talk everyday, I felt annoyed and irritated again and our conversation ended up not being pleasant, nothing to do with her of course, it was just me, having suddenly regressed into the personality of when I was a teenager and had to be supported (and resented it, as support equaled no decision power for myself) and when we talked about the Condominium meeting on Tuesday I was resisting going, as if it was not my problem, this is her house, I am penniless=powerless and obviously de-mented so what can I contribute of value ? I even saw myself doing this, but not the root cause, I just held that it was not 'for me' to go, I have no responsibility, I am 'kept'.

On the other hand of this 'being kept' I had a first time experience in my Life, Desteni offered me sponsorship until I walk myself back into the system, before I spoke to my Buddy, I went into fear of all the things I would now be required to do being on the "dole" like making videos which is a point of stress  because the 2 half days I have spent to try to work out how to record it didn't work and is another point of facing 'something new' to add to the pile, so I assumed I would have to align to a list of things to do and would have to comply, having lost my negotiating power by being now supported and now a Money Provider to the project, instead I was not asked anything, which sent me into a state of anomaly, like I lacked the 'driver' as in an operating system to tell me 'now what', what am I supposed to do now, where is my To DO List, the catch ?

As I write this my eyes swell up with tears as I realize I have never given anything for anything in my life and everything I have given, including 'feel good energy', sex and Money, had strings attached, so here the realization is that we cannot change a system of Self Interest to What is Best for All, until each one of us Change themselves as The System of Self Interest into What is Best for All, so thank you Desteni for showing me what giving with no strings attached is and how relieved everyone would Equally Be if Money had No Strings Attached but was a real Life Support for All of Us and All Life forms on Earth as Earth, Equal and One.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation toward my mother because of our talk in which I had to acknowledge that I have not been self responsible with my Life and my Money that I could have used to support myself longer instead of having to rely on the support of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry a myself for having walked away from a dream job that would have made me lots of Money, instead of seeing and realizing I had to walk away from everything before I could reassess my Life as in What is Best for All and not What was best for me in my Self Interested make up as a Mind Consciousness System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because 'I have missed out on a great opportunity to make Money' and within holding this self judgement not allowing myself to see the gift I gave myself to stop existing as a Self Interested Individual Unit of Energy/Money to realign myself to What is Best for All and myself as the All/Whole

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother for what she taught me about Life and accepting our position of suffering, which led me to built a personality of an overachiever, meaning over as in competing with others for Money and Status to guarantee my Survival in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for the point that whatever I was taught it was me accepting and allowing myself to become a Money making machine and within this I forgive myself for judging myself for my developed ability to make money, which now stands in the way of my return to the System as Self Judgement of myself in and as The System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money Talks, as in Money has the real Power, which led me to desire to have Money as Power over others so I could dictate what they should do and what they should be to fulfill my desires of value and worth, while I separated myself from Self value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life without Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who holds the Money has the Power and the responsibility for my Life, failing to see that it was me who gave up my self responsibility for Money desiring to 'be kept' missing the point that being kept means enslaving myself within my desire to Not be Self responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not be responsible for myself and this Creation, Equal and One, hoping that either Money would uplift me from responsibility or I would abdicate it to the ones with Money of my own will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I would have to do when Money/Support is given to me, because since everything I have given in my Life so far has always had strings attached, I fear which strings are attached to what is given to me in terms of Money/Support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I saw that NOTHING I have ever given has been string-free and for desiring to hide this truth to myself about myself because I feel diminished in the acknowledgement of who and what I have allowed myself to become, instead I see I have the opportunity to change and learn how it is possible to give with No Strings Attached as I walk my process of elf Correction back into Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may not know how it is to give without strings attached and that I may fail again, instead of seeing that I have made a decision and if I should fail I will simply remind myself I have engaged myself automatically in and as The Mind, I stop, breathe, and correct myself until Giving with no Strings Attached becomes who I am and me as a piece of this world has corrected and realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to cut the strings that I have laid out through what I have given and received in the past, so that we may All break free from the bondage of this self created slavery of the Debt System and start to live as Life, for ourselves and existence Equal and One.

Day 65: God, Spirituality and Law of Attraction: It's All About Money !

I have just listened to the Interview 'The World's Great Divide', which would be the Secret within the Secret within the Secret.

The first Secret was the Law of Attraction itself, the second secret was that it originated by Abraham even though they tried to not give him credit for it, but there is a Third Secret, one we could have worked out by ourselves if we had taken the time to question some of the Law of Attraction teachings and how come that such great teachings were not part of the curricula of Third World Countries, since by just focusing on what they needed and wanted, which at their level would be food, water and shelter, they would just 'attract it to them', and the World problems would be solved.

So why didn't we reach out to the Needy Ones with the Law of Attraction?

First because we get it, you must have Some Money to make Money, you must have something to sell, some education, something that is Valued within a World where everything has a price Tag, plus the Needy Ones are the very outflow of our careless selfish greedy attracting to us what would be way more than we need, it's interesting to see that no matter what we discover that is New and Mind Blowing, like the Quantum Theory, we always conveniently leave out what would have us think, what would have us realize something about this world, such as the word FIELD which is by its very definition a finite playground, which is measurable in space and time.

Which would bring up the question, since we are NOT using the Law of attraction for the benefit of All but just for ourselves, to match our ever growing need for MORE that we have become within this Consumerist society that sells us experiences and ideas of what we NEED to finally feel good and safe within ourselves, wouldn't something have to give ?

Within a Finite Space, when I get way more than I need, having understood that there is a Unified Field that connects us All, is it possible that I am attracting to myself Resources that someone else has to go without ?

Money is Energy, yes, yet this Energy is finite, the Money we have designed for and as this world is becoming less and less in value as the Public Debts keep growing, while we up our prayers, and tricks and Energy mantras, meditations for success, just to keep up with the Joneses making sure we don't get overtaken in our race for more and for who can show to be more successful.

Yet to do this, we have to give up many things, the first one is our Self Honesty, we would SWEAR that we are into Spiritual Practices or that God is our Shepard, yet when we pray, we pray for Money, for financial security, to make it just another day, because the world out there is scary and WE KNOW that Money is The Only Saviour.

But we are not wiling to consider Saving Us all from this system of Inequality and Abuse, nope, we ask the Poor to please don't come up to the G20 while we are having Life changing meetings about the Future of the World - not Your future, OUR future- while we stay at 5 star resorts while the Poor gather outside in the heat to ask if Please, could someone take a look at this world because Honest-to-God, it's Not working for them, they can't make it to the end of the Month.

But we push them away because in our heart we know that we will address their problems, we'll put them in our Prayers, we will ask God to take care of Them, because after All, it's God's creation, God cannot fuck up, there must be a bigger plan, a reason, their Karma, SOMETHING unexplainable is going on, but we can't be expected to understand everything we Are Only Humans...

Yet we KNOW what is going on, we know that something has got to give unless WE GIVE, unless we consider the World as Us and what needs to be done as something that should not be postponed, that we should give to All what we would like to receive, Jesus said it, we crucified him and kept the cross as a reminder instead than the Message of Equality and Oneness, are we retarded ?

Nope, we are just a scared self interested greedy bunch, fact is the resources of this World are finite, do we need to go hungry and homeless and thirsty before we see that we must give to each other what we would like to receive ?

Consider a System of For-Giveness, it will take loads of it to get over what we have done, but we could have it as we give it to others, in one single swoop, as we create a system to For -Give we grant ourselves the same Forgiveness, the same Grace we have given to each other, or we can keep burning in the Hell of Our Own Creation until no excuses and tricks will separate us from the Reality that is Here and needs to be addressed by us as The Change We Want to See in This World.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that God/Universe had a plan and that everything was under control, despite the physical evidence that nothing was under control and that if/it he had a plan it probably did not turn out right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support Charities and Good Deeds, as a way to feel good about myself, always considering that my Survival had to come first and what I did not need anymore, in terms of clothes or money, I could give some away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the 'we do what we can' without realizing and understanding that I was born within a system that told me what I could do and what I could not do and that I would always move within my preprogrammed limitations unless I changed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that if The Law of Attraction was valid and not an Elitarian Tool for those who already had enough by comparison, we would have used it to fix the problems of the world and not to address our pettiness in terms of what MORE we could put our hands on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disturbed by beggars and the poor that would stand outside of the 5 star resorts where I used to go, hoping and desiring that someone would move them somewhere else so I would not have to see and face the Inequality of this world and feel guilty about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about the Inequality of this World, yet to accept that This is The Way Things are and that 'there will always be Poor' without seeing or realizing that in a World of Plenty it was not normal that there should be Poor and Starving People, unless we accepted the normalization of this point of Inequality as The Way Things Are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to debate against the Poor because they did not want to work and Earn what I had and they were Just Lazy, instead of realizing that by birth we DO NOT have the same choices and that it was just my own greed and self interest that made me think and speak that way fearing for my own Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival, because all the people that tried to make a difference have been killed or died of mysterious deaths, instead of seeing that the problem was the approach they took, without empowering themselves to move out of their own limitations and beliefs of what can and cannot change ending up to being their very own demise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with desires for experiences that would make me more than what I am as Life here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not enough to myself and that I would have to buy and get myself the experiences that would confirm that I was a Successful Human being, failing to see how I was just giving in to the consumerist system to become the Consumer of anything of substance so I could have my energetic experiences within my Mind and believe I was more and more valuable than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Spirituality when I saw I did not have access to the kind of Money I would have liked and for trying to build up an Energy loot from 'Spiritual endeavours, that would pay off if not in this Life in the next

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Physical is of no importance, because the body dies, while Spirit and Consciousness go on, instead of seeing I got it all wrong, while I con-ned myself into beliefs that there was something more valuable than this shitty experience we were having on earth were the physical was reduced to eating, shitting and fucking in separation from Self, missing out on the simplicity of Life as Breath, One and Equal with everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be extensively angry at myself for spreading the law of Attraction bullshit onto others, believing that I had found a system to feel good, having given value to feeling and emotions as a definition of myself over myself as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to feelings and emotions over me as Life, in separation from myself and everything that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire energetic experiences of high and lows to prove to myself that I was in fact alive within a framework of existence that made no sense as we seemed to be born to go to school to learn a lot of useless shit, then to work, get married have kids and die, and we called this a Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer sleeping to living due to my own definition of what a Life is, a shit hole of experiences that usually end up turning sour unless I lived in suppression because I had not yet learnt Tools to deal with what was going on within me as me and how to self correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider a solution where everyone could have a dignified Life until My Life was no longer working and I saw what this system is really about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience for myself,  as a consequence to my never being Here, to understand the system because I was not willing to take a self honest look at myself and my surrounding and see that this World was not working for half of the population that lives on it but I did not care

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibility for this World as Me, Equal and One, because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that This is The Way Things are and as long as I found my own way to survive I would have been just fine

I commit myself to stop my existence as an Energy creator and manipulator, supporting myself with Breath, stopping my existence as thoughts, feelings and emotions because I have seen that within me as The Mind I cannot be trusted to do what is best for All and what is best for Life and I commit myself to give up my existence as a Mind Consciousness System for Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

Day 49: Earthquake Update - Choosing Suffering as The Ultimate Teacher ?

We had 2 earthquakes of magnitude 5.8 in the past 2 weeks, the main building taken down seem to be Churches, up to 5, all of them, in one small village in the Emilia Romagna region.

Never before we have had a Church-less village in Italy.

Churches, whatever the propaganda says, are NOT uniting people, they are a symbol of separation and of an abdication of responsibility to a God that is either amnesic about  His creation or he plainly does not exist and has become the embodiment of our desire to not stand as Self responsible Human Beings for Life, One and Equal.

Funny but since churches have been taken down by the earthquake and more than 7000 people found themselves in tents, having to rely on sharing confined spaces, limited food and comfort, we started to get along better.

Yesterday on TV they showed Arabs, Blacks, Asians and Italians all sitting and eating as brothers and sisters at the special tent canteen that has been set up by the Civil protection, not one ounce of tension was flying, the earthquake has shaken down the worthless, leaving the Worth, Life, One and Equal intoand as all of Us.

When we have a chance to share a confined space and  see first hand that we are Equals, as in we all need to eat, drink water, wash ourselves, have a shelter, a lot of the bullshit we use as a weapon against each other is just no longer there, no money, no things to buy and flaunt, no private toilets to care for our 'Image', no churches where we can go to worship the Only God, the Biggest and More Powerful One, separating ourselves into our own Minds against The Children of Lesser Gods, we become, Equal in Need.

So, is this the way we have to go to understand Equality, through suffering ?

What is it with Humanity and Suffering ?

Why do we hold the Belief that we can only learn through Suffering ?

Why isn't Common Sense enough to see that if we all share One Planet and we just have to recognize each other Equal Right to be Here as Life, if we did, in One Breath, we could stop all the suffering and stand together as One Life, supporting each other, bringing Heaven to Earth for everybody.

Are all our Mind conflicts really worth the separation that will lead to more suffering, to more loss of lives so that we can insist on our right to self interest and greed and the right to the Free Choice to Damn and Condemn ourselves to Hell on Earth.

"When we say the Physical is the Way to Life, we mean that the physical will force us to become self aware, force us to understand creation, force us to stand up for what is best for all life, force us to love our neighbors, force us to truly become custodians of life in very way. The physical will not save us, it will serve hell till we become Life." Bernard Poolman

If suffering is what we are voting for, let's get on with it, let's suffer and struggle, let's get shaken by the Earth back to our Common Sense, where we seem unwilling to go on our own, forgetting that we only had One Choice from the Start, Life Equal and One for All, or Death and Destruction, what shall it be ? Our choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we can learn from 'Suffering'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we never learn from Joy but from suffering, making suffering the Teacher of Humanity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value suffering, because I suffered and tried to make sense of it by stating that real Lessons come from Suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the model of Suffering of the Catholics, that stated there is Value in Suffering as Saints and Martyrs who now live in heaven prove to us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make Saints and Martyrs and the ones who suffered physically through tortures and physical pain for an 'Idea'l more than me, because I was not willing to suffer for 'something' Higher than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that suffering is 'The Only Way We Seem to Learn' and for saying this out loud

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffering failing to realize that what I fear manifests for myself and existence, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the suffering of others because I fear my own suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated the catholics and their teachings of suffering for Humanity, while they kept the good Lives for themselves, instead of realizing I hated myself for my own acceptance and allowance of suffering as a Teacher and my own suffering in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for suffering and for believing this hate to be real and who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish suffering on others when angry as a way to learn their lesson, like Karma, instead of seeing everything I wish done onto others I do onto myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never see that we suffer as a choice of having embraced suffering as The Ultimate Teacher and having placed suffering above ourselves as a mean to learn, instead of seeing suffering is just plain Mean and I can stop the abuse and suffering of myself and others by stepping out of me as The Mind into the Physical as Life One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look back at my life and state 'yes I have learnt from my suffering' as a way to make sense and validate suffering for myself and others, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the suffering of humanity and myself as 'lessons' we have to learn instead of seeing there was enough suffering in this world for us to be all well learnt and beyond and that suffering was our own creation through our own acceptances and allowances of suffering as a viable option for learning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that there was something wrong in this creation if our lives had to be filled with so much suffering and for not realizing/seeing that Ourselves and our acceptances and allowances were the something 'wrong' with this creation and that it was time to STOP what we were no longer willing to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some deserve to suffer, due to my judgements of what they did to others, instead of seeing I was stating "I deserve to suffer for what I believe I have done to others'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and my physical body through the suffering of the friction of me as The Mind, accepting and allowing my own existence of suffering while I was not willing to let go of my own self inflicted suffering of and as the Mind, while I resisted letting go my life of self interest to return Here in Breath realigned to Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and to make myself suffer, for-getting that what I do to myself I do to existence, Equal and One, instead of stopping and standing in and as The Change I want to see in this world

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When and as I see myself supporting or about to support any form of suffering of myself and others for 'a higher purpose', I stop, breathe, look at which specific higher purpose I am deluding myself with and release it through self forgiveness and self corrective application

When and as I see myself valuing suffering as 'the only way we seem to learn' I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have to investigate all patterns of suffering of myself and others, reflecting back to me my accepted and allowed acceptances of suffering as value so I may eradicate suffering as value from my own life and the world, Equal and One, to bring about a World that is Best for All

I commit myself to stop all the suffering in and as me and all my acceptances and allowances of suffering,  to stop the suffering in the world as a mirror, Equal and One

Day 41: I kill Ants, my Neighbours kill pigeons, the Vatican kills Popes, who is better ?

I watched a documentary yesterday on the History Channel about Pope John Paul I, the Pope that lived only 33 days and whose memory has been quickly swept under the holy carpet in case someone should question how an healthy Man who was relatively young and fit could die suddenly and then be rushed to be embalmed 5 hours after his death.

Not that it makes a difference because Popes cannot be subject to autopsy, this is a clever prevention Law that was set in place long time ago, even before the church had a Pope coming straight from the Borgia lineage that was named Alexander VI, yes we had a Borgia Pope, Alexander VI was widely known as a corrupt and manipulative pope, scheming for his family's benefit. Many claim that the Papacy reached its greatest moral decline of the Renaissance during his pontificate, but it is not true, he just did not have the good taste to keep everything hidden and secret, something they have remedied throughout ages managing to manipulate every record and history book that may have made look bad.

If you have that kind of power on the planet, Temporal and Secular, you need some Insurance policy, some back up in case something goes terribly wrong, like a Pope who may get the unfortunate idea to expose the Masonic connections of the Vatican and do some spring cleaning.

At the time of the death of this Pope Cardinal Marcinkus was head of the Vatican Bank, it is well known that the Vatican Bank has ties with the Mafia and that it is used for the laundering of the Mafia Money and other illegal activities.

When Calvi, who was another banker that mingled with Marcinkus and the Vatican State was found hanging from a London bridge Called the Black Friar bridge, the links to the Vatican and why he had to die were quiet evident, deliberately evident in fact to those who could read the signs, they were a warning to never ever fuck with the Vatican, because they could have you hang from a bridge in London with your pockets full of bricks and have the case dismissed as a suicide

The prosecutor of this case and journalist who followed this track were also found dead.

Vatican Inc. will not be taken down by a stupid Pope who just had some weird ideas of what the purpose of an organization that should stand for the people was, as Marcinkus said, The Vatican doesn't run on 'hail Marys', and in fact, if you check out the wealth of this ridiculously small state that was given absolute power by Mussolini you will see that they not only do not run on Hail Marys, but they are far from trusting this world or this creation and have piled up quite a loot, for rainy days to come.

Yesterday My neighbour, a frail looking lady who goes to Church on Sundays, told me that a pigeon had come into the common landing where we have no plants or anything that could make us territorial, yet he left a small shit on the floor and so she decided to put some bread dipped in chlorine as she remembered a caretakers telling her that this is how he got rid of pigeons. I stood there saying nothing, she and her husband were waiting for my congratulations on a plan well laid out, yet I found this quite revolting, out of the movie 'Arsenic and Old lace', what was it to us this pigeon coming in searching for cover during the 2 days of extensive bad weather we had. When they left I removed the poisonous bread and went back to my apartment, leaving poisonous bread for a pigeon whose only fault was a little shit on the landing seemed a bit of an overkill, the punishment was above and beyond the crime. The clumsy Borgia living next to me will possibly forgive me for interfering.

A week ago, I wanted to write about my relationships to Ants in my kitchen, and how I feel every time I kill one and have to face that I cannot even respect an ant that doesn't shit around, bite or poses any threat to me, my safety or my home, but just comes to see if there is something for her to eat, my building may even have been their home once yet I have not been able to find common sense solutions to my living with other creatures of the world, just because I hold ideas and beliefs of where ants should live and how they should accept their placement in the world, just like me, I have lived a slave life and I take it out on the smaller creatures of the planet, I am a Bully.

So what is the link between me, my pigeon killing neighbours and the Pope killing Vatican ? Apparently none, yet there is a common thread linking all of us, we just do what we have to do to get our way, if I were  my bored neighbours I may see the plotting to poison a pigeon as the highlight of my week and if I were in charge of the finances of an Empire, well, it seems clear that I would do what the Vatican does, would get rid of anyone in my way to get my way, because an ant, a pigeon or a Pope, they all just represent what stands between ourselves and the way we want things to work out, no matter who has to die, we'll get the job done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be revolted by the Vatican and what they have done through History, instead of seeing and facing the fact that if I were them I would have done everything required to have my way and get things done to save myself and my position in the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the Vatican as a bunch of criminals failing to see I am a criminal myself who abuses Life, I just have only access to the small plot in this system, like sterminating ants and not to the big ones like killing Popes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the Vatican for what it represents, failing to see that I can only hate myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest such system of control and abuse in and within my unwillingness of taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my participation in and as this system of abuse, where I can see myself in and as the Mind go to any necessary lenght to fulfil my desires and experiences, uncaring of the consequences or how my participation may affect others and the world, because I have not been willing to stand in and as Self responsibility for myself as the whole, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have vicious and nasty Thoughts when someone 'fucked with me' likw the vatican does, and for accepting and allowing myself to engage thoughts and desires of spitefulness and revenge that I have lived One and Equal to me in my desire to get even or to inflict the same harm I perceived was inflicted onto me, without considering that Thoughts manifest and that I have infact kept fuck all secret because I can look at the world and what is manifested without to see myself within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Secret Thoughts of My Secret Mind, creating alternate realities, events and manifested consequences that I then had to live out, failing to see my own creation at work displayed in fron of me for me to walk as manifested consequence and instead of stopping myself I built an existence of denial and separation, trying to separate more and more from the manifested consequences of me as me so I would not have to face me as the Creator of this shithole I have turned my existence into and the world One and Equal to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy when my granddad dog would attack anyone wearing a black robe and therefore all priests in sight, because I saw them as one of the sources of Evil of my country/the world and believed they should be attacked and taken down, when I am in fact the same source of Evil in and as the Mind within a system of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be willing to forgive the Vatican and for feeling irritation every time something related to the Vatican comes up because I don't want to face the same Evil that exists inside of me in smaller scale, just because I have not had access to the bigger scale plays of this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to forgive my Evil existence as a point of self righteousness so I can stand above the Vatican and those who I judge as worse than me and get to feel better about myself than how I would feel if I admitted to my Evil to self forgive it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself so I can stand self righteous and self fucked in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that killing is measured in grades, like ants are less important than pigeons, and pigeons less important than Popes and within this accepting that Life has grades of value, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in every living expression of the Planet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and  believe that they should just place a bomb in that filthy institution that the Vatican is and stands for, without seeing that my desire to place a bomb for the good against evil makes me a murderer not less than the Vatican people because there is no good reason to take someone's life or to suppress any life expression just so I can have my way and id the world of the reflection of the Evil of who I am and have accepted and allowed myself to become so I won' have to face it and stand up in self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel righteous when I felt disgusted with my neighbours for wanting to kill a pigeon when I am an Ant serial killer and it is not the dimension of the life we suppress that defines us but the desire to suppress and the reasons we make up to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove the poisoned bread my neighbours left for the pigeon so I could judge them as being more scum of the earth than me and I could feel better about myself while I stood in the self righteousness of me 'doing the right thing'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself when I kill ants because I play in my mind a whole story of maybe having killed the parents and now the baby ants may be left orphans and then I imagine is the baby ants coming back to the sink looking for their family, failing to realize I am just using stories to fuck with myself and my mind because feeling good about killing ants makes me believe I am Human and have compassion in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow that anything goes for me to have my way and that if I have to kill so be it, because this makes me no different than the Vatican or my clumsy Borgia neighbours, we just took on the tasks we had within the context we live to express the same absolute point, there is nothing we would not do to have it our way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and exist as a self interest machine, only interested in how I can make things work for me, uncaring of finding ways to live and coexist with others on this planet that is not mine alone but of all living forms that share it, in ways that are Best for All and not just best for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project on the Vatican all the Evil of the world in my mind, so I would not have to look at the Evil I myself exist in and as, and change myself so as to no longer live on the Autopilot of my Life of Self Interest, but be the correction of myself that I want to see in this world, where I stand in and as Life, in and as What is best for All, stopping all judgements and ideas of who is better and who is worse in this existence where there are no better or worse but All equally responsible for what is here that needs to be addressed and corrected inside of me so the world may change as a reflection of me and my new stance in and for What is Best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to compare my own Evil to the Evil of others and come out a winner as in less Evil than others which gives me reasons and justifications of why is it not required of me to change, because there is worse out there, instead of seeing we are Equally Worse as each one of us as maxed up Evil within their own sphere of influence and world placement and that my participation in and as the Mind makes me One and Equal to everything that exists all the way to the lowest point of this Creation, until I stand in Self Honesty, and change from the lowest point of me, One and Equal, and return myself to Life as Life for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the existence of a religious institution that embodies our unwillingness to become self responsible for this creation and for abdicating to them my power to stand as the Self Correction this world will manifest once I self Correct, because I rathered blame them for what I have become because of my brainwashing as a child, instead of seeing I accepted and allowed the brainwashing because I rathered be brainwashed into believing that someone else was responsible than stand in Self Honesty and Self responsibility to look at this world mirroring me back to me so I can see how and where and when I abuse myself and I can stop to stop all abuses of this World One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the teaching of me as a sinner, an intrinsically faulty human being as being 'only human' accepting that I would never be able to stand in and as the correction that is required in this world, making myself Equal to everything that exist, to stop the separation of me from existence that I cannot change as me unless I become it first, stopping my judgements, ideas and opinions, the memories and feelings and emotions that I have created and then stored and lived in and as me that prevent me from being Here in every moment of Breath where change as me can be accumulated in time and where I can take back everything that I have created, accepted and allowed to manifest in self interest and separation to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself trying to make myself MORE than others in my goodness or LESS than others in my Evilness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Equality already exists although in a twisted way as the Mind in which we are all Equally fucked and that there is no point to participate any longer in competitions about who has been the Evilest, since we have all done our very best within our participation of acceptances and allowances in and as the Mind, instead I Breathe, remind myself I am stopping my existence of separation and competition in and as the Mind in which I have to prove that I am more, fearing to be less, and bring myself back Here consistently in and as Breath, to stop existing as a Mind Consciousness System and birth myself as Life into the physical

I commit myself to stop judging others, projecting blame on others and instead take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words, feelings and emotions so I can stand in Self Correction until I am no longer separate but Equal and One to existence as Life to manifest a system that is Best for All as a reflection of myself and my effective Self-Forgiveness for myself and All as One and Equal.

Day 25: Still in Hong Kong, not Here yet

I have lived in Asia for 17 years, when I write 17 it seems yesterday that I left Italy and not possible that 17 years went by in what seems just a few Breaths.

I can say that because before meeting Desteni I was not breathing much but I didn't know until I tried the 4 counts breath and discovered I owned nothing of me, not even my Breath.

As a Group we are investigating what pre-occupies our Minds all day, so we can delete the pre-occupations and gain Capacity to see and learn what reality is really about, as like in every 'information system', once 'information overload' is reached, the hard drive Capacity is diminished, this is why when people age, they lose the ability to 'remember', remembering as in memory capacity is not an ability, it is just a storage system, in which we file everything in picture form, missing out on the Life of Breaths that we could be living if we were not pre-occupied with something else.

One of my demons in my mind is Hong Kong, I have already applied Self Forgiveness on this topic, but not effectively obviously, as memories still run randomly within my mind during the day, where I find many pictures to associate to Hong Kong pictures filed in my mind, and they come up usually with a feeling of nostalgia or regret, for something that was and will never be again, I miss who I was, the personality I embodied in Hong Kong, the water, the harbour, living on the sea, the lifestyle, the food, the vitality of the city, funny, I don't miss the people, except maybe for Michele, my friend who was a partner in a few restaurants by the time I left, I missed the relationship we could have tried if both of us had not been so busy pretending to be and want something else.

If I have to pick one word to define Hong Kong and pinpoint where the problem of this hole I perceive I have left from this experience is, it would be 'excitement', a feeling of being alive, not that I was alive, but Hong Kong with all its lights and busy streets could give me this feeling, I miss the feeling of being alive, useful, a productive member of a society in which I made good money and felt satisfied by my place in the world.

Before the 8 years I spent in Hong Kong I was 5 years in Singapore, Singapore went over my head, I have almost no memories, even though when I want to torment myself about the past, even Singapore will do, and even Thailand, a place where I lived for 4 years after Hong Kong in a semi sleepy state, where I had a few friends and nothing else, Thailand was a parking space, where I retired myself in and as the belief that I better be close to the fasting place where I could take care of the consequences of my life of abuses, having given up on myself and my ability to change.

Today I looked for the point to let go, or Self For-give about Hong Kong, and I can sum them up in bullet point to help myself see more clearly:

• the belief that when I was there I was alive because I felt the excitement of the city, meaning I miss the energy of Hong Kong as a way to drive myself to live/exist
• the belief that I was happier there than here, meaning I still live into a polarity of happiness/sadness that I need to self correct
• the regret for having left my 'productive place' within the system back there and have to start from scratch again to find ways to make a living
• the fear that I may lose my permanent residenceship and be kicked out of the Hong Kong system, where I felt secure I could do anything and always provide for myself
• regret for having left when I could have kept a very well paid job, just because of my Ego
• the fear of going back there and having to start from scratch providing for myself inside a very expensive city
• the fear f having to face my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus forecast of Hong Kong being destroyed and asked them to leave the city, just to show off my new knowledge and information
• missing Michele
• having felt jealous today when my ex helper wrote to me she is getting her passport done as she found a new job in Hong Kong and she is moving back from the Philippines to Hong Kong, and I wished it would be me, even though she needs a job way more than me as she supports a lot of people in the Philippines, yet I could not be completely glad for her as I became busy with regret and jealousy.

So on with my Self Forgiveness to give myself back to myself from these points of Separation:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was alive because I felt excited by a city I lived in as a place that gave me a motivation to 'live and be alive'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to be alive through an external  motivation, instead of living in and as Breath in every moment, One and Equal to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the excitement that a city provided for me in terms of energy as a reason to be and feel alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not the same now that I lack the excitement of a city filled with the energy of Money and Sex on which I fed off to be and feel alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alive in relationship to Money and my ability to make money in Hong Kong as a reason to feel satisfied, fulfilled and energized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was happier in Hong Kong than in Italy, instead of seeing I was happier because I had access to the Money system that I have accepted and allow myself to define myself and my worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness is important and that it is real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a delusional world of feelings and emotions, hoping to get to experience the good side of the energy polarity disregarding others who will have to live out the negative side that I do not want to experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Happy in Hong Kong and Sad in Italy within a Money polarity game in which I define myself according to where I can make Money=Happy and where I cannot=Sad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through selling out to a polarity system of excitement hoping to live out value in separation from myself as Self Worth/Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am two different people, a successful one in Hong Kong and a loser in Italy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to step back into what I left behind in Italy which was the Mind construct of a Loser because in Italy I did not have access to the Money System with the same ease I could access it in Hong Kong, instead of realizing that it was the bigger Inequality of Asia that allowed me to have more success there and that to live out my desire I have been participating and supporting a system of Inequality because it worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret, re-feel the fear of having to start again from scratch when I have proved to myself many times that I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the times when my life was safe and guaranteed for in terms of my ability to make money, instead of realizing that I have missed something that worked just for myself while I lived in a place where the Inequality allowed me to have the upper hand on the weaker ones in society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty regarding my life in Hong Kong when I realized the only reason why I was better off there than in Italy was because there were others worse off, yet I still wished to be back there and have MY life work for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good through charity and treating others nicely, while I lived Inequality as My Right, as long as my life worked for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept support and praise the Inequality of the Hong Kong system for my own personal gain over other nationalities who were 'worth less' within the Monetary Value System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my Permanent Residenceship in Hong Kong because I still 'hope' to go back there one day and live a better life than the one I am living in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a life better or worse according to experiences that are related to Money and Money making ability, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and Everyone's Right to a dignified Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret having left Hong Kong and a well paid job because of my Ego because I resent having to walk the manifested consequences of my behaviour

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent walking the manifested consequences of my thoughts, words and deeds, instead of standing up and walking my self responsibility starting with everything I am aware I have manifested into existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the fear I feel about going back to Hong Kong where I would have to face starting from scratch and everything I left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus predictions about Hong Kong being destroyed and having asked them to leave the city to show off my new knowledge and information and for desiring that it did in fact happen so I could be right and get back face for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish a catastrophe on an entire city out of spitefulness because I dislike others being there to enjoy it while I am stuck in Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having lost credibility just because Hong Kong has not yet been destroyed instead of seeing I fear I have lost the credibility of myself due to all the bullshit I have spread around about LOA and how to use feelings and emotions as a guidance system

I forgive myself for the misinformation I have spread about existence while I was looking to understand how everything worked and I wanted to share with others how they could uplift themselves out of this shithole, once I found out I could pick and choose thoughts and therefore emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge existence as a shithole, instead of acknowledging this is my creation and judging it a shithole won't help, I see this existence is not what is best for All and needs realignment and I am working on realigning myself and existence will follow being the mirror of myself and my inner world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss Michele in separation from myself as to mean that when I had a chance to have a relationship with him I did not because I gave more value to the image of myself and how I wanted to 'look' as a strong woman who was not interested in men, instead of being clear about what I really wanted to experience, instead I had to go through all this suppression while he ended up marrying a woman I detested because I thought that if she did not come 'between us' we may have had a chance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think his relationship will not last, as a way to give myself a back door of hope that you never know, maybe one day, we'll get to live that experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest myself into potential experiences of the mind as a way to gain value/worth for myself through the 'idea' that I could have had Michele for myself if I wanted and expressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous that my ex helper V. is going back to Hong Kong, feeling as she took my more 'worthy' place back into Hong Kong, even though she really needs the job for practical physical support of herself and others in the Philippines while I would get the job as a way to feed my Ego and my Life of Energy and Experiences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for feeling jealous of V. and for thinking that there is no end to my disgusting behaviour even toward someone I said and believed, I loved sincerely

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself and for believing that disgust is real and not just an experience of me as the mind, based on my own judgements of myself as disgusting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as disgusting for what I can see is the lenghth to which we are willing to go to profit and win, no mater who gets hurt or damaged along the way to my victory

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file pictures and experiences about Hong Kong in my mind as a way to keep myself preoccupied with something that has been and is not HERE and I now wish to let go as there is no need or purpose to these pictures floating in me as the Mind if not to entice my participation in and as the Past which is now gone and I want to get back Here where Life is and stop being There which is not real and is not serving any purpose for myself, is not what is Best for Me or What is best for All

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to lose myself into memories of Hong Kong, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have self forgiven myself and I don't want to invalidate my self forgiveness through engaging again in the Hong Kong State of Mind, so I breathe and keep stopping myself until I am Here and no longer in Hong Kong

When and as I see myself judging myself because images of Hong Kong pop up into my Mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Hong Kong is just another State of Mind and I am working to become stable Here in and as Breath, so it won't matter where I live as it will be Who I am that determines my Life experience for what is Best fr me and What is best for All,  and not Where I am

I commit myself to bring myself back Here consistently, utilizing Breath and standing as Self Will, becoming the Self Directive principle that decides Who I want to be, as Life, One and Equal, rewriting myself in and as What is Best for All, deleting everything else that is not Life and is of separation and not of Oneness and Equality.