Day 449: Rejecting the Positive while Still Afraid of the Negative

Today reading the writings of a friend I realized this point, I had been told to investigate the 'positive thinking' for myself as I had lived so much this doctrine I had physically become it, but when I met Desteni and I understood Positivity as just one of the polarities we live and play out, I just rejected it, trying to create a buffer between myself and it, basically between me and myself.

Did that work? No

On top of this, having rejected the negative for many years diligently, the fear of the negative staid with and as me, so much so that some days I feel as if I have no place to be, stuck between not wanting to be positive and rejecting negativity without clearing myself from my judgements of what is negative, I end up living in a sliver of existence carved out between the two.

So, here I will share my SF for my participation as the rejection of the positive and the fear of the negative experience of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear the first time someone told me 'positivity and positive thinking, you have become it', because I was aware that I did not understand in full the implications of this statement and hence I did not know how to move with it to correct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject anything that I see as positive, positive thinking, positive projected outcomes believing that if I could distance myself enough from positivity I would have it sorted out, forgetting the point 'you have become it' that I should have dealt with, positivity as myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge being glad about an outcome or a potential outcome as 'positive' and within this for rejecting the idea of an outcome that may work for myself and others as something not desirable, not to be desired because positive instead of correcting my energetic label about it and see the outcome for what it is, just best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that since 'I had become it', meaning the very polarity construct of someone seeking the positive, I could balance it out seeking the negative as in what I have defined as negative, calling it 'realism' while in the process missing out the point that I was still in full polarization but just on the other side of the swing

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that you are either positive or negative at the core and that there is nothing in between and within this belief for seeking how to live in a tiny space between negativity and positivity, trying to not make waves, not enjoy myself too much (positive) and nor to embrace the world for what it is because it's too sad (negative), finding myself paralyzed at times inside a space that didn't allow myself to see clearly the outcome of a point as I was too busy not being positive and not moving into the negative - to even exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still reject at a physical level any experience of negativity, for reacting to it and for then forcing myself into it as a way to prove to myself that I can be negative because 'I have not become positivity itself' instead of looking at how I have polarized my words and my world and freeing myself from my own definitions so I can start emerging as myself wherever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define positive the following things, feeling good, having good relationships, making money, having a good life, being involved in the world at a certain level and not just surviving, being good looking and fit and for charging these expressions of myself with a positive energetic experience so much so that when I rejected positivity I moved to reject all the experiences I had myself labeled as positive, cutting myself out from reaching my utmost potential in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I reacted to posting the Principled Life Commitments that I know I want to walk with my group, I was afraid that I could not reach my utmost potential because all my potential was locked into polarized self definitions one way or another (positive or negative) that I would have to unlock before I would be able to access it as self expression and it seemed too daunting to even consider it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that I define as negative because they touch upon subjects that I have defined as negative or they have an attitude that I have defined as ass-holish and as such, negative, and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am reacting to the self defined energetic content of my own definitions within myself as the mind because by defining negativity as negative, I tend to hop and skip through it whenever I face the experience I defined as 'negativity', its causes and its source, to be done with the experience that I fear as quick as I can, instead of addressing the source point and letting it go by releasing the energetic content and then redefining the label, the word in a self supportive way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a self defined negative event occurs in my life, such as a fight with my mother, to perceive myself as diminished for participating in a negative event, instead of removing my judgement of the event, the fear of the 'negative' label as to empower myself to see what happened for real and make the required corrections

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how much I was missing out stuck between two polarities that I came to believe to be 'evil', living in a constant state of friction within and as myself instead of, when an event takes place, breathe, look at any possible energetic label that exists in and as me relative to the event, release the energetic content and assess what I can do to move myself out of it and find a solution that works for all

When and as I see myself becoming overwhelmed by the perception of being squeezed into a tiny spot, I stop, breathe, look at what I am holding a judgement about within a polarity mindset, release the energetic content in both directions and see how I can move myself from where I am into stability through breathing while I look for the reasons why I am accessing that specific experience so I can correct myself

When and as I see myself trying to assess in automatic if something is positive or negative through how I feel about an event, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that nothing is positive or negative unless it is seen through the limiting eyes of myself as the mind and that I can always find a solution for moving myself out of where I am by removing the energetic definitions of any event and move to look for the common sense practical solution within it

When and as I see myself perceiving myself as lost unless I define something automaticaly within polarity so as to know where to stand, which at this moment has become pretty much nowhere as I squeeze myself in between two impossible, refused charges, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I have seen the point of what I do and look for the energetic charges either positive or negative or both that are generating this experience of myself as stuck between a rock and a hard place and correct myself

I commit myself to stop existing as an energy puppet and to reclaim my sovereignty over myself, my life and my own decisions beyond polarities of negative and positive or bad and good by investigating where are the labels, the charges I have submitted myself to that constrict me into a specific stance and to move to removing them with self forgiveness and self corrective application, one by one, until it's done

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Day 373: Letting Hong Kong go

The Chinese characters for "Hong Kong". (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I wrote the title of this blog I felt a sense of sadness, a sense of loss.

Hong Kong has been the peak of my professional value and somehow of my personal value as well.

It is where, according to my mind, I shone the most, I was at my best, the world at my feet, I was slim, attractive, well dressed, connected to all the right people and earning a lot of money. In addition I was independent with a full time helper and the freedom to travel around the world at my fingertips.

What my mind always forgets to bring up when throwing memories in my face at all apparently random moments is the downside of it, I was never really happy in a stable way in my lifetime, when I was in Hong Kong I was either high or tipsy all the way to drunk.

I was bulimic and would spend Sundays roaming aimlessly inside supermarkets and gourmet shops looking for enticing but cheap food because I knew I would eat it and then throw it up, I had given myself up to my mind completely, I didn't even try to fight it any more, my life was a life of damage-management.

And yet, whenever Hong Kong comes up in my mind it is to highlight the glamour, the 'good side of it all', the food I loved, my sense of having successfully impersonated somebody competent but this is they key word 'impersonating', so however others perceived me, that was never how I experienced myself, instead I always felt overstretched between worlds, the one where I came from and the one where I had landed myself, always stressed at the idea that it could all fall apart and that I would be outed as an impostor, because I couldn't, shouldn't have been able to make that jump, ever, where I was born and my life history could have only led me to an average life, my Hong Kong life was way above who I believed myself to be or could ever be and this stretch, this attempt to stretch myself beyond my self imposed limitation kept me on my toes and at a level of anxiety that at the time I could only medicate with pot and with pretending that all was really fine, as I hung to positive thinking looking for that relief that I could not have from my mind.
Switching it off never seemed an option, maybe I could pivot it -as Abraham Hicks said-, I thought at the time, pivot my thoughts into something else, oblivious to the fact that none of it was real and that the essential experience of myself, sadly, remained.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Hong Kong had a value that I could try and squeeze out of it for myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that it was me divesting some of my value, some of my substance, to Hong Kong and then attempt to get it back by living Hong Kong as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when images and memories of enticing Hong Kong pop up in my mind, to not question why my mind is offering that specific hook in that specific moment but instead take the hook all the way into regret for having left a city I believed I loved so much

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was Hong Kong that made me feel special and better than how I felt in other places in my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that there was nothing special in Hong Kong but the sum of the values of the things I have been valuing in my life and that instead of taking Hong Kong as my opportunity to break free, I dived into it believing that I had arrived, that that was My city, my place -and not just a place like any other where I just happened to come face to face with the divested values of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress the truth about my real experience of Hong Kong, such as how I really experienced myself as lonely, sad, weak and addicted, as the puppet of my own mind without seeing, realizing and understanding that things got to where they got through my participation in the 'positive thinking' movement, that while it enhanced on the surface all the good, kept in the backstage all the negative, the bad, which grew to a point where my anxiety reached a level of unsustainability and I had to leave the city

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my experience of myself while in Hong Kong because I had previously manifested my dis-ease with this world, with life in general and my place in it and had been told to 'chin up' hence I wanted to find one place in the world where I did fit in, where I did not keep experiencing myself in such a negative oppressive way and I turned Hong Kong into this positive place for myself, one place in the world where I could believe I fitted in so as not to feel like such a misfit for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that making one place in the world 'my perfect place' came with a price tag, which was that the rest of the world could never be my perfect place because that place was already assigned and within this for creating within myself a polarity between Hong Kong and the rest of the world with the result that when I came back to Italy or I moved to Thailand I was forced to live in my 'not favorite place' and within that for creating unnecessary anxiety for myself regarding my placement in the world that should always be equal and not matter at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the depth of a self created depression when I came back to Italy because I faced the perception of a fall from grace, where grace was Hong Kong and Italy was a shit hole by comparison as I failed to see, realize and understand that a place is just a place and everything I experience within it, within me is of my own making 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was suddenly less, worth-less since I came back to Italy because I no longer had the relationship of positive energy I had imbued myself and Hong Kong with, tying together myself to a city in search of a stability that I never reached there or anywhere else, as I failed to see, realize and understand that I mySelf must become my own stability and nothing else outside of me that can be taken away, cease to exist or simply reveal itself for what it always was, a place no different from any other but just overcharged with my own 'positive energy investments'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and feel a sense of loss at the idea that I may never be able to go back to Hong Kong in fear that I will never feel as positive as I felt when I was there, while hiding from myself the whole truth about those times, when I was sad, addicted, bulimic and lonely

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about being lonely, sad, addicted and bulimic and for suppressing those truths so that I could keep up the image of the accomplished business woman and get kudos points for myself from others within the hope to gain a value for myself that I perceived I never had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make mental lists of the many reasons why I loved Hong Kong without seeing, realizing and understanding that everything that was on my list was always a point of positive energetic feedback in which I perceived an increase of value for myself and that the solution cannot be to return to where I divested my value but to return to myself the value I have divested over time over this particular city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was worth-less on my return to Italy because I perceived the lack of all my positive energy props about Hong Kong, failing to see realize and understand that I never lived in that city for real and I know for sure because when I saw for the first time the documentary Hong Kong cage dwellers or the plight of the migrant maids and their abuses, I was shocked as I never knew this reality even existed under my very eyes and this is the proof that I have hovered over Hong Kong in my position of privilege and not lived there within all its dimension at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would never be the same as I was in Hong Kong as in sharp, well adjusted and successful instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that those definition of myself where definitions of myself as The Mind and they had no foundation in reality as I can see, realize and understand that I have never lived those words as myself but as a system within a system and one of the reasons why I felt well adjusted was because I had successfully managed to stop questioning reality and some of the friction that I used to feel due to questioning reality and the purpose of our existence subsided, as I successfully accepted that this reality finally worked for me and that all questioning should end, submitting myself to myself as the Mind and my own deluded self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in another culture as a way to escape mine, which seemed belittling to me by comparison to the vastness of the oriental culture, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that a culture is just a cult and that when I started digging into the Chinese one I found many similarities to mine because all cultures are limiting, judgemental and oppressive and within this that I did not see realize and understand that I was trying to break free from my own limits, judgements and oppressions by projecting the judgement about them outside, on my culture, on what cultivated me from embryo into adulthood instead of taking responsibility for myself about breaking free from my preprogrammed and self programmed limiting existence

When and as I see myself long for Hong Kong, desire to be there, regret that I have ever left or about to do any of such things, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am clear about what was valuable about Hong Kong and that was my own energetic investment in it and I can realign myself by taking it all back to delete it and my ties to this city for good

When and as I see myself projecting to myself happy moments in Hong Kong as a way to remind myself of my utter failure to lift myself out of this country, my past and my culture, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with Italy per se and I can take back all judgements and self judgements about myself and Italy in relation to each other so that my experience here doesn't have to be a struggle but can become just like anywhere else, where I can work toward being stable so I can really focus on what matters

When and as I see myself indulging or about to indulge in a moment of sadness for what I lost, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have lost nothing but an energetic feedback from my own investment from my own years spent substantiating Hong Kong as being more than somewhere else and special and breath by breath make sure that here is nothing left tying me to this city as any ties means I am in fact Not Free

I commit myself to let Hong Kong go for good

I commit myself to, whenever a though, a memory, a feeling comes up within me or is about to come up about Hong Kong, to flag it so that I can remind myself that I have walked my SF in relation to this point and my SCS and I just need to now walk them into the physical to make the severing of this ties real and for good

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Day 332: The Lies of Positive Thinking and Law of Attraction

This is going to be a sore blog to write.

It's the story of how I went all the way with Law of Attraction, meaning checked its consistency, because I could at the time, I had plenty money in my pockets and no fear.

For years I had been listening to Abraham Hicks and his teachings, the point that everything had two sides that could be summed up into 'something' or 'the lack of it' was very clear to me, the world existed within a duality frame, Abraham said that The Secret was to just align with what we wanted, do not allow ourselves to focus on the lack of it but just on the object of our desire, and then wait to see how the universe would deliver to us everything we dreamed of - and more.

The theory sustained that the Universe had been keeping a tab of All Our Desires, and was always willing to deliver to everyone what they wanted, they just had to Ask -and it would be given.

As I write this I can see how the whole story is quite lame, with the situation we have in this world believing that the universe would give me 'a parking space' or the money for 'the dress I wanted' was just outlandish, at least in a Universe with any Morality, obviously the Universe would have to keep into account that first It should deliver the Necessities required by All, such as food, water, shelter, I mean, imagine that we were too greedy to put on hold our individual desires or focus on what others are lacking, that they need to survive, FIRST, wouldn't a benevolent Universe be Able to rearrange all requests by Priorities?

I don't know who is in charge of giving out Parking Spaces in Heaven, but wouldn't be logical that Heaven should reassign this 'Angel' to do something more relevant, like giving food to the dying kids in Asia or Africa - or were people in Heaven too specialized in tasks and unable to be redirected - like did they have The Angel of Parking Spaces and the F&B (food and beverage) Angel was so overwhelmed with work that he could not keep up?

How was this theory really working and WHY if we found that this was the way the world operated, didn't we go to Africa to show children that they had to stop focusing on their hunger, they should visualize a BigMac instead or a McMeal, why were we keeping The Secret to ourselves?

So as I said, with plenty money in my pocket I left my job and moved to Thailand where I had the whole day to realign my focus and see if this Law was really a Law of the Universe and committing to, once I had worked out all details, spread the good news - for free.

For months I listened and watched nothing else but Law of Attraction cds and videos, it made so much sense, the questions such as why there is suffering in the world where always cleverly redirected into 'some choose to experience life at the other end of polarity', but of course, why did I not think about it, because already the thinking about this made me feel so much better, silly me, for years I dwelled on the misery of Humanity when in fact it was a CHOICE, Great, I could now move on and stop the lifelong affliction with guilt and shame for the world we live in.

And THAT I did succesfully, so succesfully in fact that I would dodge beggars in the street, afraid that they may contaminate my Mind escrow of positive thinking stuff, because we had to guard our emotions as well, no negative emotions allowed, there was even a chart which would highlight both the emotions we were living and the required process to get out of them, according to the book Ask and It Is Given.

I had plenty of time, I did all the process mentioned, religiously, I could 'pivot' among my emotions riding rampages of appreciation until I would feel good, I mastered that process -and unfortunately shared it with others who suffered like me from anxiety or sadness or worse-, I lived a jet setter life style but the money kept reducing in my bank account, there was no ACTION taken to support the Lie of Energy as Emotions and I had to discover the hard way that NO ACTION means NO MONEY.

If you are still a Believer, take it all the way, prove your Faith in the Law of Attraction and Positive Thinking to yourself, take No Action and watch your Money disappear, there is no way you are going to manifest Money out of thin air because MONEY requires physical movement, it requires participation in reality, unless you have truckloads of Money and then you make your Money work for you, but you see, again, somebody or something has got to work to get the Money!

Moral of my story, both Positive Thinking and Law of Attraction are Hoaxes, they just ride our desire to inflate our lives with unnecessary 'goods' while others live out al the 'bads', we should have realized it by ourselves, there is no way anyone in this world could have chosen some of the horrific lives that are taking place under our very eyes, if we believe it, is because we want to, it's because we look for excuses and justification to why we have it better than some, when you really look at it Positive Thinking is just Evil, it's the Selfish desire to feel good no matter what, in the face of a world where people suffer while we shut them out, come on, if The Secret were real, what would it have cost to the writers of the book to go and share it with those that are starving? Or don't we believe in the Infinite Resources of the Universe, isn't the Universe able to cater for All as long as we align with our desires?

No it's not, it seems pretty obvious with 1/3 of the world living below the Poverty Line, the Earth resources are Finite, what we're pulling out of one side of the equation means some have to go without it, think about it, the poor of this world can't be all pessimists or are they having negative emotions because they found out that this world is designed in a way that will never allow them to take part in it, no matter what, that they don't stand a chance to make it, or to even come to a stability that would allow them and their families to leave in peace?

You know what is The Secret? The Secret is that those that sell us bullshit, about how to make money doing nothing, are liars, and they need the ones who dumbly believe in their words so that They Can Make Money, there this is the Secret, and the why they don't tell us how they made Their Money, because they would have to tell us that they need the naives who will buy any lie they write to support their lifestyle, but they can't -because then we would have a negative emotion and they can't afford the luxury of a negative emotion that could make their house of cards crumble once and for all.

We are the Creators of this world, if we feel bad about it, if we feel shame, there may be reasons, we feel bad because this world is unjust, because many suffer, because we lost ourselves into Mind Games while Life goes unnoticed in the best cases or completely wiped out in the worst cases, so why don't we give up the feeling chart and put our hands on paper for a Human Rights Chart?

We have done it at the Equal Life Foundation, no one says you have to give it all up, but you have to start considering others who have not been born in our same conditions of privilege and start to share what we can while supporting a new system that will guarantee that Life is a Human Right for all, then being Happy may be real, until then we are just Great Pretenders, and the only charts we are on, is the top of the chart of  Human Indifference and Disconnection -and that makes us unworthy of the Life we are not busy guaranteeing to All Others - and then we want to believe in a Universe that would reward this as Benevolence, because we deserve it, because we managed to Feel Good through a Rampage of Appreciation of what we have and others can only dream about? 

Wow, what an achievement...

Time to Wake Up. Life is Waiting.

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