Day 250: Fearing Diminishment through Family Disapproval

Following on my Blog 'From MentaLot to Camelot - Humanity Schizophrenia'.

I had a few incidents lately showing me how much I still care for the approval of my family, in the specific of just my mother, not because I have overcome the other members' approval, just because they are now all dead and so no longer in a position 'to disapprove of me'.

Family Disapproval/Approval is one way in which we keep each other locked into roles, in itself telling another 'I disapprove of You' just because they are not acting out their part within the given guidelines would be hilarious if it were not a way of having everyone around basically align or re-align to one's desire for their own image/part/role playing.

In the case of parents this is mainly to show what a good parent they have been by raising the kind of child everyone would have wanted and not the kind of child for which one parent fears to get the 'pitiful look' from other parents - that look mixed with gloating for being the best parents in the secret 'parents contest', the ones who managed to subjugate their offspring best, more efficiently, having successfully locked them into their preprogrammed track and living to see and make sure that they will stay there forever. Being a parent nowadays is just being Architects of Control, designing structures and limitations for one's children through one's I'm-agination and then trying them on for a fit, when they don't fit, just squeeze the children into it, they'll either go mad or cave in, try, we have proven so far a very high "success" rate.

The first time I was told 'I disapprove of you' I don't remember having a reaction, basically I didn't understand what that implied. My mother always wanted to be a better mother than the one she had -don't they all? don't we all?-, so she made up elaborate ways to deliver the same  she got but in a more liberal way, instead of telling me I was out of line or mocking me with irony, as my grandmother did, she would 'disapprove of me'.

She had to disapprove of me a few times before I got the point that I was supposed to 'feel bad' when she did, that would mean 'I got the message' because no daughter worthy of this name can 'feel good' when she has her mother's disapproval, she could not and neither would I.

I found out lately how much I dislike writing about my mother even though I have done a lot of it, there is always a recurring feeling of betrayal when I do, and this is why as well I deliberately don't dissect some of our conversations to expose the Money point in all its glory, I don't want to see my mother that way, when I do the point of Love goes out of the window and if I question my mother's love for me I am left with no Love at all in my life, can I live love-less?

So, let's walk the self forgiveness regarding the 'Disapproval' point to see how it unfolds.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I dislike writing about my mother to analyze my relationship to her in self honesty because I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a 'traitor' as someone breaking a bond of trust, a circle of trust, without seeing, realizing and understanding that this is how families keep it 'all together' by having their members swearing to secrecy for all the crap that goes on inside them, so we make sure we can never face the point that our dysfunctional world starts at home and through that revert back to all we have been taught to change the origin of ourselves so we may self correct and change the outcome of ourselves to return into alignment to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when first hearing the 'I disapprove of you' from my mother and not being able to contextualize what it meant and hence to miss out on the prompting 'feel bad', move into dismay as I 'waited for instructions' as I was clear I was supposed to be 'doing something' but not what, and for realizing I was supposed to 'feel bad' and then obey and move into 'feeling bad' as a response to disapproval setting the stage for my 'fear of disapproval', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, after realizing that 'I do not approve of you' was a prompting for me to feel bad, to experience fear of disapproval in the anticipation of how I was asked to respond to it, and for accepting myself to live one and equal to the fear of disapproval of my mother and the desire for her approval, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be approved by my mother hoping that I would no longer have to experience the negativity of disapproval and within this for abdicating the responsibility of how I felt about myself/ experienced myself to the prompting of others, to external triggers however declared or implicit, just because I accepted and allowed myself to do so

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I participate in good feelings when I am approved by my mother and as I seek the 'good feeling' as the approval of my mother, to not see realize and understand, that unless I give up 'the pleasure of being approved' I cannot let go of the negativity and negative  emotions surrounding my experience of being disapproved, because they exist within polarity and I can't have the good experience for myself without having the bad experience of myself as disapproved, and for fearing to no longer have access to the good feeling of approval as a badge of my 'right behavior', I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when telling stories to my mother, always change them to make sure they would fall under her seal of approval so I would not have to experience the disapproval and the negative feeling of diminishment of myself that I connected to 'being disapproved of'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my fear of disapproval so much that I created a personality from it, which was the "free spirit free thinker devil may care", when in fact I did care and worried constantly about my mother's approval, having used my mother as the policeman in my head against which I measured every moment of my life to see if it was acceptable/approvable, or how I could change it through storytelling to make it so, to avoid the experience of myself as diminished through my mother's disapproval of me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions that I expected my mother would approve of, not because that was in any way relevant to me as a point of self expression, but because I feared not being approved by her, being dismissed as 'rejected/unacceptable' as I equated my behavior to who I really am and took personally her approval/disapproval of my behavior as the point that would measure the validity/ok-ness of my life experience and of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when considering that I may move abroad again, to run through my mind 'HOW' I will tell my mother in a way she will approve of so I won't have to push against the disapproval and the negative feeling I used to experience when faced with my mother's disapproval of me/my choices for my life, instead of letting go both the desire for her approval and the fear of her disapproval for good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when sharing about Desteni, to pick and choose what is share-able as in what will give me her approval and not create conflict, which could be common sense, but it's a common sense I have invalidated by disempowering my starting point of fear of disapproval, which stands in the way of really seeing what I can share while maintaining stable relationships in my outside world vs what I share as a way to seek approval/acceptance to validate myself and my existence

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval and my mother's 'negative' comments about my Life and my choices and what I could have done better/differently according to her, to create a chatterbox personality that I embody just so I won't have to share anything that is relevant to myself and my life for real for the purpose of both entertaining her and keeping her off subject that I perceive as unsharable as in topics that would then expose me to her approval and disapproval for which I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a Pavlovian response for which I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of this fear of Disapproval, design a Chatterbox personality with which I can entertain my mother on subjects/topics of no importance/relevance, so that I won't have to expose topics that I care about and face the fear of her disapproval and the negative experience I have associated to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing about my mother into the nitty gritty of our relationship, because I fear exposing the truth of our relationship as 'the most important relationship of my life' because if I did dig into it then I would have to face how the 'family love' is nothing but manipulation through issues that are money related, and it has to be because if it were not we couldn't explain the money system outside as ruthless and unforgiving if we had not started this system within as our FamiLies, where Fear was covered with Love and Money was never mentioned if not as a reminder of 'all the good that was done for me' as an IOU, making the family the foundation of the Debt system, making sure we wouldn't break free because we are indebted, born indebted, raised indebted, and for accepting my Life as an IOU and for then issuing other UOM (You Owe me) to others as a result, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when asked about who I will vote for this Political elections and my mother said 'she disapproved of my vote' to feel bad and diminished as if my decision was not 'sound' because was Not aligned to her approval and for then moving to suppress this diminishment through backchat as in 'you don't know shit, you deserve this government, you have your head stuck up your ass' as an attempt to diminish her so I could feel better about myself by bringing her down to the level where I accepted and allowed to drag myself through 'her disapproval of me' and for accepting my backchat about others in moments when I feel diminished instead of flagging the point and breathing through it to address it in writing to self correct, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother's disapproval can diminish me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that only I can diminish myself by believing that I am the feeling/emotions and thoughts I participate in as an automated response, instead of no longer accepting my participation in emotional constructs I have played out just because I accepted and allowed myself to believe it's easier to go on autopilot than to self direct myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when in the process of making a decision to check if that decision stands within my mother's potential approval, instead of seeing realizing and understanding I was never seeking her approval per se, if not as a positive energy experience but the escape from the disapproval I connected to a negative experience of myself, and for connecting other people's disapproval of me to a negative experience and for taking it personally, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the approval of others to a 'positive energy experience' in which I feel validated and OK, and for seeking this validation of myself outside of myself, externally, in separation from myself, instead of standing in and as the validation of myself in unconditional self acceptance as I walk my process of self correction, I forgive myself

 

When and as I see myself seeking the approval of my mother or any other by how I am wording a sentence, preparing to tell a story, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I will have to breathe through my fear of disapproval to correct myself until I no longer experience a reaction to other people's disapproval of me and I can stand stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of being disapproved as I anticipate how I will experience myself negatively, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical to no longer accept fear of disapproval or desire for approval to move me instead of me directing myself

I commit myself to investigate the point of desire for approval and fear of disapproval until I no longer react or take it personally, to realign myself to what is best for me as best for all, for myself and all of existence Equal and One 

Related articles

• Day 197: Evil in Childhood - Under-Standing Money
• Day 243: Stopping the Fami-Lies Inside
• 165 - Personalities to Blame You With
• Day 249: From MentaLot to Camelot - Schizophrenic Humanity

Day 242: Have you Kowtowed to Your Family Today?

Since one is required by Confucian philosophy to show great reverence to one's parents and grandparents, children may also be required to kowtow to their elderly ancestors, particularly on special occasions. For example, at a wedding, the marrying couple was traditionally required to kowtow to both sets of parents, as acknowledgement of the debt owed for their nurturing. KowTow (Wikipedia)

One week ago, last time I saw my mum we had a chat.

This time when she said "I'm so glad we had this Honest chat and cleared things up and isn't it wonderful to be able to talk?", I felt a point of irritation.

The point was relative to the fact that Self Honesty should be Normal and I am now becoming aware of all the times she points it as flags of how abnormal our relationships have always been.

Today I listened to the Anu's talk 'Love and Hate' which was specifically about Family and Friends relationships and how much Hatred exists in every household, I did not react to that at all, I was always aware of this point within my family, some of the things that went on when I was a child and later on could be called Love only by demented psychopaths and yet we keep the games up, we tell each other 'is your family after all' AS IF that should count for something, which in fact it does, it counts for all of us as a collective keeping up the lies, pretending that everything we do within the Family is laced with good intentions even when it's clearly not so.

Two weeks ago during Christmas lunch and then during this 'most honest chat' three things came up, the first was when my mum praised me for having become thrifty, as if I had a choice in the matter, to which I responded that I am thrifty ONLY because I am not turning Money and she replied 'oooh what a silly joke you just made, you are walking a very dangerous line', we both understood immediately what she meant, which was 'I won't give you the half of the house money if we sell it IF I am afraid you may spend it on something I basically do not approve of'. I felt myself flush and then worked to not reply, obviously through my old friend, suppression and a bit of breathing too.

Two days later on the phone she made a joke about this ex boyfriend that came back to my 'Mind' who lives in Ireland and she had already given me a speech about 'equality' -yes because parents//family are so fucking clever, they'll find the new language you are aligning to and then proceed to use it against you- specifying that the next partner I should choose would have to contribute 'equally' to the household, for those who lack the experience to translate mother's language this means 'he has to pay his fair share, whatever you do' this rose from a point of fear because when she asked 'what does he do' and I said he told me he writes and writes song, she moved into calculating the monetary equivalent of his lifestyle and was not satisfied with it, as artist equals penniless and as we know, parents are the first upholders of the Money System or honestly, how would we learn all this Money Crap without their help?

Of course she was not satisfied that I got the message, so during one of our phone calls she went back on the topic and said '..because I am not selling MY house to support a musician of any sort', here something interesting happened, because I did react but I was not sure to what, at the moment I thought I reacted to her fucking endless interference and applied self forgiveness for it until I felt cleared.

But, when we had our 'honest chat' and she raised the point of the joke I made about not having REALLY turned into a thrifty scrooge, I said 'honesty for honesty' that I didn't enjoy the joke she made either as that made me feel that I am always dependent on getting this fair share of the house only if she approves of what I do, which is unacceptable, she denied making that joke, she said she THOUGHT about it but was very careful to not voice it out, I told her since I am no Mind reader and I heard it you must have voiced it out and then deleted the fact that you did, like so many of our exchanges which contributed to me thinking I was just crazy and attempting to develop less "crazy-no crazy" personalities to make up for my flaws both in memory -obviously, since no one was ever accountable for what they said, while blaming each other for making it up, not hearing right, or not having a sense of humor -my very favorite- and within the interactions with Family.

Then she said 'well if we talk about nasty jokes I made another one you may not have picked up on' and I said 'which one?' And she said the one about 'selling MY house...' then it dawned on me, I knew I reacted but I had not seen the loaded meaning, the Intent to harm, when she said that I felt a moment of deflating inside, like the castle of cards of family goodness and protection rolling and tumbling once more, because let's face it and I can gladly say I have done this for years, Families are plain Nasty, they just have different degrees of Nastiness and different weapons.

My mum's and the rest of my family was always MONEY, but hei, wait a minute, isn't it the same for us all, aren't we all keeping each other Prisoners of this fucking Money System and it must start within the Family, where else?

During our honest chat she proceeded as well to remind me that, when I bought my first tiny apartment in Milan, she anticipated to me the equivalent of 8000 euros of today, this was 25 years ago, she said it was all the Money she had and that I never thanked her for giving me that Money because I believed that I gave it back when in fact I gave back only the money of the absurd mortgage she had me subscribe that charged me the equivalent of 280 euros when I was earning 320, she made that choice on my behalf so I would have paid less interests (?) which drove me to not being able to repay it AT ALL and have to go and work as a live in nanny in a rich Jewish family to make sure my living costs would be covered, that someone would feed me and pay for electricity, gas and water and when she was satisfied that I "suffered" enough, she gave me the money to extinguish the mortgage so I could return to a 'normal ' life of office slavery and go back to my home in the evenings. I paid back every penny of that, we seem to agree on that point.

Apparently I forgot to tell her Thank You, for the advance money that she never asked back, what a fucking Shame! So I said Thank You for the nth time, it just seems that this Thank You doesn't stick, no matter how many times she brought up this point and I said I was sorry for not remembering THAT point and Thank You, because come on, there was Money involved and when Money is involved you are asked to subscribe to Slavery forever, starting with families, and they plan and plot on how to never let you go, they willingly hold on to credits to make sure they can one day remind you 'everything they did for you' which has a value in the Debt/Credit system, and the awesome beauty of it, is you have to live in FEAR because only they know when they plan to call back the Credits and use them against you, to push you back into your Debtor position, to turn you into a living IOU to keep you toeing the line, unless you see that they are just looking for your kowtow and your acceptance of your subordinate position within the Family System and then the Outer Bigger System within the Money Game.

It would be better if we realized the Family point, if we found the balls to challenge our relationships within the Family to see them for what they really are, they are a breeding ground for Slaves, not a Safe Haven, not the Solace from an unjust World,  Families is where the Architects of Control have been delegated by the System to pass on our limited views of reality, to make sure nothing changes. 

My Mum kowtowed to my grandparents for Money and those Imaginary well documented Filial debts, shouldn't she ask I do the same, when is Her turn if not Now?

It is up to us to break those chains forever more, if it's too late for our parents we can still make it and break those links to not allow the dis-ease that Humanity has become to be passed on, we break the enslaving chains of dis-eases deleting all ledgers of Credits and Debts within Our Inner to change the Outer to Let Life Break Free, once and for All.

Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow with Self Corrective Statements.