For the past week I have realized that I fear Life and living, extensively.
Maybe it was not such a bad idea when I gave myself horror dreams, at least I made sleep a place into which I did not want to hide, as it was worse than my life by far.
Yet in the past week I have fallen back into the pattern of I don't care, have never gone out for a walk or have done something physical, I just spent my day on the web dragging myself from one depression to another.
I am struggling with letting go all of the 'good feelings' and ideas I had about this world, I kinda liked 'Love' after All, it was a good place to hide, now I feel like a lab rat, I have nowhere to go and I am the mad scientist experimenting with my Mind, because I still associateand define myself and everything I do with and through my Mind.
My Mind has been a Huge Lifelong Investment, I have put in it knowledge and Information, Ideas and Beliefs and basically everything that I need to define myself and others, because I have for sure not yet let go of that need, it was so handy to scan someone and be able to put them in a box, having read, or believed to have read, efficiently the signs that would allow me to define 'who was who' and mainly what they were after, because I have I go this early, everyone is always after something, this is what our relationship are based on, they are for-getting Relationships, I was always one for-getting that I was moving into this world as a predator, seeing what I could get out of others and fearing what they would get out of me.
This week I have been catching up with Anu, again, some recordings are uplifting, some are depressing, not that Anu is doing anything To Me, it's ME, judging everything I hear, filing it under 'good' or 'bad', under favourable or contrary to some beliefs I held about myself and existence as a whole.
The one that I have not been able to digest for now is Anu's The Mind as a Spider Web, I found it diminishing and then I went on a saddy-go-round in my head about what is the purpose of what we are doing, why even try, why not just die and be deleted, who wants to live forever ?
Because for sure for what I have equated life up to now, living forever would be the least appealing thing I could be offered, I used to look at Death as Solace, the final break, OK, we get to live the shitty Life here, but then we move on to something better.
What if this is As Good as it Gets ?
I feel like crying, in fact I feel like the crying baby that Anu described in Either Life or Death , I am having a Mind tantrum, in a way I see the point he makes that is in fact a 'good place to be' as I have exhausted all options to be rescued to get out of here or to manipulate myself or others, I am here and I see that it's either me standing up for change or change won't happen.
Interesting because I have already faced this point with Pot, until one day Marlen told me that it was NOT going to happen that I would just magically drop it, as if the writing and the self forgiveness was a magic wand that when waved long enough I would just see the results, it was an act of Self Will that it was needed.
Self Will ? Never had that before, I actually prided myself in the idea that 'The Flesh is weak' and what 'can we do' but succumb to the desires and play outs of the Mind.
Yet, once I GOT THAT, I willed myself to stop, and it was not hard at all, because I had laid out the ground with SF and writing and then I just had to DO IT.
So here I am at the same point again, and now I am aware of this point that I resisted writing out because, it won't make Process look good for others, as if I should be a Saint showing that I am all resolved and look how far I have gone.
No, process is me living out the corrections, especially the ones I do not want to talk about as me shuffling my feet around, hoping to go back to sleep, just doing the minimum necessary to make sure I am alive but far from living, so back to Self Will, I will myself to stop the way I have lived until now, it's not a matter of how long have I lived like this (because this is another one of my favourite Mind trick, putting everything in a Time context, to PROVE that it will take time to undo what I have done for so long), yet I gave up smoking pot in one single act of self will after 25 years, after dedicating my life to Pot as a lover, a friend, a companion I would never give up, I gave it up.
So, stopping the cry baby in and as me and getting on with living, because really, there is nowhere further down to go from Here and beLieving that I cannot stand up is ridiculous and just an excuse for me to walk away from facing consequences.
Yes, I dislike consequences, I have made a run from almost all of the consequences I should have faced in my life, yet they always caught up with me, so here I am, facing the con-sequences of my existence, standing up to change my excuse of a life for living, supporting myself in and as Breath until I stop existing as a Mind System, returning myself to the Physical and Substance to give myself what I waited for all my life to be given by others, real self care and self support while I accept myself unconditionally whatever comes up so I can move in and as self correction and stop looking to be given, granted and gifted what I am not willing to give myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conveniently forget that Self Will is required for me to stop the patterns of laziness I have existed in and as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself for how ineffective my life has turned out to be , instead of seeing it's just as effective as I decide to make it, life is not happening to me, I am accepting and allowing patterns of behaviour to drive me instead of self directing myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what we are facing is too big and too extensive to be tackled while having a life, instead of seeing that the point of Process is to in fact get to have a Life that I have never had before
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what lies ahead of us as humanity as I look around and see no awareness that there is something flawed with the world but acceptance of the world as it is, instead of seeing that I fear my own acceptances and allowances of me as I am, having supported the idea and belief that I am unable to change and that people don't change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people don't change making it unnecessarily more difficult for me to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire change to happen to me instead of standing up as Self Change through Self Will, One Breath at the time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in Mind tantrums as a way to justify why I feel damned, instead of seeing no one has damned me but myself, having con-damned myself to live a life of abusive patterns when I could have stopped and stood up for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a world without Love, because I enjoyed boarding the Love Boat even if occasionally as a point of Solace and now that I gave up Love for Life I don't get the same feel good/energetic reward and I feel I have been had by my choice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to motivate myself through energetic rewards of either feelings/emotions, money or sex, to DO something instead of standing up and Will myself as my own Self Directive Principle, to do what I can see needs to be done for me to stand as Self Correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad about letting Love go and for all the Love Posts that I read within our groups that I judge as if we were bashing Love and diminishing it, instead of seeing I feel sad to let go a long term delusion I have enjoyed to define myself with, so I could believe to be 'good' and loving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good and for using the empty word of 'Love' to get away with anything I did because ultimately, I was a loving person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a good and loving person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting Love go because when the idea of Love is gone from this world I am left with the world as it is, a place of suffering that needs to be corrected not with Love but with giving to each other what we would like to receive, which is a dignified Life for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life believing that Life is what I have done so far, and that if THIS is Life the last thing I want is to live forever
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loneliness of me as The Mind in which I allow myself to dwell in separation from Self as Life and everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel depressed instead of realizing and seeing that depression is a choice I make so as to justify why I am not standing up through an act of Self Will and changing myself into an effective Human being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Eternal Life because I fear I may have to exist like this forever walking backward the consequences of a life of abuse of myself and others until I undo what I have created while seeking self gratification and self satisfaction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I will never be happy until I commit to something greater than me which is to bring about a World that is Best for All where Life can be born and the suffering of our separation can end for all of existence, One and Equal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing that I am going through a rough patch because I fear what others will give me as a feedback, which is that I am going through my own created rough patch and that it doesn't need to be this way, unless I make the choice to struggle through process because I do not support myself effectively in and as Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being told what I already know but don't want to act on because Change is Difficult
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated when I read some comments of our Group stating exactly this, that change is difficult only if we believe it is and make it so, because I fear they may say this to me and I know this already but I rather embrace the belief that Change is difficult so I can justify why I don't change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ineffective instead of seeing I have done this before in my life, to accumulate ineffectiveness to rock bottom and from rock bottom make the change, when now I see I could teach myself to stop the rock bottoming of my life as a push for change, if I become effective with the Self Will action of willing myself to do something and being the self Directive Principle of My Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear becoming effective at Self Will, in fear I won't have anything to hide behind anymore and that whenever I don't change I will clearly only have myself to blame for, while now I can blame patterns and time I engaged in them for my being ineffective
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing a point that was really important for me to write out because I withhold my self support in favour of an Image I like to project about myself as someone who is walking diligently and not mind fucking myself consistently
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others about my mindfucks instead of seeing I just fear my own self judgement about my not being effective in standing up in and as Self Correction, to finally do what is best for me and what is best for All, One and Equal
When and as I see myself postponing a necessary change of a pattern that is not supportive for me, like laziness and shuffling around without a purpose, I stop, Breathe, support myself by writing a diary of an effective day and then stick to it so I can make this change happen as I have done before, no longer delaying what I see requires to be done
When and as I see myself desiring to disappear from the world, in the hope I will not have to face myself, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I am here and there is nowhere to go and so I just have to get on with my self correction because what I dread is eternity WITH ME, which means I have to change this ME into what I can stand in and as for eternity
I commit myself to change this pattern of being ineffective at life that I allow myself to drag me into pits of despair, while I could just stand up and through Self Will, will myself to Change into an effective Human Being, without a motivation or a reward, to which I have patterned myself to, but through my own Self Directive principle to do what is best for me and best for All
I commit myself to stop my justifications about why I can always change tomorrow and instead stand up Here in Breath to make this Change happen so I will stop fearing living as a play out of self abuse and self suppressing patterns and start living.