I have experienced myself as depressed lately, everything I am involved in, including Process I perceive it as depressing, as taking 'the life out of me'.
Which is a point to look at because I have to drag myself through process instead of flowing with it.
So the thoughts that are underlying this feelings of depression are :
why did it have to be me to wake up, why couldn't I just keep living my life and enjoy myself, make some money and just live day by day ?
Why aren't others waking up, why do I have to look around at 'succesful happy' lives when I have to now live a shitty life chained to this process forever ?
Why are other people's life working and they seem to have everything and I have nothing ?
What is the purpose of all this if no one else wakes up and I have 'wasted' my life sitting down writing endlessly without an outcome ?
When is the outcome/reward going to come ?
I will never be able to learn to tango again, because tango is a system dance that portrays a relationship between man and woman that is not best for all, because is NOT based on Equality.
My life is over, I will never be joyful again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with others looking for signs that they may be waking up so as to not feel I am alone in this shit hole that I have defined as life and the waking up from the slumber
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress these thoughts and points because they are not noble and I don't want to expose them and be judged like an insensitive bitch because half of the world is suffering and I am lost in my petty thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others and my own judgement of myself for my thoughts and feelings that leads to me fearing exposing myself and within this I forgive myself for fearing to expose myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to compare my shitty existence to others and have them have one too, so we can be Equal in the awaking to this shit hole that this world has become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this world as a shit hole as in negative, instead of seeing it is just what it is and has become as the Manifested Consequences of our existence of separation, self interest and fear of survival and not accepting the world as it is is Equal and One to not accepting me as I am while walking myself to correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous and envious of the ones whose lives are apparently working, because my life is not and I am not sure what living is yet, except for what I defined living as, which is go to work, make money, work hard and play hard
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to use the word jealous and envious because these are the worse feelings and thoughts one can engage in, according to Jack, yet this is what I am going through at the moment and I can own it or try the sweeping under the carpet, which has proved to never work before
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as so bad for entertaining these thoughts and feelings, accepting these thoughts and feelings to be me until I stand and in self honesty say that I have engaged them but they are not who I am as Life, just who I am as the Mind Consciousness System I have accepted and allowed myself to become on my way to Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself effectively, because like Paul I want to live the delusion that I made progress and I am fine and stable and that I see the change while in fact I see that I am not stable or fine and that my physical application has NOT become one of unconditional self support yet while I hold extensive judgements about myself as I am on my walk to nothingness in self correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to go back to my 'idea of a life' which has never proved to be Life but me just getting by, getting high and drunk and calling it 'fun' in my free time when I was not Chained to a desk to make money for my own survival
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as work hard and play hard, because now that I am not doing either I don't feel 'alive' anymore, instead of seeing and realizing that I have never been Alive as I have never experienced myself in and as the physical if not as a point of friction and separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the physical to the point that I have just only recently discovered I have hands, two, I am my hands, while I still live in separation from all other parts of my body that I am walking to become One and Equal to, including my sense of taste and smell
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a Reward, an Outcome for walking myself to Nothingness, plus a schedule to know EXACTLY how long it will take, so I can make plans in my mind about how to tackle this at best, because I have spent my life scheduling and planning everything for my desired Rewards and Outcomes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a desire for an experience of going to Buenos Ayres to learn to Tango, because I have identified Buenos Ayres as Lively and basically because I have travelled the world looking for the liveliness/Life of me that I could never find and so I held on to Buenos Ayres as the experience I have missed out on that would have given me the Life I am seeking, instead of seeing and realizing that the Life I am seeking is Here in every moment of Breath and I am the One that has to Give it to Myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to learn to Tango as an extra weapon to my seduction curricula, in which I have defined Tango as the perfect relationship men want, where the woman is submissive but Hot and just waiting/begging to 'be taken'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define Tango as lively/Life which I now see it was Life=Sex and high energetic build up experiences, in which I believe Life was to be found, in which I saw the value of being desired as a way to give myself value and the Life I have missed which has always been Here in the simplicity of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself about wanting to learn to tango, when what I always wanted was SEX and a million ways to secure it and for equating Tango to SEX in the way I like it, where the male is dominant, and I am just dragged along, pushed against walls for sex that comes after desire has been built up through tango as foreplay, in which I can be possessed by a man and fulfill my dreams
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex as possession, in which a man possesses me, in which I am not an Equal with Equal responsibility for my own sexual expression, but I leave it up to him, to take over and possess me so I can feed over his desire for me as value that I gain
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that desire=possession=value, instead of seeing I was just possessed by a desire for value having separated myself from my own self worth and self value Here as Life in every moment of Breath
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel let down by the experience of Breathing as Life, as in lacking an energetic experience where I should FEEL something special, more, instead of seeing and realizing that am still trying to superimpose on Life what I have defined Life by, which is excitement and energy movements as what I felt when engaging in thoughts of anticipation of experiences to come, to be had, through which I defined what life is, missing Life Here in Breath as stability One and Equal to everything that exists
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define Life as experiences, in which I would go and seek for continuously new experiences to quench this thirst that led me to harm myself and others, seeking to FEEL ALIVE, instead of realizing Life is NOT an experience or a feeling of 'being alive' as that is a definition of me as The Mind while Life seeks for nothing as it is enough onto itself as Life, Here in every moment of Breath
When and as I see myself desiring or about to move into the desire for -an experience, that will build up a sense of dissatisfaction for me just being Here, I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, remind myself Life is NOT an experience that needs an outcome or a reward, but Life is the expression of Self in Self Honesty, here in every moment of Breath standing One and Equal for What is Best for All.
I commit myself to keep walking out of my ideas and beliefs of what LIFE IS, so that nothing remains as a definition of Life but Life itself Here in every moment of Breath