Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 75: Don't add-vice me, I KNOW What I am doing

Yesterday I had an Energetic reaction when I perceived someone trying to advise me about something.
I have associated advices to feeling ineffective and stupid as I used to have to sit through lectures about my Life and the best ways to live it, my experience of advices is of something that has always been given to me when I displayed that I had NOT been effective in doing/tackling something, which brought up feelings of uselessness and guilt.
Plus many times the point of the advice was spot on with what I had NOT in fact been effective in dealing with, not given my all and so as soon as I would perceive someone trying to advice me, I would move into resistance and then defense to protect my stance and to do this I move into wanting to show the other that their lives are not sorted out to the point that they CAN infact give advices to me, basically what I always mean with whatever I say after receiving an advice is 'Mind your fucking business and look at Your own Life'.
Within this reaction I miss out on hearing what the other is actually saying as a point with which I could support myself because I simply do not want to say, yes I have not given my all and maybe look at why and if not willing to give it now for a particular reason just be self honest about it, so the pressure to hide the point and the desire to make up stories about it would stop, instead I have to uphold the story that I believe  makes me look best, in the specific this point is about looking for a job, I know I have not given my best to it for a list of reasons I don't even want to disclose to myself and I will be investigating today so I can write about it in my blog tomorrow.
But for now the point is 'don't give me advices', as I perceive it as criticism that means I am NO good, I am a failure, this exacerbate if I have the perception that I owe something to someone, for example, if my mum lends me Money, then I HAVE TO sit through the advice, as she bought the 'advice time' for herself by me making myself dependent and so I have to clench my teeth and just get on with it to pay back my due, at least in listening and agreeing that' yes I have not been effective or I would not have needed to take Money support from you'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a reaction when I perceive or believe someone is about or is advising me about something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into a stance of self defence as soon as I perceive I am being advised and thus considered/criticised/judged as NOT effective good in my application about a specific point in my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to NOT be advised to prove that I am doing well/good and I am worthy and not useless as I perceive myself when I am being advised

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone shows that they are not effective I have a right to advise them bringing myself as an example of how to do/solve a point just to make myself feel superior to the person that I judge inferior for not being effective in managing themselves or a specific point in their life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to fail to see that I perceive others as superior when they advise me because I have myself used 'advising' as a way to make myself more/better than the one I perceived needing to be advised about something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to sit through long advice sessions when I was a kid and a teenager and perceived myself being taught//told things that were not good for me as in What is Best for All as they usually addressed points of how the Family was special and I would have to have SPECIAL care and consideration for the family but not for anyone else 'out of that door' as I felt physically uncomfortable sitting at the round table of my indoctrination without ever standing up for myself and within this I forgive myself for not standing up for and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger for the family indoctrination system and for myself when I just kept quiet and went through the motion of sitting absorbing the sins of the fathers as my way of life because I perceived I had no choice and I would have to sit through these session to secure the benevolence of my grandparents and access to the Money/support they may be giving to me later on in Life in time of needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent family advice from people who were far from sorted out and for either moving into defeat and acceptance of indoctrination from my grandparents from whom I had hopes to gain something in the future to come, or into the polarity of rebellion with my mother who did not display signs of sanity and she didn't even have money to make up for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate advice to criticism to me NOT being good and feeling exposed in my NON goodness and for desiring to take the other down with me, because if I am NO GOOD you still have to prove YOU ARE good before you can give ME an advice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use advices to make others feel inferior, not effective, NOT GOOD, so that from their fall it would be easier for me to manipulate them into the behavior I wanted and desired from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for weaknesses in other people's lives and to file them as points I could always rebuff them with in case they would have the very bad idea to try and point out TO ME something in which I was not effective, but I had my own list stashed away of stuff they were not effective at or assumptions of things they may have NOT been effective in the past due to my own judgements and categorizations of them as 'specific types of Human beings' who have specific types of flaws, ending up not only never listening to another but never even seeing who they are because as soon as I met someone I busied myself with looking for their faults and weaknesses to store as weapons for future possible use to protect/defend myself and my stances, even when my stances were just make belief and simply fake

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to blame another when I move into reactions after an advice or an attempt that I perceive as an advice to come, in which I move into guilt and shame and uselessness and then BLAME, because if they had not raised that point that MAKES ME react I would not have reacted, instead of seeing that moving into guilt/shame and uselessness is my own doing of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as within my own self judgement of myself having done something wrong that is NOT pleasing to others and now I will have to endure being Add-viced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive advices as something diminishing, because if I were good and doing good I would not NEED to be advised, and therefore I am BAD and doing BAD and I need someone to come and tell me and show me the way out of my badness because I was not good enough to find it by myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD when I am not doing something giving it all my best because when I was in primary school the teacher always called my mother to say 'I could do so much more' and I knew I could, I just did not want to because my doing enough kept me at par with my class, surviving by just listening to the lessons and never really applying myself giving it all my best, because if I did I would have to apply myself to things I had absolutely no interest for, like history or geography topics that exposed me as someone who just did not study as there was nothing to understand there, failing to see that I was molding myself into the personality of someone who only does what she likes and wants and everything else I leave it behind because it is of no interest for me or I do not care for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as someone who will only do what she likes/pleases instead of putting my whole into anything I do as a measure of me as Who I Am and want to be as a self responsible Human Being and not a measure of the task at hand, which is irrelevant as it has been measured by me/The Mind through my own judgements of what is worthier and what is less worthy of my attention or application, based on distorted value systems I have accepted and allowed and lived as me, as in what 'grabs my attention' as worthier that what it doesn't, failing to see I was just stating that I needed external stimulation to become interested or to apply myself in and as something because I did not have Self Will or Self Directive Power to equally apply myself unconditionally to anything that I tackled in every moment of Breath for myself and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I only do as I like and as I please because I perceived myself as paralyzed within this reality and Victimized by this Life and this World and so my ONLY way to get some space for myself was through NOT applying myself to fit in, living on the edge of excellence in fear that excellence would translate in my total final submission to this world and the system, while I instead CLEVERLY resisted by making myself ineffective enough to just get by and disappear in fear of standing out as an accomplished 'giver up'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Italy with this desire to not excell and just get by, because now that I am back in Italy I walked back into my old way of approaching myself and the world around me, making myself ineffective as a way to rebel to the system in my silent 'fuck you', which is in fact a fuck me because I can only get what I am willing to give to myself and unless I move into my maximum effectiveness me and the world one and Equal won't move or change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent school as a place of advices, where every clever cookie that was older than me could come up to me and lecture me about Life and How Things Are, when in the specific in my Primary school, they knew fuck all about Life and How Things Are, having given up Life and How things Are for the sheltered Life of the Monastery that I perceived protected them from all the Evil in and of the World and kept them apart from the everyday reality we live on the outside of the Monastery Walls

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance to advices when in Primary school I was forced to have weekly meetings with a priest about my family where my mum was divorced and lived with another man and the priest would be digging for problems I did not have or perceive about my family situation until I did have them and then though 'so much for the freaking advice' and decided advices are just a waste of time and mostly people don't even know what they are taking about and for sure, they never take their own advice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into Spite when I believe I identify a moment of 'advice coming' and my body tenses and my stomach knots up and I move into attack mode, looking for the words that may hurt the other or push him/her off the Advice Pedestal I have imagined in my Mind they have stepped onto, instead of seeing and realizing that it is me moving them onto a Pedestal in the moment I move into the personality of the Recipient of the Advice by inferiorizing myself, instead of breathing and hearing what the other person is REALLY saying that could in fact benefit and support me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist hearing another when I imagine that they are about or are advising me, in fear that I will move into inferiority and then will find reasons to attack, instead of seeing I can change this behaviour by breathing and seeing what are the points that I react about and if the points the other person is making look to find out if I have in fact NOT been effective and if NOT WHY I have NOT been effective and how I can correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I feared advices, instead of seeing and realizing I never feared advices but my own reactions to them as I move and engage into the inferiority/superiority construct, while trying desperately to blame this movement on the other instead of investigating why and how I have designed myself to react through my own acceptances and allowances, so I can correct myself and in fact benefit from the unconditional sharing of another

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a reaction for something I perceive I am being advised about or about to be advised about, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to move in and as the reaction because when I react I am in fact NOT HERE and NOT HEARING what the other is saying or offering as an unconditional sharing and support, instead I breathe so I can bring myself HERE and HEAR what the other is offering as a point I can unconditionally consider without judging myself as ineffective for not having seen it/considered it or faced it by myself without external support

I commit myself to learn to HEAR others and what they are really saying beyond the filters of my own Mind of Thoughts, Memories, Ideas and Beliefs based on previous experiences, which are NOT real, through consistent breathing to bring myself back HERE to start to HEAR for Real.

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