Today I faced, yet again, the issue of being Absolutely Right.
Since I joined Desteni, today something came up with a friend that in the past I would have rejoiced about, an opportunity to take on a crusade because it was obvious, I was totally, absolutely, undeniably right.
Which was of course the reason why I moved into Anger.
Yet, when I looked at the whole story a few points emerged, first this is a friend that recently came to visit me and for which I wrote a dis-honest blog called Friends as Self Abuse.
I say it was dishonest because I did kinda try to take back the blame, but then I didn't, because, just like this point, I could PROVE I was right, absolutely.
When I chatted with my buddy that walks with me through the DesteniIProcess, and brought up this point, she told me to write it out because I was still 'blaming my friend' and that was a sign I had not taken full responsibility for what went on between us.
It turned out to be a 9 page issue, but I saw the end of it as I moved from 'I'll never invite her back' to actually feeling ashamed and then standing up from this Shame to just see this is Who I am in the Process of correcting Myself.
Yet the issue that I have not been self honest to write THAT post and publish it and missed out on an opportunity to support myself AND my friend Equal and One to see what this process is about, haunted me a little.
Today this friend sent me back something she held for me, which I originally told her she could keep, a zapper, so even the fact that she sent it back I could have seen it as something nice she did for me, instead I focused on the points that she sent my old straps and not the new straps I left behind, and too few of my cards (I had over 30 and she sent me 4, this cards costed 10 euro each more or less), in this point I felt the abuse and moved into anger.
Yet when I talked this out with myself and saw that I felt the rightful anger based on a judgement based on my assumption that she may be angry at me because of the post I wrote that I knew she would read, I saw that I was in fact angry at myself for not having corrected that point, even when I saw it clearly and owned up to it, I did not want to publish it because I was ashamed.
In the moment I saw this, my anger stopped and I stopped being the rightful person I have been forever giving up my desire to take on the pen, as my weapon, and set the record straight, because if I should have taken on the pen, it should have been just for this purpose, to correct myself when I am Right, because there is no Right or Wrong, but our play outs in and as The Mind in the Blaming Game of avoiding Self responsibility. So, the next time I am Right, I remind myself, correct Me when I am Right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have been right in my Life instead of seeing Right is just a polarized expression of me in my attempt of making someone Wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume things about my friend who sent me back something just so I could experience that I was now right because I have written out my self responsibility about our meeting but had not posted it to correct the previous stance I have taken regarding the time we spent together, instead I let my old stance linger so I could still have her believe I was right
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was angry at her, instead of seeing I was angry at myself for not having corrected this point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right so someone else gets to be wrong and gets the Blame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as wrong and myself as right so I can believe I am more than them in my righteous stance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire 'to set the record straight' with others so they too can see I am right and they are wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one is either right or wrong, instead of realizing that once I am self responsible for myself there is no right and wrong but common sense that all can see and share, or not, but it's not personal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for 'who is responsible' as a way of life, so the Blame can be placed on someone that is possibly not me because I fear being blamed and feeling diminished by other people's judgement that I am the one who is wrong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong because being right has more value than being wrong and I have been seeking for value al of my life in separation from me as self value and self trust in self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful because I did not post my correction to my original post so I could still enjoy a point of blaming someone else for what happened between me and them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having written out a post in which I did not take full responsibility, instead of seeing I have made my correction with myself and just did not post it, so I will attach my corrective post to this one to stand by what I have seen and realized about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not post the correction post withholding a chance for self support and a chance to support my friend, Equal and One, in showing what this process is really about instead of taking long and convoluted loops tryint to explain Desteni and what it is that we are doing in fear that she would mock me and diminish me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be diminished by another instead of seeing that all diminishments are self diminishments due to my own judgements of myself as competing for the 'right' or 'wrong' title in this competitive world, One and Equal as me, of Blame allocation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being mocked for applying self forgiveness because I have not yet found the right words to express the self forgiveness point, instead of seeing I can just be the self forgiveness of myself and others and stand as The Process I am living as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others in my quest for the allocation of Blame in fear of being blamed, without seeing I am and have always been the one to blame myself instead of seeing a miss-take and standing up in and as self correction
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and others for the reactions that I have experienced, instead of being self responsible for every reaction that happens in and as me stopping all projections and blame on myself and others
When and as I see myself about to move or moving into the 'I am Right' Stance, I remind myself that when I am Right, I am not Left, which means I am into a polarity position, I Stop, Breathe, remind myself I no longer wish to live in and as polarities of the Mind and that I am bringing myself back to the Physical, breath by Breath, to stop all frictions and competitions within myself
When and as I see myself attempting to prove that on some points I am objectively, absolutely right, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no objectivity in and as the Mind but my own self interest trying to play out to make someone else wrong to allocate the Blame that I fear will fall on me, instead I stop my participation in and as the Blame Game and when I see a Miss-Take, I stop, Breathe, Self correct and keep walking
I commit myself to stop my participation in the Right and Wrong Game of polarity, reminding myself noone needs to be wrong unless I need to be right and that every time I believe 'I am Right', I have to correct myself to stop my participation in and as polarity and realign to What is best for All in Oneness and Equality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my friend as stingy because she came empty handed and I understood that she was sending the cellulite cream FOR ME, while she planned to send it from an Italian manufacturer to my home FOR HER, so I assumed she had a present for me and when she had nothing for me, I felt she did not care because I have accepted and allowed myself to associate to be cared for with ‘being given something’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people care ‘they must give me something’ because when I care I give them something to show that I care, having accepted and allowed myself to believe that caring is about what I give that has a material/money value and within this I forgive myself that I have reduced my relationships to a mere exchange of goods and favors, anything that I can quantify and use on my value system scale to gain value from a person or an experience, a value I have given up in separation from myself as self worth/self value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because she said she expected my grandma’s had a ‘house’ because I always talked about a house and she never realized that I meant a home and not necessarily a building as in house and I felt that I did not meet her expectations in terms of the wealth I was supposed to display and that she expected due to my calling my grandma’s apartment a house and not an apartment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell her how much this apartment is worth with the purpose to get back some of the value I lost when I perceived and believed that she was disappointed not to find as she said ‘an Italian house like in the movies, with a garden outside where people sit and drink a glass of wine’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a loss of value when she said that the bed in the guest room is small, which it is, and she is tall and I perceived that she was disappointed because she is used to a more spaceful bed in her home in Thailand
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and judge her as an ungrateful bitch, because of all the stuff that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within my secret mind, instead of seeing I was just judging myself as an ungrateful bitch for the times in which I have belittled people on purpose and I was projecting this point I have not forgiven to myself about myself onto her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow her to pay for dinner because I was into a ‘compensating mode’ and I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all compensation takes place through money, which I have used extensively in my life to gain an advantage on others, pretending to be generous while I was just creating a credit, mafia style, that soon or later would either have to be repaid or would establish me as superiority because those who have credits are superior and more ‘valuable’ than those that have debts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ‘imaginary credits’ with people through action of obvious manipulation, as a way to have the upper hand within my relationships, establishing credits that some time would not be repaid and for which at times there was not gratefulness leaving me feel frustrated because my plan had backfired into me having just paid up against nothing and feeling I had been taken for a ride, when in fact it was my original intent to take others on a ride and have them ‘pay for it’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when we went to the market because I wanted to show her that I am not attached to money, yet I resented that she did not insist more to pay, even though she wanted to pay but I said NO because I wanted to look good and generous and show her, how generosity is done and make her feel bad about herself because I was playing into the inferiority/superiority complex and I felt inferior so I would have to use money to make myself feel superior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Money as a way to gain an advantage on others, disguising this point as a generosity I did not have because I have never given unconditionally, but always using a ledger on which I marked what was owed to me and what was given by me so that I could feel more and superior to my friends who had not worked out how to use money as a leverage in Human Interactions that would indebt others to me and make me feel more and superior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to M
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dislike and feel uncomfortable and fake when I said or others said about me that I was generous, because I have never given anything for free and so I hated myself for this undeserved label of generosity I worked so hard to get but I knew it was never real, because my giving was always conditional and with a specific/ clear purpose in mind that I could reclaim my debt in the future and my circle of creditors was like a circle of subjects, subjected to my credits and their own debts to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project on my friend my irritation at myself because M. seemed to be resilient to the idea of credits and debts and she was not willing to be my subject and let me play the game of the giver even when she would take what I gave, but without hooking herself into the debt system of my creation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated because she used my home as if it was her home, even though I invited her here but as my family used to do, I never really meant it, so her visit was already a surprise and the fact that she did not feel shy to move around freely, instead of making me glad because I was finally able to let someone live in an expectation free place around me, I hated the familiarity with which she moved, as if this house was her house and not mine, because I projected on her my inability to move freely as a guest in my friends’ homes as a matter of education and politeness, instead of seeing I do not move freely because I am afraid of stepping into the credit /debt system of someone else and of creating credits I may not be willing to repay and so I tip toe my way around life in the homes where I have been as a guest, in a fake submissive way for the sole purpose of not engaging the debt/credits system that since I hold in place inside myself, I assume everyone does
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at M. because she asked me to plan every day in detail, without realizing that when I have been on holiday for short periods of time in a foreign country, I have done the same and there was nothing unnatural about what she asked but my judgment of it as inappropriateness, because I hated this form of control and having my day planned simply because I was the one that should have done the planning so I could have everything under control and not her doing the planning so she could have everything under control and I lost the total control of the situation in my perception
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be in control of external situations because I feared I was not in control of my internal situations and I would have to plan my days in detail so I would know ahead of time which people and situations I would find and adjust myself into the appropriate personality accordingly so I wouldn’t have to surprise myself with some ‘off the bat’ behavior stemming from some of my personalities getting on stage when it was not their time to show up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a life through personalities and mind games, because I never trusted my Self and my ability to Self Express Here in a moment of Breath within Self Honesty in and as Self Responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed with M because she is slim and I am now fat and I had to justify my fatness in so many ways and hint to the point that I will lose this weight because I judged myself as having lost value from thin to fat in her eyes and I wanted to gain value again by projecting myself back into thin, where there is more value than into the fat image of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame M for how I felt because I feel fat and ugly compared to when I was in Thailand and I was fit and tanned and looked better than her and now in my secret mind comparisons I looked worse than her because I am fat and I believed that this was her judgment of me instead of seeing this was my own judgment of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I am fat and because I have decided that I have lost value in my own eyes since I have put on weight and now I dislike the skinny ones because when I see them I don’t stop myself from comparing myself and since I feel inferior than I have to work and find points in which I feel superior in this idiotic balancing act stemming from comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the comparison between me and other women as if I were not in the driver’s seat, believing that I cannot stop myself when in fact I CAN STOP myself through breathing, writing, applying self forgiveness and corrective application
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my body to the body of other women so I can assess if I am more or less than them and establish my value in and as the value system of this world, in and as the money/value system of this world has having a higher or lower market value on the fuck market/money market of this world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated because she did not rinse the bathtub and I had to rinse it in her place, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is an act of lack of respect and I want to be respected as a personality that commands respect and not the maid that cleans after others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling my guests that they have to clean after themselves and that I am happy to provide a room for their stay but not the cleaning service
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear communicating to another clearly what I want in terms of how we should share the space in fear they would judge me as tightassed and not easy going as I would like to be seen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judging myself as tightassed in fear I won’t be able to play out the accommodating easy going personality that I like to portray for myself which stands in the way of me communicating clearly what I think would be appropriate when people share a space
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear asking for what I want because by fearing asking I don’t ask and then I blame others for not having read my mind and having failed to meet my expectations that I have not expressed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confuse myself between having expectation about others and just asking to comply to common sense living arrangements so both our lives can be easier and more enjoyable and no one has to pick up after another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking the common sense of a living arrangement for fear of not being liked by the other person and in fear of losing value points compared to doing everything for them just to end up resenting it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my value and worth is determined by how much I do for others, because at home my value with my family grew the more I did things FOR them and I have associated doing things for others as ‘showing care’ even though I resent it because I feel being taken advantage of even though it’s all my own doing within my mind for failing to communicate clearly a practical living arrangement that would work for what is best for all
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture myself speaking up and explaining what is it that I would want when sharing space with another as being ridiculous making a fuss over nothing because I resented the authority in my life of people laying out rules even when the rules where what was best for all because I just wanted to do it and have it my way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have it my way regardless of what would be practical and best for all in any living situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent what I do for others out of my own inability to communicate clearly a practical living arrangement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame when my grandmother called me back in the bathroom one morning to show me what I had left in the bathtub and told me that we cannot do that, it’s disgusting and one has to clean after oneself or one is an animal
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to doubt my memories as I cannot remember properly if it was done to me or to my grandfather and I lived it by association fearing that it could ever happen to me to be called an animal in a demeaning way, taking away value from me as a human because animals are less than humans and if and when I do not clean after myself I am less than human
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an animal is less than a human
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am one and equal with the shame I felt regarding not cleaning properly after myself and then having to feel less than human, just because my grandma said I should, instead of seeing I am not the shame of the remarks of my grandparents meant to manipulate me into a specific behavior for their own lack of proper communication that ended up being based on shame, hints, sarcasm and irony to deliver a point, instead of communicating a point to another human being without trying to manipulate the other into feelings and emotions to maneuver their behavior and manipulate it into a specific outcome
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to successfully learn and integrate a distorted idea of communication based on shame, hints, sarcasm and irony and for believing that this is the way to communicate to another human being, instead of questioning why I had to do to another what I had not liked and did not want done unto me but just integrating and passing on the sickness of mis-communication among Human Beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do to others what I myself did not want done to me, but I embraced as a way of life to manipulate and maneuver people to specific outcomes without proper communication on and of a point that I wanted to ask for as a practical living arrangement because I allowed myself to never develop acceptable communication skills in which both are standing as equals, honored and respected in and within the communication of and as me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into ideas of value that are job/task related and so in some tasks/jobs I lose value, like cleaning after my friend and then I feel irritated and blame it on her, looking for reasons to show that I am in fact right because objectively she should have rinsed the bathtub after having taken a bath and so I look for points that are popular and widely supported on which I can offload my blame for what I feel and what has been going on inside of me within the construct of inferiority and superiority but I have to watch out because I am system smart and I will try to fuck with myself in new yet unexplored ways, even though I can see in self honesty that a part of me owned up to it almost immediately after M left and that I have not pretended with Linds that I was right but just said that I wanted to be right and I have to watch out for this point and flag it, because wanting to be right is ingrained in me , has become me and I have to start by keeping reminding myself that EVERY SINGLE MOVEMENT THAT HAPPENS INSIDE OF ME IS MY RESPONSBILITY and write this, until my body gets the new point and I release the old point of me ‘wanting to be always right’ out of my system to stand no longer in self interest but for What is Best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed with M when we went to Venice, because I didn’t particularly want to go, so I had a credit for going, plus when we missed the train I felt guilty because we left too late indulging in a glass of wine to pass time while we could have made our way to the ferry in time and take the train on time and so I felt responsible and when M was disappointed that we missed the train I believed she blamed me and then I blamed her for blaming me, instead of stopping and looking at what I was doing regardless to what she was doing because I was aware that I was NOT fine yet I wouldn’t stop because I wanted her to feel guilty for my perception of her blaming me and so I turned into a bitch, but a clever one, that would make jokes to underline how inflexible she is and how SHE would not let it go while all the time I felt I was inflexible and would not let it go or whatever mood she was in I would have been able to stand stable and not move in a swing of emotions ranging from anger to blame and back to anger because of the way I wanted to believe SHE was making me feel, instead of taking responsibility for myself and stopping and breathing myself back Here
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be clear about not wanting to go to Venice because I had told her that I ‘would take her here and there’ if she came to visit me, but I did not mean it as it was just something to make me feel good about myself about what kind of host I would have been if she did in fact come and so when she came I felt I had to stick to my word, even though I was not looking forward to going to Venice because it’s a long train trip, but I did not want to communicate this in fear that she would judge me for not sticking to my word of taking her to Venice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not express myself and suppress my wanting to stay at home while she could have gone to Venice by herself in fear of letting her down and in fear of the judgment of myself as someone who says things I do not follow up with as a way of life and having to face the point that I need to learn a different way to communicate with others where what I say I mean it and I am willing to do and to stick to it and where I am not sure I can always say I am not sure and we can see when the point is there, so I can learn to express myself self honestly and not blame others for my dishonest communication, because I can see I have not yet learnt to communicate self honestly but just through personalities of how I wish to be seen in fear that I am not enough and I have to be someone else
I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear speaking up for rocking the boat because I have associated communication of what is going on inside others, my mother in the specific, as something that would always make me feel uneasy and I decided that speaking up what is really going on it’s unwise as it may make others feel uneasy, instead of seeing this was due to my own blaming my mother about the way I felt when she spoke up and that if I hold on to this belief I will never communicate effectively because I believe I am responsible for how others experience themselves around me, instead of seeing I AM RESPONSIBLE for how I perceive myself and what goes on inside of me and others are responsible for how they perceive themselves and goes on inside of them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not express the point that I thought and perceived that she was blaming me, because if I had expressed that it may have assisted both of us and stop the backchat, yet I feared bringing it out in the open in case she said ‘yes I blame you’ and then I would feel angry because I saw that we should share responsibility being two adults taking a trip together and not me being the tour guide
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up stories in my mind about what ‘she would have said’ if I asked ‘are you blaming me because I have this perception at the moment that could be just my mindfuck but it’s worth talking about it’ so she would have a chance too to see what was going on inside of her and inside of me and we could have supported each other in stopping and moving on so we could have enjoyed the rest of our time instead of dwelling in a pool of blame we were mirroring to each other back and forth, as she blamed me (maybe) for what happened while I blamed her surely for my thoughts that she was blaming me and that that was unfair
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use joking as a way to hint to others the points I do not feel comfortable about, instead of speaking the points up and not using joking as a way to cover up what is really going on inside of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my ex husband because he was French and he used sarcasm to convey what was going on with him instead of speaking up clearly while all the time I was just angry and hating myself for not having found ways to communicate clearly with others, because my grandmother taught me that ‘joking about a point you want to say but don’t say’ it’s called diplomacy and this is a highly valued quality I should aim for and I did aim for it and became it, accepting and allowing myself to believe that if you call someone stupid having them be happy about it, you have accomplished your effective diplomatic communication, instead of seeing this teaching as just a point of mindfuck and manipulation I took on while I searched for ways to be more valuable and more acceptable in fear that I was worthless and unacceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being accepted by others instead of seeing I was always and only wanting to be accepted by myself and within this I forgive myself for NOT accepting myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry and blameful toward M while I was angry at myself because I could see I was participating in emotions and feelings as self abuse and blaming her for it and I would not stop
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into backchats about the point that I paid for the hotel because I believed it was my duty to pay because it was me making the mistake of miscalculating the time it would take to get back to the station and since I made a mistake I could not expect to share the loss with her, yet I resented it because I felt I was always the one paying, even if it was all my own doing and she even offered to pay, but I was buying my superiority with money and I would not let her and then blamed her because I don’t have a job and I should not have been spending money for a night in Venice
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame M. for not being more sensitive to the point that I am not earning when in fact it was me all the time not allowing her to pay so I could be more than her money wise because I felt less than her due to my weight issue and my perception that I have lost my ability to attract as a value point and I had to compensate with money
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go to an expensive place in Venice just to show her I’m not attached to Money because I ended up judging myself for my money backchat and so I believed had to make up for that, splurging money I don’t have at the moment, just to make a point with myself and with her, that for me it’s never about money when in fact at the moment money is one of my major backchat that I don’t want to own up to as I will have to take practical steps to just move myself and put myself back into a money making position and face the system again
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write a post about “Friends as Self Abuse’ and post it, in which I pretended to take responsibility while I just mirrored everything I believed she did to me an forgave myself for it, because I know she reads my post and I wanted to show her my superiority of forgiving her as the mirror image of myself, and have her know how much I disliked her staying with me, so I used self forgiveness to just underline points about her, missing out on a chance to write self honestly about what went on inside of me and stand as a real example of what this process is all about
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as an asshole and an abuser, instead of being patient with myself, realizing I am a patient of a mental institution called Earth and so patience is required for me to sort myself out and I forgive myself for being harsh on myself in judging myself when and as I see what I have really been up to, instead of seeing it as points that need to be corrected, that I am correcting by taking responsibility, stopping the blame and standing up in and self correction to stop myself from existing as I have done in the past, I am not my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for wanting to have the last word, even if that shall be the written word but it will get there and do the damage I planned in my secret mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of myself for this episode with M, in which the more I wrote the more I realized I am a mental case, and who isn’t, that lives on autopilot, within my secret mind and unwilling to take responsibility for myself and what I have become because I can always find a way to blame it on others, so I stop my existence as a mental case as I dismantle who and what I have become to correct myself and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I could have never invited M back, while even half way through this script I saw that I could and that the only thing preventing me was my own shame of what went on inside of me that I did not take responsibility for, instead while I wrote and let it all out and my mind disease became more clear, I moved into guilt first and then into shame and realized this is how I have spent my whole life, blaming others and making up convoluted stories to cover up what was really going on inside of me so I would not have to take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words and deeds and stand as the change I want to see in the world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed about M’s visit, I see and realize that I have designed myself into this convoluted self interested sick being and it will take me some time to unlayer myself and see the depth of my sickness, own up to it and stand in and as change, for myself as Life and What is best for All, One and equal.
When and as I see myself having difficulties in communicating a point or trying to communicate a point to a friend or family, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is nothing to fear and that fear is not real, and look at the point I am trying to communicate practically to see if what I want to say or ask is in fact what is best for all and then I simply speak it without attaching judgments or expectations to the outcome if not my clear communication of myself with another being
When and as I see myself judging or about to judge me in my mind for what I am about to communicate which drives me into the fear of communicating and prevents me from communicating effectively, I stop, breathe, remind myself that judgments of myself and others are NOT what is best for all and that I no longer want to participate in judgments as separation of myself from existence, so I stop, breathe, and then speak the common sense practical point I see as me
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into making a joke or being ‘funny’ to deliver a point that I have not communicated in fear of being disliked or not being accepted I stop, breathe, remind myself that I only need the acceptance of me and the unconditional acceptance of me and that if I speak self honestly I build self trust and that in trusting me to not using manipulation and deceit to get my way I can start to trust others as well, One and Equal to me and I can trust that whatever happens I can stand in self honesty and self trust and be Here for and as myself
When and as I see myself desiring to not express what I see as a common sense practical solution, I stop, breathe, remind myself others are not mind readers and I have been down this road MANY times before, where I end up blaming others for not having read my mind effectively instead I speak my mind so I won’t accumulate back chat about a point, always considering the other person as me, as Life and making sure I am in fact asking or laying out a practical solution for sharing space and that I am not coming from self interest considering only me but all party involved to benefit equally from the equation
When and as I see myself attempting to care for others or show them I care through doing things for them or using money, I stop, breathe, remind myself this is not what caring is about but standing as Equals, not playing credit and debts game in which I accumulate credits toward someone that I then wish and desire they pay up, so I stop my participation in the accumulation of credits by being Equals and not participating in Mind games and ledgers that I keep to keep score of what is owed to me for what I do, which must be unconditional the moment I do and have no strings attached
When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a backchat about a friend, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I have enough backchats to clear for this lifetime and I do not need to add any other layer of bullshit to who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, I breathe, breathe, breathe, count my breaths, remind myself I no longer want to participate in the dishonesty of making up comments and opinions in my secret mind about some being I am communicating with and that I want to rewrite myself into someone who honors and respects life and backchats are not honorable and are self dishonest while I want to build a self honest world as a reflection of myself in which I can trust myself and others and for this I have to give up my backchats, I will myself to self direct myself to stop so I may get to know other beings and learn what self honest communication is all about and stand stable as an example of what this world could be if we could all give up the dis-ease of the Mind for Life, One and Equal