Day 73: I Know What YOU Mean

I have listened to Anu's 'Existence in a Word', and it really spoke to Me.

In this interview the point of 'We Never Hear Another' was raised into very specific points and I saw my life flashing by while I listened to it as One Who Actually BeLieved I did in fact HEAR and SAW other people's words and not just that, I did it better than THEM.

In my family there was the Cult of Words, my grandmother was the Diplomat, meaning by her own definition the One that could call you Stupid and have you Happy about it, which is NOT really true because my mum took some time to work it out and was NEVER happy about it, she dwelt a lot on the 'words' my grandmother had used against her, and so did I after her with her words ‘against’ me.

So I saw it as a point of value to 'wisen up with Words', meaning to always TRY and see what people really MEANT behind what they said.

When I was 5 to 6 my mum had a new partner that lived with us for 9 years, he too loved words and always told my mum she lacked 'all the shades', this was meant to be off-ending to her, as what he meant was that she lacked the 'finesse' to see what he really meant when he was talking, he knew that my mum was NOT getting all the context and layers when She was NOT getting angry as she should have.

I do not remember My origin with words, I just remember 2 episodes in which I was told to 'not tell it like it is'.  One was when the nuns gave us an assignment titled 'What does Mummy do when I go to sleep ?' which was meant to highlight the sacrificial Life of a Mother, as she sowed my socks, prepared my lunch for the day after, ironed, and all this bullshit, but since I did not know what she did when I went to bed I asked and she was in a bad mood and not having the context about my assignment she replied "I scratch My Pear', which I duly reported in my assignment for the nuns.

That did not come out too well, my mum was called and asked for explanation, I lacked the context for that sentence so I had no judgment for good or bad or about 'pears' that could be meaning 'something else'.
Another time was when we went to the laundry to pick up clothes and the lady asked me 'and how ARE YOU?" and something about my mum, and I just told it like it was, which was that my mum was sad and something else that was considered 'personal'.

When we came out of the laundry my mum told me that when people ask you 'How Are you ?' they don't really mean to know how are YOU, it's just a social convention to ask each other to which we reply 'Well' for politeness, meaning we do not bother others with our crap.

Later while I was growing up I saw words become hidden weapons, it is explained well in the Documentary The Trap, when they talk about Mental Illnesses and the hidden energy games that go on inside a family, there were plenty of those in my family that made me physically sick, when I was around 10 I suffered from colitis so severe that I spent much of my time bent in two for almost 2 years and always had to have Buscopan with me, just in case my guts would start turning and churning without notice, I feared the family gatherings and what would come out of them in terms of the stress I would feel for being asked to side and support one side of the family against the other. All this of course had great 'finesse' embedded all over it.

When I was a teenager my mum made a special arrangement at work to spend more time with me, we would go to see an off the circuit movie every week, one of the “family ones”, like ‘Ordinary people’ or one that would have you THINK about the meaning of them and then coming out we would have to share, what was the hidden meaning of the movie, what was it trying to convey ? And have discussions about it and see who came up with the most 'hidden and clever' meaning of the movie, there was not much competition, more of a training to absorb the programming of the point that everything is basically hidden, no one is self honest and this is just the way things are.

By the age of 17 I was quite proficient with words, yet I saw myself take a Quantum leap when I learned English and words expanded into other meanings in my mind, I started to see the multidimensionality of words through another language, and my believed capacity 'to see beyond words' increased exponentially.
I got to the point when I was so arrogant that I believed I knew what was behind the words of another better than them, always failing to see that all the crap I saw in their words was my own crap.

And I kept failing at this, because in looking for what another is really MEAN-ing, what I am actually after is to prove to myself that others are at least as MEAN as I am, and that they hide as much as I do, so I get a moment of relief and I get the Company for my Misery of having sold out and separated myself from my own words so much that I have to relearn again from scratch to say WHAT I MEAN,  so that when another will speak I may learn to Hear/HERE, what they Mean and not just make it up to feel wise and accomplished in at least one things, the management of words for deceit that I believed gave me that extra chance to Survive in and as This System of Abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that we don't have to say what we mean because if we do others may get up-set and within this belief accepting and allowing that I am responsible for how other people feel and manage themselves as they are responsible for me and how I manage myself and my own words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are words that can be spoken and others that are best kept inside The Mind as Thoughts, without realizing that this is one of my own points of Separation and Inequality, where I am not yet even Equal to my own words within and without

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as a kid through the mis-use of words as tools of separation and for feeling guilty and shame-full for not standing as my words, having accepted and allowed that this is what everyone does and how the World works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own words, placing a charge of negative or positive on every word I know so I can assess when to play words as cards, to win into a        s-wording match where the point has become who can place the best feeling words in a string, deliver the positive feelings and get the desired positive feedback from another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having exposed my family with what was The Truth that I either saw or had been told to me, believing that words as exposure are shame-full and must be kept hidden in my secret Mind, never exposed or shared so nobody will never really get to know what I MEAN

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the Mind as EVIL, because I turned my Mind into My Crap Warehouse, where I stored all the crappy words that should never see the light of the day or I would be labeled MEAN and people would know what I MEANt for real, instead of seeing and realizing I feared my own judgment of me as Evil as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could support another Being through words I have not yet equalized myself to, reading into what they write or speak my own crap and charges as in positive and negative and making judgments that are just about Me and My Own Mind and have nothing to do with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritation when my Buddies at Desteni want to dig into my words as I Perceive it as prying and for fearing having to expose what is really going on within me that I don't want to talk about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the support of my Buddies because I perceive it as an 'invasion of privacy' into my own Mind, where they want to come in and take a look to support me to see what it is that I myself am still judging as un-exposable so I can make peace with it through Self Forgiveness, instead I stubbornly hold on to myself as if there was something I may lose within the crappy-ness of Me as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that while I must read into other people what they really MEAN and expose THEM, I am entitled to hold on to my Crap, like a hoarder, because mine is no ordinary Crap, it's special Crap and it took me years to pile it up there and by God I will resist what I perceive as “the takeover” with all my strength

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I move into resistance in fear that my hoarded crap may get exposed and I will have to get rid of it, I am just NOT supporting myself effectively and in fact justifying why it is that I have a right to hold on to my being special while I seek to expose others that I believe are NOT doing the work to expose themselves so I get something on the plate, someone will be exposed and that's OK as long as it's not ME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as wise and knowledgeable which is HOW I get to see other people's crap in between the lines, instead of realizing I have never in fact heard or seen anything of another Being because myself as The Mind and my own filtering of everything through the crap I resist to let go, has in fact prevented me from being Here to Hear what is really going on with another and to humble myself enough to say 'I don't Know', instead of taking guesses and making up convoluted stories of why they say and write what they do, because I MEAN, I KNOW what YOU MEAN !

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not Trust myself that I do not in fact need this demented system of communication that I have set in place, where every word is weighted through its charges to see how it will be received and if it is acceptable, instead of realizing it was never about the words, but about Me and what I have loaded each word with in terms of judgment, charges, memories, emotions and feelings and that it is now up to Me to undo what I did to words in separation from myself so I can equalize myself and return each word to innocence out of the Mind and back into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing about this topic, because you never know, what if all the people that thought I was wise should read it and then I fall off the Wise Pedestal and lose points for myself, instead of seeing the value of each piece we write as an exposure of how and why we designed ourselves the way we did, so we may STOP and start again from scratch, basing everything that we do on the Principle of Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about how I have used words in my Life, as S-words uncaring of the damages of what I spoke or thought and entertained myself with, failing to see that entertain-ment at the expense of another doesn't exist, because another is Me in another Life and whatever I did with and through the Abuse of Words is left for me to fix and take responsibility for, so I stop my existence of Words as a MEAN tool for Abuse and return Life to them and myself in Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into my well rehearsed sentence 'I know what you Mean' I stop, Breathe, check with myself if I in fact have walked that point myself or if I am coming from knowledge, information beliefs and ideas about what I THINK the other person means and if I am NOT Clear, I use the point they are exposing as a point I can work on for myself to equalize myself with, and tell them 'I don't know, I am not able to support you yet on this point'

When and as I see myself trying to READ what another MEANS, by engaging my Mind and fishing into my extensive Pool of useless knowledge and information and my own previous experiences that I HAVE NOT addressed and cleared, I stop, breathe, look at my reasons behind what I want or desire to say, check that I am not looking to be wise or sound wise and not even the other polarity, where I state that I am bad in fact the worse so I am entitled to support the worst having been there myself, instead I offer to listen without judgment because as I have seen myself, in a judgment free space when I write, even when I delete and correct myself, I get a glimpse, a hint of the point I should be addressing and if I stand Self Honestly I get my own answer while asking my own question

When and as I see myself fearing to just write or speak what I have in Mind, after checking that there is no reaction inside of Me, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I am walking to equalize myself and my words inside and out and if it is my Buddy, I push to write or say what it is that I really MEAN, because that is How I can be supported and support myself in an effective way

I commit myself to STOP using words to mean something that is not what I have in Mind, turning words into MEAN tools instead of Life Tools, so I may start to trust that what another says or write is what they MEAN and not what I MEAN to find into their words as a support to my own wise/all seeing and all understanding personality

I commit myself to STOP looking for the MEANing of others in their words and look for my own MEANing in my own and in theirs, Equal and One, so I can stand in and as Self Honesty as Self Correction as Life and What is Best for All, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One