Day 17: He Died because of Me

L. was my second 'official' boyfriend, we went to live together when my mum threw me out of her house when I was 19. I liked him since I was 17, but he was 5 years older and thought I was too young.

We met again one evening when I was 18, we went out for drinks with friends, flirted all evening and ended up having Sex in his office after we smoked some joints together.

He was into drugs, I had only done pot until then, he introduced me to some other drugs, like coke and amphetamines, I did not like coke, as coke was my normal state of being, on a speedy highway in thoughts and speech, I liked amphetamines, I felt I was God on them, totally disconnected from my body, no hunger, thirst, or tiredness, absolutely no physical discomfort of any kind, it felt great.

The down was terrible, if you shoot yourself up high, you may see how low you will go when you come down, I did not see it until the come down came. It was horrific, the pain in my body was extensive and everywhere, it took me 3 days to feel Ok again.

So I was in and out of powders pretty fast, I found that Pot was my thing, it slowed me down nicely and basically when I overdid it I would fall asleep, kept me quiet and unbothered and made me less prone to anger outburst, didn't have the energy for anger play outs.

For L. pot was not enough, he liked the roller coaster of drugs.

When we moved into a small apartment after sharing a room in a thugs house in my neighbourhood, we were OK for a while, we would spend our weekend stoned and having sex, he was much into Sex as well, so we got on fairly well, our communication was limited to talking about others as soon as we would be alone, I told him he was NOT the man of my life, I was sure about this, and I felt I had been honest about it.

Our Relationship was always troubled, we split and got together again a few times, sex always drove us back together, but we knew we were not good for each other and at one point I was ashamed of going back to him again and again and we saw each other secretly.

While we lived together I realized he was doing heroin with a common friend, the signs were there, small pupils and vomiting on and off after eating, I asked him and he said NO, then like women do, I told him, "tell me the truth, it's better, there won't be consequences, just be honest".

So he told me the truth, yes I do heroin occasionally with our common friend.

I felt betrayed and taken for a ride, as this had been going on for a while, I felt as well ashamed that someone else knew what I did not know that impacted on us so much, I felt ashamed as well of being with someone who was doing heroin, among the 'sane' one of us in our neighbourhood, we had seen many friends die, L.'s previous girlfriend that he left for me, started heroin too, and eventually died on it, heroin was the line we drew on what was acceptable and he had to cross it.

So I upped and left.

He came looking for me a few times, this is a very cultural pattern, Italian women leave so men can run after us and we get a sense of value, that our man saw our worth and missed us, something that did not happen with my ex husband due to not having the same cultural imprinting (and as I said possibly the relief to see me going), which left me sitting alone at the love game table unable to make any other 'move'.

After 3 months I had left I heard that he was on heroin now full time, he had to give me back some money I had lent him and he would come monthly to my office to pay his debt, the third month I was not there, my colleague told me that he was yellow and that he probably had caught hepatitis.

He called me on the phone, he said "please come back with me, if you do, I'll stop shooting heroin", and I felt angry for the blackmail, I told him, you stop for yourself first, then we see and I said 'NO, I can't, I don't even have the tools to help you, I'm a fuck up myself, I can visit, bring you something to read and chat but can't go back together'

I could not support him as I was not even able to support myself psychologically and I feared I would join in his black hole instead of being able to pull him out.

He did not kick the habit, he went to jail instead, twice, for trafficking, in jail he was tested and they found out he was HIV positive.

He told me he wanted to quit the first time he came out of jail and asked me to host him, I did as I carried the guilt for how his life had turned out, I would lock him in every morning and would come back every evening to have dinner together, a few days later I saw the same heroin use symptoms, I started to take the phone with me and this is when his withdrawal kicked in.

Two weeks later he was better, he asked me to let him go to work, he said he would meet another friend who had given up, so he would be unwatched for just 20 minutes.

One hour later his friend called, he had not turned up. I drove to our pusher's friend home, I rang the bell and L. came to open the door wasted, we looked at each other, I slapped him so hard he walked backward all the way to the wall never leaving my gaze where he just said 'ouch'. 

I said 'come and pack your things today' and left.

He came when R. one of our common friend was there, R. said 'I'll stay, just in case', when L. came he said 'I'm sorry I have let you down', this enraged me greatly and I went to the bedroom where he was packing up and we had a physical fight, I told him 'you have let yourself down you bastard', while I smacked him repeatedly. He just lied there and took it. R. had to step in, not for my sake as he may have wrongly foreseen, for L.'s sake.

Few years went by, he got in touch again, told me he was no longer on drugs, he quit after the last arrest thanks to a priest that helped him and could we see each other again.

When we met he looked frail and sick, they found out he had TB, I went to his home, it was a mess, he had always been so neat, even at the height of his addiction, I helped him to clean up everything, we threw away two huge bags of rubbish, I was on a visiting trip from Singapore and had to leave soon, he promised to keep himself healthy, eat good meals and take care of himself.

We called again when I was in Singapore, he told me he realized that everything he thought was actually coming true and was going through a omnipotence trip, few months later my mum and R. had to break down his door and call an ambulance to have him recovered in a hospital, my mum told me his home was a disgrace.

On the next trip back to Italy I went and visited him at the TB facility, he was in isolation, told me they would soon release him, that he had chances to get on a government support plan, we kept in touch by phone.

The last call he made to me I did not call back, two days later he died.

I was not on speaking terms with my mum at the time, so it was up to R. to send me an email, the email said

'Ele, I'm sad to let you know that L. passed away one week ago, I just went to his funeral, I'm sure you will agree this was the best thing for him too'

I did not cry, I felt it was the best he could do for himself at the stage he had got to, L. died to himself when they told him he had AIDS, for someone who had always cheated death with a flair that came as a blow he never recovered from, finally Life had caught up with him, he did not manage to run fast enough to cheat Death too.

I Forgive myself for Accepting and Allowing myself to isolate myself in my pot world so much that I could not care for myself or others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I did not go back to this relationship with L. when he started on heroin fearing that he would not get out and I would get in instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and define myself as a wasted person and for being unable to stand up in self support and practical support of another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that L. got hepatitis and HIV because I saw it as an outflow of my unwillingness to put up with his heroin habit to support him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself because L. got sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell someone 'there will be no consequences' deceiving them when in my secret mind I knew all along there would be and I'm just pushing for the truth they don't want to tell me, fearing the consequences of the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of telling the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the world of thugs in which we were born and raised and for believing we had no choices to change ourselves unless we cheated and lied about where we were from and our past

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to live a secret Pot life in which I did not let anyone in as I liked to project an image of myself as having it together and being in control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty whenever L. was arrested because I was never able to express my fears and let him know that since I did not trust myself to be able to change I could not trust him either and this was why I could never support him through his change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I couldn't change and for not trusting myself to be able to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better when his life became troubled because I could show myself I was right after all and that he would have never quit no matter if I had been present or not and that I made the right choice to not go back with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have Relationships with men for the sole purpose of having sex  that I enjoyed, not caring what that meant for them because I had been clear about me being just transiting in their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can find my worth in relationships with men and I can push it until they show me the worth I am after, either by leaving or staying and making myself special and within this I forgive myself for having desired to and made myself special and for having left as a way to gain value for myself instead of facing the point that I felt worthless to start with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless within my relationships with the men I left to prove I was worthy, due to my separation from Self Worth as Self Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to separate myself from Self Worth as Self here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that drugs are our way out in a world that doesn't make sense, instead of seeing why is this world not making sense and what I can do to change it into an experience where no one has to live the kind of experiences I lived while I grew up in fear in a thugs area where violence and survival where the name of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother's Pollyanna mindset as she thought and believed that the repeated setting on fire of the fruit stall in our square was just an accident while she refused to see reality for what it is, like I did through using pot, to not have to face reality as a scary abusive place in which some kids are just trained and left with the choice to do vile things to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that violence is a way to show disagreement in a passionate way, instead of seeing and realizing that passion means suffering and violence is just the physical outflow of the suffering we all share that explodes into the physical because we have not stood up against any form of abuse, starting with self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my relationship with L. on guilt for what I did not do to help him out of his heroin life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a void when L. died, because so many relationship threads were created between the two of us that I left unattended and did not clear out because I feared ending up going back with him to put a lid on my guilt, if I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that he died because I did not care enough, instead of seeing that he died because he did not care enough to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at L. for dying on me instead of sorting himself out so I could put my guilt to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a liar when later in life I spoke the words, "if you need me I'm here", because I had not been there for L. and look what happened

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to live and breath guilt as one and equal to me, instead of realizing guilt is my own creation out of my own judgement of myself that I have suppressed about L., the Past and what happened with his life, instead of seeing I can only be self responsible and make myself stable so I will not suck the life out of others as a way to sustain myself and my ideas and definitions of myself that I have made up to deal with my suppressions due to my self judgements of myself and others, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for a world change that would allow lives of dignity for everyone, where everyone can have enough and access to free education and no life goes wasted in a system of abuse in which I have been a willing and an active participant through direct participation or through my acceptances and allowances of just try to pass another day in a world of fear and hate I wished I had never been born into.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to never have been born as the ultimate abdication of my power and self responsibility for a world I have created through cycles of time and that I now I need to stand up and correct inside and outside, Equal and One, for myself and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself bringing up or about to bring up Memories of L. to abuse myself I stop, Breathe, remind myself L. is gone and no thoughts were ever supportive or can now be of support to him or myself and my participation within and as the polarity of emotions and feelings on this topic is just a form of Self Abuse that I will no longer accept One and Equal to myself

When and as I see myself doubting myself and moving into or about to move into not trusting myself to be able to support someone effectively, which means to not accept from them aything less that I accept of and as of myself on my Walk Back to Life, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I'm not supportive if I support another's Ego of emotions and feelings and beliefs about themselves, instead I offer the tools of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application so they too may break free from the prison of their Minds, and trust that this is enough as each one of us has to walk ourselves out of our own self designed prisons of self and other's judgements.

I commit myself to no longer disregard any crime against Life, be it my own or other, and to expose this world that is an abomination in which I am born as a chance I am giving to myself and others One and Equal to make it right, to straighten what went wrong from the beginning of time, to realign to creation as an act of Life, in which everyone is Equally considered and supported and no one has to die for my for-get-fullness instead of living What is Best for All, for and as my for-giveness, to All as Life, One and Equal.

Further support @:

Failed Relationships

Do you Love Breakups ?

Day 16: I fucked up, I leave You so you won't leave Me

I have had this as a recurring patterns in relationships, it goes all the way back to my relationship with my mum, when my great grandmother told me once that if I did not behave I would be sent to the boarding house.

This was the greatest threat of my life, I must have been younger than 6 because my great grandma passed on when I was 6 years old, the point became that my life within the family system was not assured or guaranteed and therefore nor was my survival, I had to earn it, I was told as well that affection had to be 'earned', isn't it interesting how many words link Love, Sex and Money ?

So I started to keep a mental book of credits and debts, to see how I was scoring on my way to the boarding house or if I could feel 'safe' for some time, just to go back to worrying when I moved, out of the preassigned lines of what was expected of me, good grades, polite behaviour and general submission.

I brought this fear into my relationships, it seemed obvious that if my place was not guaranteed with my mother, who by the way denied this would be the case, only to put me in a boarding house when I was 13 for one year only, because the nuns kicked me out, but yet confirming that I had not earned my place at home, that the problems we had were not worth solving, I could just be cast aside, as a rebellious teenager and someone else would have to take up the ungrateful job of sorting me out.

When I went to live with my first boyfriend it was because my mother kicked me out of her house, I was 19, on my birthday she told me she had not bought me the one thing she saw that she thought I may like, because she believed I deserved nothing, I finally left that evening and moved in with my boyfriend in a room within a family of thugs that lived in my area.

This is another reason why I always looked for men that were more into me than I was into them, as my chances of being 'kept' and not ditched would be greater than going for a man I really wanted that made it clear could live without me.

I had tried out 'the man I really liked' when I was 17 and run away from home' to go to Ireland, where I had fallen for a guy who owned an Amusement Park and was 5 years older than me, within that relationship I lived in the constant fear he would leave me for another woman, as he was attractive and popular and I struggled hugely to keep myself together, to the point that when I run away from home to go to Ireland FOR him, I did not look him up for the first 3 months, and told everyone I was NOT there for him, because that would have been a diminishment of my position of strength inside the 'Relationships Game', and when he finally cam to meet me he said "I heard from everyone you were not here for me, so I did not come to see you, pretty faultless logic.

After that, when I left Ireland and he asked me to marry him, I lost interest, went back to check on him 5 years later and asked him to marry me and he thought I had gone insane, which I had, but not in those 5 years, I was always insane as I was an avid participant in and as the Mind and Mind fuckups, only to blame everything on my mum and how and why I ended up turning out the way I did, a total mess with no hope beyond redemption.

One of my relationship patterns became to make myself  indispensable, when I was very young, through Sex, as that point was clear to me and even why men strayed, so I made sure I was always available, and then later on through taking care of men, from cooking (as my mother was a very bad cook and 'she could not keep a man' as grandma stated in many occasions, so I would not risk any of her 'performance flaws' in my relationships) and generally taking care of the house.

I took this to a completely new level within my marriage, I would fill the house with fresh flowers, come up with new recipes consistently, made up religiously, matched my clothes with my shoes, an almost perfect Stepford Wife, I brought in some of my grandmother's traits and some other traits from women I had met that were successful with men, none of my mum's traits (or so I believed, keeping those hidden and suppressed as I was aware they were borderline on the edge of insanity ) yet my marriage sucked.

I lived in the constant fear that he would not want to be with me, my ex husband was French, he had the traditional French asshole humour which he used to drive home points he was unable to talk about, I was unable to talk about these points too and so I particularly disliked this trait in him as much as I disliked it in myself, so we used to let it build up in our separate secret minds back chats until I would blow up into entitlement having my list of his wrongdoings always handy in mind and always available to replay his assholes jokes until he felt ashamed and wrong.

I was never less of an asshole, I just always felt I was an asshole by provocation.

In my previous relationships, I would at one point find a way to get rid of my men, when the energy high was no longer there and Sex started to become tired, I would move on, I left a trail of unresolved issues that turned into stalking and obsessions that fed my Ego, yet I was always able to justify why I had moved on, I was just honest, there was nothing to share anymore (in terms of energy fixes) so we better part.

With my ex husband something opposite happened, as I felt he was 'too good' for me in many ways and I felt as well that he was not as sick in his head as I was, but I did take him there in 7 years, it took me just some consistent mindfucks to screw him up but I managed all right, this is a point of grief I still live as regret.

The unspoken truth about WHY I behaved the way I did is because I believed he had woken up into this marriage and regretted having married me, but as I was stuck into the marriage in a foreign country without a job, he felt he was stuck into the responsibility of supporting me, and we ended up both resentful and angry pretending to make efforts to make work something that in our secret minds we had given up long before.

Basically, I feared not being wanted, I feared that all my own Self judgements he was now sharing and of course having never forgiven myself, I could never expect or believe he did, so even when we made up between fights, basically, I never believed he let something go, for the simple reason that I did not, I had to hand on to my credit and debts book, that was my survival, it was the proof that I was valuable and I should be kept and not trashed and forgotten like I feared he wished he could do in his secret mind.

So, the pattern 'I'm leaving' started again, 'I'm Leaving' so you cannot leave me, I'm leaving because I have fucked up beyond my ability to forgive myself so how could you, I am 'leaving' hoping you will beg me to stay, validating my existence, my purpose as a wife, a woman that you would not trash just because we fight and we have not yet found ways to talk to each other that are not harmful, I'm leaving because I fear that when I do you will in fact not come and take me back, but let me go, proving that this is what you wanted all along and you just hid it, but I knew it, I could see through you, while in truth I could only see through me and my own judgements of my own behaviour and the conclusions I had come to about myself, that in His place I would leave ME and if I could not, I would wait for me to go, to just close the door and have a party, having watched grief and sorrow walk out of the door to never ever return.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being sent to a boarding house because I was not worthy of the love of my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had to work at being worthy to be loved because I accepted and allowed myself to not love and accept myself unconditionally at all times

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother for sending me to the boarding house while in truth I always only hated myself for believing I had  'deserved to be sent there'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that anger and hate and love are real as in an energetic expression, instead of seeing that energy is not real, but my self support and unconditional self acceptance as stability Here in every moment of Breath is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with and as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself for being sent to a boarding school because I equated 'boarding school' with 'not being wanted, while I could see my mum sent me there because she realized she was not well in her mind and it was best for me to be away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate my worth to no worth or I would not have been sent to a boarding house, when I can see this was only a fabrication of my mind in separation of me from Self Worth and had nothing to do with the practical solution my mum looked for when she realized she was not well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear talking about having been sent to a boarding school in fear to show my worthlessness and how I must have fucked up to be sent away from home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I fucked up because I was sent away from home and for living one and equal to the shame of 'having fucked up" and not being wanted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be sent away from all of my following homes in case I fucked up again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to feel safe anywhere as I lived a life of subordination trying to walk the line between being kept and being sent away which resulted in huge suppressions that then blew up using any excuse I could find to vent the energetic build up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for men I judged less worthy than me so I would not be sent away ever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge some men as more worthy and some as less worthy by comparison to me, my looks and my house keeping, and my money making ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to become indispensable as a way to guarantee my survival within and as the system of Love/Sex/Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of not having been wanted according to my conclusion that if I had been sent away, 'they did not want me around'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partners may not want me around and send me away whenever a moment of tension arose between us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'nobody wanted me' and I was Useless and worthless when my mum sent me away from home a second time when she met a man that molested me and she chose him over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive a loss of worth because of my mum's choices even though I knew my mum was not well and that what she did or said was often a source of regret as much as what I did and said in my life became a source of regret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of "I'm Leaving' to test if my partner would keep me because I could not trust his secret mind as I knew I was fully participating in my own secret mind and there were many things I would not speak about, like my fear of being left or sent away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone should have 'kept me' to show me I was worthy to be 'kept'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'leave' as a way to find my self worth in and as my partner coming after me because 'he could not live without me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to precipitate myself into worthlessness because my ex husband did not come after me to bring me back home when I packed my bags and left like a thief without leaving even a note

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was worthless because my ex husband did not want me back and when he made attempts months after I left and had settled down I made it clear I was not interested and even told him 'I would throw myself out of a window if I had to come back and live with you again like before' because he did not want me when I was down and now that I was up again he could just fuck off, instead of seeing it was me not accepting myself unconditionally when I was down and not my ex husband to blame and my words were just a spiteful remark to show it was ME not wanting me and not the truth of how I felt and within this I forgive myself for speaking these words to him in anger and spitefulness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch for leaving like a thief without even leaving a note after 7 years of marriage just because I could no longer cope with myself within this relationship that I had loaded with self judgements that I projected as blame on my ex husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause of my husband change for the worse because I blamed my mum for my change for the worse, when now I can see no one is responsible for everyone and I am responsible for myself and I cannot be responsible for others as they are responsible for themselves and what goes on inside of them that brings them to 'change'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak about this doubt and fear I had of not 'being wanted' but to suppress it in my secret mind to the point that after our separation one day my ex husband said 'if I knew how you were I would not have married you' and I took this point to validate the invalidity of my relationship and my unworthiness as a woman and a human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and think of myself as unworthy because my ex husband said he would not have married me if he knew how I was, blaming me for everything that went on inside of himself when we were around each other, as I blamed him, without each one of us taking self responsibility for what we brought up within each other in self honesty and self correct ourselves through writing, communicating and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my ex husband's forgiveness for what I believe I have done to him, instead of seeing I desired my own self forgiveness that I would not grant myself as a way to prove that at least I don't forgive myself, which makes me good as self forgiveness is just 'too easy' and what about putting in some repentment in the form of self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with memories, thoughts and feelings about this pattern of 'I'm leaving' because I could see I was acting out but never gave myself the time to work out WHAT was I acting out and Why and how to stop myself from existing as this pattern of abandonment and withing this I forgive myself for withholding my self forgiveness as a form of self abuse and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear abandonment to the point that I would leave first so as not have to face being abandoned, instead of seeing I always feared my own abandonment, my own not standing up and for myself unconditionally, my not accepting myself unconditionally so that from my own unconditional acceptance I could start to dig and see how and why I had designed myself in a certain way and stop my existence as patterns of memories and information to be able to rewrite my past and my future with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear relationships and who I am and become within relationships with the other sex.

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the pattern 'I am leaving' either outside or in my mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have done this many times before and it has brought no solutions but the endless walking of the same play out, instead I push myself to stay and face whatever it is I would rather not look at and face by leaving while I support myself through breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness to walk away from this pattern for good for what is best for myself and What is Best for All

When and as I see myself walking or about to walk away from a person or a task in fear of having to face my sense of worthlessness, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I only exist as worthlessness in separation from me Here as Breath, so I bring myself back Here and as Here in and as Breath I see I exist as Self worth Here One and Equal to Life and everything that exists

I commit myself to work on this pattern of abandonment and fear of abandonment until I no longer play out this pattern so I can build self trust as myself as someone that will stay and stick to anything for what is best for me, as in stopping myself from existing as patterns of the past, and what is best for All which includes me and the unconditional self support I should have given to myself all along but never did, I commit myself to accept myself unconditionally and stand by myself unconditionally so it won't be necessary or required by anyone else to do this in my place.

Day 15: Sex as a Value System

I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.

My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.

The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.

My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.

My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.

She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.

Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs. 

What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?

In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.

In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.

A life of simulation and stimulation.

So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding  when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind  instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this

I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males  and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.

Day 14: On The Emotional Ride of the Interdimensional Interviews

 I have been listening to a lot of the Eqafe interviews, I am up to Anu's 24th, Relationships as Illusions of Control,  and I have started the Soul of Money series.

I have left the Atlanteans behind, I think I am only up to 18th, the Decision of Division,  the reasons is obvious, they are the Losers within our History, so basically my mind has filed them as 'what the fuck do they have to teach ? Look at where we find ourselves now...Hellooo ?"

So, much inequality in my perception of the Past as well, not everyone's message having the same worth, the Losers are Less worthy than the Winners, isn't this interesting, that with every move we make within us as the Mind, we consolidate this Reality of Abuse, where someone has to lose for someone to Win, and we praise the Winner, and leave behind the Loser, simply because the Winner has more chances to survive, the Loser has lost already, the Loser is me, us, what we have become in and as this system of Inequality and Abuse, the me I have tried so hard to leave behind.

Of course as I go through these interviews all sorts of stuff comes up, some of them I perceive as 'reassuring', yeah, we are going to make it, come on, the Mind is just my filing system, it's a support, nothing to Fear, the ones that I found most supportive are by far Anu's after rehab (free interview), a must hear, while others just still scare the living shit out of me, top of this list for now are, The Soul of Money series, I could only do the first one, as everything seems so big, I feel swallowed by the information into a black hole, come one, how are we ever getting out of this, and last night, Anu's Women , that One was scary too, more, was beyond scary, it gave me a sense of nothingness of the ridiculousness of this existence of the guilt and shame we hold on to when we have been mere pawns of an Interdimensional game, then anger, wanting to kick Anu's ass through the galaxies, have him come and live out a few life cycles and try this fucking creation out and see, how enjoyable it was to have our Minds polluted with sex of the kind he designed that led to pornography as an outflow and look how far we took it, and last night I had a moment of rebellion, 'have I accepted and allowed this, WHEN ? I fucking want a date, I want to see my acceptance and allowance of this fuck up, have I signed up somewhere? Did I understand all this when I accepted this Life experience, REALLY ? I want to see the evidence !"

Yet the evidence is all around me as this life experience, the signature is my own existence, I have signed up and sealed in in and with blood, I might not have had the full view or understanding but then why didn't I ask questions then ? don't they tell us to read the fine prints before signing something, it must come from the first of our fuck ups, READ THE FINE PRINTS MAN!

So, last night I experienced Anger AND another thing, a sort of collapse of the sex system (free interview) within me, a crippling of the sex system (free interview), like if whole filing systems were sucked into the black hole of this information and moved into nothingness, at least the ones that were held up by guilt and shame, and a sense of the ridiculousness of the emotion and feelings system, really, we feel emotions and feelings we can't even make sense of, except for digging them out to the original link, a belief, an idea, an opinion, a CULTural system, the realization that I do not in fact exist yet, I am JUST a filing system, and I have to clear out the files to find the engine of all of this, what I have buried underneath all of this, Life, the Life I have used and abused to power this mind show of which I did not even get benefits, as I was designed to be a bee worker into the beeingness of this Human experience, so I put down my design and walk away from it, will get back to listening to the Losers, because guess what, I am just one of them, a Loser, just like everyone else, poor, rich, it doesn't matter, we are all participants in the Game of Energy and so we are Losers from the start, as we left behind Life for a Game  to prove we were More, More than Life, that we could put up a brighter show, a more intense experience using the physical as our power source for our enter-tainment, just to come to this and find Out we left behind everything to turn into the nothing we have become, from which we will have to rewrite ourselves as Worthy of Life, the given we have given up in our separation from All there Is and manifested this Horror Show we now call The Human Experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the Interdimensional interview as they go exposing how I, as a piece of creation and of the whole, participated with my acceptances and allowances and direct participation, in the manifestation of the world we now live as and in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide the past, my past into winner and losers as I accept and allow competition to exists in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I perceive as too big for me to take on, as the World systems and their exposure in the Eqafe interviews, The Soul of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anger toward the design of sex because I have given up my responsibility in accepting and allowing sex to become what it is today through my participation in sex in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce sex from a physical Self Expression to a merry go round of pictures and experiences of the mind that I use to stimulate myself into energy build ups and energy releases

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at Anu for this creation because he was the winner and we were the losers, instead of realizing we all lost when we started our separation from Oneness and reduced ourselves to Frightened lackful beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that Anu went through the physical experience to taste a slice of the cake he baked for humanity, while not seeing that Equality means we are Equal and One, in creation and the fuck up of it and I just got to experience the manifested consequences of what I created within another expression of Self, as Anu is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to walk the manifested consequences of this manifestation without seeing that unless I accept the consequences of what is Here, I am not Equal and One to this Creation, as Creation always has consequences, and until I become Equal and One I cannot be effective at changing myself as the whole and the manifested consequences I create from Here forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face this discomfort regarding The Soul of Money series because I felt I was behind everyone else and if I wrote this out I would be seen as weaker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear being Weaker and others and my own judgement of myself as 'weaker'

When and as I see myself facing fear within the Interviews I am catching up with, I stop, breathe, look at which fears a specific interview has brought to light within me and apply self forgiveness until I stand clear from fear

When and as I see myself as useless after listening to the Grand Design that brought us all Here, I remind myself I was there a the time of creation since all this creation is Self, and I am Self, so I slow down to integrate and reawaken these memories within me as the Creator and not as the abused within the Human Experience Drama

When and as I see myself stuck on a point, I stop, breathe, write it out to apply self forgiveness and release myself from the stuckness and keep walking myself into my Self Correction to manifest Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All as I understand that I am the problem and I must therefore be the solution as well within Self Honesty and Self Responsibility

I commit myself to understand what happened that brought us where we are today and what was my participation in relationships of the mind that built the energetic cage we now found ourselves stuck in and as, so I can unlock the cage doors through my self forgiveness and release myself and others One and Equal as I move to no longer be a threat to myself and other parts of Self, by embracing Self Honesty and Self Responsibility for everything that is Here, One and Equal, that I have created through my acceptances and allowances or my direct participation and STOP this creation so we may rewrite on the empty sheet I become, a world that is Best for All

Day 13: Letting go of "The Rightful Anger"

I have realized that I am responsible for my thoughts emotions and feelings, yet there is one clear point I hold on to, and that is Anger, the One I am entitled to, the "right kind", the One that if I did not have it I would not be 'normal', the One that everyone in their sound mind could see, it was not started by me, I was pushed and shoved to get angry, until I did, and this one is the hardest one to let go for me yet.

A few months ago I renovated the apartment where I live, I 'auditioned' the possible renovators I found on Internet, and chose the cheapest one even though he seemed a bit weird, in a psychotic sense, when he shook my hand his grip was slippery and he would not look at me straight in the face, but he seemed competent in what needed to be done and especially, P. was cheap.

The first 3 weeks were OK, they got on pretty much on schedule, a lot of dust was going everywhere due to the breakage of the bathrooms to dismantle the tiles and the sanitaries; since I was having troubles with my mum I decided to stay Here throughout the renovation and that made me feel like a hero, plus gave me all sorts of credits with my mum, the fact that I had to live here through that crap because she is just crazy and life with her was too abusive to stand and it gave me additional 'rights' on this house.

We gave them an advance, consistent considering the total that was still due, but by week 5 they slowed down and the leading renovator was becoming restless, week 6 went by during which they did almost nothing, but I was aware of what was going on, they felt overworked and underpaid, this has been a pattern of mine, and like him I would just bottle up and one day explode. Yet I did not direct this point by bringing it up and talking about it, I let it slide hoping it would just go away.

This was happening because even though he said at the beginning that he was available and willing to add some things along, for which we were adding the costs to the tab, he felt our advances were too slow, plus, like myself, he was a perfectionist who could not face his own mistakes, and would try to walk away from them before they blew up in his face.

Anyway, week 7 I said to my mum, let's give him another advance, and we did, a substantial one, week 8, the work is not picking up, they were fitting the kitchen lamp and I said "you put it up twisted' and I felt I had just about enough and walked out of the kitchen, this apartment looked like a war zone, I was sick and tired of the dust, had enough of being a hero and wanted to go back to some 'normality'.

This displeasure of mine triggered the follow up events, He felt he could not cope with not being complimented for his specialness and in half an hour dismantled everything, took away some of the stuff we had already bought together and left with his assistant A.

I spent the first 2 hours in a shock, this was deep shit, especially because my mother was involved and I was the one 'on the watch', plus I had no clue how to pick up from there, had no contacts in Italy yet and could not see a solution.

So, I just breathed and told myself, let's suppress all this stuff that is going on since it's evening and I cannot find a solution and I will look into it tomorrow. The same evening I wrote to him to say you must finish this work, yours is a behaviour for the psycho unit, you took the money and the stuff we bought together to finish the work, he replied that he was sorry but that was "the way he was", he insisted he was sorry to have treated me poorly as I was obviously a 'nice woman' and he apologized for that, we wrote to each other for a while, I gave up on the idea that he would come back and finish but could not give up on the anger, I was fucking entitled to it, I sent him links to the mental heath association in Milan and suggested he went there to be checked, then I wanted to put a notice up on Internet that he could not be trusted, but I could not find the way, the will was there, I justified myself that I did not want anyone else to have to go through the same experience, while it was a plain retaliation, an outlet I hoped I could find into which I could channel ALL The Anger I was entitled to.

Meanwhile I found other renovators, they finished all the work in 5 days, some things they could not fix, they told me clearly "lady, the previous renovator, P,  did a few things wrong", they had to re break the walls to fix them, plus at one point they told me that he did things to damage me on purpose, like taking pieces of taps that were half walled up and that are still there with the missing crowns.

I had told the new renovators that the previous one had an accident, as I felt ashamed of telling the Truth that I had been left in that state for no reason by someone I had chosen to do the work, which I had obviously chosen poorly regardless of the sign of 'something not right' just because he was cheaper.

A month ago his assistant A. started looking for me, he is an Egyptian guy, the second renovators were from the Middle East too, my caretaker asked him to leave his phone number, I called him and found out that he was looking for his previous boss, I did not want to talk about what happened in fear of having to dig up this humongous rage I had not dealt with, since I was entitled to it, so first I gave him all the contacts of his previous boss I had and then sent a message to the second renovators to say a guy would contact him for work and that I had told him the second renovator was a good guy and might be able to help out.

I felt damn good about myself, so forgiving, so above and beyond it all.

A few days went by, A. contacted me again, this time to ask for help write an ad, so I did, wrote him an ad in Italian, sent him all the links to the free ad places in Italy, told him to open a new GMail account, I did everything he asked bar placing the ad, which he hinted but I said, NO, you can do that by yourself, it's all manual work now, I have already set it all up, you need to fill in the specifics and PLACE THE ADS.

A week went by, Monday morning he has his new partner call me at 8 am in the morning to ask me to place the ads for them, ALL THE ANGER i had suppressed just came up and I told him 'I have been too nice and kind up to now to not tell your friend to go fuck himself, they left me in deep shit just 4 months ago, I said nothing, I understand that when you work for a psycho for a living you may have to do things you do not agree with, yet all this was NOT enough ?" Then when I put down the phone in utter anger possession, I sat down and sent him a message to say the same things plus I sent him all the pictures of HOW THEY LEFT THIS APARTMENT as a reality check and told him, go and learn Italian if you cannot understand what I wrote you and stop calling me unless it is for Italian classes and basically, go fuck yourself.

Two days later the wall next to my bathroom had a large water leakage :) When I saw it I went into an anxiety attack, images of works to be done yet again flashed through my mind but then other images all connected in a string flashed as well.

In my life, every time I have been unable to contain something, I have flooded a place, I did it a few times in Milan many years ago, twice in Hong Kong in my home, and once in Hong Kong at my ex best friend's place.

Water is my curse, and saviour, because once I do flood a place I can no longer pretend I am fine, the evidence of my suppression is there, this time I didn't flood the wall, I flooded in between walls, same as my suppression, the emotions I have swept under the carpet hoping to never have to deal with them again.

Anger as entitlement is a BIG point, because one thing is to be angry and NOT be 'entitled' to it, one thing is to be ANGRY and be entitled to it, yet none of this is true, whenever I am angry, entitled or not as I perceive it through judgements of my minds, I am just enslaving myself to reaction as polarity enslavement and I am not Here in Breath, in and as Self Expression, but lost in and as the Mind into loopholes of energies which are Not Real. 

So time to STOP and clean up my act with Self Forgiveness 

I forgive my Self  for accepting and allowing myself to Blame myself for my poor choice for a renovator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take notice of my body's reactions to my first meeting with this man P, because I am still confused about not judging and just seeing a point of practicality beyond judgement that my body is showing me, like the point 'this man is mentally unstable'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my choices based on saving money because I fear spending money as I am not working at the moment and I fear for my future and my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I had not picked P. for the job I would have to face my judgements of his obvious signs of mental instability that were clear from our first meeting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insist on seeing 'good things' in people that I have already judged as 'bad' in fear of having to look at my own judgements and what I participate in One and Equal to

I forgive myself for accepting and  allowing myself to judge mental problems as bad since my mother showed signs of mental instability and I feared having taken on those traits and feared being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mother's mental problem and instabilities as bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to fear having mental problems that would lead to my instability and to my being 'bad'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not bring up a point for which I can see and feel tension so it can be discussed in the open and not lead to bottling up and follow up explosions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when P. left me half way through the renovating job as I felt it was my fault and it is my fault when people walk away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when people walk away from me there is something wrong with me and not just see their walking away as their choice, defining themselves and not me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when people walk away from me and in the specific when P. walked away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgements of others when people walk away from me, because my grandmother used to judge my mother saying 'she couldn't keep a man' which meant it is my responsibility to "keep" people and not their responsibility to stay or their right to leave and move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my relationships because I defined myself in and as the success rate of my relationships

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when the new renovators came and said 'some things were done on purpose' as I thought if someone damages you on purpose you must have done something wrong because when I wanted to damage others in my life I believed they had done 'something wrong'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bottle up the anger I felt for P. because I was 'entitled to it' instead of realizing that I was enslaving myself to a reaction that I kept alive due to my idea of 'entitlement' to an emotion that I defined 'right' for the occasion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have no right to a place to stay because a right is given by ownership and since this house belongs to my mother, she has the right of ownership to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to trade suffering and anguish for a right to live because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is what life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress anger instead of facing it and releasing it through self forgiveness when I had the tools to do it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others for my and their anger, believing that anger is a form of diminishment and ending up diminishing myself and others in anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sometimes 'people pull you by your hair' into anger, instead of realizing I am ALWAYS the only one responsible for what goes on inside of me and not just sometime but not the times when I judge emotions and feelings as the natural consequences of someone else's actions or words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anger as I feared my mother's anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down at my mother when she was having anger outbursts as I have later looked down at myself for my emotion of anger and then suppressed it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be nice in an attempt to be able to judge myself as 'a good person' when I wanted to tell A. that I had done enough and they would have to do their own posts, instead I did not direct this point 'hoping' he wouldn't push it too far and when he did I allowed myself to feel 'entitled' to my anger because he pushed it too far instead of seeing it was me not addressing the point effectively when it was due

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divide anger into acceptable and unacceptable instead of seeing I have just built a back door for myself for when I WANT to participate in and as anger without taking responsibility for my participation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body through my participation within and as the energy of anger and for accepting anger one and equal to who I am, while now I see anger is not who I am unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and as anger, one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak or write from the starting point of anger, infecting others while I resisted standing up and taking responsibility for my emotions and clearing myself through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I suppress anger it will ultimately go away, instead of realizing I made my body a warehouse and a whorehouse for my suppressed anger selling out flesh for the energetic charge I would get through my participation in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with 'Anger' that I fear letting go as I fear letting go of anything familiar, no matter how sick it makes me and how much suffering it brings to myself and others

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into anger I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in emotional patterns of anger as this is not what is best for me and therefore not what is best for All, and I check to see if I am about to make the proposed anger path justifiable through entitlement as I have beaten this path quite consistently, and I tell myself, there is no acceptable or justifiable or any kind of anger I am entitled to as anger is Self Abuse and I am stopping the Self Abuse to stand up for What is Best for All, as Life, One and Equal

When and as I see myself looking or about to go through my memory database for points that would make myself entitled to the anger I am planning to participate in, I  stop, breathe, remind myself I have been down that path many times and I know where it leads and I no longer want to move into and as anger, so I breathe myself back Here until I see I have stopped this pattern consistently through self correction in and as the physical.

I commit to no longer give in to anger of any form or kind, but to instead write myself out to unravel the points until no Anger exists within and as me as I no longer want anger for this world one and Equal to me, but Life Here in every moment of Breath for everyone, One and Equal.

Day 12: The Con of Compliments

Today I saw myself react to a 'compliment' about my character, it was subtle yet I could remember having had the same movements in the past as well and dismissing them as 'pleasant anticipation'.

The reason is that while I look for compliments, I fear them as well, because I see that compliments became brick of beliefs that contributed to consolidate my personalities in and as myself as my beLIEfs about 'who I am' specifically because compliments are meant to make us feel good, and since we designed ourselves always looking for that 'high' they are hard to dismiss.

So while I was listening today to my friend talk and I saw the language build up leading to a compliment, I tensed, yet I waited for the treat, to see what was there of good that my friend wanted to say and share about me and who he thinks I am.

I found that I have never really enjoyed compliments, as in every compliment in my life I saw how I had designed that moment and led the person up to it to confirm me as a personality.

While I was choosing the topic to write about in this mainly uneventful day, I saw an invitation in my mail that said "Join us, many Personalities will be there !", I had never before noticed the word 'personalities' in the context I saw it today, which was pretty awful, meaning, we gather together and build relationships for the sole psycothic purpose of building and maintaining personalities we believe in and we may convince others about, the rules of engagement are clear yet unspoken, I will believe in your personality, and support it, and you will believe in mine, and support it.

Just before my breakdown shortly before Desteni I had become aware we were in a personality play, this is a bit complicated to relate in one go and I will expand about it, but one thing made it very clear, the fact that people with multiple personality disorders, had personalities with different allergies, sharing the SAME ONE BODY.

That proves that our diseases are NOT physical, but personality related, mind related as personalities are our mind's creations, and when we switch from one personality to another, we affect our physical at many levels, we basically abuse ourselves as the physical, while we superimpose on it our personalities, and then we move in the world as if this was a stage, missing out the Physical reality we all share, One and Equal.

My personality play had become extensive, we know that we shift continuously between our imaginary accepted and allowed 'roles', we behave differently as a friend, daughter, student, sister, mother, granddaughter, and every shift we make, is a moment we miss Here, where the wholeness of ourselves exists One and Equal with the Physical, but we gave it up, believing we were never good enough to just exist as Self Expression and we made up a whole imaginary world in which we role play ourselves to Death, Literally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build acceptable personalities through which I role play myself to Death, because I feared existing Here as Self Expression in simplicity in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's handy to have different personalities to interact with others, instead of realizing that each personality I design is a step further into separation from me Here as Self Expression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have multiple personalities so everyone will find something to like about me, because I feared not being liked and not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is important that others 'like me' because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally so I designed personalities that others may like making myself believe I am accepted by others instead of facing the point that I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT accept myself unconditionally and for not accepting others unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'conditions' must be met to be accepted and for designing personalities that fit such 'conditions' instead of looking at my creation point and Self Correct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow conditions that I must fit into to be acceptable, instead of accepting myself unconditionally Here as Self Expression in every moment of Breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support others' personalities so they would support mine and we could keep going into and as the self delusion of the mind, pretending to support each other while we are just all supporting each others' 'ideas' and personalities of ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a compliment to confirm my personality and to fear a compliment because I can now see it's another brick in support of my personalities delusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel tension in anticipation of a compliment that I can see it's coming because I fear I will be pleased and in that moment of feeling good I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as the delusion of the Mind of emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be 'pleased'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not good enough to stand in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than Life as Self Expression through my delusional personalities play out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be somebody' because within and as this desire I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was not enough in and as Self Expression Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to be more by telling stories about me as a Personality, I stop, breathe, realize that personalities are Not real and I am giving up my Fake Life for Life Here, Equal and One in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into comparison about 'other personalities' I stop, Breathe, remind myself that mine or others personalities are not real, so in support of myself and to others One and Equal I stop formulating compliments to consolidate others' personalities as I stop desiring compliments as a way to validate myself

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self validation, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only the Ego needs and desires to be validated and that I am stopping my existence in and as Ego for What is Best for All, One and Equal

I commit myself to becoming aware of my personalities plays so that I may take on one point at the time into investigating and  deconstructing myself, until only what is real remains, Life, One and Equal in Self Expression in and as Breath as What is best for All.