Day 26: Relationship Failures - Fantasy vs Reality

Even before meeting Desteni I knew that something was not right within the Relationship system, as women we grow up with such losers as role models that Need a Man to Be Happy that it is clear that there is a Fantasy imprinting from society and Family that revolves around Relationships.

A few years ago I bought some Politically Correct Fairy Tales for the daughter of my Best friend, where Little Red Riding Hood actually killed the wolf and moved on to a 'successful life', Sleeping Beauty woke up by herself, and Cinderella run away from the Stepmother house.

Today I see that even when we try "to right the wrong" of the stories, we are still trapped inside a Polarity system within a fantasy world of the Mind.

We only have two polarities to play, we either win or lose, and we keep going even after the break ups, in the way we tell the story as a way to gain value and not lose it, Relationships as they are today are plainly pathetic and nothing to look forward to.

Today at the Gym, I chatted with a lady and we moved onto the usual questions : 'Are you married ? kids?', so I told my story and then she told her story. Since she just had kids, one was 3 and one was 4 years old, I 'assumed' she had a good relationship.

This is obviously an idiotic assumption, as it has been proved that relationships as were intended, based on the energy of attraction and sex, cannot last beyond 2 years, men stop producing the hormones that keep them interested and 'devoted', and women resent the change in interest, more or less all the stories seem to develop along the same lines, it's either Cheating to find again the excitement of the beginning with someone else, the Desire and the feeling of being Desired, which is nothing but a surge of Energy, or they just die out in suppression and unhappiness inside the perceived unfullfillment for both, until resentment sets in for good,  this is in the 95% of cases, the other 5% were possibly preprogrammed to have good relationships and become points of comparison and competition, resulting in the widespread sense of being a failure and being inadequate of the remaining 95%.

The lady went on and told me her relationship in fact sucked, she went on to say that the best is when 'the man is much more 'in love' than the woman, much more involved than the woman, she should just care a little when he cares a lot, that is the best way'

'When she said this I remembered my grandmother having the same advice, she had plenty of advices about how 'to handle men', a string of passed on manipulations that went from pillow talk, trading sex for favours (recently an ex boyfriend told me that when we used to play cards I would bet a blow job -he thought it was endearing-..., but of course..., conveniently suppressed and removed, because the shame and guilt  I have lived for who I have been within manipulation and self interest of my secret mind within my relationships was just too much to face, so stuff kept piling up and I kept feeling less and looking for lesser men to mirror myself and what I had allowed and accepted myself to become as the system embodiment of a 'perfect woman', exchanging Sex for 'love' and lying about both), to the plain keeping secrets or lying 'for his own good or because it was just the best thing to do'.

When I was in Hong Kong women were reading the new books about 'how to get a man, keep him, make him happy, successful relationships, 10 sex positions' as we admitted things were not working and we looked for ways to twist and turn even further into oblivion, it's clear that we need Relationship Training, we suck at relating to each other, our communication skills are lost within the Games of the Mind, while the Education System teaches us things as useless as Algebra - that I have not used once since I left school for any reason whatsoever - we are not taught how to create self responsible relationships that work, our Relationship failure rate is astounding and relationships are the Family foundation where children are born and then fucked up for Life, imprinted with the same failures of the parents and all the other couples who pretend to be fine while they entertain all sorts of nasty thoughts about  each other in secret and how to move on at the earliest chance with the least financial damage possible. 

Yes, relationships of today are just another trading place, we trade who we are for Money, our Life for a Dream, lost in the Illusions and Dreams of the Mind, running after one Energy fix after another to define ourselves and the lives we live into successful experiences.

The Love of the fairy Tales is a lie, there are only 2 places for that kind of Love, Disneyland and Holly-wood, through which we keep knocking each other on the head with pictures and images of what will never be that we may live to long for, until the end of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brainwash myself with fantasy stories about relationships and what to expect from relationships denying myself the chance to in fact experience a real relationship with someone in my life as I lost myself in my mind of dreams and expectations that were and cold never be fulfilled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation and support of a system of manipulation of men because they are just dumb and led by their dicks, instead of seeing that I myself have been sex driven and made myself Stupid with Sex and Desire for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge men as dumb for being led by their dicks, instead of realizing they existence like mine was preprogrammed and Sex played a particular role in existence and we have all been driven to Sex for the purpose of manufacturing Energy for Heaven

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dumb myself down following my own desires for Sex and my Sex drive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my physical body and an act of self expression on a card game just to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that physical expression of me as Self is not good enough and I need to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into relationships through sex, just because I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find value for myself in being desired and for manipulating desires out of men because I needed an energy fix and an Ego boost to keep me going as a system of Energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a fairy tale romance that sweeps me off my feet, instead of realizing every time I allow myself to be swept off my feet I will have to land again and at every landing I realize I have lost something of myself through the Energy games of me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be hugged by a man because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough to myself and that I need a man to be complete

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire to be hugged by a man, because I judge myself as weak for not standing alone and being enough to myself 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself o judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship and because I did not want to seem weak I suppressed tthis desire instead of facing it and reeasing it through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject Love stories/movie in Fear that a longing will be activated in me about not having one and desiring one underneath my suppression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire for a fairy tale romance because I have realized they are not real, yet I have not let go this point because, one never knows

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to engage the last man that wrote to me into a conversation when he has been clear about wanting a relationship and I am not wanting one for real and I would be only manipulating him to give me the energy fixes I crave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men to get my energy fixes because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough and tha I am in fact an Energy system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being approached by a man because I don't yet trust myself that I won't move automatically into personality games of seductions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to stand for what is best for me and What is Best for All, One and Equal, outside of Energy games of me as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire/delusion of a romance to live as an Energy fix, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am equalizing myself with men and everything that exists and that I will no longer do to others what I don't want done to me, as everything is me as Self in this Creation and I move to stand in and as Oneness and Equality as Life and What is Best for All for.

When and as I see myself longing or about to move myself into longing for the perfect Fairy Tale romance due to activation of my accepted and allowed preprogramming, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only if and when I let go of the delusion will I be able to experience Life as Myself and have a real supportive relationship with another Human being in which both of stand for Life in Oneness and Equality in Self Support for What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer participate in Energy Games based on the use and abuse of Men and to expose to myself where I am still walking a program of Inequality to Self Correct so I can stand as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer support or be part of the system of manipulation of each other of and as relationships until I can trust myself to be able to walk and stand as an Equal to a Man, in self support, for Life and what is Best for All.

Day 15: Sex as a Value System

I have a poor history of relationships, I had poor examples as well while I was growing up, so I could never record and file an acceptable way to experience myself within relationships as fulfilling.

My grandmother had been married twice, the first time she divorced she said it was because 'they were so different' and they were, putting together the unbiased info of their relationships, my grandfather liked sex, but was probably not skilled at it nor he was into self expression as NO Catholics could do sexual Self Expression being sexuality something to suppress, and my grandmother loved Money and a Status, nothing my grandfather could offer.

The urban legend around them has two sides, one side, my grandmother's side tells the story that she was abandoned during the war with a small daughter and that my grandfather would send his military wage while abroad, to his mother, so when he returned from the front, she told him to fuck off back to his mother, then, she said, years later she met my step grandfather.

My grandfather spoke little about her, but even after 30 years, he still hated her quietly, as the offence she cast on him by leaving him, HE, a good looking man with a sure job within the system, even though not a glamorous one, was impossible to overcome. One funny anecdote is that many 30 years after she left him, he met her by chance at my mum's office but did not recognize her and believed her to be my mum's friend and he was absolutely nice to her, leaving the 3 of us, grandma, mother and myself, totally blown away, until we realized he had not seen who she was, it was a politeness addressed to a mistaken identity.

My grandmother was very beautiful, movie star like beautiful, which was one reason why she thought she could do better than my grandfather, meaning, her beauty on the Money Market or on the Potential Money market was worth more than her first marriage out of need, to which she agreed only to find a place to live for herself and her mother, my great grandmother, just before the II World War.

She passed on to me this belief, that I could have any man I wanted, a belief I actually went and tested out and found to be quite true, which just meant, any men would respond to my making a move or opening the door to make a move, but later I discovered that this would have been the same for every woman in Italy as the men are raised to never 'reject' a woman in fear of not 'being man enough' so I just played a part and they responded with their own preprogramming, this was no point of value for any of us even though we both mistook it for one, the men feeling valued by the openings, the women feeling valued by the acceptance and the men's desire.

Recently I have seen a very sad Italian comical movie titled, "You cannot judge me' in which a woman whose husband dies is forced to become an Escort, this is the new politically correct name for prostitutes, as they Escort a man, to his bed, but sounds better, the whole movie is all about the point of us accepting that hard times require hard measures, and selling out to prostitution cannot be judged as bad (which we all agree about, how can we judge what we have to do to survive, who knows what each one of us would do with a small child and the fear to go to prison ?), but this movie is tragic because what they meant is we have to support this idiotic economic system that makes us sell out into prostitution to pay our debts, that is in fact honourable, paying your debts at all COSTS, questioning the system is DIS-honourable and NOT allowed, so just go out and find 'creative' ways to make money as the system is fixed and unchangeable, you instead have still room for self diminishment and creative sell outs. 

What are we accepting and allowing ourselves to become to NOT question this system and ourselves as the bricks that keep this system together ?

In the movie a photographer tells her 'you have a cunt, but don't deserve it', meaning you have no clue on how to capitalize on it, this was a clue point for laughter, it saddened me greatly, that this is what we have become, cunts for sale, as in the Italian language we built up to that, calling women 'beautiful cunt' or any other name that suggests 'cunt' in a more politically correct way, has become acceptable and desirable as the truth of what we are, walking cunts waiting to be picked up and prized at the Sex market that existence has become, having accepted and agreed on a world that runs on sex and Money.

In the same movie there is another tragic joke, when she is told to advertise having a cup D of breast, and she objected having just a cup 'A' and the photographer told her 'Dear, it's just to lure them into your home, then once they are there and aroused they would fuck even a sink' to which she replied 'this is really flattering', yet this is a point we all know, we all abuse, we move and breathe sex and we hold on to not give it too soon, as that would bring on inflation as for everything that is pushed on the market not having waited for the height of the hype, so we hype ourselves up, through make up and clothes and high heels and sexy stockings, our lives are built and geared up to advertise what we will later deliver, once we get the man to jump into enough fire loops to show his devotion because as my grandmother used to say 'If he loves you, he will wait', as a sign of respect, to show that he is not just a dog, beating his hard on down with a newspaper when no one is watching due to the arousal we are raised to stimulate.

A life of simulation and stimulation.

So sex was something that was distorted in my mind as a power tool, it seems that what we had between our legs was the focal point of our existence, when all else would fail we were taught there is an intrinsic value to us, our sexuality, we can always sell out, without seeing we sell out by moving, speaking, building up the electrical charge that we will shape into a wooden club we'll use to beat the men on the head, just until the roles are reversed, immediately after sex, then they become the powerful ones, they got the prize and now we have nothing left to give away, we are left with the memory of the power we held until we gave in and now they hold the power of deciding  when and if they will fuck us again, this is how we build up the numbers with men, we end up to have xx men, yeah, a double digit number, because something weird happens after sex takes place and many potential relationships turn out to be just what they were, a ride, to which we both wanted to give a glamour cover as Love or Potential Relationships, while aware that very possibly, once consumed, the programs that make men disgusted with women would kick in, and the shame the women feel for having given in too soon or having 'given in' at all just to face now the men's refusal and disgust would make any attempt to a relationship impossible and we just have to resort to moving on until we find the next pray to repeat the sex dance again until one day we just STOP and look at what is really going on to stop repeating the patterns of Sex as Self Abuse instead of Sex as Self Expression within Agreements of Self Support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my worth lies in my sexuality and how well I play the sexual card

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to measure my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into desire as a way to find value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear intimacy and to offer sex instead of intimacy because I was not even intimate with myself and had no clue about how to correct that point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire intimacy as something that my partner would and should give me instead of realizing I cannot have what I don't give so I have to start with self intimacy to buil relationships of intimacy with another One and Equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a woman's purpose and reason to exist is to be desired by a man and then have a relationship and ultimately to be married

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to withhold sex as self expression as a way to manipulate emotions and feelings of the men who desired to experience it with me until the moment was 'right', meaning hyped enough for maximum energy build up and release

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the men's disgust after sex because I could see it was a recurrent pattern but not to what it was linked or how I caused it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the cause of the men's disgust instead of realizing that it was not their preprogrammed disgust that bothered me but that I took it on and lived it one and equal to me as self disgust for my own participation in and as the sex system of manipulation and abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself to not show I enjoyed sex in fear of activating the 'disgust' programming in men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe we held the power between our legs and that through that we could always get our way instead of learning to build an honest communication based on self honesty and self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being called 'a beautiful cunt' was something to aspire to as a way of gaining value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to expose this sex point because it's private and shameful to share all the stuff that went on in my secret mind about sex because I fear the judgement of others and my own self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame and guilt for the sexual experiences I had because I felt I was never real but a carbon copy image of the porn images I saw and I believed I had to play out to gain value as a sexual object

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed to just walk by men in the streets because I assumed they were always thinking about sex and fucking and I did not want them to think those thoughts about me when I did not agree to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as the only power we have as women because by accepting and allowing this belief I agreed to a world where women are selling themselves as their only and last resort for survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self expression as sexuality because I did not have a map of how that should happen and I did not understand self expression having always and only lived in and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad to see how far we have gone in our gap between men and women and for being aware that I have fully participated by holding on to secret thoughts and beliefs such as this that I am now willing to expose so we may all see we share the same sick mind and we need correction to be able to build agreements instead of the sick model of relationships in which we praise secrets and manipulation as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was sick in my head regarding sex and sexuality instead of seeing, something wrong is going on in this reality and we need to question because I'm sick and not raping people and some that are further down the line from me are doing just that, so , really, what is going on in and as our minds that needs to be addressed and self corrected for and as What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a sick sexuality inside within a closed system that showed a sick sexuality outside that has been getting worse since I can remember with more abuses and violence and the demeaning of women having reached unprecedented levels, there may be a connection between our minds and our world inside and the world outside Equal and One and we may have to stop and address what goes on inside of us to purify what goes on outside of us and to create a world that is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the arousal of men as a point of self empowerment in the game of winners and losers as I get to be the winner when a man gets a hard on and he gets to be the loser for having been unable to control himself and his own mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see men as weak because with a hard on you could lead them anywhere

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as Self Abuse in and as the Mind  instead of expressing Self as Self Expression One and Equal to my physical body

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into one of my sexual personalities for the purpose of manipulation, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to call flirty what is abuse and manipulation and breathe myself out of the temptation to engage automatically one of my personalities just to go on a ride into Self Abuse taking others with me along the way

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire for self judgement about my sexual life, or the desire to judge others about their sexual life, I stop, breathe, remind myself we are all preprogrammed sex slaves and stop my participation in any form of judgements in separation of me from Self as Oneness and Equality

When and as I see myself desiring or about to engage the desire to move into sexual behaviour, covert or not, I stop, breathe, bring myself back into the physical, remind myself that sexuality that happens in my head is NOT real and that I want to learn to express my sexuality in and as the physical as Self Expression and that every time I engage in Sex in and as the Mind I move myself away from self expression Here in every moment of Breath and I no longer want to do this

I commit myself to disengage myself from sexuality as a way of communicating with males  and as a way to gain value for myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as Self Value and Self Worth and that when I see an emotion or a feeling arise due to sexual remarks or sexual innuendos I stop, breathe and disengage as accepting value through energetic movements is a moment of separation and self deception in which I move away from Self Value in favor of the Mind Illusory value and from Life in favour of the Energy show that I have decided to give up as and for Life and What is Best for All.