Day 17: He Died because of Me

L. was my second 'official' boyfriend, we went to live together when my mum threw me out of her house when I was 19. I liked him since I was 17, but he was 5 years older and thought I was too young.

We met again one evening when I was 18, we went out for drinks with friends, flirted all evening and ended up having Sex in his office after we smoked some joints together.

He was into drugs, I had only done pot until then, he introduced me to some other drugs, like coke and amphetamines, I did not like coke, as coke was my normal state of being, on a speedy highway in thoughts and speech, I liked amphetamines, I felt I was God on them, totally disconnected from my body, no hunger, thirst, or tiredness, absolutely no physical discomfort of any kind, it felt great.

The down was terrible, if you shoot yourself up high, you may see how low you will go when you come down, I did not see it until the come down came. It was horrific, the pain in my body was extensive and everywhere, it took me 3 days to feel Ok again.

So I was in and out of powders pretty fast, I found that Pot was my thing, it slowed me down nicely and basically when I overdid it I would fall asleep, kept me quiet and unbothered and made me less prone to anger outburst, didn't have the energy for anger play outs.

For L. pot was not enough, he liked the roller coaster of drugs.

When we moved into a small apartment after sharing a room in a thugs house in my neighbourhood, we were OK for a while, we would spend our weekend stoned and having sex, he was much into Sex as well, so we got on fairly well, our communication was limited to talking about others as soon as we would be alone, I told him he was NOT the man of my life, I was sure about this, and I felt I had been honest about it.

Our Relationship was always troubled, we split and got together again a few times, sex always drove us back together, but we knew we were not good for each other and at one point I was ashamed of going back to him again and again and we saw each other secretly.

While we lived together I realized he was doing heroin with a common friend, the signs were there, small pupils and vomiting on and off after eating, I asked him and he said NO, then like women do, I told him, "tell me the truth, it's better, there won't be consequences, just be honest".

So he told me the truth, yes I do heroin occasionally with our common friend.

I felt betrayed and taken for a ride, as this had been going on for a while, I felt as well ashamed that someone else knew what I did not know that impacted on us so much, I felt ashamed as well of being with someone who was doing heroin, among the 'sane' one of us in our neighbourhood, we had seen many friends die, L.'s previous girlfriend that he left for me, started heroin too, and eventually died on it, heroin was the line we drew on what was acceptable and he had to cross it.

So I upped and left.

He came looking for me a few times, this is a very cultural pattern, Italian women leave so men can run after us and we get a sense of value, that our man saw our worth and missed us, something that did not happen with my ex husband due to not having the same cultural imprinting (and as I said possibly the relief to see me going), which left me sitting alone at the love game table unable to make any other 'move'.

After 3 months I had left I heard that he was on heroin now full time, he had to give me back some money I had lent him and he would come monthly to my office to pay his debt, the third month I was not there, my colleague told me that he was yellow and that he probably had caught hepatitis.

He called me on the phone, he said "please come back with me, if you do, I'll stop shooting heroin", and I felt angry for the blackmail, I told him, you stop for yourself first, then we see and I said 'NO, I can't, I don't even have the tools to help you, I'm a fuck up myself, I can visit, bring you something to read and chat but can't go back together'

I could not support him as I was not even able to support myself psychologically and I feared I would join in his black hole instead of being able to pull him out.

He did not kick the habit, he went to jail instead, twice, for trafficking, in jail he was tested and they found out he was HIV positive.

He told me he wanted to quit the first time he came out of jail and asked me to host him, I did as I carried the guilt for how his life had turned out, I would lock him in every morning and would come back every evening to have dinner together, a few days later I saw the same heroin use symptoms, I started to take the phone with me and this is when his withdrawal kicked in.

Two weeks later he was better, he asked me to let him go to work, he said he would meet another friend who had given up, so he would be unwatched for just 20 minutes.

One hour later his friend called, he had not turned up. I drove to our pusher's friend home, I rang the bell and L. came to open the door wasted, we looked at each other, I slapped him so hard he walked backward all the way to the wall never leaving my gaze where he just said 'ouch'. 

I said 'come and pack your things today' and left.

He came when R. one of our common friend was there, R. said 'I'll stay, just in case', when L. came he said 'I'm sorry I have let you down', this enraged me greatly and I went to the bedroom where he was packing up and we had a physical fight, I told him 'you have let yourself down you bastard', while I smacked him repeatedly. He just lied there and took it. R. had to step in, not for my sake as he may have wrongly foreseen, for L.'s sake.

Few years went by, he got in touch again, told me he was no longer on drugs, he quit after the last arrest thanks to a priest that helped him and could we see each other again.

When we met he looked frail and sick, they found out he had TB, I went to his home, it was a mess, he had always been so neat, even at the height of his addiction, I helped him to clean up everything, we threw away two huge bags of rubbish, I was on a visiting trip from Singapore and had to leave soon, he promised to keep himself healthy, eat good meals and take care of himself.

We called again when I was in Singapore, he told me he realized that everything he thought was actually coming true and was going through a omnipotence trip, few months later my mum and R. had to break down his door and call an ambulance to have him recovered in a hospital, my mum told me his home was a disgrace.

On the next trip back to Italy I went and visited him at the TB facility, he was in isolation, told me they would soon release him, that he had chances to get on a government support plan, we kept in touch by phone.

The last call he made to me I did not call back, two days later he died.

I was not on speaking terms with my mum at the time, so it was up to R. to send me an email, the email said

'Ele, I'm sad to let you know that L. passed away one week ago, I just went to his funeral, I'm sure you will agree this was the best thing for him too'

I did not cry, I felt it was the best he could do for himself at the stage he had got to, L. died to himself when they told him he had AIDS, for someone who had always cheated death with a flair that came as a blow he never recovered from, finally Life had caught up with him, he did not manage to run fast enough to cheat Death too.

I Forgive myself for Accepting and Allowing myself to isolate myself in my pot world so much that I could not care for myself or others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I did not go back to this relationship with L. when he started on heroin fearing that he would not get out and I would get in instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and define myself as a wasted person and for being unable to stand up in self support and practical support of another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that L. got hepatitis and HIV because I saw it as an outflow of my unwillingness to put up with his heroin habit to support him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself because L. got sick

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell someone 'there will be no consequences' deceiving them when in my secret mind I knew all along there would be and I'm just pushing for the truth they don't want to tell me, fearing the consequences of the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of telling the truth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the world of thugs in which we were born and raised and for believing we had no choices to change ourselves unless we cheated and lied about where we were from and our past

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to live a secret Pot life in which I did not let anyone in as I liked to project an image of myself as having it together and being in control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty whenever L. was arrested because I was never able to express my fears and let him know that since I did not trust myself to be able to change I could not trust him either and this was why I could never support him through his change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I couldn't change and for not trusting myself to be able to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel better when his life became troubled because I could show myself I was right after all and that he would have never quit no matter if I had been present or not and that I made the right choice to not go back with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have Relationships with men for the sole purpose of having sex  that I enjoyed, not caring what that meant for them because I had been clear about me being just transiting in their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can find my worth in relationships with men and I can push it until they show me the worth I am after, either by leaving or staying and making myself special and within this I forgive myself for having desired to and made myself special and for having left as a way to gain value for myself instead of facing the point that I felt worthless to start with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless within my relationships with the men I left to prove I was worthy, due to my separation from Self Worth as Self Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to separate myself from Self Worth as Self here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that drugs are our way out in a world that doesn't make sense, instead of seeing why is this world not making sense and what I can do to change it into an experience where no one has to live the kind of experiences I lived while I grew up in fear in a thugs area where violence and survival where the name of the game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother's Pollyanna mindset as she thought and believed that the repeated setting on fire of the fruit stall in our square was just an accident while she refused to see reality for what it is, like I did through using pot, to not have to face reality as a scary abusive place in which some kids are just trained and left with the choice to do vile things to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that violence is a way to show disagreement in a passionate way, instead of seeing and realizing that passion means suffering and violence is just the physical outflow of the suffering we all share that explodes into the physical because we have not stood up against any form of abuse, starting with self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my relationship with L. on guilt for what I did not do to help him out of his heroin life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a void when L. died, because so many relationship threads were created between the two of us that I left unattended and did not clear out because I feared ending up going back with him to put a lid on my guilt, if I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that he died because I did not care enough, instead of seeing that he died because he did not care enough to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at L. for dying on me instead of sorting himself out so I could put my guilt to rest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was a liar when later in life I spoke the words, "if you need me I'm here", because I had not been there for L. and look what happened

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to live and breath guilt as one and equal to me, instead of realizing guilt is my own creation out of my own judgement of myself that I have suppressed about L., the Past and what happened with his life, instead of seeing I can only be self responsible and make myself stable so I will not suck the life out of others as a way to sustain myself and my ideas and definitions of myself that I have made up to deal with my suppressions due to my self judgements of myself and others, one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for a world change that would allow lives of dignity for everyone, where everyone can have enough and access to free education and no life goes wasted in a system of abuse in which I have been a willing and an active participant through direct participation or through my acceptances and allowances of just try to pass another day in a world of fear and hate I wished I had never been born into.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to never have been born as the ultimate abdication of my power and self responsibility for a world I have created through cycles of time and that I now I need to stand up and correct inside and outside, Equal and One, for myself and What is Best for All.

When and as I see myself bringing up or about to bring up Memories of L. to abuse myself I stop, Breathe, remind myself L. is gone and no thoughts were ever supportive or can now be of support to him or myself and my participation within and as the polarity of emotions and feelings on this topic is just a form of Self Abuse that I will no longer accept One and Equal to myself

When and as I see myself doubting myself and moving into or about to move into not trusting myself to be able to support someone effectively, which means to not accept from them aything less that I accept of and as of myself on my Walk Back to Life, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I'm not supportive if I support another's Ego of emotions and feelings and beliefs about themselves, instead I offer the tools of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application so they too may break free from the prison of their Minds, and trust that this is enough as each one of us has to walk ourselves out of our own self designed prisons of self and other's judgements.

I commit myself to no longer disregard any crime against Life, be it my own or other, and to expose this world that is an abomination in which I am born as a chance I am giving to myself and others One and Equal to make it right, to straighten what went wrong from the beginning of time, to realign to creation as an act of Life, in which everyone is Equally considered and supported and no one has to die for my for-get-fullness instead of living What is Best for All, for and as my for-giveness, to All as Life, One and Equal.

Further support @:

Failed Relationships

Do you Love Breakups ?

Day 6: Life as Sorrow

 
I have cried a lot in my Life.

My mother cried a lot too, we like to cry in Italy, which should come as no surprise since all the movies that talk about us as personalities, show only the "loving life", careless, happy Parma Ham eating side of our personality; in a polarity world such excess will have to be balanced somehow somewhere, so we do all the necessary re balancing crying in the privacy of our homes, when we take off the Happy masks.

When I last spent time with my mum and we spoke about people, I said, "Ma, everyone pretends to be someone else, all this fake happiness happy go lucky attitude, it's fake", in the specific about a good friend of mine, who lives such a depressed existence behind closed doors that he has been unable to take care of his home for the past 4 years, and he always apologises for not inviting me to see it out of shame for the state he lives in, yet, during the day he matches his socks to his ties carefully, puts on his happy salesman mask and goes to work.

I am in no way making a judgement, it's a fact about how we live self deception as a way of life, I have had over 20 years of this life until I met Desteni, would pass out from being stoned on my couch, for 20 years I didn't fall asleep, my sleeping process was closer to passing out or fainting when my body could no longer cope with my abuses, and I have a body so forgiving it puts me  to shame just for existing in such a clear stance of what loving is for someone like me who has done no self loving and is just learning about it.

My mum said 'it's like you talked about me, minus the untidiness', yes because we are all sharing an extensive existential sadness, a life of self abuse behind closed doors in the secrecy of our minds, if we stopped pretending and became self honest we would be surprised to see that the world is a place where we all live more or less disturbed secret lives in fear of others' judgements not realizing we are the only judges and persecutors of our own thoughts, words and deeds in our own minds.

Some of the crying in my life was out of frustration when I was growing up due to my inability to manage my emotions, some was for manipulation as I worked out fast that other people do not like to feel responsible for the emotional experience of others but they could always made to believe they were, especially when they believed others were responsible for their own internal experiences within the blame game, I cried in self pity, out of desperation and then I cried for 'moving' stuff, from news to movies.

Of all of the above the most accepted and seen as endearing is the 'news and books ' point, yet we never question why we cry, what is it that moves tears inside of us, as us, why do we call it, being moved, in opposition to what ? To not being Moved ? Which would mean stability and a solid presence that doesn't seem to be recognized by ourselves or others as 'worthy' because we are 'expected' to be moved by certain triggers, least we are judged as cold heartless beings.

I recently listened to Sunette's interview 'Overwhelmed with Tears by Media' and I saw very clearly the points she explained for myself, yes, when we are overwhelmed with Tears by Media or Hollywood, we are either moved by the Fear that something as awful as what we just watched could happen to us or by longings and suppressed desires, as the ones stimulated by soppy Love movies, where our desires for  that perfect relationship or that something that is portrayed and we don't have makes us cry out the sadness of not having it and believing we will never in fact have access to such experience and therefore we re not worthy and will never be whole.

I had this experience with the movie The Last Station, the story of Tolstoy and his wife, in which we could see their love/ destruction relationship that he tried to leave behind while embracing his idea of walking what is best for all as renunciation and leaving the world behind, but on his death bed he looked for her, desperatly, and even though she knew he would be looking for her and had made the trip to join him at The Last station (a little train station in Russia where they set up his bedroom and later his funeral parlour) she was not allowed to get close to him until his final moments as everyone was 'protecting him' from her destructive presence regardless of his wish to have her next to him at death time.

It is interesting that something that 'moved' me so much I cannot recall in detail, meaning I can't remember if she did get to sit next to him before he exhaled or only immediately after, weird, since I sobbed for a good 10 minutes while I projected myself into the idea that I am done for this life and I will not ever have a chance to have a man that loves me so much to want me at his deathbed (:) and what a loving thought this is), this was the key point of my crying, as Sunette said, it was not about them, it never is, it was about me.

Since I met Desteni I cried a lot, sometimes while applying Self Forgiveness as my realization of my participation in and as this system of abuse became clearer to me and I have cried on some of Bernard's vlogs, some just hit me in the stomach and I felt so bad, so much shame that I could not choose if I should cry, I had to.

One of this vlogs that I can recall was titled 'God loves self Abuse' , I have just watched it again and it did not move me anymore which means I have moved closer in alignment with these words.

BUT, one sentence that Bernard wrote on two days ago Creation's Blog made me cry

I commit myself to unchain the systems I have become shackle by shackle within me and within all others like me till this is done. I commit myself to make sure all others will understand how to unshackle their own chains as I walk in support as this is necessary that all understand how we have become that which is not life so that we through understanding prevent this from ever happening again as we will all be able equally to recognize the signs of the chains that cause this shackling and abuse of life. I commit myself to stand with each that choose to stand till this is done and through such support it will be as if I have walked it myself, yet each part would have walked themselves to life, yet they were not alone as we walk as one yet as self responsible for self

Basically most of Creations Blogs still move stuff inside of me, I am sure they are written with this purpose, to shake us back to reality, so what moves me that runs  through most of them still is shame and guilt and Fear of taking responsibility for myself as One, quite disheartening in a way as today when I read one of the Equal Money writings on a drawing that said "we are the Destonians, we are here to bring about a world that is Best for All. Make contact' I teared up again, this time though the thread of the huge responsibility I perceive became evident, I fear having to stand as an example, I fear owning this sentence and what my Ego might do with it, I fear myself.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use crying as a way to manipulate myself into self pity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me as the physical to the point of not realizing the build up of my suppressions of thoughts feelings and emotions, memories and beliefs that  I then release through crying


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself so much that the only way I have automated as myself to rebalance and rid myself of the layers of accumulated energy is to cry


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress desires and beliefs about right and wrong inside my physical body that can be triggered by news and movies and prompt my crying  that prove that I am not free but a mind controlled slave


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a mind controlled slave due to my desire to not stand up and take responsibility for myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long for a partner to give myself worth and for denying the fact that I long for the perfect love story that could give me the worth I have abdicated in separation from myself as Self Worth, because I rather pretend that I don't care about having to live and die alone


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living and dying alone


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire relationships outside of me to validate myself and my existence and to prove that I am good because those that do not have relationships are bad, giving that 'nobody wants them'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as bad because i or others are 'not wanted'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a relationship comes about only when "I am wanted" as if I were goods for sale on the marketplace


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that nobody wants me because I believed that my mum did not want me and so I kept replaying this pattern ad nausea until I could prove myself right by behaving and saying things that led to the "nobody wants me prophecy to be full filled


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad about my belief that nobody wants me because when I think that nobody wants me I perceive a loss of my value and a diminishment of my Ego as a woman that can attract men


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sorrow as 'normal' condemning myself and the world one and equal to me to a life of 'normal' sorrow


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that having a secret life and a place when one retires and cries is normal, because in my investigations I found out that most everyone does just that, instead of realizing that there is something not right in this world if we spend half of our times pretending to be someone that we are not and the other half in grief and sorrow and for desiring to believe in love and light as a possible solution for the world because I could not accept that this world is basically flawed having started from a point of fear and separation into individuals and self interest, because I would then have to admit I am flawed and that I need self correction


I forgive myself for accepting and desiring myself to forget about the sorrows of the world and for having spoken the words ;"everyone has their kinks" "define normality" "life is hard"  " we were born to suffer" "we all have a right to have fun" 'work hard party hard" to justify why and how the world is as it is and accepting that since I could do nothing to change it I would better find ways to make it work for me and to justify my lousy participation in the world as a system of interest, so I wouldn't have to change


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am too small to change the world separating myself in delusions of the mind so I would not been able to see that this world and me are One and that to change this world I have to address everything I have accepted and allowed myself to live One and Equal to given that my life as in "live" was designed on an upside down starting point of fear and separation that manifested existence not as 'we live ' but as 'we evil' and I need to turn this around as myself  to allow a world that is best for all to manifest One and Equal to me


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself and standing up consistently to the point that I suppress this fear until B, sounds the trumpet and I am forced to face it through the tears that release the suppression


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the desire to not be responsible for myself but to be taken care of by someone bigger, like the government or the Universe, when I can see now that this is impossible because in my separation and lack of self responsibility I participated in the manifestation of a world of separation and lack of responsibility


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have done my part to change this world by not accepting the systems, meaning living as a rebel not giving a shit about rules and regulations, without seeing that I have just moved into the opposite polarity of the Law abiding citizens but I have not been less of a slave, because slavery can only end when I stand up as the Master of my Life


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face the world because I feared I would be heartbroken to see what I have allowed and accepted myself to become and the world as my reflection One and Equal to me, and I wouldn't have enough tears to cry myself out


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in self judgement of myself as the Ego trip of the righteous one that at least 'hates herself', without realizing that any emotions and feelings and thoughts of self abuse that I accept One and Equal to myself, I manifest outside as this world is my mirror and it will never change, it cannot change until I change and stop all abuses within and as myself


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated myself as I see that emotions and feelings are not real, hate is not real either unless I accept and allow myself to participate in and within it One and Equal


When and as I see myself move or about to move into suppression, I stop, breathe, remind myself that suppressed stuff never goes away but it accumulates into me having to cry to release the build up, so I keep stopping myself from suppressing and face new ways to communicate with others in equal consideration of myself and what is best for all


When and as I see myself moving or about to move into judgement because I cry, I stop, accept that crying is my body releasing in support of me and stop making a big deal out of it until I ca consistently correct to release the pattern of suppression that leads to crying


When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of existence, which is fear of myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fears are of the mind and an indicator that I am not here in Breathe where I am building self trust through self honesty and corrective application, and bring myself back here in and as Breath reminding myself that there is nothing to fear in this existence as I am the creator of it all, through my direct participation or through my acceptances and allowances, and as I have miscreated it, I can stop and correct myself to manifest a world that is Best for all


I commit myself to stop fearing myself as a way of not standing up and taking responsibility for myself and existence, Equal and One, and to stop myself from not seeing that everything that exists in this world is Self and there is nothing to fear but just corrections to be made Breath by Breath


I commit Myself to look for ways to educate myself regarding the current external systems and their relationship to my internal systems so I can correct what is out of alignment and realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All


I commit myself to educate myself to understand how this reality and I work within relationships and how I have manifested everything that exists, until I find all points to correct and realign as me to Oneness and Equality to  allow the manifestation of a world that is best for All and where Life can finally be be born into and as the physical.

Desteni

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