Sunday, April 15, 2012

Day 2: Relationships with Men

Spent the day with a male friend who used to be a partner 20 years ago, I enjoy his company, yet today I saw within our relationship that I accept and allow myself to enjoy the 'female' role playing as a weaker being, not an Equal, because I like to take advantage of the sense of protection that  derive from small gestures that go on during the day, like him holding the umbrella, or carrying a small shopping bag while we walk and I hang on to his folded arm, a picture of a time gone by. But did Time go by fo real ?
I see within this point that I have feared having to stand up alone as a point of self support and that my relationships with men have been tainted by this desire and need for protection because I see the world as an unsafe, brutal place, where a woman standing alone has it harder than standing with a man 'by her side' and so I allow myself to compromise My being Equal to satisfy this desire, to be cared for, so I won't have to stand in self responsibility for myself One and Equal with everything that exists.
I learnt that women's duty is to be attractive, I have worked on this point, I have not corrected it yet, because I flung myself to the opposite polarity of being unattractive according to my own judgement of myself as not being slim, made up and colour matched, but I will tackle this point in another blog, as the Fear of being attractive due to the judgement I have placed on this word since walking process and realizing I have spent a life of sexual manipulation from which I intend to step out.
For today I want to talk about 'weakness as a woman', which is not real, which I have indulged out of convenience because if I did play the weak indulging what I accepted and allowed myself to believe men wanted, someone to protect , as partners of the other polarity of fairy tales, I would get to not have to take care of myself, not be responsible because I could blame everything I felt on them. This was a big point of friction as well that came up to my mind today existing in my marriage due to us  not coming from same cultures and thus no belonging to the same cultural brainwashing,  he would be irritated by my desire to be cared for and I would be irritated by his desire to not care for me.
Once husband said 'it's not my duty to make you happy', it was shocking, I thought it was, they told us that one day a man would come and make us happy, from the idiotic fairy tales to grandmothers and all the other deluded and brainwashed women of the world that, like me, shared this dream, within this hope, instead of standing for myself and existence Equal and One, I suppressed the desire to be 'cared for' and today I saw this point due to the fact that I felt a sense of perfect placement while he held the umbrella and the shopping bag, leaving me to not share equally even within the small daily gestures, but fulfilling his desire as a 'good man' to take care for a woman and my imprint as a woman to be cared for to be fool-filled.
I stood up within this small point by taking back the shopping bag ad insisting on sharing and felt a tinge of regret for having to let go this unspoken manipulation construct that seemed to work for both of us out of preprogramming and accepted and allowed behavioural role playing but that I saw as not supportive for myself and for what is best for all because within this point I allow and accept myself as hopeless and needing something, someone outside of myself to be able to stand in support of myself as an Equal.
I can self support me, I am not weak and needing a man standing by me, I can take care of myself and support myself without playing role games just because this is what I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as, having accepted and allowed myself to link the word 'feminine' as needing care and attention and rescue, like all the idiotic fairy tales where women are half witted and lame, one Sleeping Beauty, one the servant to Seven Dwarfs , one the forgotten stepsister of 2 evil brats, all saved by the Grace of a man and his loving kiss.
In my accepted and allowed Inequality with men I have allowed within myself patterns of anger that I blamed on them, while I was angry at myself for not standing up as an Equal and manifested One and Equal  outside of me this pattern as part of the relationships of inequality between men and women, where we get less from Life, we are paid less because I as a peg of this system of Inequality contribute to the value system of women of the world, valuing myself less than a man and then for resenting him for having more value than me, which is all self created within my unwillingness to take Self responsibility for myself. Within my relationship with men I contribute to Inequality towards women, to the worthlessness of women in the world that are a play out of my participation in and as existence as my worth-less-ness than men within me as the mind in my desire to have them do what I am not willing to do for myself, care for me while I skip along not caring for myself as an Equal and One to everything that exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men are our saving grace from an existence of slavery and cleaning and sweeping and sleeping like fairy Tales told us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this fairytales because I rathered not take care for myself but have someone take care of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being cared for so I won't have to care for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men for how I felt about myself when they did not care for me instead of realizing I blamed myself for not caring for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that one day a man would come along that would love me for who I am, instead of realizing I was the one not loving me for who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man opens the door for me, lights me a cigarette, carries my bags and holds the umbrella when it's raining I am foolfilled into my feminine role because someone is taking care of me, and this is what I exist for as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to meet a gentleman, defining gentleman a man that takes care of me, because I desired to not take care of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for myself now because I have lost view of my moving point for taking care of myself which meant to 'make myself attractive' so I could pull the man that would care for me, instead of standing up and caring for myself One and Equal as Self Directive Principle and not for any other reason than unconditional self support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a system of Inequality between men and women to fulfill my desire to be cared for as a less capable being and as such for creating the less capable view on women that I had to face all my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I always had to fight to straighten this Inequality issue with men, to gain ground within the gap that I myself created due to my desire to be taken care of as a lesser being, while I blamed them for the Inequality issue that I projected on them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define 'femininity' as fragility as in having the need to be cared for because I am fragile and I cannot take care of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that men where more worthy because in my culture they are valued more and I accepted and allowed myself to believe that if they were valued more than I was valued less

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value myself less than men and for placing my self worth out 'there' for comparison within this competition polarity creation in which I have accepted and allowed myself to participate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me as Self Worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at men for having the world as their oyster while we had to fence to find a place in the world without seeing I was angry at myself for accepting and allowing myself to make do with my placement of birth within a specific gender defined roleplay as weaker and less capable/worthy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop devious relationship with men because my grandmother said that we wear the crown and are more intelligent but we must never let them know or it will crush their Ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in dishonesty to try and get what I was not willing to give myself which was gender Equality beyond cultural beliefs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for suppressing myself around men and not being self directive in fear tha their Egos would be crushed because I wanted the right to hold on to mine within the gender definition I had accepted and allowed and learned to live with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sex as an unspoken point of strength because I have accepted and allowed myself to define men as dick-heads in separation from myself, looking for fault within them to make them less and push them down off the pedestal where I myself had put them through my acceptances and allowances of gender Inequalities I have lived one and Equal to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and make men less and wrong and find fault with them so I would not have to fear their being more and having power over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scan men as potential sex/relationship partners when I meet them instead of standing One and Equal to them as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value more men with more money than men with less money because the potential to care for me of men with more money than the ones with less money was higher and that made them more attractive to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt and shameful for the way I assessed men when I met them as sexual objects or providers not different from how I perceived they assessed me as sexual object and care taker

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a point of gender Inequality in the World system instead of standing up in self honesty and self forgiveness to erase everything I have existed as to be able to recreate Equal relationships with men and to correct myself as existence to become a new pillar of what relationships with men could be once I stand One and equal to them, beyond judgements, expectations, ideas and opinions of the roles we have to play to exists, just because we have accepted and allowed ourselves to beLieve our roles defined us and we would not be able to change

I commit myself to stand as a point of correction for the manifestation of a New relationship between men and women based on Equality and Oneness and what is best for All

When and as I see myself move or about to move into the point of attempting to manipulate a man or allowing a man to manipulate himself into gender role playing, I stop, breathe, remind myself of my commitment, look for points that unfold and show me where and how I am not yet Equal and I stand in Self responsibility and self Correction until I no longer Exist as a point of separation in and as the mind regarding men and women relationships

When and as I see myself desiring to not take care of myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that when I do not care for myself I go hunting for someone who will and making myself unattractive through weight gain is no way to tackle this point because I just show myself I am suppressing my fear that in being self expression which would mean return to my usual physical self expression I may be approached and I fear not behaving for what is best for All, showing myself that I still don't stand as Self trust that when I am Here in Breath I can tackle every point of separation until I stand changed as what is best for All

When and as I see myself abusing myself to keep myself suppressed about my desire to have relationships with men, I stop, breathe, see in specificity the judgements I hold about myself regarding how I behaved in the past, release it through Self Forgiveness and keep walking to stand One and Equal in and as what is best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear about having to address this point of separation, I stop, breathe, remind myself it took me  time to build this 'female' personality and I can walk it backward in breath, in self honesty and self forgiveness until I can stand One and Equal to men, no longer separated by who I have been or who I thought I have been

When and as I see myself looking at men as less or more than me, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am no longer participating in gender competitions as I move consistently to stand as an Equal to heal myself and the world One and Equal to me regarding gender Role Play, separation and Inequality between me and men, so we may stand One and Equal and walk together what is best for All

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