Day 46: Fami-Lies and the Debt System

For 2 days I have been disturbed by the Creation's Journey to Life Blogs, the first one is titled

Parenting Patterning Fear and Control

from which this sentence is the one with the highest 'off-ending' value to me' as in off-sending me into some Mind trips and Blame Constructs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every emotion, action, word, pattern produces in the child a chemical response that is associated with a feeling-experience - and that the parent will seek the patterns that the child responds to in a way where the parent feel is in control, and then the parent will call this the personality development of the child, while it is in fact the creation of a chemical dependency in the child’s body that produces a feeling, which as a feeling will play the major decisive role in regards to what the child will become as the New Adult will make decisions and create the world based on the feelings they are addicted to, and even create more chemical responses of greater feelings by training the body to produce chemicals that eventually will lead some adults to become gurus, masters, lightworkers, successful people all based on feelings created by an addicted body - though the mind will get all the honor, while the mind is not the real Creator of the feelings.

The second One is called  

In the name of Love 

This one fared better in the Off(s)ending that I felt, and I took out 3 sentences that did the trick for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to see that the parent would force the child to learn patterns of behaviour and speech as early as possible, patterned on the patterns that have been proven by history to not be in the best interest of Humanity or Earth - and yet no effort is made at any level to stop this abuse, and in fact the right of the parent to visit the sins of the fathers on the children is seen as a right that may not be challenged, as God apparently gave the parent the right to ownership over the child to do whatever the parent sees fit for the child – regardless of the fact that the result of patterns taught can be measured and thus much of the outcomes of a human Life can be patterned to greatness and equality, yet the pattern used is fear that is programmed into the body to a level of physical addiction that repeats itself as personality that gives the parent great joy to see themselves MIRRORED in their children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any form of religious indoctrination that the parent impose on the child is conveniently protected under freedom of speech, allowing the freedom to abuse not only the New Children but also the planet – regardless of the fact that the consequences are known, just because it fits unscrupulous business, political and religious leaders and allows them free reign to feed off the terror and fear programmed into the human generation after generation, so that no possibility exists to bring a world that is best for all Life that will expose abusive leadership and stop the intentional spreading of rumours and lies purely to protect power and profit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the damage done to a child to become an insufficient, irrational adult is not done to the mind, but through the MIND into the physical as a permanent, chemically induced, infused bodily response pattern hidden behind thought and words visible as behaviour, beliefs, fears, mannerisms, thoughts, secret thought, desires, all exactly in similar patterns to what exists in the parent – that is why the metaphor says: like father like son. The Desteni Portal allowed for the total reinvestigation of all things to see direct with cross-reference how reality actually functions and those with some regard for Life left in them should pay very close attention.

The reason why I had reactions that I tried to suppress are various, one is that I dislike to 'attack' my family as the source of my fuck ups, yet I see in this script the possibility served on a golden platter, to just walk away from my response-Ability to embrace Blame, second is that in truth I always wanted to Blame my family and tried hard for most of my life but then I pretended to give up and went  for therapies because at some level I understood that it was a passing on of patterns, like if we were imprinting each other with each other traumas and bullshit that did not end with the FamiLies, it goes on into infinity, until We Stop.

Then there was the point of 'I don't want to discuss this in an open Blog', that my mum can read (mum, remember what I explained to you, it's nothing personal, it's just systems releasing systems :)), in which I will expose what I felt for my family and what probably many of us felt for our families and could not explain and then suppressed and then felt ashamed about and then guilty and by the teen age all this compounding comes out in disgust and rage, but I was never angry at my family, I was always angry at myself, how could I accept and allow myself to turn into a Circus Clown, to imprint myself with my family history, traditions, beliefs, ideas and when i did not, with the polarity of all of the above.

Yesterday as well I saw how the Debt and Credit system starts, the Ledger starts in the FamiLie, where everyone pretends to be someone else, where everyone lies and doesn't own up to their real emotions and feelings and where we are asked to do and say things 'to make others feel good' and so we start to perpetrate the madness of The Mind as ourselves into endless loops of Blame for which we write on the Credit columns, and Shame and Guilt for which we write on the Debts column, then we grow up and take the fucking Ledger into the world, we live squaring books, accounts, building Credits in a world of Debts, while Fear eats us up, that the Debts may one day swallow us and remove us from existence once and for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I hated my family because I couldn't work out how to stop this imprinting that I could see myself participate in and as, becoming the undesired clone of patterns of abuse and excesses that I ended up beLieving to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of Love/Hate within the family system and for feeling and judging myself as good when I beLieved I Loved them and bad when I beLieved I hated them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful when I believed I hated my family instead of seeing I was just participating in an Energetic Polarity Construct of negative/Positive for the purpose of generating energy for myself as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by and throgh the emotions and feelings I lived One and equal to me and for believing these Emotions and Feelings to be me as Who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass on to other Children, the wisdom of Imprinting them with patterns of Energetic rewarding/punishment as a way to make them be/have and tame them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that manipulating others into patterns of emotions/feelings as punishment/reward systems, building credits/debts along the way was acceptable just because someone did it to me and so I had to pass it on instead of seeing I always had a choice to do what was best for me as an Energy system or to do What is best for All as Life and I picked the choice to do what was best for me as a collector of Energy/Credit units for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting about my family in case my mum reads this thread and she feels off-ended about it, meaning that I would be the cause of a loss of Energy/Credit Unit and I would then be resented

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent those that took Energy/Credit Units from me, believing that it was their doing, instead of seeing my own acceptance and allowance in the participation of me in and as the Credits/Debt System of Energy as a way for me to exist as the Ego of and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear interacting with others, because in every interaction due to my comparison/competition I would subject myself to the potential of losing Energy/Credit Units to someone that i would define More than me, instead of seeing that I could stop All Games by renouncing the Ledger of the Debt/Credit system that I have lived in and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that the sins of the father could be passed on from generation to generation, in fear that I was doomed to become/be like my family, failing to see that by accepting and allowing myself to be born into and as separation within a system of abuse I had already given my permission for the cloning of me as a unit of Self Interest that generates power through friction and that I have lived a life of friction for the purpose of creating more and more Energy for myself so I could beLieve I was more than others who had a lower Energy/excitement/friction existence as I defined myself according to my Ledger of accumulated Energy/Credit Units toward the World in separation from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to Blame my family for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and within this I abdicated my response-ability, projecting my guilt and shame on them for my participation in and as a system of self interest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the Blame for my family when I understood that Blame was not a desirable emotion, while I kept blaming them inside of me, in the depth of me, because I rathered be the victim that the one that would have to stand and stop what I had accepted and created myself into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and to store my life in convenient patterns of abuse, so I could remain 'the victim' and justify why I was not  standing up in and as the Solution of myself as Life, One and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was fucked beyond repair and for fearing turning out like my mother, who was not mentally stable because she fought herself as The Mind all Her Life without having the tools that are now offered to me by Desteni, to get out of my own Self Created Hell, in which I dwelled for most of my Life and in which I dragged others with me while I tried to make sense of why I felt so sickened by Life and myself and I did not want to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die because I didn't want to live and face the manifested consequences of my existence in and as The Mind, and everything that I have accepted and allowed to imprint into me, that became me as The Mind in The Physical, from which I now have to delete the energetic polarities I have embedded into my body that create and drive me automatically into friction for the purpose of manufacturing energy for my existence in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask myself the question 'if I deserved to live', having seen and judged myself as the source of my and others' suffering, a destruction machine that I could not stop, did not know how to stop, instead of seeing that if I Breathe I am Alive and every Breath is a chance to start new, and I could see the Mercy of Life standing in and as the example of Self Forgiveness, so I keep walking myself into the Self Correction of Me, until I stand One and Equal to the Physical in and as Self Forgiveness, to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All, for myself as Life, and all of existence, One and Equal

I commit myself to stop my patterns of 'Victimhood' that I kept alive in the desire to blame who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become onto my Family, instead I stand in and as self responsibility, accepting that I am the result, the outflow and the manifested consequence of my own separation from Oneness and Equality and that I am walking myself in and as Self Correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my existence in and as a Debt/Credit collector/ generator, supporting my existence as a Unit of Energy in and as The Mind, stopping my desire and search for friction to feel 'alive' realizing that a-live means without live, without Life, and that Life is not defined or limited by thoughts, emotions and feelings, but exists Here stable in every moment of Breath 

I commit myself to walk myself patiently out of the Mind and out of my existence of and as an Energy Unit Debt Creator and Credit accumulator, to stop all the Ledgers of the World, to stop the Debt System that is now manifested in and as The Money/Debt System within me as The World, so we may manifest a World that is Debt Free, as me, as Life and existence Equal and One

Day 26: Relationship Failures - Fantasy vs Reality

Even before meeting Desteni I knew that something was not right within the Relationship system, as women we grow up with such losers as role models that Need a Man to Be Happy that it is clear that there is a Fantasy imprinting from society and Family that revolves around Relationships.

A few years ago I bought some Politically Correct Fairy Tales for the daughter of my Best friend, where Little Red Riding Hood actually killed the wolf and moved on to a 'successful life', Sleeping Beauty woke up by herself, and Cinderella run away from the Stepmother house.

Today I see that even when we try "to right the wrong" of the stories, we are still trapped inside a Polarity system within a fantasy world of the Mind.

We only have two polarities to play, we either win or lose, and we keep going even after the break ups, in the way we tell the story as a way to gain value and not lose it, Relationships as they are today are plainly pathetic and nothing to look forward to.

Today at the Gym, I chatted with a lady and we moved onto the usual questions : 'Are you married ? kids?', so I told my story and then she told her story. Since she just had kids, one was 3 and one was 4 years old, I 'assumed' she had a good relationship.

This is obviously an idiotic assumption, as it has been proved that relationships as were intended, based on the energy of attraction and sex, cannot last beyond 2 years, men stop producing the hormones that keep them interested and 'devoted', and women resent the change in interest, more or less all the stories seem to develop along the same lines, it's either Cheating to find again the excitement of the beginning with someone else, the Desire and the feeling of being Desired, which is nothing but a surge of Energy, or they just die out in suppression and unhappiness inside the perceived unfullfillment for both, until resentment sets in for good,  this is in the 95% of cases, the other 5% were possibly preprogrammed to have good relationships and become points of comparison and competition, resulting in the widespread sense of being a failure and being inadequate of the remaining 95%.

The lady went on and told me her relationship in fact sucked, she went on to say that the best is when 'the man is much more 'in love' than the woman, much more involved than the woman, she should just care a little when he cares a lot, that is the best way'

'When she said this I remembered my grandmother having the same advice, she had plenty of advices about how 'to handle men', a string of passed on manipulations that went from pillow talk, trading sex for favours (recently an ex boyfriend told me that when we used to play cards I would bet a blow job -he thought it was endearing-..., but of course..., conveniently suppressed and removed, because the shame and guilt  I have lived for who I have been within manipulation and self interest of my secret mind within my relationships was just too much to face, so stuff kept piling up and I kept feeling less and looking for lesser men to mirror myself and what I had allowed and accepted myself to become as the system embodiment of a 'perfect woman', exchanging Sex for 'love' and lying about both), to the plain keeping secrets or lying 'for his own good or because it was just the best thing to do'.

When I was in Hong Kong women were reading the new books about 'how to get a man, keep him, make him happy, successful relationships, 10 sex positions' as we admitted things were not working and we looked for ways to twist and turn even further into oblivion, it's clear that we need Relationship Training, we suck at relating to each other, our communication skills are lost within the Games of the Mind, while the Education System teaches us things as useless as Algebra - that I have not used once since I left school for any reason whatsoever - we are not taught how to create self responsible relationships that work, our Relationship failure rate is astounding and relationships are the Family foundation where children are born and then fucked up for Life, imprinted with the same failures of the parents and all the other couples who pretend to be fine while they entertain all sorts of nasty thoughts about  each other in secret and how to move on at the earliest chance with the least financial damage possible. 

Yes, relationships of today are just another trading place, we trade who we are for Money, our Life for a Dream, lost in the Illusions and Dreams of the Mind, running after one Energy fix after another to define ourselves and the lives we live into successful experiences.

The Love of the fairy Tales is a lie, there are only 2 places for that kind of Love, Disneyland and Holly-wood, through which we keep knocking each other on the head with pictures and images of what will never be that we may live to long for, until the end of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brainwash myself with fantasy stories about relationships and what to expect from relationships denying myself the chance to in fact experience a real relationship with someone in my life as I lost myself in my mind of dreams and expectations that were and cold never be fulfilled

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the creation and support of a system of manipulation of men because they are just dumb and led by their dicks, instead of seeing that I myself have been sex driven and made myself Stupid with Sex and Desire for sex

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge men as dumb for being led by their dicks, instead of realizing they existence like mine was preprogrammed and Sex played a particular role in existence and we have all been driven to Sex for the purpose of manufacturing Energy for Heaven

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dumb myself down following my own desires for Sex and my Sex drive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trade my physical body and an act of self expression on a card game just to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that physical expression of me as Self is not good enough and I need to spice it up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate men into relationships through sex, just because I could

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find value for myself in being desired and for manipulating desires out of men because I needed an energy fix and an Ego boost to keep me going as a system of Energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a fairy tale romance that sweeps me off my feet, instead of realizing every time I allow myself to be swept off my feet I will have to land again and at every landing I realize I have lost something of myself through the Energy games of me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be hugged by a man because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough to myself and that I need a man to be complete

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire to be hugged by a man, because I judge myself as weak for not standing alone and being enough to myself 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself o judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship and because I did not want to seem weak I suppressed tthis desire instead of facing it and reeasing it through Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject Love stories/movie in Fear that a longing will be activated in me about not having one and desiring one underneath my suppression

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my desire for a fairy tale romance because I have realized they are not real, yet I have not let go this point because, one never knows

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to engage the last man that wrote to me into a conversation when he has been clear about wanting a relationship and I am not wanting one for real and I would be only manipulating him to give me the energy fixes I crave

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use men to get my energy fixes because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enough and tha I am in fact an Energy system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being approached by a man because I don't yet trust myself that I won't move automatically into personality games of seductions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to stand for what is best for me and What is Best for All, One and Equal, outside of Energy games of me as the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the desire/delusion of a romance to live as an Energy fix, I stop, breathe, remind myself I am equalizing myself with men and everything that exists and that I will no longer do to others what I don't want done to me, as everything is me as Self in this Creation and I move to stand in and as Oneness and Equality as Life and What is Best for All for.

When and as I see myself longing or about to move myself into longing for the perfect Fairy Tale romance due to activation of my accepted and allowed preprogramming, I stop, breathe, remind myself that only if and when I let go of the delusion will I be able to experience Life as Myself and have a real supportive relationship with another Human being in which both of stand for Life in Oneness and Equality in Self Support for What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer participate in Energy Games based on the use and abuse of Men and to expose to myself where I am still walking a program of Inequality to Self Correct so I can stand as Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to no longer support or be part of the system of manipulation of each other of and as relationships until I can trust myself to be able to walk and stand as an Equal to a Man, in self support, for Life and what is Best for All.

Day 9: Death of a friend

I had 2 experiences in my Life with the Death of a friend, 3 in fact, two were real, and one was not, for the non real one, she did die too, but just in my mind.

I had a dream about her, twice in two days, I had read the Blog on Regret , and how to let it go, or better, how to not let it go until we make sure we clear that point that prompted the regret who is actually always with us reminding us how we live, what goes on in our secret mind, prompting us to stop, while we keep going, muffling it up, putting a cushion on its head to not hear the regretful screams, I did not get it two days ago, I'm on a delayed train, I do get things, just a little slower, they have to sink in when I am not watching to understand the point with my mind, to force it down my throat in the usual act of  forcing what could be seen clearly in awareness effortlessly, I'm still a living fight with myself on my way to correction, so something must have compounded and I dreamed about the non-dead-but-Dead-to-me-One, as a clear point of suppression.

In my dreams, we were still friends, I noticed how I cherished that feeling of 'safety' of a space where I was really wanted around, appreciated, special.

I cannot recall the details but I know it has to do with regret, funny because when I read the regret script and it talked about relationships, it went over my head, my mind said, 'you don't have relationships' which is true as in 'sentimental/ romantic relationships', I don't really consider Friendships as relationships as in the context I have read, due to the way my mind translates the word in Italian, which is related more to sex, more intimate, more exclusive, instead friendships are relationships, and both are just ships one boards to deny the truth that we are alone in this journey, that we have to face the fact that until I can trust me, I will never ever be able to trust anyone, and until I stop to fear me I cant' stop fearing You.

To add some benevolence here I can say I felt less for my friends that died, they died, our friendship never imploded, it did not have time, it was not the same, they did not leave behind a gap of guilt and shame and a sense of loss, they simply died, there is no refusal in death as in life, they did not die to spite me, we spite in life as we move along our ideas of ourselves and do whatever it takes to keep them alive, to keep our sense of worth alive in separation from who we are as Life.

When the friendship with my girlfriend ended, I had a difficult time with myself, one of my primary mind relationships no longer existed and I found it hard to find a balance of me without THIS specific mind relationship that had defined ME for over 10 years, our friendship defined who I was, in her friendship I could reflect my imaginary worth as an Ego, my imaginary goodness and benevolence and she could do the same, then one day the castle of cards imploded and I was alone again, the truth is it ended when she became close to my ex husband, and I moved into jealousy as I feared he would become friend with her as he had not been with me, honest, while our marriage was based on huge dishonesty from both sides, that I shared with my friend, so the fear came as well, that my secrets would be exposed, that what I shared with her in more honesty than I reserved for anyone else, would now be an open book to my ex husband and that he would be able to flip the pages of me, and read what he had never understood and that I failed to express and explain, and this was not OK.

My friendship was based on the containment of secrets, this is why as well when I wrote her a very hurtful letter that I closed with a spiteful line to say 'you see, now I want to harm you as much as you harmed me', which is the epitome of my delusion, in fact she was the cracking point of my delusion, very specific, Because I could not believe anything I wrote to her as I saw all the underline movements of backchat that led me to that point, yet her reply was even more stunning, as I meant I had already done plenty harm with my letter, while she read it as a threat that I would expose HER to her husband. Is this because she did in fact expose me and in our spitefulness and retaliation we believe getting even is an eye for an eye ? an I for an I ? Did she think I would do that because of who I was, or because of who she was ? Or because of who we were ?

In that I saw the point that we are never friends with anyone, we are just the great pretenders and we would do anything we need to do to survive as personalities, an I for an I, there was a purpose to her friendship with my ex husband that did not include me, that made me feel pushed aside because the feeling good of each one of us is what we are really after and not the fluffy goodness we talk about, that one is fake, it's a cut throat world, and it's always been, better you down than me, she did to me what I did to others, including her husband even though i told myself I was more decent, reality is there is no decency in what we do to win a position on the planet as Egos, where if I lose I don't exist and so I win, regardless of how many deaths I live in my wake, so why do we condemn capitalism when capitalism is the Capital I through which we move and face every single thing in our world ?

I stop the Capital I to walk a process that is Best for All, the Capital I will be corrected as Me and as Me the correction will reflect back as the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself in and as relationships in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the relationship of and as my mind than to myself and for looking for worth outside of myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel worthless when my friendship with C. ended

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for my behaviour due to having allowed a backchat to take the driving seat of my life as me and hurting someone else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can hurt someone else when I see I can only hurt myself and others can only hurt themselves within the bubble mind reality in which we have separated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret what I did when I was fueled and motivated by anger that I justified because of something someone did to me instead of taking responsibility for my anger, stop it and stand up to correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire we were still friends with C. because her friendship was a good mirror in my life although a delusional one, but we had managed to walk the tightrope of con-vincing each other we were good people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to 'be good'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I felt after our friendship broke up because I would have to face my own judgement of myself to self forgive it and let it go but I rathered suppress it so I would not have to face myself and stand as the correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs, alchol and food to suppress when the back chat and the consequent emotional typhoon became too much to handle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that my friend raised a spoiled brat just because I imagined I would have done a better job as a mother, even though I knew I would have fucked up royally as a mother which is the reason why I did not have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss my friend and what I beLIEved we had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make her suffer in spitefulness because I believed she made me suffer and she had to pay for it, even though I never admitted this was the reason why I wrote such a nasty letter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that spitefulness is normal when we are faced with let downs because I embraced my culture teachings of passion and revenge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Scorpio are revengeful and since I am a Scorpio I must be revengeful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to spitefulness, manifesting spitefulness in and as the world I have created through my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive myself on this point about my friend, to spite and punish myself for what I have done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful for talking about my best friend with other friends after our fight so I could make it clear She drove me to this point and it was her fault and she was the one to blame, while I could see I did not want to take responsibility for what went on between us to stand up and correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my friends in HK told me that it was clearly C.'s fault and they always wondered why and how I could stand that she had become close friend with my ex, because I did not stood up for her to say I was the one who encouraged it because I wanted to show that I was worldly and not petty as I really was

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as spiteful and petty as bad, instead of seeing that everyone that participates in and as the mind is petty and spiteful and I'm Equal in the fuck up and I'm now equalizing myself to live in and as the correction to walk out of the Mind and birth myself in and as the physical One and Equal as Life

When and as I see myself entertaining my back chat about someone I know, I remind myself that  I no longer participate in gossip, outside with people or inside my mind, as I do what I like to receive and gossiping is not the reflection of the world of support I want to correct myself into and correct the world into One and Equal as me

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spitefulness, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I no longer want to participate in spitefulness of the small or the big kind and breath myself back Here until I no longer think or feel spitefulness for anything or anyone

I commit to eradicate spitefulness from my Life through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application as spitefulness drove this world to this point and spitefulness must end in all its forms to allow a world that is best for all.

I commit to stop my back chat about people in my life through writing and corrective application, until I can stand clear of any spitefulness and manifest this correction in and as the world One and Equal to me.

 

Day 7: Lies as a way of Life

I finally got the H202 by mail from Holland from a site Larry suggested.

I read the instructions and found out you can have an Oxygen bath, it took me almost 1 of the 2 bottle I bought to try that out, so I went into fear that soon I would 'not have enough' to try out the Hydrogen Peroxide program.

Two weeks ago I went to our oldest Chemist shop in Milan and asked them to make it for me, when the doctor asked me what would I use it for and why didn't I buy the ready made one in 36% (which is the one to die your hair blond) I went into a lenghty explanation and I had to force myself to tell her the truth, which was 'I want to start a health program and I have to take daily drops'. Since my starting point was the belief and fear that they might not give it to me, due to my extensive judgement of how the system works against ME/US and the fact that they want to keep ME/US dumb and dependent, I stumbled upon myself a few times, looked like a dumb ignorant woman with airy fairy stories and this led to them writing on the papers I brought a huge "NO" with a red pen.

I left the chemist in anger and frustration, the writing in red letters brought me back to school time and the marks on my assignments, the red ones were always 'BAD', meaning I was 'BAD', I looked at the point, saw that it had nothing to do with them, applied Sf for my reactions and not seeing that it was a starting point of safety the one they came from and that they were just reflecting back to me my existence as a non responsible human being for which, they took responsibility.

I did not let it go, it was just a surface letting go, so when I got the products through the Internet my backchat laid out 10 possible stories I could now relate when going back there to ask them again to make it for me, mostly because I found absurd to have to pay that kind of money plus shipping when behind my home there is a chemist that can make it for me.

It took me a while to work out my back chat in detail, first the few possible stories, built and worded in different ways to make My point, second the point of no longer telling them I wanted to drink it because this was a key point in their refusal to give it to me, third the possible offer of giving them a self written disclaimer to uplift them from responsibility and last, the cherry on the cake, the threat, I could ask them to write down the reasons for their refusal and take them to the Consumer Court, not that I intended to do it, but it was my putting my foot down, to show them that they can't fuck with me, I'm knowledgeable about my rights and an European citizen, I have a right to have access to anything that is available in Europe and that I can buy through Internet. All this happened when I had not yet gone out of the door, when I became aware, I stopped and breathed, put on my MP3 to listen to Anu's interviews and walked to the Chemist telling myself that I did not need to THINK about it if I told them the truth and that I would not threaten them of anything, in fact this idea of threatening them left me quite disgusted with myself, than one wonders how BIG threats are going on in the world every day, am I not part of the threatening system this world has become ?

So, I reached the chemist, and approached the same doctress that last time told me yes first but then the chemist forbid the making of it and she told me to go and talk to the chemist directly this time.

I felt agitated, I took out my H202 bottle received by mail and told them maybe I had made a mistake between volume and percentage (this was one of my prepared stories) start by taking the 'blame' and could she check again as this bottle I got was not dangerous as I spilled some on my hand and nothing happened (which was true after I had poured it in a glass bottle, she told me later, probably diminishing it's burning effect), anyway, I brought with me one empty bottle, to show her I had already used it responsibly and I was alive, and one sealed bottle.

The sealed bottle leaked on both of our hands...and spotted them white, this was embarrassing because I felt she would think I lied the one time I did not,  stressed the fact that I needed 2 litres to take oxygen baths, I never talked again about drinking it and she did not ask, even though I brought with me the program paper again that did in fact talk about it.

Anyway, she accepted to make it for me.

While I walked out from the chemist I did not have my usual feeling of 'winning' an argument, in fact I felt rather humiliated to see that my real nature and the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as is to lie first, which is weird even to write out, because I never considered 'makig up stories' as lying since this is what everyone does, and I could not feel guilty for just doing it better, but the becoming aware of how I as the mind would just do anything, say anything, even in instances that are quite insignificant like this 'just to win' left me depressed.

Not only, I make my shopping online now to avoid supermarkets and the thousands of 'special offers' that I give in to because I buy into the bullshit that the 'more you buy he more you save' and I have been correcting myself a lot on this point but I have found out that when I buy online I spend much less, which proves I am a mind controlled slave, that responds to marketing tricks and designs to push me to buy, the way things are laid out, the huge 'special offers red signs' etc.

Anyway, for same odd reasons I am one day behind in my head, my mum says I lost it in February, I don't know how it's possible to 'lose a day' but I know that  had 4 incidents since February when I thought it was the day after, like I thought it was Friday on a Thursday.

Yesterday it happened again, so I was supposed to have my delivery on Friday, and thought yesterday was Friday, I had requested they delivered between 6pm and 8pm, but I was late coming back from the chemist, I arrived home at 6.25 pm, first I told myself they had not come yet, then I started to fear they did come but waited until 8 pm and then called, the offices were closed, I even rechecked the supermarket confirmation and DID NOT notice it was for Friday, which proves another point, that we do not see reality but what we believe and accept reality to be, so I spent last night making up stories to tell them about why THEY did not find me at home, I went into this backchat for abut 20 minutes, I had made up 3 good stories at least, all of them leading to make THEM responsible for missing me, and again, this is not lying, just a way of life, then I caught myself as this was kind of quietly happening in the background of me with my occasional approval and I stopped, breathed and told myself that I would just call them this morning, come clean and apologize that I had been late and what we could do to fix MY miss-take.

Immediately all back chat stopped.

Yesterday I had a flash of the Doctor House serial and his comment, that everyone lies, and why he would go and check their homes for clues to work out their mysterious diseases, it's true, everyone lies as a way of life, starting with ME.

This morning when I called the supermarket and told them the truth, we discovered together the delivery was for tonight, so in 2 days, I had to face my desire to lie, no more, my dishonest nature twice, and how I have excused it all my life as the 'way things are and I better get good at this blaming game'.

Interestingly, none of the lies I desired and concocted to tell were in fact necessary, why not face the truth of me as a responsible person, why did I feel odd telling the truth in both cases, if not because the truth is alien to me and I am just not used to ever telling it like it is ?

I felt ashamed, so if I am a chronic liar, why do I expect to live in an honest world ?

Why should the politicians and the governments and the church and the psychics and the Elite and everyone else stop lying before me ?

Arent' they my representatives, aren't they the mirror of myself in my own creation where the world as me has aligned to what I accept and allow in and as myself ?

So I stop the liar in me to bring back honesty to this world, One and Equal to me and to walk my path of correction to build Self Trust as me, because as Cathy said, only when I stop lying as a way of life can I believe YOU, only when I stop fearing me can I stop fearing YOU.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to backchat myself into lying as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for ways to blame others so I don't have to stand as a responsible human being in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling the truth in fer of the con-sequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the con-sequences that I myself design for myself through my participation in this world as self-dishonesty, instead of standing in and as self honesty in everything I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self honest, for fear of facing all the times in which I have been self dishonest as a way of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self dishonesty as the way things are in the blaming game of this world and for making myself just 'better at it' meaning better at not being found out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the important thing about 'telling stories' is to build them convoluted enough to never have to be found out and having to face my self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into my backchat first to check what I could say and what stories would be most convenient for me to tell, instead of standing as a self responsible human being and speaking myself here in breath and self trust that I can always face the consequences of my actions and when needed correct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to portray myself as different and more than I am so I can feel good about myself, no matter which lies I will have to tell along the way to get to the 'good feeling' place about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lessened by red marks on a piece of paper as a sign that I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone tells me NO I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for catching myself wanting to lie as a way of life instead of stopping the shame as a emotion resulting from thoughts and backchat I have allowed myself to participate in and as, stop, breath and walk my self correction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not notice that my lies as a way of life are reflected back to me in the dishonest world I live in and as, and that to change the world into Honesty and Trust, I have to change me as the world One and Equal into Self Honesty and Self Trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the dishonesty in the world and for hating to live in such dishonest world, while in fact I have always only been the dishonest one and always and only hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for my dishonesty and for not standing up as the change that I want to see in this world, One and Equal to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be-LIEve that hate is real

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into a mind personality to portray myself as different from who I am in fear of others judgement, which is my own judgement of Self, I stop, breathe, remind myself that fear is not real and that I can be self honest about myself when I no longer have anything to hide

When and as I see myself desiring to lie to win an argument or to blame someone else for my own miss-takes, I stop, breathe, remind  myself that I do not need to win an argument or to fear making a miss-take, only Egos want to win arguments and fear, because winning and fear are not real

When and as I see myself blaming anything outside of myself for their dis-honesty, I stop, breath, bring it back to Self and remind myself that I am correcting myself to no longer exist as a Liar, so I can develop Self Trust and trust in the world, One and Equal

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument, I stop, breathe, remind myself only Egos need to win to prove they exist and are superior to others, I no longer want superiority for myself and inferiority for another but Equality for All as One as Me

I commit myself to stop lying as a way of Life and to dig into myself to see how I have designed myself to never be honest in fear of losing out and losing myself 

I commit myself to breathe before I speak, check that I have no reactions that can fuel my automated shift into a mind personality that lies as a way of life, and in breath speak me as me, no longer separated from my words, but One and Equal to them, so that my words may build substance as Life and become the Life givers they should have always been and not the Life takers I turned them to be in my life of self interest and separation