Day 96 - Me as Arrogance - Childhood/Early Teenage Years

For context see Yesterday's Post - Childhood years

Like the point of being a Tiger Tamer and  Defender of The Oppressed, none of which was true, during my primary/secondary school, according to the Italian system, which means around 13 years of age, I was the Math teacher's pet and considered a Math Genius.

My math teacher was a nun, as I spent many years with the Catholic private education, 4 at kindergarten as they took me in at 2 because my mum was busy working, 5 for primary and 3 for the primary/secondary, all private schooling.

While I was in primary school my mum worked in the building facing our school courtyard, she was the only parent that was so close and she would look for me in the courtyard from the window shout at me 'little muse' smiling and waved at me, this became annoying as I grew up as I felt 'watched' and not free to move.

Generally I had a few reasons to feel like the odd kid at kindergarten and primary school, my mum would be the last to come and pick me up due to work, so I was always the last to leave school and had to sit trough the Latin praying time, I had a black doll given to me by my flower child father - as a bridge to non-racism- for whom the nuns would knit woolen  clothes, I had access to secret money and I was always told 'I could do more'.

This 'could do more' was a trait in my life, I knew I could, I just did not want to, I always did the minimum to survive, yet the message was that I was more intelligent than my results at school, a secret weapon that I could decide to use or not, this was about how much freedom I believe I had, only the freedom to 'not do too well at school'.

In primary secondary, when we were introduced to more complicated math, I used to actually see the numbers playing up in my head, this happened in primary as well, I could see the results developing in my mind, I can't explain how or why it happened but Math was the easiest thing for me once I got the hang of the abstract point of it all, an ability I lost with growing up, when math was no longer as magical and as self resolving in my mind the more I tried to understand why and how I was able to do what I did.

So in secondary school, while I diligently flew under the Merit radar, one day I replied too fast to a 'what's the root number' question. It had seemed just so obvious since we were authorized to use the tables, it meant running my finger on a line to the root number, a very underwhelming feat, yet as I was the first one I got to reply a very high score AND the label as a Math Genius. I tried to explain that it really was nothing to everyone, even my mum, yet when everybody seemed so proud of me I hang on to the title for good.

During primary/secondary I was not too arrogant, I was the class clown, I spent my days high on sugar from the candies I bought at the school shop run by the nuns, one girl wrote a poem for me titled the clown that ended with, 'in the evening the clown cries and melts his mask', I was very disturbed about this as I wondered where did she pick up the clue of my existential sadness, was I not a good clown ?

Primary/secondary went by with no major events, apart from one point that stands out, which is how bad my lunch boxes were compared to the ones of the other kids. My mum worked full time, in the evening she kept and balanced  the books for the coffee Company my grandma worked for or she had typing assignments that she took home to make extra money, she did not have the time to cook delicious meals for me to pack in my lunch box, instead she would send me to school with packed cheese or salami and a fruit or something similar, in my eyes this was a point of diminishment as I related the good delicious hand made food of the other kids when lunch time came and all of us opened our lunch boxes, to the love of their mums and used this point to not feel loved or cared for properly..

So, as I was already angry as a kid for comparing myself to my mum, judging her as 'good and caring' and myself as 'bad and selfish' I added this point to balance things out 'you don't care for me properly' and kept compounding anger that I would suppress because I wanted to be 'good' and not 'bad'.

Meanwhile I moved up to high school, my mum decided that since I was a Math Genius because this resulted from the attitudinal tests as well, I should have a chance to enter the scientific private high school system, which cost an enormous amount of money for which she was willing to sacrifice.

When I entered school I was back at primary, among rich kids who displayed rich kids clothes and attitudes, while I felt like a pariah, not up to the task of even being there.

The teachers changed for every topic, no longer in the cocooned Catholic world where Math and Science were taught together, or English, Italian and History by the same teacher resulting in not having to face many different personalities, here every hour a new teacher would step in with a new subject.

Technical Drawing I could not even understand it, Greek and Latin were hard, Math went to a level that I could not comprehend while I was going through all these emotions and feelings of inadequacy, that later built up into more arrogance so I could believe I was MORE and not LESS than others, until I stopped going to school altogether and went to the neighboring park instead with a rich girlfriend that I knew from years back from my holidays at the sea where she had a villa.

Her mother would allow us to stay at their home when we missed school, considering it was winter, every day I pretended to go to school and did not, until my mum found out 3 months later.

That's when she told me to go and stay with my grandmother or she would have killed me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the odd kid at kindergarden and primary because my mum came to pick me up later than any other parents and for believing I was not loved like the other kids, even though the point that my mum had to work was clear to me, so I believed this as a choice, to victimize myself and build my Self Pity Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having to sit through the Latin prayers, because I could not understand what they were saying and I was afraid to repeat them in case it was something I should not be saying at all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel special because my mum would call me 'little mouse' and wave to me from the window, only to resent it years later when I was around 11 and 12 and I wanted to run around the courtyard with the boys who were pulling up our skirts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated when one day one of the nuns punished me for the 'pulling up the skirt game' by asking me to lie on her knees and then spanking me in front of the whole class and I associated playing with men as something bad that one could be punished for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel too guilty to tell my mother because I believed that it was my fault as noone else got punished but me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sexuality and punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body with sugar and candies as a way to suppress the emotions and feelings I felt in the classroom we shared with boys that I could not explain or make sense of and I did not want to talk about it in fear of being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my mother to a conservative, self righteous stance and for assuming she could not be told certain things that I ended up keeping as suppressed secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was special because the nuns knitted woolen clothes for my doll and I thought they did it out of pity because I was always the last kid to leave the school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was always the last kid leaving school and even the nuns took pity on me, I was a victim and my mum was an abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never do all that I could do and for using my secret weapon of flying below the Merit Line as my way to rebel, feel free and spite my mum

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since not doing all I could at school was my priviledge and my only choice at that age, I should take full advantage of it and drag my feet through the education system so I would show them all who was boss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I did not enjoy school, when in fact I did not enjoy how I experienced myself at school and it had nothing to do with the school but with me and what was going on inside of me as what I believed to be Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when my mum would go for the 'Teacher's Chats' to see how I was doing because I knew I was just shuffling my feet and never doing my best as my own way to spite them all from my mum to the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was spiting the system instead of seeing and realizing I was only spiting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to spite others in my perceived lack of power and control over my experience, making them responsible for how I perceived myself, failing to see that it was me experiencing myself and noone else and that I was the one responsible for my experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to damage my body with sugar binges, seeking for ways to pacify myself within my beliefs that I was a victim, to be pitied and conforted for the harsh life I had of bad lunch boxes that I could not compare with other kids and feel proud about, as a point showing my mother's love, as I read other kids lunchboxes, translated them in time required to prepare them and then compared to the time my mother was not putting in for me, instead of seeing and realizing that my mum was working like a dog putting in all the time she did just so I could have a private education with higher standard, on which I pissed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly feel guilty because I knew my mother was working like a dog for my education and I was NOT putting in my part as the best I could do, instead finding reasons why I shouldn't as the point that I was loved less for my lunch boxes, so I could be angry at her and feel that what I did not do was justified

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my mum and judge her as "good and generous" and myself as "bad and selfish", failing to see we were both embodying Characters for maximum friction and she just happened to be the one in the middle with the positive Character while I was with my grandmother on the fringes with a negative Character, guaranteeing for all of us friction as our Energy supply so we could kep up the Characters game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I never wanted to be as hard working as my mum, as I judged her as a loser for not having achieved Money Value knowing that by comparison I was making far more money than she was by just being 'nice ' to my grandparents and associating being nice and supporting other Characters as a way to make a living that I kept on as years went by

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that since I could never be as good and generous as my mum, who was herself driven by the desire for acceptance, I would be the opposite, I would excel in selfishness and just thinking about me, would never have kids, would never make the effort of engaging in long term relationships, because she proved that all these things are useless as they do not lead to the Money/value/Worth point and I would never be like her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire acceptance and for suppressing this desire because I saw where it led with my mum, who was the doormat of the whole family

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself when I entered scientific high school, to feel lost, inadequate, as I had already placed value on Money as the Value system instead than on Life and I could not successfully compete with the other kids, I simply gave up within my sense of diminishment and inability to play 'the special one' as I had nothing special going for me as I had no money, no expensive clothes or shoes, no mum waving at me from the window and nobody knitting woolen clothes for my doll PLUS my secret money seemed ridiculous within that context, in which I imagined rich kids being able to buy anything that they wanted, to give themselves value, while I was worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was worthless and useless because I compared myself to other rich kids and did not find anything of value within me as me, failing to realize I could never find anything of value outside of me to prove the value of me in separation from myself as Self Worth/Self Value, Characters have no Value/Worth because they are Not Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself at the private scientific high school and for spending days at the park, keeping my life a secret with my mum, not speaking up and telling her what I was going through and ask for assistance as I judged what I felt as stupid and shallow and myself as stupid and shallow and not deserving of any assistance but to just give up on myself as a stupid and shallow girl, and within this I forgive myself for judging myself as a stupid and shallow girl

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty everyday, when my mum asked me about school and I lied, pretending I had attended while I did not, wishing that the lying could end that everything would come out in the open, instead I suppressed it, as I had tried to kill myself with heart tablets and laxatives with no success a few months earlier and when my stepfather found me while I lay on the couch hoping to die and pretending I was falling asleep like in the movies, to get simpathy from him, he told me this would be our secret, adding secrets to secrets in my life until I felt just so dishonest that giving up on myself was the next small step to take

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to die, because I could no longer face my own self judgements of what I had accepted and allowed myself to become, believing that everything that was going on in my head was me, instead of seeing and realizing it was me because I accepted it and allowed it but I can rewrite myself, writing all the garbage of my life out onto paper, owning it and letting it go to rebuild a decent self responsible human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my mother when I went how one day and she told me she had gone to pick me up, and surprise, I was not there nor I had been there for months and I saw the anger in her face and the delusion of having had to face this in such a way, of all the lies that she realized I had told while I was not going to school and for how I felt I let her down too and was glad to actually go to my grandparents so I wouldn't have to face her wrath for months to come

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I enjoyed staying at my grandparents, as I had more freedom and they would let me do everything my mum did not let me do, yet I believed I deserved a punishment that did not come, because going to my gradparents was a reward for me and so I was left with a sense of lack of closure of having got away with murder and  from murder literally and that maybe a life like this was possible, cruising aimlessly through my responsabilities and getting away with it all, which added to the arrogance as the flip side of the guilt I suppressed and did not want to look at, so I made myself Right in the face of my wrongs and just kept moving believing I had found new ways to never be responsible for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my grandparents loved me because they put new furniture in my room to be and allowed me to smoke (my grandfaher in secret from my grandmother), instead of seeing that there is no love in this world and each of us is just trailing their own Character agenda, which in their case was to get closer to me to both spite my mum and get to feel like they had a daughter, neverminding that they were taking away this perceived privilege of parenthood from my mother because just like me, we are all in it just for ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, although I was aware of all the secret dynamics of my family, look for ways to make them work for me, careless of my mother and what she was going through and what this was doing to her, as long as I got to get away with murder and closer to securing my future in my grandparents home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was this Character as the Unsettled teenager on the way to full blown -suppressed- Arrogance, and for giving life to this Character, no matter how damaging my thoughts, words and deeds were in the great picture of the responsibilities I should have stood up for as What is best for All, as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop all comparison games that I play with others as a way to make myself feel more when I fear being less, to breathe when I see the desire to state something or assume a posture of superiority while I investigate which is the trigger so I can release it through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to stop my acceptance and allowances of myself feeling inferior with regards to things I have mis-placed my Value on, such as Money or Beauty or Intelligence and to investigate where are my triggers that move or attempt to move me into automated behaviour of arrogance as superiority while I can see realize and understand that every time I attempt to play that game  am in fact feeling or fearing that I will soon be feeling inferior and move into the opposite polarity as self defence

I commit myself to stop regurgitating the past as emotions and feelings and memories of everything that I have done wrong, as a way to diminish myself so I won't even have to wait for the comparison game but I can self compare within my mind and bring myself to the desire for arrogance, having beaten myself down into uselessness and worthlessness without anybody's help

I commit myself to stop any form of self abuse, toward myself or others as I realize all abuse is self abuse, as we are One, One Body, One Life, harming itself within Enegy games until we Stop

I commit myself to Stop and stand for myself and What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One

Day 87: 'The Rejected' Character

Yesterday I received my first official rejection letter for a job I have applied for.

There could have been many reasons, no longer the age because I have removed the date of birth from my CV, could have been the money I asked, could have been that they had another person that was coming from their specific sector, many many reasons.

Instead I took it personally, I felt 'rejected'.

My mum called today to tell me a story of fights going on with her friends, they were all stories about rejection, how could they not be ?

I failed in the Supporting Character Role and was told to 'go and fuck off', I said 'you too mum'. There was no reactions on my side, just the disappointment that I failed to support the Character just to step into Character at the end, it was a fun relaxed mocking 'fuck off', yet I was back in Character.

The Rejection Character is a second hand Character (maybe a 10000 hand down, still fresh as New), it was passed on to me as a family memory, a memento of a Life that my mum lived as 'The Rejected' by her own mum, and then by her own dad and she ended up living with her grandmother, so To validate this memory and be able to live out this Character I sought my own rejection experiences to charge the memory, validate it and bring this Character alive as me.

I breathed life into it, as the God of my existence.

My first memory of rejection is the story that I was not loved immediately when I was born, this story did not match the story of the loving mothers who would give their life for their children, my mum did not, possibly she suffered post partum depression of which nothing was known at the time, yet, when I heard her the first time share this story with some of her friends I felt a wave of shame, then sadness and I wanted to go to my room and hide to hide the tears, I was not wanted, not loved as soon as she looked into my face, Rejected.

Since this memory was linked to a Character that had to live in and as me as part of my preprogramming, I still remember the memory of that moment, the shame and the anger as well that she would share this with her nothing friends, make them more them me, share this just to entertain them, to show how honest she was about herself, I felt hatred as well for my mum, a rightful hatred.

Interesting because when she would through the years bring up again and again the story of when she was a child and one day she run to her father to show him affection and love and he pushed her away and how much this damaged her, I would think 'Enough already, get over it, you were5 years old, 65 now, we are still talking about it'

Now I see that my irritation was at myself as I knew I myself treasured my own memories of Rejection as the fuel and lifeforce of my 'Rejected Character'.

My mum was always outspoken about her fear to be rejected she would ask 'let me in, I'm not the dog's daughter' when she would catch me and grandma in conversation.

I did not manifest this Character in the same way, my Fear of rejection was too big to be exposed, exposing this point would give others a weapon against me, they could always reject me if they knew what I felt and how damaged I perceived myself at every new rejection incident, so this Character is one of my Secret Characters, never spoken about and when spoken about would be to be denied, I had no fear of rejection, anyone could leave me any time, good riddance to them.

Everytime I would perceive a rejection I would physically tighten up and feel tearful, bringing back to me as me the memory of my First rejection and the emotions and feelings I filed with it.

Memories of rejections and Myself stepping into this Rejection Character

My mum saying she did not love me at first sight

My mum standing up for other kids against me

My mum standing up for her boyfriend vs me

My mum being angry at me and not talking to me for days

My mum telling me 'go and think about it' so I would have to investigate what I did or said to upset her and until I got it she would not talk to me

My grandfather not wanting to talk to me when I run away from home at 17 and came back one year later from Ireland

One of my boyfriend that told me he was going back to his previous girlfriend

When I was the mistress of a guy and he told me he was going back to his wife

When I had a fling with a guy who forgot to tell me he had two children with a girl and he went back to her after telling me he wanted to be with me

My ex husband that I feared regretted to have married me

My ex husband who did not come looking for me to take me back when I left home after 7 years of marriage

My ex husband who told me NO to sex or sleeping together because it would have 'complicated' things between us, when we were already separated one night that I was drunk and I made a fool of myself

My best friend after I wrote a possessed letter to her and then tried to clumsily apologize but she told me NO, basically, I no longer want you as my friend

I see I have actually fared pretty well in my loopholes of the Rejection Game :)

The Secret Thoughts of this Character

Fuck off
I don't need YOU
I will show YOU
You will see
You will regret it
You will miss me (this now comes up as the most pathetic)
You'll never have another woman like me

The words I would speak while in the Rejection Character

That's It
I'm tired of this shit
I don't have to take this shit
I don't give a shit
See if I care
I won't look back


Facial expression
Indfference

Body stance
Ready to leave
Taking my things, packing up

Emotions & Feelings
Embarrassment, Anger -suppressed-, feelings of inferiority/superiority, Righteousness, Self Pity, Fear


Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment Statements to Follow Tomorrow

Day 68: Rock Bottoming as a Way of Life

Today I went to cut my hair because the fringe was constantly in my eyes and so I decided it was time to attend to it, last time I went was over 3 months ago. It was interesting to walk into a nice hair salon behind my home and see that I was Not as self conscious as I used to be when I had gone through my rock bottoming times and reached 'fat and ugly'' as a perception of me in my own eyes according to images and ideas of what looking good and beautiful is like which is being fit and attractive.

This did not last long, once I sat in front of the mirror I had a shock and felt disgusted with myself, Tuesday I finally took the bull by the horns and went and weighted myself at the chemist, not that it was necessary to do so since my clothes that now laugh at me were already clearly indicating I had put on lots of weight, I went because my mum pushed me and when I saw I resisted I saw this was the breaking point of this spiralling down into oblivion I have had with food since I came back to Italy and the facing of myself and the obvious consequences of having fed myself a carbo diet of pizzas and pasta because I was too lazy to in fact care for myself properly, even though I am a walking encyclopedia of useless knowledge and information about nutrition and what is in fact good for me.

This is NOT the first time I have rock bottomed in my life in every possible way, of this clamour it should be the 3rd or 4th, when I have put on 20 chilos and then had to walk my way back to sanity and proper care.

But this pattern  I have not just applied it to food successfully, I have rock bottomed as a way of life, today while I was going to the market and analyzing this point I saw that I actually derive a pleasure from the going back into shape and a good Life, there is a satisfaction that I enjoy about playing the Russian roulette game with myself and surviving and then coming back from death, like I have achieved something.

The origin of this pattern I see it as both genetic, because my family has been on yoyo diets forever or some other kinds of fallout and then getting back on the wagon, whichever wagon it was, and how everybody celebrated the coming back onto the wagon, as an event, an experience that called for medals and clapping of hands and cheers and good feelings.

Basically I have been on a wild goose chase for good feelings/intensity and self acknowledgement at whatever price I would have to pay for it, I'd pay it, do I have to die ? 

I'll die, just give me my reward for raising from the Grave once more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be horrified by myself today when I sat in front of the mirror and I did not meet any of my standards or of anyone's standards according to my beliefs about 'world's standards' regarding beauty and being fit, if not for the Weight Watchers that would have loved to have me join

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move from disgust to anger for once, yet again having taken the highway to Hell and have not stopped until I felt the heat of my own self disgust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed by the way I look because I judge myself as ugly and unpleasant to the eye, meaning that I cannot get any ''good feelings' about myself about my appearance and my ability to pull men and make women jealous but fearing that I inspire pity in others as I pity myself for how far I have gone in my careless living and taking care of myself and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear weighting myself because I knew weighting myself would put an end to my feeding frenzy and force me to go back to taking care of myself simply because of health reason and having crossed all possible lines within which I could define myself as plump instead than fat bordering on obese

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word 'fat' and for that fearing stepping onto the scale and face the consequences of what I have done to myself in suppression of all the emotions and feelings that raged inside of me regarding my very unwelcome (by myself) return to Italy and a Life of normality where I am no longer a special Expat but just an Italian in Italy facing all the shit storm my country is going through in economic and job market terms

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this demented rock bottoming and resurrection pattern, as a way to cheer myself for a job well done for rebuilding myself into a shape and a form that I defined acceptable and valuable, instead of realizing it's just another self destructive family pattern of which I have filed the resurrection part and not the rock bottoming for what it is, a self destructive pattern of spinning out of control in carelessness and self hatred culminating in self disgust until I stop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self worth as a shape, a form and an Image in separation from myself as Life here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a professional rock bottomer, not allowing myself to change because Professionals are good in repeating patterns, instead of leaving this self destructive pattern behind, stopping myself from repeating the Past as my Present and Future, embracing Change as myself while I learn to live Here in and as stability in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace this rock bottoming pattern as a chase of a feeling of reward and of a 'job well  done', the clapping and cheering for my own achievement when I finally pull myself out of the hole and reshape myself into what I have defined as system acceptable yet again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'unlookable' today, meaning I did not want to look at myself because I am swollen and I look worse than Tuesday instead of seeing I may have just eaten something yesterday that disagreed with my body even though it is 'allowed' by the eating program I have embraced and I should stop the self judgement and just investigate why I look puffy so as to not repeat the choice that disagrees with my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be merciless against myself in what I call self honesty but that I should properly call self abuse, because now that I have in fact stepped on the fucking scale and accepted it's time to change yet again, and start to tend and care for myself as the physical, I still judge myself and tell myself things like 'you are ugly and disgusting' which cause me to feel anxiety and a desire to suppress (which today made me think wouldn't it be nice to buy a bottle of wine, I'll just have a glass...but I didn't as I saw clearly that I moved into the desire to suppress so I would not have to face my own self judgements and self disgust for accepting and allowing myself to play out this familiar pattern yet again)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel devalued by the way I look, even though I told myself that I no longer cared and I wanted to show I too  could be ugly like the bald women of Desteni by being fat and ugly without giving up my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge bald women as ugly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself through not caring about myself and rock bottoming as a way of Life, instead of seeing I could have stopped this pattern 3 months ago had I been willing to face what was behind it all when I saw myself rock bottoming again, because I spoke about it in a private chat, instead I let loose, riding my way to ugliness whatever it means for me for Life and all existence, having miss-taken and defined that this was what women at Desteni were doing by being bald and using this as an excuse to in fact not care about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a way to suppress, having exchanged pot for food because I have not yet diligently addressed what was it that I was suppressing with Pot, and so when I gave up Pot, the desire to suppress was still there and I just took another road into suppression that I hoped was NOT so obvious as in resulting into putting on 20 Kg so that I would have to come to a point when the mirror would no longer fit me in and I would have to say 'Houston we have a problem', when I could have just worked through one point at the time and avoid myself now this walk back into sanity and well being of me as the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to consider this a problem, with all the serious problems of the  world and I just spend time pitying myself for some fat, instead of realizing I AM the problems of the world, and my self abuse and lack of care is what is happening to the world as me and that Changing the World would have to start with me changing me and how I approach me as Life, until I correct my own relationship with myself and the world as Me and the self abuse of me and the uncaring of me for Self as the World One and Equal ENDS WITH ME

I commit myself to stop ALL Self  Judgements regarding how I look, and to just attend to my body to whom I ask humbly to forgive me for all the abuses I have subjected it to, via excesses of drugs, alcohol and food, in my attempt to suppress myself and my reactions and movements of energy for which I did not want to take responsibility but just push them down as if there was a down deep enough to keep them there, which there is NOT, and so I commit myself to instead attend to myself, support myself to this last resurrection from the living dead, into a being that cares for Self providing proper nutrition and care to my physical body as me and stopping the abuses of myself against my physical body in my foolish attempts to silence it from communicating the discomfort I myself  as The Mind have created.

I commit myself to STOP my existence as a professional Rock Bottomer and the delusion that when one reaches Rock Bottom one can push oneself up with greater ease, as I see this belief is demented having shown myself again and again that from rock bottom the way up is just longer and harder and totally unnecessary, so I commit myself to climb up from this shit hole I dug for myself One last Time and commit myself to Life as a Self responsible Human being Once and For All,  for myself as Life and what is best for me and What is Best for All as All of existence Equal and One.