Day 331: I am Not No-Thing, yet.

As a group we are walking a Journey to Nothingness that will last 7 years, that would be about the time it took to create ourselves in the first 7 years of our existence.

It is quite scary to realize that we are basically living out all our choices, ideas and beliefs starting as a misaligned system, we have been mis-in-formed about Life and now everything we do is  robotic, having automated the choices, beliefs and opinions of all those that came before us, no wonder this world is the kindergarden of idiocy, we repeat ad nauseam the same choices of our ancestors, history proves it, if only we could see between the lines -the 'head'lines- we are in fact successful regurgitators of lives lived before our own, at most we find new ways to fuck up, we have been quite consistent in that, as it shows from the world that resulted.

Today during a conversation with B. I realized Why we are walking to Nothingness; in a way I have been wondering why we were not in fact walking to Awareness as that would be my assumption of who and what we are, 'we are 'something', right?, but are we? What and who creates this Reality?

We do, not with our Minds though, if we could manifest instantaneously the world would probably be an even scarier place, the Mind instead uses the body, which is The Creator, to establish itself as Ego, and then it provides thoughts, they are not our thoughts until we engage them, until we feed them, until they become Us, we live out the thoughts of our memory banks, we have stored Memories in the body passed on by the generations that came before, either through DNA or direct imprinting, Science has proven that our Memories, our Ill-In-Formed lives, and those of the ones that came before, are stored in the body and those are the generators of thoughts as characters and personalities. That's the only awareness that exists within us so far, the one of our memories and they are set out to survive - no matter what.

What I had  not realized is that I do create my reality, just not as I thought I did, Faith doesn't create Reality, nor the thoughts I believe I can pick and choose from what I have designed myself as, I am the programmer, the writer of the whole story, of course this story is based on my memories, I am just not aware of the details of how I do it all, yet, because as I em-body the memories that become thoughts that mine the physical for energy (you did not think that thoughts could run without energy since everything in the macro world does, so what generates that energy - the physical, we are in fact everyday busy mining our bodies for energy to keep up all the crap with which we entertain ourselves in our Minds, talk about Abusers and we don't have to look very far), I BeCome them and I am not Here but up in and as The Mind, creating alternate realities between which I switch as Characters and Personalities, anything will do as long as I don't have to be Here where I may stop searching for Me -and then what?, quite a conundrum.

There is nothing original about us as systems, we better get that into our little heads, we are so predictable that they could create a GPS software that can tell you where you will be in 4 years time - that should blow your mind, but unfortunately it won't, you will have to dissect your mind by yourself, check out how you designed yourself and fix the broken system that we are living out in and as the World.

On the other hand, Here is everything that ever existed that exists and will ever exist, the only ones missing Here so far is Us, because we don't exist yet, there is a tragic and comic point to this Self Realization, which is that the Ego, which exists solely in Self Interest -check out your thoughts for confirmation and see if they don't just come up to suggest which moves to make, which words to speak, which attitude to show so we can win, be the best, have an advantage-, the Ego believes to be SomeThing, usually something Inflated that has no connection with Physical reality - we may believe in our Minds that we are innumerable things and then when Real Physical Life happens we fail to deliver into the Physical the SomeThing that we BeLieve we are, simply because we are not any of that, we are just  unsubstantiated claims about Ourselves, the Substance of Life which was the Gift we were born with was squandered, we wasted it to fuel our addiction to our imaginary life-styles and imaginary characters and personas.

Any 'awareness' we have at the moment is an outflow of the delusions of ourselves as our own creation, at the best at this stage I can only be aware of what I Think I am or BeLieve I am or Remember I am, and not even that in full, we see only the tip of the iceberg and everything that we think or believe to be was created within a faulty starting point, the point that we had to go and look for ourselves, which took us away from Here, and as I spent my resources, as the seed of Life, seeking and aggrandizing the idea of myself and did not grow into a Tree of Life -yet- but into a Tree of Good and Evil, living Duality as Me, always in conflict with myself, Life as Me as substance  was being con-sumed. 

I am the very Creator of Consumerism by default.

So far I am just a system, I must accept this and stop the fight to try and be SomeThing else, there is nothing wrong or bad about being a system, I am a system simply because I exist in relation to everything else I ever created a relationship with, this is why my existence after so many years on earth has become robotic -did anyone else notice this about themselves, how we keep repeating the same patterns, how we keep destroying ourselves one way or another -look at how we age, it's really nothing to be proud of, many have seen parents or grandparents age and die, didn't you notice how old people shrink and look like dry raisins...mmhh, why would that be?- as we try and prove that there is something more than Here that I must look for, that there must be something more than Me, because I am just, simply, not enough.

And how do I know I am not Enough? Well, I said so, sometime, somewhere, by saying that there should be more than Here and there should be More than Me - and Now, there it is.
What now? I have created it, I have to undo it, we start by stopping to return to No-Thing, it's best that way, there isn't much to save Here, if we return to a blank slate we can treasure what we have learnt, that in Separation without consideration for everything that exists as MySelf nothing works and we'll end up into Abuse. Of a heavy duty kind.

So we first have to walk back to Nothingness, No-Thing-ness and when we stop believing or desiring to be Somethingness or HighNess or Worthlessness or anything that we have used to justify why I was in fact incapable to stand up and embrace existence as me and change me as existence, at that point we'll have done 1 leg of the journey and from there, from No-Thing-ness we can rewrite who we are going to be, better get our Information right this time, so that we can all fly in the same direction, In-formation as Life, for Life, because any SomeThing that stands between ourselves and the Whole as Oneness in Equality, must go and in No-Thingness we may see that we were always Here, that there was  No-thing to look for, because only NoThing can move out of the confinements and definitions we cast on it as an evil spell, that resulted in our separation from each other and our abdication of Life for Energy/Money inward and outward.

So, let's make peace with it, we are not something, or somebody, there isn't anything waiting at the end of our Journey, Life is not there waiting for us, because we are Nothing and always were and unless we create ourselves as Life, we can never be Life or be Alive, we are the Author of this Journey, it will be quite a trip to return to the Nothingness that we were as we remove the shackles of our own The-finitions, our Endings, can we write Life, can we be Life, can we for-Give Life to ourselves and to All Existence as One? Because we can't have what we aren't willing to give to All, as Equals, to have/be Life for me All must have it, all relationships will have to be rewritten within the understanding of what Life is, Life is For-Giving everything to ourselves and All the Rest of Existence, Equally, starting from No-Thing-Ness.

There is a Journey to No-Thing-ness, anyone can join, unless you want to be Some-Thing, make Something out of yourself, prove that you are Some-Thing more than others, then you will never be No-Thing, you will be Some-thing else, just never Life, because Life is No-Thing, its Every-Thing -that is Best for All, got it?

 Related articles

• Day 327: I think, therefore I am Not Here yet.
• Day 444: Can you find 'Your own Way'?

Day 48: I Have a Dream

I have had a few interesting dreams since I have started to walk my process of Self Correction. One thing I have seen is that I have moved from horror dreams to 'dreamy dreams', possibly as I have decided that I would rather face the horrors of me when awake than when sleeping.

When I was a kid I hated to go to sleep, once in the bed and about to sleep I had a feeling of being sucked into a black spiral and of falling, which led me to develop the habit of sleeping against the wall, it was the same as being drunk and it would happen only when I closed my eyes in that moment just before 'falling asleep', the falling was actually real.

When I smoked pot I used to move from awake to fainting into sleep, so I skipped that moment for which I still held fears, even though 'the falling into nothingness' seemed to fade as I grew up.

Last night I had a few dreams, I always hoped to be able to go 'back' into a dream, when I get up to pee at night I hope to go to the toilet in a zombie state, trying to not wake up too much just 'hoping' I may get back to where I was just before waking up, specifically if the dream was 'good'. I never managed this, once a dream stops, the mind moves on to the next storyline.

The one that I remembered this morning was me meeting a guy, we were in Asia, I assumed at one point that we were in Thailand, there was great chemistry between us, there were hints and words to show me how happy he had been to meet me, he was a successful artist -I think- I remember clearly evaluating him and checking if he would have stood as a 'valuable 'option for myself, he did. We met his ex wife and 2 kids, surprisingly his 2 kids were monkeys or monkey like, this can be due to a comment I once heard from a German guy in Thailand that said, the Thais were Monkeys and I felt particularly offended because he had married 2 Thai Women and had kids and I could not reconcile his stance inside me.

In the dream I remember wanting to show him how good I was with his monkey kids and how much they loved me, just to impress him.

I don't recall the sex, only the anticipation and him asking me 'do you want me to take you now ?' in a sort of annoyed way, probably because I showed my impatience for sex and implying I should reply NO because giving in too easily and NOT allowing this build up would have made me cheap in his eyes.

The clue of the dream was a feeling of how far I have been willing to go in my life to 'be liked by a man' and to be able to believe that I was 'valuable', something I have criticised about my mother and I have lived out with a different twist, not like her, showing she did not feel she was valuable as this was evident to me, but pretending that I believed I was worthy and valuable and a 'real prize', just to in fact be nothing more than the carbon copy of my mother and all the women of my family who would have given up everything for a man just to be loved and cherished, a job none of us was willing to do for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself and for not being here for myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sleeping as a child and the moment I would spiral out into nothingness to the point that I had to hold the bed to not perceive myself as disappearing into the void, fearing I may never return

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the void of sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to oversleep as a way to not be Here but lost somewhere in my imaginary world, without having to feel responsible or guilty for my participation in alternate realities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as alternate realities instead of pushing myself to be Here in Breath from which I do not desire to run away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to run away from me as The Mind, looking for an imaginary solace in my sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if and when I am loved by a man I am more worthy than when I am not because my own love and my own being here for myself are not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship with a man and for suppressing this desire denying that I desired a man that loved and cherished me while I did not love/cherished myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or other women for desiring a relationship because I disliked how my mum became inside a relationship giving up all of herself to be loved and cherished by a man, instead of seeing I disliked myself because I knew I desired a relationship and that I would do the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and relationships because I blamed them for who and what I accepted and allowed as myself within a relationship to be accepted and loved instead of seeing I feared myself and what I was willing to do to get that love and acknowledgement from a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be swept off my feet instead of seeing that when I am swept off my feet I am not grounded and I separate myself from Self Here while I dis-earth myself for positive feedback and love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-earth myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent hearing racist comments about Asian people instead of seeing I held my own racist comments and just did not express them in fear that I would be judged/would judge myself as being a racist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some races are more worthy than others based on an imaginary value that I have accepted and allowed as me as the definition of all of us within a monetary/value system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a man that makes me look good in front of others, that gives me face and gives me a good image, not realizing I have chased imaginary ideas and beliefs regarding what can give me value and worth in separation from myself as life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy women who have relationships because they can be loved and cherished instead of seeing I envied the imaginary feelings I would have access to through a relationship that would make me feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel good about myself so I spent my life looking for ways to feel good about myself, instead of questioning the Polarity of this existence as our starting point and looking for ways to step out of any polarity game to bring myself back to earth in and as Breath, as stability of Self as Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships and what they do to me instead of seeing that no one has ever done anything to me but me and that I can stop in the moment I stop existing as someone who looks for energy fixes to give myself a high that will unavoidably will be followed by a low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'dream' about the day when I would meet my soul mate and my life would finally be sorted out instead of seeing I am the one who must sort myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sex and my being unable to step out of the mind to experience myself in and as the physical because I fear all the sexual trash I have put in my mind over the years that may condition both how I behave and how I feel within a sexual experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a kind gentleman next to me and for then ask for rough sex as a way to feel intensity and desire that gave me a sense of value, distorting the nature of the men that I chose for their qualities and then wanted to change into something else to satisfy my Mind/Energy desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose men for their potential and never for who they were, and for then trying to change them in the way they looked and behaved so I could feel satisfied that I was mirrored back effectively as someone that understood and bent to the requirement of the system in terms of how to behave and how to dress and how to interact with others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships because I fear I will still manipulate and try to have it my way in my search for value and worth and I won't allow another to just be and self express instead of seeing that i am not my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good material for a relationship due to my past behaviours instead of seeing I am not my past unless I accept and allow myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing I would not do for a man to prove my worth instead of seeing that this belief about myself shows another point of worthlessness of and as me that I have lived throughout my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to worthlessness, seeking value and worth outside of myself while I was unable to see that worth and value of me as Self exist Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving into memories or about to move into memories of past relationship and 'good moments within them' as a way to feed my desire for and as relationship, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in memories of who I have been that I have used to define myself and that I wish to STOP my participation in and as the past, in and as memories so I may embrace myself Here from which I can create a different future for myself, Breath by Breath

When and as I see myself suppressing or about to suppress the desire for a relationship that may arise when I meet a man I am physically attracted to, I stop, breathe, remind myself that my next relationship if I should have one cannot be based on the same parameters that I have used to choose in the past because I know where those roads lead, but I will stand for and as Life and walk into an agreement only and if I am ready for it, when and if I am ready for it, choosing what is Best for me and Best for all

When and as I see myself regretting what could have been with my ex husband if I had this understanding of how to manage my thoughts feelings and emotions when I was married, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the past is past, and that the end of my relationship is the consequence I have manifested for me to walk of all my backchats made of fears, judgements, ideas and beliefs, and that there is no point about regretting if not the point of seeing what did not work out and what were the patterns I played out so as to not repeat them again

I commit myself to stop my existence as the desire for relationships, romance, being loved and cherished and I stand to walk myself into and as the unconditional self acceptance of me Here in every moment of Breath, so as to never ask another to do for me what I am not willing to do for myself

I commit myself to stop dreaming and suppressing my desires of and as relationships and love, so that I can stop my existence as the distractions of delusional desires and Start Living