Day 241: Looking for Purpose - Equine Nutrition anyone?

A commercially prepared grain mix for horses, includes crimped corn, oats, and barley mixed with molasses and pelleted supplement (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of months ago I went through a period of 'looking for purpose, looking for a meaning' to Life.

I did not see it this way at the time, I saw myself instead broadening my horizons by subscribing to the New Free Open University Classes, I chose 5 subjects, Drugs and the Brain, 3 classes on Nutrition and Health and 1 class of Equine Nutrition.

The first class was quite a pain, Drugs and the Brain, it was very focused on biochemistry but I can't remember the little chemistry I did at school and so watching all the 3D molecule composition and learning all the medical terms for the brain parts was a bore, I stopped at the first class, went through a little guilt as I played out all the things I left mid way in my life and then moved on. Two days ago I received the notice that the Equine Nutrition course was about to start. WOW.

Since 2 months ago my life has filled up with commitments, I started teaching Italian to foreigners 2 to 3 evenings a week, I have 2 regular students for English classes and now, since yesterday, I found a lady that needs to come for massages, a lot of them, because she wore a corrective corset for 20 years and she has a host of problems and she is happy with my massage, which means she will recommend me to someone else, hence I seem to have finally broken through into the system and to have found my own place so to speak.

So when the notice came about the Equine Nutrition course it stood out like something pretty absurd, I live in a city, I have seen horses close by probably 4 times in my life, I live on the 5th floor with a terrace, certainly not a place for a horse, so there can be only 2 points that have attracted me to this course, one that it was Free and as a good system slave I have to load up on Free stuff, the other that I was projected in a potential hypothetical future, such as 'if I sell this house and I move to Bulgaria and I ever get to see a horse -cos owning one would be too much anxiety since I know nothing about horses-, or if I visit the farm one day, I can make myself useful because I have this Equine Nutrition knowledge. (??)

The point that I was looking for purpose, because my Life is still defined by what I do, I can see it now because as I found 'a purpose/ a meaning' I am less jittery, I finally exist in some place within the system, a system I doubted I could ever re-enter, hence at the time the idea to get some more -albeit useless- knowledge in fear of not existing as I feared I had no purpose and as such no meaning and my existence as a whole to be an utterly useless disgrace, seemed more than appealing, it seemed 'the right thing to do.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for purpose/meaning because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life Here in and as Breath is not enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define value and worth according to 'what I do' and not to 'who I am' in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Knowledge is a source of meaning/purpose and that through knowledge I can pile up value/worth for myself no matter how useless is the knowledge I subscribe to, in my search for meaning and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in Free Stuff, because I accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the Consumerism point that when something comes for free in a world where I have accepted and allowed for Life to go on sale and where I have to buy my right to live, it's a bargain that can't be passed on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world where we have to buy our right to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put value in Free stuff for me vs a Free Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when looking for classes that I could benefit from and learn something that could have a practical physical application for me as what is best for all, to not consider what are my real skills and how can I best put them at the service of Life but to rely on stories I made up in my mind that were not real because they are not Here, such as a horse to feed or heal, and for losing myself in my mind in fear of walking breath by breath to build a reality I could live with, I forgive myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't have the patience to walk breath by breath a solution for myself and my life because I have accepted and allowed myself to lose trust in myself as I walked back to Italy exactly to who I was before I left, leaving behind 17 years of life and life skills just because I lived as a personality both here and abroad and now I have not yet learned how to make those skills one and equal to me and not personality based, and for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into personality plays in an attempt to never face the truth of how I experienced myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the notice of the Equine Nutrition course came through, to feel dumb as the reality of not having a horse or being close to having a horse or having plans to own a horse dawned on me and I felt I was not in touch with reality and then I proceeded to feel guilty and ashamed for being so disconnected as to not be able to assess what is the best course of action to take in any given moment, and for giving in to the experience that I am hopeless if I could not see the point that I don't need an Equine Nutrition class, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement when I realized why I subscribed to these classes as a point of seeking for value/worth, meaning and purpose in separation from myself as value and worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I gave up the 'Drugs and Brain' course because I realized I didn't have the background to follow without piling up tons of additional chemistry knowledge for which I did not have any practical useful application, to feel guilty and run a commentary of all the other times in which I have not taken something to completion instead of just assessing how supportive this choice I made was and if not supportive, moving on

When and as I see myself about to make a decision, I stop, Breathe, if I see that I am fuzzy about the Whys of my movements, I write down what I see as supportive and as non supportive about my decision to clear the fog, see if there is any energetic movement in what I have written down and if there is, correct myself through Self forgiveness so that I won't be making decisions motivated by fear or in search of some imaginary goals but decisions I can live with and walk for myself and what is best for all



I commit myself to stop making decisions in haste, or while seeking for value and meaning as I see realize and understand that there is no other purpose to be here but to correct the consequences we created by living in haste never considering all points of the equations we walk, and I commit myself to make sure I make sound decisions for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System which will assist in forever removing the illusion of external Worth and Value to allow each Human being to become an expression of Life and no longer live as an expression of Fear

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Day 140: Wanting a Free Ride on Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not 'labor' for Life but to have a Free Ride as I defined Labor=Money=Survival and I wanted my Survival for Free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the 'Real Good people and Intentions' are offering Free Stuff, because if they are not, they are 'attached to Money', failing to see that we are All attached to Money for Our own Survival until the System Changes to a System where Life is Freed from the ties of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for rewards and free offers in a world where everything that is created has a cost, meaning I just wished to not be The One Not having to pay for that Cost as a Consequence of our Economics System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some things come for Free in Life instead of seeing that there is No Free Lunch on this planet, which we are told and taught from when we are kids as we are warned to Not take candies from Strangers because a Payback will be required and follow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to buy into this System that teaches that we have to Earn a Living, without noticing that if I am Alive and was born Alive for Free, having to earn a living is an absurdity, even if the whole world buys into this idea as 'The Way things are', because Life was born Free and then sold into the Money System to stay Alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disempowered when I read Creation's Journey to Life "Labor and Slavery' because the first thing I understood was that I have to work for a living, as if that could come as a shock, yet what I saw through what I read was my own fear to have to face the point that Life is Not Free, because living at the moment has consequences and I rathered not see that because that implies I have to take full responsibility for myself as a Living Being and this will not change not even within an Equal Money System

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Labor is Slavery because I associated Labor to having to make Money and having to make a Living, not seeing realizing and understanding that Labor was Not meant as having to buy my living but as a cooperation with the Earth and All Living beings that is in fact due by my being Alive on this planet that I share with others and for which I am responsible for in making sure All have Enough and a Dignified Life such as the One I wish for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to participate in backchat about Desteni and the material we are now sharing and selling to support this project to what is best for All, because I have held on to desires to have a Free Ride on Life, while it is obvious that what we are selling is to support ourselves and the EMS Project within this system in which everything has a price, until we move onto the New System where everything will be available to everyone for Free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about this point and for suppressing this backchat because I don't want to be 'that kind of person' that entertains 'that kind of backcha't because I don't think it's right, and yet the backchat came up to show myself how I have wishes and desires regarding a Free Ride on Life and that I have to look at those and let them go through Self Forgiveness because bashing them down as 'no, I didn't participate in that' has proved to not make things go away, in fact it has proved to make things bigger and the next time they come up and I add some guilt to them, they grow in size like cancers that I could stop through breathing and writing them out to release myself from my secret desires and wants once and for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it's not fair that we have to do so much for the new system while others are getting a Free Ride all the way to Equal Money, resenting the point that 'others' will benefit from something they have done nothing about, instead of seeing and realizing I have resentments toward myself for secretly desiring to be Me that did not wake up and bumped onto Desteni on the web to just one day find myself inside an Equal Money System, having done fuck all for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry because there is so much to do and I spend time chatting with people about why the Equal Money System is the right solution and why the fuck they don't get it, instead of seeing and realizing that I am angry at myself because I am still "thinking" about the Equal Money System as a new topic I can entertain myself with and have not stopped my participation in and as the Mind with consistency through Breathing and bringing myself back Here every time I notice I wander off into The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Rewards system are the best and for implementing reward system into Office Policies to motivate people to do more, accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone needs incentives to do more than their fair share, which is why I am now stuck with the point that some days I see myself looking for incentives to do what we are doing and for feeling let down because there are none, as Energy fixes, to keep me going

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that thinking about the 'Equal Money System' is allowed because it's a good 'thinking' vs "bad thinking' instead of seeing and realizing that there is No Good thinking as thinking implies I am not Here seeing what in fact needs to be done but lost in My mind Imagining what needs to be done because I have programmed myself to always see a plan A, B and C before moving and I feel lost moving for this project without a clearly laid out plan

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lost without a clearly laid out plan because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we must 'think things through' as if that has showed any benefit whatsoever for Humanity or the Planet, instead of seeing and realizing that thinking outside of the box is Not Possible because thinking is the Box we must realize that we just have to walk away from, to expand ourselves into New Solutions and Possibilities that thought in it limitedness cannot offer

When and as I see that I am seeking a reward for moving and or before moving, I stop, breathe, remind myself that rewards are the Way of this System to keep me motivated in doing 'something' to keep the system going for the price of the Reward and that changing myself will mean standing as a point of Self Direction in which no Reward is needed or required for me to move myself and walk breath by breath

When and as I see myself desiring something for FREE, believing that FREE Goods are better than things I have to pay for and that people who give out FREE stuff are better than those that do not, I stop, breathe, remind myself that this idea and belief is implanted to make me a slave of consumerism that is then enticed through Rewards and Free Stuff, while There ain't no such Thing as a Free Lunch on this planet yet, until the system Changes to What is best for All and everyone has Equal Access to Free lunches

When and as I see myself desiring to Not put in my Labor as an Act of dedication to this project because I see no Reward and then I move into the rewardless backchat, I stop, breathe, remind myself that walking a process of Self Correction has the Reward of correcting myself to realign to Oneness and Equality as Life and that there is no greater gift that I can give to myself and others than my self correction to stand as someone that does What is Best for All as Life One and Equal

I commit myself to stop existing as the desire for a Free ride on Life, as I see realize and understand that Life requires the labor of All of us as Self Committed Human Beings to Change this World to What is best for All and that Living doesn't come Free, because Life is Not Cheap even if we have put it up for Sale, and that the Value of Life will be reestablished through our Labor as Commitment to Change for and as Life to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

I commit myself to deconstruct my Virus Filled Mind into a Virus Free Mind for myself and all of existence, Equal and One 

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