Day 381: Prey to the Food God

This is a follow up to my Unhealthy Food relationship posts.

Binge Eating Disorder - Making My BED to Lie in It

Italians: Living to eat or Eating to Live

 

Considering another dimension of food together with my self commitment.

I found that there is for some reason an hidden dimension to Food and how we relate to it. Fat people will say they eat normally but keep putting on weight when in fact they overeat in secret, skinny people say it is their constitution and they do nothing special to keep in shape, when most either starve themselves or purge or overexercise to keep fit.

How do I know? because I have been all of these people.

The main point that goes with this dimension of food is secrecy due to shame.

because we cannot explain how we created a specific dimension to almost anything in our life due to our extensive living automatically vs living in and as awareness, it's not surprising that when we wonder -mainly briefly - how we got to a certain point we can almost honestly say that we don't know.

This is because we never considered our thought relative to everything we live as something to keep into account, thoughts, beliefs and ideas we have regarding any point in our life seem to be part of who we are, who we are in fact, we believe those forces to be just like 'market forces', compelling us into behaviors we no longer like or consider self supporting, we believed that they would self regulate (oh look, it's the same logic of our economic system, the belief that even though no one is responsible or accountable, the market will magically realign to something supportive from something abusive).

But the more we live the more we accumulate, until those Forces -force us and to dismantle the energy that is connected to them we have to stand at one point and will ourselves to change.

To no longer be victims of our own 'market forces', those that put us on sale to the best bidder, we have to redesign in awareness our programs.

I don't particularly enjoy this process, partly because I am one piece of the economic system and hence I enjoyed not being responsible or accountable for myself, this is why there is a sense of release when one finally 'gives up', the inner conflict ends, one accepts that there is really nothing to do and accepts to succumb.

Mainly this is how Food, among other things, became my God, it doesn't really matter if I were slim or fat, most of my day was focused on food, what to eat, when, how to not feel responsible, how to arrange dinners and lifestyles that allowed me to blame my food choices on my surrounding, friends, family, celebrations, anything would do.

This is how I ended up as a Prey to the Money God, on this purpose I would like to share one of La Fontaine fairy tales that I have read recently to a student and that I found sadly, telling the story of humanity

Its titled The Sculptor

A block of marble was so fine,
To buy it did a sculptor hasten.
'What shall my chisel, now 'tis mine--
A god, a table, or a basin?'
'A god,' said he, 'the thing shall be;
I'll arm it, too, with thunder.
Let people quake, and bow the knee
With reverential wonder.'
So well the cunning artist wrought
All things within a mortal's reach,
That soon the marble wanted nought
Of being Jupiter, but speech.
Indeed, the man whose skill did make
Had scarcely laid his chisel down,
Before himself began to quake,
And fear his manufacture's frown.
And even this excess of faith
The poet once scarce fell behind,
The hatred fearing, and the wrath,
Of gods the product of his mind.
This trait we see in infancy
Between the baby and its doll,
Of wax or china, it may be--
A pocket stuff'd, or folded shawl.
Imagination rules the heart:
And here we find the fountain head
From whence the pagan errors start,
That o'er the teeming nations spread.
With violent and flaming zeal,
Each takes his own chimera's part;
Pygmalion[6] doth a passion feel
For Venus chisel'd by his art.
All men, as far as in them lies,
Create realities of dreams.
To truth our nature proves but ice;
To falsehood, fire it seems.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to design a problematic relationship with food as I copied the unhealthy food relationship that my family and my country held with it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my food choices because it seemed better and easier than being self responsible and accountable about it instead of seeing realizing and understanding that my power to change exists only within full self responsibility and blaming others is diverting some of the shame but all of my powers and is not a solution but a temporary band aid that I commit myself to stop using once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when called out about having gone mental about food and my food choices, to justify myself about having had a hard day, a bad news, the need for a pick me up, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that all food choices I make are a statement of either self support or self abuse within the polarized relationship I am living at the moment and that unless I make self supportive choices I cannot ask the world as me to do the same

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control over food and can never have it because my mother didn't and my grandparents didn't and so I accepted and allowed myself to believe there is nothing I can do about it even after my body moved into self defence by switching off my taste and within this for pushing my body to defend and protect itself from myself as The Mind

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body to such an extent that I was no longer able to hear what I really need to sustain myself physically vs what I wanted to indulge in to cater to my mind and ideas and beliefs about the positive kickback I could get from eating

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there was no one else creating my relationship to food as it is, but me and that as I created it I can change it into a self supportive stance for myself and my body, equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of sweets and the pleasurable experiences I would get if I could sink my teeth into a pastry, a cake a biscuit only to become disappointed when I do because the imagination of that moment is always way superior to the moment itself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am flashing myself memories as images with an emotional attachment, seeking for a positive experience and a sense of reward to supress a negative experience of myself that I could instead address in writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application and solve it once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself regarding food to the point that I moved to a tropical island next to a fasting centre, believing that I could do damage control instead of correcting myself because I believed I was unable to do, which in itself was the acceptance of my failure instead of seeing realizing and understanding I can take the time to rewrite this program into a supportive one and walk my correction until my new feeding program would be one of support and one and equal to who I am

I fogive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live one and equal to the shame for having accepted and allowed myself to believe I was weak and disfunctional regarding my relationship to food and that I had to hide what was really going on inside myself and my worship of food instead of seeing realizing and understanding I created Food as My God by accepting my submission to it instead of walking one and equal to food as a source of sustenance and one of support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make up food stories to show people around me that my relationship with food was effortless and fine and that I didn't have any problem regarding food due to my perception that my shameful relationship to food was a diminishment of myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my perceived diminishment was due to my own self judgement and that I could stop judging myself so I would not be feeding the shame and the desire to pretend that everything was fine and instead address this relationship to a point of correction

When and as I see myself desiring to justify my food choices, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that if I make self supportive choices I don't need to justify them and that if I desire to justify them is because I am holding a judgement toward myself or the food I am about to it, which I need to correct in writing and SCA

When and as I see myself wanting to diminish my efforts to realign to a self supportive relationship to food by minimizing the steps I am taking to do so, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that my dishonesty regarding my relationship to food affects others that feel equally justified to never come clean about this problem so we can correct ourselves once and for all and stop our self abuse to become instead self supportive human beings

When and as I see myself fearing what others may think of me regarding my relationship with food, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I only fear my own self judgements that I project on others and apply self forgiveness to any judgement I am holding against myself in the moment to bring myself back to a point of stability

When and as I see myself wanting to believe that I have no choice, no power, no say in my relationship to food, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there was no relationship to food within me until I created one through my allowances and acceptances and then loaded it with my justifications and excuses but I can undo everything I have done, it will take a little time to peel all the layers but I can do if because ultimately I am always the one that decides

I commit myself to write about Food until food doesn't have an energetic content for me but just a nutritional physical value where, while preferences are fine, choices that are just supporting my mind vs my body are no longer acceptable and accepted

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Day 380: Authority and Men in Black

As I listened to this awesome interview about geometric shapes in the Mind, which was very bang n with something that happened to me on Saturday when I found myself repeating a pattern I had worked hard on with my mother, I realized that there are more triggers and e-motions in our Life than what we are aware of.

Yesterday as I wrote to someone something about a project I asked the question 'is it legal?' at which point, images of menacing black robed judges popped in my mind.

I don't like to think about having to face the Justice system, first because I am not at all sure that there is any Justice in the System but specifically as my image depicted, because of their black robes.

There is something ominous in my mind about the colour black associated to authority, so last night as I lay in bed I revisited the Colours of Authority and I was amazed at the fact that we painted Black either what we naturally fear, like Death, or what we want people to fear, like Priests and Judges, at least here in Italy - we went softer for Police and Army with the Blue, with a hint of black we should say, that is what Navy Blue is all about, it's the Black drop that makes it 'Navy', the Catholics are quite demonic with black and red, blood red, but that is the colours of Milan AC as well, Berlusconi's soccer team, and then we have the white, the virginal white, white is all pure and clean and safe, so we put our doctors and nurses in white clothes and then the self elected Gurus of the world also wore white to signify The Light and how aligned with 'Good' they were vs the Forces of Evil in Black.

Can one fear the legal system or authority just because they wear black robes? Yes one can, it happens to me and I just realized it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect colours with experiences, feelings and emotions, to copy and paste colors tags with their emotional content inside of myself, from others who gave to me both the word and its value within their own value system based on experiences, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a resistance to the color black when worn by authority because black has a content of fear that I have never addressed before to clear it out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that the use of colors in our society for positions of Imaginary Authority is deliberate, to promote and provoke fear and hence submission, obedience to the system as it was designed and passed on to us by others who have submitted and obeyed before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the color black to death and within this for fearing death and dying and the suffering that revolves around the death of someone for their family and friends, without seeing, realizing and understanding that is not the colour in itself that I feared but the reminder that Death is just around the corner for all of us and we won't be able to escape it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the color black within Authority to a memory of my grandfather's dog who would chase priests until they were in sight, because he was taught to attack priests and to recognize them by their robes by my  non catholic grandfather

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that supporting a system that needs to make us fearful for respect means that it is not deserving or earning our respect but commanding, demanding it, through manipulations that include visual manipulations to elicit an emotional response to make sure we don't step out of the line and take orders from the Men in Black -if we wish to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the color black is loaded with meanings that I have accepted, allowed and then riconfirmed for myself as valid and that this is the reason why when I see or imagine an authority figure dressed in black I feel a movement of fear

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the color black, not seeing realizing and understanding that the fear of the color black is a construct to keep us away from the truth of who we really are as the eternal darkness of life and within this for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything white was instead good, worthy, pure and desirable, like the white light and energy, instead of seeing and realizing that this world is upside down and there's more to it than meets the eye

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, at the height of my self judgement and disconnection to myself, become the color black, embody the color black to signify I was dead, beyond repair and that there was no chance for redemption for me and within this for giving up on myself and for believing I could never change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire the power of the color black that I perceived oozing from those who wore it in position of authority, without seeing, realizing and understanding that the power was never in the colour black or in any colour per se, but was my own perception of power projected and separated from myself into the color black

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see protection from the colour black and the Authority and Power I perceived as it, without seeing, realizing and understanding that everything in this world has just the meaning and content we either accepted and allowed or we gave to it and as such we can redefine everything in existence to clear it from emotions and feelings and return it to what it is, in case of colours a particular range of light refraction or the absence thereof

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give special values to colours because, as I accepted and allowed myself to make one colour more than another I then allowed myself to be triggered into experiences of Fear, purity, Passion and Love just by association with a colour instead of remaining Here at all times stable in and as breath

When and as I see myself having a movement when faced with someone in a position that I perceive of power wearing the color black, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that there is nothing special about the colour nor about the person standing in front of me but what I project onto them due to my associations, beliefs, ideas and thoughts I have lived one and equal to myself

When and as I see myself desiring to wear black to harness the power of this colour, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that whatever I need outside of myself to make myself 'more' is in fact a point of diminishment as I accept and allow myself to believe that I don't have enough power, that I don't exist as a self empowered being and so I stop, breathe, remind myself that a colour is just a colour and that I am enough onto myself

When and as I see myself going into my mind regarding which colour to wear according to a special imaginary meaning, I stop, breathe and wear instead what is most fit for what I have to do within the system without giving any special value to anything external of myself in regarding to colors

I commit myself to no longer be impressed, manipulated or triggered into experiences, memories or ideas about value regarding the colour black or the imaginary authority of men who wear it.

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Day 378: Italians - Eating to Live or Living to Eat

A couple of weeks ago a Romanian girl came to my home and made this comment about Italians - that we live to eat.

I had already noticed our cultural food pattern as a way to confirm our 'special identity', since I came back from abroad I have noticed that we have so many food programs on TV it's hard to keep up with them, Eating in Italy is not like putting fuel in a car, it's not a point of self support, it's a Religion.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy and paste my cultural programming about food and its relationships to a positive experience, satisfaction and feeling good

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question the point that people eating when not hungry would be like trying to fill an engine tank when full, which is not common sensical but an obvious point of misunderstood/mistaken functions both of the body and of the food meant to nurture it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the word food with the word love so that when I seek to 'love myself' I feed myself just like my family did with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to obsess about food turning it into a religion to which I go and pray when I am down and feeling blue

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I define food as a positive experience I will create negative experiences in my life to grant myself permission to feed myself beyond my needs with the excuse that 'I need a little pick me up'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and imagine that there is nothing left in my life once I understood that I had to let go of my energetic addictions without seeing, realizing and understanding that food is an energetic addiction all by itself and that I am having troubles to let it go, because I have defined my life as empty and hollow -apart from food, instead of correcting my perception of my life being empty and hollow if I don't participate in energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a country where the focus on food is higher than the focus on social issues, politics or what goes on in the world is in fact sick and not special, because we won't be able to change the world one slice of Parma ham at the time but we will have to redefine what is important for real and address what is at the core of our dissatisfaction that we learned to treat with food

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel proud and superior because I come from a country where the food is superior, best, incomparable, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I belong to a system where our slavery has been carried out through food as one of the means of keeping us entertained and dull to the reality that unfolds around us

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into discussions with people and create conflict over what food was best, insisting that there is no comparison to our food and all our traditions instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am a product of an environment where food is used to increase our sense of nationalism and belonging and it is a divisive tool and not a uniting tool and hence nothing to be proud about but something to redefine into self support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to file memories of happy moments related to sharing food with friends or family without seeing realizing and understanding that my memory were edited in support of a construct that already existed within me as 'food is a positive experience' where I edited out the fights, the nasty words and the energetic games that went on with the food to make sure that I could hold on to food as a positive experience that was not affected by anything else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive letting go of food as an addiction as something sad, as something that is not auspicable or desirable, as something that goes against my very culture and one of my reasons to exist instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am resiting the letting go of the positive experience of food in fear that I will have to experience the void I created by defining everything else that I perceived I am left with as negative, as not enjoyable, as not enough while I now see realize and understand that I can change those definitions until I remain stable beyond the need for positive experiences to balance out my self created negative experiences about my reality

When and as I see myself desiring to get up and go and get some food when I am obviously not hungry, I stop, breathe, push myself to face what has come up within me that I have defined as a negative experience so I can correct myself and move beyond the need and desire to reach out for food to give me the positive experience I am seeking to balance out my self created negative polarity

When and as I see myself picturing in my mind a food moment as a way to escape an experience of myself, I stop, breathe, remind myself that my internal experiences are not to be feared or suppressed and that I have the tools now to bring them up, look at them and apply myself to let them go for good

When and as I see myself having mind food tantrums in which I seek specific food that I have connected to a sense of fulfillment, I stop, breathe, look for what I am not fulfilling that is leaving a void within me and address the void and not my imaginary food solution

When and as I see myself feeling pride for some Italian food or tradition I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that food is just fuel for my body that I can enjoy but I don't have to worship and bring myself back here in stability with and as breath

I commit myself to sort out my relationship with food and change it into a self supportive point of nurturing for my body and no longer an energetic feed for my mind

I commit myself to keep digging into the food construct I am wanting to change and realign to what is best for me and what is best for all until the change as me is stable and one and equal to who I am

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Day 376: Binge Eating Disorder - Making My BED to Lie in It

My family relationship with food was distorted, no one saw food for what it is, the fuel within a biological system that needs to survive.

Instead they all attached plenty 'positive' feelings to the idea of eating, rewarded me with food, made food and their relationship to it a 'positive' moment and a positive movement.

Of course being Italian this was a cultural point as well, so this specific relationship reinforcement was doubled inside and outside the family.

My mother was bulimic, she was the weak link in a chain of sharks and she would binge eat to suppress emotions that were rampant and hidden within my family system. I didn't understand this until I read an article on princess Diana where they expanded on this point to explain what Bulimia was and then I realized my mother had been doing that for a long time.

I have done that on and off but I have not freed myself from this construct yet, nor from the unhealthy relationship to food, when I go under pressure I will binge eat -and occasionally drink- and then feel sick and regretful and throw up.

I had one of this incident again this week as I moved through a sense of loss (post 375 walked privately with my buddy) and I know want to unravel this point with self forgiveness to correct it once and for all so it won't lurk in the dark as an 'option', as a 'positive moment' that I can choose when things turn 'negative' according to my perception of events within a polarity energetic system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to approach some of the Eqafe interviews in fear, allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, enraged, outraged and sickened by what was explained as I faced the fact that on a Mind level, a place I had so worshiped, I am nothing more than a robot responding to stimulation and triggers and playing out the same Characters again and again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that judging what has been, what was done and our participation in it generates emotions s energy and keeps me trapped within patterns of behavior that I become unable to correct

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I go through an episode of binge eating, drinking and bulimia, to try and hide all the traces of it so I won't remember the next morning and will be able to go about my day as if nothing happened, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the reason why I hide everything is because I don't want to face the shame for having become just the copycat of my mother and the sickening relationships that were played out within my family

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take on the judgement of my mother relative to addictions and addictive behavior as something 'weak' and something despicable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I took on this judgement without questioning it, I made myself weak and despicable when I played out the same overwhelment-desire to suppress- binge eating -shame and self blame routine, and I can't really let anything go within a judgement frame because the judgement clouds my clarity about what I have to do, such as writing and correcting myself, to move out of this point

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry the shame for this behavior, believing that this pattern is who I really am, hiding this point from my partners in fear that they would see me with the same eyes I look at myself with, ending up in self loathing and a desire to be alone so I can do what I want and play out all my patterns without having to face the shame of being found out

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not face this point earlier because I kept justifying why it was Ok if sometimes 'I overdid' something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, as I am standing up to end abuses in the world, I cannot let go anything of me that still justifies self abuse because as within so without, and I no longer want to participate in the within that creates the without were we find ourselves currently

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are some points that are too big to unravel, that have too many ramifications, memories and emotions connected to them and that I will never be able to walk away for good from them instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I built those patterns in time, I will just have to walk back the timeline but I can never do this until I start somewhere and this is where I start to end this self destructive pattern once and for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that this pattern is always activated within a moment of judgement as I assess something that is happening to me as 'negative' for the simple reason that this pattern is a 'positive' pattern in my deluded mind, it is charged with a feeling of reward and as such I use it when I have a loss or a perception of loss to close a hole, metaphorically and literally, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need to judge what happens to me nor to establish if it is a positive or a negative point because it is within these assessments/judgements that I then seek energetic solutions to resolve the way I feel vs moving to return myself to myself through SF for having participated in negative energy playouts that led to a desire for positivity

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, in certain specific situation that are perceived in the same way by the all world, to feel justified that I am really having a negative experience, no shit and hence accept and allow myself to scan through my positive energy solutions that range from shopping to binge eating just to regret both because I did not assess my physical reality and what needed to be done but what I desired to do as in giving in to a 'desire' that feels like a reward as in a positive experience

I forgive myself thaqt I accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed out at the idea that I would take on this point, accepting and allowing myself to postpone it just in case I would not make it the first time, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that those are all reactions of me as the mind in fear of losing standing, of losing some Character and its playground and just scarecrows - and as such -not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did not keep this 'positive' outlet for myself to indulge occasionally, then all my life was in fact reduced to nothing, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is because I hold the desire to live out this pattern due to not having released yet this personality construct that I create dramas in my life, so I can have the negative experience that I need to activate the positive experience of rewarding myself with binge eating, as I miss out that I am not relieving myself but just re-living myself over and over until I am re-warded as in caged further within this emotional and feeling playout

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind when attempting to face this pattern telling me not to, that I would never make it, that it was too long ingrained and for accepting and allowing to postpone the moment I would release myself from its grips just so that me as The Mind could have it is way instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I keep my patterns in place by not standing up as the Directive Principle of my mind deciding that this has to end because I say so and this, as the Directive Principle of myself, is enough

Related articles

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Day 373: Letting Hong Kong go

The Chinese characters for "Hong Kong". (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I wrote the title of this blog I felt a sense of sadness, a sense of loss.

Hong Kong has been the peak of my professional value and somehow of my personal value as well.

It is where, according to my mind, I shone the most, I was at my best, the world at my feet, I was slim, attractive, well dressed, connected to all the right people and earning a lot of money. In addition I was independent with a full time helper and the freedom to travel around the world at my fingertips.

What my mind always forgets to bring up when throwing memories in my face at all apparently random moments is the downside of it, I was never really happy in a stable way in my lifetime, when I was in Hong Kong I was either high or tipsy all the way to drunk.

I was bulimic and would spend Sundays roaming aimlessly inside supermarkets and gourmet shops looking for enticing but cheap food because I knew I would eat it and then throw it up, I had given myself up to my mind completely, I didn't even try to fight it any more, my life was a life of damage-management.

And yet, whenever Hong Kong comes up in my mind it is to highlight the glamour, the 'good side of it all', the food I loved, my sense of having successfully impersonated somebody competent but this is they key word 'impersonating', so however others perceived me, that was never how I experienced myself, instead I always felt overstretched between worlds, the one where I came from and the one where I had landed myself, always stressed at the idea that it could all fall apart and that I would be outed as an impostor, because I couldn't, shouldn't have been able to make that jump, ever, where I was born and my life history could have only led me to an average life, my Hong Kong life was way above who I believed myself to be or could ever be and this stretch, this attempt to stretch myself beyond my self imposed limitation kept me on my toes and at a level of anxiety that at the time I could only medicate with pot and with pretending that all was really fine, as I hung to positive thinking looking for that relief that I could not have from my mind.
Switching it off never seemed an option, maybe I could pivot it -as Abraham Hicks said-, I thought at the time, pivot my thoughts into something else, oblivious to the fact that none of it was real and that the essential experience of myself, sadly, remained.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Hong Kong had a value that I could try and squeeze out of it for myself instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that it was me divesting some of my value, some of my substance, to Hong Kong and then attempt to get it back by living Hong Kong as me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when images and memories of enticing Hong Kong pop up in my mind, to not question why my mind is offering that specific hook in that specific moment but instead take the hook all the way into regret for having left a city I believed I loved so much

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was Hong Kong that made me feel special and better than how I felt in other places in my life, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that there was nothing special in Hong Kong but the sum of the values of the things I have been valuing in my life and that instead of taking Hong Kong as my opportunity to break free, I dived into it believing that I had arrived, that that was My city, my place -and not just a place like any other where I just happened to come face to face with the divested values of myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress the truth about my real experience of Hong Kong, such as how I really experienced myself as lonely, sad, weak and addicted, as the puppet of my own mind without seeing, realizing and understanding that things got to where they got through my participation in the 'positive thinking' movement, that while it enhanced on the surface all the good, kept in the backstage all the negative, the bad, which grew to a point where my anxiety reached a level of unsustainability and I had to leave the city

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny my experience of myself while in Hong Kong because I had previously manifested my dis-ease with this world, with life in general and my place in it and had been told to 'chin up' hence I wanted to find one place in the world where I did fit in, where I did not keep experiencing myself in such a negative oppressive way and I turned Hong Kong into this positive place for myself, one place in the world where I could believe I fitted in so as not to feel like such a misfit for the rest of my life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that making one place in the world 'my perfect place' came with a price tag, which was that the rest of the world could never be my perfect place because that place was already assigned and within this for creating within myself a polarity between Hong Kong and the rest of the world with the result that when I came back to Italy or I moved to Thailand I was forced to live in my 'not favorite place' and within that for creating unnecessary anxiety for myself regarding my placement in the world that should always be equal and not matter at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the depth of a self created depression when I came back to Italy because I faced the perception of a fall from grace, where grace was Hong Kong and Italy was a shit hole by comparison as I failed to see, realize and understand that a place is just a place and everything I experience within it, within me is of my own making 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was suddenly less, worth-less since I came back to Italy because I no longer had the relationship of positive energy I had imbued myself and Hong Kong with, tying together myself to a city in search of a stability that I never reached there or anywhere else, as I failed to see, realize and understand that I mySelf must become my own stability and nothing else outside of me that can be taken away, cease to exist or simply reveal itself for what it always was, a place no different from any other but just overcharged with my own 'positive energy investments'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive and feel a sense of loss at the idea that I may never be able to go back to Hong Kong in fear that I will never feel as positive as I felt when I was there, while hiding from myself the whole truth about those times, when I was sad, addicted, bulimic and lonely

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about being lonely, sad, addicted and bulimic and for suppressing those truths so that I could keep up the image of the accomplished business woman and get kudos points for myself from others within the hope to gain a value for myself that I perceived I never had

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make mental lists of the many reasons why I loved Hong Kong without seeing, realizing and understanding that everything that was on my list was always a point of positive energetic feedback in which I perceived an increase of value for myself and that the solution cannot be to return to where I divested my value but to return to myself the value I have divested over time over this particular city

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was worth-less on my return to Italy because I perceived the lack of all my positive energy props about Hong Kong, failing to see realize and understand that I never lived in that city for real and I know for sure because when I saw for the first time the documentary Hong Kong cage dwellers or the plight of the migrant maids and their abuses, I was shocked as I never knew this reality even existed under my very eyes and this is the proof that I have hovered over Hong Kong in my position of privilege and not lived there within all its dimension at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would never be the same as I was in Hong Kong as in sharp, well adjusted and successful instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that those definition of myself where definitions of myself as The Mind and they had no foundation in reality as I can see, realize and understand that I have never lived those words as myself but as a system within a system and one of the reasons why I felt well adjusted was because I had successfully managed to stop questioning reality and some of the friction that I used to feel due to questioning reality and the purpose of our existence subsided, as I successfully accepted that this reality finally worked for me and that all questioning should end, submitting myself to myself as the Mind and my own deluded self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in another culture as a way to escape mine, which seemed belittling to me by comparison to the vastness of the oriental culture, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that a culture is just a cult and that when I started digging into the Chinese one I found many similarities to mine because all cultures are limiting, judgemental and oppressive and within this that I did not see realize and understand that I was trying to break free from my own limits, judgements and oppressions by projecting the judgement about them outside, on my culture, on what cultivated me from embryo into adulthood instead of taking responsibility for myself about breaking free from my preprogrammed and self programmed limiting existence

When and as I see myself long for Hong Kong, desire to be there, regret that I have ever left or about to do any of such things, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am clear about what was valuable about Hong Kong and that was my own energetic investment in it and I can realign myself by taking it all back to delete it and my ties to this city for good

When and as I see myself projecting to myself happy moments in Hong Kong as a way to remind myself of my utter failure to lift myself out of this country, my past and my culture, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with Italy per se and I can take back all judgements and self judgements about myself and Italy in relation to each other so that my experience here doesn't have to be a struggle but can become just like anywhere else, where I can work toward being stable so I can really focus on what matters

When and as I see myself indulging or about to indulge in a moment of sadness for what I lost, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I have lost nothing but an energetic feedback from my own investment from my own years spent substantiating Hong Kong as being more than somewhere else and special and breath by breath make sure that here is nothing left tying me to this city as any ties means I am in fact Not Free

I commit myself to let Hong Kong go for good

I commit myself to, whenever a though, a memory, a feeling comes up within me or is about to come up about Hong Kong, to flag it so that I can remind myself that I have walked my SF in relation to this point and my SCS and I just need to now walk them into the physical to make the severing of this ties real and for good

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Day 371: Do I 'Mind'? Yes, unfortunately 'I Still Do Mind'...

I have been off my Mind Blogs for sometime now, mainly because I have not made the effort to overcome what was going on in my private life to find the Time to go back to self support as writing.

It would seem quite idiotic to not do the one thing that could effectively support me through this time of transition, but hei, this is the nature of me as The Mind, all about survival and no brains at all, no brains of the kind that helps to sort things out, this is why we remind to each other to go back to writing, when we don't we risk to be sucked back into Mind games, we risk self diminishment, self judgement, we risk to participate in meaningless tirades about who we have been, what we have done and everything we have participated in that we are not so proud of after all, instead of taking the time to just delete and move on, using the tools I have learnt with Desteni.

So, in this first blog returning from the Depth of Minding my own businesses, I will start with clearing the perception of myself as someone who shouldn't be entitled to write at all, because I have married many different causes before and I have seen me, as the Mind, using this specific point to belittle myself, to make sure that I won't have the balls to stand up because I shouldn't, because I have been a spokeperson for too many theories and belief system that I should have the decency to just shut up.

Instead, I won't. I will never shut up again, I have had many lives, none of which worth of any note because they were all targeting one point, my self fool-fillment and not seeking solutions to realign myself so that I can be one point that starts to broadcast Me as the World I want to live in.

Here is my self forgiveness on this specific point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to intimidate myself and bully myself about having lost the right to self expression due to the many causes and belief system I have been a spoke person for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could lose credibility if I stood up for Change because of my past and the past lives I have lived as a tarot reader, crystal healer, positive thinker and Abraham Hicks supporter, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that what I participated in doesn't define me unless I accept myself to be defined by it as who I am vs realizing that what I participated in was a quest to seek the truth about this creation and why I am here and in no way diminishes my ability to stand up and say I got it all wrong and I am now ready to realign and walk a process of real self change

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to speak up, write blogs and share my new stance about existence and my role within it, I would be ridiculed and be told 'give it up already' instead of seeing realizing and understanding I have always feared my own self judgement about what I participated in for self aggrandizement and not the judgement of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when seeing the name of my ex pop up on Skype, go into an anxiety about 'what if he reads what I write and then goes on to tell others that I am now involved with this 'new cult' and that I haven't changed because I am still at it, talking about ways to change myself when everyone knows that 'people don't change''

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think and speak the words 'People dont/never change'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest value in my 'ex husband' opinion of me as more valuable than what I am doing to change myself and for accepting and allowing myself to freeze at the idea of him rolling his eyes in contempt about the fact that what I am doing is 'unscientific, not proven to work and is just an idea in my head - not unlike the many others I pursued before

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play out in my mind the distress I would feel if such an event would take place instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is just my own self indulged creation coming to bite me back and that I can correct this imagination point by deleting it and no longer allowing myself to participate within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared at the idea that I have compromised my ability to share with others in common sense because I have participated in a lot of activities that lacked common sensical investigation, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am walking the consequences of my unaware participation in reality and that I can correct this point by standing unwavering accumulating common sensical points until common sense is who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of participation in writing due to what was going on in my private life, as adjusting to a relationship that turned out to be way more demanding than I first 'thought' when I did not evaluate all the points I would have to be involved with to support this person, until he can speak Italian properly and move independently without my help

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and filled with resentment because I accepted and allowed myself to make a relationship choice based on a nice solid ass, which is not much of a point one can base a relationship on, and for then facing the fact that I can't walk away as I have always done blaming him for not being able to keep up the pace of words with me, because I knew this point would need time and for accepting and allowing myself to be irritated at the amount of time this process is taking instead of seeing and realizing that learning a language is a time based process as one accumulates words and understanding and that it was my own ass-based assumptions that made it into something else before I entered the relationship, so I would not have to consider the time point which would have been a minus while I was wanting to collect only pluses to go and live out this relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself and then bully others because I did not take the time to unbully myself in writing to avoid passing on my self abuse in the form of abuse to others

When and as I see myself attempting to bring up points about my past participation as a way from preventing myself from writing out my mind and what is going on within me, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is just a form of self sabotage and that I have the choice to not participate and move to writing myself out instead

When and as I see myself fearing or about to fear the judgement of others about my current participation -yet again- within a cult-ish group, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there is nothing cult-ish about Desteni but the label someone attached to it as a form of prevention from having to face ourselves as The Mind and keep on walking my process in self support for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself becoming impatient with my partner because he doesn't master words at the speed I do, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that there are many other ways in which he is supporting me and that I am singling out this point of words as an excuse to bully him and belittle him when I accept and allow myself to bully and belittle myself, so I stop, breathe, breathe, breathe, do not accept to speak words in reaction that are not supportive and are creating consequences in mine and his life and instead offer the support required to him to be able to master this language in the time it will take - that cannot be set by my ideas or opinions about it in any way shape or form

When and as I see myself desiring to blame him for my lack of participation within process, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that this is in fact self Dis'One-est as it has never been his fault if I faded away but my own responsibility to not give in to the Mind in self doubt and self judgement until I had to push to stand up again and keep walking

I commit to no longer suppress what is going on within me to the point of accumulation but instead to support myself through writings, SF and SCA until I can stand stable to keep walking my process with my group as the seed of the Humanity that will come, One and Equal, until it's done

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Day 357: I am not 'The Fonz'

When I was a kid there was a show on TV called 'Happy Days'.

I liked The Fonz, he was the cool guy of the group and while I liked everything about the most famous show ever to introduce both 'The American Way of Life' and 'The American Dream', I liked him best because everyone was impressed by him and everyone feared him.

It is amazing to look back at the models that shaped who we have become as we have picked and mixed people's characteristics to come up with personalities decent enough to walk on the stage of this world without feeling lessened by our own presence and how much Hollywood worked hard to churn out more and more characters that we could copycat, finding our own 'originality' by piecing together the things that stood out as 'valuable' -to create value for ourselves, never realizing how unoriginal in fact we have all become nor that the people we worshiped where characters too, that outside of the screen they had troubled lives more often than not, lives of which we knew nothing nor cared to know about because we were always and only looking for 'accessories' to add to our 'projected images' so that we may be more than others as we accepted that life is nothing but a competition for survival.

One of the most famous of Fonz quirks was his inability to say 'I'm sorry', understandably so, he was the coolest guy who was always right and when not he could make others so afraid they would be the ones conceding to him that they were wrong infact.

So I associated the word cool with 'never say sorry' and this is one point that came up the other day when I did something I could have avoided, someone around me reacted and said what I said was hurtful and made him feel exposed as if there was no safety in our relationship and then because I couldn't in the moment say I was sorry I went on to list what He had done wrong which was more serious, had more weight, was more reproachable than my joke, all the while entertaining the nagging feeling that I could have just said 'I'm sorry' and stop myself from participating in needless retaliation seeking to be right at all costs when I was not at all.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that saying 'I'm sorry' within intimate relationships is Not Cool and for defining coolness within the behavior of 'never say I am sorry'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be cool because being cool meant an extra buffer between me and the rest of the world which I believed I needed for extra safety instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I was just afraid of others because I feared myself and what was going on in my mind about others and I assumed they may have the same stuff going on about me in their mind -and that was frightening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking the words 'I am sorry' within an intimate relationship, to perceive a loss of power, a diminishment in the admission that I was wrong and had made a mistake instead of seeing and realizing that by my saying 'I am sorry' I was in fact correcting the mistake I had realized I made and not in any way diminishing or belittling myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'I am sorry' within my intimate relationships in case the other was keeping a black book about me, as I did about them, where they noted all my mistakes so they could call me out any time like my mother did and like I did to others as I copied the pattern of behavior that my mother showed me within a 'close relationship'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes in case they would be held against me for the natural duration of my life because I never seemed to do good enough to delete my mistakes from the black book my mother held against me and for believing that it was appropriate and convenient to hold a black book of others' mistakes so I could use them to put them back in their place whenever I saw fit or whenever I felt myself threatened into having to admit I had made a mistake myself but theirs was graver, more serious, they were in fact wrong-er than I ever was

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that we have to participate in this score keeping about others and our own mistakes, never letting go and within this supporting the construct of the unforgiving nature of this world because what is acceptable for me, what I allow in the small manifests in the big and within this for not seeing realizing and understanding that there is no value in score keeping regarding miss-takes of myself or others but only in the practical application of my correction as I show myself that I am taking response-ability for my words, thoughts and deeds all the way into self correction and as I keep walking my self corrections I accumulate the self trust about my ability to change, my ability to not repeat what has not worked in the past for myself and others equally and within this self trust I can trust others, I can give others the benefit of the doubt so that they too may walk their self correction instead of being held down by my ledger of wrong doings that defines them and me equally as unforgiving and unforgiven

When and as I see myself feeling resistance when I see that I should apologize for something I said or did, I stop, breathe, remind myself that I have seen clearly this point as a desire for value above another and that I no longer want to support my mind's desire to be more than another through my unforgiveness and that I want a forgiving world for myself and others so that we may realign to Life, let go of all our past mistakes and move together to find solutions that work for all

When and as I see myself desiring to take out my little black book where I mark other people's mistakes, I stop, breathe, tell myself that those little black books are the holes that we dig for ourselves individually and collectively and I no longer wish to be part of this system of blackmail of each other through our past mistakes, instead I breathe to let go and make sure I don't file anything about myself or another for later use

When and as I see myself fearing to lose value within a moment in which I can clearly see I should apologize, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no value in being right and making someone else wrong, that this values are only values of me as The Mind ans as such not valuable at all, instead I move for the value of supporting another as myself, as Life, within a movement of forgiveness of myself to end the desire of wanting to be right making someone else wrong as I see realize and understand that a forgiving world requires my forgiveness, the absolute forgiveness of myself first so I can extend it to others one and equal

I commit myself to, whenever I see myself being wrong, before I move into the Mind to look for excuses and justifications about why I am entitled to do so, be so, act so, to stop, breathe and ask another the forgiveness that I grant myself in the breathe I take, before I speak to take my responsibility for an interaction that did not work out to what is best for all.

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