My family relationship with food was distorted, no one saw food for what it is, the fuel within a biological system that needs to survive.
Instead they all attached plenty 'positive' feelings to the idea of eating, rewarded me with food, made food and their relationship to it a 'positive' moment and a positive movement.
Of course being Italian this was a cultural point as well, so this specific relationship reinforcement was doubled inside and outside the family.
My mother was bulimic, she was the weak link in a chain of sharks and she would binge eat to suppress emotions that were rampant and hidden within my family system. I didn't understand this until I read an article on princess Diana where they expanded on this point to explain what Bulimia was and then I realized my mother had been doing that for a long time.
I have done that on and off but I have not freed myself from this construct yet, nor from the unhealthy relationship to food, when I go under pressure I will binge eat -and occasionally drink- and then feel sick and regretful and throw up.
I had one of this incident again this week as I moved through a sense of loss (post 375 walked privately with my buddy) and I know want to unravel this point with self forgiveness to correct it once and for all so it won't lurk in the dark as an 'option', as a 'positive moment' that I can choose when things turn 'negative' according to my perception of events within a polarity energetic system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to approach some of the Eqafe interviews in fear, allowing myself to feel overwhelmed, enraged, outraged and sickened by what was explained as I faced the fact that on a Mind level, a place I had so worshiped, I am nothing more than a robot responding to stimulation and triggers and playing out the same Characters again and again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that judging what has been, what was done and our participation in it generates emotions s energy and keeps me trapped within patterns of behavior that I become unable to correct
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I go through an episode of binge eating, drinking and bulimia, to try and hide all the traces of it so I won't remember the next morning and will be able to go about my day as if nothing happened, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the reason why I hide everything is because I don't want to face the shame for having become just the copycat of my mother and the sickening relationships that were played out within my family
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take on the judgement of my mother relative to addictions and addictive behavior as something 'weak' and something despicable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I took on this judgement without questioning it, I made myself weak and despicable when I played out the same overwhelment-desire to suppress- binge eating -shame and self blame routine, and I can't really let anything go within a judgement frame because the judgement clouds my clarity about what I have to do, such as writing and correcting myself, to move out of this point
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry the shame for this behavior, believing that this pattern is who I really am, hiding this point from my partners in fear that they would see me with the same eyes I look at myself with, ending up in self loathing and a desire to be alone so I can do what I want and play out all my patterns without having to face the shame of being found out
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not face this point earlier because I kept justifying why it was Ok if sometimes 'I overdid' something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, as I am standing up to end abuses in the world, I cannot let go anything of me that still justifies self abuse because as within so without, and I no longer want to participate in the within that creates the without were we find ourselves currently
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are some points that are too big to unravel, that have too many ramifications, memories and emotions connected to them and that I will never be able to walk away for good from them instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I built those patterns in time, I will just have to walk back the timeline but I can never do this until I start somewhere and this is where I start to end this self destructive pattern once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that this pattern is always activated within a moment of judgement as I assess something that is happening to me as 'negative' for the simple reason that this pattern is a 'positive' pattern in my deluded mind, it is charged with a feeling of reward and as such I use it when I have a loss or a perception of loss to close a hole, metaphorically and literally, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need to judge what happens to me nor to establish if it is a positive or a negative point because it is within these assessments/judgements that I then seek energetic solutions to resolve the way I feel vs moving to return myself to myself through SF for having participated in negative energy playouts that led to a desire for positivity
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, in certain specific situation that are perceived in the same way by the all world, to feel justified that I am really having a negative experience, no shit and hence accept and allow myself to scan through my positive energy solutions that range from shopping to binge eating just to regret both because I did not assess my physical reality and what needed to be done but what I desired to do as in giving in to a 'desire' that feels like a reward as in a positive experience
I forgive myself thaqt I accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed out at the idea that I would take on this point, accepting and allowing myself to postpone it just in case I would not make it the first time, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that those are all reactions of me as the mind in fear of losing standing, of losing some Character and its playground and just scarecrows - and as such -not real
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did not keep this 'positive' outlet for myself to indulge occasionally, then all my life was in fact reduced to nothing, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is because I hold the desire to live out this pattern due to not having released yet this personality construct that I create dramas in my life, so I can have the negative experience that I need to activate the positive experience of rewarding myself with binge eating, as I miss out that I am not relieving myself but just re-living myself over and over until I am re-warded as in caged further within this emotional and feeling playout
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind when attempting to face this pattern telling me not to, that I would never make it, that it was too long ingrained and for accepting and allowing to postpone the moment I would release myself from its grips just so that me as The Mind could have it is way instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I keep my patterns in place by not standing up as the Directive Principle of my mind deciding that this has to end because I say so and this, as the Directive Principle of myself, is enough
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I go through an episode of binge eating, drinking and bulimia, to try and hide all the traces of it so I won't remember the next morning and will be able to go about my day as if nothing happened, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the reason why I hide everything is because I don't want to face the shame for having become just the copycat of my mother and the sickening relationships that were played out within my family
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take on the judgement of my mother relative to addictions and addictive behavior as something 'weak' and something despicable instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I took on this judgement without questioning it, I made myself weak and despicable when I played out the same overwhelment-desire to suppress- binge eating -shame and self blame routine, and I can't really let anything go within a judgement frame because the judgement clouds my clarity about what I have to do, such as writing and correcting myself, to move out of this point
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry the shame for this behavior, believing that this pattern is who I really am, hiding this point from my partners in fear that they would see me with the same eyes I look at myself with, ending up in self loathing and a desire to be alone so I can do what I want and play out all my patterns without having to face the shame of being found out
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not face this point earlier because I kept justifying why it was Ok if sometimes 'I overdid' something, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that, as I am standing up to end abuses in the world, I cannot let go anything of me that still justifies self abuse because as within so without, and I no longer want to participate in the within that creates the without were we find ourselves currently
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are some points that are too big to unravel, that have too many ramifications, memories and emotions connected to them and that I will never be able to walk away for good from them instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as I built those patterns in time, I will just have to walk back the timeline but I can never do this until I start somewhere and this is where I start to end this self destructive pattern once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand, that this pattern is always activated within a moment of judgement as I assess something that is happening to me as 'negative' for the simple reason that this pattern is a 'positive' pattern in my deluded mind, it is charged with a feeling of reward and as such I use it when I have a loss or a perception of loss to close a hole, metaphorically and literally, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don't need to judge what happens to me nor to establish if it is a positive or a negative point because it is within these assessments/judgements that I then seek energetic solutions to resolve the way I feel vs moving to return myself to myself through SF for having participated in negative energy playouts that led to a desire for positivity
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, in certain specific situation that are perceived in the same way by the all world, to feel justified that I am really having a negative experience, no shit and hence accept and allow myself to scan through my positive energy solutions that range from shopping to binge eating just to regret both because I did not assess my physical reality and what needed to be done but what I desired to do as in giving in to a 'desire' that feels like a reward as in a positive experience
I forgive myself thaqt I accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed out at the idea that I would take on this point, accepting and allowing myself to postpone it just in case I would not make it the first time, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that those are all reactions of me as the mind in fear of losing standing, of losing some Character and its playground and just scarecrows - and as such -not real
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I did not keep this 'positive' outlet for myself to indulge occasionally, then all my life was in fact reduced to nothing, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is because I hold the desire to live out this pattern due to not having released yet this personality construct that I create dramas in my life, so I can have the negative experience that I need to activate the positive experience of rewarding myself with binge eating, as I miss out that I am not relieving myself but just re-living myself over and over until I am re-warded as in caged further within this emotional and feeling playout
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind when attempting to face this pattern telling me not to, that I would never make it, that it was too long ingrained and for accepting and allowing to postpone the moment I would release myself from its grips just so that me as The Mind could have it is way instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I keep my patterns in place by not standing up as the Directive Principle of my mind deciding that this has to end because I say so and this, as the Directive Principle of myself, is enough
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