Day 82: The Responsible Character as a Cover Up for the One Loathing Self responsibility

Yesterday through something that happened with my mum, plus my chat with one of my Buddies today, I saw a point I have been circlying around that I touched on in my yesterday Blog but somehow missed completely.

I should take the freaking 'somehow' out, because I know' how' the 'some how' in fact happened, as it is a point I don't want to face, in fact I loathe facing this point, which is why I am anticipating the writing of my Blog and tomorrow I will dedicate it to my assignment, because I am sure I will come up with some clever dream or some diversion to not in fact write about this.

The point of the Character that Hates Self Responsibility.

This is one big Character of mine, I know because it has a cover up, a clever one, the Character who loves Responsibilities.

In my job I have always excelled in talking responsibility, for everything, for my staff, for external events, for not foreseeing what could happen to a cargo, to the production at the factory, to the health of one of my staff, I am a 360 degrees responsibility freak, I thrive on it and feel good about it.

Everyone can always rely on me at work because I get things done, I am VERY responsible.

But my private secret life has always been the opposite of this, a life of self abuse and absolute lack of self responsibility, when I smoked pot as a way of life, I would have to force myself to not blaze as first thing in the morning on Saturday or I would miss the market and would not shop  for the week, I would not go to bed to get enough sleep even when I had an important day ahead of me if I was into one of my self destructive spyrals, it was like myself and my Life was in fact someone else responsibility, not clear whose in the specific, especially when I lived abroad, I tried to make my ex husband responsible for me, then when he did not give in we hired a helper, and I made her responsible for 'taking care of me'.

I took on the Money responsibility, I would bring home the bread and butter, she took on the household responsibility and the responsibility for me, for my diet, for my washing, ironing, basically, I got myself a wife., which I have always perceived inside the relationship I have seen as the 'responsible one' as well as in the one that gets 'the blame', having equated responsibility with blame.

One point that I see that paid out in my NOT wanting to take responsibility for myself that I have glazed over, is the point of Blame, the confusion and miss-take I made to connect Blame and responsibility and since Blame made me feel Guilty, I did not want to participate in Blame OR Responsibility.

Never mind being responsible for the World as Me, that was not even close to Home until recently, but the point of my job and my resistences showed this Character again, I wanted my mum to be responsible for me, somehow. I know because yesterday when the Money point was unleashed I felt tired and aggravated , and not lightened up by suddenly seeing I had the power to move that I connected to Money, NO, suddenly I felt the responsibility of no longer having any excuse to not get going with my Life and become Self Directive regarding the job/work point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To create a Character that enjoys responsibility of the Outer Business World as a way to prove to myself that I am in fact a Responsible Human Being and not question my absolute past lack of Self Responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself about being Responsible when my private/secret life showed me I was anything but, and regardless of the abuses that went on in my Life after office Hours, I still mantained myself as Responsible just because I was Responsible at work and making good Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that making Money makes me Responsible even when I have not stood up to stop my existence as Self Abuse and as an Abuser of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT make Money now so that I could NOT engage this Character of Responsibility and I would have to notice the underlining One that Loathes Self Responsibility without his partner in crimes as Cover Up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I only learn 'the hard way' because through this belief that I myself have created to give value to my 'hard lived experiences as lessons' then I have to live out 'the hard way' as I create it for myself to live through my own beliefs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see The Responsibility of My Words and for desiring to Not Take responsibility for my Words given the utter bullshit I have spoken and thought in my Life and for never seeing any connection between my words and beliefs and the Characters I lived out and then lived me out while I stood as the NON Responsibility for My Words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good and proud because I believed I was responsible because I brought Home Money that I could then give to someone who I made responsible for myself and taking care of me because I believed I was not good at taking care of myself as a way to justify why I did not want to become a Self Responsible Human Being and start taking care of Myself in and as Self Response-Ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I could trick anyone into believing I was Responsible because I took on every flying Responsibility during my office hours, then I could trick myself into the delusion that I was Self Responsible and nothing else was required of me having done my 10 to 12 hours of work in absolute Responsibility disregarding absolutely my Self Responsibility toward myself and what went on inside of me and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become while standing in and as a Not Self Responsible Human Being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the way I felt, thought and spoke on 'someone else' so I would not have to feel the responsibility of My Words as a weight and something I would have to do something about through becoming Self responsible in stopping my existence as Words that did not support Life from which I separated myself while I did not take Self Responsibility for them as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up my Self Responsibility because I feared that Self Responsibility would lead me to have to become Self Responsible about myself and my participation in the world as part of the problem and I did not want such responsibility for sure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spend years looking for external reasons and causes regarding my inability to become Self Responsible and the Care Taker of myself and within this accepting and allowing myself to blame 'something out there' for having turned out the way I did as a non Self Responsible Human Being, instead of seeking inside of myself what I had accepted and allowed myself to become through my irresponsible participation in the World as part of the problem and not part of the solution

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated as soon as I perceived someone trying to "make me responsible" for something that was not work related and for entering this defensive mode that would turn into retaliation to show them that I was right and they were wrong and They were in fact the cause of what it was going on and not me as I would fight nail and tooth to NOT take responsibility for myself, my thoughts, words and deeds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word responsibility to Failure, meaning that when someone said or implied according to my interpretation that it was my responsibility/fault about something and I would see the opportunity for Guilt opening up, I would shut down from even hearing what another had to say to try and avoid entering the Guilty state of Mind for which I blamed the other having used the word Responsibility=Blame toward me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a way to communicate to each other in which all words have become distorted and loaded with personal charges, meanings and interpretations, so that I have reduced myself to never ever having had a real conversation with anyone, but a series of gulps and gasps intermitted with my own reactions that I would become too busy trying to suppress to even hear what another was saying, always blaming the other inside of myself for the way 'they made me feel' failing to take responsibility=power for my own reactions and movements so I could stop them and self correct and put an end to the Blame/Guilt/Shame game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loathe self responsibility because within this point of Responsibility=Blame=Guilt Shame arises, in which I feel like I have failed to deliver an acceptable performance for whatever was required of me, to the point that I ended up isolating myself so I would not have to be challenged and would not have to face reactions and what goes on inside of me while I interact with another, for which I would have to take responsibility/blame/guilt/shame I did not want or wanted to participate in, failing to see I was giving up my power to stand one and equal to my reactions and as the change required to stop my existence as reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Self responsibility=Blame/Guilt and Shame, failing to see that this was MY OWN Self Created association within me as The Mind, that I have never cleared out before by forgiving myself for having participated in blame, guilt and shame and believing these feelings to be who I really am, instead of seeing and realizing I am NOT the Blame/Guilt and Shame I felt and believed to be me in connection with Self Responsibility and that emotions and feelings are NOT real and I do not define myself or limit myself any longer through and as emotions and feelings for which I FOR-GIVE MYSELF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty yesterday when it became clear to me that once I sold the house I would no longer have ties to Italy and immediately considered how could I survive not becoming self responsible but finding ways to live off the money not considering that when I would have the money, I would have nothing left, meaning not a place to stay that is paid for nor a house for my old age and that I was not thinking in terms of becoming self responsible but within the Character "I Loathe Self Responsibility' which always comes up with stupid short term solutions that I have followed in self delusion, including the one that I could manifest Money from thin air like Abraham Hicks said, which proved to be total utter bullshit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to loathe this Character that is linked with my Entitlement Character, that believes that I am special and therefore I don't have to work for a living because Grandma told me so when I was a kid and I believed she would be the one taking responsibility for my life and me until she died, and I saw that I did not have enough to stop working so I set off to manifest Money and prove that Law of Attraction worked, which it did not, and I ended up where I started which was, having to face the point of becoming Self Responsible for my Life and Myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had a right to be entitled to an easy life just by the birth lottery I had participated in while others would have to suck it up, because they had not chosen or deserved what I had in terms of the chances I had which I wasted while I embodied my Entitlement Character and my Self Irresponsible Character, believing that my future was assured and I would not have to worry about it as long as I sucked up to my grandparents which I did, only to discover that they too like the Catholics did not pay off their promises to uplift me out of the Misery all of us have to face as the World Systems we have accepted and allowed to manifest as a consequence of our Desire to experience ourselves as More than Me and More than Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is the tool to shift Self responsibility because I bought into this System where the Rich never face any con-sequence for their actions and so I resolved 'I want to be rich and not face the con-sequences of my thoughts/words and deeds', failing to see that within this desire and belief I lived as support to the World system where noone is taking responsibility for their thoughts, words and deeds if they have enough Money to buy their way out of the reality they have created but do not wish to experience, just like myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not experience the reality I have created and molded for myself and for which I wish to blame others/external circumstances, instead of seeing and realizing that unless I stand in self responsibility I give up my power to matter and whatever I do becomes immaterial and unsubstantial, because I myself have decided to not matter when I abdicated my Self Responsibility toward what matters and the matters at hand to follow my self designed delusions of my mind about walking away from it all and never having to experience this Creation as me and what was the outflow of our separation from Oneness and Equality and Everything that Matters in and as The Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my Character that doesn't want to be Self Responsible with a cover up as the Character that is always responsible so as to never question why I was leading a soap opera life of my own creation, in which I had become aware that people and events were on a repeat mode just with different clothes and scenarios, yet I willed myself to not see the repetitiveness of my Life or I would have to question, is this happening for real, again, Am I Real, and would have to answer that yes I was looping and yes I was NOT Real so I must be looping into my own delusions of my own Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I feel emptied by Self Forgiveness and I have no energy charges moving me, I have to experience a sense of Loss, for what I no longer experience that I believed and lived as if it was Real and since I have not yet applied myself consistently to become accustomed to how Life "feels like' without feelings and emotions and reactions that move me into action, I perceive the loss of myself as parts of myself that were automated and self governing are no longer around to tell me what to do and how to do it and I am forced to learn to stand as a Self Directive principle of myself which is something I have not given myself the time to become accustomed to but I have seen for now as weird and puzzling, not realizing it's a process and I will have to walk myself diligently into and as Self Directive Principle before being Self Directive becomes something that accumulates into the new reality of me as Self Directive Principle of and as My Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not know what to do unless my Mind guides me, even though as a task manager I should have fired My mind long ago given the outcome of my Life and all the messy situations I have found myself in while I lived on demented autopilot, yet I have a desire to still be guided and coached into action as a way to not have to take full self responsibility for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to suppress and hide and deny the desire for autopilot living, just because this is what I have become used to and have accepted and believed to be Life, instead of seeing and realizing that I have not done well as part of the problem of this autopiloted existence and that standing in and self responsibility is my chance to take my Power Back and Matter, and that I am not losing or giving up something by releasing myself from autopilot existence but an illusion and delusion that I was cared about and for by something greater than Me, which had proved to not have my best interest or the best interest of All at heart and so should NOT be leading this dance into utter destruction and to stop this point I HAVE to become Self Responsible and commit myself to do so and walk as the Directive Principle for myself and What is Best for All as Life and all of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the Character of Loathing Self Responsibility in an attempt to lead and sway myself out of facing myself and how I am experiencing myself, I stop, Breathe, bring myself back Here and look in self honesty at what it is that I am trying to avoid and address it through Self Forgiveness and Self corrective statements

When and as I see myself moving into the Responsible Character as a way to not see the underlining movement of me as the One that Loathes Self Responsibility, I stop, Breathe, do not allow myself to use the diversion of perceived external responsibilities to not look at what it is that is moving inside of me and why and investigate what is going on with me to address it in and as Self Correction in Self Responsibility

I commit myself to stop my perceived loathing for Self Responsibility, as I realize it's only a Mind projection of the Fear of the emotions that may arise for feeling responsible/blameful/gulty/shame-full, I see and realize that I have applied self forgiveness for having connected self responsibility to the emotions of blame/guilt/shame and that being self responsible doesn't mean to move into an emotional reaction but to be Self Response-Able, owning up to any reaction that I have inside of me and clearing it/them through self forgiveness and self corrective application and then moving in and as Self Direction for and as What Needs to Be Done

I commit myself to become Self Responsible for every movement inside of me and to stop my participation in and as reactions related to Self Responsibility, which is NOT Blame, but a movement of empowerment through my own equalization with a moment in which I was about to abdicate my responsibility, as power to self direct, to me as the Mind, instead of standing as Self Responsibility as Life as What is best for All for myself and All  of existence Equal and One

I commit myself to stand as Self Directive principle in Absolute Self Responsibility through walking this path of Self Correction in Self Honesty, until Self responsibility as Self Directive Principle is WHO I AM in every moment of Breath

Day 81: Experiencing My Mother stepping Out of Character, Now What ?

What we are doing with this new Character perspective has opened up many new perspectives, one that I saw clearly yesterday and that gave me a feeing of sadness was that if I have just moved from one Character to another within my Life, when was I alive for real ? And the answer is Never.

This became clear as I looked for when was the last time I was authentic, and as it should be, I cannot remember that time, because if and when I was ever authentic as a child, I have no memory of it, because if I were Here in and as Breath, I was not in Character and hence I cannot have filed a memory of that moment, which means everything I can infact remember and place within a memory contest happened while I was in Character, NOT Here, therefore NOT Real.

Yesterday my mum came to visit, she was very upset because she spoke to a friend and the friend told her that Her daughter just out of Uni found a job, so my mum admitted that while she was happy for her (Character) she was envious about it too (Character) because she went into the desire that it should have been me getting the job and why didn't I ? (Character)

The speech came as a bit of a surprise because I thought (Character) that we were fine and that we had agreed that I would focus on my health first (Character) and THEN focus on the job.

Yet we both had been playing this 'job game' unspoken because none of us wanted to get to the root of the matter.

And the roots seem to be several.

One root that she exposed and was quite obvious, is that I have done nothing to 'root' myself back in Italy, I have been hovering above this country, trying to not get infected by my judgements that this country is just something I am doing because I did not know what else to do and that I am in fact absolutey unrelated to it and don't want to create a relationship with it either, as this is my way to rebel against what I see as a system where everyone is razzled-dazzled by brands and money and status and I am NOT.

Then another point has been my regression, I have looked into it and thought that it was due to my return to Italy having made nothing with myself in the 17 years I have spent abroad, I have not come back rich and with a 'position in the world system I can be proud of', so I am fying low as to not have to expose why and how this happened and how I wasted all my 'potential' coming back with and as 'nothing'.

And this point exists, but the regression happened for something that yesterday became clearer as my mum talked, she had originally told me 'ok rent this house out if you don't want to stay here and with the money you can decide what to do and where to go and live', this gave me two feelings, one of relief, because I saw I could again move out of Italy and go to a cheap country and live off this rent, plus I would still have the house for my old age, so there was relief and guilt at the same time, because it seemed that this point would be working only for me, while my mum had to never benefit from some more money that she could get from this house as she sacrificed to protect 'my old age', yet it was 'her duty' (?).

While we talked she re-thought the point out and said, "or we could just sell it as was the original plan, you get half of the money, I get half of the money so I breathe a little, and then what you do with the money it's your business'.

At this prospect I felt a huge relief, because the money from rent was like being under controlled administration, the way you would put someone who had bankrupt and could no longer be 'trusted' with having a lump sum of money, because they would just do a repeat number, but then I saw the point of self responsibility, which I have skipped and hopped along in the past year since I came back, because THIS was the original plan and I had a plan to set up a business with the Money, but when my mum changed her mind, I went both into a sulking "I have ben trapped here against my will' and a spiteful stance of 'if I am handicapped according to you, then you take care of me', because this point is there for sure.

Plus yesterday my mum told me 'see I have stepped out of character' (how interesting), because if I had to behave like grandma I would NOT give you the Money of the house but I would tell you that you fucked up your money and now it's up to you how to get out of it'.

So I had a flood of feelings of gratefulness for the 'stepping out of Character that she did' but then today I saw that she actually had to step out of character, because somehow she had become aware that we were keeping each other stuck into a mother/daughter play and that something had to give or I would be the daughter for eternity and she could only have it two ways, either the power to manage my life through holding the money purse or let go and benefit herself from the letting go by getting half of it.

Yet, after out talk I started looking for a job, but I no longer felt like before, a loser, because now I had an imaginary sum of Money in my pocket and so I became an investor in my own Life and not someone on the dole and I faced for the first time the question, how would it be best for me to move back into the system ?

Of course with the imaginary money in my pocket, everything changed, I changed, so my perceived value went up and many jobs I would not consider became appealing and my choices widened, when you have imaginary money (because let's set this straight, all money circulating at the moment is Imaginary anyway) in your pocket choices expand, so how is it that we cannot get the point of how entangled we have become to the Money System and why we have to pass through the Money System, correct ourselves, Give Money as Life as Choices to everyone Equally, restore everyone's Dignity and then move on to a moneyless world, what is it that we cannot grasp about this Money Point and how much of ourselves has ended up invested and divested in it ? 

I will try and unravel some of the things that seem interlinked with a lot of past stuff now through Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without Money I am paralyzed and handicapped and that I am not as valuable as when I have Money/Imaginary Money in my pocket

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the existence of a world in which our choices are determined/limited by how much Imaginary Money we have in our pockets/Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to look at the job point inside of me in fear that I would have to uncover the point that much of me is divested into Money as value and that without Money/Imaginary Money I am not as effective at playing a Character that takes on the system with Equal Power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my mother and her stance about this house as my excuse for not facing the job point inside of me and what is going on that has prevented me from being as effective as I know I can be since I came back to Italy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was stuck into a paralyzing construct of something that was going on between me and my mother instead of seeing I have paralyzed myself out of spitefulness to prove that since what was promised and owed to me had not been given to me, I now did not know what to do with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pray/prey at my Grandma's Church, where she promised me Heaven on Earth by telling me that I would not have to work once she died as I would inherit everything and that would be enough to spare me from the Hell of this world as work and a Life of responsibility, failing to see that I turned Grandma into a religion that I worshipped because she promised me Heaven when she died which was better that Heaven when I died

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was better/superior to the Catholics that go to Church and pray for a better Life and Heaven after death, because I did not go to Church as I would not be duped into a promise of something to be delivered after my death, failing to see that I just had a better deal going with my Grandmother who promised me Heaven on earth when She died and that I was never better or superior to the Catholics but I just had access to a better, more consistent reward for my Prayers at Grandma's Church

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that for me to access Heaven as in having everything grandma left behind, my mum would have to go to hell, as in not having been recognized as valuable/worthy in life or Death, through Money and possessions, and that I skipped this detail because I did not care that everyone would equally benefit from the equation but that I could benefit more and have my promised Heaven to which I was by now entitled having accepted the worship of Grandma's Church while she was alive at the price of my own compromise of myself and so I had paid what was due, now give me what is Mine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Worth and value were determined by the Money/Possessions one could pile up in a lifetime, because through this belief I perceived my grandma more valuable than my mum in my eyes and ultimately I made myself NOT valuable when I cut myself off Money and Possessions so I could see and realize where I had invested myself and my value/worth in separation from me as Life Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character of Entitlement out of my relationship within my family as I perceived myself paying the required worship to the Church of Grandma, while my mum just didn't get what Grandma was after, which was unconditional support for Her Character which tied me into a Character of my own that developed a Life of its own as Entitlement that I play and embody every time I perceive myself as having paid the due worship to the Character Church of anybody in terms of unconditional support for their Character, no matter if I believe or not that their Character is real, I will pretend as long as they pretend that my Character of Entitlement is real and give me my dues as in worship and unconditional support for the Character I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself at a loss yesterday when in fact I had been given everything I believed I was entitled to, but since my mum stepped out of a Character I was having a converrsation with and moved deflty into another one that I could not immediately identify and align to, I felt naked like in the story of the Emperor's clothes, in which she could see my nakedness and I could not see hers and I felt inferior and diminished and moved back into the daughter character and became grateful for having been granted what I believed was always mine and I was entitled to, yet I suppressed my Entitlement Character in fear that my mother's Character whatever that was would NOT respond well to my Entitlement Character and I might lose out in the Equation in which I was already giving up half of what I believed was Mine just for the sake of secuing the half I was no longer sure I could get out of entitlement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divest myself into Money as Value, as a point that I have accepted and allowed myself to receive and perceive receiving strenght from, meaning that when I do not have Money or access to Money I am weak and not in charge of my Life because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is Money that decided the fate of our Lives and yet even though this realization was clear inside of me I never stood up for Money as Life to be equally shared but focused on how could I become entitled to Money to secure my future and that I would never have to participate in and as the system of making Money in fear of my own compromises, faling to see I had already compromised myself through my investement in Money as Life and that what I feared to see was the extent of my own compromise and what I withheld from the World as me while seeking for my own security as Entitlement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother was superior to me yesterday when I believed she stepped out of Character, failing to see she just switched Character and she just did it too fast for me to align to the proper Character that could outline somehow my point of view so I could come out of this chat feeling right and having the right and entitlement to what she was giving up, and for feeling inferior because I did not manage to uphold my point of view through a Character play but sat there at a loss for where the talk was going that I could not relate to as a Character and feared to face Here in and as Breath in and as Self Honesty because I fear that Here as Breath not moving in and as a Character I have nothing rehearsed and I will be at a loss for words and ultimately at a loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the fear of Loss I experience regarding stepping out of a Character is real, instead of seeing and realizing it is me as the Mind fearing the deletion of Characters as the source of the Energy supply I generate in and as Characters of and as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I knew what was going through my mother's mind because I wish to feel safe that I can at least trust her to do what is best for me, failing to see that no one is doing what is best for another because within our Mind as Characters we have designed ourselves for self interest in terms of securing resources, such as Money, and that I cannot expect from another what I have not been willing to give, even if the other is my Mother, because as my Mother she is just 'in Character' and so she herself will try and manipulate the situation to her favor to get something from me, in terms of positive feedback for her own Character or Money for herself, just as I would do when I am in and as a Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for looking into my mother's words and actions to see where is she trying to fuck me, because as a Character I don't trust myself, and rightly so and so I don't trust others either that they would do what is Best for All as I would NOT do what is best for All when I accept and allow myself to lose myself into and as Character plays

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that my Mother be above the Character Play, because if I accept and allow myself to believe that she is a Character as I am a Character, then NOTHING I have lived or experienced or trusted has ever been real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of my Characters Play because since I have never been Real except the times that I do not remember as a Child and since every memory I try to bring up as help as experience I can relate to before speaking or taking a stance is not real either, I fear not having ground to stand on if and when I step out of Character and that I won't be as articulate as my Characters who I have developed to maximum efficiency to automatically take care of any situation I may face, failing to see that unless I DO step out of All Characters and trust myself that I won't be dumb when it's time to speak but Here in and as Breath and that the more I do and practice being Here the less I will feel the pull and need to step ''in Character' to face something out of fear of being ineffective and that it is a process of building Self trust and that I have nothing to lose as I prove to myself everyday that no Character of Mine has ever been Life but a self interest program I have scripted and lived out pretending to be alive/living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear admitting I have never lived and fear to be flooded by emotions and feelings about what I missed out, yet this is another Character that I can choose to not embody by being Here in and as Breath instead than in and as Regret as a Character of my life not lived, while I keep on NOT living as I stand in Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this creation as me, as I realize we are on stage playing Characters we do not remember how we have scripted or created and I fear that we won't be able to get out of this stupidity loop that we started in our Search for More of Me and More of me Here, instead of realizing the stopping starts with me as I stop the fear of stopping and step out of All Characters to bring myself back here In and as Breath

I commit myself to dig into all my Characters to see where and how they originated and what is the original memory keeping them alive so I can dismantle them one by one to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, for myself and What is best for All, as Life and All of existence, Equal and One

 

Day 80: The "I make people suffer" Character

This Character originated in childhood, when I connected my mother's emotional and feeling response to my presence and my Beingness as the cause of her suffering.

I then went on using this Character because the idea and belief that I can in fact 'make others suffer' made me feel powerful, superior and above them.

This Character has a polarity, I can make people suffer or 'Grace them' both ways I am aware of the perceived potential to affect other people emotions and feelings, both ways I get to feel more than others, either by my power to make them suffer, through clever remarks and nasty comments always concealed as 'humor' or through NOT doing so, when I clearly saw an opportunity and I willingly gave it up so I could feel good about myself for Gracing them.

The interesting thing about this Character is that since it originated from guilt and self judgement it seeks guilt and self judgement in others, as if it could level the Field somehow of its own perceived inadequacies because when everyone is finally exposed for 'who and what they are' I get to re-experience both the guilt and self judgement, but I share it with someone else, or so I perceive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was the cause and the origin of my mother emotional and feeling response when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for how others perceived themselves as this led me to give away my own self responsibility for how I perceived myself and I made others responsible, faulty and guilty of what went on inside of me when around and interacting with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of my mother emotional and feeling response to me as a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the cause of my mother's emotional and feeling response as a Child, because if I were, that would mean 'she cared for me /about me' because only those that we care about can hurt/harm us and that meant I was close to her and she was close to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day she would no longer be hurt by my presence or what I said would lose its impact on her, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my grip on the emotional and feeling response of my mother because that would mean she no longer cared for me/about me and that we had grown apart since I have accepted and allowed myself to associate closeness to someone to the ability to make them suffer/harm them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed about seeing this point within me because this point drags along a string of moments in my Life in which I sought and desired to make someone suffer/harm them to be sure that they in fact cared for me/about me because I did not know how else to be sure about their caring for me/about me, unless they suffered in my presence if and when I decided to exercise my perceived power to make them suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose and subject my partners to this game in which I sought to make them suffer/harm them through jealousy or carelessness or grudges or nasty remarks, so I could check through their emotional response if they did in fact care about me/for me, believing that I could always fix it afterward once I had my energy fix of feeling important and powerful no matter the damage or the harm I had to inflict on someone to make myself feel good and cared for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could in fact harm others by eliciting reactive responses within them as if I were the cause or the origin of their reaction, failing to see that I was only playing this game within my mind, using triggers that I had identified within them, weaknesses that were already existing as their reactive points and that did not define my ability to harm or damage someone but my ability to seek out points of reactiveness for my own self interest within their perceived diminishment of themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as BAD, for having developed such a Character that sought the suffering of others for its own validation and existence as important and all powerful, failing to see that I have been Role playing with other Characters for the purpose of moving myself into emotions and feelings so I would get to feel Alive, it didn't matter on which end of the spectrum of Good or Bad as long as the Intensity as an energetic Charge was there for me to feed on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the memory of the first time I realized my  mother's reactions were dependent on me and what I did and how I behaved, which was the first time she shouted at me exiting primary school for having been told that I 'could have done more, that I was so clever but never applying myself fully' and so I connected my not applying myself fully to a display of interest in another for me, which even if it took the form of anger and shouting was better than not being noticed or validated and confirmed that I in fact existed and was alive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this memory of my mum shouting at me for the first time, in public, outside school, in a place where I could be exposed for not having been good and having pleased my mother with all the sacrifices she did to send me to a private Catholic school, that sent me into fear and shame and a feeling of a cracking inside as if I split into two, was a Reaction that connected with that moment imprinted a memory on which I built a whole Character as the 'One that makes people suffer', even though I did not believe this to be true but I then embodied this character because together with the shame and the guilt and the fear, I felt energy moving and I felt alive and I held on to this desire for aliveness however and wherever I could get it, no matter how upset I would have to get others to get an intense energy feedback and re-experience the aliveness of fear and guilt and shame at the maximum voltage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to that one moment in my Life, failing to realize that I had just imprinted myself with a memory of a moment during which I had not been an effective solution or stood One and Equal to myself as my physical body to see and understand what was going on within me, instead I sought to suppress this experience due to the guilt and the shame and the fear I felt and believed to be me as who I really Am and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect that one moment to fear and shame and guilt and for believing those emotions to be who I really Am, instead of realizing it was just a movement of energy and I am not defined by Energy or Energy movements unless I accept and allow myself to define myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace sentences like 'hurt people hurt people' or 'who has been damaged is dangerous because they know they can survive' as reminders and re-inforcers of that one memory of a moment in which I perceived myself as having been hurt and damaged by my mother through the emotions I felt and believed were caused by her, not seeing and realizing I was the one creating those emotions inside of me out of the fear of NOT having pleased by mother and that now I was in danger for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not pleasing my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop subCharacters of this one Main Character that expressed in demonic writings, on which I unleashed all my suppressed emotions and blamed them on others, making them responsible for how I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself within my own self created reactions, and for spending a lot of time apologizing afterward, seeking the for-giveness of others for my thoughts/Words and deeds, hoping to be Graced because I had Graced them many times when I had not leashed out on them and made them responsible before that one moment for 'everything they put me through' and I had the right to be for-given for this one time in which I lost it and went Postal on them, yet what I always sought was my own Self-Forgiveness which I would not grant to myself because I judged my thoughts, words and deeds as unforgivable once the demonic rush was over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for ways to make myself right and justify why I was entitled to my own demonic possession which I believed and percieved were caused by imaginary harms that 'others put me through', failing to see I could never for-give myself what I would not own and take responsibility for because if I was NOT responsible I could not be for-given

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I craved and desired the for-giveness of others after I acted out this demonic energy possession and failed to see that I always desired and craved my own self forgiveness and my own standing as the Self Correction to make sure I would not give in to demonic possession ever again, no matter how righteous and Alive they made me feel while I allowed myself to be possessed and within this I FORGIVE MYSELF for who I have been as an Evil Character within the Play of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear for my own Survival and for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in a world where the survival of All is not Equally guaranteed but always dependent on 'something' external such as parents first and then a job and relationships, failing to see that such a set up would be a guarantee that all of us/me would have to compromise ourselves/me as Life to make sure we/me could reduce our Fears of survival to a minimum while trampling others on our way to safety, no matter what it took

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hold on to this Character as a form of self punishment that displays that I am Noble at heart because I can see my faults and won't dismiss them so easily, and within this create a Character that is judgmental and not forgiving of myself and others because I keep tabs of what goes on, of my expression and that of others, trying to keep the books squared and when always failing short, making up stories about why and how I came to lie and compromise myself and others so I could sustain the existence of some of my Characters while embodying others as cover ups of righteousness which were not real as much as the faulty ones were not ever Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to this Character of 'having been harmed and damaged' as an excuse and justification about why I harmed and damaged others', failing to see that there were no others but Me, harming and damaging me in senseless loops of stupidity that I kept in place so as to never uncover the truth that none of my Characters were real but that in the process of creating Characters I perceived I had lost my self so much as I had con-vinced everyone including me that I was in fact those Characters and now I did not know how to go back to Authenticity or what it even meant as I had forgot to remember that there was nothing TO DO to become Authentic, or I would create another Character who was 'Authentic' in separation from myself, but to bring myself back Here in and as Breath, where I do not have to remember how to be Life because Life is Here and has always been Here while I was the one busying myself somewhere else within my Characters Creation

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the 'I harm people' Character or the precursor which is 'I have been harmed/damaged', I stop, breathe, remind myself I am none of these Characters as they live off memories and as such they are not Life, I bring myself back Here through breathing and stop my participation in and as a Character and Character Creation

I commit myself to become aware of all the Characters I embody so I may STOP the existence of me as a Character, becoming the Care taker of myself until I stop the existence of me as madness and delusions and nothing of what I have created that is not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is best for ALL exists anymore but Life as Breath Here, One and Equal for All

Day 79: "Fuck It' Self Forgiveness Statements

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a Character whose password is 'Fuck it' to underline that nothing that comes after " Fuck It" should be anything for which I should concerned myself or be responsible for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and BeLieve that 'You Only live Once' as a way to justify why 'Fuck It' should be the next thing I say and then get on board 'Fuck It' for the next senseless ride

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I 'Might just as well" enter the "Fuck It" Character because I have accepted and allowed myself to embody Hopelessness and Uselessness and from there I might just as well follow up with a Useless, Hopeless Character such as 'Fuck It'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are who I have been and who I am within my interpretation of 'Fuck it' and just before entering the 'Fuck It' character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned regarding the perceived judgements of others that I then would fear and lie about saying 'Who Cares' and from the friction between my feelings of Fear and my desired suppression an opportunity to board 'Fuck It' opens up, instead of seeing and realizing it is always me judging myself and as I have started the judgements within my 'Judge' character I can stop them stepping out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe and speak 'enough is enough' and within this meaning to Blame on others and external circumstances my own experience of myself and within this Blame feel the entitlement of boarding and embodying 'Fuck It' as a way to get even with the ones who  I perceived have pushed the 'enough' line without seeing and realizing there is only me doing the job in my own Mind and having all of the responsibility for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'sometimes you have just got to ........" in which the blanks are usually filled with something damaging or toxic that I do to myself stepping into my 'Fuck it' Character, because within this sentence what I am actually stating is that I have no power to actually NOT do 'that thing I do' which is entering and embodying 'Fuck It' and the string of consequences I will create for myself and others because 'I have just go to'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold Mary Poppins as a role model of everything I wished to have had in my Life, a flying nanny who would take care of me and my emotional needs, showing my parents that it was time for them to learn how to fly kytes with me and not be so concerned with working all the time leaving me behind and not even providing the perfect nanny that would look after me and take me to walk on the smoke of Chimneys into magical sunsets, justifying that I had it harder that the Banks family and their loving nanny and I was thus justifyed to say 'Fuck it' once in a while and claim back my fun, never realizing the fun I was after was system fun, in which something had to be bought for me to have the experience I was seeking as in booze or dope or shopping or sex, which was a form of shopping that I paid for with myself as energy as the price/prize for that moment of experience that I would then call and define as a Life worth living, implying that I am just worthy when I am Energy and the ups and downs of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe 'that a spoonful of sugar makes anything go down' and for then substituting the sugar with anything that seemed whatever I was trying to push down to infact go down, deeper into my Flesh, so that I would not notice that I was infact making myself one and equal to everything I have used a spoonful of sugar to not face and address, sweetening the truth of who and what I believe myself to be, which was How I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use Sugar as a way to sweeten a Life I perceived and labeled as Bitter, for which I saw no sense at All but to look for those spoonfuls of sugar here and there to make what I perceived and believed Life to be, bearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and label Life as unbearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love Walt Disney and everything he did to make us dream and remove us from this reality of suffering and horrors, until I went on a rampage of digging for the truth of everything and discovered he molested children and had set up a space under Disney world where children were trained to become sex slaves while his fantasy world was becoming more and more Sexualized, failing to see Disney was the ultimate reality check for landing as that reality of fantasy could not be above and beyond the reality of ourselves which we are walking as manifested consequences of our desire for More than me and desire for More than Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the justification of the Demonic nature of this world as an excuse for my 'FuckItAll' embodiment, because suddenly everything seemed just too big, the Demons had taken over even Disney and what's next then, instead of seeing I am the Demon of my own existence and we should have seen it coming because we could not have the Angels without the Demons and that realizing the nature of Polarity of Reality did not need a "FuckItAll' Character, because that had already taken place and brought us Here, but the opposite, a movement into Self Responsibility to stop any and every participation in and as The Mind in which everything has become justifyed in our insane search for the next energy surge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything is Energy and the physical is transient and so 'Fuck It' could coexist within this belief, because one day I will leave the body I have been abusing behind and move to Higher Planes, free from the limitations of the Physical, failing to see that as in the Physical wherever I went I would take the whole of me with it and having equated myself to Abuse that would not make for a pretty follow up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within the 'Fuck It' personality/Character, thinking and believing I had the right to abuse myself as I was not damaging anyone else but me, failing to see that whatever I did to me I did to the Whole, as Oneness and Equality exists in the Physical and can be seen all around and that me stopping my existence as Self Abuse as 'Fuck It' is an act of sanity that stops my participation within and as the insanity that I/We have become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that when I access sadness, I am in Character as the 'Sadness/Sad' character and that I usually move into sadness as a way to justify my next move which can be 'Fuck It' because now I am sad and I will do anything on my swing of emotions and feelings to just move on the higher scale from the low end that is sadness in which I myself have put myself as a form of self manipulation to lay the ground to justify why I need that something that I want, to move myself out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and see 'Fuck It' as a reward Character, failing to see that Re-Warding is what it is, it's putting myself back into the Insanity Ward from which I will have to pick myself up yet again when I am done swinging and have done enough damage/self abuse to see that I cannot go on 'that way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use joy/ happiness as a way to access 'Fuck It' because I have been sooo good that now I am happy/joyful and from there to 'Fuck It' the step is short and sweet as I claim my Re-Ward for a job well done, that of securing an energy high for myself against al odds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'Fuck it' as a way to get over my anxiety issues, failing to see there was only me in my Mind that could put myself into a state of anxiety and I can stop as I have started it, by Breathing and investigating what is going on within me that I can address to correct my participation in and as the Mind that generates feelings of anxiety, instead of boarding the 'Merry-go'Round' of 'Fuck It' because there is Merry there but there is 'Go ROUND' as well as I always land where I started or lower and 'Fuck It' has proved to NOT be able to address or resolve any issue in my Life so far

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and recognize Fear for what it is, which is a make belief emotion that I myself generate when I set for myself expectations that I do not meet or project myself into a possible future of doom and gloom, such as I am doing at the moment with my job point, which is self created and can be corrected if I keep applying myself, writing out what is it that bothers me so I can consistently stop my back chats and bring myself back Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Fear is Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'long for something' and for trying and attempting to suppress all my longings, hoping they would go away, so I do not have to look at what it is that I long for and why and remind myself I am longing for Myself Here, instead by suppressing I make the longing grow fonder and stronger and then in a disappearing act I don't remember what is it that I am longing for and I leave myself with an unidentified longing for "something" and then I access 'Fuck It' so the longing stops as I dumb/numb myself down until the next awakening into the damages and consequences of having, once again. boarded 'Fuck It' into my trip to nothingness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Uselessness and Hopelessness are real, which they cannot be, because Hopelessness is the lack of Hope, which is a Make-belief Construct, that I can suffer only if I have invested and valued Hope as something that is useful and could ultimately rescue me from myself, which is NOT, and Uselessness is just another make Belief, a state I access when I have not usefully managed to get what I wanted which I myself had a script for that I had not disclosed to myself as secrets are my way to keep it all Mysterious and Interesting, instead of stopping All and every Bullshit I create for myself in terms of desires and expectations and just bring myself back Here consistently to address myself and my Creation back into correction and alignment to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my own 'sense of defeat' because to be defeated I must have set myself up against something, which at best is against myself, instead of stopping all 'against' so that defeat can not take place as I equalize myself to everyone and existence, for myself as Life and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I do has to be rewarded, because I have embraced the Reward system of consumerism, in which if I study what they want to teach me I get rewarded with 'good' grades, and if I work and accept the system as it is I get rewarded with Money, and if I accept my role as a woman and keep my place I get rewarded with a relationship and so I believe that everything I do has to be followed by a Reward in the form of an experience of 'Feeling Good' about myself and who I am within what I have done and when the reward of feeling Good doesn't come, since I myself have decided I am entitled to it, I will seek for my own Reward and get on with the 'FuckItAll' Character, that always Re-Wards me into Feeling Good about myself through whatever it is I have filed as 'rewards' that can be Food, drinking, smoking Pot or having Sex, or all of the above, failing to see I am just abusing myself within the Belief that I am infact Not Enough unless I validate myself and my existence through an experience of Energy I have come to accept and allow myself to believe to be Who I Am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce and diminish myself to an experience of Energy, Seeking for the More of Me and the More of Here, creating this world within the starting point of Separation and the longing for the Moreness of Me and the Moreness of here, failing to see I was always Here as All There Is and there is in fact nothing More I can be or make of myself but lessen myself and diminish myself within the belief that the All/Whole of ME was in fact Not Enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was/I am NOT Enough and for seeking the experience of More, which led to where we are today, within the Moreness of Nothing, because as I sought the Moreness of Me I became a Character longing and seeking for More and from that Character separated from Me as the Whole and All There Is, I created other Characters who themselves were flawed with the Not Enough/Seeking for More that we translated into Sex and Money and a System of looking and longing for Moreness, from which we have to wake up and Claim our Wholeness of Self as Here, stopping the looking and longing of ourselves as Characters within a make belief reality of Energy to come Home to Self Here as All/Whole that Exists

When and as I see myself stepping into one of the con-ditions I have described as my excuse to activate me as 'Fuck It', I stop, Breathe, remind myself that any con-dition is Self Created and I can Stop It and do not allow myself to walk into and as 'Fuck It' reminding myself nothing of value has ever come from me embodying this Character for myself or others Equal and One, and apply Breathe to stabilize myself out of the CON to not give in to 'Fuck It'

I commit myself to walk myself out of 'Fuck It' consistently, to bring myself back Here using The 4 counts Breath when and as I see myself walking into the possibility and set ups that lead me automatically into 'Fuck It' and to stop my existence as a reactive robot that creates automatic stances I can step into as a way to not take responsibility for myself and my thoughts, words and deeds, but to become a Self Responsible Human Being that cares for myself and others as Life, for myself and All of Existence Equal and One.

Day 78: 'Fuck it', My favourite Character

It's been a bit challenging to contain the outflow of the new thoughts regarding this 'Character' perspective, it seems a bit daunting as well having to face all of the thoughts as Characters.

But then I saw that we have been given a lead with the Character perspective, a way to use Characters to pull together thoughts  under specific Character Umbrella, as Characters are the Corporations managing our Relationships and resources as Energy.

Some of this work was outlined a long time ago by Assagioli, an Italian M.D. who wrote the Theory of Psychosynthesis and of the Subpersonalities/Characters.
At the time no one had a fleeting clue about how it would be possible to delete subpersonalities/Characters, so Dr. Assaggioli offered 'Character management' Theories, designed to establish how much 'Air Time' should each Character/Personality get during the day and when, as to not mine the smooth flow of an apparently normal life.

Of course this was impossible, no matter how much one committed to become a good Orchestra Director and manage all of the instruments toward a symphony, some players would just step out of line,  sing out of tune in and at their own leisure and just do their own little number when least expected.

Assaggioli tried to get the Soul to step in for help, which did not work either as the Soul, like all the rest, was ultimately unreliable, the Origin was unreliable, the Director/Soul was ultimately just another Character.

What has been created by unreliability could never turn into something reliable, not in a million years (oh wait, we have actually PROVEN this point, since we kept coming back again and again and we have not become any better at managing ourselves and our own Corporations as Characters/Personalities), in fact if there was space for it, we have proven that the fuck ups can be endless and the looping in circles can take unexpected twists and turns and ultimately deliver us back where we started, to ourselves as the Characters we kept hoping we could fool and move away from, once we decided we no longer liked one 'of us' or agreed with one of us/Me but no matter how far we went, everything and everyone came along, it's surprising how can we ever feel lonely given the Psychotic brigade we carry along, and maybe we would stop feeling Alone if we stood Here and took a good look at how many of Us, how many Mes are always really around.

The reason why I had a bit of excitement about this Character perspective is because I like organizing, one of my favorite things, I like filing as well, so now is to apply the opposite of filing, it is to pick up a label, a definition of myself, that can even be a thought and look underneath what is there, what keeps this thought, personality alive, where did it start, it's possible that if I get the label right, everything will be filed under it, linked to it, connected through threads of relationships of memories, emotions and feelings and I can use my own filing system to undo myselves, isn't what the Mind is after all, an organizing ensemble of thoughts, emotions and feelings that we call experiences and then we define the experiences and they became 'Our Life' and Who We are, until we stop it, stop the Illusion of Separation and the desire to be More within the search for the More of me and the More than Here, and just see, We were always Here from the very beginning, until and unless we were not.

So, I want to start this deconstructing exercise with 'Fuck it', I don't have a specific name for this Character of Mine but this would be the sentence that defines it the most.

Of the many characters of mine this is one of the Most devastating, it is the one the leads the dance to the Rock Bottoms of My Life, the Pied Piper that has defined Life specifically as the Desire for More of something, anything, as long as it's toxic, numbing, exciting or destructive.

The origin of this character is in my perception of uselessness and defeat, whenever I have faced one of these 2 points in my Life 'Fuck it' steps in and takes over with my blessing and permission.

'Fuck it' is Fearless, never wonders or evaluates consequences be them on my physical body or on my mental balance, 'Fuck It' likes it hard, 'Life' to the fullest, the extra drink, the most damaging Spirit, the joint that will make me faint, the sex that won't allow me to sit straight for a couple of days, 'Fuck it' is Brave and careless, when Fuck it steps in sadness goes out of the window, it's the stepping onto the roller coaster for that extra kick, the careless life, the breeze in the hair.

I don't have one good memory of Life after ''Fuck it', today as I was looking at this point I saw that Characters exist in duality as well, 'Fuck' it has an antagonist, it's 'That's It'.

'That's It' steps in after the ravaging of 'Fuck It' is over, to pick up the pieces, 'That's It' takes me out of the rock bottoms of my life, it's a responsible Character, not self responsible, there is no Self in any of the two, One is the Law Breaker, One is the Re-Aligner, both have the system as a guideline, I am nowhere to be seen whenever One of the two is active I am just not Here and mostly not even breathing in and as awareness.

'Fuck it' has had a lot of Air Time in my Life and is a Character I have treasured, the Happy-go-Lucky (to nowhere), the uplifter (from imaginary downs) and generally my Alter Ego, the One that I could always walk after and apologize for, because I was just too ..... whatever to be self responsible for my thoughts, words and deeds, it seems like a Shame to let it go, how will I hide my lack of self responsibility when 'Fuck it' won't be around anymore ?

Today 'Fuck It' showed up for some Air Time, I gave in, together we went on a carbo break and topped it with an ice cream, none of these foods is supportive to me as the physical especially in this moment, it's time to say goodbye and let this Character go, it's an abusive relationship turned sour.

'Fuck It'.

Thoughts connected to this Character

You only live Once

Might just as well

Who cares

Enough is enough

Sometimes you have just go to....

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down (Mary Poppins)

Forget about it

Moving on

Feelings and Emotions

Sadness, Joy, Anxiety, Longing for something, Fear

Identified Circumstances for activation

Sense of Defeat, Desire for a Reward not received, Perception of Uselessness/Hopelessness

Will write out the relative Self Forgiveness Tomorrow on the points I have exposed to myself.

Day 77: I am a Real Character...

This point that everything we do within and as The Mind is a character that we have created and is supported through memories to which thoughts that feed it are connected to, took a new twist yesterday while reading Creation's Blog plus all the other Blogs relative to this topic from the Journey to Life, including Earth's Journey to Life and Heaven's Journey to Life, Looking for More of Myself, which were all positively Mind Blowing.

Because then a few questions came up such as 'who is doing the Self Forgiveness then, me or a character, and how can it not be a character if I do not even exist yet outside of a character play?' Which is just the question of a character, of one of my 'not so bright characters' because when I am Here I don't have questions as silly as this to ask myself because I am Here and not lost Up There into a character that asks questions about what characters do pretending to not be a character.

I saw as well that The point of Wanting What is Best for All, is in character with a new character that I have created, it's the follow up to the 'I want to be a Good person' character, the natural evolution where I took, being Good and doing Good to a whole new level.

So how do we discover WHO we ARE outside of our character Play ?

We stop, we realize that when we Think about something or Feel something we can only do so based on our Life of Stored and Filed Memory Experiences, in which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to define us and believe that THAT is what it means to be alive, to have lived, because we set up this world  just for that, we keep moving throughout our Lives, taking snapshots of moments that are charged (by us) and then use them to mold who we are or who we believe we are supposed to be according to the huge pile of acquired memories/information that are alive with emotions and feelings we filed with them, and slowly but surely each definition we have for ourselves becomes a cage, a place in which we enclose ourselves and then play from that position that we have ourselves accepted and stated that we hold, and then go out and fight others who are playing the same game but within an opposing character, when in fact all that exist and has ever existed  is Me, was always ME but I believed I was not enough and multiplied myself into an ever increasing number of copies, having never corrected the starting point of not being enough of searching for More of myself and More of Here, resulting in what we have created the Moreness of Nothingness, because none of it is in fact Real, because a character that creates characters is still only a character and at best can create a Stage and the mockery of Life, but never Life itself.

Yet for a moment I have been con-fused, if I am none of these characters, why don't I just stop feeding them all  and step out of character to be Here ?

Are we using self forgiveness to fool ourselves out of characters or are we using self forgiveness to delete the energy play that we created to feed ours and others characters (oops there are no others, that is the misleading belief of many of my characters) while we were in character that the characters took on a life of their own and now they are driving us ?

But guess what dear, if you are thinking about these questions, you are creating an inquisitive character searching for explanations about how did all of this happened, yet you are not STOPPING yourself yet.

SO, exercise for today, stay in Breath and watch, be Here as to not create or feed new characters and stories, apply self forgiveness to STOP the existing ones and Step out of Character, out of All Characters, even the one that wants to do what is Best for All, it's just a character that one too, because doing What is Best for All is being Here and not off into designing and feeding a Character that wants to do What is best for All as thinking about doing What is best for All puts me in character, there is only Here in and as Breath where character feeding and building is NOT taking place, so time to walk the stopping of the memories that are keeping this insane game alive, it's not Funny anymore and is causing a lot of suffering to those that have not managed to design for themselves a character that gets fed and clothed because in our desire for More some parts of ME got cut out of the system of support and are being starved out of the Game.
So it's no longer Time to design a character that takes care of All Equally but Time to stop and Be Here as Life where taking care of Me as One and Equal is just what I would do without thinking about it or thinking about how would I go about it.
From next blogs dismantling the characters I have embodied that are Not real so I can backtrack what was the point that generated them to let it go through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One.

Day 76: Duped by my Desire to be Good

Last night I was reading One of the Journey to Life Blogs, and in the specific one titled "Fooled by morals - A Case of Religion", and saw and realized how much that Blog applied to me and my 'moralistic approach to Life'.

My Life has never been based on doing What is Best for All, I just found ways that were acceptable to me according to my own judgements of What is Good and What is Bad, to get what I wanted for myself in absolute Self Interest.

Even wanting 'World Peace' which is universally considered Good can be an act of Self Interest, in which I desire World Peace so I can stop feeling BAD about not having World Peace, but in truth I could not care less that people were at each other's throaths exept that it's bad for my Mood having to watch it happening.

So I want to see in writing Who I am within this Desire to Be Good and how I defined being Good and doing Good, while I accepted and allowed a World of Utter Abuse, in which my Being Good was just another Self Serving Tool, serving me the Right to Abuse in ways that were acceptable and not threathening to my IMage of Goodness among those I knew and inside myself.

Being Good:
- definitions from childhood that I accepted and allowed-

Do not throw tantrums or be moody

Do not masturbate

Give donations to the Poor

Do not gossip, if you do deny it, if you are caught make up stories about it to justify it

Do not lie

When I go through this list I see nothing of value in terms of doing What is Really Best for All but just a list of dos and don't that are actually beneficial to the system and the people who have taught me these things, as they would keep me in line with the belief that I was good and there was nothing more I could do about it, I was just asked to comply to these simple requests and get on with Life, so let's deconstruct my 'Idea of being Good' through Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it made sense to teach kids what is good/right from what is bad/wrong' because kids know nothing and they would not be able to tell the difference between abusing themselves and another and not abusing themselves and another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that throwing tantrums and being moody is bad and that I have to suppress my tantrums and moodiness to be acceptable, instead of investigating why I have moved into an energetic build up and address it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that parents know best, when I lived the evidence that one thing my mum did not know was what was good for her and what it was not, including the relationship with my grandparents, yet I accepted and believed she could teach me what she herself did not know and could not see and realize in her own life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that morality made sense as a guidance system, accepting and allowing within this the belief that we as humans need guidance or 'God knows what we would do', and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the nature of humans is naturally evil and cannot be changed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good/right to please my mother and family and show them that I got the teachings and was living by them, even though I mostly made up stories about me tooeing the line while in secret I lived the life I wanted feeling bad and wrong for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be good means to not masturbate, because then everytime I did masturbate I felt bad/wrong and had to keep it hidden and suppressed in and within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what made my parents/family uncomfortable was bad/wrong instead of seeing they were superimposing on me their own limitations of right and wrong until I made them mine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that giving donations to the Poor was something Good and within this accepting the existence of Poor as the Way Things are and my inability to change the world and the system as me because within the Belief of 'having to give to the Poor', I made the Poor a reality to satisfy my need and desire to give to feel good about myself and Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied with the answer 'there have always been Poor people and always there will be' even though it made no sense that we would throw away food and skim the ham from its fat while someone went with nothing and hungry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a world where there are Poor as The Way Things Are and in which noone asks, but why are Things the Way they Are' because no one has an answer to this specific question

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good about giving to the Poor my change that would make no difference to me if I had it in my pocket or not, while accepting and allowng myself to believe that I had satisifed what was required of me by complying to the Program "give to the Poor/less Fortunate' to Be Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the existence of a benevolent God who was obviously a gambler that placed people in more or less fortunate positions within the World System, without asking myself how could there be benevolence in a world where some were Less Fortunate than others and satisfying myself with bullshit like 'God moves in mysterious ways or God has a plan'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that if God's plan did not include the well being of All Equally it was NOT a good plan, whatever his reasons and that I should have questioned the nature of this creation and how we had come to live in such a world of violence and abuse within an imaginary benevolence of God and of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because there was a large number of people believing in God and his plan, then it must be true, failing to see that it did not mater how many people did believe and accept the existence of a God with a Plan, the fact that the 'Plan' was here for everyone to see and it was NOT a Good Plan that included the Equal Well being of All did not make the belief of the Many more real or valid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Gossip is bad unless you deny doing it or make up stories about why you are doing it as I saw everyone behave around me in my family and then it's acceptable, so instead of seeing Gossip for the detrimental point that it is because the Other is me and I cannot have what I don't give such as Respect and Consideration for another being, I just became skilled in the cover up and the story tellings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Gossip about others with the purpose of making myself more when I entered the construct of Inferiority and Superiority instead of seeing and realizing that I was the one moving into the need and desire to belittle others to make myself feel better and not that there was something worthy 'to gossip about'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to lie is bad when in fact I was lied all the time by the people that raised me starting from Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy all the way to how they felt about their lives and what was really going on with them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define to lie  as BAD, because they told me not to, just because they wanted as parents and educator that advantage of knowing what I was up to while they did not need to tell me or let me know what they were up to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my lying as in everybody is doing it, instead of seeing that there is no moral compass but my own and that I could have seen by myself the starting point of my reasons for lying and what they were about and I can see now that some lies can be told with the starting point of What is best for All unless I have a morality point standing in the way of using whatever is Here to get to where I need to get to become effective in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my actions according to an imaginary morality compass that I myself defined and that only commanded that if I did not stick to it I should feel bad about myself and when I stuck to it I could feel good about myself, failing to see I have even used morality as a point of self interest with which I could reward myself while I could keep on not caring about the world as me that was rotting away under my very eyes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others using a make belief morality compass, failing to see that there is no morality in a world where there is no equality and we better become as ruthless as the system that we judged as ruthless and from which we separated from in fear of being eaten and swallowed up, if we have to become effective in becoming this change that the world needs, as we won't get there by being ''good and nice' applying morality in a world of abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to petrify myself into a position in which I perceive myself I cannot move, because I have been ruthless for self interest and then judged myself harshly for it when I met Desteni and I have not yet seen how to apply my ruthlessness to What is Best for All and so I have frozen myself into a CAN'T Do position, waiting and hoping for inspiration to come to me to show me the way, failing to realize that I am still stuck in the Savious construct, hoping that someone will take this responsibility from my hands and tell me what to do, instead of seeing that becoming self responsible means to assess all situations, look for the Equality Equation in which I consider everyone Equally as much as I can at this stage of my process and then move myself without regrets or fear, having seen and realized that my involvement as a Money making machine is required to contribute to this project and that I no longer wish to postpone my participation to make money for myself and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the words 'Father take away from me this chalice' as in the Hope that when I find myself in a dire situation, by my own definition, a rescue team will magically appear and sort me out, instead of seeing it is required of me to stand, sort myself out and get moving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own make belief Morality Code and the Judgement of myself if I should step out of the line of what I myself have considered Good and Bad, instead of seeing any point that comes up within the Good and Bad construct as an opportunity for me to redefine and expand beyond Good and Bad into Equality and Oneness and What is best for All

..just read today's Creation's Blog, does the Desire to Be Good belong to a Character ?
To be continued