I am still looking at the point of relationships, what they meant in my life and how I ended up building up very (ineffective) protection walls and pre-eventive resentment towards men who enter my life.
When I looked at this point in my life, my grandfather popped up, how his focus for me was on 'getting a good man' and most advises of him revolved around this point, yes studying was important, the job was important but the real juicy part of my life would be 'a man', so on one side I had grandfather who was all 'go for it' and my grandmother who was all 'check what you can get out of it' which could sum up my stance with men in a quite schizophrenic one, the wanting and then the resentment because it seems there is never 'enough for me' in a relationship.
In time of course as these 2 urges added up what was left of my relationship with men was a desire to dominate to make sure I don't get sucked into the first part of the equation making them all important and then the desire to get rid of them when the first part failed and I blame them for 'having tampered with my life AGAIN with little or nothing in return'.
My ex boyfriend came around a couple of nights ago and as he talked, calmly, centered about relationships in general I realized that I lived all my relationships as doomed from the start and in the process worked hard to accelerate the ending so I can get over the pull and push I feel within myself and return to 'my life'.
The point of living for 'the ending' is very strong within myself and manifests in different ways, even living is something I do for the ending, I yearned for the ending as a teenager, married my mind into beliefs that 'you pay death with life' and made anything that doesn't end properly a problem, even movies, nothing could be more disappointing that a movie that ends with 'we'll deal with it tomorrow', because that's not an ending, that's an half ass ending.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to carry within me my grandfather and grandmother as a model of living because I associated their being 'succesful' with money and having a nice house and comfortable living as knowledge about 'how to live' and imprinted myself with all sorts of beliefs that revolved around relationships and how to have a successful one, up-holding teachings coming from people who didn't have a successful relationship themselves but one made of make beliefs, lies and suppression
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that for a relationship to work which I measure in 'time' units I have to work on make beliefs, lies and suppression and within this process for going the opposite way, bringing out in the open what was going on in my mind without first taking responsibility for it and not working to blame another for how 'I felt' or how 'I perceived myself' and within this for blaming another for how I experienced myself instead of stopping, breathing, taking time to assess what was happening within me and commit to not speak until I was clear of any reaction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a relationship is not 'the cherry on a cake' but the cake itself, accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing else of value in life but a good relationship and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that, if there is nothing else of value, that includes me and it is not possible to have a good relationship unless the two parties value themselves and the relationship equally and not one or the other more
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes into my life, resent him already at the thought of how this will screw with my life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was never a man screwing with my life but myself by going into my mind in all sorts of memories, projections, emotions and feelings until I felt overwhelmed and made the man the cause and object of my frustration because 'I did not feel that way' or 'was not that way' before he came around so it must be his fault
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I connected men and problems in my life was not because they brought the problems in my life but because when a man came around I activated everything that already existed in me in relationship to men which is distrust, a sense of oppression and a desire to move swiftly to the end so we can spare each other some of the most unpleasant passages to get there
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value 'the ending' more than the journey, making my life unnecessarily hard by devaluing walking through it, the process of building myself and within this for believing that Life is hard and unfulfilling which is why we have to pay death with Life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe Death/The ending of something must be payed for with some token like struggle, identifying in death, the end of something a moment of relief instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my perception that endings were bringing 'relief' to myself as my mind because I removed myself from the active triggering of things that were existent within me and within this for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was the problem and the solution to my instability and perceived struggles
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the sense of oppression I felt every time a man was around was determined by how my mind would become activated with personalities, past experiences and memories that I then projected on the man at hand to make him the cause and within this for making myself unable to see that a man would come and bring an opportunity for self awareness to me about what I need to correct, let go and rewrite about myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when my ex boyfriend came around and he gave such a great -full of common sense speech to immediately feel a sense of loss and think 'I cannot reverse this, I have already told my mum it's over' which then skyrocketed inside of me in a sense of wanting to blame my mother for how much I still care about what she thinks and if she approves about my life or not and within this for feeling appalled at myself that I would even have such a thought at my age
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that taking my mother as the point of blame for me wanting her approval is the same as taking the men in my life and wanting to blame them for how I feel about myself when I am in a relationship and within this for wanting to resist my own responsibility to myself about my choices, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions because it just seems too much to deal with and within this for giving up my power to change and release myself from my past once and for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have used my mother and the men in my life to project on them the cause of my internal experiences instead of seeing where I was with clarity and make the necessary corrections as I go
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest with myself about my relationships and for having put myself through the 'I don't care, I didn't care' frame of mind to show myself that I didn't lose anything of importance, that there was no damage done for real because I didn't care in the first place, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I do care, I did care and that I have done damage with my words, thoughts and deeds and within this I forgive myself for acting in an inconsiderate way toward another in a relationship, be it intimate or otherwise
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a man comes along in my life, to allow myself to be fully absorbed by thoughts, ideas and plans of what we could do together, how much fun we could have and within this for accepting and allowing myself to push myself off my point of balance, my hard worked for stability just to follow a dream, an idea, my imagination, until I lose myself into the 'what it could be' vs working for what it can be as am consistent application of myself in the physical
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the underlying resentment I feel for men that I would potentially enjoy spending time with is the hidden blame of what I am preparing to blame them (and then resent them for 'putting me in the situation of having to blame them'!) for in the future while I think, speak and act irresponsibly following ideas, memories and past programming about relationships with men and their outcome and within this for blaming others in advance for what I will think, say and do in relationship to them as time goes by instead of stopping supporting myself with breathing and correcting myself as things come up
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only two ways to have a relationship, either full on or full off and for not seeing realizing and understanding that the only reason why I have never considered what is best for all is because this point is not present in my programming and I will have to create it as myself using the tools of self forgiveness to let the past go and self corrective application to rewrite who I want to be in a relationship/agreement next time around
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when one of my buddies said 'You must dominate the relationship not let the man do that' to have a reaction and think 'I have always done that' without seeing, realizing and understanding that this was not what that sentence implied nor what I have done so far as so far I have tried to dominate men for my self interest and not to dominate as in its original meaning 'to master' the relationship for myself and what is best for all
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the point of relationships is one of my transcendence point and one that I have used as the mind to keep throwing myself off balance and that investing time in building myself up into the strong independent woman I can be is not required only if I have a relationship but on the contrary it is required because relationships have showed me that I can be thrown off by a man or a relationship easily, an indicator that my stance is not yet absolute and this is where I need to work on
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I committed to stand in process with one back door - relationships and that I have been using others as relationships to sway and prove to myself that I can go back to old patterns in one moment instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can delete this back door inside me, not to not allow myself to live a relationship/agreement but to not allow myself to be changed/defined by a man/relationship/agreement because I have worked diligently to define myself first and to walk the definitions of myself for myself and all of existence, equal and one
I commit myself to keep investigating this point within the realization that 'relationships with men' is one of my weaknesses I have not yet fully addressed
I commit myself to walking this process and keep recommitting myself no matter how hard I believe I have fallen out of it or what my mind tells me when I fall, about how much easier it would be to not stand up anymore
I commit myself to realize that this process is the most important thing I have ever done and I am doing for myself and all of existence Equal and One and to not let anything interfere with what I know I have to do to change myself -and the world as my reflection with me