Monday, June 10, 2013

Day 317: Intimate Relationship = My Cup Runneth over with Paranoia

Nothing in my life, apart from Money, has the ability to set me off on Paranoia trips like relationships. The 'Intimate' ones are the best, because in those I have conveyed the fears and the Paranoia of all those that came before me and wanted to stand as an example of what life should be about, a game of winning and losing where the Fear of losing stands as the engine that pushes one to want to win, to desire to win because the alternative is the loss of things that didn't have any value until someone said, implied or in other ways delivered the concept that they in fact mattered.

So, my relationships have been plagued by Paranoias of all sorts, the most relevant ones are:
fear of loss
fear of judgement
fear of being ridiculed
fear of what others may think about me/about the relationship
fear of expressing myself sexually
fear of talking about sex,
fear of having sex too soon, too late, in a too remissive way, in a too agressive way
fear that I may not even understand what expressing mySelf sexually means as I have internalized the sexual interpretation of others, from advertisement to movies, books, stories and now I am just a broken recorder, playing out what I believe to be my preferences when all the while I am living someone else's preferences and I have not even noticed
fear of sharing my fears
fear of loss of face, which is just the fear of losing ground, of not being able to uphold an image of myself, the one through which I entered the relationship
fear of losing out/missing out on the better chances to come
fear of commitment
fear of a relationship outside of a commitment
fear of not being able to understand what a commitment is and how I should evaluate if entering a relationship that seems best is just best for me and when extending this best to another, fear that I may not be considering if this is best in the long run for both, for all
fear of not even being able to consider another in my assesment, let alone the Whole
fear of being jailed into a commitment
fear that if I commit I can never move on with 'The One' when he will finally come
fear that if I commit I can no longer play the game of keeping some men on the backburner for when I decide to move onto them as a replacement
fear of being used
fear of using others
fear of consequences
fear of being pregnant
fear of being bored
fear of being boring
fear of being obnoxious, a drag, a party pooper
fear of not being attractive enough
fear of comparison with other women who are more atractive than me
fear of losing out on his interest, that he may be more interested/attracted to another woman
fear that he is not interested if he is not jealous
fear that I will keep playing the games I learnt that are about 'winning' because they make me feel good about myself
fear of playing out my relationships based on my fears
fear of unraveling all of my fears because then what is left is the self interest that motivates my moves to ensure that I win at all times
fear that if I do tackle the relationship point, then relationship will become MEAN-ing-Less and I won't know how to relate or move inside one without all my previously carefully crafted guidelines

from tomorrow I will look into each fear to find where they originated from and how I turned my life as relationship into a paranoia parade

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