A Director's Journey to Life: Day 398: Relationship Paranoia

Continuing to dissect the Spiteful Character following my previous posts on the topic

The Normalization of Spite and Malice

Developing a Spiteful Character - The Beginning - links at the bottom

For what concerns how I lived Spite within my intimate relationship I can see that it started with the education I received from my grandmother on the topic of 'Men' and specifically about how, since men are dumb and basically dick-driven, women should always have the upper hand either through manipulation or spite.

Spite was the 'when all else failed' tool that women should apply to basically manoeuvre men back to their place, which was next to them in a sort of submissive fear driven way.

Of course such education came with the specific points a woman should exert her spite through, such as jealousy, I definitely see jealousy was the number 1 tool my grandmother and her generation of apparently submissive women would use to square the books, it is quite sad to see how we developed beliefs about each others, gender wise and relationship in general and easy to see why and how for many years in my life I never felt honest within a relationship and ended up blaming that perceived dishonesty on my partners and then how I would feel entitled to spite them to prove they were in fact the dishonest ones from the start.

Of course we can call all of the above a form of paranoia, it all starts with recurring thoughts about something I blame on another for which I seek a sort of revenge or pay back so I can apparently 'stop feeling the way I feel or stop experiencing myself in a specific way' for which -apparently- another is responsible - hence how the delusion of 'getting even' is just in fact very odd, it never worked and never will, those layers infact just keep accumulating in other imaginary credits for which the paranoia and then blame and then spite build up, some silly games we have been playing out there, time to stop.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my grandmother teachings about life, men and relationship because they came from someone who would start the indoctrination session with the sentence 'you Know that I love you so much' and within this for failing to see that this is the passcode parents and relatives use to inhibit our firewalls and offload their crappy beliefs in a safe, unchecked and unprotected environment

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect the words 'I love you so much' to a way to enter the mind of another in a devious way where I could then try and have them believe that what I was about to say or do made sense because 'I loved them so much'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word 'love' as a pass into someone's mind where my real motives and drives would possibly go unnoticed, without seeing realizing and understanding that I was in the process of manipulating them for my own benefit and my own desired outcomes

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I did not get what I wanted, that I never asked for but tried to have through manipulation, to move into spite to get even at another for not delivering to me what I had originally set out to achieve without asking as to not create an open 'credit' if the other would concede to me what I really wanted and had asked for

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe I hated my ex husband because he could see through all my mind games but instead of approaching me with the pass code 'you know I love you so much' to set my mind at ease, he would spell it out clearly to me that he was seeing what I was up to and then once I felt caught I would deny and move into the spiteful character to prove that I was not at all plotting and planning behind his back and that was why I was now entitled to my little payback having been off-ended unjustly

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, instead of seeking solutions for my behavior, create stories and excuses about the other being wrong in the first place which would justify why I had a right to my spiteful stance and within this I forgive myself for not liking myself and separating myself into internal wars and conflicts about my behaviour that I wished to deny instead of taking responsibility for it and changing myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my behavior because I could not find effective tools to change without seeing realizing and understanding that I had missed out on the point that we play out the faulty character-istics we take on from our family and environment without questioning their validity and for not seeing realizing and understanding that we are copycatting each other in endless cycles of abusive behaviors because we have not found ways to correct ourselves yet

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a spiteful comment or moment comes up in my mind within my current relationship, to brush it off and tell myself I have changed because I don't act on it, mostly, anymore, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that the popping up of those spiteful moments underlines that I have lived spite as who I am and I have to take back those moments and correct them to sort out the origin point of spite so that I can stand one and equal inside and out and no longer participate in spite as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use spiteful words and stances in my intimate relationships with the aim of diminishing another in my mind to prove that I was right from the get go and I had nothing to do with the devious behavior that some of them might suggest I was busy with and for using spite as the ultimate proof that I was in fact innocent -or I would not become spiteful as a consequence of what someone falsely said to me about me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify spite as 'so they would know what they put me through' instead of seeing realizing and understanding that no one has ever put me through anything because no one can make me feel or think something without my active participation or acceptance and allowance and that the lame excuse of having others 'feel what I felt' was never valid nor real but just an excuse to move into spite and feel righteous about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe my parents and relatives when they were spiteful to me and their excuse of why they were being spiteful as in a lesson they were trying to teach me instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no way anyone can learn anything through spite and that the 'teaching a lesson' is just another name for spite once it's charged with a spiteful stance and hence spite was always a tool that we have used to abuse ourselves and others no matter what label to justify it we placed on it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that through spite I have diminished myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my substance in spite as an attempt to not take responsibility for what was going on within me for which nobody was ever responsible but myself and for which I alone held the keys to change once I could take responsibility for it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use jealousy to spite a man within a relationship, trying to make them feel jealous because my grandmother had said that if a man really loves you he will become jealous instead of seeing realizing and understanding that women in my society used jealousy to spite their men having understood that jealousy is a mind construct they could play to make another fearful and unsafe and within this for having desired to make a man fearful and unbalanced in spite of the fact that,once a man was fearful and unbalanced I would no longer see him as a man and would desire to trash him for good for his apparent weakness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that by playing the spiteful character within my intimate relationships I have always and only spited myself and that if I want all abuse to end in this world, the point of spite and self spite must be corrected within me for good until I can stand stable and see clearly that I no longer participate in spite, no matter how small or big my spiteful stance might seem or how I try to downplay it by comparison to what I have been as in the full blown spiteful character

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into spite within my personal relationship, I stop, breathe, see, realize and understand that I am about to walk a construct of the mind unless I stop and make another choice and so I breathe, keep myself stable until the enticing moment of spite wears out without my participation in anyway shape or form

When and as I see myself that I have already walked into the construct because some spiteful comment or stance is coming up within me that I see I desire to brush off, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that the mind is like an auction house putting an item up for me to buy it and participate in an energy construct that will turn me into a reactive being vs a self directed being and that I can say NO, breathe myself back to stability and will myself to choose to not participate

When and as I see myself I have fallen into the spiteful character because I had my guard down or because I feel entitled to that one tiny moment of secret spite, I stop, breathe, remind myself how I have walked in writing why I no longer want to participate and stick to my decision by forgiving myself immediately and correcting myself to not participate

When and as I see myself wanting to play the jealousy card because 'it's fun' apparently, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I am just attempting to label spite with another name, remind myself that whatever the label I am attempting to move into a spiteful stance and will myself not to by directing myself to breathe instead until I can stand stable and see the desire to make someone jealous fade as I do not allow myself to participate within it

I commit myself to stop being spiteful in my personal relationships

I commit myself to investigate when and why I am triggered into a moment of desire to be spiteful to see what I need to correct for which I am still blaming another

I commit myself to not repeat the patterns of behavior of those that came before me and created this world that I see needs to change and for which I want to stand as one piece that changes back into alignment to what is best for all, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One

DIP Lite - Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
desteni.org - Participate in Forums or Search the Vast Desteni Material
eqafe.com - Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs.