Day 93: The Addict Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as The 'Addict' Character, failing to see that anything I define myself as, I become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the reason why I defined myself as The Addict Character was that so I could go on smoking pot whenever I wanted or relapse whenever I wanted because as an Addict it was beyond my control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I finally moved myself from the 'I like this lifestyle' Character to the I am an "Addict' Character, I was being honest as I was admitting my inability to step out of the Smoking Pot Character, instead of realizing I was just giving myself 'carte blanche' to go on smoking and fucking up my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that the only reason why I may want to leave the door ajar into my I am an Addict Character, is because I have a secret plan to relapse, when and if I get a chance, because I believed that I cannot throw away 30 years of 'my History' as the definition of who I chose to be for 30 years, no matter how shitty that Character was to embody, it's still 'part of me' and I resist parting from it and within this I forgive myself for resisting parting from it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately manipulate my memories of me as The Addict Character, leaving out all the unpleasant bits and the ginormous consequences I lived out so I could continue playing the demented Addict, instead of filing the real story of what playing this Character has costed me because I am too ashamed of looking back and seeing the amount of self abuse I have inflicted on myself and others playing this Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having embodied the Addict Character and the 'I like this Lifestyle' Character and for the abuse I have inflicted on myself and others within the self interest of wanting to have the Addict experience, no matter what

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to The Addict Character as a way to remind myself that I became an Addict because there were troubles at home, so I could hold on to my Abused Child Character and maintain the friction with my family going to generate Energy for myself and believe that I was right and justified in my life choice as an Addict, justifying my life of self abuse and of abuse of others by blaming my childhood as the cause of my suppressions and then justifying the self medication I took as Pot, because I had to create a dis-ease in my mind to justify why I needed to self medicate, instead of stepping out of both the Character of the Abused Child and the Self Medicating Addict Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am defined by the shame of my Life of Self Abuse and that at the most I can suppress it and keep it at bay by no longer smoking, even though I left the door to go back to my Character ajar, because One never knows, while I know at all times what I am doing and why and it is just a Matter of becoming Self Honest to step out of this Character for Good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking a joint is an option I don't want to dismiss for good, because what if one day 'I'm just feeling too compressed and suppressed and I have given up my 'medicine for good' and what could be my saving grace I won't have access to, instead of seeing that Pot was never my saving grace but my living disgrace as I pushed myself lower and lower in the pit of self pity and addiction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going back to work because, having left the door of Pot smoking ajar, in case of stress, and having connected work to stress within my mind as something that will come up for sure, once I will move into the belief that I am too stressed out, from that plateau I will automatically seek for my 'I am too stressed out' medicine, instead of realizing that I was too stressed out in the Past because I did not have the tools of writing myself out and stopping my own self abuse through thoughts/feelings and emotions, but now The Past is Over

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the loss of this Character, because I have embodied it for so long that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it was me, as Who I Really Am, and not just a Character that I played out as a way to not take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dupe myself with the stories about my bravery to admit that, yes I was in fact An Addict, failing to see I was not being brave, I was just laying out my justifications of why I would never give it up so I could smoke to my heart content having admitted that, yes I am flawed and I don't give a fuck about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was/am flawed and there is nothing I can do about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that as I wished to not have responsibility for my actions, at the same time I abdicated my power to change, because power is where self responsibility is, and that if in the past I doubted myself to be able to change is because I had not in fact taken self responsibility, but admitted my powerlessness through the acceptance of the Character I Am an 'Addict' and lived it out as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images of people smoking a joint, the blue Rizla pack and logo, movies in which the pot smokers seem happy and relaxed, posts on Facebook about getting high, and for then suppressing all the reactions because I don't want to face the point of looking at them, seeing that is all Fear and investigating, what am I afraid of, just to see that I fear the door ajar that I left behind me as my future opportunity to step back in Character as The Addict and do myself in for good this time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself on the Pot Point, because of all the times that I told myself - and others- that I was going to quit and then I didn't, instead of seeing I failed because I planned to fail through leaving the door ajar back to the Addict Character, which is the reason for the fears I have felt and suppressed now, and that I can decide to just shut that door for good and move on, because I Am the One that Decides

I commit myself to stop any judgement I have about Pot, as my enemy, and accept that chances to go back to smoking Pot are everywhere and I cannot avoid seeing when a Pot deal is taking place because I have trained myself for it, but I can commit myself to closing the Addict Door for good as that will make anything I see irrelevant as I have made my Decision as the Self Directive principle of me to never return to that Character, the Past is Over

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself react or about to react and be tempted to either look away from the points I have identified as my triggers, such as the Rizla blue pack, the Rizla logo, the image of a joint or of grass, happy potheads in movies and in other circumstances, to simply remind myself that I no longer want to embody The Addict Character, Breathe, bring myself back Here and stand as The Self Directive principle of Myself until any urge or desire to suppress is gone as I have breathed myself through and out of my reactions

I commit myself to stop the nostalgic bullshit of Times Gone By, as they were never good times as they are portrayed by my mind when The Addict file comes to my attention in pictures flashes to activate me as The Addict, and that I am still walking the consequences of having embodied this Character for far too long to the detriment of my health and my life while I did everything possible to not be Here and face myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I commit myself to stop all judgement of me as The Addict Character, as I see realize and understand that any judgement is a point of separation, a point that I do not want to own of my Life and take responsibility for, yet it is me and I forgive myself for the Life I lived as an Addict and for believing The Addict Character to be me as Who I Really Am

I commit myself to shut the door to the Addict Character for good as I see realize and understand that what I feared was my Lack of a Decision that I could walk, never turning back, and so I stand here committed to myself and my decision to never engaging The Abusive Addict Character Again, for myself as What  is Best for All, as Life and All of Existence Equal and One

Day 92: The Addict

I started to smoke marijuana when I was 17, as I said many times I went on and off -with the "on" part very predominant- for over 30 years, 2/3 of my Life I was a Pot smoker. 

Only after I was 30 I faced the point 'I am an Addict', with some resistance, leaving behind the Character "I enjoy this lifestyle' since it became clear I had no life, only the 'style' as an habit of smoking.

Since we started this Character revealing Game, I had to come to term with a disturbing reality, All My Characters share one trait, the desire to NOT take responsibility and to NOT be Self Honest, no wonder that through Characters we have created such a world.

The point of the Addict Character still flashes occasionally as a memory, the distorted offering of images of the alleged 'good times' conveniently fading over the times when I would faint from over smoking or would just throw up when mixing with alcohol, my memory has left the good bits on the file label and content, the Addict File is tempting to revisit, when the memorie flash I see I could in fact step back in, given the chance, or better, I feel I have left the door ajar just in case I want to step back in and justify myself with the point that 30 years add-dick-tion cannot be just let go like that. No, better to keep the self abuse going as a form of respect for all the past self abuse, a History like this cannot be just trashed for good.

But in truth, this and my other Creation as his partner in crime ' I enjoy this Lifestyle' Character were never what they seemed to be, the one about making this Lifestyle choice was not Real because I was long gone down into automation by when I was 30, it was just my way to 'not lose face' to not have to come out and say , I've kind of lost control here and I don't know how to get out', and the other one was the Character that says 'ok, I admit, I lost control and I do not know how to get out'.

Yet, both Characters are just Liars, because I always knew how to get out, it was a pretty brainless path to walk, I would have to quit and go through the withdrawal and then come out of it and Stop.

I just didn't want to.

Because these 2 characters allowed me to not have to take responsibility for myself, either by a 'choice' as in a Lifestyle choice, where in fact what I was saying was, yes it's true, I enjoy isolating myself and smoking dope way more than living or having a functional Relationships, real interactions with other human beings, because all that is hard work as I have to confront and face all my reactions, self judgements, emotions and feelings and when this did not work out anymore for me, I apparently let go of my 'saving face' point to embrace the 'I'm an addict Character", which was the ultimate surrender and admission, 'I'm not in charge here guys, I am an Addict, some things are out of my ability to manage', like this one, so just leave me Alone.

SO, when now I see someone smoking Pot, rolling, posting on Facebook how they would like to get stoned I am not in fact reacting to the smoking pot idea, I am reacting to myself, to the door left ajar that makes me feel always on the edge of a precipice and then I busy myself to never get close to the edge, instead of shutting the fucking door once and for All and not leave the option for me to take, because I have designed myself to be irresponsible and with plenty Characters to justify my actions as if they were not in fact my choices and decisions, of energy/experience over Life as Breath, when under pressure the chances I will take it are high, that's why I left it ajar! Avoiding the situation where pot goes around is not enough, it must be an absolute self commitment to no longer give in to the desire to not be Here and go off somewhere else in my mind, because the leaving the door ajar is in itself a decision, it is the decision to allow myself to fall, just once, just for the sake of 'living' that feeling again, of carelessness, the imaginary Lightness of Being, as the decision is made in the small things, in the one that seem unimportant as I look at myself and see I have given up Pot, yet I see the door ajar as well, so how is it going to be ?

Because I make no mistake now about it, I know that I am the One that Decides.

Self forgiveness and self Commitment statements to Follow tomorrow