Day 32: Men at Work

A friend of mine wrote to me to let me know that he gave my Skype contact to an ex Client we used to work with, who is looking for someone to help them set up business in China.

This is not just any ex Client, this is one of my 'one night stand' raising from the grave where I had buried him thinking there would never be a follow up, a return, a reminder or a con-sequence I would have to face about Him and what happened between us.

My HK friend knew about it, so his message started with "I hope I didn't do something Stupid by giving him my full recommendation that he should have you for the China business', funny because when this ex Client/Lover yesterday sent me a skype invite I wondered if he had raised from the grave by himself or if he had been raised, like Lazarus, to live again in my Mind both as Guilt and as Desire.

Because the sex had been bloody good and quite unforgettable, even though I had been clear both with myself and him that it would be a 'one time only' and it was, the day before he left Hong Kong to return to his wife and 4 children. I never encouraged his follow up calls and in fact there was never any follow up.

The 'One Night' happened after a week of being pursued relentlessly at work and out, he would call me at home, plus he was disarming, he was honest about wanting to spend time with me, REALLY wanting it, I had tried to divert him on my staff as I felt I was in no position to enjoy a fling with a customer due to my position of responsibility, but as the day went by and his focus never swayed on any other woman, I felt the 'value of him wanting ME' exclusively, as if I were ABOVE the other women in the office, and this was simply irresistible.

When it happened I wanted to share it with my male friend (the one who has now given him my Skype contact) and as I approached my speech about wanting to lay the cards on the table, I started to say how this Client had relentlessly pursued me for a week, to give myself a sense of value and explain why I ultimately gave in, then, as I was about to tell him we spent the night together before taking him to the airport, my friend said "I know, he is a maniac, he would fuck a Chair'. I froze, the extension of my loss of worth in this one sentence is indescribable.

It took me another 2 months to come clean, I then had to add the point of his comment as the reason why I could not tell him the first time, being that there were no secrets between us and I did not want to have troubles turn up at work, I wanted my friend in, to share the guilt of my own self judgement of myself.

He sat there looking for words to mend his first comment, to make me 'feel good' about myself, realizing that the loss of worth was a now clear point he wished he had not participated in.

I made myself scarce to any personal phone call or any business deal and always had my staff follow up, yet the feeling of having crossed a line in what I judged was 'the proper behaviour' stayed, but I swept it under the carpet and believed I had let it go.

He looked for me before I read my friend's message, so my first reaction was personal, about ME, about him wanting to get in touch with ME, if I see how much I need a job at the moment, the fact that I had a moment of feeling sorry to learn that he looked for me for work it's simply schizophrenic and idiotic, yet a whole reaction started that went from how could we possibly work together to my anxiety about how much I should ask as a compensation, all the lines were blurred, since I have not cleared that point of judgement the job opportunity seems more like asking for a sex compensation, because of course, my mind went to 'how can we travel together to China and not have sex, who am I joking ?' and so sex became a link to the job, my possibility to walk back into the business world and do what I am good at, just because of one point that I have never faced and is now compromising me, not because of what I will or not do, but what I fear I may or may not do, and for what I judge I have already done, in that moment when I walked away from myself to embrace my unworthiness both as a professional and as a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'give in' to sex because a man courts me relentlessly and I believe I get worth and value by being pursued as his only object of desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as something 'I give in to' because I can only give in if I am not an Equal to a Man and I accept and allow myself to believe that he wants it more than me because he is a Man and I am a Woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Men and Women do not equally desire sex because I see men as 'different' from women, instead of as Equal in the desires in and of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be exclusively desired by a man gives me worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'diverting him' onto my staff was OK, because I lay on top of the food chain and I was therefore unapproachable but my staff who was less worthy, as the money we received at the end of the month proved, could give in if they wanted and it would be 'a lesser sin' than if I did because they were less than me and 'worth' less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' worth on my and their money making capacity and ability as a way to gain value and worth for myself instead of seeing everyone Equal as Life and just playing different parts in the Money game until an Equal Money System will in fact reestablish Equal Worth and Value for everyone beyond any reasonable doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I had sex with a man I wanted to have sex with because I was not willing to face the con-sequence of my own self judgement and loss of worth as a professional player in the business world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having done something 'wrong' both as a woman and as a professional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend said 'he would fuck a Chair' because I believe I must be more than a chair and in fact I must be more than any other woman to him/anyone before I allow myself to experience sex in fear of my own self judgement of myself as a 'loose woman'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire for a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at men if and when I desire them because I believe I am putting myself into a situation I will for sure regret afterward if I give in, having always been the hardest judge of myself and of my sexuality used as a worth/value seeking experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having sex with married men, because they are 'taken' meaning owned by other women and since they do not 'belong to me' I should not trespass that line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job as a woman to say NO to married men because I have to stand up for all the women in the world in an act of self righteousness which is just self dishonesty, because I seek self righteousness to be more and better than other women who fuck married men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire married men as the uncomplicated alternative to a relationship because I am not willing to put in the time and the effort it takes to work out my hang ups so I can stand up for a relationship of Self Support as Life with another Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless because of what others say that I take personally and then use to diminish myself into nothingness and unworthiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel agitated when He first contacted me because I went into a future projection of how things will turn out and I was already in the sack without even having given myself a chance to see if this is what is Best for All at the moment, me fucking up my life again, or if what is best for All would be me standing in and as Self responsibility to get back to the business world doing what I am good at so I can get back my place in the system and walk my process of self correction in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I see him again I will have sex with him because I won't be able to put what is best for all in front of my suppressed desire for 'great sex' which was never Real because I have only had mind sex so far and have never been sex as self expression as me in the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend wrote 'but this time please E. get them to pay you right' because I read in this that I have undervalued myself when we worked together and I accepted as I always do to be paid less than a man in my position and then blaming the men around me for earning more when they just 'asked for more' not sharing my same issues of lack of worth in and as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my friend comment to me having sex with this client and the sentence 'get paid more' as a point of whorehood of myself because sex was involved in my relationship with this man and now there may be money involved and sex + money equals whore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a whore when sex did not happen in my life within the parameters of what I have set for myself as wrong or right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hinder my sexual expression in fear of my own harsh self judgements that I ended up projecting outside on other women just because I did not want to own them and resolve them in and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worth less because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want 'to forget' my past miss takes because I can't face my own self judgement of myself and I don't want to for-give myself who and what I believe I have been and done so I can be released into a life that is no longer my own personal scripted Fibonacci spiral of fuck ups but something new that I will have to live in and as Self Directive Principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety at the thought 'we'll have to talk this time if I want that job' because I fear how he will approach me since sex has happened once between us and it was GREAT and I fear he won't allow me to ever forget it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe he doesn't want me to forget that we had sex and it was great because I hold on to this point as a point of self worth and I AM the ONE not wiling to let it go and start from scratch even though it was now 5 years ago and he has obviously got on with his life while I am sitting here still writing about it in regret and self reproach

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold on to a point of great sex as a measure of my value as a woman as a sex object gaining her value from a sex performance to prove I am in fact worthy because I can give pleasure to a man, instead of seeing I have reduced myself to nothingness through my investment in images and ideas of myself and what a woman is supposed to be and be able to do to have value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself into future projections about my future job, of which I know nothing if not what I can imagine and fuck up with in my head, instead of breathing myself through the point when we will in fact talk and I will hear what he has to say and in that moment I will be able to reply or to ask to have a little time before I can come back with a proposal to his request

When and as I see myself projecting myself into future projections of possible potential outcomes, I stop, Breathe, remind myself future projections have always been a delusions of my mind and then I have made myself unhappy about reality because it wouldn't match what I had conjured up, instead of seeing, I can be Here in breath and address each point of me as self correction as they come up

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear about what will come out of this specific situation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself fear is not Real and I can face anything through my commitment of Walking my Path back to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving into the past as a way to diminish myself as a woman and as a human being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself only the Mind can be diminished and I want to stop the diminishment of myself and All Life One and Equal so that we May All Stand up in Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my fear mongering of myself as the Mind to myself as The Physical because I see this makes me ineffective and this is not What is Best for All or What is Best for Me as Life, I commit myself to walk back into the System and become a Self Honest participant that uses communication and the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' so that the New World we want to see can start with me as Self Correction for myself as Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All