I was a 'normal size' kid until I went to primary school and my love for sugar exploded.
As I said yesterday, the first Fat remark I received that I can still remember was from the school doctor, the way he said 'You are Fat' made me feel ashamed, as Fat was of less value than Not Fat and so I immediately had a loss of worth on the Value system of how a kid/female is supposed to look.
Yet sugar was not the culprit, but what was going on behind the scenes that made me want to stuff myself and suppress.
In my family everybody had weight problems, everybody was always on a diet, so dieting was a sign that Fat was in fact bad and something we should rid our bodies from.
When I was between 7 and 10 I joined my grandparents at the Weight Watchers meetings, people would clap for the ones who had lost weight, so losing weight was good, putting on weight was bad.
At the time (and even now) mostly everybody did not understand the Body and the Mind connection and why people desired to binge on food, mainly the idea was that fat people are slobs who are lazy and 'don't care about themselves' enough to be Fit.
I enjoyed finding this word "Fit" under a Fat to Slim picture while I was looking for an image to go with what I wanted to write about, Fit as in Fitting into something, mainly the ideal of how a woman should look like, Fit an image, a picture of what is good and what is bad according to how society has categorized Human Form, without looking at the physical manifestation of some distress, some suppression, some layering of the Mind into the Physical that is not about Food but about what is going on in the Mind, as Conflict and Self Abuse.
In my yesterday's blog, I gave myself a clue about having to write this out, and today I read Anna's Blog which was spot on about how I have lived my Life regarding this Idea of Thin vs Fat, of desiring Thin as a Value, as a way to add Points to myself within an imaginary Value System we have grown to accept and allowed ourselves to believe to be Real.
When I was a plump teenager, I told my grandma once that I was told I had 'big bones', I was consoled by this big bones label, as to say, the shape I had which did not fit, was not my fault, was the bones fault, I could not fight genetics and my skeletal system so I kind of unwillingly settled for the big bones label as 'better' than the Fat label.
My grandmother said 'There were no 'big boned ' people in Auschwitz', funny, writing this out seems terrible, yet it was only her own projection of having been fat immediately after the war, and possibly having collected such comments on her big bones defence which she just passed on to me, and I took it personally, I took everything people said in and as their own projections as my problem, as me being faulty, fat and therefore ugly, not worthy of a man (because it all goes back there, to the other value system of 'being attractive, able to pull a man, desirable as in men wanting to fuck you", that was about it, in a nutshell, the purpose and reason to be of a woman in Italy).
Yet I always wanted to look 'above' the weight problem, while in my Secret Mind I was always looking for clues that I did in fact Fit in, and when anything else failed, I started to binge and throw up, fast, do colonics, anything that would guarantee I could Fit this Idea I had made up in my mind about myself being 'perfect', fitting the requirements of Society, being desirable, and beautiful and not Fat and Ugly as something to be just cast aside ad forgotten.
This is one reason why I moved to Thailand, as a way to keep my weight under control, since I had given up on my ability to Change myself and my behaviour, I believed I would be better off on the island I had used to bring myself back into 'Shape", the Shape I was supposed to be to live a worthy life as a woman in a society that told me I had to Fit In and I accepted and allowed myself to believe it, until I felt worthless for not being able to, in my separation from my own Self Worth Here as Breath in every moment.
I want to take a moment to see all the angles of this Self Forgiveness, as this is a very extensive point in my Life and I would like to see as many layers as possible before I apply SF statements, will follow through in part 2 tomorrow.
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