Day 231: The Sex Market - Trading in Love & Money

The Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My mum sent me a joke to which I reacted, it went like this

Berlusconi's daughter asks her father 'Dad, what is Love?' and he replies 

'Love is when a man takes you to Venice, on a gondola, then takes you for a 5 star dinner, then to a 5 star hotel, buys you nice, expensive things, an apartment, a luxury car and looks after you financially' 

'But Dad, what about feelings and emotions?' 

'Oh Dear, that's Bullshit made up by Communists so they can fuck for free'

She then added, 'I have been a Communist all my Life !'

There are a few reasons why I reacted, one for sure is the ditching of 'feelings and emotions' since like my mother I have been 'mainly' a Communist and have given out sex for 'free' - but just in the sense not for a declared monetary value, the second because I traded sex for 'Love' which is not what 'the Communist do' but what the ones with No Money do to have sex.

We have a Global Sex market going on that we want to cover up with other names, Marriage, engagement, relationships and then, the cherry on the cake: 'Love'.

My student gave me a book to read to try and turn my Mind about 'Love' and my -obviously still attempts- to walk away from it, the book is called 'Love is a God', by Eva Cantarella, I have just read about 40 pages and the same discomfort of my mother's joke came up.

Really, who are we kidding?

This book is about Greek Mythology and summarizes all the 'Loves' that took place among the Gods, mainly Zeus so far who seemed to have a sex appetite second to none and would fuck anything he liked and then coveted either through subterfuge, kidnapping, shape shifting or whatever else he could come up with.

A few Goddesses are mentioned too, usually as victims of poorly handled relationships, like Medea, who got so angry with her husband for dumping her, after all she did for him, including cutting her brother in pieces and throwing him at sea to stop her fathers boat from following her as she run away with her Lover/Husband to be, that as a revenge she came up with an elaborate plan to make him suffer and the most effective thing she could come up with was to kill their children.

My student had already debated with me the point of 'how can anyone not understand Medea, come on, her husband was such a douchebag, after All She did For Him, he tried to dump her AND convince her he was doing it for her own good and the children's best interest - a real thorough bastard' - and he was too.

As I was reading this book I saw the play out of All the relationships Characters of Humanity, there is nothing the Gods used to do that we have not been up to ourselves in deceit and manipulation or in any other horrific way, thanks God we no longer have Zeus's power, Zeus only knows what we would have done with that disappearing and shape-shifting shit.

At the lowest levels of the food chain, we trade Sex for Love, again, not because we can't trade it for Money, just because there is No Money to trade it for, Sex is a commodity we use to manipulate each other and we have moved so far from ourselves as The Physical Body that we no longer understand Sex to be an expression of Self in and as The Physical, but a weapon, an asset, a stock to trade on the market where we exchange Sex for Money or Love as good feelings to chase away the fears we have about ourselves and this world and the lives we live and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

Apparently we call that 'Love' and we respect it, as 'Love is a God', and so are We and what an image and likeness we are indeed.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress thoughts and memories of times in which I have clearly seen myself trade mySelf for Love or other things I perceived as "Valuable"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the construct of asking men to do things to 'prove their Love' ranging from waiting to have sex, to telling me something, to making me 'feel' something as I internalized fairy tales in which 'when a man loves a woman, he would do anything for her' and I lived testing this to get to those 'positive feelings ' of worth and value for myself to move out of the way I mostly perceived myself which was 'negative'

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at the point of Love as a currency for trading Sex because I have judged this to be bad and I don't want to be a woman that traded sex for anything but prefer to imagine myself as above the sex trading that is happening everywhere, starting with me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for trading myself as sexual expression for declarations of Love that were as empty as those I gave in return or to solicit another's declaration of Love for me so I could feel good about myself, even when those declaration were based on nothing substantial but were enough to provide the excuse and means for trading and for not feeling like I was giving out something 'of value' for Free.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that as women we hold the sex game in our hands when I realized that the sex market was only one way and only men were buying it while we were the ones selling it and as such we were the ones to set the price for the sex transactions that would take place and if no money could be squeezed out of it in any form, then 'Love' would do as 'a payment' for the exchange of goods which were valuable because men seemed to want them and be willing to do more for sex than we were

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that those women who have not been playing the "Communist Game' and giving out sex for free, were in fact smarter as they ended up marrying the ones they did not give the goods to for free and marriage is another form of successful trade off on the sex market

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when meeting a man, assess what he can do for me, specifically if he shows an interest, because in that interest the trading has already started and I just had to hold on to the goods to make the price rise and if it rose to 'Love' than I would feel I had achieved something, that I got the value for the goods I was about to give out, and in this separation of myself into a Stock Exchange for trading mySelf in and as my body, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine what I could get out of sexual games with men that I desired, which could be the 'Love' fix or something that ranked valuable on my lists of trade offs, such as being cared for, looked after and within this for never having expressed myself sexually beyond games and manipulations I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to the joke my mum sent, because when she implied she has always been a Communist, meaning she never traded well enough for sex, I felt my own disappointment for not having traded sex as well as I could have and then the shame for having traded sex at all for value, acceptance and appreciation

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to buy into the idea, ideal, belief and delusion of 'Love' as something valuable, without seeing realizing and understanding that 'Love' was always One and Equal to Fear, with the same physical con-sequences I experienced when I went through fearful moments in my Life and so I duped myself twice with both the idea of Value of Love and the Idea of the Positivity of Love which I never experienced but only imagined because when I 'lived' the experience I always felt anxiety, fear of loss, desire to compete with other women to hold on to this point of Value I created for myself that I then had to hold on to in fear of feeling lessened and diminished

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through the Imaginary experience of Love as fear and for wanting to hold on to this fear as Love fearing that I will no longer feel alive if I let it go, instead of seeing and realizing it is the letting go of it all that will make me real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that all our mythology about Gods and Goddesses and Love, which is the original blueprint for the follow up fairy tales, is just bullshit, as the first stories told about Love have nothing 'loving about them' but they describe our dishonesty, lust, desires, jealousy, vindictiveness, cruelty and utter disregard for each other and for Life and that those stories should have been told as a warning that we have not changed yet and not as examples of 'what Love really is', because 'Love' that doesn't support all equally in and as the physical and is not what is best for all, is not real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of 'Love' for good, even though as I wrote in these past days I came to a fence and I realized that I could in fact cross it because there was nothing of value I would leave behind, and yet I still deliberately held on to the fence for dear life, fearing that I would not be me if I did let this one point go, and for standing in the way of my own freedom and of learning to stand on my own two feet, I forgive myself

I commit myself to keep writing about this point of Love until nothing moves inside of me when a trigger presents itself and to see that every step I am taking is an opportunity for myself to redefine what I have been and what I have participated in and as, and to change myself to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All, for myself and all of existence, Equal and One.

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Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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Day 152: The Untouchables & The Cougar

Among the jobs I have been trying out to make some money to support myself, one is therapeutic massage.

So far I had 3 men coming, one is my ex of 25 years ago, and one my caretaker and his friend.

My ex had warned me that the word 'massage' in Italy is loaded with double entendre because many ladies coming from poor countries and having to find a way to make a living have imported 'massage' as the /code word' for sex. Of course I took into no account what he said because I don't like this vision of the world where men ONLY think about sex, even when they have a crippling neck pain to fix, resorted to a make belief 'common sense' about needs (to fix a painful spot) over urges (sex) and went about my 'business'.

A few turn of events since then: the caretaker is 'fixed' but he told me that 'he likes me' I did not address the point as it came out as a joke that I could avoid to address, his friend felt that since I have touched his naked back he could ask me if I had lesbian experiences, the third one that I ventured on, the guy who is selling my home and told me he had a very bad pain in the back to which I replied 'if you want I can give you a massage', has disappeared and has been avoiding me consistently.

The last time he had a message for me he asked the secretary to call me, having read my 'give you a massage' as a cougar on the attack and trying to shy away from it.

This is My thought obviously which gave me a feeling of shame, so I went about trying to fix this because we had a nice relationship going and he would sometime come up for coffee, so I wrote him an sms to tell him something about a missed appointment and then wrote 'if you are advertising for me for therapeutic massage to men, stop, there is something flawed in the Italian men's mind when the word 'massage' comes up', trying to blame him for how I experienced myself as a cougar on the attack, he did not reply, which basically expanded the feeling that I was pathetic and made the situation worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to face that we have a deep problem going on between men and women that leads to miscommunication that are sex laced even when we do not intend to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to accept that if a man is oiled into a massage by a woman on his naked back, he may not be able to stop his sexual thoughts due to the oversexualized system we live in and that unless I take responsibility for the possible consequences of this happening, I should move on to doing something else instead of insisting that they 'do not do that thing they do in their mind and just 'control themselves'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and stupid because by offering a massage to this guy I believe I have exposed myself to be seen as a 'cougar on the attack' and for perceiving that I lost any credibility as a 'good woman' now that these unspoken thoughts have entered our relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to blame men because everything that goes on between men and women turns into sex in their mind, instead of seeing and realizing we were all preprogrammed into an over-sexualized world and now we are walking the consequences of not having addressed the point that sex is always in the way of communication between men and women because we have done nothing to change the way we communicate with each other and come clean about these problems we have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel offended at how this guy reacted by disappearing and for taking it personally, instead of seeing and realizing he is trying to avoid a potential point of conflict that has arisen between us, due to me using the word 'massage' in a country where 'massage' has become synonymous with sex, just because I don't want to face the reality of how things are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished because this guy is avoiding me, meaning that he is scared that I would make a pass at him as in sex, meaning he doesn't want to have sex with me and this makes me feel diminished as old and no longer attractive, even if having sex with him was in no way in my mind when I offered the massage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed because I believed I was the cause of having created this friction, situation of dis-ease, instead of just seeing I have misused a word without considering the consequences and I did not correct myself when I saw that when I spoke the word "massage", he went into immediate tension and uneasiness as we were drinking coffee together but I hoped it would go away when he would have time to 'think about it'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have a 'come back' at him, to blame him for what I believe is going on in his Mind on which I have no control, because I believe that the reason why I experience myself the way I feel has to do with what goes on in his Mind that I wanted to correct instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is what is going on in My Mind that I need to correct and STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this new character as 'The Therapeutic Masseuse' that believes to have "carte blanche" to cross over the cultural and gender problems we have, instead of seeing that a New Character cannot correct old beliefs, but I have to dig out what are the beliefs that separate us as Men and Women and take responsibility for my words and the consequences they create

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to belittle this guy by telling him 'there is something wrong in the Mind of Italian Men -you included-' so I can avoid to take responsibility for my words spoken out of the desire to expand my 'client' base and not in consideration of another as an Equal, having the same Equal problems that I have going on in my mind regarding relationship with men and hidden sexuality charges

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry at this play out because I want to only consider the point that I REALLY was not looking for sex and I have been misunderstood, instead of seeing my responsibility as the words I have spoken without consideration for the consequences they could have within the moment I shared with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not address this point when I perceived this guy had moved into a state of uncomfortability because I lacked the words to bring this point up and as he became uncomfortable I became ashamed and retreated in myself into the Character 'what kind of woman do you think I am?', such as a woman wanting sex out of context with a married guy much younger than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I went through this experience of myself through my own self judgement about 'the kind of woman I would like to be and be perceived as' such as NOT a woman molesting younger men for sex and that it is because I believe that this is what He thought about me that I built this all castle of cards that built up into my desire to rectify the situation just so I ended up feeling more pathetic than before I tried to manipulate my way out of how I felt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about 'what he thought about me' and for fearing 'his new judgement of me as a sex crazed cougar in disguise' and that based on this ass-umption I made in my mind I moved myself into an energetic reaction for which I did not want to take responsibility for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for this energetic reaction because I wanted to insist on my innocence throughout this exchange which doesn't make me responsible in my mind 'because I am not the one who started it', instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who started doesn't matter and that I have to take care of my energetic reactions and participation in and as the Mind to correct myself to do my part to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I commit myself to correct myself for each point in which I participate in and as an energetic reaction not allowing myself to justify myself with 'I did not start this' or "I Really didn't mean it the way they took it''

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself moving into a state of uncomfortability regarding a point, to stop, write myself out so as to not build up bullshit that I then act out on just so I keep the damage going in my clumsy attempts at 'damage control'

I commit myself to, when and as i see myself that something is bothering me, to not discount it because 'it's not my fault if someone took what I said the wrong way' but to investigate why am I reacting and taking personally someone else's reaction toward me and my words and to correct myself for my own reactions

I commit myself to, before I speak, consider the implications of the moment and the consequences of my words and the impact of my words on others, see that I am clear and only then speak, because words Matter and I commit myself to realign my words to become substantial and an expression of who I am and not the blabbering of consequence free characters made up by my own imagination. 

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Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

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Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.

Today I had a visit from a friend of a friend, a fiscal advisor that lives in my building and that had told me he was interested in sharing ideas about Natural Medicine.

As I showed him my house he made a few attempts to either hold me by my waist or over my shoulder, I simply slid out of every attempt but did not speak up, instead I moved into a famiiar physical uncomfortability, interesting that now the formal laguage is no longer a step men have to cross before they try to grab you, hey I can call you Madam and molest you, something that requires my updating in the customs of this Country, when I left 17 years ago, the language was the first pass they would have to make to step into informality before they would touch you.

Then when I held out my hand to say bye bye, he grabbed me pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my cheek, a sleazy one, my body went into rigor mortis and so he apologized and told me you are wonderful and left. How to con one's way out with a con-pliment ? When he left I felt this rage, I was so angry at myself as I saw myself not saying clearly 'what are you meaning with this behavior, or something else' right, I did not say anything because I don't know what to say. I have been molested since I was a kid, either grabbed on buses and rubbed against, walked in the park when an exhibitionist wanked himself looking at me and gesturing to go over there, yeah right, for one year when I was between 13 and 14 I had more molestation than I can recall, the bus was a place I entered fearing that it would happen again, as soon as it would fill up someone would come and rub against my ass, when I went and complained to my mother she said 'isn't it strange that it only happens to you?". The year before I was molested in my bedroom by our family friend, a monk who used to stay overnight that told me to go to his bed for a Confession.

I don't remember even starting the Confession rite, I remember instead him being horny and grabbing me to  try to put his hands under my nightie and forcing a kiss on my mouth until I stood up and went and locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the bathtub to think what would be the best course of action, waking up my mother was a nono, what if she blamed me ? She didn't that time, the Monk robe was flying out of the window by the time I reached the courtyard, but that was extreme. My mother saw the other molestations as my fault, I did not wear make up or high heels, never wore a skirt, just jeans and shirts, so how was that my fault exactly. yet  believed I must be doing something wrong, no matter what  tried, no eye contact, standing against the bus sides, nothing worked, when we could queue to get off, here they were, I noticed that most of them had blue eyes, tried the molester profiling in my head but you would always get the surprise to throw you off, the monk had brown eyes, he was a family friend since my birth, he was really difficult to profile and to be on guard about.

Today I felt the same way, violated, a thing and not a person, when this man later called me to tell me he did not have my mobile and how could he send me his number I gave it to him, while my anger at myself worsened, WHY the fuck would I give my number to this man, isnt' there a line to draw regarding the Politeness Belief System? Apparently NOT, I listened to his speech about how great it was to meet me, realized he had not picked up enough on my body rigidity and pulling back, when he said what a fantastic time he had and how I was this and that, but in fact I wasn't Hearing anything as I was seething with this feeling of 'how did you dare?' And as soon as I saw the chance I said 'and I am someone who doesn't want any story'.

What a fucking lame line? To which he said 'no, not a story that is heavy stuff, coffee, chatting, as friends'  which means no commitment just fucking, haha my own line backfired and pushed me into a corner, well done. Yet the point of the litanies and fairy tales of past molester staid with me, this sense of hatred that I have suppressed for men due to how I perceived myself everytime one of these events would take place, feelings of powerlessness, fear, no man is a safe place in fact, there are no borders they won't cross, it happened with one of my mum's partners as well, twice, the first time I did not tell, the second I did. My mum asked me to leave her house as she said that 'I was jealous of her sexuality', I was 18 and had a boyfriend and plenty chances for fucking, and No, she is Not a comedian.

That was the only time I spoke up in the moment, both the first and the second time.

So what is it about women and Molestation that makes us keep quiet, that we don't want to offend, that we fear we may be judged as 'sour puss" or 'wooden cunts' as they say in Italy, how did we come to this place where it is Women who have to justify everything, from molestation to Rape, to being attacked and abused, what is it that locks us into this perverse dance with the abusers?

Today I am angry, I am angry for all the times I have not stood up to a man and told him to keep his hands to himself, clearly, no double entendre to sweeten the pill, just the clear communication that I don't like what you are doing, so why are these words lacking from my vocabulary?

In all my history of molestation apart from my mum's partner, but that may have been coerced out of me due to the 'family tie', I stood up only once for a little girl on the bus when I saw a man approaching her and touching her, I saw it from her face, she said nothing but I told her to come and sit next to me, I gave him the evil eye and he got off at the next stop, for the rest I always went for the 'soft approch' when it happened on crowded buses I would try to slide away, leaving the molester to look for another victim, with the monk I got up and locked myself into the bathroom, with friends, colleagues wankers anyone, I have always and only diverted my attention and tried to 'make them understand' that I was not interested, choose words to blame me, sorry I am going through a difficult time, it's not about you it's about me, so I would not hurt their feelings through a rejection, because hei, even molesters have feeings, shouldn't we keep that into account?

Actually NO, we should stop considering their feelings AT ALL and stand up, make it CLEAR that handling women as if they were just things there for the handling is Not Acceptable, that molesting children is Not Acceptable because whatever is going on in Your fucking Mind You/We have got to deal with it, take responsibility for it, and not go out and just play out on others The Demons that we have let loose within our Minds.

Do you have the desire to molest women, to rub on them, to grab them against their will, to rape them?

Help yourself to STOP, We don't like it, it is your fucking fantasy that We do, reality is not a Porn movie, when you grab a woman against her will she will not turn around and Moan to show you how much she likes it or how long she has been waiting for you as her reason to live, she will instead feel violated, disrespected as a Human being and then angry at Herself for not having stood up and told you clearly that it is Not OK unless it is by mutual agreement and that silence doesn't mean agreement in any way whatsoever, and that what you are doing is not Sexy, you are just a DickHead putting your desire for sex above the understanding that unless is Mutual it's by default a NO and not, ever ever, a YES.

Self forgiveness and Self Commitment to stop this Play out in My Life to follow tomorrow

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