Day 352 - Deleting and Correcting my Relationships Paranoia

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoia regarding flood of words and then translated that into a paranoia of communication in fear that one never knows where good words with good intentions land in the mind of another due to my relationship with my mother instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is a problem with words that cannot be corrected with good intentions but has to be corrected in writing as we redefine them to stand absolute as a point of stability within our communication with ourselves and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when not enough communication is going on to clear all the doubts that come up in my mind, to immediately move into a paranoid state in which I look for the 'real' reasons for the missing communication as if communication was a duty to be carried out only on the other side of the equation and not on my side as well, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to be led by my mind into conjectures and reasoning about lack of communication to justify why it is not up to me to do the work of communicating and why I am entitled to my mind errands as I work out the hidden reasons for the lack of communication vs asking and clarifying the points with another

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no sound reason for what I do within my mind when I go and seek for reasons to explain to myself why communication is not happening as those are just excuses I seek to not have to take the responsibility of communicating with another because I accepted and allowed myself to hang on to previous experiences of 'communication gone wrong' with my mother and then turned my past experiences into my guide for all future communications and the reason why I should not engage in it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when having doubts about a point I have not communicated about, go and seek for reasons of my wrongdoing as I repeat the patterns that I learnt in my life with my mother where she would ask me to go to my room and 'think abut what I did wrong' which was mainly her own paranoia projected on me and then I took the habit to immediately move to seek for 'what did I do wrong' when communication with another is not taking place effectively because I assumed everyone must have the same behavioral glitches I saw in my family and that when communication is not taking place it's my fault because I must have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame another when communication is not taking place effectively, because now I am an adult and hence I have gained the right to occupy my mother's position to tell another 'go to your room and think about it' to work out why I am not effectively communicating, blaming on them why my communication is not taking place as a 'payback' for something they did wrong or did not do, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have a choice about repeating patterns as I can self correct and rewrite for myself how I will behave in-stead and not in the image and likeness of someone who did not know better than passing on their own glitches to me in a copy and paste fashion

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the words 'we have to talk' which extend to meetings, gatherings, getting together of people who 'want to talk' when the talking has not so far proven effective in my life but mostly unpleasant when not just a waste of time and within this for accepting and allowing myself to associate the need of others to communicate about a point to something boring, grievous, unpleasant and for dismissing it as unnecessary instead of seeing , realizing and understanding that it is because I have not overcome the experience of words as weapons that I rather abstain, refrain and hope that everything works out by itself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope that things can work out by themselves relative to communicating with another when in fact I have no physical experience of ever resolving anything by letting time go by, or by pretending everything was just fine instead of standing and directing the point to a solution that works for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint myself with memories of unpleasant talks that I could not escape within my family and for then labeling all potential talks as unpleasant and for believing I had the right to assert my non compliance finally as an adult with the unpleasantness of a required talk, chat, attempt at communicating, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own labeling of communication as unpleasant that generated resistance within me every time a point relative to communication was approached and never communication per se

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern that goes from lack of communication -frustration - blame - desire for retaliation as I copied this design from my family instead of taking responsibility for the starting point of lack of communication without engaging a pattern of behavior in automation vs standing and directing the point in self responsibility

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish those that fail in their communication with me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am perpetrating an ineffective pattern of behavior that is not best for all and that it is my responsibility to correct myself to not allow myself to do to others what was done to me and I did not like at all


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to shield myself from words, my own and others, in fear that words may harm, hurt, may make a situation that was hanging on a thread precipitate beyond the possibility to fix it and within this for giving up on words in separation from myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I could correct them, I could dis-harm them and return them to be one and equal to myself as self expression


When and as I see myself starting to go off in my mind wondering why someone is not communicating with me effectively, I stop, breathe, bring this point back to myself and see how I can improve communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself looking for conspiracy theory reasons why another is not communicating effectively with me, I stop, breathe, bring this pattern back to myself and move myself physically to correct the point of communication between myself and another as one

When and as I see myself seeking to evade a conversation, a discussion, a meeting, a chat, an interview in fear that I will be flooded with words, with their redundancy, with their never ending loops, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that it is a fear I have created that I can correct by moving myself in and as breath instead than moving myself in and as the mind within justifications and excuses to why I am entitled to bail out from a chance to communicate with another/others

When and as I see myself walking the pattern of desiring isolation to stop the flooding of words into my life, I stop, breathe, see realize and understand that I perceive words as invasive because I have separated myself from them in an attempt to not take responsibility for all the harmful words I have spoken against another/others and within this I remind myself that I stand forgiven as I have forgiven myself for my past participation in and as words and that I have to in fact express myself and use words as me to change the pattern in the physical and leave behind who I have been within words for good


I commit myself to explore all the aspects of my resistance to communication and to words and to stand one and equal to my words to no longer create the illusion of separation between me and my words

I commit myself to let go of my past misuse of words as I see, realize and understand that I cannot move forward until I chain myself to my past with and as words and that it is my response-ability to reprogram myself into an effective communicator and a patient listener within words as me as self expression

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to indulge in the paranoia of the whys and hows but to check in the physical with another about what was the meaning of what they tried to convey or why have they not been in touch and communicating as to not allow myself to create needless backchat in my mind

I commit myself to self responsibility around the point of communication

Related articles

• Day 351: Intimate Relationships - The Dwelling of My Paranoia
• Day 427 Twisting and Turning Words
• 108 - the perception of adulthood
• Day 329: Just-ified DisAgreements as Cover Ups for Pettiness and Spitefulness

Day 163: 'If This Then That' - Secret Codes of Relationships

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Day 130: For-Giving the (Self) Molestation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I could not express myself as sexuality as a Child, I hoped and desired that men would come along who seemed to have the key to my sexuality as 'men were in charge of sex' according to the images of sex I saw and imprinted myself with, so I could experience myself sexually with them, through them, without having to carry the guilt and shame for giving in to sex to satisfy my curiosity, and for then suppressing this desire because the desire to experience myself sexually was 'bad", ending up turning these desires into suppressed and hidden thoughts, images and memories that were charged with self judgement, shame and guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and shameful within the desire to experience myself sexually as a child because I accepted and allowed myself o be imprinted with my mother's view on sex and how it was that sex is done with a man, which then created the thought and desire, 'bring a man here then'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that desire to interact with an 'unknown' man would give birth to molestation as I made myself the target for 'unknown men' to approach me as the answer to my suppressed thoughts of which I was not aware of consciously where they were themselves drawn to me as a match to me and my secret hidden thoughts/desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I was 'bad' for holding such secret desires, without being able to see realize or understand HOW those desires were formed through suppression, I deserved all the molestation that I got

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to molest myself with pictures and images of sex that I would look for and file within and as me to prove to myself that 'others did it' and I was not so bad after all, without seeing realizing and understanding that those pictures through which I would experience myself in shame and guilt would build up and turn into self molestation of myself as my Mind and give birth to the molested Character who in turn would attract Molesters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate sex in my early years of sexual expression to shame and guilt which made me enraged which in turn sought for targets which became men as The Molesters, for which I ended up perceiving I felt a deep hatred that I pushed down and hid as I did not want to be bad for hating someone and not 'forgiving' the weaknesses of men because 'all men are like that, they just want to get in your pants', while in fact I didn't and just accumulated hatred and contempt for their inability to keep their hands to themselves not seeing or realizing the part that I played in our interactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I had so much hatred for men and the continuous consistent abuse that I perceived they were inflicting on me when I walked down the streets as a Child, or when I ate a banana, or when I was just on a bus going to school, in a movie theatre watching a movie, within a friend's circle when suddenly one would behave in a way that I perceived as a trespassing, and for looking at them as Inferior Creature who were led by their Dicks, without seeing realizing and understanding that if they are led by their dicks, they must be led TO something/someone who matched their desires, and that it was me leading them on because a Victim must have an Abuser

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own self hatred, for having given up Life for The Mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, onto men, making them responsible and blaming them for everything that went on within me as self Abuse, so I would not have to be responsible of how I experienced myself and stand to correct myself to stop the experience of me as bad, shameful, guilty, regarding sexuality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed and angry when my mum said 'there must be something wrong with you if it keeps happening to you' as I took that as a judgement as a reflection of my own self judgement regarding myself and my hidden sexuality, missing out on the opportunity to in fact NOT take it personally which would have allowed me to see that there was something wrong with me in fact and that was what I had stored in me as me and then went and lived out in the Physical World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to speak up, in fear of losing the privilege of being liked and desired by men who represented the key and the door to my sexuality and so never wanting to close any door, just in case, just wording excuses such as, you are like a brother ' there is nothing wrong with you, it's me' and the list goes on, without seeing realizing and understanding that to NOT be Self Honest and tell myself What is the Freaking Pay back of all this Molestation, which of course was the point of being desired, an Ogre would do, I ended up blaming myself even when I had been trying to be as clear as possible, within the limitation of seductress character that I secretly played at all times around men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come to the con-clusion, that since it did not seem possible to have men keep their hands to themselves, their nasty comments, wolf whistles and generally any demeaning act they could come up with, I should capitalize on it and get on the command deck, where I would stir and move the manipulation of the Dickheads into the Direction that best served me as in, if you can't beat them, manipulate them and get something out for yourself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept such a world as 'normality' even when as a kid the suppressed sexual tension between all interactions physically scared me as I could see it weaved into every and any conversation, topic, attitude and yet no one else seemed to notice that there were 2 things leading the world and none of them were in the Hands of Women as Money and Sex, and I concluded we better get smart about it and in fact turn things around, either through Money to be able to stop the sexual favours we engage in at all times, given or promised or paraded and not delivered, or through Sex to get to the Money, because this world is a freaking fearful place to be without Money and Women were left with sex to get to the upper crust where the Money is, and so be it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reduce my sexual expression to a stock market, in which I was always trading something as it was driven into me that men wanted this thing I had to offer MORE than we did, or they would not offer to buy it, which tilted the market value of sex in my favour as the seller and that I should take full advantage of my position of being the owner of a stock which was so sought after and for which men were willing to give in, either the dough or something I could trade for a better, safer future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand, that we were built this way as sex and as the way we would interact with each other, but we do not have to accept this as who we are, we can stop and stand and say, I no longer trade for sex or money as a first individual step that we take to Change the World as Ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that, due to the extent of self judgement, shame and blame that I held toward myself when I saw that I crossed the line from Perceived Abused to Abuser, anything that came from men seemed in some way legitimized, not for the How I Carry Myself Without as in the excuse that I am not Making Up, wearing Heels or behaving in a seductive way, but for how I carry myself within, as the Abused Abuser, having molested myself to no end with sexuality issues stemming from suppression and judgement and so I have turned myself into a Light House for Molesters and Abusers as they see Me as I see/experience Me and then they see themselves as authorized to step into their Abuser Role as I move back into the Abused/Molested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, due to the way I perceived myself and my hidden secret participation in the Molester and Molested Game, I had no right to speak up and say NO, turning myself into the door mat of the Abusers Molesters as I ended up believing it was always my fault and that if I had not done this or that, said this or that, until it became a habit to look for what I did wrong while the Molester got away without notice, instead of standing up and voicing 'this is NOT what I want' because this issue has two sides, yet this is no Justification or a clean bill for Men who molest Children, as we are all the products of a very disturbed society and we have to STOP on both sides of the Coin and while I stop my participation as the Abused/Abuser I will voice what is acceptable and what is Not in My world and the world I want to live in as A World that is Best for All


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when a man stands in self justification for molesting a Child by saying things like 'You Crazy Bitch' or 'You are Dreaming' or "I don't know what you are talking about', it is not for me to feel ashamed as if I were all these things he said and if I don't know what I am talking about to the point that I no longer talk at all, because heavy breathing on your neck, a hard dick against your ass and fondling your behind or doctors who are supposed to look at your foot and pull down your panties, do not need to be told what they are doing, as THEY KNOW what they are doing, which is abusing their position of power either as an Adult vs a Child or as a Representative of some Organization/Institution such as the Medical/Educational/Religious and that standing up and saying NO I do not accept this is important for me and them too to realize that whatever fantasy they are playing out, it's just that, Their fantasy, which has nothing to do with the physical reality and as we all come to terms with the fact that we are psychopaths within our own Minds abusing each other we can stop and stand to change the world for Life and what is best for All

I commit myself to speak up against Abuses as I correct myself as the Self Abuser I have become so that Inward and Outward the World can Change, which is what we are doing with the proposal of an Equal Money System, in which all Mental Illnesses and dis-eases will be addresses and supported for correction so everyone can be equally supported to live behind their life of Abuse for LIFE to build a World where we are in fact proud to live and not ashamed and terrified for what we have created that we now have to walk as a ConSequence into Self Correction

I commit myself to delete my past as it comes up in pictures/thoughts and memories as I see realize and understand that the Past is Over and that I can only change My Past by not repeating it into time/stupidity loops to show myself that I saw where and how I was participating within a specific point and that I took responsibility for it, so as to not leave behind myself a trail of distorted/diseased relationships as the ones I made up in my mind based on abuse as the abused/abuser and One + One as we correct ourselves it will reflect into our World outside and what becomes possible as we walk away from our limitations, one + one.

Related articles

• Day 36 - Porn
• The epidemic of child molestation
• Day 96: Morality Character Self-Forgiveness statements
• Day 79: Blame Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 129: Please Molest me, Give me a Reason to Live.
• Day 131: Forgiveness and True Activism
• Day 128: Economic Slavery and True Activism

Day 99: Gossip and Back Chat Self Commitment

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into the commentary in my head relative to someone I have seen, spoken to, thought about, imagined, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that a commentary in my head is not supportive to others or myself, it's not aligned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All and it is in fact an act of self abuse and abuse, as I participate within judgement, ideas and Opinions that stand in the way of me seeing another as myself, and of stopping the separation of myself from others as an idea I have grown used to, that is not Real

When and as I see myself desiring to comment out loud., wanting to express what is going on in my Secret Mind as a way to prove that I am honest and not hiding stuff, I stop, breathe, remind myself that there is no way to be honest if my starting point is what has been going on in me as the Mind, that I am just desiring to move into the Gossip Character to offload my backchat and that I do not need to do so in fact, I can instead breathe until the commentary stops, apply SF in my mind if I am in no position to speak it out loud until the energetic desire to participate in gossip, under whatever name I am attempting to give it, has subsided and when I speak I make sure I am clear and only share what concerns me

When and as I see myself desiring to bond, to get close to someone, I remind myself that this is the situation in which I will move into gossiping and 'sharing secrets' and that the desire to get close to someone 'out there' is just a sign that I am not yet close to myself that in fact I desire the self honest relationship with myself that I have denied myself while I busied myself with others and their 'businesses' as a distraction in fear of what I would find if I did take the time to look into myself in self honesty and that I can reassure myself that it is only FEAR and not Real and in fact standing in the way between me and finally getting to know me, getting close to me and stopping the desire to get close to someone else 'out there' 

When and as I see myself getting lost or about to engage the commentary in my head regarding another being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that there is no honesty in my commentary as it has been built by Characters I have been interpreting that are not Real and have nothing of value to contribute but words to make myself as a Character more than others in fear of feeling less/diminished, instead I look at my desire to engage in this behavior, look for the cause and apply self forgiveness for having accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to another, which resulted in my desire to participate in the commentary that I was about to use to prove my superiority and the inferiority of another

When and as I see myself about to compare myself or inside the comparison game already, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that comparison and competition can only happen among Characters that live in Me as The Mind, as a database of experiences, ideas, beliefs and judgements is needed to be able to compare myself, instead I stop my comparison so I won't go into competition and then engage myself as the Gossip Backchat Character in the Hope to level the imaginary field I myself am creating and participating within

I commit myself to stop my existence as The Arrogant Character, to stop my participation in backchat and gossip, inward an outward, as I see realize and understand that every judgement is Self judgement and I no longer want to judge myself or others

I commit myself to consistently stop my backchats about others and when a thought arises that seems innocent, I stop, breathe, forgive my participation in such thought, keep breathing and walking until I accumulate breaths of Self correction to stop the existence of me as the Character of Arrogance, that fears diminishment while it seeks comparison just to win, fearing that the comparison is anyway going on in the minds of others, not seeing realizing and understanding that I only fear Myself as the creator of comparison and that I can stop and within this I commit myself to stop

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that comparison is useless and that it only leads to feelings of inadequacy and diminishment and to abuse as self abuse, and that a habit won't go away just because I wish it away, and so I commit myself to be diligent about keeping up the stopping, not feeding energy to this Character of Arrogance, so I may stand as the Self Directive principle of me as self correction to change myself inward and outward Equal and One

I commit myself to be patient with myself, to not judge myself to avoid denial of my Mind activities in fear of my own self judgement, instead I take myself by hand and commit to just keeping up the stopping, until the backchat and internal gossip about others stops, so I can stand clear and be an example of self honesty for myself, Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

Day 98: The Arrogant Character goes Underground as Backchat and Gossip

Having come to the conclusion that Arrogance is NOT Socially rewarded, nor was rewarded within my family unless it was called something else, like 'being the best, the most beautiful, the best dressed, the most stilish' as attributes of value, the Arrogance Character moved underground, and set up shop within The Secret Mind.

This by no means shows that it was gone, it was just hidden, entertained within the secrecy of my own Mind or with 'close' friends, other people who would have Gossips of Value to share, because like in everything there is a market Value to Gossips and Secrets, the more outrageous, the more they wished to stay Secret, the Highest their market Value.

As a result of this another Character developed, which was the 'I share All of Myself Character' which was/is as devious as all the others because by no means everything is shared, as that would put me in an undesired position of vulnerability, but the things to share would be weighted on the 'Secret Market', given a value, and used for exchanges of secrets, hopefully fishing out more interesting secrets than the Ones given up in the Trade.

The amount of backchats and comments that were and still are running in my mind about everybody is quite relevant as the Arrogant Character is always seeking for points of value in another to diminish, to level the playfield so that it would never have to feel 'less than another' while failing to see that it is because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own diminishment relative to experiences and relationships that did not come out 'Picture Perfect' as they have been defined and filed in my Mind as the desirable Standard, that this Character exists in the first place, seeking to be more in fear of being less, desiring to be special in fear of NOT being special, not wanting to be Equal because Equal stands in the way of my specialness, and then where would I get my Value from?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and deny my Arrogant Character, because I did not want to face the shame and the embarrassment I feel for what I get up to when I accept and allow myself to embody this Character, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed for embodying my Arrogant Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when someone says 'you are arrogant' feeling as if I have been called out, ineffective in covering up what really goes on in My Mind, instead of seeing and realizing that it is because I fear losing my cover and being exposed that I react and not because of what someone says about me being Arrogant, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being called out and exposed as 'Arrogant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disclosing this Character because, if I do, then I have to Change and lose my right to diminish others in my mind and I will then have to face all the points where I have diminished myself, made myself less, put value on things outside of myself searching for value in separation from myself as Self Value and Self Worth Here in and as Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the Change and the loss of my privilege to secretly gossip about others in my mind and my chance to allow the commentary about everyone I approach to run unchecked, while I pretend it's not happening

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gossip about others as a way to feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gossip and secrets as something that I could trade on the Market of Gossip and Secrets, using them as a currency to gain trust and open doors that I perceived and believed would be otherwise locked unless a trade of secrets and gossip would take place to cement a partnership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some friends are closer than others and with them it's normal and allowed to gossip, because this is what close friends do, to let each other know how special they are to each other, pretending to share everything while the only sharing that takes place is about others and their secrets and what one wants to share to uphold the Character through which the interaction is taking place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to notice that having secrets is weird in the first place, as secrets imply that they must be stored somewhere, away from public eyes, away from my own eyes as well, sometimes, without considering that wherever I stored secrets that I loaded with guilt and shame they would be bound to fester and rot and create a Secret Mind with a life of its own, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge secrets within my secret Mind with guilt and shame and for feeling guilt and shame relative to secrets

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that having secrets that cannot be shared means that we will never be able to trust one another, as each one will be too busy trying to work out what is the other one keeping secret and why, and that to build a different world we will have to give up all our secrets to show each other who we really are and what have accepted and allowed ourselves to become so we can stand in and as Self Correction as the Self Directive principle of Oneness and Equality and What is best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing this point because what if someone I know will read and judge me and think 'ah, so this is what you have done the whole time, you bitch', failing to see I fear my own judgement of myself and this is why I keep this Character secret just like I keep other Characters secrets because Characters are a sign of Mental disorders I do not want to share with the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that what I did to others in my secret mind and with friends, they would do to me, accepting and allowing myself to live a life of paranoia, thinking 'what do they think, what will they say' allowing my fear of the judgement of others about my life to run my choices or the choices I pretended to make so I could get a favorable review for my Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate why and how I started to run an internal commentary about every person I met or had an exchange with, even though the commentary was offering opinions and thoughts I was not in agreement with or I saw they were not benevolent in nature, yet I allowed and accepted myself to participate in them anyway, blaming the others for the commentary that was obviously born because they were THAT way and not as something born out of my sick mind that needs to be rooted out and rewritten to be realigned to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less than people that said 'I can keep a secret,' because I could not as I saw that secrets were currency within my Secret Mind, keys to favors and good feelings to share with others while I exposed friends and family just for the energetic charge that I would get by painting them as the vile and wrong ones while I painted myself as the good and right one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I exposed this point, it would be another layer of known 'communication skills' that I would have to give up and then I would not know what to talk about if not about others and gossips and secrets, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not giving up anything of value and this is not a SKILL but a rotting point within me that I want to let go and change as I realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other people's lives as comparison with mine to see who was living the best life, the most righteous, looking for points in which I could prove their unworthiness to cover up my own feelings of unworthiness and unrighteousness and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was unworthy and wrong/bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that gossiping is normal, that it happens behind all closed doors as I saw my grandparents do it, waiting for 'a friend' to leave their presence and then cutting them down to shreds, deluding myself that I was better than that because I would not so OBVIOUSLY do such a thing, but would go about it in a more refined way, choosing my words carefully as to not be exposed as a gossiper but as a caring worried friend that had their best outcome at heart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my words irresponsibly, carelessly, just for my own energetic rushes that would always leave me with mixed feelings as I failed to realize that every judgement is just Self judgement and that whatever I could see in another I could only see, and assume because it existed in me, as me and I preferred to point it out in them as them than facing Me, standing up in Self responsibility to Change myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate memories and events in my mind of facts that happened so I could tell 'my side of the story' which was just that, a story that I made up in alignment with the Characters I tried to protect and defend, whose existence I believed to be my own existence as me, as who I really am and for fearing losing my identity as a personality, a Character that I failed to see was never Real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that the gossips I spread would come up and that I would have to face my absolute lack of respect for other human beings, One and Equal to me, just to protect my own identity as The Non Gossiper, the One Above Gossiping so I could keep on Gossiping and get away with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the consequences of my gossiping, the damages I created in other people's lives as in the gossiping I was exposing their Characters that I had sworn to support and uphold through the game of friendship as they swore to support and uphold mine so we could keep on pretending to be separate, and not One and Equal and stand to stop this Self destructive game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't know how to stop the gossiping because I don't know what is the right thing to say to not engage in gossip as a way to get close to someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is no right thing to say, unless it is a Character looking for its script that is posing the question, and that when I will be faced with the chance, opportunity, desire to gossip I can stop, breathe and speak in the Here moment according to my Self Directive Principle of no longer participating in Gossiping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn onto the worldwide gossiping scene, through magazine and gossip news, when I tried to kick the habit, moving into gossiping about movie stars and public figures, believing that there is no harm in that since I do not know them and they do not know me, failing to see that it is not about them in any way, or about people that I do not know as in the direct damage I can cause, it is about me and who I accept and allow myself to be within the desire to diminish others and be happy about their failures just so that I can feel better about myself and my poor excuse for a life, as I switch from One Character to another while I fail to be Here in and as Breath and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to be Here in and as Breath and for not consistently remind myself to Breathe and earth myself instead of getting lost in and as The Mind and the Characters I play

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself within gossiping, accepting and allowing myself to believe that some gossips are better and less harmful than others, instead of just stopping my internal commentary, breathing, reminding myself every time I see any movement or reaction or judgement about another being that it is Self in front of me and that I no longer allow myself to participate in thinking or speaking or moving in self judgement and externalized self judgement toward another as I stand in Self Correction to realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is best for All.

Tomorrow will follow with Self Corrective and Self Commitment Statements

Day 48: I Have a Dream

I have had a few interesting dreams since I have started to walk my process of Self Correction. One thing I have seen is that I have moved from horror dreams to 'dreamy dreams', possibly as I have decided that I would rather face the horrors of me when awake than when sleeping.

When I was a kid I hated to go to sleep, once in the bed and about to sleep I had a feeling of being sucked into a black spiral and of falling, which led me to develop the habit of sleeping against the wall, it was the same as being drunk and it would happen only when I closed my eyes in that moment just before 'falling asleep', the falling was actually real.

When I smoked pot I used to move from awake to fainting into sleep, so I skipped that moment for which I still held fears, even though 'the falling into nothingness' seemed to fade as I grew up.

Last night I had a few dreams, I always hoped to be able to go 'back' into a dream, when I get up to pee at night I hope to go to the toilet in a zombie state, trying to not wake up too much just 'hoping' I may get back to where I was just before waking up, specifically if the dream was 'good'. I never managed this, once a dream stops, the mind moves on to the next storyline.

The one that I remembered this morning was me meeting a guy, we were in Asia, I assumed at one point that we were in Thailand, there was great chemistry between us, there were hints and words to show me how happy he had been to meet me, he was a successful artist -I think- I remember clearly evaluating him and checking if he would have stood as a 'valuable 'option for myself, he did. We met his ex wife and 2 kids, surprisingly his 2 kids were monkeys or monkey like, this can be due to a comment I once heard from a German guy in Thailand that said, the Thais were Monkeys and I felt particularly offended because he had married 2 Thai Women and had kids and I could not reconcile his stance inside me.

In the dream I remember wanting to show him how good I was with his monkey kids and how much they loved me, just to impress him.

I don't recall the sex, only the anticipation and him asking me 'do you want me to take you now ?' in a sort of annoyed way, probably because I showed my impatience for sex and implying I should reply NO because giving in too easily and NOT allowing this build up would have made me cheap in his eyes.

The clue of the dream was a feeling of how far I have been willing to go in my life to 'be liked by a man' and to be able to believe that I was 'valuable', something I have criticised about my mother and I have lived out with a different twist, not like her, showing she did not feel she was valuable as this was evident to me, but pretending that I believed I was worthy and valuable and a 'real prize', just to in fact be nothing more than the carbon copy of my mother and all the women of my family who would have given up everything for a man just to be loved and cherished, a job none of us was willing to do for ourselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself and for not being here for myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sleeping as a child and the moment I would spiral out into nothingness to the point that I had to hold the bed to not perceive myself as disappearing into the void, fearing I may never return

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the void of sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to oversleep as a way to not be Here but lost somewhere in my imaginary world, without having to feel responsible or guilty for my participation in alternate realities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as alternate realities instead of pushing myself to be Here in Breath from which I do not desire to run away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to run away from me as The Mind, looking for an imaginary solace in my sleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if and when I am loved by a man I am more worthy than when I am not because my own love and my own being here for myself are not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for desiring a relationship with a man and for suppressing this desire denying that I desired a man that loved and cherished me while I did not love/cherished myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself or other women for desiring a relationship because I disliked how my mum became inside a relationship giving up all of herself to be loved and cherished by a man, instead of seeing I disliked myself because I knew I desired a relationship and that I would do the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men and relationships because I blamed them for who and what I accepted and allowed as myself within a relationship to be accepted and loved instead of seeing I feared myself and what I was willing to do to get that love and acknowledgement from a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be swept off my feet instead of seeing that when I am swept off my feet I am not grounded and I separate myself from Self Here while I dis-earth myself for positive feedback and love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dis-earth myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent hearing racist comments about Asian people instead of seeing I held my own racist comments and just did not express them in fear that I would be judged/would judge myself as being a racist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some races are more worthy than others based on an imaginary value that I have accepted and allowed as me as the definition of all of us within a monetary/value system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a man that makes me look good in front of others, that gives me face and gives me a good image, not realizing I have chased imaginary ideas and beliefs regarding what can give me value and worth in separation from myself as life Here in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy women who have relationships because they can be loved and cherished instead of seeing I envied the imaginary feelings I would have access to through a relationship that would make me feel better about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel good about myself so I spent my life looking for ways to feel good about myself, instead of questioning the Polarity of this existence as our starting point and looking for ways to step out of any polarity game to bring myself back to earth in and as Breath, as stability of Self as Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships and what they do to me instead of seeing that no one has ever done anything to me but me and that I can stop in the moment I stop existing as someone who looks for energy fixes to give myself a high that will unavoidably will be followed by a low

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'dream' about the day when I would meet my soul mate and my life would finally be sorted out instead of seeing I am the one who must sort myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sex and my being unable to step out of the mind to experience myself in and as the physical because I fear all the sexual trash I have put in my mind over the years that may condition both how I behave and how I feel within a sexual experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a kind gentleman next to me and for then ask for rough sex as a way to feel intensity and desire that gave me a sense of value, distorting the nature of the men that I chose for their qualities and then wanted to change into something else to satisfy my Mind/Energy desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose men for their potential and never for who they were, and for then trying to change them in the way they looked and behaved so I could feel satisfied that I was mirrored back effectively as someone that understood and bent to the requirement of the system in terms of how to behave and how to dress and how to interact with others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Relationships because I fear I will still manipulate and try to have it my way in my search for value and worth and I won't allow another to just be and self express instead of seeing that i am not my past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not good material for a relationship due to my past behaviours instead of seeing I am not my past unless I accept and allow myself to be defined by it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is nothing I would not do for a man to prove my worth instead of seeing that this belief about myself shows another point of worthlessness of and as me that I have lived throughout my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal to worthlessness, seeking value and worth outside of myself while I was unable to see that worth and value of me as Self exist Here in every moment of Breath

When and as I see myself moving into memories or about to move into memories of past relationship and 'good moments within them' as a way to feed my desire for and as relationship, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in memories of who I have been that I have used to define myself and that I wish to STOP my participation in and as the past, in and as memories so I may embrace myself Here from which I can create a different future for myself, Breath by Breath

When and as I see myself suppressing or about to suppress the desire for a relationship that may arise when I meet a man I am physically attracted to, I stop, breathe, remind myself that my next relationship if I should have one cannot be based on the same parameters that I have used to choose in the past because I know where those roads lead, but I will stand for and as Life and walk into an agreement only and if I am ready for it, when and if I am ready for it, choosing what is Best for me and Best for all

When and as I see myself regretting what could have been with my ex husband if I had this understanding of how to manage my thoughts feelings and emotions when I was married, I stop, breathe, remind myself that the past is past, and that the end of my relationship is the consequence I have manifested for me to walk of all my backchats made of fears, judgements, ideas and beliefs, and that there is no point about regretting if not the point of seeing what did not work out and what were the patterns I played out so as to not repeat them again

I commit myself to stop my existence as the desire for relationships, romance, being loved and cherished and I stand to walk myself into and as the unconditional self acceptance of me Here in every moment of Breath, so as to never ask another to do for me what I am not willing to do for myself

I commit myself to stop dreaming and suppressing my desires of and as relationships and love, so that I can stop my existence as the distractions of delusional desires and Start Living

Day 42: The Lone Ranger - Support vs Harassment

I have started to doubt that when I do reply to people or contact them to 'make a point', I am in fact harassing them vs supporting them.

This is because when I do not see 'the benefits' meaning 'an outcome', meaning suddenly hundreds of people joining the Forums or a river of people getting excited about Equal Money I believe I have failed and therefore I have not effectively supported them or 'they would have gotten the message'.

This proves that I doubt myself being effective in the 'deliverance' of the message, instead of seeing that it is nothing personal but it is controversial message, in comparison to all the 'feel good/angelic/love and light' ones, and that as one of my friend told me here in Italy, there is nothing wrong with the message or how we are trying to spread it, in the sense of effectiveness, it is about people Not Wanting to Hear It, which is not the same thing as taking this point personally and making a big deal out of it.

When I see how I heard the MessAge I cannot pin point the exact moment when everything seemed to finally make sense, because I remember the extensive resistance I first felt for not wanting to give up my idea of benevolence regardless to the evidence of the world staring me in the face, yet I kept exposing myself to it, dragging myself to it because even what I did not get, something in me got it, it was Brutal and Honest, it was about 'take off the blindfolds of Love and Light' and just look around to face Yourself.

And when I could no longer deny that something was and is in fact terribly wrong with this world it was a Self Realization, nobody stands out as having convinced me of anything nor was I drawn to Desteni, nope, I was NOT drawn to Desteni at all, it did not resonate with who I was and what I wanted to believe, yet the message was consistent and clear, did I want a change in this world ? Then I had to change myself, period.

So for someone like me flying on the Love and Light cloud the descent on planet Earth was not only not appealing but something I resisted, when I go back to seeing my initial approach to Desteni I can see through my own experience what many others are probably going through the same points as me with this MessAge, it is not about me not being effective, as in finding ways to string words together efficiently, but it is the Message itself that is being resisted.

Which brings me to the other point, that since B, told me my words may have an impact, I took that message to mean I have a DUTY AND a license to kill, I have placed a Double 00  in front of my name, I gave myself a Desteni Badge and I am now the (Self) Elected Sheriff, Patrolling the Internet, so I have had and still doing quite some equalizing on this point, even more than before, because before when I had no acknowledgement or had not been given the double 00, according to my mind, I was more sure of myself or had not set 'targets' for myself, I would see a point where Common Sense was lacking and try to post Common Sense about it, simple easy peasy, expecting nothing from it, not the conversion of people nor the positive feedback from Desteni because I was walking the process but not yet in acknowledgement.

Since that chat I have been fucking with myself quite consistently, in the sense that I tried to no longer speak just for myself but for 'The Group' which is in fact a mindfuck, because I can only speak for myself and for what is Best for All, and I cannot ever hope to speak for The Group, because we are a Group as Life, yet we exist individually and I cannot cover the points others among us may have seen and Self Realized but just what 'I" have seen and Self Realized and are walking into existence.

So time to stop the mindfuck and the harassment of myself and others, I am not the Lone Ranger here, just a common person that is standing up in Self Support and support of others when I see a chance, yet I will no longer hold expectations on the outcome because this leads to me feeling and judging myself as ineffective and that can only happen if I have set an effectiveness target in my mind as 'turnover' or  'recruiting' which is not Real, I am nor recruiting, nobody can be recruited into Desteni and Desteni is not recruiting or having 'turnover' head counts, Desteni is an Open Space that stands for Equality and Oneness, everyone is welcome but no one is dragged into it because unless One Self Realizes that a Change is needed and it must start with Each One of Us, they would not be having a Self realization but would have been scared there or pulled there, whichever way they would not have had a chance to exercise their 'Free Will' and self directive principle into Standing in and as Life to change themselves and the world to What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear posting comments and therefore for posting anyway forcing myself when in Fear, because I believed I am on a mission on behalf of God, like the Blues Brothers, instead of looking at the point of why I fear moving into some territories that I have judged more and beyond me so I can equalize myself before seeing clearly if my posting is supportive or if it's just me on the attack trying to prove that I'm in fact not scared to post and not inferior to the territory/people I am wanting to approach, instead of clearing my fears before and then eventually post.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my self righteousness because in my self righteousness I would try to make the other person less than me or to prove they are fucking with themselves when in fact I am still fucking with myself and I could spend the time working out my own points into equality and oneness and then stand as an example of what Equality and Onenessmeans as Support of Others as self Support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and desiring to be self righteous as a way og gaining value over another because I am right and they are wrong, or trying to make them wrong so I can be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to check everyday the Forum to see if we have new people coming as a point I use to measure my effectiveness in writing, instead of seeing my effectiveness in writing is determined by me and by how I walk my process in writing to Change myself into Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may not know what to say or to fear that the comments I leave may be coming from my Ego, instead of applying the tool of checking with myself if I am coming from a reactive place, Breathe and if no reaction exists in and as me just post without judging my posts but trusting that I have posted what would have supported me in the same situation of blindness and stop 'thinking' that I am trying to bring the person down or mock them, just because I used to do this, when I see that to not be true by the point of having checked with myself and having cleared myself before I wrote, I am not my Past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that now I must post for the Group bestowing on myself an impossible task that I could never accomplish because we are a Group in our stand for and as Life to manifest What is best for All, yet each one of us is walking an individual process of realignment and I couldn't through the biggest effort, cover all the angles of all of us within the Group, nor it is my task to do so, but to simply post my own common sense where I see an opportunity to engage someone in offering a perspective that may not have been considered

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an outcome from the comments I post, because when there is no outcome I judge myself as ineffective as I apply the Capitalistic Marketing Tools and Measuring Tools, to the spreading of a message of Equality and Oneness, that is not like a product people may want to buy of which they don't know the existence, this is a Message that we could have all worked out by ourselves, to Give as You would Like to Receive, yet we didn't because we did not want to, because our lives were working and so it is possible that some lives may have to come crashing down like many of our lives at Desteni, when nothing worked anymore and so we are not better or ahead of others, we were just accelerated by Life into our landing on the planet and we'll be Here to assist the other landings when they take place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am now the Lone Ranger, having been given license to kill, which I have interpreted and then used against myself, adding one extra layer of fuckedupness to my process in which I had to now watch that I wouldn't pull the guns out when it was not in fact required or supportive and added an extra fear to my participation, having mistaken the acknowledgement of my acquired ability to string words together effectively, with the idea that now it is MY DUTY to string the words together as marketing tools, bringing customers to the Desteni Enterprise, which exists only in My Mind, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I do is only important if it has a return and not just as a measure of who I am and what I stand for, without any string attached

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself under pressure about an imaginary duty that I now have to string together words to the maximum efficiency to recruit, which is an outflow of the point I have described above, because I am either selling or recruiting as I'm still walking the point of understanding what it means to do something just for myself, just to express common sense for those that are ready to hear and not as a mission to have something in return to confirm that I am doing good and well as a way to gain value for myself, instead of seeing the value of me is the value of me as Life to which nothing needs or is required to be added but by me as the Mind who lives in fear and isolation in the separation from Breath and Life and All there Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my support may be read as harassment , because when I wanted to hold on to Love and Light, if someone came knocking on my Love and Light door I would have felt Harassed and I would have resented the awakening from my own delusion, instead of seeing I am projecting on others what I believe I would have felt in the same situation, which is just an assumption of my mind with no relation to reality, so I accept that it doesn't matter how others feel about what I post because what I think and feel is my responsibility and what others think and feel is their responsibility and a point for them to deal  with, not because I don't want to assist or I want to wash my hands about it, but because I can't and I never will be the source of the experiences of another within them as I don't have such power and so I cannot take their response-ability on their behalf but only on my behalf for what goes on and every reaction that moves within me

I forgive myself for not trusting myself because I am still new to walking Self Trust as me and I accept that I will have to build this Self Trust through Self Honesty and Self Corrective application, until my Without and my Within are Equal and One and I stand Equal and One to Life and existence for What is best for All

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into judgements or thoughts about what I am about to post on Facebook or Twitter, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that I must check that there is no reaction within me, if there is any, I Breathe until it stops or write it out and Self Forgive it and only when I am clear from ideas and judgements and Desires to achieve any outcome, I may post in and as support of another as me, to bring about a point of clarity and to share what I have self realized about existence and then in one Breath I let it go and trust that those aligned with the message and able to hear it will hear it and those that are not ready to hear it will not and it has nothing to do with me as in something personal as me Not being Effective

When and as I see myself holding the smoking gun, I delete my post before I post it, remind myself I am NOT the Lone Ranger and I am not out to harass people and I better stop and see why I have had the desire to attack, clear myself and if I cannot find a point of stability within a post, it means that I am not yet  Equal and One to that post, so I refrain from posting because this is not a race or a job I have to accomplish like the traffic warden by 'fining' a certain numbers of cars per day, I only post when and if I see something relevant and a point I can support for and as myself as self support

I commit myself to live Self trust as me and to build Self Trust through Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application to improve my communication skills supporting others One and Equal to me, as Self Support.

Day 39: The Courage to Live

Yesterday Creation's Journey to Life Blog was about 'The Courage to Live'.

As it has happened to me in the past weeks, some of  'Creation's Blogs' build up like Opera inside of me, to an escalating point, and like the Opera, they always lead to tears.

Mostly they show me where and how I have not been on this planet at all, how I have managed to 'walk like an Egyptian' through existence, turning both cheeks whenever necessary because I lacked 'the Courage to Live'.

I am not faulting myself or others for this, we had no examples of what 'living' meant for real and how we could work toward that, yet, the simple realization that I have lacked the courage to Live and that I have used the word Courage in separation from me to express ludicrous Acts of Evil, like Courageous Acts of Wars or martyrdom or being eaten by lions as Courage, brought me to tears.

Yet with a bit of common sense I could have seen that the Courage to do as you are told, like going to war or being eaten by lions for an ideal that was never ours but implanted is not Courage but submission, martyrdom is just another act of submission to the religious system, self flagellation is an act of submission and fear, mostly all the acts of Courage I have valued and connected to the word 'Courage' were in facts acts of Fear, as martyrs saw their sacrifice as a chance to get good grades and into Heaven in Fear of the Afterlife, and acts like self flagellation were the self punishment to get ahead of the game in fear of Hell, being eaten by lions, well, this was in fact not a choice since it seems that after the Romans we have not kept up the practice to show our Courage, so going into an Arena to be eaten by lions was like war, something we were told we had to do, it was that or death, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Yet, the biggest Courage I have had to summon in my life was to stand up in and as self correction in and as the Mind, when I realized I was in fact a living example of Self Abuse, and as I had already worked out that We are the Creator of Our Own reality, I had to wonder, where was my Self Abuse going if not into the manifestations of the Abuses of the World ?

How is it possible to BeLieve that we create the good only, just because We Want It ? Then WHO is creating the ugliness of the world ? This is a point worth investigating, because it's not What We Do that determines who we are, it's Who We Are that determines What We Do.

"I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'

These were the sentences that yesterday drove me to tears, the first one because I realized how little common sense I have applied in my Life regarding the point of questioning the Abuses of this world and how much I did to not want to look at what was going on, and the second for it's simplicity, a commitment to the Courage to Live, that is no small feat since I realized that I am not Alive Yet and I never was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it takes courage to die, when in fact it takes courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Living and for hiding in and as The Mind throughout my life without ever giving myself a chance to experience Life in the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Courage is shown in the face of Fear, which disqualifies me from having ever been courageous having always Feared living and not having stood up for and as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Brave Ones are the ones that dare to do what I don't dare to do, like dying, because I feared dying and no longer existing and yet I feared living and having to make the Decision of Who I Am and Who I Want to Be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave back doors for myself from which I believe I may one day escape Process instead of seeing I have stood up for Life and there is no going back and leaving backdoors only shows my half assed commitment because I have never committed full heartedly to anything because I lacked the Courage to do so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that going to the Army and to War, dying for God and What You Believe in, and displaying a carelessness for Life vs ideas, opinions and beliefs was an act of Courage instead of seeing, it takes Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sleeping my afternoons away or not engaging fully in Life is a treat, instead of seeing this is my way of showing that I rather not be Here and face myself full time until I can stand up and Live but fade away into spaces of oblivion that I use to re-ward myself for having done something that I am supposed to do like writing my daily Blog

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress judgements about myself that led me to laziness instead of looking for the starting point of my judgements so I may release them and become more effective at my daily participation of myself in and self correction to stand up as Life for Life, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life as who I am and what I have become, because it looks like such a monumental task to deconstruct myself as the busy bee that I have been into building up all my honey cells in which I could imprison myself so I would not have to stand up and commit myself to the Courage to Live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for how I have lived and what I have become in relation to my carelessness for a world of suffering, a world that is me as All There Is and my Creation as the suppression of everything of me I have separated myself from, instead of for-giving myself step by step to release myself and others from my participation in and as The Mind which is a monstrosity of backchats and polarities that I have allowed myself to accumulate to the point that I believe I lack the courage to face it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Living is a burden and that I wished to not be alive because I never understood what was the purpose of this mockery of life we call existence until I met Desteni and then it took me months to build up the courage to create enough capacity inside of me to be able to grasp how it is that we exist as we exist and what is required from each one of us to be done to change ourselves and the World, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don't have the courage to read Heaven's Blogs because I feel so disheartened by both the amount of information and the implications of what this existence really means and what we have done through eons of time to build up this shithole called existence in which we now find ourselves as the Manifested Consequence of our separation from Life, Oneness and Equality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I may lack the Courage to look at reality and what we have created without wanting to just kill myself and be done with it all because it's too big and convoluted and how are we gonna get out of this is still unknown to me, instead of seeing I have had other points I lacked the capacity to take on board at the beginning, like Veno's Structural Resonance explanation, but now that I am on lesson 10 of my DIP and I went back to the Resonance Information, I am not as scared and I have in fact created capacity inside of me through Self Forgiveness to be able to see and take on more responsibility for Creation and my part in it, so I have to accept it's a process, and processes don't have quantum leaps, unless they are delusions of the Mind, as this process has to be walked backward in time, until I will see how I have created myself into this point of extensive all encompassing separation and one point of separation at the time I am able to Self Correct through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application while I keep walking to Birth myself as Life into the Physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear Life to the point that  created fake personalities to pretend to live and never be bothered by the question 'is this Life' because my personalities were created around the ideas and beliefs I made up about what living is and my acceptance and allowance that I better accept things as they are and make the most of it or I would just destroy myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, that when I feared destroying myself I feared the end of the existence of me as the Mind Consciousness System to which I gave up my power to be the Self Directive Principle of my Life because I embraced the idea that I had a path laid out for me, which was nothing else than my preprogrammed life in which I walked into without asking questions, given that my preprogrammed life was not as bad as the life of some others on the planet and I could 'live' with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by this Creation when I saw the extent to which this Mind enslavement has taken us and theTraps we have walked into that I have accepted and allowed to define WHO I AM, instead of seeing I was always the only one brutalizing myself through my own participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions, the trinity of Creation of the delusions of my Mind that I then walked into physical reality, desiring to blame my life and what I accepted and allowed myself to become on others so I would not have to take self responsibility and stand up to as Life to start to Live and not to think and imagine I was living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not Brave/Courageous, because I would have NEVER died for God, instead of seeing that one point as a moment of Sanity in my Life in which I saw through the deception of existence and I rathered Live than Die for an Imaginary Heaven Abiding Hateful Spiteful Merciless Creator

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my courage by my willingness to die for some 'cause' meaning be-cause someone said it would be a good idea, going to war, being a martyr or being eaten by lions, instead of realizing that Courage is not in the willingness to die but in the Self Will to Live, to stand up and stop my own existence as a robotic preprogrammed unit of self destruction and destruction, accepting that I do have the power to change and that since I have just lived out programs, that I have written myself through my acceptances and allowances of my de-finitions of ME, about who I was, it will be a matter of deleting these programs through self-forgiveness and rewriting me, having the Courage to rewrite myself on the nothingness I am aiming for so that I can become Self Honesty and build myself as Self Trust and Self Worth and become the foundation in and as the new world that I wish to be and be a part of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what B. writes, because we started with a 7 year project, that became 14 and now we are at 28 years to change the world, and I fear if I keep reading we'll get to 56 and then 112 as it seems to go up exponentially and I fear I may not have the courage to participate in a project that is like planting a Date Tree for which who plants it will never see the bearing of the fruits, instead of seeing I don't need the courage to project myself to the end of this project, but just the Courage to stand up Daily, like they say at the AA meetings, because I am an energy junkie in recovery, one day at the time will do, one step at the time will do, One Breath at the time will build up Breaths that I have spent and invested in Life and Breaths count and if they won't count for me they will count for those that come after me, as me, One and Equal, to no longer have to live in and as a Debt System, but be liberated and have a chance to be born free in a world of support for All, One and Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I may lack the Courage to Live, because I never lived and I am not even sure if I need Courage to Live or I need courage to stop pretending to be Alive according to my idea and beliefs and opinions of what being alive is, so I can Live

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into fear of living and desire to just sleep as a treat, in which I accept and allow myself to believe that sleeping is in fact better than living because I am NOT Here, and I don't have to face the truckload of shit I have accumulated and called my Human Experience because I fear the judgement of how much I have to clear due to my own self judgement of how much I have fucked up, so I stop myself from judging my fuck ups as more than others, in a slimy attempt to find worth and moreness in the negative side, having failed at the positive side, and accept that we are in fact All Equally fucked in and as the Mind, no one is special even in the fuckedupness, so I can see and realize that my walk is no different from the walk of others out of a Human Experience as a system of abuse and I no longer want to live in and as that, and that Courage is in Breathing, Here, and so I bring myself back  HERE consistently, I will myself back here as the Self Directive Principle of me and no longer as a Puppet of Energy and the Mind

When and as I see myself moving or about to move into autopilot of the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions, I stop,  Breathe, remind myself, autopilot is a design of Fear, and fear doesn't make good designs nor designs that are based on What is Best for All or what is Best for me and that I have decided to stop my abdication of Self Responsibility to Autopilot and get back at the helm of my life and that I have to accept that sometime I may catch myself already into autopilot but the Breathing will disengage me and bring me back Here to live as the Self Directive Principle of my Life, where I can embrace myself wherever I am and stand up in and as Courage to start living and standing in and as Life, Equal and One.

I commit myself to be Courageous in challenging with Common Sense every point where abuse of Life has become the justified way of Life of the human race.

I commit myself to the Courage to Live.'