Day 241: Looking for Purpose - Equine Nutrition anyone?

A commercially prepared grain mix for horses, includes crimped corn, oats, and barley mixed with molasses and pelleted supplement (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of months ago I went through a period of 'looking for purpose, looking for a meaning' to Life.

I did not see it this way at the time, I saw myself instead broadening my horizons by subscribing to the New Free Open University Classes, I chose 5 subjects, Drugs and the Brain, 3 classes on Nutrition and Health and 1 class of Equine Nutrition.

The first class was quite a pain, Drugs and the Brain, it was very focused on biochemistry but I can't remember the little chemistry I did at school and so watching all the 3D molecule composition and learning all the medical terms for the brain parts was a bore, I stopped at the first class, went through a little guilt as I played out all the things I left mid way in my life and then moved on. Two days ago I received the notice that the Equine Nutrition course was about to start. WOW.

Since 2 months ago my life has filled up with commitments, I started teaching Italian to foreigners 2 to 3 evenings a week, I have 2 regular students for English classes and now, since yesterday, I found a lady that needs to come for massages, a lot of them, because she wore a corrective corset for 20 years and she has a host of problems and she is happy with my massage, which means she will recommend me to someone else, hence I seem to have finally broken through into the system and to have found my own place so to speak.

So when the notice came about the Equine Nutrition course it stood out like something pretty absurd, I live in a city, I have seen horses close by probably 4 times in my life, I live on the 5th floor with a terrace, certainly not a place for a horse, so there can be only 2 points that have attracted me to this course, one that it was Free and as a good system slave I have to load up on Free stuff, the other that I was projected in a potential hypothetical future, such as 'if I sell this house and I move to Bulgaria and I ever get to see a horse -cos owning one would be too much anxiety since I know nothing about horses-, or if I visit the farm one day, I can make myself useful because I have this Equine Nutrition knowledge. (??)

The point that I was looking for purpose, because my Life is still defined by what I do, I can see it now because as I found 'a purpose/ a meaning' I am less jittery, I finally exist in some place within the system, a system I doubted I could ever re-enter, hence at the time the idea to get some more -albeit useless- knowledge in fear of not existing as I feared I had no purpose and as such no meaning and my existence as a whole to be an utterly useless disgrace, seemed more than appealing, it seemed 'the right thing to do.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for purpose/meaning because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life Here in and as Breath is not enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define value and worth according to 'what I do' and not to 'who I am' in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Knowledge is a source of meaning/purpose and that through knowledge I can pile up value/worth for myself no matter how useless is the knowledge I subscribe to, in my search for meaning and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in Free Stuff, because I accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the Consumerism point that when something comes for free in a world where I have accepted and allowed for Life to go on sale and where I have to buy my right to live, it's a bargain that can't be passed on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world where we have to buy our right to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put value in Free stuff for me vs a Free Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when looking for classes that I could benefit from and learn something that could have a practical physical application for me as what is best for all, to not consider what are my real skills and how can I best put them at the service of Life but to rely on stories I made up in my mind that were not real because they are not Here, such as a horse to feed or heal, and for losing myself in my mind in fear of walking breath by breath to build a reality I could live with, I forgive myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't have the patience to walk breath by breath a solution for myself and my life because I have accepted and allowed myself to lose trust in myself as I walked back to Italy exactly to who I was before I left, leaving behind 17 years of life and life skills just because I lived as a personality both here and abroad and now I have not yet learned how to make those skills one and equal to me and not personality based, and for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into personality plays in an attempt to never face the truth of how I experienced myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the notice of the Equine Nutrition course came through, to feel dumb as the reality of not having a horse or being close to having a horse or having plans to own a horse dawned on me and I felt I was not in touch with reality and then I proceeded to feel guilty and ashamed for being so disconnected as to not be able to assess what is the best course of action to take in any given moment, and for giving in to the experience that I am hopeless if I could not see the point that I don't need an Equine Nutrition class, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement when I realized why I subscribed to these classes as a point of seeking for value/worth, meaning and purpose in separation from myself as value and worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I gave up the 'Drugs and Brain' course because I realized I didn't have the background to follow without piling up tons of additional chemistry knowledge for which I did not have any practical useful application, to feel guilty and run a commentary of all the other times in which I have not taken something to completion instead of just assessing how supportive this choice I made was and if not supportive, moving on

When and as I see myself about to make a decision, I stop, Breathe, if I see that I am fuzzy about the Whys of my movements, I write down what I see as supportive and as non supportive about my decision to clear the fog, see if there is any energetic movement in what I have written down and if there is, correct myself through Self forgiveness so that I won't be making decisions motivated by fear or in search of some imaginary goals but decisions I can live with and walk for myself and what is best for all



I commit myself to stop making decisions in haste, or while seeking for value and meaning as I see realize and understand that there is no other purpose to be here but to correct the consequences we created by living in haste never considering all points of the equations we walk, and I commit myself to make sure I make sound decisions for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System which will assist in forever removing the illusion of external Worth and Value to allow each Human being to become an expression of Life and no longer live as an expression of Fear

Related articles

• Day 269: Are We Forgetting Something?
• Day 270: If you're Not Something then you're Nothing
• 102 - Relationships = Relate-to-Self

Day 225: Free The Slave 4 Love.

This is a follow up to my yesterday's Blog: "Can't get enough of Your Love, Babe..Joke!"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was the most important thing, more important than me as Life and within this belief, for enslaving myself to an idea of 'Love' according to my culture, as taught by my family and supported by society through movies and books

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that without Love I was nothing and as such I lived in Hope to be loved as appreciation as a confirmation of my existence and the value of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be manipulated by men who told me, wrote me, whispered, hinted, implied that they loved me as I wanted to believe in what I knew was not true, not real, because it had no relation with their behavior or physical reality but I needed that love to feel complete, important, fit into society as I accepted and allowed myself to believe I could only be 'somebody' if someone loved me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react when my ex came back on the scene and I willingly, deliberately played the old games using memories to try and bring the past back to life, so I could feel wanted, important, desired and as such give myself the value from which I have separated myself from as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fly off searching for memories of a 'love' that took place over 20 years ago to fan those feelings and emotions, seeking for ways to bring back those feelings that I once felt and believed were only possible because another person was in my life, completing me, when in fact I was the one generating those feelings at all time, which I now see and realize as I see that I loved most when my partners were Not around to spoil my Love fantasy and how I enjoyed it in my mind alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when I could not feel those feelings even when solicited to go there, even when I solicited myself to search for them to ignite them and for feeling a sense of loss at something that I will never experience again I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the word Love, as I knew I kept myself under this spell, chained to this word as a willing slave, just like my mother did while I pitied her and felt disgusted by how much of herself she gave up to tag along after a man just to turn up the suppressed version of her and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fail to notice that Love can never be real when it is not physically lived as support, as sharing and intimacy developed between two partners in an agreement of sticking together so that they may both expand together, work on their points of self limitation until both release themselves from the chains of ideas, beliefs, cultural imprinting, opinions and hopes of what Love should be like, as any definition of a word in separation from Self is just a dead word and not a Living word expressing as Self in all its potential, and for separating myself from the word Love into ideas, beliefs, definitions, hopes and opinions, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love is a feeling and as such the most important thing in the world, failing to see that a feeling is insubstantial, unreal and has no power in the physical world of any kind and that there is only one real thing and that is the physical existing as the point beyond definitions and that to live Love in and as the physical an equalization into the physical of Love as Self is required to make it real

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to self abuse in the name of love, through emotions and feelings, thoughts, imagination, dreams, hopes and desires, making my separation with Love as a living word as myself wider with any energetic step I took in an attempt to live it out energetically instead than physically and within this for seeking experiences of energy so I could live this experience as a feeling and then as an emotion as Love rolled into fear and back into love in a never ending loop of dis-ease that was not best for me or best for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be willing to live crappy situations in the name of Love as I hoped to be paid back, enslaving myself and others within a debt/credit system that I deliberately created to cash in with Love so I could get to feel more than what I am, here in and as the simplicity of breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Imagine myself living a Love Story that would bring resolution to my life, that would make me feel complete because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was not complete as underlined by sayings such as 'my other half, my better half' which in itself is scary as if I am looking for my better half, am I myself the Worse half of the whole and if I am not whole seeking for my other half, am I just the WORST, waiting for the Best as another?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as half, incomplete, needing Love to have it all, when in fact when I did get my hands on this 'Elusive' Love, nothing changed if not the temporary high I experienced which was mainly connected to sex hence again proving that nothing ethereal such as Love has any relevance in reality until we make it physical, we experience it physically, as Love only benefits the one manufacturing the 'Love feeling' for his/her own benefit, and nobody else

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use memories as milestone of moments when I can 'remember' having loved someone, when in fact what I felt was the high, the positive experience that I lived in separation from myself as I valued the experience itself above myself as Life and within this separation ended up creating ideas, beliefs and opinions about Love that now exist as definitions with a life of their own and in the way of myself expressing myself as Love as Self Love and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of the Love train, fear that if I don't board it 'one last time' I'll never get to experience it again and this in the face of having realized the illusory nature of love and yet at the same time feeding the dream as I have not yet willed myself to get off this delusion for good as I fear the loss of such a big piece of myself as the Slave for Love

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'when a Love is real a woman would/should abandon everything and follow 'her' man' cos that's exactly what I did, twice, reducing my Life to an intermission in between Imaginary Great Loves living out the Anna Karenina Character in real life, always disappointed at my partner who never did enough to match what I perceived as my Great sacrifices, which in fact were only self dishonest, self scripted plots in search for my own value and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in my relationships within the fear that if I was not the woman's of a man's dreams, he would stop giving me that Love that I craved and needed to define myself and for having defined myself as more when 'loved' than when 'not loved' I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that a feeling that someone feels independently from anyone else and is self created and as such has nothing to do with me/others, could define me or others as more or less and that I had to toe a line as the source of the Love feeling when in fact if a man felt 'loving feelings' for me or not had nothing to do with me at all and viceversa

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of Love as an Idea, concept, belief because I failed to realize that it was never about Love but it was caused by my own created and imposed definition of myself as worthy/not worthy as Loved/Unloved by other Beings that I held this fear in place as I feared my diminishment and losing my chance to feel 'more' because I believed who I am was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that only when one is loved is 'good enough' and that all the 'good enough' people are out there loved by someone and within this for holding a secret desire to find this love, the real one, failing to see the real Love is Not a feeling, but is the Love of Self as Life, of All as Life and that only in such Love the Fear of Love/as Love no longer exists as Self realigns with Love as Self expression for what is best for Self and All of existence, Equal and One

When and as I see myself sliding back into habits such as seeking memories/ imagining future love moments/ trying to activate myself into the Love delusion, I stop, breathe, look at the points where I fear to not be good enough that make me desire to 'be loved' and breathe myself back here to correct myself and let go of my past behaviors for good

I commit myself to become self honest regarding Love, as I see realize and understand I have invested much of myself in this Fairy Tale and I will have to walk out of it peeling all of the layers of my imprinted beliefs, behaviors, ideas and opinions about love, until I am no longer reactive or a slave for love that can be manipulated and self manipulated into reactions of emotions and feelings

I commit myself to flag this point of Love for myself and to take all upcoming occasions to dig into the point until I no longer catch myself drifting away or desiring to drift away on those specific points, as I require to bring myself Here to stop my participation in fantasies to correct myself into a self responsible, self honest human being, for myself and all of Existence, Equal and One

Related articles

• Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict

Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
• Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

Day 148: Stopping Self Judgement by Comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others/other things and other circumstances of my Life to work out if I am winning or losing by comparison

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to see my worth and value through Comparison just because I have bought into what this system teaches as comparison for Value, from kindergaden up, and I have learnt to see the value of coming out 'on top'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the tension of competing as a child and for believing later that I did not like to compete, when in truth I did not like to lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to appear 'innocent' in my comparison and competition, because the I believed the winning is better and more 'elegant when I am not blatantly flaunting what I have that I perceive to be 'more' than others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having more than others in terms of anything makes me more than others in Value and Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be more than others because apparently I already concluded I was not enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I was not enough/good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as myself for not being innocent in what they do but for hiding a blatant deviousness, such as my own, the judgement of which I projected on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be innocent and for wishing others saw me as innocent because I believed I was not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'play innocent' when I had in mind something that was certainly self motivated and self benefiting that I had judged as not innocent, attempting to not be judged by others as self motivated and devious instead of seeing and realizing I had already judged myself as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my innocence back, even though I have no memories of a time in which I was in fact innocent as in beyond judgement of myself and others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my own self judgement behind comparison, hoping to come out the winner and that winning could make me feel better regarding a point for which I was judging myself using sentences such as 'at least I', including 'at least I judge myself harshly'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my own unresolved self judgement on others and for telling them 'I am not judging you' as an entrance line so I would then have free reign in the damage I was about to do through my words of judgement as self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent the sentence 'I am not judging/ not judging you, not judging here' because I projected on these words my own judgements and the deviousness of such sentences for the purpose of not being judged for judging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judging Feasts with others as Gossip, in which there is a Group Take down of someone so apparently the winning effect as consensus is multiplied and is justified at the same time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what I think because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my thoughts as good and bad and now I don't want to look/own the bad ones because my own judgement of them makes me feel tense and anxious and brings up resistance in me regarding facing the 'bad' thoughts and taking responsibility for them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the origin of my desire to smoke pot was not what was happening in the outside world around me, but what was happening in my inside world, in which I constantly judged myself for the Characters I was aware I was playing and that I struggled to keep in line, each one in their place and just coming out when I said it was their appropriate Air Time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't know how to relate to this world unless through comparison and for feeling at 'a loss' when we tried to turn EMS Wiki into pictures because I saw that I was unable to deliver one concept as Best, without the comparison to everything else as Worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a Best and a Worse, because as a kid my grandfather used to say 'it was the best in the shop' which always meant the most expensive, and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Best must Cost The Most and then apply this judgement to people and myself and when I did not manage to get 'My price' in any exchange I had with others, I would end up feeling Cheap and as such not best and by absolute comparison just worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the point my mum tried to make when I gave up at my scientific studies at 14, by stopping to go to school, that I was competing to be the worse, while I believed she was just lost in her psycho babble with no foundation into reality, when in fact it was true, I had convinced myself that, since I could not be the best I could at least compete to be the worse and still get to win within one of the polarity plays of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter my marriage believing I did not deserve my ex husband because I believed he was better than me and for then spending years trying to take him down to my 'level' of mental depravation so that he would stop being best and could start fitting into this reality as one of us devious and manipulative creature of the world, and for many years later, after our divorce, feel a great sadness as I believed I was seeing in him the aftermath of my negative influence and the consequences of what I did, teaching him that by naming the game, as in 'Overt Manipulation', one was being honest and not hiding anything and that made 'Manipulation' OK

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself regarding my relationship with my ex husband, thinking and believing I married the best man I have met, just to turn him into a shadow of his former self due to my verbal abuse and mental disorders

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to memories that I have clearly manipulated of my 'badness' within my marriage, to prove that I was the worse, when in fact I have discovered that my ex hisband has good memories of us as well, which I did not file because they were not aligned with the Character of the worse I wished to play and beat myself up for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I ' created a Monster' as my ex husband after Marriage, as I saw him change into this Manipulative and Judgemental Creature, as the carbon copy of me, as a result I believed, of having spent 7 years with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I could undo what I have done to people that I believe I have influenced/hurt/damaged because I believed I had the right to say anything that crossed my mind, never taking responsibility for anything that in fact crossed to see how what I was about to say or express would support another as me, going as far as to think and say that words don't matter, that they are meaningless as I perceived words to be empty and never meaning what they were used for in the context they were use within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my words so much, that both myself and my words became empty of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my past comparing what I have been, done, said to what I see understand and realize now as my responsibility for the part I play within the world, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding I need to forgive myself for what has been and what I have done and the judgement of me competing to be the one that judges myself most harshly is really stupid and useless and just proves that I am still competing within judgement if not to be the best, to be the worse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'no longer innocent' in comparison to an imaginary innocence that no one has ever had on the planet because living within polarity cannot be living within and as 'innocence' and so I have been judging myself comparing myself to an 'idea and ideal' of innocence that I have just made up in my Mind as a way to belittle myself and remind myself how unworthy I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as unworthy, not enough, not good enough, comparing myself to those that I saw and judged as better than me, more innocent than me, instead of seeing and realizing that Equality is the point of seeing our Equal participation in both the roles of victim and abuser and to stop our existence as both to return Here in and as Breath to walk my self correction to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop judging myself as others within comparison, either to come out the best or the worse because all comparisons and competition are a sickness of the Mind and not What is best for All as Oneness and Equality

I commit myself when and as I see myself moving toward comparison/desiring to compare and compete, to stop and Breathe, remind myself that when I am faced with this desire or habit I am still the one that decides if I participate or not and that I have chosen to no longer participate as I stop the existence of me as self Judgement/Judgement by comparison

I commit myself to when I see that I am moving toward speaking, thinking about speaking, wanting and desire to speak the sentences 'I am not judging you, him/her/them/it, here", to stop and breathe before I speak these sentences, as I have seen and realized they are the introductory red carpet to the Judge by Comparison and to breathe myself back Here until I am stable and no longer desiring to participate in judgement/self judgement by comparison

I commit myself to deconstruct my Judge Character consistently as it is a total waste of space and not in alignment to what is Best for All in Oneness and Equality.

 

Related articles

• Day 69: Perceptual Character Self Forgiveness Statements continued...
• Day 85: Manipulation Character Self Forgiveness Statements
• Day 121: The Box: Judgement and Suppression
• Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters
• Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality
• Day 147: I am Not Judging You - Bitch!

Day 32: Men at Work

A friend of mine wrote to me to let me know that he gave my Skype contact to an ex Client we used to work with, who is looking for someone to help them set up business in China.

This is not just any ex Client, this is one of my 'one night stand' raising from the grave where I had buried him thinking there would never be a follow up, a return, a reminder or a con-sequence I would have to face about Him and what happened between us.

My HK friend knew about it, so his message started with "I hope I didn't do something Stupid by giving him my full recommendation that he should have you for the China business', funny because when this ex Client/Lover yesterday sent me a skype invite I wondered if he had raised from the grave by himself or if he had been raised, like Lazarus, to live again in my Mind both as Guilt and as Desire.

Because the sex had been bloody good and quite unforgettable, even though I had been clear both with myself and him that it would be a 'one time only' and it was, the day before he left Hong Kong to return to his wife and 4 children. I never encouraged his follow up calls and in fact there was never any follow up.

The 'One Night' happened after a week of being pursued relentlessly at work and out, he would call me at home, plus he was disarming, he was honest about wanting to spend time with me, REALLY wanting it, I had tried to divert him on my staff as I felt I was in no position to enjoy a fling with a customer due to my position of responsibility, but as the day went by and his focus never swayed on any other woman, I felt the 'value of him wanting ME' exclusively, as if I were ABOVE the other women in the office, and this was simply irresistible.

When it happened I wanted to share it with my male friend (the one who has now given him my Skype contact) and as I approached my speech about wanting to lay the cards on the table, I started to say how this Client had relentlessly pursued me for a week, to give myself a sense of value and explain why I ultimately gave in, then, as I was about to tell him we spent the night together before taking him to the airport, my friend said "I know, he is a maniac, he would fuck a Chair'. I froze, the extension of my loss of worth in this one sentence is indescribable.

It took me another 2 months to come clean, I then had to add the point of his comment as the reason why I could not tell him the first time, being that there were no secrets between us and I did not want to have troubles turn up at work, I wanted my friend in, to share the guilt of my own self judgement of myself.

He sat there looking for words to mend his first comment, to make me 'feel good' about myself, realizing that the loss of worth was a now clear point he wished he had not participated in.

I made myself scarce to any personal phone call or any business deal and always had my staff follow up, yet the feeling of having crossed a line in what I judged was 'the proper behaviour' stayed, but I swept it under the carpet and believed I had let it go.

He looked for me before I read my friend's message, so my first reaction was personal, about ME, about him wanting to get in touch with ME, if I see how much I need a job at the moment, the fact that I had a moment of feeling sorry to learn that he looked for me for work it's simply schizophrenic and idiotic, yet a whole reaction started that went from how could we possibly work together to my anxiety about how much I should ask as a compensation, all the lines were blurred, since I have not cleared that point of judgement the job opportunity seems more like asking for a sex compensation, because of course, my mind went to 'how can we travel together to China and not have sex, who am I joking ?' and so sex became a link to the job, my possibility to walk back into the business world and do what I am good at, just because of one point that I have never faced and is now compromising me, not because of what I will or not do, but what I fear I may or may not do, and for what I judge I have already done, in that moment when I walked away from myself to embrace my unworthiness both as a professional and as a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'give in' to sex because a man courts me relentlessly and I believe I get worth and value by being pursued as his only object of desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as something 'I give in to' because I can only give in if I am not an Equal to a Man and I accept and allow myself to believe that he wants it more than me because he is a Man and I am a Woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Men and Women do not equally desire sex because I see men as 'different' from women, instead of as Equal in the desires in and of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be exclusively desired by a man gives me worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'diverting him' onto my staff was OK, because I lay on top of the food chain and I was therefore unapproachable but my staff who was less worthy, as the money we received at the end of the month proved, could give in if they wanted and it would be 'a lesser sin' than if I did because they were less than me and 'worth' less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' worth on my and their money making capacity and ability as a way to gain value and worth for myself instead of seeing everyone Equal as Life and just playing different parts in the Money game until an Equal Money System will in fact reestablish Equal Worth and Value for everyone beyond any reasonable doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I had sex with a man I wanted to have sex with because I was not willing to face the con-sequence of my own self judgement and loss of worth as a professional player in the business world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having done something 'wrong' both as a woman and as a professional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend said 'he would fuck a Chair' because I believe I must be more than a chair and in fact I must be more than any other woman to him/anyone before I allow myself to experience sex in fear of my own self judgement of myself as a 'loose woman'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire for a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at men if and when I desire them because I believe I am putting myself into a situation I will for sure regret afterward if I give in, having always been the hardest judge of myself and of my sexuality used as a worth/value seeking experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having sex with married men, because they are 'taken' meaning owned by other women and since they do not 'belong to me' I should not trespass that line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job as a woman to say NO to married men because I have to stand up for all the women in the world in an act of self righteousness which is just self dishonesty, because I seek self righteousness to be more and better than other women who fuck married men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire married men as the uncomplicated alternative to a relationship because I am not willing to put in the time and the effort it takes to work out my hang ups so I can stand up for a relationship of Self Support as Life with another Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless because of what others say that I take personally and then use to diminish myself into nothingness and unworthiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel agitated when He first contacted me because I went into a future projection of how things will turn out and I was already in the sack without even having given myself a chance to see if this is what is Best for All at the moment, me fucking up my life again, or if what is best for All would be me standing in and as Self responsibility to get back to the business world doing what I am good at so I can get back my place in the system and walk my process of self correction in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I see him again I will have sex with him because I won't be able to put what is best for all in front of my suppressed desire for 'great sex' which was never Real because I have only had mind sex so far and have never been sex as self expression as me in the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend wrote 'but this time please E. get them to pay you right' because I read in this that I have undervalued myself when we worked together and I accepted as I always do to be paid less than a man in my position and then blaming the men around me for earning more when they just 'asked for more' not sharing my same issues of lack of worth in and as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my friend comment to me having sex with this client and the sentence 'get paid more' as a point of whorehood of myself because sex was involved in my relationship with this man and now there may be money involved and sex + money equals whore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a whore when sex did not happen in my life within the parameters of what I have set for myself as wrong or right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hinder my sexual expression in fear of my own harsh self judgements that I ended up projecting outside on other women just because I did not want to own them and resolve them in and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worth less because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want 'to forget' my past miss takes because I can't face my own self judgement of myself and I don't want to for-give myself who and what I believe I have been and done so I can be released into a life that is no longer my own personal scripted Fibonacci spiral of fuck ups but something new that I will have to live in and as Self Directive Principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety at the thought 'we'll have to talk this time if I want that job' because I fear how he will approach me since sex has happened once between us and it was GREAT and I fear he won't allow me to ever forget it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe he doesn't want me to forget that we had sex and it was great because I hold on to this point as a point of self worth and I AM the ONE not wiling to let it go and start from scratch even though it was now 5 years ago and he has obviously got on with his life while I am sitting here still writing about it in regret and self reproach

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold on to a point of great sex as a measure of my value as a woman as a sex object gaining her value from a sex performance to prove I am in fact worthy because I can give pleasure to a man, instead of seeing I have reduced myself to nothingness through my investment in images and ideas of myself and what a woman is supposed to be and be able to do to have value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself into future projections about my future job, of which I know nothing if not what I can imagine and fuck up with in my head, instead of breathing myself through the point when we will in fact talk and I will hear what he has to say and in that moment I will be able to reply or to ask to have a little time before I can come back with a proposal to his request

When and as I see myself projecting myself into future projections of possible potential outcomes, I stop, Breathe, remind myself future projections have always been a delusions of my mind and then I have made myself unhappy about reality because it wouldn't match what I had conjured up, instead of seeing, I can be Here in breath and address each point of me as self correction as they come up

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear about what will come out of this specific situation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself fear is not Real and I can face anything through my commitment of Walking my Path back to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving into the past as a way to diminish myself as a woman and as a human being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself only the Mind can be diminished and I want to stop the diminishment of myself and All Life One and Equal so that we May All Stand up in Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my fear mongering of myself as the Mind to myself as The Physical because I see this makes me ineffective and this is not What is Best for All or What is Best for Me as Life, I commit myself to walk back into the System and become a Self Honest participant that uses communication and the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' so that the New World we want to see can start with me as Self Correction for myself as Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All