Monday, May 21, 2012

Day 38: You Only Live Once

Today my ex Lover Never to Be My Employer contacted me for the feedback on what he has sent me to evaluate.
Since he set the date for our meeting my mind has been pre-occupied with it, many thoughts, one point  I saw is that I had not been clear in my communication, I have hinted that he would have to stay in a hotel by asking if he had one already booked, have hinted that it should be a lunch and not a dinner and hinted that we could NOT talk about that One Night, but today I saw everything was hanging there and I see that I have decided, already 5 years ago that it had to be an indulgence of one night because the persistence had built up to a point of no return, but I would not indulge in the 'relationship' with a married man. he would have been the 3rd of my life, the 2 that went before him had been a disaster, no matter what I tried to not be involved I ended up sucked in and then I ended up being the only one to suffer.
From each of these relationships I got worse, the first I left it in a breath and never looked back, the second i left it and never looked back but every time he came to HK he would get drunk and then pester me all the time after dinner or in the middle of the night about the point that 'we needed to talk about the company we shared', possibly in his bedroom, it never happened after I decided to stop but it left a wake of bitterness on both sides.
Funny, because I did not even want him or the one before to leave their wives, so the bitterness was not that I did not get them, a point that would have terrified me, just the point that again I had myself all involved in emotions and feelings and feeling part of a secret game that I did not like.
Actually there was a 4th as well, we shared a week while on holiday, this one wanted to leave his girlfriend with whom he had 2 kids, a detail that had gone unspoken out of forgetfulness when we started to see each other. This one I heroically put back on a plane to go back to his family life, and then regretted it.
So, the 4th one in chronological order was the result of a pattern, by then I was sure I did not enjoy the romance with the married men, it made me feel dirty and part of a plot against women which I disliked, as I said to myself, just One Night, and I will let him go, which I did.
Which I didn't as well, because I have been all over the place for a week now.
So today I gave myself courage to be clear about where I stand, to stop this tension, so I told him his project is not ready to be taken to China and that he should not come to Milan at all and we should not meet for dinner, since we have no business to talk about.
I said as well that we are obviously a dangerous match, making obvious to myself that I do not trust myself to stand through this decision after a year of no sex, that he would have me at 'Hello' and being confused about why I would NOT want this while I want it so much, asking myself if I have moved into morality and self judgement or if I have just moved into wanting to walk what is best for all, which cannot be a night of sex with a married man with 4 kids that could maybe in the future as well have a job opportunity for me, that could not play out if I screw it up for lust only, not considering the con-sequences for myself and everybody else involved, no matter if I know them or not.
So when I finally did bring up the point, the damn broke loose and he said 'why do you say that' and I said 'because we have a history and I don't want to repeat it and I have enjoyed you as a man, one of the few I have not regretted :)' and then he said 'me too, as a woman, I have a wonderful memory of Us, and then he said 'There is only One Life Ele, we must live It'. This made me cry.
The reason for the tears was that I felt I am not living, that I am not taking this one opportunity for a Great Energy Fix to boost up my Ego and therefore, I am Not Alive and I felt as well that something of me died, that I am not the same Woman anymore and that maybe I had more Fear than it was necessary, because I would have stood, I am already standing and why do I sell myself so short about being able to Live By Principle and not by Energy, just because I have been an Energy/Feeling Junkie and I fear I won't give up that without putting up a fight.
Yet, there was no Fight, only a little Tantrum as I stepped on my Old self which lived only as Thoughts/Feelings and Emotions and not as Principle and What is Best for All.
Do we only Live Once ? Then we better make this One Life count.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself with fear and anxiety about the point that I may have let myself down on my decision to not engage this Great Lover, just Once More

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the loss of who I have been as if something of me died because I did not say 'yes  fuck it, we only live once'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my feelings and emotions for the married men I met in my life, because I knew that if I participated in Feelings and Emotions I would be screwed yet I did participate and just suppressed them into and as my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to conjure up Feelings and Emotions for married men so I would not have to face the point that I felt guilty for engaging married men considering this is not what I would have wanted done onto me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty abut my relationships with married men an for thinking 'I am not the married one' as if it was never my responsibility to make decisions that keep all parties involved into consideration, but I just had to consider myself and what was best for me as an Ego personality and everyone else, just screw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that there is a right and wrong regarding Relationships with married men, instead of seeing it is not a morality point or a point of self righteousness that I need to live out but just to be self honest about why I want what I want, and in this case, why I want to use another and fuck up mine and their life just for a night that will make me feel 'good about myself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I can only 'feel good about myself' through energy fixes and that 'feeing good about myself' defines me as who I am instead of seeing this only defines me as 'feelings and emotions' and a slave to conciousness, I am not a slave to consciousness as me as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand as Self Honesty in my life but to make up ideas and stories and justifications about why I did what I did and why it was Ok even though I saw clearly that others struggled with emotions and feelings about sex and sexuality we shared briefly and that walking away after having engaged them was not necessarily what is best for all but just what was best for me so I would not have to walk through the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage married men on a 'love vibe' even for one night, because I needed that Love vibe to not feel slutty and I did not care that the next day they may be confused and feel awkward about it as long as I got what I needed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself 'You only live Once, better enjoy it' because  within this sentence I accepted and allowed myself to exist as someone that did not care about consequences believing that once I am done with all my One Life fuck ups, that is it, and someone else may have to tackle the wake of disasters I have left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a right and wrong to live by because then every time I lived on the wrong side of my self designed morality code, I felt diminished and guilty, instead of seeing I need no morality to live by, because in self honesty I can assess in every moment whatever it is that is in front of me and make a decision for what is best for all and best for me and then just walk my decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to be able to do what is best for all and for fearing that I would let myself down just because I have occasional mind tantrums and a few tears, that I can see are tears of self manipulation to con-vince me that in fact 'I Only Live Once' and so what is it to me to bite that Apple, yet I have memories of the last forbidden fruit we ate as women that did not turn out so well after all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embody the seductress and the snake of existence, where in my sexual innuendos and mind games I willfully created storms in the mind of men I engaged for the sole purpose to boost my Ego careless of the wake of instability that I left behind me or of the desires that I played out in ways for which I could not be blamed, walking the tightrope of femininity and seduction just enough to never make my games too obvious or the point that I was fucking with the mind of men too evident

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it was my duty as a woman and an admirable skill to be able to fuck with the mind of a man and then just walk away not talking responsibility for how I had worked them up just to walk away and be the winner in the energy game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget one man from this list, because this proves how men for me have just been games I played and how I have never really cared about what they faced after a night of infidelity, from the first timer to the serial cheater

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tease men into a position of desire just to gain energy in the males vs females mind games, careless about how they felt for desiring another woman when married and for putting pictures in their mind using words to link them to me and keep them within my power

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy having power over men about the mind and sexuality game and for letting them believe 'they were on top' because grandma taught me that we must wear the crown but not let them know we do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have power over men to reestablish a sense of justice in this unfair men's world in which unless we are devious and cunning, we'll be run over and eaten alive by men and then soon be forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be unforgettable to men because by imprinting myself in their minds I made them my slaves to balance the point that I felt I was born in a world where women are slaves to men 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate men because I felt and believed and desired to be their slave and made them responsible for what was going on inside of me that I could not explain

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame men because We are Slaves to Men by Birth, instead of seeing, we are both slaves to Consciousness, equally  self designed to harm each other and that whatever blame we place on each other will just close the cage we live in a little tighter, instead we both have to stand, take self responsibility for how and why we participate in games that make us foes instead of being Equals as Life, walking together a path of Self Support as Life as One and Equal and walk to become the partners we wished we had to each other, so that all wars between genders may stop 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated men when in fact I have always and only hated myself for who I became, what  said and thought around men and for believing that hate/hatred is real and who I am in relation to men and relationships

When and as I see myself about to approach a man as a personality, as something I like to pretend to be and not who I am here stable as Breath and I see that I am moving into a reaction of any kind, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if and when I am reactive I am in and as The Mind, so I breathe to clear myself before I speak or move or do anything that is involved with engaging men in any environment

When and as I see myself desiring to win an argument with a man because that would make me more than him, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I have approached this point is because I have moved into a point of inferiority and so I stop, look at the inferiority point I have accessed, delete the energy charge through SF spoken quietly inside of me before I speak or do anything, to make sure I am not into and as a point of inferiority or I will attack to show myself that I am not less but I am in fact More

I commit myself to dissect my mind in relation to men and my relationships with them  to see where has the friction with men started in my world and why I have repeated patterns of relationship failures with men both in my private life and at work, so I may undo the original patterning, release myself and others from my patterned behaviour and rewrite myself in and as self correction into What is Best for All as Life and What is Best for Me, One and Equal

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