I have lived in Asia for 17 years, when I write 17 it seems yesterday that I left Italy and not possible that 17 years went by in what seems just a few Breaths.
I can say that because before meeting Desteni I was not breathing much but I didn't know until I tried the 4 counts breath and discovered I owned nothing of me, not even my Breath.
As a Group we are investigating what pre-occupies our Minds all day, so we can delete the pre-occupations and gain Capacity to see and learn what reality is really about, as like in every 'information system', once 'information overload' is reached, the hard drive Capacity is diminished, this is why when people age, they lose the ability to 'remember', remembering as in memory capacity is not an ability, it is just a storage system, in which we file everything in picture form, missing out on the Life of Breaths that we could be living if we were not pre-occupied with something else.
One of my demons in my mind is Hong Kong, I have already applied Self Forgiveness on this topic, but not effectively obviously, as memories still run randomly within my mind during the day, where I find many pictures to associate to Hong Kong pictures filed in my mind, and they come up usually with a feeling of nostalgia or regret, for something that was and will never be again, I miss who I was, the personality I embodied in Hong Kong, the water, the harbour, living on the sea, the lifestyle, the food, the vitality of the city, funny, I don't miss the people, except maybe for Michele, my friend who was a partner in a few restaurants by the time I left, I missed the relationship we could have tried if both of us had not been so busy pretending to be and want something else.
If I have to pick one word to define Hong Kong and pinpoint where the problem of this hole I perceive I have left from this experience is, it would be 'excitement', a feeling of being alive, not that I was alive, but Hong Kong with all its lights and busy streets could give me this feeling, I miss the feeling of being alive, useful, a productive member of a society in which I made good money and felt satisfied by my place in the world.
Before the 8 years I spent in Hong Kong I was 5 years in Singapore, Singapore went over my head, I have almost no memories, even though when I want to torment myself about the past, even Singapore will do, and even Thailand, a place where I lived for 4 years after Hong Kong in a semi sleepy state, where I had a few friends and nothing else, Thailand was a parking space, where I retired myself in and as the belief that I better be close to the fasting place where I could take care of the consequences of my life of abuses, having given up on myself and my ability to change.
Today I looked for the point to let go, or Self For-give about Hong Kong, and I can sum them up in bullet point to help myself see more clearly:
- the belief that when I was there I was alive because I felt the excitement of the city, meaning I miss the energy of Hong Kong as a way to drive myself to live/exist
- the belief that I was happier there than here, meaning I still live into a polarity of happiness/sadness that I need to self correct
- the regret for having left my 'productive place' within the system back there and have to start from scratch again to find ways to make a living
- the fear that I may lose my permanent residenceship and be kicked out of the Hong Kong system, where I felt secure I could do anything and always provide for myself
- regret for having left when I could have kept a very well paid job, just because of my Ego
- the fear of going back there and having to start from scratch providing for myself inside a very expensive city
- the fear f having to face my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus forecast of Hong Kong being destroyed and asked them to leave the city, just to show off my new knowledge and information
- missing Michele
- having felt jealous today when my ex helper wrote to me she is getting her passport done as she found a new job in Hong Kong and she is moving back from the Philippines to Hong Kong, and I wished it would be me, even though she needs a job way more than me as she supports a lot of people in the Philippines, yet I could not be completely glad for her as I became busy with regret and jealousy.
So on with my Self Forgiveness to give myself back to myself from these points of Separation:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was alive because I felt excited by a city I lived in as a place that gave me a motivation to 'live and be alive'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to be alive through an external motivation, instead of living in and as Breath in every moment, One and Equal to Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the excitement that a city provided for me in terms of energy as a reason to be and feel alive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not the same now that I lack the excitement of a city filled with the energy of Money and Sex on which I fed off to be and feel alive
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alive in relationship to Money and my ability to make money in Hong Kong as a reason to feel satisfied, fulfilled and energized
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was happier in Hong Kong than in Italy, instead of seeing I was happier because I had access to the Money system that I have accepted and allow myself to define myself and my worth
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness is important and that it is real
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in a delusional world of feelings and emotions, hoping to get to experience the good side of the energy polarity disregarding others who will have to live out the negative side that I do not want to experience myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel Happy in Hong Kong and Sad in Italy within a Money polarity game in which I define myself according to where I can make Money=Happy and where I cannot=Sad
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through selling out to a polarity system of excitement hoping to live out value in separation from myself as Self Worth/Value
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am two different people, a successful one in Hong Kong and a loser in Italy, because I have accepted and allowed myself to step back into what I left behind in Italy which was the Mind construct of a Loser because in Italy I did not have access to the Money System with the same ease I could access it in Hong Kong, instead of realizing that it was the bigger Inequality of Asia that allowed me to have more success there and that to live out my desire I have been participating and supporting a system of Inequality because it worked for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the times when my life was safe and guaranteed for in terms of my ability to make money, instead of realizing that I have missed something that worked just for myself while I lived in a place where the Inequality allowed me to have the upper hand on the weaker ones in society
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty regarding my life in Hong Kong when I realized the only reason why I was better off there than in Italy was because there were others worse off, yet I still wished to be back there and have MY life work for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be good through charity and treating others nicely, while I lived Inequality as My Right, as long as my life worked for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept support and praise the Inequality of the Hong Kong system for my own personal gain over other nationalities who were 'worth less' within the Monetary Value System
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a life better or worse according to experiences that are related to Money and Money making ability, instead of seeing Life One and Equal in everyone and Everyone's Right to a dignified Life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret having left Hong Kong and a well paid job because of my Ego because I resent having to walk the manifested consequences of my behaviour
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent walking the manifested consequences of my thoughts, words and deeds, instead of standing up and walking my self responsibility starting with everything I am aware I have manifested into existence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the fear I feel about going back to Hong Kong where I would have to face starting from scratch and everything I left behind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my friends with whom I shared the Nostradamus predictions about Hong Kong being destroyed and having asked them to leave the city to show off my new knowledge and information and for desiring that it did in fact happen so I could be right and get back face for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish a catastrophe on an entire city out of spitefulness because I dislike others being there to enjoy it while I am stuck in Italy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having lost credibility just because Hong Kong has not yet been destroyed instead of seeing I fear I have lost the credibility of myself due to all the bullshit I have spread around about LOA and how to use feelings and emotions as a guidance system
I forgive myself for the misinformation I have spread about existence while I was looking to understand how everything worked and I wanted to share with others how they could uplift themselves out of this shithole, once I found out I could pick and choose thoughts and therefore emotions and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge existence as a shithole, instead of acknowledging this is my creation and judging it a shithole won't help, I see this existence is not what is best for All and needs realignment and I am working on realigning myself and existence will follow being the mirror of myself and my inner world
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss Michele in separation from myself as to mean that when I had a chance to have a relationship with him I did not because I gave more value to the image of myself and how I wanted to 'look' as a strong woman who was not interested in men, instead of being clear about what I really wanted to experience, instead I had to go through all this suppression while he ended up marrying a woman I detested because I thought that if she did not come 'between us' we may have had a chance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think his relationship will not last, as a way to give myself a back door of hope that you never know, maybe one day, we'll get to live that experience
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest myself into potential experiences of the mind as a way to gain value/worth for myself through the 'idea' that I could have had Michele for myself if I wanted and expressed it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous that my ex helper V. is going back to Hong Kong, feeling as she took my more 'worthy' place back into Hong Kong, even though she really needs the job for practical physical support of herself and others in the Philippines while I would get the job as a way to feed my Ego and my Life of Energy and Experiences
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for feeling jealous of V. and for thinking that there is no end to my disgusting behaviour even toward someone I said and believed, I loved sincerely
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted at myself and for believing that disgust is real and not just an experience of me as the mind, based on my own judgements of myself as disgusting
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others as disgusting for what I can see is the lenghth to which we are willing to go to profit and win, no mater who gets hurt or damaged along the way to my victory
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to file pictures and experiences about Hong Kong in my mind as a way to keep myself preoccupied with something that has been and is not HERE and I now wish to let go as there is no need or purpose to these pictures floating in me as the Mind if not to entice my participation in and as the Past which is now gone and I want to get back Here where Life is and stop being There which is not real and is not serving any purpose for myself, is not what is Best for Me or What is best for All
When and as I see myself desiring or about to desire to lose myself into memories of Hong Kong, I stop, Breathe, remind myself I have self forgiven myself and I don't want to invalidate my self forgiveness through engaging again in the Hong Kong State of Mind, so I breathe and keep stopping myself until I am Here and no longer in Hong Kong
When and as I see myself judging myself because images of Hong Kong pop up into my Mind, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that Hong Kong is just another State of Mind and I am working to become stable Here in and as Breath, so it won't matter where I live as it will be Who I am that determines my Life experience for what is Best fr me and What is best for All, and not Where I am
I commit myself to bring myself back Here consistently, utilizing Breath and standing as Self Will, becoming the Self Directive principle that decides Who I want to be, as Life, One and Equal, rewriting myself in and as What is Best for All, deleting everything else that is not Life and is of separation and not of Oneness and Equality.
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