Day 241: Looking for Purpose - Equine Nutrition anyone?

A commercially prepared grain mix for horses, includes crimped corn, oats, and barley mixed with molasses and pelleted supplement (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A couple of months ago I went through a period of 'looking for purpose, looking for a meaning' to Life.

I did not see it this way at the time, I saw myself instead broadening my horizons by subscribing to the New Free Open University Classes, I chose 5 subjects, Drugs and the Brain, 3 classes on Nutrition and Health and 1 class of Equine Nutrition.

The first class was quite a pain, Drugs and the Brain, it was very focused on biochemistry but I can't remember the little chemistry I did at school and so watching all the 3D molecule composition and learning all the medical terms for the brain parts was a bore, I stopped at the first class, went through a little guilt as I played out all the things I left mid way in my life and then moved on. Two days ago I received the notice that the Equine Nutrition course was about to start. WOW.

Since 2 months ago my life has filled up with commitments, I started teaching Italian to foreigners 2 to 3 evenings a week, I have 2 regular students for English classes and now, since yesterday, I found a lady that needs to come for massages, a lot of them, because she wore a corrective corset for 20 years and she has a host of problems and she is happy with my massage, which means she will recommend me to someone else, hence I seem to have finally broken through into the system and to have found my own place so to speak.

So when the notice came about the Equine Nutrition course it stood out like something pretty absurd, I live in a city, I have seen horses close by probably 4 times in my life, I live on the 5th floor with a terrace, certainly not a place for a horse, so there can be only 2 points that have attracted me to this course, one that it was Free and as a good system slave I have to load up on Free stuff, the other that I was projected in a potential hypothetical future, such as 'if I sell this house and I move to Bulgaria and I ever get to see a horse -cos owning one would be too much anxiety since I know nothing about horses-, or if I visit the farm one day, I can make myself useful because I have this Equine Nutrition knowledge. (??)

The point that I was looking for purpose, because my Life is still defined by what I do, I can see it now because as I found 'a purpose/ a meaning' I am less jittery, I finally exist in some place within the system, a system I doubted I could ever re-enter, hence at the time the idea to get some more -albeit useless- knowledge in fear of not existing as I feared I had no purpose and as such no meaning and my existence as a whole to be an utterly useless disgrace, seemed more than appealing, it seemed 'the right thing to do.



I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for purpose/meaning because I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Life Here in and as Breath is not enough

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define value and worth according to 'what I do' and not to 'who I am' in every moment of Breath

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Knowledge is a source of meaning/purpose and that through knowledge I can pile up value/worth for myself no matter how useless is the knowledge I subscribe to, in my search for meaning and purpose

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is value in Free Stuff, because I accepted and allowed myself to subscribe to the Consumerism point that when something comes for free in a world where I have accepted and allowed for Life to go on sale and where I have to buy my right to live, it's a bargain that can't be passed on

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to support a world where we have to buy our right to live

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to put value in Free stuff for me vs a Free Life for All

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when looking for classes that I could benefit from and learn something that could have a practical physical application for me as what is best for all, to not consider what are my real skills and how can I best put them at the service of Life but to rely on stories I made up in my mind that were not real because they are not Here, such as a horse to feed or heal, and for losing myself in my mind in fear of walking breath by breath to build a reality I could live with, I forgive myself



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I don't have the patience to walk breath by breath a solution for myself and my life because I have accepted and allowed myself to lose trust in myself as I walked back to Italy exactly to who I was before I left, leaving behind 17 years of life and life skills just because I lived as a personality both here and abroad and now I have not yet learned how to make those skills one and equal to me and not personality based, and for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into personality plays in an attempt to never face the truth of how I experienced myself, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when the notice of the Equine Nutrition course came through, to feel dumb as the reality of not having a horse or being close to having a horse or having plans to own a horse dawned on me and I felt I was not in touch with reality and then I proceeded to feel guilty and ashamed for being so disconnected as to not be able to assess what is the best course of action to take in any given moment, and for giving in to the experience that I am hopeless if I could not see the point that I don't need an Equine Nutrition class, I forgive myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgement when I realized why I subscribed to these classes as a point of seeking for value/worth, meaning and purpose in separation from myself as value and worth

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when I gave up the 'Drugs and Brain' course because I realized I didn't have the background to follow without piling up tons of additional chemistry knowledge for which I did not have any practical useful application, to feel guilty and run a commentary of all the other times in which I have not taken something to completion instead of just assessing how supportive this choice I made was and if not supportive, moving on

When and as I see myself about to make a decision, I stop, Breathe, if I see that I am fuzzy about the Whys of my movements, I write down what I see as supportive and as non supportive about my decision to clear the fog, see if there is any energetic movement in what I have written down and if there is, correct myself through Self forgiveness so that I won't be making decisions motivated by fear or in search of some imaginary goals but decisions I can live with and walk for myself and what is best for all



I commit myself to stop making decisions in haste, or while seeking for value and meaning as I see realize and understand that there is no other purpose to be here but to correct the consequences we created by living in haste never considering all points of the equations we walk, and I commit myself to make sure I make sound decisions for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One

I commit myself to unconditionally support an Equal Money System which will assist in forever removing the illusion of external Worth and Value to allow each Human being to become an expression of Life and no longer live as an expression of Fear

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• Day 270: If you're Not Something then you're Nothing
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Day 223: Unloved, Now What? Return to Self

This is a follow up to my Post "You are nobody till somebody loves you", I will walk through Self For-Giveness my return to self from my accepted and allowed beliefs, idea, opinions and experiences that I allowed myself to exist within and that shaped me into the woman I have become:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, when asked if I had a sympathy at school, if there was a boy I liked, if I was interested in anyone, to under-stand and to believe that I was supposed to feel sympathy, like or be interest in someone because it seemed to matter more than who I was and that I would gain worth and value for myself only by following that path

I forgive myself that I accepted ad allowed myself as a child to look around for that boy that I could feel sympathy for, like, be interested in, not from the perspective of me but to find that one missing piece that I was supposed to bring to the chats with my grandparents so that I could find that missing worth and fill my not enough-ness with the information they seemed to look for when talking to me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, since this topic of boys vs girls grew exasperated by the Catholic environment I was raised in, where we were in mixed classes but were discouraged to play together, to create a desire to cross the line over the forbidden side of the courtyard, ending up being punished for being too adventurous, while I now see and realize I was not being adventurous, I was seeking attention and recognition from the boys because I had already internalized this point of worthlessness as a woman without the attention of a man as myself, and so I was not seeking to spend time with boys to get to know them, but for the value of me, the worth of me as I accepted and allowed myself to believe in this cultural and then family imprinting of women as worthless

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when a boy was present, immediately move into a state of agitation, anxiety, as I would stand to wait for signs to decode about him being interested in me, in him finding me someone he wished to spend time with, as those signs were already becoming vital to a 'positive experience of myself' as worthy and for mistaking the shame I felt as shame for desiring the attention of boys, instead of seeing and realizing I was feeling the shame of my compromise for value and worth to be given to me as I had separated from myself as Self value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Self Value and Self Worth and for feeling ashamed about it

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as I grew up, encode inside of myself all the crappy Love songs of my culture as guidelines of what to look for as value within a relationship with a man, without realizing the songs were full of expressions of instability and mental problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, ownership, longing and I turned this codes into who I became and then sought to find those things that I told myself were signs of love within the relationships I built up, and when I couldn't I would move on, not questioning my starting point but believing 'the other' had not given to me the 'right signs' of love and as such his love could not be trusted

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when listening to a song, always try to fit into it, to see myself within it and the experiences I could have if it was me the main character of the song, the woman longed for, never forgotten, the source of jealousy and possessiveness and how I would 'feel' about it and deciding that it would feel good, set out to seek the same dramas that my culture defined as 'Love' to live in my own life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine how I would feel if it was me the centre of so much attention, discarding along the way potential partners that did not live up to such great loves imprinted in and as my Mind, when in fact I myself did not live up to them but in my picking and choosing I would always seek songs that when men sang where about the longing, the love, the craving and when women sang were always about the sorrow, the intensity, the regret and then I went looking for partners that would resonate within my same cultural imprinting so we could play out those scripts together until they turned to the sorrow, the intensity and the regret of the roles I had chosen and scripted for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, when faced with jealousy about a partner, to not take responsibility for what I felt and investigate the point to see that I would feel jealous as a comparison with other women from which I came out short in my own self judgement of myself, and since jealousy for me to feel was not part of my scripts because the men were the ones supposed to play the jealous part, I would find excuses and justifications to just move on, fearing that I would have to go through the jealousy experience again if I stuck with a particular partner and overlooking the point if there was a connection that was worth holding on to and learn to grow together in mutual support

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a result of my unstable behavior with men which I could not figure out if it was because I was too interested or not interested enough, to end up walking away at all times as a result of accumulations of backchats and self dishonesty that I ended up blaming on them and that I allowed to become so overwhelming to the point of just giving up

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Love was important and for feeling dishonest because I could not work out in detail what this feeling of 'love' was all about except translate it into jealousy, possessiveness, ownership instead of standing as a stable point of support next to my partners without seeking the illusory world of emotions and feelings as Proof that 'something was really there' because I was not there

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be there for my myself or my partners as I busied myself blaming them for not being there for me, when in fact the point was that I was nowhere to be seen and I never considered building a self honest relationship with myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, twice in my life, drop my life and move to another country after a man, creating a credit in my mind for which a payback was due and corrupting my starting point both with myself as I took off without ever considering my own life but just the experience I would gain that would give me having a man next to me to me and equally with them, starting with a debt to be repaid, just like the current Monetary System, where nothing is done for nothing and a payback is always due

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold my partners responsible for my life, through the justification that 'I gave up my life for you' so I could go on playing the extra romantic woman in love, while in fact I was just creating excuses to not be responsible for myself and the choices I made

I commit myself to establish a self honest relationship with myself, wherein I stand on my own two feet, no matter where I am or where I decide to move to, and to no longer make others responsible for myself or the experience of myself

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself trying to take off into some mind delusions about Love and memories and the past, to stop, Breathe, realize that I am not giving up anything of value as my memories are behavioural microchips that lead always in the same place where I have been many times before, to failure , and I no longer want to experience failure in relationships as a definition of who I am

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself move into the desire to compare my relationships as a way to feel safer, to stop and breathe through the fear, as the fear I have is the fear of me and I instead look at what am I fearing so I can release myself from it once and for all

I commit myself to, when and as I speak to a man, a partner or a potential partner to make sure I am not reactive, if I am to Breathe through my reactions before I speak or write and then only express myself so I can stop existing as a tornado of disasters because Prevention is the Best Cure.

Related articles

• Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship
• Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict
• Day 222: You are Nobody Till Somebody Loves You - Character

Day 147: I am Not Judging You - Bitch!

Back to the judging board.

Another way I judge myself and others at the same time is comparison, while in Morality I can stand as an absolute point of Self Judgement, when I compare myself to others or something I have to be judging both, myself and the other comparison point.

If I am more the other point must be less, if I am less the other point must be more, if I win the other point is losing, if I am better the other point is worse.

In English this point is clearer than in the Italian language, in Italian I can say best and better and omit 'than what', in this omission the very point of comparison can lay hidden, it just somehow happens to be better (than), best is an absolute and so the point that is better than everything else is as well omitted, this works within the English language as well, You are simply The Best (among them/us All).

The fact that we try to NOT express the comparison and competition point is in itself interesting, we don't want to face what we do continuously in the hope no one will notice we are 'value/worth diggers' and we play down the competition point in case we may lose out and feel diminished/inferior, even when we say it would be best, what we imply is 'better than' for which we keep the hidden list of 'not best' within our Mind so as to Not expose all the points we have already compared this 'best' action/speech/sentence against/to and how our devious Mind truly works, we can 'play innocent' which in itself means we know what we are doing and why we just don't want to expose it.

"Playing innocent" hides a judgement of myself and my self expression, that I have seen and judged what I am NOT going to do or say in the open as 'not innocent', if I were innocent I would not need to 'play innocent' but instead I will 'play innocent' as in 'pretend not to be guilty', so I won't have to face the judgement of me and my self expression.

Another cover up I have used in judgement game is the  famous 'I'm not judging you/it-there is no judgement here because I have done it too (and judged myself for it, and still doing the self judgement, so please join in)' when all the words are stringed together to say otherwise, but the 'I'm not judging you/him/she/it/them' it's a declaration of fake fairplay, because I am superfucking judging, I just don't want to be judged for it.

In fact the 'I am not judging sentence' is one of the most cunning, it's like when parents suppress and program children and tell them 'I am doing it for your own good' which leaves the child beaten, angry and feeling guilty, because my gosh, they are doing this for my own good and what do I do "Hate Them', what a freaking Monster!

In the same fashion declaring 'I'm not judging you (Bitch) and then listing the judgements is absolute genius, as I/we can judge/self judge AND get away with it, or pretend to, because I have declared the name of the Game 'Not Judgement' but then I list How and Why I think what YOU DO is not OK, as it is not what I would do, or would like to think it is not what I would do, while fearing my own judgement that I may do just the same or have already done the same and conveniently forgot about it, or pretended to,  how could I even tell another what is Ok and what is Not unless I was comparing the point to something that is in fact OK - within the files of my Mind- and then judging that This is Not, while I skip and hop through Life looking for My Value/Worth Pot, could be at the next meeting, around the corner, at the end of the rainbow.

Why do I compete for value in this Game of Life?

Because my Value is by my own acceptance and allowance tied into a system of Value that is external and outside of myself to which I have subscribed, saying yes to the Game and the desire to be More, not just from this lifetime, Nope, just going back eons of time, when I believed that I was NOT in fact enough and There must be more than Me and there must be more than Here

.

Self Forgiveness and SC to Follow

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• Day 81: Justifications Character
• Day 119: Suppression Character Self forgiveness statements
• Day 121: Suppression Character Self Commitment statements
• Day 145: The Judge - Judging Myself and Others as Characters
• Day 146: Judging Myself, the Hows and Whys - Morality

Day 142: I'll name My Price All Right!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that only the things I don't enjoy doing should be paid, because if I am enjoying myself I am not Really working and I should not be paid for what I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that working must be a nuisance that we pretend to do as I have associate my grandma taking naps when she was working at home in the afternoon and asking me to 'lie about it' if her boss should call during nap time, with 'working' and what working is as something we should  default and rather take a nap, on the preference list of things to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I had negative judgements about napping because I was always forced in kindergarten and elementary school to take a nap, and even when I said "I don't want to", "I am not tired", I would be asked to lie down close my eyes and 'rest' and therefore turned napping into the ultimate waste of time and life, to then when I associated napping to being better than working, perceive work as something that I must dislike MORE than napping and therefore every time I enjoyed what did I could not  call it working and I should in fact, not be paid for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it was awkward that my mum would want to pay me for doing things I would have done for free, like swapping winter and summer closets at the end of the seasons because I had a neat and organized mind to carry out such works and enjoyed doing it, while she was attempting to teach me that what we do must be paid for, because this is how we sustain ourselves in this Money based world and yet every time I enjoyed what I was doing, I felt awkward to be paid for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am strange because I actually enjoy everything I do once I start doing it, even caring for a home or cleaning but because I always had to justify why people paid me to do what I did, I started to pretend that working was hard and all consuming like it seemed for everyone else around me who talked and nagged about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I enjoy something I am doing and I am paid for, because I believe that 'to be honest' I should not enjoy what I am doing since this is the reason why people are paying me and others for, to do what we don't enjoy doing, and that it is dishonest to in fact enjoy myself when I am paid to NOT enjoy myself because this is what work is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I am asked to 'Name my Price' I have to be careful to not ask too much because I could end up not doing what I enjoy doing, which is more or less everything and I have to be careful to not ask too much in case people resent my request and don't allow me to do what I enjoy doing for money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate 'name your price' to prostitution, because this was the first mention on "women selling themselves" that I heard, which I have associated to everything I do for money that I would happily do for free but I can't because I need the money to live now, and so I have to reconcile with this work/money point because is a limitation that I am imposing on myself just because of a few oddities I have picked up along the way that I can let go to realign myself to be an effective human being within the system to do what is best for me as best for All as in overcoming my self imposed limitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I associated women on sale to being a bad thing as in prostitution, to not want and resist 'selling myself' for a job, instead of seeing and realizing that it was me judging and defining working as 'selling myself' and not as putting my labor in the system for money for now and then I will do the same for What is Best for All when the New System will allow it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge prostitution as 'bad' because I picked up on the raised eyebrows, judgements and resistance of people around me talking about it, instead of seeing that prostitution is in fact a very honest job, since it's the only job in which someone sells what they really own that has not been manufactured through slave/children labour or other abusive means and that the only thing that makes it unfortunate is that it is not a choice job as it is not chosen but is the last resort of women who have been left at the fringe of society without entry to the Money system that sell their body, because honestly, who would like to sell their body if one would have enough to live and provide for their family?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist "selling myself" in an attempt to not prostitute myself to this system of abuse, failing to see that at the moment we are all prostituting ourselves to live, because we have made this planet into a living Hell where Life is for Sale and no Life is for Free at the moment, not even the Elite's because they are enslaved to this system of Fear just as much as we are, as We Fear for our own survival and they Fear to lose what they have and have to Fear for their own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not have to 'name my price' but instead to have my price named for me, even though, due to my desire to NOT take responsibility for myself I had to face many times the point that no one can put my interest before theirs in a system of survival and that I myself do not put their interest before mine when I refuse to Name my price, I am just hoping that they will name a price High Enough for Me to be happy with so I won't have to face the point of 'naming my price' and how I experience myself within this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed when people 'named my price' and the price was too low and I felt devalued by their low offer for the price of me, because I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my worth to the amount of Money I can make/ earn as a 'living' in separation from myself as Self Worth, instead of seeing the simple point of giving a service/work I get paid for that has nothing to do with my worth or my value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'living' means making money, because if I have to 'earn a living' than my living is equal and one to the amount of money I earn, instead of seeing and realizing no one can make a 'living' because we are already Alive, we are just going out to get the money we need to function within this system because it's practical and it's part of the self support we owe to ourselves in this Money based system that we now have to walk as the consequences of all the other stupid decision we made through eons of time that led us here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with all the 'make a living' bullshit that my family passed on to me, as a point of value I should seek for myself, instead of seeing and realizing that they were just passing on their fears that if I were not to become effective within the system I would not be able to live because we have turned this world into a Live or Let Die place, where Life is for Sale but we never want to just spell that point out right, because we fear to have to face what we created of this world so much, that we pass on the 7th generations fears to the children to teach them to fear the system and not being able to live without 'making a living', as none of these Fears have been resolved and transcended by the children caretakers themselves but just passed on through words of 'parental add-vice'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when asked to name my price, feel a tightening in my solar plexus, stop breathing as my mind jumps into all directions while I try to compare myself to what is available on the market, to who is asking, how much they can pay and how I should ask for it, instead of breathing and just stating my price that I believe to be fair for the excellent work that I know I can do, stopping seeking justifications through comparison to why I should be paid so much, because when I do I start the fault finding game to prove to myself that I am better/superior/more than others and that is why I deserve MORE than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to justify how much I think is a fair price and the price I want for the work/service I give instead of seeing and realizing that if I have to justify myself is because I have doubts about deserving that amount for what I do, and that I always then FEAR that, since I cannot even justify to myself why I should earn more than another, because I went into the comparison game looking for reasons as to why the price I want to ask is right, and within that discovered many are paid much less and so somehow instead of seeing and realizing that is because we are all playing this game to the bottom trying to secure a job for ourselves out of fear of survival, that we have reduced the market place to a place where we are happy to take on slave jobs for nothing as we believe we have 'outsmarted' the competition by asking less, instead of all of us being Value Worth conscious as Self Value and Self Worth and holding our ground for what we are worth, which would have given birth to a complete different working game and not the slavery game we are now facing as the consequence of outsmarting each other in a race to the bottom

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot 'name my price', and that I must be ashamed of the price I want to ask and who do I think I am wanting to be paid more than another, and yet if I did not compare myself to another and just asked what I saw as fair for what I do as a work or a service, I would not go through shame or guilt as I would be doing my own thing as what is best for All, because is certainly NOT best for All to race each other to the bottom, but would be best for All to see that we are worthy of good wages and a job we enjoy doing, otherwise we are becoming by our own doing the slave force of this capitalistic System, without even realizing we got where we got through our own fears and our own doing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I am asked to 'name my price', move into fear, that godonlyknows, what if I name the 'wrongprice' as if there is such a thing as a wrong price and not just a price I have set, which is not wrong or right, and it doesn't become wrong even when someone refuses my request, it's just not a match to the budget they had for the position they wished to cover

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent men who were paid more than me, double than me and for secretly backchatting them to diminish them in my eyes, so I would not have to feel the experience of diminishment and of being worthless by comparison, instead of seeing and realizing that I never resented others but just myself for having 'named my price' so cheap just because I had hang ups about naming a Fair Price for what I do as work or services

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don't get the price I want, I am worthless because, since I associated my worth and value with the money I can generate as a 'living' when my price is not met it means I do not have that worth and value any longer and now I have to go and seek value for myself somewhere else, which is one of the reasons why I dislike naming my price, instead of seeing and realizing that meeting my price has many factors attached to it that have nothing to do with me or my self worth and value, unless I give it up and invest my worth and value into an 'idea of Worth and value that is translated into a money number' that when is not met leaves me feeling worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my work is priceless, which is in fact what happens when I am asked to name my price 'I am Price-less' as I believe my work is superior in every possible way due to the way my mind processes information and the work flow of operations in sequences of priorities that are unmatched by the people I have worked with so far, and yet wanting to be Price-less leaves me without a price to name when I am asked to name a price, which then leaves me feeling Worth-less as I tumble down from the Priceless Podium on which I had built myself within comparison and competition to the worthlessness of being Price-Less as Worth-Less

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in a World where everything has a Price, being Price-Less is associated in my Mind with being Worth-Less, as I lack the Price tag to define me and place me where the system believes and insists I belong according to my Price Tag, which I am the Only One to name, and so as I accepted and allowed myself to believe it was the system allocating me, this was not true, it was me through my acceptance and allowance of my Worth as Price, which is why I resisted to 'name My price' in Fear that once I named it I was fucked into some system layers from which I would never be able to escape, failing to see I was the one doing the whole Role Playing as I sought for my worth and value outside of myself in separation from myself as the Price tag I did not want to name just out of FEAR

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FEAR naming my Price, in Fear of my own definition of Myself and what I believed and though 'I was really Worth', instead of seeing and realizing I feared naming my price because I feared seeing that I had misplaced my Value and Worth onto a price Tag that I did not want to Name to Not see what is the worth and Value of me, according to ME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that unless I am Price-Less, I am Worth-Less and yet the conundrum is quite clear, do I have a price for my work and services or not? Because if I am Price-Less then I Have to Work for Free, and yet I see realize and understand that this is NOT possible within this physical reality at the moment in the way things are set up, so I better pull myself together, stop being Price-Less so I can 'Name My Price' and be content with it when I engage in a new job or in giving a service/work for which I have clearly within myself set a Price for

When and as I see myself being asked to Name My Price and I feel the tightening in the solar plexus, I stop, breathe, remind myself that if I had not anticipated being asked and if I don't know what is offered and required of me it is acceptable to ask what would my services/work entail and then decide what price I am content with that I see as fair for myself, stopping to worry about If They will see it as fair as they will have their own responsibility to see what they can afford for what they are asking for and I have to see what I am willing to do for what price and without comparison to anything else, state My price

When and as I see myself trying to move into the Mind to find reasons why what I ask is fair, which is the step before I move into Comparison and Competition and attempt to bring everyone down to justify my higher worth and value, I stop, breathe, remind myself I no longer want to participate in comparison and competition and that My Price is not dependent on Comparison and Competition but on what I am willing to do for what price, without on the spot or later go comparing myself to other wages just to feel diminished if I discover someone earns more than me as in 'they are more valuable than me'

When and as I see myself desiring to compare 'values and worth' with others in the same business or in the same company, hoping to come out the winner, I stop, breathe, remind myself what a losing game comparison and competition is and I keep walking my self directive decision in self responsibility for the choices I made and the Price I myself named for my work and services

I commit myself to stop the comparison and competition game regarding the point of 'naming my price' as it is ME naming My price and so there is none else responsible for what I name as my Price once I am offered a job or required a service

I commit myself to assess what a job or a service entails before I Name my Price, so that a clear communication is exchanged about my potential role and the Money I ask for it, to avoid further misunderstanding or tensions down the line once I make a decision

I commit myself to walk my decision in self honesty and self responsibility, stopping the blame of others for having what I did not have the guts to ask for, and instead ask for what I want to have that I see as the fair price for the services and job I have been requested or offered

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Day 135: The Good Master - Character

For 17 years that I lived abroad, someone has always taken care of me one way or another, either working part time for me or full time, so coming back to Italy and to the 'business' of taking care of myself is something that I have done but not enjoyed, I see taking care of myself as a drag, someone else should take care of me, I don't mind paying for that, I mind caring for myself.

Recently I have gone back to feeding myself properly, which is time consuming as I have to prepare all the food I eat fresh, wash the veggies and cook every day, I realize this is something I don't enjoy in my mind but not in the physical, because when I do it it's just like anything else, it is only my judgement of not being doing anything worthwhile that stands in the way of enjoying myself. I have allowed as well my idea of 'process' to stand in the way to enjoying myself as I have polarized process to something 'unpleasant' because I swung to the polarity of what I did before, which was nothing at all apart from smoking Pot and accumulating useless knowledge and information that I did not live out in the Physical and yet I defined as 'pleasant' by the world standards idea that since I was Not Working I had it sweet by comparison, and therefore I was living an idyllic life as one of the Lucky Ones that Deserved it, on a tropical island in Thailand.

It is interesting to see that I live a Life that is just made out of ideas and beliefs and definitions, because in self honesty my Life has taken a Quantum Leap in Self Worth, as I moved from the worthless pointless Life of self interest to widening my horizons to include Humanity as a whole and the need to stand to Change myself to change this system of abuse that I was too oblivious to even recognize before I actually started this Process of Self Correction.

Another Point is that I have first engaged and then suppressed thoughts about how I have regressed, as I had accepted and allowed myself to invest my sense of self worth into my 'life achievements' that included not having to care for myself, as in having a helper doing for me the menial tasks that living in this world requires, such as making my bed, ironing, cooking etc.

I still live out this sense of regression as loss of worth due to having to care for myself as I had dreams and hopes that I built around what a perfect Life was supposed to be, which included slaves to attend to my needs and desires that I would keep like a Good Master, attending to their well being and care, not as an Equal because Slaves are Not equals, but as a Good Master, the best Master, to the point that they would want to work for me for free. I actually achieved that, but now when my ex helper calls me with her own money for a chat and to tell me the latest news about Hong Kong, I am overwhelmed with a sense of unfairness for having taken other people's lives to serve me and for having manipulated them to such a degree that my Greatness as a Master would not allow them to forget me ever, as they would compare me to their new employers who would always fail the comparison game as they are not motivated by my same blinding desire to enslave with wisdom and kindness as the ultimate sneakiest invisible shackle to bend others' lives to my whims and desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserved more than others and that someone should give up their life for me because I was special and entitled to be served

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define taking care of myself as a drag that should be the duty of someone else and not mine as I was born to do much more important things with my life while others were born just to slave and take care of me and my desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a genie in a bottle that would come out and say 'your wish is my command' because I was Good and Special and deserved a genie of my own as my Reward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the devotion of my staff and for going to unbelievable length to enslave them to me through fake benevolence that was just a trap I set out for them to become tied to me for Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished by the fact that I no longer have slaves at my service which means that I am no longer special and deserving of a genie of my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when my Ex Helper calls me to chat using her own money, because I judge this as the ultimate act of self sacrifice a person with no money makes to hang on to the shackles that I have designed and made her wear to please me as the Good Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some were more worthy than others in this world and that WHO was more worthy was defined by how much money we managed to make to be able to get what we wanted in comparison to those that could not get what they wanted, because they did not deserve it by the Grace of God

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek for belief system that justified WHY some deserved more than others, such as Law Of Attraction and for then selectively teach the system but not to the ones that were below me as my staff in case they would become rich, up and move on, and leave me without my privileged life with slaves at my service

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as Evil because I took advantage of my position in Life, instead of realizing we are All equally Evil because as soon as we have some money we enslave another, like my ex helper does with the family she herself supports and enslaves through Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see to what extent and how this world revolves around Money and the power it gives to some over the lives of others which is why the point of the Equal Money System is addresses within Desteni as a way to STOP the Slavery we are subjected to and subject others to, through Money as Power over other's Lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a Good Master so I would not have to feel guilty over the fact that there cannot ever be a Good Master, because attempting to be the Master of someone else's Life using Money as a Tool for enslavement is Evil as a point of Not giving to another what I would like to receive as an Equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because someone around me is a Happy Slave I no longer have the responsibility to Equalize myself as it is them wanting to play that role and I am just providing better than others would do in my same place, which makes me better than other Masters

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invest my self worth into a system where abusing another is necessary to be someone and for justifying taking the life of another to be at my service as something good that I am doing because without me they would starve, instead of addressing the point of WHY there are people who starve on this planet unless they enslave themselves to someone for Money, and standing up to correct this point within myself as my own desire to have and own Slaves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself as a bad person for the life I have lived in relation to managing people and their lives, instead of seeing that Equality means that I have to take my own responsibility for my desires to Master other people's lives and they have to Equally take their responsibility for accepting and allowing their own enslavement as Equality means equal responsibility for our mutual creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take all the blame as that keeps me in a position of MasterHood, while others are not allowed to take responsibility because their self responsibility would disempower me from being in charge of their lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel indebted to my ex helper as I judge myself as the One that created an image of the Perfect master that she can't shake off now, instead of letting her go for good within my self created Master/Slave relationship within my mind and release her from my Good Master Character

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have regressed and I am diminished because I no longer own slaves, nor in the workplace or at home and that since I bought into the belief that Life is judged by what we accumulate and the position we can secure for ourselves, I have accepted and allowed my own diminishment through my own definitions and con-victions of what a Successful Life is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that in enslaving another I am enslaving myself to my own creation of enslavement and that I have just played out my Anuness with my idea of self righteousness because really, without me others would not have been able to take care of themselves and survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others my sense of being powerless so I would not have to face my own experience of myself as powerless and useless within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are Good Masters and Bad Masters and since I was one of the good Ones, providing proper accommodation and good Money I was better than the bad Masters who kept their helpers like dogs and had to be told what a proper accommodation is' and that a bathtub or the kitchen floor doesn't in fact qualify as such

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be the master of someone as I feared that I was not the Master of myself, believing that if I could manage someone else's Life I could let go of this feeling of being powerless and useless, instead of addressing my own feelings of inadequacy and how I experienced myself so I could stop the enslavement of myself and others within existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my life was more worthy than others' who were paid/rewarded with less Money as a Wage, because I believed that we are in fact defined by how much Money we earn and what is our Market Value, instead of seeing and realizing that embracing such beliefs means I am for sale and my life is for Sale, which means I am a Slave to this existence and the Master of Nobody, not even myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'taking care of myself is a drag', when in fact it's just an idea I have embraced within my desire to not take care of myself and be a responsible human being and that nothing I do within the physical ever proves to be a drag when I step out of myself as the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate Process with something unpleasant as the polarity of the 'imaginary Pleasant Life' I lived for 4 years on a tropical Island, conveniently forgetting the truth of my 4 years in which I battled with a pot addiction and a lack of sense within my life and this physical experience and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from process, as if it was not just Me walking a Path of self correction, but a task, like 'taking care of myself', something I project into the Doing realm and not into the Beingness of Me, coming back to myself from the million little pieces I broke myself into through self judgement, guilt and shame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand in the way of me becoming the Master of me as I get lost within my mind and my own Self Definition of what worth is in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value Here in every moment of Breath.

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• Day 104: Cheap/Worthy Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

Day 104: Cheap/Worthy Self Forgiveness and Self Commitment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Divide the world in Cheap and Worthy based on Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the Worthy than to the Cheap, according to my own perception and judgement of what is worthy and what is cheap, and to not see that my own self judgement of myself as both worthy as the rich granddaughter and cheap as the poor daughter were The filters through which I saw and divided the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the label 'cheap' since when I used it it was to diminish the other to my own diminishment of myself as my own perception of Cheap as the Poor Daughter, due to where we lived and the lives we led that to me were poor and cheap in comparison to my grandparents who in my perception lived rich and fulfilling lives

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate money/rich with 'fulfilling life' failing to see that through this association I defined my life fulfilling ONLY when money was present, and unfulfilling when Money was not present, reducing myself to a Money Slave for my own fulfilment in separation from myself here as Breath as Life where nothing is needed for Self Expression as Self Worth 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my own embodiment of two Characters in polarity ensured maximum friction within me that I perceived as aliveness as much energy was generated through my own Characterization within polarities of opposing Characters, which is what Bipolarism is when we take this point to its max

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my mum as bipolar, failing to see that I was the bipolar one living within polarity personalities as Characters for which I did not want to take responsibility and instead suppressed, trying to play just One Character at the time to keep myself from going mad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going mad as I felt the friction of existing within polarities that I did not know how to address and let go through self forgiveness and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be Worthy in fear of being Cheap, without seeing and realizing I was fearing my own self judgement as Cheap in relation to my acceptance and allowance of the World System of Money as the ultimate Value/Worth assessment tool

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see that unless I let go of Money as the Worth and Value Tool of existence I not only keep/kept myself enslaved but all others as well, while I insisted on seeking my own worth/value outside of myself to confirm I am worthy and valuable through the Money System, in separation from myself as Self Worth and Self Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that when I moved onto Spirituality I did so within the belief that I did not have the access I wanted into the Money System and so an alternative point of Value and Worth had to be sought to replace the Money System, so I could grow inside the Spirituality/Consciousness Movement and make myself More than others having failed at making myself MORE through the Money System and within this I forgive myself for desiring to make myself MORE than other while seeking for value through Comparison Games

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow Money to judge myself and others as Worthy/Cheap, through giving up my own self responsibility of myself as self directive principle that decides that All have the same Worth and Value as Life and that Money MUST become a Tool to support the Equal Life we All Share

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since Money is too big a topic, I cannot take the Money system on but I have to lie down and accept that the only way to get my Value/Worth is through Money as the Ultimate Judge of Us All, failing to see I gave up my self responsibility so I would not have to stand up in and as The Money System and face my own self judgements and judgements of Money as the bestower of Value but I could blame Money for having taken this role while I just obeyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Creation to the point that I am still unable to see how it is that I have originally manifested Money as the Tool that decides over and above Life and that I now see that I will have to walk myself backward into my own acceptances and allowances of Money as the Worth/Cheapening Tool of existence to undo what was done through first equalizing myself to Money and no longer have Money be more than me/others, One and Equal, and then walk as Money as the Correction to Equality for All, where Life returns to be the Only real Value and Capital of this World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the points that came up in my life to show me how deep the Money entanglement went within me, moving through all my relationships within one form or another, deciding which jobs I should do or go for, and who I should be to get those jobs who were designed for specific Characters, and not seeing or realizing that each Character Impersonation was a trade off on the Money Stock Exchange, where the stock is live stock as Us as the Flesh we all Share Equally and have given up to the Money System for Survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money is the ultimate goal that we must all shoot for to prove who we are and who we have been and what we have done with our lives of Value/Worth, failing to see that believing that Worth and Value lies in the Money we have piled up is one of the silent acceptances of this Money System as the Worth/Value bestower on Life that has ended up putting Money above Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if one has Money, then everything is fine, accepting and allowing myself to believe that Money can buy my way out of trouble, out of my responsibilities, out of my humanity that I sell out so I can build the fake safety net of Money, that anyway lets me down at death since Money or No Money we all DIE the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imprint myself with the beliefs of this Consumerist/Capitalistic system, that teaches that we are just NOT born all the same and that some are more valuable by Birth and their lives are MORE precious, which we should be able to see by the fact that we allow almost 1 bil people to starve every day, accepting and allowing the opinion that their lives are LESS important than ours or we would be taking to the streets screaming murder, while instead we make sure to toe the line because the starvers stand as the example of what could happen to us if we were in fact cut out of the Money making world and it would then be our turn to become the invisible worthless lives that the rest won't mind to waste

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pacify myself with the point that 'The poor have always existed and always will', failing to see that this reply is not in any way common sensical, because if they have always existed for sure, we would at one point in time addressed the issue of WHY they always existed and what and where was the problem of this system of Inequality, and not just pass on the knowledge and information about their existence as 'the way things are' and that failing to look for a solution for the common good of humanity spells out clearly WHO WE ARE, and what we have always been as the de-humanized humanity that went Spiritual because going Physical in addressing the Physical points that need resolution always seemed harder than flying off in our heads, where we could pretend to be busy building solutions based on Love to cover up our FEAR of this existence and what we accepted and allowed ourselves to become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I felt diminished by the word 'CHEAP' without living a cheap life in the sense that I always had a roof over my head and food in my plate, what would others who in fact are living the CHEAP life as in homeless and starving be going through, and still make my experience of a word and what I charged it with, in terms of energy and fears, be more important than looking for a solution to erase the cheapness of this world as in suffering and starvation returning to each Life the dignity of Equality as in Equal Worth and Equal Value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my own self hatred for 'turning the other cheek', for looking for ways to justify why it is OK to accept such a world just because everyone is and no one seems bothered about solutions but just about studying and measuring the problem, such as Economists, while people die and live in suffering in and as The Physical and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I hated myself for not standing up for Life as Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word cheap with a negative charge and the word worthy/valuable/value with a positive charge, borrowing this imaginary charge from the Money System, that defines worth and value as good and unworthy and cheap as BAD, so we will keep striving to get MORE to finally access our value as positive, as GOOD, and keep participating in this senseless game called Capitalism, failing to see we have fucked each other Royally just so we could believe to be more as some were kept in and as 'the less' within an Imaginary Value/Worth system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own judgement day, which is everyday, as I hold myself hostage of beliefs, ideas and Opinions about Money and the Money System, so as to not have to Change as I see Change implies some parts of me will have to die, infact all of me has to go, as my perception of 'ME' in separation from everything and everyone in my search for 'Happiness'/Money as value/worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this Money point has to change externally before Humanity can change, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that I am One of the Money Points Holder and that when I let go the Hold there is One point less holding the Money system in place and that the More of us let go of Money as the Money Holders the less points Money as the entity it has become will have to suck energy from us as Life for its own sustainance as a system with a life of its own, because it never in fact had a life of its own, it had OUR lives tied in and entangled around its fingers through our own choice that we have not been aware of how we made, having taken it on from knowledge and information passed on from generation to generation as the ONLY choice without seeing and realizing it was NOT the only choice, but the accepted and allowed choice to keep this system running as it is and never challenge it's soundness or common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if we all let go of the Money point as clearly that means we will have to become self responsible for this world and that we will no longer be able to give up our self responsibility to Money for what goes on, which is one of the reasons WHY we let Money take the driving seat in the first place as our excuse to abdicate our self responsibility to each other and The World as Us in the first place

I commit myself to stop my existence as one of the Money Holder as in One that Keeps the Money system in place, by investigating ALL my Money related reactions, fears and attachments until no words that are Money related as Value/Valuable Cheap/Cheapened Worth/Worthy Price/Prize have holds on me through my own assigned energetic charges within a polarity system

I commit myself to stop investing value as positive charges in words that are resonantly positively Money related and to stop investing of a negative charge words that are negatively Money related, within the polarity of lack, as I see realize and understand it was always me deciding and assigning charges to words and that words carry the burdens of my investments until I stop and take all investments back to myself ,stopping the separation from myself and words and from myself as words

I commit myself to stop dividing the world in Money/Not Money whatever name I give to define these 2 polarity points, as it is in the giving the Have MONEY polarity more value then the Have NOT  MONEY polarity that I give and cast my vote to have some Lives be more important than others Within the Characters that we play, and this is how we end up with some Characters living the MORE life, through our own individual votes within the Mind Consciousness System as More and Worthier than Other Lives, that become LESS, in relation to Money and the voted in place Money-God

I commit myself to stop my fears of lack of Money as this is at the root of any Money desire, the fear of worth-less-ness within an internally accepted and allowed Money System of Worth and Value and to disengage myself consistently from Money as Worth/Value until I no longer stand as the self surrendered captive to the Money World but I can stand as what is best for me a What is Best for All for myself and all of Existence Equal and One.