Day 174: Are you Dressed like a Whore? Shut Up and Die

At 7 am this morning I went down to buy cigarettes and passed my baker friend's shop (friend as in someone I know and see regularly) and she called me in.

There was a little drama unfolding which took me a few moments to place together, a young girl who was sitting on a stool was scared to death, trembling and saying 3 men tried to kidnap her but she jumped on a bus and got off where she saw some open shops to ask for help.

My friend was not nice to her, she was irritated and patronizing, somehow in my mind I could not put together the news of this situation of danger and my 'friend''s attitude, this girl explained that 3 men, Romanian, had been following her with 2 cars and 1 van, my friend asked me if I could hold the line with the police as she had to work, as the police did not reply and the line died off, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand but she was too scared to get out of the shop and said the men were outside on the other side of the street, which was in fact true, 3 men stood there were no shops and for no apparent reason looking in our direction while my friend was on the phone to the Police and asked me to hold the line, which I did.

Don't have an emergency in Italy, if you are on hold with the police for 20 minutes it's not an Emergency line, it's an 'answer at your earliest convenience line', we live in a system where everyone is out for themselves, we have not started buying guns just because we have not thought about it yet on a mass scale, but that is where we are heading, as the fears escalate so will the desire to protect oneself, no matter what, 'll shoot your brains out if I have to, welcome to the year 2012 on Planet Earth. If you are in danger you have got to be lucky to survive, if she had not found a shop open what would have been of her? Finally they picked up, I explained the story and they told me our area was, on Tuesdays, not patrolled by them and to call the 'Army' instead as it was their shift. I asked if they think to be an Emergency service or what, they said nothing we can do, so we started again the hold the line with the Army patrol, altogether it took us 30 minutes to speak to them, by that time the baker's husband took the line and told them 'just come out, will you? - we the weaklings have to be helped out, a man coming on the phone is more believable that women who are saying the exact same thing- 3 men are still waiting outside  -which was true- and there is a young girl scared for her life", the phone call went on for over 15 minutes as we had to 'convince' them of the gravity of the situation. My friend justified the police, they don't want to come out, there are so many crimes of these kind and then 'they discover the girls are involved in some sort of deal with the men they want to be saved from.

What is this supposed to mean, I don't care WHY we have to convince them to come out, there is a young girl scared shitless for her life, 3 men wait for her outside, they tried to attack her, why is THIS NOT enough?

My lady friend told her raising her voice 'look, don't bullshit me, did you know these men? how come you are out at 7 am, have you been out all night?" the girl said yes, she said she was out with a friend that she knew for a month and maybe this friend had arranged this little kidnap number. Slowly I realized my friend believed she was in with the men, that her story was made up, unclear, yes it was odd that she knew the guys were Romanian and that her phone rang and she did not pick up, the baker's husband told me one of the first questions of the police was 'How is she dressed?', when I first heard the question I thought it was funny, what do you mean, winter is coming is 7 am, what do you think, a pink tutu?

Then ALL pieces came together, my friend attitude, the police questioning, what they were really asking was 'is she dressed like a whore?', which was what my friend was implying as well, you looked for it, even though she was NOT "dressed like a whore", she had trousers and a jumper she could have been any 18 year old kid, she could have been her daughter EXCEPT that she would NOT allow her daughter to stay out the night with a man she barely knows, and so this made her a whore without the 'whore uniform', because there is a 'whore uniform', it's the one that will give a man a boner, that is THE WHORE Uniform par excellence and since I did not register 'the Uniform' I missed out on all the interactions that were going on about her right to not be raped or kidnapped or thrown onto the street by a racket, women have to earn that right, because let's face it, a WHORE is not as worthy as a NON WHORE, her Life doesn't hold the same value, we want to believe she enjoys what she does, WHORE, we don't care as much either because a WHORE reminds us of how we failed as a society, of how our system that doesn't support Life, supports prostitution on one hand, a porn industry that is creating more and more deviants, an oversexualized society, sex as the means to an end and the last resort of women who have no education and not a chance to tap into the Money System, just to shun it with the other as a social shame, something we don't want to be a part of, so let's clear this up, "Is she dressed like a Whore?", then she should just shut the fuck up and die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my friend when she was being nasty with this girl instead of helpful as I could not see she was reacting out of Fear to be involved with a prostitution ring and what that would imply for herself and her business and basically her own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Prostitutes are worth less than other women because they took 'the easy way into the money system' which is an Urban legend because fucking men you don't like and that bring to the bed all their distorted desires and sexual perversions, including violence  cannot be 'the easy way out' of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated with this girl when it downed on me that she must have known the men, because saying they are Romanian, is not like saying they are Chinese, which is a visible physical trait, and we don't have Romanian plates for cars, so I realized she must have known the men and hence she was lying which meant she was involved in whatever was taking place and not being honest about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react inside when I realized this girl was hiding something, without realizing that she was not being honest about it because she feared the judgements we would make if she did honestly say what really happened and that this habit we have of judging each other and the fear of judgement we have is part of the reason why we have developed a society of liars as we have not investigated how to stop these fears and just out ourselves so we can face the problems we have as a society and work to fix them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitution is 'women's fault' because they are the Sellers and they are doing the Pandering as in the exploitation of Men's weaknesses, when in fact if we had a system in place that supported Life Equally and women from birth to death we would see that men would be left with their 'weaknesses' to sort out by themselves and the alleged 'pandering' would immediately end, proving the system failure and not the women's failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Prostitution to burning tires on the highway, where women made bonfires to display their goods and entice men like moths to the flame and for seeing in this the sole women's responsibility, because if there was no flame there would be no moths attracted to it and therefore it was clearly women's fault and they should carry the blame and the shame for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am more and superior than a prostitute because I have not done the tires bonfires even though I have done the 'dressed like a whore' according to what men defined as 'dressed like a whore', such as in dress in a way to excite their fantasies and desires

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that we are all prostituting to a system for Money and that the degree to which we become visible in HOW EXACTLY we do that only depends by how much money we have to cover up the whoring we do in every field of life and as such none of us is better or more than a prostitute and by no means any of our lives is worth more than the life of a prostitute

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the reason why we take away voting rights to prostitutes that have been caught prostituting, is because we don't want them in our society as they are not worthy of representing themselves as part of it and part of the vices and depravetion we practice in secret and that we in fact FEAR to have prostitutes admitted to the society as members of it, which they are, just because that would be the admittance of out utter failure as a society to protect everyone and guarantee a dignified life for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear the association with prostitutes and the problems that may arise from it, and for reacting today when the 3 men left after the police drove the girl home, driving away, honking their horns which I  interpreted as scorn, as to say, 'we'll get her next time' and for feeling that there is nothing we can do to correct this system until we stand up and declare that this has to stop, that Money and Profit has to be removed as the driving force of this world, because it has made life worthless and there is nothing we won't do to secure our place within a system of abuse even if that means abusing and harming others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that prostitute are not like other women, because they are stained, dirty and their choices are inexcusable, instead of seeing that I feared what I would have done in their place if I too was born on the edge of a society where my only choice was to sell my body or die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be imprinted with the story of Jesus and the Magdalene, as if that story proved the greatness of Jesus that he could 'even forgive a prostitute for her sins', a prostitute, the scum of the earth, the worst of the worse, missing out the message of the parable, the message of Equality and of Self Forgiveness, were a prostitute that holds the blame and the shame of this utter failed system can release herself by stopping to believe in her own inferiority to stand as an Equal to everything and everyone in Existence

I commit myself to promote the Equal Money System as a solution to the Wrongs of this World, which include Prostitution as having to sell your body to make a living as a last resort, while I walk this correction as myself as the system, to stop all abuses within and without

I commit myself to stand as an example of a process of Self Correction to show that we don't have to live this way, that whatever role we have played, the abuser or the abused and/or both, we can stand up and self correct this sorry excuse of an existence into what is Best for All, as we land back on this Planet together to see what is REALLY going on, what we are REALLY participating in and accepting and allowing and that any girl that ends up on the street could be your daughter, your sister, your mother and if we don't like this as a choice for our Family, why isn't the World our family, why do we justify Prostitution as something that always existed, always was, the oldest trade of all times, instead of registering the point that 'shit, have we been having THIS PROBLEM' for such a long time and not looked for a solution to it? Let's get on with it !

I commit myself to walk my own Self Correction into the physical and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

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Day 32: Men at Work

A friend of mine wrote to me to let me know that he gave my Skype contact to an ex Client we used to work with, who is looking for someone to help them set up business in China.

This is not just any ex Client, this is one of my 'one night stand' raising from the grave where I had buried him thinking there would never be a follow up, a return, a reminder or a con-sequence I would have to face about Him and what happened between us.

My HK friend knew about it, so his message started with "I hope I didn't do something Stupid by giving him my full recommendation that he should have you for the China business', funny because when this ex Client/Lover yesterday sent me a skype invite I wondered if he had raised from the grave by himself or if he had been raised, like Lazarus, to live again in my Mind both as Guilt and as Desire.

Because the sex had been bloody good and quite unforgettable, even though I had been clear both with myself and him that it would be a 'one time only' and it was, the day before he left Hong Kong to return to his wife and 4 children. I never encouraged his follow up calls and in fact there was never any follow up.

The 'One Night' happened after a week of being pursued relentlessly at work and out, he would call me at home, plus he was disarming, he was honest about wanting to spend time with me, REALLY wanting it, I had tried to divert him on my staff as I felt I was in no position to enjoy a fling with a customer due to my position of responsibility, but as the day went by and his focus never swayed on any other woman, I felt the 'value of him wanting ME' exclusively, as if I were ABOVE the other women in the office, and this was simply irresistible.

When it happened I wanted to share it with my male friend (the one who has now given him my Skype contact) and as I approached my speech about wanting to lay the cards on the table, I started to say how this Client had relentlessly pursued me for a week, to give myself a sense of value and explain why I ultimately gave in, then, as I was about to tell him we spent the night together before taking him to the airport, my friend said "I know, he is a maniac, he would fuck a Chair'. I froze, the extension of my loss of worth in this one sentence is indescribable.

It took me another 2 months to come clean, I then had to add the point of his comment as the reason why I could not tell him the first time, being that there were no secrets between us and I did not want to have troubles turn up at work, I wanted my friend in, to share the guilt of my own self judgement of myself.

He sat there looking for words to mend his first comment, to make me 'feel good' about myself, realizing that the loss of worth was a now clear point he wished he had not participated in.

I made myself scarce to any personal phone call or any business deal and always had my staff follow up, yet the feeling of having crossed a line in what I judged was 'the proper behaviour' stayed, but I swept it under the carpet and believed I had let it go.

He looked for me before I read my friend's message, so my first reaction was personal, about ME, about him wanting to get in touch with ME, if I see how much I need a job at the moment, the fact that I had a moment of feeling sorry to learn that he looked for me for work it's simply schizophrenic and idiotic, yet a whole reaction started that went from how could we possibly work together to my anxiety about how much I should ask as a compensation, all the lines were blurred, since I have not cleared that point of judgement the job opportunity seems more like asking for a sex compensation, because of course, my mind went to 'how can we travel together to China and not have sex, who am I joking ?' and so sex became a link to the job, my possibility to walk back into the business world and do what I am good at, just because of one point that I have never faced and is now compromising me, not because of what I will or not do, but what I fear I may or may not do, and for what I judge I have already done, in that moment when I walked away from myself to embrace my unworthiness both as a professional and as a woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'give in' to sex because a man courts me relentlessly and I believe I get worth and value by being pursued as his only object of desire

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see sex as something 'I give in to' because I can only give in if I am not an Equal to a Man and I accept and allow myself to believe that he wants it more than me because he is a Man and I am a Woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Men and Women do not equally desire sex because I see men as 'different' from women, instead of as Equal in the desires in and of the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that to be exclusively desired by a man gives me worth/value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'diverting him' onto my staff was OK, because I lay on top of the food chain and I was therefore unapproachable but my staff who was less worthy, as the money we received at the end of the month proved, could give in if they wanted and it would be 'a lesser sin' than if I did because they were less than me and 'worth' less than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my own and others' worth on my and their money making capacity and ability as a way to gain value and worth for myself instead of seeing everyone Equal as Life and just playing different parts in the Money game until an Equal Money System will in fact reestablish Equal Worth and Value for everyone beyond any reasonable doubt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty because I had sex with a man I wanted to have sex with because I was not willing to face the con-sequence of my own self judgement and loss of worth as a professional player in the business world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having done something 'wrong' both as a woman and as a professional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend said 'he would fuck a Chair' because I believe I must be more than a chair and in fact I must be more than any other woman to him/anyone before I allow myself to experience sex in fear of my own self judgement of myself as a 'loose woman'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own desire for a man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at men if and when I desire them because I believe I am putting myself into a situation I will for sure regret afterward if I give in, having always been the hardest judge of myself and of my sexuality used as a worth/value seeking experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for having sex with married men, because they are 'taken' meaning owned by other women and since they do not 'belong to me' I should not trespass that line

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is my job as a woman to say NO to married men because I have to stand up for all the women in the world in an act of self righteousness which is just self dishonesty, because I seek self righteousness to be more and better than other women who fuck married men

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire married men as the uncomplicated alternative to a relationship because I am not willing to put in the time and the effort it takes to work out my hang ups so I can stand up for a relationship of Self Support as Life with another Human being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as worthless because of what others say that I take personally and then use to diminish myself into nothingness and unworthiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel agitated when He first contacted me because I went into a future projection of how things will turn out and I was already in the sack without even having given myself a chance to see if this is what is Best for All at the moment, me fucking up my life again, or if what is best for All would be me standing in and as Self responsibility to get back to the business world doing what I am good at so I can get back my place in the system and walk my process of self correction in and as the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be desired as a way to value myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I see him again I will have sex with him because I won't be able to put what is best for all in front of my suppressed desire for 'great sex' which was never Real because I have only had mind sex so far and have never been sex as self expression as me in the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished when my friend wrote 'but this time please E. get them to pay you right' because I read in this that I have undervalued myself when we worked together and I accepted as I always do to be paid less than a man in my position and then blaming the men around me for earning more when they just 'asked for more' not sharing my same issues of lack of worth in and as a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link my friend comment to me having sex with this client and the sentence 'get paid more' as a point of whorehood of myself because sex was involved in my relationship with this man and now there may be money involved and sex + money equals whore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a whore when sex did not happen in my life within the parameters of what I have set for myself as wrong or right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hinder my sexual expression in fear of my own harsh self judgements that I ended up projecting outside on other women just because I did not want to own them and resolve them in and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am worth less because I am a woman

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want 'to forget' my past miss takes because I can't face my own self judgement of myself and I don't want to for-give myself who and what I believe I have been and done so I can be released into a life that is no longer my own personal scripted Fibonacci spiral of fuck ups but something new that I will have to live in and as Self Directive Principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety at the thought 'we'll have to talk this time if I want that job' because I fear how he will approach me since sex has happened once between us and it was GREAT and I fear he won't allow me to ever forget it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe he doesn't want me to forget that we had sex and it was great because I hold on to this point as a point of self worth and I AM the ONE not wiling to let it go and start from scratch even though it was now 5 years ago and he has obviously got on with his life while I am sitting here still writing about it in regret and self reproach

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold on to a point of great sex as a measure of my value as a woman as a sex object gaining her value from a sex performance to prove I am in fact worthy because I can give pleasure to a man, instead of seeing I have reduced myself to nothingness through my investment in images and ideas of myself and what a woman is supposed to be and be able to do to have value and worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself into future projections about my future job, of which I know nothing if not what I can imagine and fuck up with in my head, instead of breathing myself through the point when we will in fact talk and I will hear what he has to say and in that moment I will be able to reply or to ask to have a little time before I can come back with a proposal to his request

When and as I see myself projecting myself into future projections of possible potential outcomes, I stop, Breathe, remind myself future projections have always been a delusions of my mind and then I have made myself unhappy about reality because it wouldn't match what I had conjured up, instead of seeing, I can be Here in breath and address each point of me as self correction as they come up

When and as I see myself fearing or about to move into fear about what will come out of this specific situation, I stop, Breathe, remind myself fear is not Real and I can face anything through my commitment of Walking my Path back to Oneness and Equality and what is Best for All

When and as I see myself moving into the past as a way to diminish myself as a woman and as a human being, I stop, Breathe, remind myself only the Mind can be diminished and I want to stop the diminishment of myself and All Life One and Equal so that we May All Stand up in Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All

I commit myself to stop my fear mongering of myself as the Mind to myself as The Physical because I see this makes me ineffective and this is not What is Best for All or What is Best for Me as Life, I commit myself to walk back into the System and become a Self Honest participant that uses communication and the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' so that the New World we want to see can start with me as Self Correction for myself as Life in Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All