Day 35: Friends as Self Abuse

My friend left today, the first thing I want to write is I'm GLAD.

During her stay I have realized how friendship is just another value system in which we either project an idea about ourselves and look for an energetic feedback or we look for points to devalue in the other in our mind as to feel better about ourselves. 

I have not been very reactive during her stay, but I had backchat, most of it revolving around the world of love and light and how could she be preaching that when she lives as a total self centered universe believing only her life is in fact important, of course it's not about her, she is just a mirror of myself and my own life lived as a self centred egotistical bitch, for whom how I felt was the leading light of my life, looking to feel good in any possible way, through the feedback of others or my own feedback, one thing that bugs me is that I could never really believe myself and so this is a point I project on others, a question I have asked several time to my friend A. here in Italy who has walked this process for some time, on and off, and he told me once 'yes, everyone knows Ele, everyone is aware of their own bullshit, of their not feeling good, of the lies they tell to themselves and others', he told me as well that I have asked this question within different words already several times and he wondered why.

The why is due to the point that I don't want to believe this, because if and when I do, all my world of relationships will crumble in a pile of dust, if I was not real I can live with that, but if everyone else is not real too, what is this Relationships bullshit really all about if not an excuse, a distraction, a point to play with while we pass time, and we pass air, we are farting more than breathing and I don't want to admit to this.

When my friend left I went to the toilet, immediately, I had been constipated for days, so busy holding up my new Desteni image, not wanting to make any faux pas that will lead her to find excuses about the process and what we are doing, so I withheld a few 'fuckoffs' on the way to prove that we are in fact the ones right, if I can take all the abuse with a flair, and THEY, the non Desteni are the ones who are wrong, and once when I saw her poorly hiding her laughing in mockery an at one of my reply to what she asked me about Heaven, as if I'm just too stupid to believe all of this, I did not say anything, how can I ?

It's ultimately all knowledge and information, I have not seen Heaven before nor I saw it disappear, but if I could believe the Catholics first, with their long shot about a virgin giving birth and all their Dogmas, and then I could believe in a Benevolent Universe that allows me to live and lets half of the world struggle in misery as an obvious point of a dysfunctional parenthood, if I accept the Universe or God or the Light as 'Creator', it's obvious nothing can stop me from believing something that makes sense, which is that we are One and Equal, and that the story ultimately doesn't matter, our origins are not the point of our resolution, the resolution is Here and Desteni offers a path to walk, to correct ourselves, to stop being the assholes we have been so far in our secret minds, so that once we stop the bullshit we can recreate ourselves into what is Best for All, because when we look inside in self honesty, is who we are as the egotistical maniac and psychopaths we have become what is best for All ?

Are we using then the Light and the Love to blind others hoping that they will stop at the Love and Light label and not go further into seeing who we are or are we genuine about the Beliefs we decide to hold just because they serve our Life as Self Interest and Abuse of others while we walk the planet never considering anyone else but ourselves.

A. would say 'I told you Ele, we All know what we are doing, really'. Really ? Really Really ??

Then it's time to stop and self correct, so one day we may become the friends we wish to have to All as One and Equal and we will be able to re-create ourselves into What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a 'fuck off' as bad and the pretense of harmony as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in an attempt to show that now that I am walking a path of self correction, I have become a better Human Being by displaying what I judge as being good vs being bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my behaviour as  good/bad so I move myself through a fake morality maze to comply to my value system and desire to be good instead of being self expression Here in the moment in Breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am an Energy Construct and for supporting such existence by my own participation in Energetic Tools instead of living Here as Breath in and as the Physical but existing as a react-or to manufacture my own energy through friction to satisfy my life of self interest validating it with good feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a self centred bitch and for being angry at myself for what I have allowed and accepted myself to become in my quest for value and appreciation, in separation from Self and all of existence as Self Trust as Self Value and Self Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say yes to what I would in self honestly wanted to say NO, because yes makes me look better than saying no in relation to the idea and personality of myself I want to project as easy going and easy to get along with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for abuse when in fact it's always and only been my own self abuse of not standing up for myself in self honesty and drawing the lines of what is acceptable and how one should contribute within a household as an equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be the one who pays for everything because I have judgements about stingy people who are attached to money and so I don't want to show I am attached to money believing the other one will see when it is their time to step in and pay instead of settling Common Sense rules about Money and how we are going to share the costs of a visit I could not afford in the first place not having a job at the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ones attached to money as stingy and to believe that the ones attached to money are stingy with their 'loving' as well because love is just like money, a point in and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see value in and as a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to con-stipate myself with self judgement about how to live practically about someone else and so just in case I play the doormat which should be the most endearing position to get me the approval and love of my friends, no matter the discomfort my body shows me about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a doormat and for feeling shameful about being a doormat/having been a doormat in my life in my search for approval

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my friends for overtaking instead of seeing it is me overgiving in a compensation act for not being good enough as a friend at the moment because I no longer play the 'makeme feelgood' game and I have to make up for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that how my friends and family feel around me is my responsibility and that when I don't 'make them feel good' I have to pay for it, in money or negative emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I no longer want to host anyone instead of seeing where I can correct myself to have an enjoyable equal experience next time someone comes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to project myself as a Desteni success, meaning someone to emulate because I am working on my fuck ups when others are not and that makes me more than them who are still lost in delusions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the parts of Self still lost in delusions as less than me in separation from me as All There Is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those in Process are more than those of us who are not as a point of Value for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to smack my friend gently when she hid the mocking laughter about Heaven's story and for then looking in the following days for points in our conversations in which I could mock her about in my secret mind or outwardly, to get even

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as Spite and the desire to get even that I play out in my secret mind -and out- and to which I try to not pay attention because I believe I am entitled to some paybacks and I do no harm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do no harm in my mind, even though I believed a lot of invisible stuff could be life changing in the positive sense, like reiki or energy, but I don't want to face the nasty thoughts, who are made of energy too, and what they do to the collective and what they manifest in and as this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use friends as a form of self abuse and as a point of separation in which I compare myself to see if I am 'better' or 'worse' in any given point that can be physical or mental  so I can gain value for myself taking it from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a dishonorable life in and as the Mind, refusing to face my own dishonesty ad the way I participate in the world because I fear changing and not knowing what I will become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to write out this point because I fear my friend reading this blog and feeling bad about it, instead of realizing, I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions, and thoughts, words and deeds, but I'm in no way powerful enough to make anyone FEEL anything and that everything another feels I cannot be responsible for as I am not the cause of it as they are never the cause of what I think, feel and say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value my personalities as if they were real and something I should just correct instead of something to delete and let go, because they exist as a Mind Construction, in and as Self Interest and Separation and living in and as the Mind will never allow me to change as change will have to come from the nothingness I reach into the Life I rebuild, Equal and One for myself and all of existence Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself To Fear Change

When and if another friend will ask me to come over, I will see if it is OK with me and not just say Yes to build on a 'good image' of myself, and if it is OK and I see we can both benefit I will open my home and make my rules clear as to what is required to live together given that the workload doubles and should therefore be shared and if costs are involved I will let them know how we should go about sharing in common sense, so noone of us is abused or unclear about how to move and what is expected and there will be less backchat for both

When and as I see myself tempted to blame a friend for how I ended up feeling 'abused' I remind myself that abuse doesn't exist, but only the self abuse of me as the mind, and so I breathe and stop abusing myself or blaming my self abuse on others when I see myself lost in thoughts, feelings and emotions of and as the Mind

I commit myself to learn to build self honest relationships with other Human beings based on effective communication to Honour myself and others as One and Equal as Life