Thursday, May 17, 2012

Day 33: Facing the Ex Lover as a Potential Employer

It was soo much easier than I thought.
In my mind I believed I would have awkward thoughts regarding us and that One Night and that I would then be overcome by feelings and emotions and desires and the whole Mind Shenanigans, but I was not.

A memory I have held against myself was not even real, I could not even recognize his voice after 5 years and I was unplussed, it was just a normal business conversation in which I just realized, that 'the dream job' I have imagined for a couple of days was in fact not available, that they are just a group of friends exploring the possibility to move onto the China market and they would not even know HOW to use my expertise in the field, they are not fucking around but close, meaning only when you are driven to make money for a reason or another, and as motivation go survival of self (or even of the idea of self) is still the best for now, the drive is strong and the tide moved by such drive can make things happen very fast.

Instead I saw that such tide is not there, it’s just a little wave of interest and desire to see if expansion on alternative markets abroad would be possible, mainly a place where I may have to put in some work for free to assess the feasibility of the project that as a first impact did not sound ‘sound’ at all but just a dream, just about like the one I tried to suppress for a couple of days while I entertained myself with the 'hope' that I may have found a way back into the business world.

Only one point of our conversation made me react a little, and that was when he said ‘I would rather talk to you and explain everything in person’, to which my mind replied ‘sure you would’ and I had a momentarily loss of presence when I took off in a mind movie of me and him meeting and having to walk the tightrope of never giving space to a sexual fantasy of myself or of his (as a mirror of myself).

The weight point came up as well, as I have put on weight to cushion myself back into this life I judge as not chosen but as ‘happened to me’ and to separate myself from the point of relationships and flirting, in this instance I saw it as a point of weakness , in which ‘not being attractive’ meaning ‘not keeping into the shape men like to fuck’  is a point I lose on my negotiation table, which proves that attraction is ALWAYS a point on any negotiation table, where we as women,  play that card opening the ‘you never know door’ while we do already know that it’s just a negotiation tactic  that we use in and within the belief of not being enough, of always having to have that extra flavour, point, prospected opportunity to participate in the unfair male Money Game and fearing our own judgement of ourselves as NOT enough, never young, beautiful, toned, hairless, made up, dressed to impress enough to make it in this Competition Game, where we all play but pretend we do not or we would have to face who we really are and have become and what we accept to do to survive in and as the Money Game which has become us as Who we Are, in which everything has gained a Money value vs  Life and who we really were, before we sold out in fear of simply not making it and being the Losers we have already decided we were when we accepted our trade in of Life against the delusional fantasy of Energy and Energy Games, Money included.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I don’t ‘make it’ within the Money Game, I have less value than if I make it within the Money Game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed at myself for putting on weight because I perceived I have dis-abled myself from fucking around with my appearance which in fact always worked in the past and it was very useful to land me jobs even if I did not deliver the sex men secretly hired me for and I secretly put as a 'you may hope' card on the negotiation table

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was hired in the hope they could fuck me or just have me around as a nice chandelier, when in fact many of my jobs were not run on this underlying current of seduction but were skill based jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store demeaning judgements about myself because I accepted and allowed myself to not resolve my point of whorehood and then I built a whole life of ideas and opinions of myself on it and kept it in place to  abuse and diminish myself, living a life of friction as suppressed self judgements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to compete using attraction as a way to have the ‘extra edge’ in the competition game because I feared for my survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that when I met women who were not skilled in the business world, they must have fucked their boss or have given them blowjobs to secure their positions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others may think this about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that one day this may be on the table and I don’t know what I will do and how far I will go to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make judgements about women who sell sex for a living, in fear I was selling sex for a living even though not directly but in so many other ways and I was judging myself for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for selling ‘sex’ for a living through seduction and making myself ‘attractive’ fearing for my own survival

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and for having gained weight as a dis-abling of this ‘ability of mine ‘ to attract, in fear I won’t stop unless I physically stop ‘being attractive’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being attractive as bad and wrong because I was aware of the underlying motivation and currents of the attractiveness business, which is all about sex, but did not want to face it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when my ex Lover said ‘I would rather explain everything to you in person’ and for thinking ‘sure you would’ because in accepting such thoughts I invalidate myself and my skills and reduce myself to a tool for sex that one may be interested in, instead of resolving my own participation in this world as a tool for sex and not blaming and projecting it it on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame this sex game on Men alone as the cause of why women became what they became in fear of their survival, instead of realizing we are all participating Equally according to our placements in the World and I am not less responsible than men in any way whatsoever

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my hatred of myself on men as the cause of all this sexual business world without realizing everything is sexualized and we are just pretending to not see so we don't have to face the point that something within existence is just not right and needs correction of each one of us as self correction to build a new world in which Life will no longer be abused by Mind Games and Sexual Exploitations

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the exploitation of sex through flirting and building up sexual energies to give myself a positive feedback and a value in a Value system of my own creation in separation from myself as Self Value/Worth

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Self as Self Worth and from others as Self Worth and for not giving to others what I would have liked to receive, a Life of Honour and Dignity for everyone Equally, myself included

When and as I see myself going or about to go into my mind regarding possible future outcomes, I stop, breathe, remind myself I know nothing about the future except that I am changing myself Here to change my past and to give to myself and to the world One and Equal a chance to stand in and as the New, stopping the repeating of Patterns of Self Abuse in-word-ly and out-word-ly , stopping any idea that if I ‘at least’ judge myself, I am better than those that do not, dropping all the sticks I use against myself and others within this existence of suffering that I have justified as ‘lessons’ and ‘leading to the love and light’ so that I can stop existing as suffering and self abuse and the world as my mirror may stop too

When and as I see myself abusing or about to abuse myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that all that is in fact not Real and bring myself back into the physical that gives me a chance to stop at every single Breathe I  take, without judgement or expectations of ‘How it’s gonna be or should be or will be’

When and as I see myself desiring to plan my life into the minutest details, in my desire for control and fear of existence, I stop, Breathe, remind myself that the only place I really fear is me as the Mind and bring myself back Here Breath by Breath until I can become Stable as Breath, as Life and stand as an example of what being out of the Mind and the looping of emotions and feelings really means

I commit myself to stop my participation in me as The Mind, in the abuse of myself and others within my mind, in the Sexualized Experience of/as my Existence for the purpose of generating and receiving/stealing energy from others, as I no longer accept mine or others' existence as Energy systems, and in walking this process of self correction with consistence until I can accumulate Self Trust as me through Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application to show myself that I can in fact Change to realign to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All in all aspects of my Life as Life, One and Equal to everything that exists.


  1. indrukwekkende ontmanteling van dit punt/deze punten Jozien, bedankt voor het delen

  2. Awesome observations. Thanks for sharing!